For myself

[LadyOak]

I would like to ask for energy for myself. To me that soulds selfish and whimpy but I am tired.

The last 1 1/2 years has been very tiring for me and my family. As I 'think' I posted my GrandDad died in Feb. 05. My Mom died Nov. 05. She had esophogeal cancer that metastized to her brain. I live in FL and she was in TX. During the months of Oct. and Nov my husband and I went to TX 5 times. My Dad died in '82. I have no siblings.

I feel angry with Mom for not telling me how she really was. She always glossed over the truth about her health. I found out what was really happening from her docs. Which isn't saying much since she was going to Metroplex, in Killeen, TX which is an awful hospital. She could have gone to the hospital on post at Ft. Hood, but she chose not to.

I feel guilty about my anger. I miss my Mom. I feel like I let her down. I look at the paintings she and Dad brought back from Germany and I cry. I look at the figurines Dad brought back from Veitnam and I cry. (Dad was carreer Army)

Mom is buried with my Dad at Ft. Sam Houston in San Antonio. Me, my husband and my cousin and his wife were the only people there. Is that what family is? Being alone?

In one way I feel stupid about spilling my guts here for all to see. I have always prided myself about being 'tough'. But I don't feel so tough now.

My Epilepsy is no closer to being 'controlled'. I have seized(Simple/Complex Partials) for 21 years now. I am on drug number 4. I may never be able/choose not to drive again. I sit behind a counter at a Dry Cleaners doing mindless work. I miss the Steel Industry. I miss turret presses and tooling. I know that is probably arrogant of me but that is how I feel.

This post is most likely convulouted(SP) but here it is. I think
I will hop over to the Just Silly thread now.

One 'funny' thing about this post tho, I have been on computers since the BBS days. This is the longest post I have ever written.

Thanks

[cloudspanther]

lady

What you are feeling is normal. I lost my dad in 2000 and my mother in 2004, though in truth she was gone when he died. I am an only child by my mother and except for some distant cousins. My children and me are it for my family. I got angry with my mother too, she had kidney failure, because she never would follow a diet for her diabetes. I am still angry, I feel she lied to me about how she was, that she didnt fight to live, even if she always told me that life was to important to not fight for it.

Know that your not alone, family is whom you chose to make family. Blood only ties so many strings, heart and friendship ties many many more. Give yourself time to grieve. To scream to the havens your pain and anger. Someday, you will notice that the pain is a little less, that the thought is not there all the time and that you will notice that other thoughts have come to replace the anger and grief.

lady bless,
clouds

[zede]

you will never be alone here. there is always someone to talk to and someone who cares. do not call your self whimpy for needing a little suport, everyone needs to get it out, it's no good to carry it around on the inside. cloudspanther is totally right about how normal it is to feel angry with your mom, you will get past it. :hugz: energy sent i hope things start getting better for you soon

[Philosophia]

Like the others have stated, you are never alone. You are a vital part of the MW family and somebody we all deeply care for! :hugz:
You are not a "wimp" if you ask for help. In fact, in my opinion, that makes you a very strong person who is not afraid to admit that you have a problem. Only a tough person can do that!
Sending healing, positive, calming and comforting energy to you!:hugz:

[Brenda]

I can only agree with what others have said.
Sending energy and hugs your way :hugz: :hugz:

[Deranged Hermit]

I feel a lot of guilt about events when my mom died, too. I couldn't even stay with her until the end, I just wasn't strong enough.
:hugz:

[LostSheep]

I can only repeat what the others have said. i felt exactly the same too, even though i was only young, I blamed myself, I blamed her ... I think it's quite natural to do that. Anger at being left, whatever age you are, that's quite natural.

Hope you can find strength; you will, you know yourself, and that's a very important thing.

:hugz:

[Wytchie]

Energy and big :hugz:

[LadyOak]

Thanks everyone...I do appreciate your thoughts and energies

[TaysatWesir]

energy sent :hugz: