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View Full Version : The Gospel of St. Zurtok Pt 4



Zurtok
August 28th, 2006, 04:14 AM
A vision, just because.

And Yea! The spirit of Eris did come down upon the Prophet he who was known as Ali-Bobby-Julie-Paco, and did show him the myriad of secrets of the universe, and the billion Obvious Secrets that had been lost during the great Gray-Face revolution.

And the secrets that were given were many, and were few, and were somewhere in between. For, Gods are not known for their ability to count.

The secrets given unto his Holiness the Prophet Ali-Bobby-Julie-Paco were as follows, in their holeness, and completitude:

ďThou shalt never do something thou does not wish to do, unless you wish to do it. For there are many stories of people being unhappy, and thou does not have to be happy.

For that reason I shall stop saying thou.

You should probably breathe occasionally, brain damage is undesirable in oneís adherents.

Which brings up another point, I donít really want any adherents, I want other people to blame things on.

I believe that passing the blame is something like cutting the cheese. Everyone knows youíre going to do it, but no one wants to be downwind.

Never stand on the downwind side of a horse, unless youíre Catherine the Great, and you know what that means.

You should probably prep for landing, with your tray tables in their full upright position. Unless youíre in a parachute, in which case the best thing to do is not die, unless you think you might like death. But, Iím not allowed to tell.

I also recommend breaking the rules. So, death is like this: SPLAT. OH MY, WHAT IS THAT THING? EAT AT JOES. OH, IS GOD JOE? NO, GOD IS GOD. REALLY? CAN I HAVE A HAMBURGER? NO, THIS IS HEAVEN DAMMIT, WE DONíT HAVE NO STINKING HAMBURGERS!

Not that Iím sure about that, Iíve never died, you know. The Laughter never dies, sometimes it just turns into coughing, and then you get things like things, and thatís never a good recipe for an orderly universe.

Which is why Iím here after all, I never did like an orderly universe, Iíve always preferred to have things Unordered. 1, 3, 69. And all that.

Though, I should recommend at this point that being Sure is never good for your health. But, if youíre sure you can fly, please go jump off something high. Really.

I do rather like animals, no not like that pervert! I think theyíre furry and cute, but I wouldnít want any in my house. I may be Chaos, but Iíve never been a big fan of dog fur. It gets everywhere, and thereís nothing like allergies when youíre trying to quietly roll a nice golden apple into a wedding.

Which is probably why Iíve never had a horse child like Loki. Horse sex is strange. Ask Catherine the Great.

On that subject, I will admit to being the one who spread that rumor. It was my fault that Catherine got defamed with the whole horse incident. You see, it was actually supposed to be a sheep, but the sheep ran off with Little Bo Beep, and we had to substitute, but the harness couldnít hold it.

I would put a harness on that thing if you canít keep it in your pants, sir! I may be hot, but thatís just the menopause.

Menopause is a very strange experience when youíre eternal. Iím not sure if I like it yet, sort of like anal sex.

Anal sex was always quite good with Pan, but I have to say that the best sex I ever had was with an Elephant. Much better then horse sex.

Oh, and Shakespeare is quite wounded that some people donít think he wrote all that shit you attribute to him, he IS after all still around, he simply forgot where he lived, and the Germanís never had the same feeling for plays that the English had.

Not that the English actually have any taste.

Ohh, I should get around to giving some prophecies, you seem to be getting impatient. But, so would I if I had to listen to me.

There will be things, and there will be things that arenít things, but will look like things. I do rather like kumquats, but not altars.

And, lastly I recommend a good colon cleaning if youíre feeling stressed.Ē

And then the Prophet Ali-Bobby-Julie-Paco awoke from his vision, and was quite annoyed. He had been in the desert eating only bread made from the pubic hair of Vishnu, and drinking only the urine of the cleanest whore.

After contemplating his predicament for awhile Ali-Bobby-Julie-Paco decided that this message was unsuitable for publication, after all, who wants to read the drunken ramblings of a stoned Goddess? But, ABJP thought, I must come back with something.

And there ABJP began to learn to play the guitar. And all was good, until he returned to the city to find that the Guitar did not yet exist, so he settled for a mrimba and joined a rock-and-band.

And there he played for many years, until the Goddess returned to him one night right before an LSD trip and spake thus:

ďYou have not forgotten what I have said, and yet you do not speak it! I am very angry right now, young man!

To show my anger, I will teach you to dance.

Just like this.Ē

And Eris began to dance infront of ABJP for many hours, and he was mesmerized by the sight of the Goddessís body moving in such strange patterns.

And then the beasts and demons rose up from the underworld and began to eat at Eris bit by bit. And in her screaming in pain was still a hint of laughter.

ABJP stood and attempted to save his Goddess from the beast, but to no avail.

And as suddenly as it started, it stopped, and the Goddess spoke again:

ďYou have failed to spread the Laughter and the Chaos, yet you would save me from these illusionary beasts?

How confused are you, you dumb ****?

The beasts of sadness, and ignorance run rampant, and you do nothing!

The Sheeple and Cabbages around you are turned into strange Scottish delights around you, and you raise no hand, though you have been given that power!

You would probably make a good Subgenius.Ē

And thus was the Prophet Ali-Bobby-Julie-Paco illuminated, and began to spread the sacred slack and the sacred bull in ernest.

So Sayeth the Saint!

eldora_avalon
August 28th, 2006, 10:51 PM
At least there wasn't any phlegm this time :cheers:

Jenne
August 28th, 2006, 10:57 PM
My fave quote:


NO, THIS IS HEAVEN DAMMIT, WE DONíT HAVE NO STINKING HAMBURGERS!


:lol: That's a good one!

Excellently done! :mittens: :cheers: