terrified

[Zhr Morgana]

I suppose that could be the right word for it...

For those of you who remember what happened with me about a year ago and my previous experiences before that, I have not had the best time looking for love. I have been hurt, used, lied to, cheated on, even raped by men who I loved. After being single for almost a year, I finally found a chance to hook up with someone new that I'd met on MySpace. Sure, it was another long distance relationship, but I felt up to the challenge again.

He turned out to be a great guy...he's quiet, sweet, and very patient with this crazy and neurotic gal. I feel very comfortable with him and he made me feel genuinely beautiful the entire time I was there, rather than lusted after like a juicy piece of steak.

So what is the problem?

I am TERRIFIED at the idea of falling in love again _inabox_

I can already feel the emotions starting to roll...I am noticing the sunrises and the rainbows and everything that is sappy and romantic in between. I look forward to coming home after work everyday, turning on the Messenger program and chatting with him.

The first time we started being affectionate...it was like I'd forgotten everything- how to hold a man, how to touch him, kiss him...everything...like I'd turned into a cold fish. I felt so bad because I wanted to do something other than just lie there frozen like a deer in headlights. Hell, I would've been turned off by me...but he understood and was fine with it.

Anyways...I guess I'm freaking out because once I finally reach that point in my life where I realize that I CAN live without love...someone comes along who throws my singledom kick completely out of whack, and seems like he really is in it for the long haul. I know it's hard to believe when I haven't known him long at all...but with him, spending three days was like spending three months. If you look at the 2 "couple" pictures we took on the day I left...you can't tell that we'd only just met. Even my mom said that it looked like we'd been together 6 months...and not sounding very happy about it.

I've been trying to set aside my fears...push myself to get a little closer. I try to remind myself that he is NOT like my exes...that maybe this is the start of something great. But you know what they say about "once bitten, twice shy"...well I've been bitten more than once and the scars still show. But I am doing my best to stand my ground and not get too skittish.

So any advice on what to do would be nice...some common sense, maybe a swift kick in the ass...anything. I'd deeply appreciate it.

[SilverClaw]

Even my mom said that it looked like we'd been together 6 months...and not sounding very happy about it.
I say forget your parents and just be happy for once.

And I say take one step at a time ok...


The first time we started being affectionate...it was like I'd forgotten everything- how to hold a man, how to touch him, kiss him...everything...like Oh i know how that feels :) :hugz:


I've been trying to set aside my fears...push myself to get a little closer. I try to remind myself that he is NOT like my exes...that maybe this is the start of something greatgood to hear and gah as you know fears is something that I can also relate to :hugz:

[Zhr Morgana]

sure thing, hon...and thanks :hugz:

[Zhr Morgana]

I guess I have a split personality when it comes to this...one side of me is fearless, and wants to go the distance to be happy even if she winds up flying by the seat of her pants most of the time. The other side wants to love and be loved...but she feels all the old wounds of the past and so is peeking her head out from the shadowy corner where she's hidden for quite some time.

Does that make any sense?

I am moving forward, but dragging the frightened part of me along as she is clawing the ground with her fingernails.

He has assured me that he isn't going anywhere...in fact he's more concerned with his own insecurities chasing me away rather than vice versa, but as of yet I haven't seen much on his side. He knows about the things I have done wrong in past relationships...he knows that I have strayed before and other things too. He also knows the stories behind those. He wants me to be open and honest with him, and wants me to feel comfortable and safe around him. He is the same with me.

I guess I am more scared at the prospect of things working out and turning into love...rather than the idea of just dating. I don't know. I will be seeing him tomorrow. I miss him terribly and wish that I could just abandon work and go up there.

Help.

[SilverClaw]

:hugz: talk to you more later about it and keep smiling ok :D

[Kahlil the Heretic]

It is really quite simple...nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Don't let your negative past experiences keep you from something potentially good. At the same time, learn from the mistakes of the past. You're on high alert from getting hurt again, and that is not only very smart, but natural. Keep in mind, however, that you are alert for the wrong reason...don't be careful of being hurt because you're in love, be careful of being hurt when the guys starts becoming a shit head. Don't associate the pain with the love, associate the pain with the individuals who played with your emotions.

