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cydira
August 3rd, 2006, 12:46 PM
I'm currently working on a fanasy manuscript. I've been struggling with some elements of it. I have concluded that I should seek some thoughts from those about me for how to resolve them.

Y'all are part of that lucky group. That said: look for poems and snippets to review and comment upon. :)

cydira
August 3rd, 2006, 12:48 PM
The following is supposed to be a song sung by one of the characters to soothe another to sleep. I'm wondering if it's too heavy to use.

Green leaf and green bud are swelling
Sleep peaceful, sleep deep, safe in this dwelling
Night gently close thee round
Stars softly glow in hearth embers
Springtide’s blossom blooms great
Heady perfume dancing to thee across the lake
Gentle peace in thy heart and slumbers
Blessings grow and abound
Green leaf and green bud are swelling
Sleep peaceful, sleep deep, safe in this dwelling

Akeyla
August 4th, 2006, 02:51 PM
It may just be me, but I couldn't put those words to any tune in my head. If you look at common lullabies you'll find that the majority of them rhyme, if you can use nice soft words to rhyme, then you should get a nice soft rhythm that should work.

"Green leaf and buds are swelling
Sleep in peace, safe in this dwelling
Gently close thee round the Night
Stars softly share their glowing light
Springtide’s blossom fill the air
Slumbers scents so sweet and fair
Gentle peace in thy heart and dreams
Blessings grow and moonlight beams
Green leaf and buds are swelling
Sleep in peace, safe in this dwelling"


I dont' mean to re-write your song but something like this ^ might work better.

KiNoRonin
August 7th, 2006, 12:17 PM
Here is something that got emailled to me:

Beautifully stated:


As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.

You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.

You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend.

You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minuteof happiness you'll never get back.

So send this to all of your friends (and me) in the next 5 minutes and a miracle will happen tonight

Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

Matsumoto
August 7th, 2006, 03:22 PM
I'm writing a fantasy story in poem form myself so I can help out I just need to see what I'm helping with. Once you've written some of it send it to me and I can give you pointers.

SilverClaw
August 24th, 2006, 03:08 AM
Cool glad to know more people are doing this type of thing :)

ThoraoftheNord
August 24th, 2006, 08:22 PM
I agree with Akeyla concerning your song. You'll notice that most lullabyes have a long meteric feel and rhyme all the way through. The reason for this is pattern. Patterns are soothing to people, they induce trances, tranquility, and yes, sleepiness. It just needs more shape, more form. Even out the lines and decide on a rhyme scheme. I also could not put the words to a tune, though, as a composer I find it easier to come up with a tune first, then form the words around it, to enhance its ups and downs. So, if you're having trouble writing the song, I suggest humming to yourself. Make a little tune that's long and flowing, with little variance of register. Feel the mood of the humming and I'm sure it'll inspire some words for you. Good luck, it's a fun venture (tedious, yes, but fun).

I myself write fantasy novels. I started as a poet, and after writing a 36-page epic fantasy poem, turned to novels. Feel free to pm me if you need any help or want a critiquing eye. :D

SilverClaw
August 24th, 2006, 08:57 PM
KiNoRonin
Here is something that got emailled to me:

Beautifully stated:


As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.

You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.

You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend.

You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minuteof happiness you'll never get back.

So send this to all of your friends (and me) in the next 5 minutes and a miracle will happen tonight

Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin

Sorry to intterupt the thread but KiNoRonin, I do not see any credit to the person who wrote that piece, is there an author's name that can be added? Please keep in mind the copyright and fair use policy of MW . If you are not famliar with it please click on the link in my signature. Thanks.