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View Full Version : A Discordian monkeywrenching.....



semi
July 1st, 2006, 10:33 PM
....at my local grocery store? Hmmm.

I went to get my veggies, tofu, and beer tonight and I saw that the automatic door didn't open for the woman in front of me. She walked into it. Then, after a second of a surprise, she pushed it open and walked in.

When I came out of the store, I watched the door as I walked to my car. EVERYONE walked into the door. I stood and watched for a couple minutes. Some people stood in front of the door waiting for it to open. Some people waved their hands trying to trigger the sensor to to open the door. Some people waited for someone to leave the store, then entered through the still-open exit door. Other than that one woman who walked in ahead of me, it was only after a prolonged moment of confusion or trying other methods that people pushed the door open. It was like watching monkeys trying to learn to push the right button to get the food pellet. And I say that as a fellow monkey, just one who isn't usually perplexed by something that can easily be shoved out the way, whether I expect it to move before I shove it or not.

All I could think of was, "This must be the work of a Discordian." So, who's been messing around in my neighborhood?

Fire's Shadow
July 1st, 2006, 11:04 PM
I'm back at my home town. I was riding with my parents to a restaraunt downtown to grab a bite to eat. My mother pointed out a billboard with two giant words on it, "I Farted." She told me that someone bought a couple other advertisements just like it. She looked at me and asked, "Who in the right mind would spend money on a billboard that says 'I farted'?" I just laughed and told her "I have no clue." I couldn't help but think that a subgenii or discordian was behind it. I was scanning for a picture of "Bob" on it, but I couldn't find it.

Little Billy
July 1st, 2006, 11:18 PM
All I could think of was, "This must be the work of a Discordian." So, who's been messing around in my neighborhood?

Either that, or a burned out sensor (which can be done with a Bic lighter held close to the sensor for 45-60 seconds, not that I would know anything about that sort of thing).

After all, there is no Discordian/Subgenii conspiracy. Nothing to see here.


I'm back at my home town. I was riding with my parents to a restaraunt downtown to grab a bite to eat. My mother pointed out a billboard with two giant words on it, "I Farted." She told me that someone bought a couple other advertisements just like it. She looked at me and asked, "Who in the right mind would spend money on a billboard that says 'I farted'?" I just laughed and told her "I have no clue." I couldn't help but think that a subgenii or discordian was behind it. I was scanning for a picture of "Bob" on it, but I couldn't find it.

That's probably a prelude to an ad.

If it was a Discordian, it would say "RUN WHILE YOU STILL HAVE LEGS, FOOLS!"

Rowan Darkmoon
July 1st, 2006, 11:19 PM
I'm back at my home town. I was riding with my parents to a restaraunt downtown to grab a bite to eat. My mother pointed out a billboard with two giant words on it, "I Farted." She told me that someone bought a couple other advertisements just like it. She looked at me and asked, "Who in the right mind would spend money on a billboard that says 'I farted'?" I just laughed and told her "I have no clue." I couldn't help but think that a subgenii or discordian was behind it. I was scanning for a picture of "Bob" on it, but I couldn't find it.

I like "I farted" better then those God ads. Those things drove me crazy.

Farting is something I can really get behind.

semi
July 1st, 2006, 11:22 PM
Either that, or a burned out sensor (which can be done with a Bic lighter held close to the sensor for 45-60 seconds, not that I would know anything about that sort of thing).

After all, there is no Discordian/Subgenii conspiracy. Nothing to see here.

I did not mean to leave out the possibility that it could be Subgenii, it's just that I know they don't exist and, if they existed, I know they would know nothing about such heinous acts of monkeywrenching. But the Discordians, well, you know how THEY are.

Little Billy
July 1st, 2006, 11:27 PM
I like "I farted" better then those God ads. Those things drove me crazy.

Farting is something I can really get behind.


I dunno. Depends on who writes the ad.

"I'm PISSED!"
- God

"I was only kidding about the adultery bit."
- God

"Stomp out "Bob"!"
- God


I did not mean to leave out the possibility that it could be Subgenii, it's just that I know they don't exist and, if they existed, I know they would know nothing about such heinous acts of monkeywrenching. But the Discordians, well, you know how THEY are.

Heathens, one and all. Exterminate the brutes.

LB,
Knows a neat trick involving those doors and a laser pointer. But that would be WRONG.

Deranged Hermit
July 1st, 2006, 11:45 PM
Now see, the electric eye chooses to ignore me, most of the time. I can watch 15 people of various shapes and sizes walk up to the doors that open warmly and welcomingly, then I get to them, and nothing happens. I do, however, know enough to push them open. As to the rest, well all I have to say is, I deny everything, and you can't prove a thing. :2G:
~DH
has performed no miscreant acts in the last 5 minutes

Little Billy
July 1st, 2006, 11:50 PM
Now see, the electric eye chooses to ignore me, most of the time. I can watch 15 people of various shapes and sizes walk up to the doors that open warmly and welcomingly, then I get to them, and nothing happens.

That's because the machine god hates you!

And who can blame him? When is the last time you have conducted the sacred maintenance rituals? When is the last time you have anointed the toaster with the holy 90W oil?

Fire's Shadow
July 1st, 2006, 11:53 PM
That's probably a prelude to an ad.

Never saw the ad... and never saw a punchline. It was quite odd, but I did notice a few people swerving in their cars while looking at it.

Little Billy
July 1st, 2006, 11:59 PM
Never saw the ad... and never saw a punchline. It was quite odd, but I did notice a few people swerving in their cars while looking at it.

Personally, I'd put an angry Baby Jesus, scowling down on all who pass beneath.

Maybe with the words: "I know what you did!", or maybe not.

Doctor Jeep
July 2nd, 2006, 12:06 AM
LB,
Knows a neat trick involving those doors and a laser pointer. But that would be WRONG.

I think it's time for a class, Little Billy. :D

semi
July 2nd, 2006, 12:08 AM
LB,
Knows a neat trick involving those doors and a laser pointer. But that would be WRONG.


Based on what I recall from hazy memories of my childhood, don't two wrongs make a right? Therefore, shouldn't we do the laser pointer trick twice as much as we feel the need, just to make things right, just because we care?

WokeUpDead
July 2nd, 2006, 12:10 AM
Farting is something I can really get behind.
Getting behind farts is kinda gross don't you think?

Rowan Darkmoon
July 2nd, 2006, 12:13 AM
Getting behind farts is kinda gross don't you think?

Yes, but occasionally you can't help yourself. You're in the wrong place at the wrong time. :eek:

Little Billy
July 2nd, 2006, 12:20 AM
Based on what I recall from hazy memories of my childhood, don't two wrongs make a right? Therefore, shouldn't we do the laser pointer trick twice as much as we feel the need, just to make things right, just because we care?


1. No, but three DO.

2. You have to do it three times as much. Remember, too much is always better than not enough.


I think it's time for a class, Little Billy. :D

You think Mol would allow Asshattery 101?

Fire's Shadow
July 2nd, 2006, 12:24 AM
You think Mol would allow Asshattery 101?

He would if you had some certain special pictures...

Little Billy
July 2nd, 2006, 12:25 AM
He would if you had some certain special pictures...

Blackmail?

Maybe he knows something about THIS:

http://www.bolt.com/GreenTea955/audio/896574

WokeUpDead
July 2nd, 2006, 12:29 AM
He would if you had some certain special pictures...
I have all the evidence I need right here

http://www.mysticwicks.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=62500&d=1143251381

Fire's Shadow
July 2nd, 2006, 12:31 AM
I have all the evidence I need right here

http://www.mysticwicks.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=62500&d=1143251381

:lol:

Looks like we get an Asshattery 101 class from LB after all.

Doctor Jeep
July 2nd, 2006, 12:32 AM
You think Mol would allow Asshattery 101?

*looks over other classes that have been held*

Ahem. I certainly can't imagine why not. :D


I have all the evidence I need right here

http://www.mysticwicks.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=62500&d=1143251381

:lol:

Little Billy
July 2nd, 2006, 12:32 AM
*looks over other classes that have been held*

Ahem. I certainly can't imagine why not. :D



:lol:

Being a Subgenius, I am to unreliable to offer a class.

