Dear friends at mysticwicks.

[vocis noctis]

Some of you may still know me from a long time back, others may have forgotten me, some have undoubtedly left this community and others have joined. About 6 months ago I left this board in quietness because of a big manic depression which resulted in some medication and lack of self-respect. I have lost faith in a lot of issues, especially on the spiritual course. Mostly because I have got a problem. And I'm coming here to discuss it. It's the first time I'm coming out, I haven't read a single post before writing this but this typed for 2 things: to get it out of my head for a bit and to see if it's a known problem. Here goes, I'm going to do my best to describe it as accurate as possible. I know you people can handle this sort of material. I've never forgotten you.

My name is Mark. I'm a Dutch male aged 17 years old. I am afraid for my life and for myself. I am afraid that some part of who I am is threatening me because I don't know how to use it. The ability to understand and feel those who are close to me. The ability to feel pain and negative feelings others hold so tight for themselves. Sometimes I feel like a missionaire, someone who has been put on this world to help others with their emotional pain and problems. It doesn't matter if it concerns parents, husbands or wives, girl or boyfriends or depression towards themselves; everything that has to do with an emotional course is like I know exactly how to handle it. It feels like a sixth sence. I'm having a good life. I grew up with good friends, a very good mother who I love o so dear and I've been seeing someone for 2 months on valentine's day who means the world to me. But the ability to look one in the eyes and know the emotion is tearing me apart bit by bit. At first I thought I could handle it: "Their problems are theirs, as long as I don't take them with me in my sleep I'll do fine!". Now I'm wondering what I actually bring with me when I sleep. Meditation doesn't work for me, I've tried that. I've tried relaxing but my mind never comes to a stop. I always keep on thinking. I'm totally not an imaginary thinker like most other people, I cannot imagine things. I hear things, just words in my mind, when I think or daydream they are just words, not images or like a 'movie' playing inside your head. It's a feeling that's been emphasised with words, or vice versa.
I've always been head of the class, without learning I score sevens, eights and nines at school (In Holland we work with a scaling system from 1 to 10 - 10 being the best score) - you'll notice there are little grammar-errors in this text (if there is one anyway), just because I'm used to thinking in stead of dreaming. I'm not a high-educated person but I think my mind works completely different from most people. Why? Because I've spoken with people and I've asked them if their mind works the same. Reactions differ from me but are the quite the same amongst them. Like for example the imaginative thinking process I know everyone knows except from me. I like to think how it would be to fantasize and drift away. But I can't. I've forgotten who I am. I don't know who I am because of all the lies I'm telling to myself so I won't be different from the people I know, yet I know, I am.
The reason for fearing for my own life is because I don't know if there are things I need to learn on a big scale. I've got this perception about the future everyone has a bit: to grow up happy with a good job and a sweet wife someday. But for some reason I have a strange feeling I'll die soon (soon being 15 years or less), because I fear my thinking process will take me to a part where I just want to end it all. I feel special and I don't want to feel special. I want to be one of the rest.

I don't expect any of you to believe me, but what I do hope is you will believe I believe this. It's the only thing I've got next to loosing myself in a black hole I won't be able to get out from. After reading this text it looks like something that isn't a big deal but it is, because I fear for what will happen. I've tried to get the best out of it but I can't.

Yours forever,

Mark.



P.S. is Rantnraven still around? He always knows how to make me feel..warm inside..

[Dagda Moon~Lily]

AS far as being able to feel other's feelings, that is called being Empathic, the ability to feel the feelings that other's have. I don't know much about how to handle this, other than trying to create an energy shield to reflect the effects. For more information about shielding, you might try posting in the Magic Forum. ;)

When your thoughts are keeping you up at night, try thinking of your favorite place and the things that may happen while you are there....keeping other people to a minimum in the process....until you can drift off to sleep.

Like I said, I don't know much about that particular ability. I do however believe you. I think my son *may* also have that ability, but I'm not sure yet. I wish you the best of luck on your journey of self discovery. :D

Rant hasn't been around since the beginning of January. I'm sure he's here and there. If you go to this page: http://www.mysticwicks.com/member.php?action=getinfo&userid=222

it has the option to "contact rantnraven" and you could send him an e-mail. :D

Always,

~D

[Amethyst Rose]

Dagda's right.....feeling others feelings means that your an Empath.... the fact that you feel negative feelings is only because those feelings always tend to be the strongest, because people can't ignore them....they hurt them, and make them uncomfortable and can't just push them aside.
That being said, I may be able to help a bit. I'm an empath -- it's especially strong, particularily with those I care about.... to the point of being able to read them over very long distances. It's strong with strangers too, but I, like you, tend to feel the negative with strangers a lot more.
When I first discovered why I felt the way I did in large groups (it was horrible in malls, or crowded streets.... I would get very angry and impatient, and feel so many different things, that I started avoiding groups), that I shielded myself. If you can visualize a reflective bubble surrounding you.... one that lets all those emotions just bounce right back to those sending them.... then that will block the energies. In my case, I "locked" it there. I always have my bubble, so I'm not feeling people against my will.
I can, however, exercise my gift (and I do consider it a gift) when dealing with clients, and need to judge the next step to take with them..... and it always feels SO GOOD to use my ability with a loved one.
With practice, an Empath can also heal those with emotional problems, by taking their negativity into themselves, or using themselves as a conduit. I've done this a few times, but it's very draining.
Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling.

Know this. You are who you are. There is no such thing as "normal", and we certianly couldn't define what normal is in this community! :D All of us are unique, because all of us have different gifts, even if they haven't been discovered yet. Take pride in who you are, and what you can do....only then can you grow and take steps to truely discover yourself.

[MistOfTheSea86]

Yep sounds like Empathy to me, Welcome to the club. It is a hard road, but the sun will always rise. "I told myself this many times when I first figured out" When I first started to feel it, I was so overwhelmed and like you went into a depression. It sucked... I had to learn to cope with it without a shield mind you... I just have learned one this past year actually. About the crown and wings of Isis, it's a wonderful little shield. I have also just visualized a shield and sword in front and back of me, and that works as a temporary solution. My friend, This feeling of Death will pass, I went through the SAME exact thing. It's the negative energy... All of it balls up and becomes something that CAN cause nightmares unwanted negative feelings, deception. It is time for a cleansing ritual... These emotions have probably been bottling up for a LONG while now so it's especially strong. I think someone can give you a good Cleansing Ritual:) No matter what though, do not, no matter how hard it tries, let the negative emotion take hold of you. Or it will keep spinning you down that same spiral of depression. Just visualize a shield(And this will take practice) Everyday and it should help tremendously. *hugs*

The sun will Always rise friend, The sun will always rise.

AR- I have heard of that technique you speak of. Taking anothers negative emotion and acting as a conduit. It is something rare that I only do as a last resort, because people usually have the strength to do it alone. But lately, I have been doing at least 3 times a week, I am very surprised that I Still function.... I dont think the person knows it, I just want to help, but all it seems to do is hurt me and not even help them... *Le sigh* Sometimes people just dont want to be helped I guess. It sucks... I am going to stop though. It all seems in vain. Welp, thats what i have to say:) hehe