Once and again

[Malcolm]

Might not be the right place for this but here goes

I'll burn these candles. I'll pour their wax over the cones I gathered from that place. Silver coins. I hear they like those. I'll bury said coins in the wax of devotional candles in a chalice of silver. A chalice I can't remember where I got. A chalice that has been used for many rituals. I'll bury it here though, where everything began. I'll bury it as a symbol of starting over. I'll bury it as a symbol of new beginnings.

In this place, where everything began, I'll leave a piece of myself. I will start again. I will start over. I thank them for the opportunity.

[Malcolm]

So, I'll keep it then. If this is where I need to be then so be it. its going to be tough, and honestly I'm not sure if I can manage...but I'll find a way. I have to. I'll build a place for them.

I'm not sure why I was so freaked out by it at first. Nothing in life is gained without sacrifice and this is something I've decided I want. Its kind of permanent, which is something I was avoiding. The thought of building a home though has a strange appeal to me now.

Home. What a strange and confusing concept.

[Malcolm]

And then I got pointed in another direction. Is it wrong that I can;t take any of this seriously anymore? Its all so laughable I can't bring myself to do much about it.

All I can do is ask, "Alright...if not there than where?"

You know I'll go wherever I'm needed...just pick a place already!! :lol:

[Malcolm]

Feels like I gave it away. I'm strangely comfortable now. I'm not scared that this is going to go away either. Its been here for a few months now. All in all I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here. Other than things are going well...not perfect and not what I had in mind...but well.

[Malcolm]

So you were listening, thank you. I've accepted what the possible outcome might be of this. I'm ready. I don't like it, but I'm ready. Lets get this over with shall we. I will be alright.

[Malcolm]

I have your book now. Its dedicated to the both of you. Guess now all thats left to do is fill it. Thats the fun part. It used to be me against the world, I'm glad thats not true anymore.

[Malcolm]

Earth.

[Malcolm]

With all the things going on in my life right now, why do I feel like celebrating? Why is it so much easier for me to just let things unfold without trying to force the issue? When did I let go of all that crap?

All I have to say is this...I've admitted to being ecclectic, came to terms with it, but no one; not even you two...will turn me into a damn fluffy bunny. Thats a deal breaker.


Anyway, bottle of meade this weekend? :cheers:

[Malcolm]

Just kind of a vent:

I just got some of the worst news possible. I can honestly say that I'm not afraid. You can't break me that easy.

Hardship? Are you serious? You know nothing about me if you think that kind of thing will even slow me down.

Pain? What do you know about pain? I could show you such agony the sight of it would blind you.

You've over estimated yourself and over stepped your bounds. You mistook my kindness for weakness.

[Malcolm]

The west will kill us both you gullible geordy lad...but I'm game. Could be fun. Ah the irish...theres no talking sense into them. Gotta love their passion, and unreasonable ability to carry hope farther than any human should be able to.

[Malcolm]

I feel that I should tell you. I'll miss you when your gone. I have no words for what I want to say, nor would I say them if I could.

Watch over her Kerouac. Guide her safely to her destination.

[xAGONYx]

as if a thought or maybe a gently misplaced ununderstanding, though placed under rugs in ancient ways. likeways are the ones who once trembled 'neath us, in those days of young and other thoughtful. rejoice as only gathered twice, in fours and fifth and wondered...recanted....

[Malcolm]

Its all coming together nicely. I almost don't like talking about it for fear it will fade.

[Malcolm]

One more week, then a mini vacation...then the real work begins.

Its not the rebuilding of a home that I'm curious about. These last few months have shown me alot about who I am and what I want. Its wierd, accepting I mean. I've grown up alot over the last couple years.

To those people and places :cheers:

To the sorrows and the joys :cheers:

It doesn't even feel like a new chapter in my life. It feels like a whole book in the same series is about to open.

Character development I guess. For the first time in a long time...I want to know what happpens next. I want to know where this path is leading me. More importantly I have no wish to try and force it into something its not...no wish to force me to be something I'm not.

I rose up from the ashes of my former existence still broken and raw. Nerves exposed to the horrors of a 'real' life. Senses no longer numbed to reason and in that state I found a kind of peace...a kind of acceptance.

"I am not a beutiful and unique snowflake..."

I'm just a little piece of the universe trying to understand itself. Sentient thought visited upon the memory of a place thats existed long before me and will long after. Thats not so bad when you think about it.

[Malcolm]

I shouldn't be as complacent as I am. Why do bad things make you feel better sometimes? It wasn't the right thing. There was no good in it. Why then do i sit here with a smile on my face.

