Zurtok
August 24th, 2006, 11:54 PM
The Gospel of St. Zurtok
This being an account of the vision given in the shower this morning of the beginings of the world/universe/thingy.
The characters portrayed in this story are completely ficticious, maybe.
And LO! There was laughter in the emptiness, and the laughter was full and throaty, until the Laugher's throat got dry and it turned into a fit of coughing.
And from the fit of coughing arose the almighty phlegm at the begining of the universe, and from the phlegm arose many things, yea, many things both The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. And behold, Clint Eastwood was at the begining of the universe, and shall be at the end.
The parched throat of the Laugher-Turned-Cougher brought forth a conciousness, and the conciousness created water and drank of the water, and the laughter began again in ernest.
As the laughter reverberated through the universe (the former emptiness that had been filled with The Sacred Phlegm), it hit the Phlegm, and the Phlegm began to form into things, for this Laughter was the Laughter of Creation. And somethings ate other things, and other things ate those things, and some things were without apparent purpose (such as the Platypus) and caused the Laugher to Laugh more!
And the Phlegm began to form into planets and the juicy bits became stars. And, Behold, the great Nostrils of the Laugher had begun to leak and the Snot of the Universe was shot out of the Nostrils. And yea, the Laugher was without a tissue and had to attempt to sniffle the snot back in. And lo, the many Nostrils of the Laugher-Cougher-Sniffler became black holes.
And as the Planets and Stars and Moons and Uranus began to form there were many stirrings of life on billions of planets. And from this life grew new forms of energy. And from these new forms of energy grew the Gods, in their many splendid forms.
But, the Gods were limited, and thus the Laugher-Cougher-Sniffler endowed them with it's power. And some Gods became Laughers, and others Coughers, and yet others Snifflers. Some gods were all 3, and some were only 2. But, all Gods were endowed with the three facets of that which was before that which is was!
The number of the Gods was quite a dispute, because the Laugher-Cougher-Sniffler had never really had to count, none of the Gods had been endowed with that particular ability.
Many of the Gods walked around the Universe Giggling, Coughing, and Sniffling. The Giggling Gods all got on quite well, and thus became one, and were thus endowed with that which brings about Creation.
The Coughing Gods were all quite aggrevated at each other for going on coughing, after all, that was their own shtich. And, and they disliked the Giggling God, for it the Cougher's figured the Laugher must be laughing at them! But, little did the Cougher's understand that while Laughter is which is the Catalyst, it is only the Coughers who may bring about the matter which is to be formed.
And, the Sniffling Gods never got around to doing much.
One facet of the Giggling God decided to name herself Eris, on a whim. The Coughing Gods (and yea, they were many!), all eeked out Planets for them selves, and told everyone else to stay away, but there being so few planets in relation to Gods, they had to share some (even if they didn't have to like it).
The Giggling God(s) though that the Coughing Gods were quite fun to play with, and slowly the Giggling God split into facets again (but always away that they were one in Laughter), and the facets all joined in the groups of the Coughing Gods.
No, we still don't know where the Snifflers went.
And, the aforementioned Eris came to Earth and found that one of the Coughing Gods had made things that were supposed in his own image (he was off a little, though, if they had been in his image, they would have had 3 Penis's a piece, 4 extra eyes in random places on their body, and their digestive tract would have randomly reversed, causing them to spew shit out of their mouth...well, I suppose he got the last one right at least).
Eris was delighted at this creation, and took a corporeal form and presented herself to the man, who called himself Jim-Bob the Almighty. She took Jim-bob by the hand and slowly taught him the secrets of the Giggling Gods, which weren't really secrets, but rather obvious. And, Jim-Bob learned the secrets of Giggling, and all was good.
That is until Eris decided that there was not enough Giggling happening, and thus split Jim-Bob into two pieces. One male, one female. And, Eris laughed at her creation, and from her laughter the Male and the Female were filled with the power of creation, and they swiftly began to create.
One day Eris came down and floated above a pond, as was occasional her way, as the breeze off the pond was cooling as it flew in her toga. Eris called the Male to attend her, and the Male answered, saying:
"Oh Eris, Giggling Goddess, how may I best attend thee?"
And Eris laughed and opened her Toga, and revealed her vagina to the Male, and behold she opened her Vagina until her Uterus was exposed (Goddess are EXTREMELY flexible). And from the Uterus of Eris burst forth thousands of animals, and the Male was delighted as Eris said to him:
"Behold, Male, I have brought forth animals. There are Sheep for Wool and Sodomy, and there are Giraffes for Laughter and Blow Jobs, and there are Platypi for the sheer joy that they bring the Universe, and there is the Scrid, just because, and there are many other animals for you to delight in."
"Oh, and go eat some fruit and contemplate your belly button."
The Male being so happy that he had to tell the Female and their Child ran to the Female and told her of the joyous news.
And the Female left the Child with the Male and contemplated her belly button in solitude. When suddenly loud noises burst from the sky and the Male ran to the Female with the Child, for all were much afeared of what the sound was.
And the Coughing God who had created Jim-Bob the Almighty came down to find his creation, and instead found these three beings, and his call rang out over the earth:
"Oh Jim-Bob who was to be first of my creation, where are you?"
And Eris came and showed herself to the Coughing God and said,
"Thou Cougher, in my Laughing revelry I have split Jim-Bob in two that more may be made with a minimum of effort. It's Economics dude, it's the new pink."
And the Cougher considered this, and decide that Eris was correct, but this Male, Female, and Child were laughing, and that must be put to a stop.
And thus the Cougher induced coughing among his creation, and as the Male, Female, and Child began to cough their laughter faded. But, as the Universe had come from Laughter, it could not be completely coughed out of them, for even the Coughing Gods have laughter, but until the invention of Cough Syrup could not use it.
