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View Full Version : What do people feel about 'childless by choice'?



Kiya
January 28th, 2002, 04:28 PM
I'm not sure if anyone has posted anything like this, but...

I am childless by choice. I love children, and love interacting with them, but I simply don't want any of my own. Partly due to a fear of childbirth, but mostly due to my love of my career. I love being an 'honourary Auntie' to lots of kids, and I baby sit, etc, but I can't ever imagine myself in the role of mother.

Do people think this is selfish, or, like me, think that it is a silly idea to bring a child into the world just because people expect it?

Oh, and yes, I make sure that I take precautions against getting pregnant (when I'm in a sexual relationship, which I'm not at the mo.. *humph*)

Laiste
January 28th, 2002, 04:44 PM
I applaud you on your decision! I for one feel having children or not having children is an extremely personal choice that should not be swayed by others opinions! More people should really THINK before they make the decision to have children. No one has the right to try and pressure people into having children. It's terrible when people say things like...when are you going to settle down and have children...or you HAVE to have children...or if they say it is selfish to choose a career over family!! That is so bogus!! These types of comments are made to a friend of mine all the time! My aunt has chosen not to have children and I have such a close relationship with her! She is my second Mom! If she had her own children I would not have that same relationship with her!

Danustouch
January 28th, 2002, 04:55 PM
I agree, it is a personal decision. And imo, one that you should put a lot of thought into. Too many people being thoughtless about childbearing these days :(

Kiya
January 28th, 2002, 05:27 PM
Thanks... I got some grief today from a colleague - a female one at that.

I felt pretty bad for a while, but you've made me feel better!!

WolfWoman
January 28th, 2002, 05:59 PM
Kiya, don't feel bad about that. I get it all the time too, I'm 34, never been married, no kids, but loads of pets. I'm not unhappy at all. Did you ever notice that alot of the people who say these things to you ARE married with kids and husbands and don't seem at all too happy? Maybe there's something about your 'freedom' so to speak that they envy. Let it roll off - it's not worth it.

Danustouch
January 28th, 2002, 05:59 PM
Besides...the Earth is pretty overpopulated. If people who didn't want kids did have kids just because someone told em they had to, it would only add to the overpopulation.

If someone genuinely feels "called" to parenthood..then kudo's for them. But believe me, the Earth can definately do without children that aren't genuinely desired :)

Myst
January 28th, 2002, 06:20 PM
It's none of my business why people may or may not want to have kids. I always have respect for people who can make any choice based on research and personal consideration.

Danustouch
January 28th, 2002, 06:22 PM
Yeah...sighn me up for what Myst said, too.

Yvonne Belisle
January 29th, 2002, 01:58 AM
No one should ever be pressured into being a parent it makes everyone miserable. If you are happy with your choice then it is the best one for you and anyone who disagrees is just not worth the effort.

Lavender
January 29th, 2002, 03:31 AM
Another one in agreement here! It's a personal choice that only you can make or change. I always said I didn't want kids. I knew from even as a kid, no kids for me. I told my BF (now hubby) that I didn't want kids. He was fine with it. After we were married for 2 years, I thought about it again & changed my mind. I now have a 11 year old boy. Absolutely no desire to have any more & boy do I get grief about that! You're not being selfish, just honest.

Theres
January 29th, 2002, 06:01 AM
the dragonfly and i made a conscious decision not to have kids.
now, i'm 12 years older than she is, and i admit that every now and then i wonder about the experience i may be missing out on.
but then we just have one of my nieces over for the weekend, and that's all it takes to reaffirm my resolve NOT to bring anymore yuppie larvae into the world!

MidnightSun
January 29th, 2002, 04:14 PM
I dont think there is anything wrong with deciding not to have children. I admire it when someone doesn't go with what they are being pressured to do, but goes with what feels right. If you know that you dont want to be a parent, then u shouldn't be. I do genuinly want kids some day..i am too young now, but i see nothing wrong with not having kids :)

Laiste
January 29th, 2002, 04:56 PM
Greenman!