Heavy in dark skin, hiding the fact you're dead again

[Malcolm]

Wierd. Whats with all these people from my past showing up randomly lately. Normally I don't like meeting people I haven't associated with in years. There is usually a reason I don't talk to them anymore. This is different though. More than once in the past few weeks someone has come up to me and said "hey, your so and so...so and so's friend." and normally I sit there thinking "Should I admit to that? What if they're pissed at so and so..." invariably I always answer yes but have to admit I have no clue who they are. Its usually met with a chuckle and then we talk for a bit...its just wierd.

its like someone or something is talking to me telling me not to dwell on the past, at least not the bad parts anyway. I already knew that...or thought I did rather.

Its a different thing to tell yourself something enough times you believe it. Its altogether different when its revealed a chance coincidence at a time...and pleasantly so.

This goes along with the pressence of a female energy right now. Whoever this is has a much subtler way of telling me things. I say whoever like I don't know who she is. I do. I'm not sure why but I don't like people knowing that I'm associated with her. Not out of shame or anything like that. Its just I don't feel its anyones business whose company I keep. Maybe its just cause I'm a bit of a lokean and its a "trick" I have up my sleeve, or maybe I just like secrets...I can never tell.

But, anyway...this is a completely different energy that comes and goes like the tide. She always seems to show up just on the precupice of me doing something phenominally self destructive and just kinda reels me back in for lack of a better term.

Is it wierd to compare people to the gods? I've never really believed that the gods were any better than us, just in a different place with different responsibilities...and all the kewl powerz...

I mean, is it wierd to compare every women you meet, and are interested in, to an abstract concept. Compare them to the way an incorporeal energy makes the world seem a little less pooperiffic. Its hard for me to explain...I think what I'm getting at is love in some form...and part of me is screaming "get it off!!! get it off!!"..."it burns!!!"...which it does.

More and more lately, I've been feeling like I don't fit in. Like my interests are shifting and its actually work to hang around some of my friends. Through no fault of their own. They're good people and they've stuck by me through alot of shit...and for that I'm greatful. I'll always have a place for that tribe in my heart...but I think its time to move on.

I think thats another reason all these people keep popping up. Maybe I'm supposed to go somewhere else. Maybe my lessons here are learned. Maybe it really is time to start again.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about abandoning them by any means, or cutting off contact. I still want to hang out with them. I just want some new blood in my life if that makes sense. New ideas, new conversations, new intrests, new places, new rediculously annoying personal habits...don't you just love the people...

I have no idea where I'm actually going with this. Just a bunch of things going on in my head and in my life right now. I'm stretched really thin, and don't really know which way to go...and I like it. Gods help me I actually like it. it feels like being stuck in a state of pure potentiality...just on the cusp of becoming.

The best part is I get to choose. The worst part is...I get to choose.

I have so many voices talking to me all at once. Part of me wants to stay, part of me wants to go, part of me just doesn't care, and part of me wants to leave it all up to someone else.

I haven't heard from Loki in awhile. Not that I ever really initiated contact with him, he just kinda pops in every now and then. He hasn't been gone for this long in some time though. I miss him. I miss his lessons, harsh as they may have been. I can understand why he isn't around though. He showed me what I needed to see, free and clear of any coddling or bullshit.

So maybe I do have my metaphysical abandonment issues with Loki.

Its always been like this for me. A revolving door of energies. Each in turn to show me something I had missed or wasn't thinking about clearly. Sometimes I know who they are, sometimes I don't, most times it doesn't really bother me.

This just feels different. Its like for the first time in a long time I don't feel like I've been dealt a dead mans hand. I actually feel like I have all the right cards I just have to play the hand well.

I guess I just really don't know what to do. I'm not used to having so many choices and none fo them be really all that bad. I wish I could stay here in this place forever. I know I can't. I know I'll have to make a decision or it will be made for me. My problem is choice.

I know that not everyone will be happy with every decision. With choice comes pain and loss and growth and all that crap...I know that lesson. I own that lesson.

This time it is really all about me. Not in the same selfish way it was before. This really is a second or third or fourth or...maybe I just lost count chance. It makes me a little hesitant. I've been here before. I know full well that whatever decision I make will have far reaching consequences. I understand how the web of wyrd works, I understand the norns...well, in my way I suppose.

I'm not using the runes for this one. Its to big for them...if that makes sense. I have to make this one on my own. Like I said I feel like I'm at the edge of the world on the brink of a new. I feel very comfortable here. I can look back and see where my path has taken me. Its one of those wierd moments in your life where everything is in balance but only until you make your next move. Don't blink, and don't talk about it...even a whisper can kill the way you feel.

Is it possible to stay in this place? I don't think so. So in summary...

A godess
A crossroads
A peace
A fear
A possibilty
A new path

[Malcolm]

Don't walk down that road again. You and I both know where it leads. I can't believe you so easily forget its hollow promises. This is where we part company. I love you but I won't walk down that road with you. Not again. I'm sorry your whole life has taught you nothing but how to be a victim. After 53 years you'd think you'd have seen a pattern to your behavior. I guess some people are incapable or unwilling to examine their lives. In that respect I feel sorry for you.

I'm still your son and I love you, but I won't watch you destroy yourself again. Don't you think six times is enough? Five of which I witnessed first hand before my eighteenth birthday.

I know you ma. I know exactly what you're doing. So I'll raise a glass tonight and ask them to guide you safely on your way...but thats all the help I'm willing to offer this time.

[Malcolm]

Its always wierd when dreams come true.

[Malcolm]

Wow, thank you for that. You really shouldn't have but I don't mind. Its nice, they're nice. I hope I can keep them but I won't be sad if I can't.

[Malcolm]

hey, I'm still here. Its halloween...or samhain whatever you want to call it. I'm still listening. I'm still thankful. I'll talk to you tonight...sorry I've been gone so long. Its been a strange and busy time. You were always in my thoughts, but you already knew that.

We have some things I'd like to talk about if its okay. I could use some advice. Nothing earth shattering or anything. I'm just a little confused...again.

"Chance favors the bold and the gods love brave men."

I can't help but think that approach won't work here. Maybe thats the thing though. I can see that now.

[Malcolm]

"If I could I would, but I don't know how."
~phish

Love ya...thanks for last night. Thanks for the last couple days. I needed to talk about those things. The sun is coming up, I know its early but I can't sleep.

MaybeI just think to much...but I don't want to sleep right now. I feel like I'm right on the edge of figuring something out. Its close I can feel it. Its weird how you can feel an epiphany right before it happens. Its a strange feeling not easily put into words. Its a combination of alot of things.

This is the most dangerous part about a poison path. Sleep deprivation, chemicals running through your body, a little hungry...worn out...and just on the edge of putting things together. Not the best way to journey I understand...definately not the most healthy. Shaman...what does that mean anyway? This doesn't happen often. This is the gnosis of the chaotes...this is where the randomness of everything comes together.

This is where I spend to much time talking about it and not experienceing it, thus loosing it, happens. I'll come back to this...I need to internalize this and sort it out. For gods sake...don't waste it. This doesn't happen often.

:)

[Malcolm]

http://www.bobdylan.com/songs/tambourine.html

Alright. That makes complete sense. Kind of a cleche' song but at that moment in that time...it was right on the money.

[Malcolm]

Greensleaves I love you. Don't wanna make this all sappy or anything.

Just stay around this time would'ya? I miss you when you're gone.

to quote some lady "Your presence still lingers here"

and it won't leave me alone...please don't go

I miss you when you're not here

[Malcolm]

Funny thing puttin the sword away amd walkin free with no armor...its not so bad, its not so dangerous..and I'm not scared.

You wear that shit and they come for you. You look like a fight and thats exactly what happens. Product of your appearance I suppose.

Its like this right here, just give it a listen.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-9160488027278856751&q=Runes+to+my+memory&hl=en

I got nothin left like that. I'm not that guy anymore. Sure I used to be. All fists and broken bones...don't prove shit. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. Don't mistake this for weakness. To toot my own horn...I'll leave most folks bleedin. Thats not a brag. Just what happens. I go home. Thats my only rule. I GO HOME.

And on a sadder note I feel like this most of the time...

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=9108166986935670333&q=Motorhead&hl=en

But thats all bullshit. I never wanted to be that way. Just what I thought was cool. Just what I thought would get me through as a little kid. Just something I adopted as my own cause life was tough. I thought maybe I needed to be to make it. Hell, I did. Look at me now. Succesful. I make lots of money. I have a technical profession and people value my opinion.

Ain't even close to what I wanted. Don't much know if its what as needed.

I got one more though. Strange thing. Its from a band I never liked.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7963135093261560758&q=Foo+fighters&hl=en

Supose maybe that takes a litle explanation so...

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5997466595541840966&q=Stone+Temple+pilots&hl=en
Haha...damn allstate...

I just ain't feelin the same way as I used to. Don't much have that fire anymore. Almost scrapped a kid at the bar a few nights passed. I stood up to him and all I could think was "This ain't me no more"..."Don't neeed to do this."

Leaves , me in a cold place y'know.
Its my altar I'll dump If I want. I really feel i need to get this out.

Don't much feel like a warrior anymore. Don't know if I ever was. A fighter sure, but thats not the same thing.

This isn't sad. This is a good thing. I can take and give a bunch of fives. No worries. That ain't life though, thats a moment.

Shit, this ones make'n me see things different...don't know much how to react

Damn it! F' everything. I like her. Scrub everything else. She's eyes that'll sing me home...and damn it I like her, so f' everything else.

Ha! Thats me. Thats the malcolm, I need something to et behind...someone.

Could thats for sure.

[Malcolm]

I'm drunk again...not at work like I should be. I'm listening to music thinking it all speaks to a piece of my soul. I'm thinking, I get it now.

Thats all crap though. I been here before. I've thought these things before and they NEVER made a difference.

Don't much know if anything ever will. Its comlete nonsense...all of it. Its all things I've said and thought before. Just need to man up and deal with it.

I want to go to work....I'm not so far gone to know they'll know. I'm drunk.

This lady I been talking too don't help much. Suppose maybe I think to muc, or not enough.

I read this book once by Burroughs, "junky". I remember thinkin...damn that'll never happen to me. I'm too strong for that.

Guess I ain't as strong as I thought I was.

None of my responsibilities are in jeopardy though. I have the sick leave. I have some ducketts in the bank. I fought so hard to get them there though. I don't want to backslide like that.

It just sneaks up on you. Sneaks up on you waving a big rad flag saying "HERE I COME!"

I'm not defeated. I swear I'll never give in. This is just making me realise that its not a fight that will ever end. Its not something I can put behind me. I'll always fight this demon.

Like a re-occuring villain from a story. He might have slowed me down this time...but he'll try and kill me later. When I'm weak. He waits like that.

[Malcolm]

Why do my gods speak to me like that? I want an elk in a pristene forest with standing stones and....faeries damn it!

What kind of a god speaks to you through Rocky????? What the hell is that????

Wheres my reverant awe? Where is the gradeous imbsing voice of reason?

C'mon...Mickey from Rocky?

A dream about Mickey standing there in the corner saying "Get up you Bum! I didn't hear no bell! Get up one more time...Cause Mickey Loves ya!" and then...oh yea thats right even the them song.

Its what I needed to hear thats for sure. Wasn't what I thought I'd hear.

The whole thing was black and white, like cut scenes from the movie.

Eh, what do I care. Truth is Truth.

I just thought it was funny. I wanted to say thanks for that.

[Malcolm]

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna try. I think shes worth it. She makes me smile, not a whole lot does that no more.

I'm not afraid and I'm not ashamed to be the person that I am when I'm even talking to her. Her voice woke a part of me I thought long dead.

I kinda resent that though, cause I'm Malcolm and thats what I do...

Why does it take a woman to make me stable? What on earth is going on in my heart, my head? I love women, respect them...never done a damn thing to hurt one...put a few men on their back for hurting them. Its a twisted form of chivalry I suppose. I am not honorable. I lie,I cheat, I steal...anything that gets me by. I've even done worse before.

But I see a girl, a woman, casts me a smile and its all sunshine and rainbows...I turn into fernando the bull. Whatever demon is in me that can make me lash out at any damn thing in my environment is silenced by the pressence of any woman.

I like to refer to it as the "Go to your corner and have a cigarette look" and only woman can do that for some reason. I can be brutal as all hell, and win most pissing contests between men 'bout most anything you can think of.

Guess maybe I have a screwed up way of thinking about women. Messed up as it sounds I don't see them as euals. I think they are better than us...better than men. In that regard, I don't mind being subservient to them. Maybe thats not the right word.

They're just so damned beutiful. Caring. Intuitive. Damn it, they smell good. That sounds bad, I know. There is no such thing as heaven, sept maybe laying in the arms of a woman that gives a shit whether or not you wake the next day. I could die there. I could die there and not have a feeling of missing out.

So, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna pick my heart up off the floor and keep it right here next to me. She wants it, she can have it. I ain't gonna offer it though. Shit, thats a lie. I rambled on about this...the girl already has it and don't even know it.

But, I ain't sayin nothin :)

To old to get burnt like that.

I am ****in scared period

Fear never stopped me before all I can ask is this

"Let me die without fear as I have lived, without it."

I can't even really articulate what I'm feeling.

Never thought...just never thought...shes so different...so not what I normally am attracted to...

I mean hell, she was talking about shoe shopping and I was interested...WTF?????

[Malcolm]

These things that try so hard to be sad. These things that try so hard to drag me down.

They can't reach me anymore. I'm not cold. I'm not numb. I'm different now. I truly don't feel the same anymore.

I like coming home now. I like the things I have, despite the method with which I acquired them. I don't much like sharing them though. I feel bad for that. I feel like I owe something...its hard to explain.

Maybe like when you crash someones shit...its nice and its okay to have a refuge...and you appreciate that. but you don't so much respect it cause it was given....thats selfish, I know...

They didn't fight so hard as you to get what you have. Thats not an insult though. They just started crashing way before you had a chance to settle...for once in your damn lfe, a chance to hugin breath. Thats all you wanted...maybe a couple weeks alone.

I love them, thats not an issue...but hug! Some time alone would have been cool.

bivitty bovitty boo...

[Malcolm]

I get it now. Nothin...

You're right, stop being there. It feels real good actually

Loki, Cerri....you both done right by me :cheers:

Swear I'll do the same

[Malcolm]

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4623864679747500770&q=Somewhere+only+we+know&hl=en

[Malcolm]

So now I get the pleasure of watching my friends go through the exact same crap I did. Gosh, this'll be a hoot...

Maybe I'm approaching this the wrong way though. I can't help but think this'll be a good learning experience. That sounds so selfish though. I want to help, I really do but...its complicated. I know the both of you. You're both my friends. Sorry kids, I'm staying out of this one.

Well, for as long as I can anyway. I accept the eventual possibility of getting stuck between you two...It all just seems so childlike to me. Love, especially lost love, makes a person irational. Trust me I know that.

I don't know. I think I'm going to reserve judgement on this for awhile. See how it plays out. (now that is something new for me)

[Malcolm]

A year to completely screw myself up. A year to realize I was completely screwed up. Will it take another year to fix?

That will be three years, it never seases to amaze me how quickly time moves in periods of extreme emotion. Its just weird looking back now.

I think I've earned the right to my silence. I think if I ever did have anything left to prove, its done now.

[Malcolm]

Why can't I remember my dreams anymore? I have been sober for longer than I have been in the past few years. Even in the midst of my deepest drunkest stupor I always remembered my dreams. I know I've dreamt, I can remember that much. The details are all fuzzy though. Not crisp and clear like they used to be.

Maybe a sober mind is harder fro the subconcious to access...or maybe it just needs time to adjust to the symbolism. I'll just give it some time I suppose.

Then again, I wonder if maybe I'm not remembering them because I am trying to...if that makes sense.

back to one I guess...time to break out that dream journal. Man I haven't had to use that thing in years...

Oh well. I still like this. Its like being back at square one. Starting over from scratch. Clean slate and all, only this time I have the gift of hind sight. That'll help.

Anyway, still waiting. The door is open as usual. Who am I partied up with this year?

[Malcolm]

to many questions, to many posibilities, to many options...to many things I can't calculate right now

I'm having trouble thinking from that part of my mind right now. I have this dull ache in my gut. It feels like regret or remorse, but I haven't done anything wrong. I can't get my head around it. I'm having trouble focusing, and an even greater difficulty falling asleep.

Whats going on in my heart?

I need to take a step back and figure this out. I can't stop remembering things. Its like a flood of memories, some good some bad.

I know I shut alot of things away. Shoved them down and tried to forget about them. Tried to pretend that those things didn't affect me. That I was stronger than any pain I felt. Well I see now that there was no strength in doing that. It was cowardice of the worst kind. I didn't deal with them because I let myself believe I was to strong for them to affect me. I lied to myself and I believed me. I ran. I never dealt with them because I wasn't strong enough to. I know that now.

I remember our house when I was little an dad was still around. I always say I don't when it comes up but I do. I remember with perfect clarity the day he left. I remember thinking to myself at that age that I would never feel that kind of pain again. I promised myself. I was taught a lesson that day but I took its meaning wrong.

I wonder how many people have that memory. Remember the exact moment in their lives when they stopped caring. I'm sure most people do.

We moved around alot when I was younger. We moved wherever moms current husband was living. I'm 26 years old and my oldest friend I've only known maybe five years.

I think thats how I got so stubborn. The world around me continually changed. The people I knew. The social circles I traveled in. Our own lifestyle could change radicaly in just a few months time. Trailers, Duplexes, apartments, nice houses with eighty acres out back...the country the city the suburbs. Have money, don't have money, have friends, don't have friends.

I only ever saw my mom on the weekends between the ages of twelve through eighteen. My sister moved away because she couldn't deal with my mom or her myriad of relationships. I both envied and hated her ability to get away. I was never abused or anything like that. Neither emotionally or physically. I was just left alone, plain and simple. No one bothered me and no one told me what to do.

I've seen my family do what I consider to be some the most underhanded shit to eachother its rediculous.

So why the hell should I feel any regret for never really having a relationship with any of them.