If you let your old lovers keep your from experiencing love again, then they are still hurting you even today. Let go and be free. Fear profits a person nothing. Be concerned and mindful, never afraid.

[SSanf]

Slow down! Slow way down!

When you are afriad, that is your mind trying to tell you something.

[Kahlil the Heretic]

"Isn't a certain amount of fear just healthy self-protection? If I didn't have a fear of fire, I might put my hand in it and get burned."

The response...

"The reason why you don't put your hand in the fire is not because of fear, it's because you know that you'll get burned. You don't need fear to avoid unnecessary danger - just a minimum of intelligence and common sense. For such practical matters, it is useful to apply the lessons learned in the past. Now if someone threatened you with fire or with physical violence, you might experience something like fear. This is an instinctive shrinking back from danger, but not the psychological condition of fear that we are talking about here. The psychological condition of fear is divorced from any concrete and true immediate danger. It comes in many forms: unease, worry, anxiety, nervousness, tension, dread, phobia, and so on. This kind of psychological fear is always of something that might happen, not of something that is happening now. You are in the here and now, while your mind is in the future. This creates an anxiety gap."

---Eckhart Tolle, "The Power of Now"


Be afraid when a pitbull is chasing you. In psychological situations all you need is reason.

[Katss]

I would have to think your not ready.. when your ready to embrace something you will.. but first your "brain and heart" need to sort out themselves.. I always try to follow my instinct.. and if there is something telling you to slow down.. I think you should listen to that.. too many times I have ignored the quiet little voice ;)

[Zhr Morgana]

In a sense I am waiting until I am ready to take whatever the next step is in any given situation, except I'm not so sure if my mind and my heart work at the same speed as other people do. I guess I do things a little faster than most in some things, and slower in others.

I keep telling myself that there is no need for me to be so gunshy over this...obviously this new man is nothing like my exes and I get a very good feeling from him.

Anyways I'll be going to see him tomorrow and I'll be spending the entire weekend there...I'll keep you posted on how things progress. Thanks for the kind words...keep 'em coming.

[sybba_leigh]

oh plz. at least you have someone. i haven't had a real bf in over 2 yrs.

[SilverClaw]

Hey ZHR have fun and talk to you when you get back :wave: And do not forget I want pictures :lol:

[Kahlil the Heretic]

That isn't very supportive sybba.

[SilverClaw]

That isn't very supportive sybba gee and hear I was trying to bite my tongue and not respond :D

[sybba_leigh]

i don't care. she's all in love and crap and has a really decent guy. she really has nothing to complain about. other people would kill to be in her position.

[SilverClaw]

Uh ya know stop it, you have no clue about her past so do not ruin her thread Sybba.

[sybba_leigh]

her past has absolutely nothing to do with the man she's seeing now. this love is something new and she's just gonna mess it up if she keeps harping on the past.

[Bluewillow]

I really don't mean to be rude Sybba, but she's obviously dealt with a hell of a lot in her past in regards to relationships and former partners. Things like what she has been through will make it difficult to trust her present partner. It's understandable that she would feel fear after going through what she has in the past. Yes, she seems to have found a really great guy, and things are going well, and that is awesome. But you cannot lay fault on her for worrying that it might not turn out well. Granted, dwelling on what happened in the past isn't good and it will not benefit anything, but it's an understandable response. You can't lay blame when you are not in her shoes.

[SilverClaw]

OP: sybba_leigh
her past has absolutely nothing to do with the man she's seeing now. this love is something new and she's just gonna mess it up if she keeps harping on the past.

I disagree with you the things that happend to her over the past three years do affect the present. She is trying to let go of her past and let the new beginnings take place. But with that alot of insecurites that need to be dealt with, and that is why she started this thread, in the fourm that is meant for such things.


OP: sybba_leigh
she's just gonna mess it up if she keeps harping on the past Yes that could happen. But then again you have no clue about thier relationship and how he is handling it either.

[sybba_leigh]

if she can't handle being in a relationship right now then she shouldn't be in one. nobody's forcing her to date a guy who's "terrofying" her.

[Bluewillow]

I disagree with you the things that happend to her over the past three years do affect the present. She is trying to let go of her past and let the new beginnings take place. But with that alot of insecurites that need to be dealt with, and that is why she started this thread, in the fourm that is meant for such things.

Yes that could happen. But thena gain you have no clue about thier relationship and how he is handling it either.

What I meant by that was that the things that happened before might make her feel a little afraid of falling in love now, not that they should, but that it would be an understandable response if they were. I don't know her, so I am only going off what I read in her first post. It's difficult to let go of things like that, and I absolutely applaud her for her efforts.

I wasn't trying to cap on her at all. I just felt that Sybba was being unfair. No offense meant, okay?

[SilverClaw]

And no one asked for you rudeness either Sybba. I am not arguing about this anymore either.

[sybba_leigh]

y am i the only one who feels that she should spend more time dealing with the past and being single if she's this afraid of new love?

[Bluewillow]

I don't think I was being rude at all. I was ONLY saying that what happened before (what I read in her post) might make her feel afraid of entering a new relationship. I wasn't being rude at all. I wasn't judging her at all. *hugs*

[SilverClaw]

Bluewillow if you go back you will see it was not you that post was directed to :)

[sybba_leigh]

i'm aloud to say whatever i want on an open forum. i'm aloud to disagree with people. i'm aloud to be harsh cuz god knows you and all your little friends do the same on my threads.

[SilverClaw]

Ok sybba your full of it I have supported you in alot of your thread and that is enough.

And well until she returns I am not bothering responding any more.

[Bluewillow]

Bluewillow if you go back you will see it was not you that post was directed to :)


I apologize. I was reading your last post very quickly, and didn't see that you were referring to Sybba. Sorry about that!

[SilverClaw]

No problem Bluewillow

[sybba_leigh]

i don't actually remember you supporting me. i remember you being mean on numerous occasions. k thx bye.

[Kaylara]

i'm aloud to say whatever i want on an open forum. i'm aloud to disagree with people. i'm aloud to be harsh cuz god knows you and all your little friends do the same on my threads.

*Administrator Mode*
Actually, you can't say whatever you want here, as it's a privately owned website. There are plenty of things that you cannot say here. However, you are allowed to disagree with anyone you want. And you can be vehement, but harsh crosses the line into disrespect.

[maphdet]

*Administrator Mode*
Actually, you can't say whatever you want here, as it's a privately owned website. There are plenty of things that you cannot say here. However, you are allowed to disagree with anyone you want. And you can be vehement, but harsh crosses the line into disrespect.




Who determines what is harsh?
Is it combined between the admins, mods, and site owner?


btw is there a link to show who the mods are and who the admins are?

[SilverClaw]

maphdet one place to look for who the admins are in the bottom right hand corner of each forum.

[maphdet]

maphdet one place to look for who the admins are in the bottom right hand corner of each forum.

Thanks Hymnia.
Is there a place where the admins are listed?


If anyone could answer this too please.

Who determines what is harsh?
Is it combined between the admins, mods, and site owner?

[SilverClaw]

That is the list of admins as well, except the new ones name has not been added.

[Zhr Morgana]

Wow. What responses...and what drama :gagged:

Sybba: While other people have jumped down your throat for speaking your mind, I do understand where you're coming from because I have been there. I have been upset when the rest of my other friends have been happy and in love when I was miserable and alone (or miserable and in a relationship). Until I met this guy, I wasn't sure if I would ever date again because of how screwed up my trust issues have gotten because of the men I have been with before. I have been proven wrong, and thank goodness for that. As for my being "terrified" (NOT by him, I might add) and dealing with my past...I have already clarified my stance on that in my initial posts and I will not explain myself again. If you don't know me, then you certainly do not know about my life or the people who have touched it...so I would appreciate it if nobody took it upon themselves to tell me whether or not I should spend more time getting over it. I am asking for support and friendship from you guys here at MW, not criticism (unless you are knowledgeable enough to be in the position to criticize...right, Hymnia? :)).

Also, just for your information Sybba...the longer you are envious of other people's love lives and try to bring them down for having something that you don't, that will only keep you from being happy yourself. Let go of your misery and try to open your heart to what can be, and it will happen. If you choose to be unhappy, then you will remain so until you decide you want better for yourself. Trust me, I know ;) just be patient sweetie.

OKAY...I'm done with that :)

The weekend went great...he has definitely proved himself to be one who can be trusted and who I can feel safe with. We have opened up to each other considerably and I wouldn't change a thing about what we have done so far and in the pace that we've done it (minds out of the gutter, people).