Thus sayest the Saint!
This being an account of the vision given in the shower this morning of the beginings of the world/universe/thingy.
The characters portrayed in this story are completely ficticious, maybe.
And LO! There was laughter in the emptiness, and the laughter was full and throaty, until the Laugher's throat got dry and it turned into a fit of coughing.
And from the fit of coughing arose the almighty phlegm at the begining of the universe, and from the phlegm arose many things, yea, many things both The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. And behold, Clint Eastwood was at the begining of the universe, and shall be at the end.
The parched throat of the Laugher-Turned-Cougher brought forth a conciousness, and the conciousness created water and drank of the water, and the laughter began again in ernest.
As the laughter reverberated through the universe (the former emptiness that had been filled with The Sacred Phlegm), it hit the Phlegm, and the Phlegm began to form into things, for this Laughter was the Laughter of Creation. And somethings ate other things, and other things ate those things, and some things were without apparent purpose (such as the Platypus) and caused the Laugher to Laugh more!
And the Phlegm began to form into planets and the juicy bits became stars. And, Behold, the great Nostrils of the Laugher had begun to leak and the Snot of the Universe was shot out of the Nostrils. And yea, the Laugher was without a tissue and had to attempt to sniffle the snot back in. And lo, the many Nostrils of the Laugher-Cougher-Sniffler became black holes.
And as the Planets and Stars and Moons and Uranus began to form there were many stirrings of life on billions of planets. And from this life grew new forms of energy. And from these new forms of energy grew the Gods, in their many splendid forms.
But, the Gods were limited, and thus the Laugher-Cougher-Sniffler endowed them with it's power. And some Gods became Laughers, and others Coughers, and yet others Snifflers. Some gods were all 3, and some were only 2. But, all Gods were endowed with the three facets of that which was before that which is was!
The number of the Gods was quite a dispute, because the Laugher-Cougher-Sniffler had never really had to count, none of the Gods had been endowed with that particular ability.
Many of the Gods walked around the Universe Giggling, Coughing, and Sniffling. The Giggling Gods all got on quite well, and thus became one, and were thus endowed with that which brings about Creation.
The Coughing Gods were all quite aggrevated at each other for going on coughing, after all, that was their own shtich. And, and they disliked the Giggling God, for it the Cougher's figured the Laugher must be laughing at them! But, little did the Cougher's understand that while Laughter is which is the Catalyst, it is only the Coughers who may bring about the matter which is to be formed.
And, the Sniffling Gods never got around to doing much.
One facet of the Giggling God decided to name herself Eris, on a whim. The Coughing Gods (and yea, they were many!), all eeked out Planets for them selves, and told everyone else to stay away, but there being so few planets in relation to Gods, they had to share some (even if they didn't have to like it).
The Giggling God(s) though that the Coughing Gods were quite fun to play with, and slowly the Giggling God split into facets again (but always away that they were one in Laughter), and the facets all joined in the groups of the Coughing Gods.
No, we still don't know where the Snifflers went.
And, the aforementioned Eris came to Earth and found that one of the Coughing Gods had made things that were supposed in his own image (he was off a little, though, if they had been in his image, they would have had 3 Penis's a piece, 4 extra eyes in random places on their body, and their digestive tract would have randomly reversed, causing them to spew shit out of their mouth...well, I suppose he got the last one right at least).
Eris was delighted at this creation, and took a corporeal form and presented herself to the man, who called himself Jim-Bob the Almighty. She took Jim-bob by the hand and slowly taught him the secrets of the Giggling Gods, which weren't really secrets, but rather obvious. And, Jim-Bob learned the secrets of Giggling, and all was good.
That is until Eris decided that there was not enough Giggling happening, and thus split Jim-Bob into two pieces. One male, one female. And, Eris laughed at her creation, and from her laughter the Male and the Female were filled with the power of creation, and they swiftly began to create.
One day Eris came down and floated above a pond, as was occasional her way, as the breeze off the pond was cooling as it flew in her toga. Eris called the Male to attend her, and the Male answered, saying:
"Oh Eris, Giggling Goddess, how may I best attend thee?"
And Eris laughed and opened her Toga, and revealed her vagina to the Male, and behold she opened her Vagina until her Uterus was exposed (Goddess are EXTREMELY flexible). And from the Uterus of Eris burst forth thousands of animals, and the Male was delighted as Eris said to him:
"Behold, Male, I have brought forth animals. There are Sheep for Wool and Sodomy, and there are Giraffes for Laughter and Blow Jobs, and there are Platypi for the sheer joy that they bring the Universe, and there is the Scrid, just because, and there are many other animals for you to delight in."
"Oh, and go eat some fruit and contemplate your belly button."
The Male being so happy that he had to tell the Female and their Child ran to the Female and told her of the joyous news.
And the Female left the Child with the Male and contemplated her belly button in solitude. When suddenly loud noises burst from the sky and the Male ran to the Female with the Child, for all were much afeared of what the sound was.
And the Coughing God who had created Jim-Bob the Almighty came down to find his creation, and instead found these three beings, and his call rang out over the earth:
"Oh Jim-Bob who was to be first of my creation, where are you?"
And Eris came and showed herself to the Coughing God and said,
"Thou Cougher, in my Laughing revelry I have split Jim-Bob in two that more may be made with a minimum of effort. It's Economics dude, it's the new pink."
And the Cougher considered this, and decide that Eris was correct, but this Male, Female, and Child were laughing, and that must be put to a stop.
And thus the Cougher induced coughing among his creation, and as the Male, Female, and Child began to cough their laughter faded. But, as the Universe had come from Laughter, it could not be completely coughed out of them, for even the Coughing Gods have laughter, but until the invention of Cough Syrup could not use it.
Thus sayest the Saint!