I guess when it comes down to it, I'm just tired of feeling alone. I'm not lonely. I have friends. A potential relationship even, but this just feels so damn alien.

This entire thing. This is my third year on my own. Seems so strange to say that. It doesn't seem that long. I can't remember the first year very well. The first to middle of the second is hazy as well other than an overwhelming feeling of needing to change things. It took me the rest of that year to get my shit sorted, and I'm almost done.

Three years on my own. Two of them worthless. I came into this year knowing that things had to change. That process was set in motion last year and is finally coming to fruition.

As I write this I know now why I can't remember my dreams. Why I haven't experienced anything this year so far. I don't think they can help me with this, other than lend an ear when needed. This is not a spiritual battle. This is not a crisis of faith.

This is an issue with me. With how I want to live. What I want to do.

I'm sorry I said all those awful things. Its easier to be mad at something else that take a look inside. Well, I'm doing that now. Its not that I don't like what I see. Its the fact that I don't see anything other than a pissed of person that would just as soon tell you to go to hell rather than help anyone...including himself.

I just stand there in my minds eye looking at this wretched little thing. Its strange. Hes not malevolent. Hes not really aggresive. Hes not afraid. He looks like someone that really doesn't care how things turn out. Like he gave up and all thats left is this one simple rule "I will survive."

But why? Why does he do that? If he really doesn't care. Why try at all? Why survive? Why do I do that?

I have to care about something. The obvious answer would be "You have a daughter." Which is true. I love my daughter. I would be willing to die for her.

Thats not the same as living for someone though.

My whole life I've been a chameleon. I can blend into any social situation. Its hard to believe I know but I'm actually a rather charming person when I want to be.

I jsut always feel so torn between the person I want to be and the person that has gotten me this far in life.

I was just a stupid kid that put on a tough front and forgot how to take it off.

Even now this voice in the back of my head is protesting writing this. saying things like "Its not my fault, they..."

Well f that. If its not my fault whose is it? My parents? Society? My environment? Thats all bullshit. My fear got me here. I was scared, I admit that now. I turned my fear to anger and resentment and it burned me down eventually. I'm not a wise person. Hell, I'm not even that smart...but I can admit when I ****ed up; and I did.

This isn't much of a prayer. I'm sorry for that. I'm not even sure why I posted this here. I just needed to vent.

I guess all I really want to say is. I want to help. I'm not really sure what that means. Its not what I wanted to convey but its the only thing I can think of right now. I'm not even sure where it came from or why. I don't want to turn the cold shoulder of indifference to people anymore.

I want to be what I set out to be many years ago when I started all this. Not what I've become. Maybe thats what is really eating at me. I'm here now looking at how things turned out and I can't believe it went this way.

I can't believe I let that happen, and for the life of me I can't remember the decisions that got me here. I do remember that it was one compromise after the other until here I sit. Love makes you do stupid things I guess. Well, at the time you think its love but its not. I know that now. Love doesn't make you compromise. least not the real kind anyway. No one you love should ever make you change who you are to suit them or what they want. Young an dumb I guess.

"I touch the earth and I don't wanna think, I wanna feel...but how do I feel"
~PearlJam

[Malcolm]

honey, honey...come and dance with me. Welcome to my parlor said the spider to the fly.

Sure I'm not stable, sure I'm not reliable or responsible or any of those grown up words. Don't kid yourself though. I can see you just as well as everyone else can. This is where the wild things live and you love it just as much as I do. So come and dance with me.

We'll never sleep alone and the sun will warm us even on the greyest of days.

[Malcolm]

I could use a visit, not from you lad...sorry. I need a little advice from a her, bit of a softer side'd be nice right now. I hope she ain't to busy.

I have some things rollin around my head right now. Nothing that won't wait so no rush. I seem to have gone and got myself in a sentimental mood. Actually thats not completely accurate.

I just want someone to talk to..and not you Loki. I know what you'll say. No, offense. You know I'm with you.

I'm just a little f'd around right now. I think I mighta got myself a little left of center...more so than usual.

Who am I kidding...this could be bad.

[Malcolm]

Right. I get it.

[Malcolm]

Sleeping in the rain kid...yeah, I am better than you. Tougher, stronger...

You know what though...you made it an issue, not me. Not us.

Keep your insults directed at me, thats the honorable thing to do.

[Malcolm]

I love it here, really I do. It feels so good to shed my skin and dance around in my bones. Honestly. All malcolm bullshit aside, all lokean bullshit aside.

Just my spirit talkin, it dosen't get this chance often.

I'm floating in this, swept up in a tide of wonder. I was, I am, and I will be. I have no words for what I'm feeling now.

I seen mountain tops, I seen plains, I seen forests, tripped me some ice and snow known good times known bad ones, kicked it with some people I admire, spent some time with folks I'd rather forget,

I sailed a schooner round the horn of Mexico, crossed the river deep and wide...where steal and water did collide...those ain't me just lyrics I kinda dig.

I'm just okay with me for once and damn anyone says different. I get me for once. Seems I like me. I don't figure I have much to dislike about myself. To me, thats a powerful thing to say. No excuses, nothing like that.

This skin, this blood, these bones....my scars, my blood, my bones...I love them.

I've found a place to rest my spirit, I tied it all up. What a neat little package it all fits into. It reads "break glass only in the event of war" :lol:

Honor in tact. Shit! I f'n made it! All my talk of armor and being tough and fighting and all those kinda things.

Cerri, you'll always be in my heart. Loki, c'mon lad we got a long row to hoe. Saddle up, bloddy those spurs, we ride again.:cheers:

[Malcolm]

I went to church today, heard a Sermon

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdZb2inh4YM

Ain't glitter boys pretty?

[Malcolm]

You may be feeling battle weary today as you tire of your old familiar games. Your current temperament might prevent you from laying low as you once again join the front lines in social engagement. Even if you have obligations now, remember that you are being presented with an opportunity to begin an important healing process. Don't distract yourself from the real work at hand.

Horoscopes, heh...

[Malcolm]

To someone:


This kinda hurts my feelings.The last time we talked you seemed so sad. So ready to just say "hug it." You had this weird fatalistic beuty about what you were doing. Strength. Strength I can't even imagine, nothing I would ever want to come against, and it was giving itself up.

You were my sister through one helluva battle. Nothin to romantic bought the way we met either. just folks that found themselves on the front lines, folks that had to battle. Gods I miss you.

Maybe I'm being a bit selfish, but...you're my priestess, my friend, my blood.

I'm angry. Just, why? Why won't you let me help? I ain't a ghodi or nothin like that, I ain't even very good at what I want to be; but you know I can lay low most things...and it breaks my heart. I can fight. I can, shit, I could give you peace, I could beat all this...I want to anyway.

I get that maybe we're in two different places right now. I resent the fact that we are in two different places right now. I so desperately want to be where you are, but I wanted to be there with you.

Its okay though, I'm alright with it. I understand. I'll be right here, keeping my blades sharp and my armor polished.

If you ever need me or my talents, all you have to do is ask. I really want to get spikey and say "But there is a price...." you and I both know there isn't though. It's a funny thing being beat by someone. Even funnier when you know it but don't care so much.

God save the queen. Maybe if I was a poet, maybe if I was someting else...but I know the words, I know the dances and I can paint any picture you would've liked. But its cool.

I'll draw this breastplate in tight, with its cold comfort. I know what I am. I know where I'm from. I'll do same as I always did, move forward. I gues I really should be thanking you, but I'm just kinda frustrated.

So go on lass. I wish you well, and I hope I never see you here again. Just know, noone ever wore armor like you did, no one ever fought like you did and I'd never trust my side to anyone that didn't live up to you,


True Story.

[Malcolm]

I don't mean to be secretive. Theres no huge secret to my life or aqnything. I just figured what I was on about wasn't nothin special...so I didn't figure most folks would be interested.

Sorry kid, didn't mean to make you wonder. But you make me wonder sometimes too. We been friends for a long time. You're one of the ones I actually like, one I consider a brother...not just an aquantence.

I'm not really sure how to act around you. Its weird. I've known you forever but it seems like we don't really know eachother. I guess thats just how guys are. Maybe I just want it o go a little deeper, y'know...someone I can tell shit to. I don't know, maybe I'm just rambling.

I'm getting kind of sick of this spirituality really. I'm getting tired of the signs and omens. I'm getting sick of people looking at me differently, like I'm an oracle or something...I dunno, its weird. I'm just Dan. The same dude you've all known forever. Its hard for me to understand what you think I am.

Sure, y'know, yeah...I can do all those things you think of when you think "witch". But I'm not a witch and I can't tell you what witch even means.

I'm just not really sure where I stand as far as that goes. I don't know what you expect from me.

I guess I'm just a little confused and I want my friend back.

[Malcolm]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wx72VI2oxBE

just cause I'm in a sentimental mood

[Malcolm]

I'm scared. I don't know where to go, I don't know what to trust. The only thing I'm sure of is this will kill me If I keep it up. I'm not scared of dying, I'm scared of living. Its not a place I want to be anymore. I feel trapped most of the time.

I hate being sober. It just hurts thats all. I can't stop thinking, and those thoughts aren't anything nice...I know I should deal with them. It just hurts thats all.

Alcohol warms the belly and soothes the mind, at least for me anyway. I just feel like I've failed in so many ways. Which, honestly I don't understand. My life is fine. Good job, nice things... stand on my own...but still, something is missing.

Only thing I've ever wanted, and maybe I'm putting it on a pedestal, seems to ellude me.

Whatever





Everyone breaks. Everyone feels pain and loss. Everyone has to take a knee every now and again. I get that. I understand weakness. No one can be atlas forever. But I can. I can deal. I have to much pride to shrug, and I'm strong damn it. I'll battle any comer, I'll lay them low. This isn't some kind of game to me.

This is my role in the tribe. I'm the strong one. I do what needs to be done, in the dark or in the light...makes no difference to me.

I still don't know peace. I feel I failed them all. To busy being strong. To busy being a rock...its my fault. I set this example. I never showed anyone how to be weak, or even that it was okay.

I am so sorry for that. It was selfish and wrong.

I made a mistake. I was wrong.

Everyone breaks. Everyone feels pain and loss. Everyone has to take a knee every now and again. I get that. I understand weakness. No one can be atlas forever. But I can. I can deal. I have to much pride to shrug, and I'm strong damn it. I'll battle any comer, I'll lay them low. This isn't some kind of game to me.

This is my role in the tribe. I'm the strong one. I do what needs to be done, in the dark or in the light...makes no difference to me.

I still don't know peace. I feel I failed them all. To busy being strong. To busy being a rock...its my fault. I set this example. I never showed anyone how to be weak, or even that it was okay.

I am so sorry for that. It was selfish and wrong.

I made a mistake. I was wrong.

Everyone breaks. Everyone feels pain and loss. Everyone has to take a knee every now and again. I get that. I understand weakness. No one can be atlas forever. But I can. I can deal. I have to much pride to shrug, and I'm strong damn it. I'll battle any comer, I'll lay them low. This isn't some kind of game to me.

This is my role in the tribe. I'm the strong one. I do what needs to be done, in the dark or in the light...makes no difference to me.

I still don't know peace. I feel I failed them all. To busy being strong. To busy being a rock...its my fault. I set this example. I never showed anyone how to be weak, or even that it was okay.

I am so sorry for that. It was selfish and wrong.

I made a mistake. I was wrong.

Everyone breaks. Everyone feels pain and loss. Everyone has to take a knee every now and again. I get that. I understand weakness. No one can be atlas forever. But I can. I can deal. I have to much pride to shrug, and I'm strong damn it. I'll battle any comer, I'll lay them low. This isn't some kind of game to me.

This is my role in the tribe. I'm the strong one. I do what needs to be done, in the dark or in the light...makes no difference to me.

I still don't know peace. I feel I failed them all. To busy being strong. To busy being a rock...its my fault. I set this example. I never showed anyone how to be weak, or even that it was okay.

I am so sorry for that. It was selfish and wrong.

I made a mistake. I was wrong.

[Malcolm]

And it was turning out to be such a nice day as well. Hello Bane, what have you been up to?

[Malcolm]

Tthree questions:

1) Who was the guy in the hat?

2) whats with south lately?

3) The number 14?

This gromit has tadpole eyes and treads dirt like sand paper. No, really.

[Malcolm]

Its getting easier. Thank You:)

[Malcolm]

I know. Its time to grow up. I'm to old to be acting this way still. There are a lot of habits and mindsets that its time to give up. A complete paradigm shift. This isn't going to be asy so, much as it pains me to admit, I'll need a little help.

Walk with me again? I need you Brigid you as well as Bran, and Mannannan. I was off visiting family, I'd like to come and stay with you all for awhile if thats okay.

I've learned cunning. I'd like to learn a little temperance, wisdom, that kinda thing. So this is me asking, can you teach me?

[Malcolm]

Its never felt like this.everything is so heavy, I feel this great weight on me and I'm not sue I can fix this by myself...I just want to die so it will go away. Ihave it in me. I can feelit in me, but mystrebgth sleeps now. My hands won't quit shaking, my heart won't stop beating this fast. I try and concentrate on it, focus but I can't make it slow down. My nose feels numb, I don't even know what fu cking day it is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TqM-vxThcY

I feel sick inside. Physically ill. I can't even bring myself to think about all the things and people I'm letting down. Let alone how this whole thing will play out.

"I'm as strong as a thousand armies"...well thats a lie.

[Malcolm]

I've read this whole thing. None of this is in me anymore. This was not an altar. This was a spoiled child shaking his fist at the universe saying "Give me what I want or else."

The amount of ego and hubris contained in these pages sickens me. I'll not post here again.