But I might be convinced to write a few pieces on the subject...

Doctor Jeep
July 2nd, 2006, 12:42 AM
But I might be convinced to write a few pieces on the subject...

Works for me. :cheers:

semi
July 2nd, 2006, 12:50 AM
I have all the evidence I need right here

http://www.mysticwicks.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=62500&d=1143251381


Damn. You're good.

Vincent Verthaine
July 2nd, 2006, 03:00 AM
All I could think of was, "This must be the work of a Discordian." So, who's been messing around in my neighborhood?
What city do you live in?
If it's within my quadrant,I can find out.
Unless it's within the Dallas-Houston area.
That's sub-genii turf.
And right now,they are not to thrilled with all the N'Awlins discordians currently living there.

And for the record,I have sanctioned no discordian activity there :lilangel:
I and the Baton Rouge Omni Benevolent Polyfather are working together to rectify the situation and bring our agents...er...I mean,our people home.
Of course,if LB could use his pull to let us use the Sub-Genii's Orbital Space Station,things could go a lot quicker...

Just sayin.

semi
July 2nd, 2006, 03:14 AM
What city do you live in?
If it's within my quadrant,I can find out.
Unless it's within the Dallas-Houston area.
That's sub-genii turf.
And right now,they are not to thrilled with all the N'Awlins discordians currently living there.

And for the record,I have sanctioned no discordian activity there :lilangel:
I and the Baton Rouge Omni Benevolent Polyfather are working together to rectify the situation and bring our agents...er...I mean,our people home.
Of course,if LB could use his pull to let us use the Sub-Genii's Orbital Space Station,things could go a lot quicker...

Just sayin.


What, are you guys in gangs? Gangs with orbital space stations! Cool, sign me up.

I'm in NY. Which, by the way, if you need someone to....do things....to subvert humanity.....or something.....let me know. Not that I personally would do anything like that, no way, god bless America and W, too, yeehaw! I'm just saying that if you needed someone in this area who isn't the upstanding example of civil obediance and moral fortitude that I am, I can hook you up. Not that I personally know anyone like that. Nor would I want to. Nope. Just saying.

Vincent Verthaine
July 2nd, 2006, 03:48 AM
What, are you guys in gangs? Gangs with orbital space stations! Cool, sign me up.

I'm in NY. Which, by the way, if you need someone to....do things....to subvert humanity.....or something.....let me know. Not that I personally would do anything like that, no way, god bless America and W, too, yeehaw! I'm just saying that if you needed someone in this area who isn't the upstanding example of civil obediance and moral fortitude that I am, I can hook you up. Not that I personally know anyone like that. Nor would I want to. Nope. Just saying.

Cabals.To be exact.
One of the big benefits of Being the Church of Eris Omni-Benevolent Polyfather of Hedonism in Black,Keeper of the Book of Eris,and Defender of the Discordian Holy City of New Orleans is that I get to interact with all the real cool Secret Societies.
I can drop secrets of WHATS REALLY GOING ON left and right,and practically no one here would believe me.

Like the fact that Katrina was the result of an attack by the Illuminated Seers of Bavaria in retaliation for a raid on their secret weapons depot by the Joint COE-JAMS(Justified Ancients of Mu) on 05/05/05.(lost of real nices goodies.Two bad they had the "Hurricane Creator" in another location.
Which we just took care of.Why do you think it was raining so hard in the washington DC area?)

Or that the Sub-Genii are still pissed at us discordians for thwarting X-day a few years back.

I'd keep you in mind,but the NYC Polyfather and I are not on speaking terms.(something about him sleeping with my girlfriend,and him accidently getting a boob job tacked on to appendectomy.I had absolutely nothing to do with that.I swear!!:whatgives ),so i try not to have dealings in that quadrant(which there are 5.)

semi
July 2nd, 2006, 03:53 AM
Cabals.To be exact.
One of the big benefits of Being the Church of Eris Omni-Benevolent Polyfather of Hedonism in Black,Keeper of the Book of Eris,and Defender of the Discordian Holy City of New Orleans is that I get to interact with all the real cool Secret Societies.
I can drop secrets of WHATS REALLY GOING ON left and right,and practically no one here would believe me.

Like the fact that Katrina was the result of an attack by the Illuminated Seers of Bavaria in retaliation for a raid on their secret weapons depot by the Joint COE-JAMS(Justified Ancients of Mu) on 05/05/05.(lost of real nices goodies.Two bad they had the "Hurricane Creator" in another location.
Which we just took care of.Why do you think it was raining so hard in the washington DC area?)

Or that the Sub-Genii are still pissed at us discordians for thwarting X-day a few years back.

So if I join your gang-cabal, do I get a hurricane machine? That would be nice. When I signed up for a bank account a few years ago all I got was a set of tupperware. I'd rather have the hurricane machine.

Deranged Hermit
July 2nd, 2006, 06:58 AM
:fpeek:
excuse the interruption, but I think Asshattery 101 is absolutely essential. LB, since you're unreliable, maybe you and your unreliable brethren could take turns posting new, um, "insights".:hahugh: Of course, I have yet to finish a class of any sort, so I think I'm just the right person to demand it. :smash: :boing:
And I live too far from the ocean, so I'd like a tornado generator please, if it's not too much trouble. :viking:

Vincent Verthaine
July 2nd, 2006, 03:17 PM
So if I join your gang-cabal, do I get a hurricane machine? That would be nice. When I signed up for a bank account a few years ago all I got was a set of tupperware. I'd rather have the hurricane machine.
So would I.
You'd have to join the Illuminati to get the hurricane machine.
But alas,the hurricane machine is no more.
(you'd think that some of the most powerful people on this planet would be inteeligent enough not to put a shiny candy red button that says "Self Destruct" on their doomsday devices).

Your best bet is to contact Eris via your pineal gland,strike a deal with her,and form your own cabal.
If your not a total schmuck (strike that,even if you are total schmuck) you'll eventually get to enter the highly lucrative and exiting world of Global Super Secret Society Intrigue.

Warning!!!Most of the really cool high tech gadgetry,and or super-duper majiqueal items only work in the Chaossphere (the astal plane to non erisians) and the Imagination Plane(the mental palne) and sometimes on Bi-Planes (aircraft with two sets of wings).

Remember,just because it's imaginary,doesn't mean it's not real.

Becoming a discordian super agent isn't all excitement and hotbabes and travels throughout the multiverse.(but they are the perks).
The pay doesn't translate well on this dimension(the talking monkeys on this planet do not recognize flaxscrip,hempscrip,NortonNotes,Golden Apples,Kallistis,cookies,and pop-tarts as legetimate currency).
Most of the other pagans either think your nuts (which is true.Just because we're crazy doesn't mecessarily make us liars),
or look down on us because we have our own way of seeing things.

Your exploits will never be known (or believed) by the general public.
I've helped save this world from alien invasions,ancient lovecraftian horrors,and any more William Shatner directed Star Trek movies.
But has anyone of you ever said "Thank you Vincent,for saving the world".

I should say not.

Now if you excuse me,I have a suite waiting for me at the Pleasure Domes of Janus IV for an afternoon with a very attractive Denobian.(4 breasts.Two in the front,two in the back,makes slowdancing sooooo much more fun)

Rhisiart
July 2nd, 2006, 03:28 PM
Warning!!!Most of the really cool high tech gadgetry,and or super-duper majiqueal items only work in the Chaossphere (the astal plane to non erisians) and the Imagination Plane(the mental palne) and sometimes on Bi-Planes (aircraft with two sets of wings).

I thought the Bi-Plane was close to San Fransico?

Vincent Verthaine
July 2nd, 2006, 03:46 PM
I thought the Bi-Plane was close to San Fransico?
Shhh,thats the GLBT Panthers Cabal secret.

They really need to tighten security.

eldora_avalon
July 2nd, 2006, 08:46 PM
Thank you Vincent,for saving the world :devil: