ShamanFeather
July 2nd, 2006, 10:28 PM
I've been going through stressful times, and although I am not always thinking of the stress, my heart has been racing more then usual.
Its a grief sort of thing, letting go of someone who I loved, but now seems to despise me. I watched his progression slowly go to feeling defenseful around me at all times, and acting like a real masculine organ if you know what I mean. Standardized stereotypical male. It isn't good for me, and I have not yet got good a good base of friends I'm trying.
I have been through so much hardship over the last 3 years I feel ready to collapse out of tiredness. It usually works out, but I wish I knew why I was going through so much. I think partially spiritual life growth for a higher cause, but I want to be surrounded in rl with people who love me and care about me. I want to be assured of my bills being paid and a safe place to live. I want a supportive environment, which none of these things I really don't have right now. I go home and the guy I live with looks like he wants to rip me apart for no reason that I can tell (i'm even being extra nice!) and gets passive agressive often.
Although I don't like to say this (b/c ppl may think I'm only making this up to cover for the situation) I have seen dark shadow things around him, and it feels like his heart his hard. I do not know if the shadows are there b/c he is how he is now, or if they cause it some, and I hear my guides say that if they are causing it he is still letting them do so. he is no longer compassionate or patient, and things the world owes him everything. I think he has told him family bad lies about me, because when I answer the phone it was his aunt, a psychologist and she was incredibly cold and angry sounding to me. he has told me everything I taught him (that he asked to be taught) he doesn't feel that it is right. which is a big slap because I do not teach just anyone. this makes me incredibly angry.
for the first time in my life I really want revenge, I want him to have absolute clarity of the situation and to realize the full extent of how much he hurt me and how he is acting and I want it to come to him in one big sucker punch that will leave him gasping for breath like no other awakening in his life ever has. Yes I know its not good to want revenge, but I want him clarity, and for everything he deserves (in the way the divinity sees right to award him good or bad).
btw, I know he has a right to leave, but it is horrible how he is supposed to be in a professional massage field and he doesn't want anyone to complain to him about pain. I think this is sad. He acts like money is his right, and doesn't appreciate what he has. He no longer takes responsibility for himself either. His actions have potential to hurt more then me, and it is the opposite of what he used to me.
But either way I don't want to be stressed anymore, I am tired and want to lay my head down now. I want a time of joy for the first time in my life for real. Healing without the incisions of surgery. I lay down and even when my thoughts are not consciously on this my heart races. I feel the pulse in my legs. I feel like I am gaining weight, but there is no real reason for it.
I have tried to be objective as possible. I don't want to run from the pain only to have it follow me, but I don't know what to do. Its not good for my heart to be like this, physical or emotionally. My family has a history of bad heart problems and I don't want this to hurt me like this.
Can anyone offer help, energy. something?
Thank you.
Its a grief sort of thing, letting go of someone who I loved, but now seems to despise me. I watched his progression slowly go to feeling defenseful around me at all times, and acting like a real masculine organ if you know what I mean. Standardized stereotypical male. It isn't good for me, and I have not yet got good a good base of friends I'm trying.
I have been through so much hardship over the last 3 years I feel ready to collapse out of tiredness. It usually works out, but I wish I knew why I was going through so much. I think partially spiritual life growth for a higher cause, but I want to be surrounded in rl with people who love me and care about me. I want to be assured of my bills being paid and a safe place to live. I want a supportive environment, which none of these things I really don't have right now. I go home and the guy I live with looks like he wants to rip me apart for no reason that I can tell (i'm even being extra nice!) and gets passive agressive often.
Although I don't like to say this (b/c ppl may think I'm only making this up to cover for the situation) I have seen dark shadow things around him, and it feels like his heart his hard. I do not know if the shadows are there b/c he is how he is now, or if they cause it some, and I hear my guides say that if they are causing it he is still letting them do so. he is no longer compassionate or patient, and things the world owes him everything. I think he has told him family bad lies about me, because when I answer the phone it was his aunt, a psychologist and she was incredibly cold and angry sounding to me. he has told me everything I taught him (that he asked to be taught) he doesn't feel that it is right. which is a big slap because I do not teach just anyone. this makes me incredibly angry.
for the first time in my life I really want revenge, I want him to have absolute clarity of the situation and to realize the full extent of how much he hurt me and how he is acting and I want it to come to him in one big sucker punch that will leave him gasping for breath like no other awakening in his life ever has. Yes I know its not good to want revenge, but I want him clarity, and for everything he deserves (in the way the divinity sees right to award him good or bad).
btw, I know he has a right to leave, but it is horrible how he is supposed to be in a professional massage field and he doesn't want anyone to complain to him about pain. I think this is sad. He acts like money is his right, and doesn't appreciate what he has. He no longer takes responsibility for himself either. His actions have potential to hurt more then me, and it is the opposite of what he used to me.
But either way I don't want to be stressed anymore, I am tired and want to lay my head down now. I want a time of joy for the first time in my life for real. Healing without the incisions of surgery. I lay down and even when my thoughts are not consciously on this my heart races. I feel the pulse in my legs. I feel like I am gaining weight, but there is no real reason for it.
I have tried to be objective as possible. I don't want to run from the pain only to have it follow me, but I don't know what to do. Its not good for my heart to be like this, physical or emotionally. My family has a history of bad heart problems and I don't want this to hurt me like this.
Can anyone offer help, energy. something?
Thank you.