I am still fearful about things a little...but a lot of it has been quelled. I am still worrying that in the future I might do something to screw it up...I have been known to destroy my own happiness at times but I am determined not to let anything get to me like they have in the past. I am also a little worried that after time goes by, that the distance between us might take a toll on our relationship. He knows my insecurities and my fears and he has done a great job of easing the majority of them so far.

As to the weekend...he took me out to dinner Friday night to this cute little family restaurant, Saturday afternoon we went grocery shopping for lunch and dinner, then had a picnic in the park...we spent a good amount of time just lying in the grass and staring up at the big oak trees around us...rented 3 movies from the video store that night..."Matchstick Men", "The Maltese Falcon" and "Bubba Ho-Tep"...we watched those last night and this morning...I cooked dinner Saturday night (cheese tortellini with homemade pesto, homegrown tomato wedges on the side and also sliced bread...yum) and also made breakfast this morning (bacon and eggs)...I burned the bacon as usual but it still turned out great. In between all that there was lots of amazing sex, a couple of massages and deep conversations. Once again I wish that I didn't have to leave. I miss him very much.

We're getting comfortable with each other, one step at a time. This time we were so much more at ease and just wanted to hold each other all the time. I'm hoping that it stays this way.

[SilverClaw]

I missed ya Glad your back !! It sure does sound like you had fun, and it is nice to hear you so much chipper and happier for a change :D _pounce_ And thank you for being an inspiration again for you :boquet: :fpartyfav :abanana:

[Kahlil the Heretic]

Good to hear you're doing better. Remember, no fear girl. Learn from the past and live life like there's no tomorrow.

[Zhr Morgana]

Good to hear you're doing better. Remember, no fear girl. Learn from the past and live life like there's no tomorrow.
Thanks Kahlil...I'm taking it one step at a time and feeling good about everything so far. I just wish I knew what to call these feelings I have right now...I don't know if it's love just yet...but I feel really comfortable and safe with him, like where he's at is where I belong...and I am not freaked out when I'm by myself either, like I was when I was with my last ex, who was another long distance relationship. I do miss him, but I am content instead of feeling insecure.

One thing that I have finally figured out while I was single is that I CAN live without being in a relationship, and I know that I am just fine without a man in my life. It seems like not long after I realized this, that this man came into my life. I suppose that happens a lot, eh? :weirdsmil

[SilverClaw]

One thing that I have finally figured out ]while I was single is that I CAN live without being in a relationship, and I know that I am just fine without a man in my life. It seems like not long after I realized this, that this man came into my life. I suppose that happens a lot, eh? :weirdsmil Oh wow * drops off of chair* I did not think I would ever hear you say that :gagged: :lol: :fpoke:
And that probably happened because you finally learned the lesson you needed to learn at this point in your life :D Which I am glad to say I am really happy about :D

[Zhr Morgana]

LOL I'm very happy about it too!

[SilverClaw]

And gee if there is hope for you, I guess there is hope for me ?? :D

[Zhr Morgana]

And gee if there is hope for you, I guess there is hope for me ?? :D
Always :D

[SilverClaw]

Always :D OK I am holding you to that :lol:

[Kahlil the Heretic]

No person can complete you but yourself.

[SilverClaw]

No person can complete you but yourself.
that is true you need to be happy with who you are first and I am trying to learn that and out it into practice.

[Zhr Morgana]

No person can complete you but yourself.

Yes that is very true...I learned that very recently that I am a whole person, and don't need someone else in order to be "complete".

[Zhr Morgana]

Well I made it through my first weekend without seeing him...I feel lonely and somewhat grasping but otherwise I'm alright. We talked on the phone quite a bit (I hate to see the long distance bill this month LOL) so thats okay. There was also plenty to keep me occupied most of the time...new books to read, friends to see, my Mom's bday was today, etc etc.

I tried to channel my thoughts into writing poetry but nothing came out, as usual. I'm not sure how to fix that.

It really helped me to talk about it to some of my girl friends who are actually going through similar things...we gave each other advice, and I think we helped support each other a little bit. Without them, I'm sure the conspiracy theories would've started to fly and I'd be in much worse shape now.