Advice on Handfasting

[Crysiira]

This is a complicated situation. I am a Pagan leaning towards Wicca, and my fiance has always known that and worked with it, even though he considers himself Christian. He does not go to church or follow a specific Christian path; I don't think I've ever even seen him pray, he just vaguely considers himself Christian. Anyway, since he is much more undecided in his path than I am, he's agreed that for our wedding, we'll be doing a handfasting ceremony. Here's the problem: Both of our families are very very Christian. Mine are Catholics, his are mostly Baptists or something close to that line. Only a few people on either side know of my Paganism, and are nowhere close to liking it or even really accepting it. Though our wedding has a medieval theme to it, and I can easily explain the handfasting as an old Celtic ritual and not specifically Pagan-only, I'm still wondering how we can appease everyone.
For one thing, I guess as a fairly new Pagan, I don't know everything that entails a handfasting. I know about the knot ritual, but is there anything else to it? Can it be altered to fit our odd bunch?
Also, a question to anyone else out there who has had to handle an interfaith marriage - just how do you make everyone happy yet still keep it YOUR special day? Your advice, please!

[CelticMoon11]

It depends on your faith if you follow a specific path they usually have "rules of engagement" :lol: I'm sure with the right celebrant you can create a ceremony that isn't overly shocking to keep the calm, just remember its YOUR day and what YOU want don't fall short of your dream handfasting for the sake of saving face :)

[Morr]

Simple solution -- Have a "regular" wedding that will please your families. Then do a private Pagan Handfasting with you, your fiance and a few of your friends.

This is how its going to work with semi and I.

My parents arent really accepting of the whole Pagan thing.

So we are having a Secular Jewish Wedding here in Israel (Secular, ie. None Orthodox since semi is not Jewish by blood and therefore we cant marry according to Jewish law). My family and friends here will attend it (they actually have no problem with a Civil Union/Ceremony).

Then we will fly back to the US, and I am thinking just have a small gathering up at City Hall and be married by a Judge, just to get all the legal stuff done. Later that day, we will be having our Pagan Wedding with our closest friends, whom are all Pagan friendly.

A few days later we'll probably have a casual reception with all our guests.

Now its easier for me since my parents will be on a totally diff continent at the time of our Pagan Wedding. But still, they dont know anything about it, and the pics they'll be getting will be from City Hall and from the reception.

Everyone gets what they want, everyone is pleased.

and I get THREE ceremonies!!


As for Handfasting traditions, google is your friend.

In fact, semi and I, though were both Pagan, are sort of interfaith marrying. He follows a Voodoo African path, I follow an Irish path. So we're going to combine traditions and symbols from both our religions.

Also, another thought, no need to have a Handfasting NOW. Especially if you're new to Wicca. I know it sounds exciting, but you can always do it a bit later when you're farther away from your families, and when you understand Wicca more and are more confident about it.

[Dio]

The handfastings that I have officiated were for folks with non-pagan family members who were in attendance. I have never had a single account of anyone being offended by the ritual at all.

If you speak with the priestess and/or priest who will be officiating the ritual, make sure they understand your situation. Most will be able help taylor the ritual so that no one will be uncomfortable. It's actually quite easy to do.

You've already got it made in that you are doing a themed wedding and the ritual itself will fit in nicely with what you have planned. I seriously doubt anyone will even question what you're doing. Another thing, is that it's a wedding...a blessed event. Your family is there to share in the joy of your union, not judge you on your spiritual beliefs. And if you're crafty, you can do the whole 'pagan' thing without anyone even knowing what happened. ;) It is your time. Do with it what you want.

[~Elise~]

I've done quite a few ceremonies where the others in attendance didn't know a thing about the faith of the two I was joining together.

They come up afterwards and comment on how much symbolism is in the ceremony and how much they appreciated it.

I've also done the wedding with the whole Dearly Beloved we are gathered here today thing, as well. I even did a Christian prayer at the end and no one was struck by lightening.

I have several ceremonies available if you'd like to see them, just email me.

For our ceremony however--we did what WE wanted. It ended up that none of his immediate family made it up, except his son who tied our hands. Wasn't that they didn't approve--the invitations didn't get there in time.

Elise

[Tanya]

We found a non-denominational minister who was happy to incorporate handfasting traditions in into a ceremony. She really just presented us with an ala carte selection of prayers, and nice ideas to add or not.

We gave eachother a sip of mead with a little prayer about sharing the sweet and bitternesses of life, and braided a cord together (have to practice that at home 1st!) and she tied our hands together. (I forget when, but the minister figured out a time when we wouldn't have to struggle to get untied for the rings.)

I think we had a knife on the altar,(my husband's dirk.. with which we also cut the cake) a bowl of flowers, the mead and a small decoritive box of salt and of course handfulls of grain and dried flower petals to throw after.