I sure hope you were joking when you refered to children as "yuppie larvae"!! ;)

Pagecrd
February 1st, 2002, 01:39 PM
you chose not to have children! I personally could not imagine life without em tho heehee. My sister on the other hand never wants children and i respect her for that, she is happy. yay! She thinks im crazy because i want 6 children (im half way there) wish me luck lol! But i do not believe in the boundaries of marriage and there for chose to remain unmarried. I get grief from people about that all the time! But my children have the same father and he is my life partner. So what ever you choose just make sure it makes you and you alone happy! Who knows tho one day maybe marriage will become a priority. (i highly doubt it)

Twilight Garden
February 1st, 2002, 02:21 PM
Originally posted by Danustouch
Besides...the Earth is pretty overpopulated. If people who didn't want kids did have kids just because someone told em they had to, it would only add to the overpopulation.

If someone genuinely feels "called" to parenthood..then kudo's for them. But believe me, the Earth can definately do without children that aren't genuinely desired :) I agree with what's said here.

For a long time, I thought I would never have children. And at that time, I was not in a place in my life where children would fit. My life now is completely different than it was a few years ago and my mind has changed.

I applaud people who have the individuality to know what they want, need, can deal with, whatever the reasoning... rather than just do what society says to do. I also think that if you make a life choice like that, you should be open to the possability that you may change your mind given new circumstances. Not that most people will or should. Just that if you do change your mind, don't try to talk yourself out of it just because "I've always felt that way." Only, if you already have a child, you really can't change your mind on it. A child is a whole other life. Not a decision to be taken lightly. This goes both ways. For people who always thought they would have children & people who never wanted them... Ok, 'nuff said. I'll shut up now. ;)

seawitch
February 1st, 2002, 08:24 PM
it's fine with me if people chooze not to have children.
you'll never catch me pointing my finger and saying how odd they don't want children what bizzare behavior.
just can't image anybody ever saying such a thing:rolleyes:
do what ever makes you happy

Skye_McCarthy
February 1st, 2002, 09:22 PM
I agree with everyone else. There is absolutely no reason why everyone should have children. Some people don't want kids, some people don't like kids and some people just aren't cut out to be parents (I know plenty of people who should NOT be allowed to have kids *shudder*)
Anyway I applaud you for not feeling pressured to make such a life changing decision when you feel it is not for you.
:)

Rubi Waters
February 3rd, 2002, 04:39 PM
WoW

I too am childless by choice. I always knew I didn't want any and was always
ridiculed for it.(not because I don't like them I do, I just don't want my own)
Now I'm in a relationship with someone who also has no desire for any and
its great we don't have that big argument about it. Between the two of us we
have many nieces and nephews in every age group possible so we can do things
with them ..when we want to only. I agree that there are too many people having
kids because they are suppose to and noy really regret it but they are unhappy.
(One who had 2 kids before she could order a drink legally and now that she's 21
wants to party and can't find babysitters and gets mad at the kids when she's
stuck at home) So I agree it's a personal choice but one that needs lots of thought
put into the decision.

Niamh
February 3rd, 2002, 05:19 PM
No harm in not wanting children!
I've said for awhile that I don't want them. But I'm 24 and also acknowlege that that might change some day.

However, I just get upset when people equate NOT WANTING with DISLIKING!

I love children. I try to steal my five month old niece all the time! No, I'm not a kidnapper. I just whine and say things like "Do I have to give her back now?! Just another hour, please!"

Don't let anyone get you down about this!

flar7
February 4th, 2002, 03:39 AM
I agree, its easier to borrow the kids and return them. No offense
meant, kids are a 24/7 job. I prefer it be someone else's job
until I am ready! Taking care of friends and families children
is a joy because you get mostly the good and hardly any of the
bad. If they're sick, you feel bad, but they will probably be with
parents. If misbehaving, they dont get to come see you. And
you become the favorite, because you are always doing the fun
stuff with them! I love that! Spoiling other's kids is one of life's
great joys!

Twilight Garden
February 4th, 2002, 06:36 AM
Originally posted by flar7
Spoiling other's kids is one of life's
great joys!Ditto me on that... I spoil other people's children a bit more than I do the one I live with. :p

I'm having my own sometime. That's just me though... :)

Earthcup
March 5th, 2002, 08:51 PM
I really want a child. I love them and hang out with my nieces and nephews a lot. However I don't think I'll ever have children for a very simple reason...

I would be a terrible mother. From babysitting a lot I know that I don't have any mothering qualities and I'm sure my nieces and nephew would back me up on that! :eek:

However I'm awesome at Aunting!:D

Maybe when I'm older I'll change my mind. I've had a couple of dreams about a baby and I'm much older in the dream. Maybe one day I'll be mature enough to give a child a good life, but right now it would simply be cruel for me to have children.

The overpopulation thing worries me too. If I'm going to add to the earth's burden the least I can do is make sure I can make sure the person I raise has had a good and responsible start!

So I don't think you're a bad person at all. :cool:

WandererInGray
March 5th, 2002, 11:24 PM
*smiles* I love kids too....just don't want any of my own.

Though Phoenix has an adorable boy from his first marriage, whom I've not gotten to meet yet, we've already decided I'm really more of an Aunt figure than a step mom. (*whispers* the mother has "issues" with me, big surprise *soft laugh*)

So if it comes to it, I won't mind helping with him...I've just already got plans for my life that don't include us having children of our own.

*laughs* My brother-in-law's face when I said I wasn't having kids was pretty priceless. It's amazing how many people just automatically assume that because you can....you should. *rolls eyes*

Luckily I've got three other siblings, so I'm not under any pressure from the parents to produce grandbabies. *laughs*

Rubi Waters
March 21st, 2002, 12:16 AM
Originally posted by WandererInGray
*smiles* I love kids too....just don't want any of my own.

*laughs* My brother-in-law's face when I said I wasn't having kids was pretty priceless. It's amazing how many people just automatically assume that because you can....you should. *rolls eyes*



I know people think everybody should have them. (I get that look all the time from people when I say I don't want any!)

Brujaverde
April 7th, 2002, 11:52 AM
I applaude you for being honest Most people won't admidt to loving their career and instead do the expested & then the child is neglected in favor of the career. Personally my kids are my career. I am an artist/educator who homeschools 3.

shnen
April 8th, 2002, 08:04 AM
I applaud your decision! It is not selfish, it is real!

My family is always pressuring me into children - and I'm not even married yet! Not to say I don't know if I want them either... yes, the childbirth thing is just too scarey for me! Not to mention for me to go through something like that for a guy (cuz I know I wouldn't do it for myself) he had better love me like no one has loved before!** ;)

I also don't want to be tied down... I have no idea where I'll be in a year, or 5!:)

**ok, that sounds funny, and possibly weird, but take it lightly, not meant like it sounds... ok???

Niamh
April 8th, 2002, 05:28 PM
I just feel bad when people who don't want children marry people who do! Because someone loses out in the end.

I am friends with a married couple, and she's decided that she will NOT have kids. Great for her, not so great for her husband. I think she was wishy washy on the whole issue when they were engaged. I just feel so bad for him! He'd make the best dad.

Flar's Freyja
April 8th, 2002, 06:22 PM
Originally posted by WandererInGray
*smiles* I love kids too....just don't want any of my own.

So if it comes to it, I won't mind helping with him...I've just already got plans for my life that don't include us having children of our own.

I commend you on your decision. Children are a 24/7 job, especially if you end up raising them alone, as I did. The restrictions on your freedom are incredibly harsh. You are tied down not only to the kids, but to jobs, residences, etc. for 18 years and beyond. In my professional field, I've seen too many mothers who really don't realize this and end up neglecting their children, sometimes to the point of losing them. Pregnancy and motherhood are awesome experiences and I wouldn't trade them for the world but just because someone doesn't want this does not make them less of a person. There are so many other ways that you can give to society and to other children, and to yourself. There is nothing wrong with planning the life that you want. I admire you for standing your ground.:thumbsup:

WandererInGray
April 9th, 2002, 04:20 PM
*smiles* Thanks Freyja.

I adore children....and I'll admit, even I get the odd maternal twinge. *laughs and shakes head* But everytime it happens I somehow manage to thing of about 10 reasons why I just don't want to do it.

