I don't know what to do....

[ias]

I'm a regular member here but I'm not going to say who because someone else might see this. So I've made a different account.
I feel like I am going to explode and I don't know what to do or which way to go....I don't know up from down or anything.
I want to hurt myslef...I want to cry...scream...bleed.
I've been married for almost 8 years. He has been a good influence on my children and the only father they've ever known even though he is not their biological father. He works hard, always has. He took us out of the dumps.
We live alot well then we did before.
He is 25 years older than me. Over the last few years I've put on some weight which I am now working to get off.
Over the last few years I have caught him signed up to online dating sites and also found out he signed up for a MS account and put down he was single...even after all the talk from him about how he was against MS.
I asked him why he did this and he said he was bored in his marriage.
He has said a few things to me over the last few years that were pretty f'd up.
Things I'll never forget.
When we first got together he wanted a stay-at-home wife so I have not worked since 97 and have become a recluse...a SERIOUS recluse.
I have no friends my age...the two female friends I do have are his age but they are both of our friends. I do not go ut unless it's to run errands or go to the store. Once in a great while I go to the park with the kids.
I'm sure he has cheated on me and I have caught him in many lies.
I have tried so hard to fight this depression but I feel like I'm losing.
I am losing.
I've got to the point (at times) where I don't even want to send emails or talk on the phone.
My head is so damned clouded...
At times I want out-I want to leave but I feel like I can't because I have no job. I need to find work but that worries me too. I've become this...person who hates people. And he knows that. When I caught him in a lie once and I started getting mad he threatened to leave me and said I could have the house and everything.
All because I was getting mad over the phone.
I feel though too that I cannot leave him because I owe him a happy life because he's done so much for us.
Then I say I can't leave because I won't be able to afford to stay here, pay bils, etc and then I end up hating myself even more for being so shallow...I hate myself for being such a self-centered bitch.
I hate myself because I don't have the balls to get out and get a job...or because I let myself go a little and shouldn't have...or because I can't stand to even look at myself in the mirror and avoid them whenever I can.
I hate myself because I want out of this but don't know how or what to do first. Or because maybe I should stay in this because of the kids.
I don't know what to do..and every day it builds up more and more and I'm scared at times. I am too dependant on him and have been for a long time.
But I keep on putting on a happy face...

[Starlight*Rains]

Sending calming, confident, clarifying energies your way hun. :hugz: Leave this a$$hole before he pushes you further into the darkness. Been there. I am a survivor of abuse of many kinds and you can be too. I did it with 2 kids. I'm here if you need to talk. You can PM, e-mail or IM me whichever works best for you. STAY STRONG!!!!

[LadyWinter]

Okay deep breaths here......and yeah I can say that because you sound EXACTLY like me a year ago....

Let's see....
he's bored...yup sounds like my soon to be ex
you have gained weight...yup I went up to 300lbs at one time
online affairs....yup
real life affairs...yup
feeling like you owe him...yup
kids involved ....yup
hating people and becoming a recluse....yup I have been a member for years here and just now started posting...answers that question....

I am fairly new here and probably wont recognize you anyway but if you want to PM me I would be glad to listen.....I have been through it and it SUCKS!!!! and it hurts like a mother****er.......and it helps to talk.

[Xander67]

Bored! yeah that was what my sister's husband said to her,
afer 10 years of marriage...
I kinda saw it comming, I mean, he wasnt the family type... every time there was a family dinner or get together, he would either be on the computer or upstairs asleep...

after 10 years he told my sister he didnt want to be married...

things like these are why I fear relationships... I would not want to put any woman through what my sister went through... he embarrased her by how he was... I never said anything to my sister about how I thought of him because it was none of my buisness...

him being 25 years older than you is not really an issue to me... when two people love each other the numbers are just numbers...

before you do anything or make any type of decisions, I would suggest maybe going to marriage counciling... you have all those years of good behind you as a foundation...
the main thing is, you need to think of what is best for you and your kids..
you deserve to be happy, you dont have to settle for "Routine" and a non loving relationship for the sake of the kids... and dont let anyone tell you that you "Owe" it to him because of how he helped you out of the dumps... this is a manipulation tactic... You deserve to be happy and loved. and if you are not happy, the children will see it... and it will effect your relationship with the kids.
I hope everything works out...

[Cat]

Talk to a counselor, or at the very least call a counseling hotline. This is more than you can handle right now, and there's no shame in getting some help with it all.

Also, I think a talk with a lawyer would be a good thing. You might be surprised at some of your options.