There are some strong conservative Christians in my family, but they know I'm a free spirit, so that it was outside I was barefoot and pregnant and my husband was 'wearing a skirt" seemed to catch more of their attention than the references to "all that is holy" instead of 'God"

[Zephyrstorm]

March of 2005, my husband and I did our Handfasting in private, with only the Gods attending us. It was beautiful, and both of us count it as The Real Deal.
Then in August of 2005 we went to the town where our parents live and married in the park. The ceremony was simple, and most of the "Pagan" elements were spoken by our Officiant, who is a dear friend of ours. Since my husband is Agnostic, and I'm Pagan (our families are Anglican and mixed, respectively) we kept our references to the Divine to abstract oblique comments.
I wouldn't trade either for the world. :) We wrote our own vows and blessed the rings at the handfasting and again at the wedding. No one commented on the unusual format of the wedding, and my MIL thinks I should organize such events professionally. heh.

Congrats and good luck.
Z

[Cindlady2]

A handfasting really isn't that weird to non pagans anymore. A lot of them think of it as sort of "Hippie-ish". And since your doing a Celtic theme anyway I don't think they will care.
As for the handfasting it's self.... Everyone I have done was different according to what the couple wanted.

[Crysiira]

Simple solution -- Have a "regular" wedding that will please your families. Then do a private Pagan Handfasting with you, your fiance and a few of your friends...

Also, another thought, no need to have a Handfasting NOW. Especially if you're new to Wicca. I know it sounds exciting, but you can always do it a bit later when you're farther away from your families, and when you understand Wicca more and are more confident about it.

I wouldn't mind doing a private Handfasting alone, except I just can't stand to be married in a church, and besides, I'm not sure that my fiance would agree to two weddings, as fun as that would be. But thanks for the suggestion anyway, it sounds like you and Semi are going to have a lot of fun with your weddings! And btw, I probably generalized when I said I was fairly new to Wicca. I've been studying for about seven years, and fully practicing for almost two; I just don't feel like I have a lot of experience in the Wiccan community. I've never been to a handfasting, so I had a general idea of what it was, just not a clue of all the details of the ceremony! but I have found that google is my best freind and wedding planner - free of charge.
Thank you guys for all of your suggestions. It really is my own wedding and my own choice... Now I'm just trying to convince my fiance of that, he thinks everyone is going to get wierded out and leave and never talk to us again! :ugh:

[CelticMoon11]

OH-OH! Just had an idea!! Have a "medieval themed" wedding and get people to dress up as knights and princesses etc etc and just say that you are having a dress up wedding! That way you can still have a handfasting and a dress up party in one! That's what my partner and I are going to do :)

[SilverClaw]

:D Medieval handfastings or regular weddings are fun and are fun to plan :boing: And I posted handfasting links in Just talk and another thread in another fourm, I will see if I can find them if you want.

[JamieL]

I had a handfasting and honestly, it sucked. It wasn't the ceremony itself. I thought it would have been beautiful if it weren't for the priestess who married us. She cracked jokes during the ceremony. She looked at my husband and said "Well, if she hasn't run yet, I don't think she's going to." It was like, everytime I got that warm fuzzy feeling you know you're supposed to get, she would crack a joke. all in all, I wasn't happy. We're planning on having another ceremony at our 5 year anniversary. I want a wedding that I want to be at, ya know?

[SilverClaw]

We're planning on having
another ceremony at our 5 year anniversary. I want a wedding that I want to be at, ya know? Ouch that is so rude, sorry you had to go through that. And as for the 5 year anniversary thing that is when we did our handfasting, which was April 2005.


On a side note:Crysiira make sure you do what you feel is right do not let anyone dictate to you what to do on your special occasion, unless it is something you truly want to do.. becuase otherwise you will have regrets and a ruined wedding (and I know this from my own wedding).

[Cat]

You can write your own ceremony and tailor it to fit your situation. That's what my two officiants and I did.

I am sure there are some traditions that insist that every third knot be tied in a particular way or whatever, but unless you belong to one of those don't sweat it. We aren't people of the book. Our religion lives and breathes and grows and changes, and you can get handfasted without any knots at all if you want.

[lamoka]

Merry Meet..
Just adding my two cents worth.. I am new to the wiccan path as I have been studying just under a year on a solitary basis and knew nothing of handfasting.. when my husband and I were married almost 14 years ago we were married in a small chapel at sunset near my lake with a female minister..
during the ceremony she "bound" our hands together in cloth.. it was an unfamiliar gesture to me and my husband but it felt right that she did it.. now I can see that as a type of handfasting.. then again as I look back on my life till now I can see alot of the Gods and Goddesses influence on everything that has brought me till now.. gentle persistant guidance..
good luck
blessed be