I'll be surrounded by children anyway.....*grins wickedly* and the best thing about being an aunt is that you get to spoil 'em rotten, and then send 'em home! :D

Margie
April 9th, 2002, 05:32 PM
That's the same thing my mom says about my kids.:rolleyes: That is, untill we moved in with her. LOL

I just have to say that I respect anyone who is able to make the decision not to have kids. I'm sure it takes alot of soul searching to come to a decision like that and to be able to do it *before* you've actually had a child is wonderful. How many people have a kid and realize it's nothing like what they wanted. Those are the kids that end up neglected and abused. How many people have kids and know it's not what they want but continue to have kids anyways. *shrug* I'll never understand that.

I can say I'm a bit on the opposite side of that. I have two daughters and I want to get my tubes tied. I've thought and thought about this and since I was so young when I had them, when they become old enough, I'll still be young enough to do other things. My boyfriend however doesn't want me to get my tubes tied, he's not sure he doesn't want more kids. (Easy for him to say). Anyways, I really respect those who can make their own decisions and for their own reasons.

Chibi-Fallon
April 9th, 2002, 07:05 PM
Originally posted by Margie
T How many people have a kid and realize it's nothing like what they wanted. Those are the kids that end up neglected and abused.

For some reason that just reminded me of the whole getting a puppy for *insert random holiday here* thing.
But my little brother was an accident. I haven't told him and I don't think he knows but we're 18 months apart. You don't do that on propose.
I don't wanna have kids. I think they're bratty. I can barely stand babysitting. But I need the money.
:rolleyes: I wish I could get a real job.

amberlaine
April 9th, 2002, 07:35 PM
I have no problem with the philosophy of childless by choice.

What I don't like is the term "child-free". It makes it sounds like children are diseases, or contaminations. Childless by choice I much prefer to "child free". I know its just semantics, but I've got a thing for words....

Niamh
April 10th, 2002, 06:00 PM
I agree about the "child-free" thing. It does make them sound infectious! And that's pretty bad... I'm big on language, too.

Earthcup
April 11th, 2002, 01:01 AM
I don't care for childfree either.

After having my sis my mom tried for nine years to get pregnant again. It would make me feel special if they hadn't wanted a boy so bad. My sisters actually cried when they heard I was a girl!:rolleyes:

I think I would have rather been a "mistake" than turn out not to be Gabriel Michael but yet another girl. I don't think you should tell kids they were a mistake or that everyone really wanted them to be a boy/girl. All a child needs to know is that they were and are wanted IMHO.

flar7
April 11th, 2002, 01:16 AM
Roseanne Barr said it best, "...not a mistake, but a surprise....
a surprise is something you didnt know you wanted until you got it!"
~paraphrase

Myst
April 11th, 2002, 01:19 AM
I don't see "being a mistake" that way at all.

I was a "good mistake", my mommy says :)

Margie
April 11th, 2002, 07:14 AM
I always say my daughters were surprises. So was my brother. ;)

Niamh
April 11th, 2002, 10:35 AM
My Ex was a surprise child. His mother was looking at him quite lovingly... in the way that only a mother can look at her son and she said something about how glad she was that she had him, and thank god she and her husband got drunk that one New Year's Eve! :)

amberlaine
April 11th, 2002, 10:49 AM
Heh, you know that song by CHeryl Crow (or whatever the hell her name is )..I used to sing it to my daugther when she was a few weeks old..."You're my favorite mistake..."

Of course, I"d NEVER say that to her now, because she'd get her feelings hurt ;)

But yeah, I tell everyone that both my kids were surprises. (You know, you'd think affter I got knocked up the first time, I"d learn the value of birth control, right? Some people just never learn...)

Flar's Freyja
April 12th, 2002, 10:45 AM
Originally posted by flar7
Roseanne Barr said it best, "...not a mistake, but a surprise....
a surprise is something you didnt know you wanted until you got it!"
~paraphrase

:D Very true! My first was only four months old when the second started to grow despite precautions.......He's a true Gemini who keeps us all in a tailspin but I wouldn't trade him for anything:)