What would you do?

[Laiste]

If your friend was mistreating her baby what would you do? How would you approach the situation?

Ok this is NOT one of those differing parenting issues this is a case of a young, single, unhappy mom who is struggling with her young child. I have seen parents loose it and yell at their older children (you know the children who are actually old enough to know what's expected of them) when they don't listen or misbehave...but I have never seen a parent yell at an 11 month old baby!!! She was yelling at him because he was crying and would not go to sleep. She gets extremely frustrated with the baby over every little thing The baby was in a strange home and around people he doesn't see to often. This happened several times over the course of the weekend and I just finally flipped out and told my friend what I thought about how she was acting. We talked for hours about the situation but I don't know how much of what I said has sunk into her. I don't feel comfortable with this situation at all and I'm not sure what to do next if anything. I mean do I sit back and wait and hope things blow over or what! I am not even in close proximity to her where I could just pop by and see how things are! I would just add that they baby seems content and happy. Your opinions and similar stories are greatly appreciated. Thanks

[flar7]

I would post this in pagan family. Also see if she can get some
help. Any kind, babysitter, friend, hotline..etc.

[Euphoria]

i agree with flar ... she could just need help e.g babysitter etc

[Xander67]

:( Stress sucks!

but she shouldnt take it out on the BABY

baby's cry cause they want attention, (FOOD DIAPER CHANGE or just to be held)

yes< I agree with Flar also, a friend or a babysiter would be nice

she does need some time for herself...and mabey she should also think about meditating or some ways she can deal with her frustration other then YELLING!!!

I will keepp her in my thoughts

[Nina]

...could be post-natal depression. We can all sit here in judgement, but she may be seriously ill. I had a friend who attempted suicide, because she thought she might hurt her baby - with the right treatment, and a lot of support, she is now a brilliant mother to a 4 year old daughter.

[Euphoria]

thats a very good point and a very good idea

[Myst]

Yup. Maybe offer to babysit and have her see a doctor. Children's aid won't do anything if you call them. Maybe just be there to talk and help her get out of the house and get a babysitter, and bring up the idea of postnatal depression.

[Naillosotarrain]

Excellent suggestions from the board here also you may want to see if she feels like she has no clue what she is doing a feeling of helplessness is common with new mothers and a parenting class could help give her more direction


* This is Yvonne I forgot to change the sign in over and don't feel like doing it right now guess I will have to put this disclaimer in anything I post.

[flar7]

Originally posted by Naillosotarrain
Excellent suggestions from the board here also you may want to see if she feels like she has no clue what she is doing a feeling of helplessness is common with new mothers and a parenting class could help give her more direction
also a VERY good idea!;)

[Twilight Garden]

I agree with everyone in one way or another. I just want to mention that someone (whether that's you or you find someone else to do so) needs to step in and address the issue for the sake of the child. As my (ha) wise old mom (ha) used to say... If they are willing to treat the child that way in public, imagine what could be going on behind closed doors. ;) (That's not meant to be a harsh judgement. She could just be feeling overwhelmed and there's nothing wrong with that... IF you seek help.)

[Drisel]

While I agree that a parenting class could prove to be very helpful you might want to proceed slowly on that suggestion and ease her into it. At one point I was a new "single" mom and just so you know if she is suffering from any form of post natal depression she could very well take offence to a conversation that began " I think you might find a parenting class helpful".

One of the things new moms who are depressed often feel is an overwhelming sense of failure. This may be all too true especially if the baby is not yet sleeping through the night and she is lacking in sufficient sleep. The best thing to do is to offer to babysit whie she goes to the doctor to talk about the problems she is facing. If she is having problems getting to see a doctor there should be a public health nurse she can make an appointment with. These people can often give referals to community help programs that will assist her in not just learning to take care of a small child but also in the everyday mundane things like dishes and laundry. It is very tiring to try to do it all by yourself with no hope of a break in sight.

Something else to consider is that she is young. She may be longing for that time not so long ago that she could go out at the drop of a hat. Single parenting is a really isolating experience. The best way to help her through this transition is to still be her friend. This may seem like the obvious answer but you would be surprised how quickly "friends" seem to drift away when you are no longer the life of the party or always up for a good time.

Good luck to you and her. It's nice to see how much you care. :)

[Twilight Garden]

Originally posted by Drisel
While I agree that a parenting class could prove to be very helpful you might want to proceed slowly on that suggestion and ease her into it. At one point I was a new "single" mom and just so you know if she is suffering from any form of post natal depression she could very well take offence to a conversation that began " I think you might find a parenting class helpful".

One of the things new moms who are depressed often feel is an overwhelming sense of failure. This may be all too true especially if the baby is not yet sleeping through the night and she is lacking in sufficient sleep. The best thing to do is to offer to babysit whie she goes to the doctor to talk about the problems she is facing. If she is having problems getting to see a doctor there should be a public health nurse she can make an appointment with. These people can often give referals to community help programs that will assist her in not just learning to take care of a small child but also in the everyday mundane things like dishes and laundry. It is very tiring to try to do it all by yourself with no hope of a break in sight.

Something else to consider is that she is young. She may be longing for that time not so long ago that she could go out at the drop of a hat. Single parenting is a really isolating experience. The best way to help her through this transition is to still be her friend. This may seem like the obvious answer but you would be surprised how quickly "friends" seem to drift away when you are no longer the life of the party or always up for a good time.

Good luck to you and her. It's nice to see how much you care. :) I just wanted what Drisel said to be repeated. :)

[Laiste]

Thank you all for your suggestions. I have suggested many of these things to her and she has not done any of them. She does not leave the house unless she has to go to the store. I gave her some books on parenting and also paid for subscriptions to baby/parenting magazines. She IS clinically depressed and was before the baby was born. She stopped taking her medication because she "was getting too fat"! I know this is a big part of the problem. Not to be mean or anything but this girl is very lazy! I know that this could be the depression too! There are a few other things I would like to add about the situation...she feeds the baby the same bottle all night long because she does not want to get out of bed. I spent 15 minutes cleaning a very rotten and smelly bottle out!! She came here for the weekend and only brought formula and cereal for the baby...no fruit or veggies and when she did try to feed him whole foods, like pasta, she gave up trying to feed him in less than two minutes!! She yelled at him for this too! The area that she lives in in very convienent as far as transportation to the FREE programs that are available to new parents! I have called up and found out about these programs and suggested them to her...telling her I did the same when I was a new parent and how helpful I found them. She told me she doesn't need some #$@^% to tell her how to raise her son! I am feeling like the situation is somewhat hopeless! I have offered to babysit for her..although I live over an hour away...but she said no! She doesn't want to leave her baby with anyone!

[flar7]

now that paints a more serious picture. Child services of some
sort should be notified in my opinion. They wont just take the
baby away, they will monitor the situation and the health of the
baby.

[Laiste]

Originally posted by flar7
now that paints a more serious picture. Child services of some
sort should be notified in my opinion. They wont just take the
baby away, they will monitor the situation and the health of the
baby.


Just to let everyone know...I did not intentionally leave out the other info I was tired when I posted so I figured I better make the situation more clear!

She used to have a visiting nurse come and help her with the baby...how this came about I am not sure...how it stopped I don't know either!

Perhaps I can convince her to have that started up again! Grasping at staws here in a big way!

[Drisel]

Okay so the situation is alot more serious than it came accross in your first post. The lazziness factor has alot to do with the depression. If she was taking meds then her doctor should have been monitoring her more closely.
I know it can be frustrating to be trying all of the things you know will help her and she doesn't seem to be responding to anything. If you truly want to help her keep trying. This is not to say that you should just keep doing everything for her. After reading your second post about this situation I think it is time you got ahold of someone at social services and talked to them about having someone come in and monitor her. If it was just her then it wouldn't be such a big deal but we are talking about a small child who depends on her totally.
Another thing I was wondering about is if she has any kind of social safety net. Is she still in contact with her parrents and would they be willing to step in and help?

I wish I could help you more. :heartthro