[TaysatWesir]

calming, positive and strenght energy sent :hugz:

[Merrilyn]

Trust your heart and DO for YOURSELF. Stay strong, and find someone, anyone to talk to! There are plenty of us here who have been through things like this and can offer advice, knowledge, or just lend and ear or eye. I wish you the best, and I hope you realize your own strength!!

[tiger eyes]

You are a strong Beautiful woman who can overcome any obstical that is put in your way. You can do this I have faith in you. Stay strong and be true to you!! Sending much good energy your way!:hugz:
Most of all don't hurt yourself!!

[Magicfuzzies]

I agree with Xander67.

He's manipulating you.

He has you right where he wants you and he feels pretty comfortable doing what he wants regardless of your feelings.

Is this the kind of relationship you want for yourself?...for your kids? Monkey see, monkey do.

If this relationship was really that good and you want to work it out, fine. It would even make a good lesson for your kids in working things out instead of giving up. If not, know when to call it quits and as scary as it is, learn from this relationship and start a new life for yourself and your kids.

In its last few years, my parents had a very unhappy marriage and it pretty much destroyed both of them. My dad didn't survive. My mom did but it has been a long road back to her cantankerous old self. They both should have called it quits long before but they didn't and seeing them go through what they did has definitely had an impact on my relationship with my husband.

Take a step back, perhaps find someone you and the kids can stay with for a few days so you can regroup and have a little breathing space then decide what to do and have the courage to do it.

I wish you the best of luck and you deserve to be happy and please, if you start having more self-destructive thoughts, get some help. There are lots of places online and in the real world that can help. Don't feel ashamed or shy to reach out for help. There IS help. I wish my dad had reached out.

[GEBS]

the main thing is, you need to think of what is best for you and your kids..
you deserve to be happy, you dont have to settle for "Routine" and a non loving relationship for the sake of the kids... and dont let anyone tell you that you "Owe" it to him because of how he helped you out of the dumps... this is a manipulation tactic... You deserve to be happy and loved. and if you are not happy, the children will see it... and it will effect your relationship with the kids.
I hope everything works out...


I wish I had something more to add but Xander said exactly what I wanted to say.

:hugz: love and strength to you

[Kahlil the Heretic]

First of all, you don't owe him a thing. Those are your children, and it is your life; a life is never something that should be owed to anyone else. I don't understand the intracacies of your life, but from what I've heard you seem to have a very strong grasp of what should be done, it is just a matter of mustering the strength of will to do it.

I don't want to influence the decisions you make in your life, but I will say that if you aren't happy then it is up to you to make drastic changes. You're perfectly capable of taking care of yourself (anyone who has raised kids has to be by default!) and no one is going to make you happy but yourself. Chin up, it will work out. It is a matter of making a decision, however hard it may be. Keep us posted, and God bless.

If you don't mind me asking, do you have a degree? How old are your children, are they fairly independent? These are important factors when it comes to being independant.

[BlueEyedWolf]

:hugz: Oh, Sweetheart stay strong.. I know it is easier said than done. But, you can do it. He is only manipulating you into staying. Find a good lawyer talk to them about all your options. As the old saying goes " Theres more than one way to skin a cat." You do not have to be left destitute. There is alimony and so many other options to help you. And as far as YOUR Babies go, They will be better off without HIS influence. BUT, THEY NEED YOU!!! Be strong and learn from this once you get past the anger, hurt and betrayal. There is a wonderful outcome without him!!! Find your Faith and stay Strong in it. It will help guide you to your next step. The road will not be easy, but it will be worth it. There alot of people to talk to here. They give excellent advice and support. You stated that you have been a member for awhile so you know. Anyone here is willing to help you to stay strong and work all this out with you, for you and your kids. I have not been here long but have made a few posts about things going on. And all of you are helping me and my pack out with thoughts and encouragement. :hugz: :hugz:
Stay strong!

[lady draco]

:flamer: no affence chika,but u need to leave him....asap!! people like that should be shot!!!:achillpil but thats my opinion u have to make ur chose. but most importantly make that decision for ur kids,they ar the ones that need u. if ur not there...he is definiatly not going to be there.I mean if he's geting borad and threatning u..please do this for ur kids or something worse goes wrong and he starts hurting them.u dont need that in ur life. trust me. my mom went though the same things.except things turned out far more worse than anyone could belive.as much as u want to repay him for everthing ...... u already have if u leave.please the road is going to be more painfull if u stay. and dont put a grugde on ur self for the reasons he puts in ur face .......stay strong!! my the gods and goddesses help and blessed be_pounce_ _pounce_

[Philosophia]

:hugz: I can only reiterate and repeat what others have said. You need to leave him if he is manipulating you and putting you into a position you cannot handle. It can be classified as abuse if he continues doing this and you have to leave if he won't change.
:hugz: Sending calming, comforting, strong, positive and healing energy! _pounce_

[Pesha]

Sometimes yuo have to step baxck and take a long look at the reality of it all. And remember that You and yuor kids are the most important people in yuor world and do what ever it takes to see that You and the kids are happy and safe. A man who says and does what he did is not worth it.

Positive healing and strong protection energies are flowing to yuo.

[Old Witch]

I think I know who you are....Remember you are loved here...I know I count you as a beloved friend...PM me if you need to...
It's he that has the problem, not you. Don't you let him make you believe that it's your fault....You are worth 10 of him....
Love You,
OW

[BlueEyedWolf]

:wave: :hugz: Hello IAS how are you holding up? Well, we are hoping! Hang in there!:hugz: :hugz:

[ias]

I'm trying every day to keep myself together.
I know I need to make the change but it's the change that scares me...more then I care to admit.
This is all I've known for the past almost 8 years now.
I'm scared that I'm going to have some kind of nervous break-down.
I've been doing alot of walking trying to work things out in my head but everything keeps getting scrambled...I lose my train of thought.
But I thank you all for your replies and comfort...
Thank You
Very
Much!!!!:)

[Ancient Wisdom]

Energy has been sent hun :hugz:

[BlueEyedWolf]

:wave: I understand. It is very difficult to have the confidence and strength to strike out on your own. And I know this first hand it's not easy, but it can be done. It will be scary, but it will be alright in the end. Belive in yourself. You can Accomplish anything you set your mind to. Then, you will just continue to florish in your new found self.:hugz: :hugz: :hugz:

[Tzhebee]

Don't let him do this to you hun. You are a strong and beautiful woman! Even if you don't feel like it now, you ARE. Next time he threatens you with his petty little shit, call him on it. Say "FINE, leave me the ****ing house, get the hell out!"

You don't owe him SHIT! Nothing! EVER! He helped you in a time of need and you have MORE than repaid that man for anything he did. And if he's going to be such an ass to hold that over your head...**** him!

Dammit woman, don't let him use you anymore! You are the one giving him the power to hurt you. I know that hurts to hear but it's the truth. All you have to do is STOP being a punching bag. You owe yourself more than that. You owe your Children more than that!

You were once a strong independant woman who enjoyed her life and that what was around her. You can be again. I know it. I will help. :hugz:

[tigers_fire]

Don't let him do this to you hun. You are a strong and beautiful woman! Even if you don't feel like it now, you ARE. Next time he threatens you with his petty little shit, call him on it. Say "FINE, leave me the ****ing house, get the hell out!"

You don't owe him SHIT! Nothing! EVER! He helped you in a time of need and you have MORE than repaid that man for anything he did. And if he's going to be such an ass to hold that over your head...**** him!

Dammit woman, don't let him use you anymore! You are the one giving him the power to hurt you. I know that hurts to hear but it's the truth. All you have to do is STOP being a punching bag. You owe yourself more than that. You owe your Children more than that!

You were once a strong independant woman who enjoyed her life and that what was around her. You can be again. I know it. I will help. :hugz:

My thoughts exactley!! You owe yourself and your children! No one else. Stay strong. Sending energy and love!

[BlueEyedWolf]

:wave: How are ya doing?:wave:

[Carickah]

I cannot understand men who feel the need to be nasty to women. I've been through my own special kind of hell, and yeah, there are a few women I have been around who are pretty ****ed up, but I cannot understand a man saying and doing that kinda stuff. Especially to someone as beautiful as you. :hugz:

PM me if you need to, I would be happy to talk to you. I wish I could do more. remember who you are. :hugz: :hugz:


k

[SilverClaw]

At times I want out-I want to leave but I feel like I can't because I have no job
Uhm ya I thought that once to, but have you tried looking at resources that help women find work? Have you tried to do anything to make your situation better? I know I maybe sounding harsh but that is only because I was in your situation (similiar last year).



Or because maybe I should stay in this because of the kids. You know you have to face your fears sooner and I hope not later so your kids do not suffer. I made that mistake and hope you do not do that.

(And if your who I think you are then I am just going to say remember the reading I did for you not that long ago.;) It is time to stop running.) :hugz: