Kaylara
February 10th, 2001, 12:41 AM
-- Posted by eaglewolf on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Here is a new topic for everyone to consider.
What is a Pagan related joke you have heard, read or thought of yourself?
Please keep it clean!
And remember, this is for fun. No one is allowed to take it personally!! That's right, I said ALLOWED...
~ew
-- Posted by eaglewolf on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Guess I should post some humor too...
I have answers for many traditions and will post them as we go (it is too long to post them all at once).
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Alexandrian/Gardnerian Answer :
To reveal this would be to break my oath of secrecy. I can say, though, that it really is an ancient rite, dating far back in time, back even before 1951, and I have learned it from an unbroken lineage. As Gerald said, it takes a chicken to make an egg.
Asatru Answer :
First, we don't believe in a "One Chicken" or a "Hen and Rooster." We believe in many chickens. Second, "crossing the road" is part of the three levels, or worlds, and the chicken simply crossed from one level to another. Hail to the Chickens!
British Traditiona Answer :
The word "chicken" comes from a very specific Old English word ("gechekken"), and it only properly applies to certain fowl of East Anglia or those descended therefrom. As for the rest, I suppose they are doing something remotely similar to crossing the road, but you must remember that traditional roads are not to be confused with the modern roads....
------------------------
I am sure some of you have heard these, feel free to post another tradition... if you don't I will!
...more to come.
~ew
-- Posted by eaglewolf on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Well, no one else is posting to this so I will (again).
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Celtic Answer :
In County Feedbeygohn on Midsummer's day, there is still practiced St. Henny's Dance, which is a survival of the old pagan Chicken Crossing fertility rite. Today, modern pagans are reviving the practice, dedicated to the Hen and the Green Rooster.
Ceremonial :
"Crossing the road" is a phrase that summarizes many magical structures erected and timed by the chicken to produce the energy necessary for the intention of the travel across the road. For example, the astrological correspondences had to be correct, the moon had to be waxing (if the chicken intended to come to the other side of the road) or waning (if the chicken intended to flee to the other side of the road), and the chicken had to prepare herself through fasting and proper incantations. Note: certain forms of invocation (summoning an egg inside your chicken self) can produce abnormal or even dangerous eggs and should only be conducted inside a properly erected barnyard.
------------------
More to come, including one for you chaos...
~ew
-- Posted by semele on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Well I love funnies! Can't wait for more of em. I have something that I recieved on one of my many pagan lists and I thought it was priceless. I hope it wont offend anyone but here it is. Enjoy!!
Semele
Dear God,
As the newly elected president of these here United States, and as a
true God fearing man, I am asking for your help.
Please give me the strength to overcome our opposition, and the wisdom
to stear this country back to the christian path so that it can be great
once more. Help me see to it that our christian lord is brought back into
our daily lives. Help me to see to it that women will no longer commit
murder in the name of "choice".
Give me the wisdom to guide all my citizens to the light of your son
Jesus Christ, and drive Satan and all who serve him by following other
religions from our shores.
Sincerely
George W.Bush
(Dubya)
Dearest George,
What the heck kind of name is "Dubya"?
First off, these are MY children, not *your* citizens.
Secondly, it matters not to me how my children choose to acknowledge Me,
they do so in many different ways. Who are you to tell them the right path
to follow.
Lastly, just so you know, I've never liked you.
Sincerely
God
-- Posted by eaglewolf on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
That was GREAT!!
Here are some more traditions...
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Chaos Answer :
Thinking in terms of "roads" and "crossings" is simply looking at the formal, typically perceived structure of chicken crossing space-time. We, instead, focus on the possibility of chicken crossing itself; what appears to be a random act is thus actually the norm ---- it is the road which is the freak of chance. Indeed, quantum mechanics now demonstrates what we knew all along: two roads can simultaneously exist in the same place at the same time. Thus, by attuning ourselves to the dynamic energy (called "crossing"), we can manifest the road. Of course, to the unknowledgeable, this appears as a chicken crossing the road.
Dianic Answer :
The chykyn ("chicken" is term of patriarchal oppression) sought to reclaim for herself the right to be on the other side of the road, after it had been denied to her for centuries. By doing so, she reawakened the power of the Hen within herself.
Discordian Answer :
cock-a-doodle-doo!
Druid Answer :
To get to the sacred grove, of course! Keep in mind that 99% of everything written about chickens-crossing-the-road is pure hogwash, based on biased sources. Yes, there were a few unfortunate chicken sacrifices in the past, but that is over now...
--------------------
...more to come....
~ew
(Edited by eaglewolf at 4:09 pm on Feb. 4, 2001)
-- Posted by eaglewolf on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
I posted this just to be the 1000th post on the boards....
Isn't that funny?
~ew
-- Posted by semele on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Quote: from eaglewolf on 3:57 pm on Feb. 4, 2001
I posted this just to be the 1000th post on the boards....
Isn't that funny?
~ew
Balloons and streamers are supposed to fall down on you...did you get those? Or maybe it is the millionth post...oh well Keep trying!!!!
Semele
-- Posted by mol on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Hilarious.
A knee jerker!
:biggrin:
-- Posted by semele on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Quote: from mol on 4:05 pm on Feb. 4, 2001
Hilarious.
A knee jerker!
:biggrin:
uh...mol...stop jerking your knees. There are children present!!! Goof..you mean knee slapper???
Semele
-- Posted by mol on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Hmmm...I think i ment tear-jerker...my wife just called me a moron.
:)
-- Posted by eaglewolf on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
I was beginning to wonder if anyone around here had a sense of humor... thanks!
:biggrin:
~ew
-- Posted by mol on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Quote: from eaglewolf on 4:31 pm on Feb. 4, 2001
I was beginning to wonder if anyone around here had a sense of humor... thanks!
:biggrin:
~ew
I have a sense of humor. My humor just doesnt make any sense.
:biggrin:
-- Posted by eaglewolf on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Eclectic Answer:
Because it seemed right to her at the time. She used some Egyptian style corn and a Celtic sounding word for the road and incorporated some Native American elements into her Corn-name, Chicken-Who-Dances-and-Runs-with-the-Wolves.
Faery Answer:
In twilight times and under sparkling stars, those properly trained can still see the chickens crossing the roads. Reconnecting with these "fey-fowl" as they cross is crucial to restoring the balance between the energies of modern development and living with the earth.
Family Traditional Answer : See I even crack on myself!
Growing up, we didn't think much about "crossing the road." A chicken was a chicken. It crossed the road because that was what worked to get her to the other side. We focused on what worked, and we worked more with the elders of the barnyard and less with all this "guardians of the chickencoop" business. We didn't get our concepts of "chickens" or "the other side" from Gardner, either. You can choose not to believe us since we did not "scratch down" on paper wh at was clucked to us orally (which, at certain times in history, was the only way to avoid becoming Easter chicken soup!), but that doesn't change the facts: there were real chickens, and they really did cross the road!
---------------------
more to come.....
~ew
-- Posted by Lynnaea on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
LOL, the chicken jokes remind me of the lightbulb jokes, which I am sure most of you have heard years ago. Please, don't groan if I post a few for the newbies that may not have heard.
How many pagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Gardnerian trad: It's a third degree secret.
Crowley followers: I don't know, A. Crowley didn't write a book on it.
Dianic trad: One, and that is not funny.
Starhawk witches: There are poor children that don't even have lightbulbs.
Green witches: We don't need lightbulbs, we use natural lighting.
Light workers: You don't need a lightbulb, just illuminate your crystals with the light from your soul.
and so forth, ad nauseum
-- Posted by mol on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
I got 1300 !! :P eaglewolf!
-- Posted by Kaylara on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
This is from the Principa Discordia, so some of you will recognize this, but I thought that it was good enough to post here...
Western Union Telegram
To: Jehova Yahweh
Care: Celestial Hotel (Suite #666)
Presidential Tier, Paradise
Dear God;
This is to inform you that your current position as deity is herewith terminated due to gross incompetence STOP Your check will be mailed STOP Please do not use me for a reference
Respectfully,
Malaclypse the Younger/Omnibenevolent Polyfather
POEE High Priest
Blessed BE!
Kaylara
-- Posted by Litha on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
YOUR NEIGHBOR IS A WITCH IF...
Author: Andie Gilmour
Fifty sure-fire ways to detect paganism without having to resort to a dunking stool or wart-inspection.
1) Never puts any rubbish out on refuse-collection day. I mean, re-cyclingand composting is fine, but you can take it too far.
2) You casually ask what phase the moon is in, and she tells you down to the exact number of days, hour and minute of rising, position on horizon,
andcurrent angle of declination.
3) All the stray cats in the neighbourhood tend to congregate in her garden (and use your own as their litter).
4) A screech owl has chosen the lamp-post outside her house as its favorite calling-post. That's just when it's getting warm at night and you like to sleep with the window open.
5) Doesn't cut down the weeds in her garden; in fact it looks more likeshe's cultivating them. Needless to say, you get the seeds wafting over onto
your pristine lawn.
6) Most of her clothes on the washing line are black.
7) The local kids talk in whispers as they go past her house, then start running at the last moment.
8) Nobody trick-or-treats her house; not after the incident when the kids'costumes were less scary than hers when she opened the door to them.
9) Footprints on the roof. And the trees in her flight-path have been pruned down. I swear it's true!
10) She can't even make a simple sandwich without adding fresh herbs to it.And don't ask her for a cup of tea unless you want something yellow coloured
and smelling of flowers.
11) She hardly ever gets junk mail. You ask her what her secret is and she confides that she returns it to sender after writing something on in strange curly writing.
12) When you pop next door for a chat, the kettle is always already on.
13) The Jehovah's Witnesses never call (not anymore; not after the last time :-).
14) Keeps the local scented-candle shop solvent.
15) Has a pond full of frogs (and you haven't seen that bothersome double-glazing salesman around for a while).
16) She's always smiling, darn her!
17) She goes dressed as normal to a Hallowe'en fancy dress party; and wins first prize.
18) Her house always smells of incense.
19) Has named her three cats Kali, Diana, and Moonbeam. (20) Her bumper sticker reads "I brake for toads".
21) Frequently gets raided by the drug squad who confiscate large amounts of dried green leaves; they always return them with apologies after analysis.
22) At Christmas, it seems like half the garden has been moved into the house.
23) You sometimes hear the sound of singing and dancing through the wall. If you look out of the window, it is usually a full moon.
24) She was given a bodhram drum for her birthday. And she plays it at midnight in the fields. And she's got a blasted tamborine.
25) You discover that her realistic resin skull ornament in her living room,actually is real.
26) You catch her washing a crystal ball along with the dishes.
27) She wears a lot of silver jewelry, even when doing the gardening. And bat ear-rings for goodness-sake.
28) You knock on her door and she answers it naked except for a toweling robe. You apologize for disturbing her in the bath, but notice that
her hair isn't wet.
29) Irritating tendency to hum a lot. What's she got to be so happy about,huh?
30) She has a tame robin that will eat from her hand in the garden. That can't be natural.
31) Never catches a cold, even though she walks barefoot most of the time.In the snow as well.
32) Doesn't kill spiders. Not even big hairy long-legged ones that suddenly appear from the waste-pipe whilst you're having a bath.
33) She listens to what you are saying like she really cares.
34) She has lots of female friends who come round every few months. When youask what they get up to, she tells you that they just have cakes and
ale and a good natter.
35) You catch her hugging a tree.
36) Her dinner-set is decorated with Celtic patterns.
37) She has a mail-order account with a semi-precious gem wholesaler.
38) You notice that the parish priest crosses himself whenever he walks past her house.
39) She never watches television. And she has shelves full of books with black spines and silver-lettered titles.
40) To your certain knowledge she has never set foot in the local church. In fact, you have heard rumours that she has been barred from it.
41) She makes jars of quince and mandrake relish for the Women's Institute coffee morning jumble sale.
42) You ask to borrow a pack of cards for an impromptu bridge evening, and there are 78 in the pack.
43) You have never known her to visit her GP.
44) When you talk with her, she maintains eye contact all the time.
45) Expectant mothers are forever visiting her. Also women who become expectant mothers a month after visiting her.
46) You ask her for suggestions for nice walks in the area, and they all go by way of stone circles and strange earth mounds.
47) She only buys organic. And you just bet that she's a vegetarian as well.
(Well, maybe not stricly vegetarian....)
48) When you ask her about her vacation plans, she tells you she will be camping in a tee-pee in the Brecon Beacons.
49) There aren't any mirrors in her house. Or clocks.
50) She tells you that she is coming out of the broom closet, joins Witches'Voice, and erects a stained-glass pentacle window in her front door .
Ooowhat a give-away!
-- Posted by Litha on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
As part of an Interfaith community project, A priest, a Buddhist, and a Pagan Priestess, decided that in order to improve relations in the community, they would go on a fishing trip together at a local pond.
They were out in the boat when the Pagan priestess excused herself to go to the bathroom back on the shore. She got out and walked across the water
back to shore, then walked back across the water to the boat.
The priest looked in amazement, crossed himself, and they continued fishing.
Around noontime the Buddhist realized they had left their lunches back on shore. Getting up, he walked across the water to the shore, retrieved the lunches, then walked back across the water to the boat.
The priest, now totally flabbergasted, and a little
bit steamed, thought to himself, "I can do that too!!" So he got up, excused himself to go to the bathroom, took a step out of the boat then promptly sank.
While he was flailing around in the water, the buddhist looked at the priestess and asked, "Do you think we should have told him about
the rocks?"
"What rocks?" The Pagan priestess replied.
-- Posted by Marut on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
LoL i like that last one but here is an old one that someone might like here it goes Q. what do you call 13 witches in a hottub? A. A self cleaning Coven
hmm must be a cold room well ill try again later
-- Posted by Kaylara on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Lady Pixie Moondrip's Guide to Craft Names
Intro
In the Olde Days, when our pagan ancestors were going through
the persecutions we now invoke to justify various kinds of current
silliness, witches took craft names to conceal their identities and
avoid those annoying visits by the Inquisition. In the course of years,
it was noticed that these aliases could also be used as a foundation
for building up a magical personality, carrying out various kinds of
transformative work on the self, and the like. It's clear, though, that
these were mere distractions from the real purpose lying hidden within
the craft name tradition. It took contact with other sources of ancient,
mystic lore -mostly the SCA, role-playing games, and assorted fantasy
trilogies - to awaken the Craft to the innermost secret of craft names:
they make really cool fashion statements. It's in this spirit that Lady
Pixie Moondrip offers the following guidelines to choosing your own
craft name. Such a guide is long overdue; the point of fashion, after
all, is that it allows you to express your own utterly unique
individuality by doing exactly the same thing as everyone else. (Those
who are particularly drawn to this element of the craft name tradition
will find the Random Craft Name Generator near the end of this guide
especially useful.) The approaches given here can be used separately, or
combined in a single name to produce any number of interesting effects.
Given enough cleverness (and lack of taste), the possibilities are
endless!
Starting Off Right
Whatever else you do, you should certainly begin your craft name
with "Lord" or "Lady." First of all, it's pretentious, and that's always
a good way to start. Secondly, it makes an interesting statement about
a religion that supposedly has its roots in the traditions of peasants and
rural tribespeople. Thirdly, since most Craft groups use exactly these
same words for the God and the Goddess, this creates a (by no means
inappropriate) confusion about just who it is that we worship.
Divine Names
Along the same lines, you can always take the name of a god,
a goddess, a mythological being or a legendary hero as your craft name,
thus putting yourself on the same level as the powers you invoke.
Having once watched two fifteen-year-old boys get into a fistfight over
which had the right to call himself "Lord Merlin," Lady Pixie has a high
opinion of the possibilities of this approach. She notes, however, that
there seems to be an unwritten law among those who have made use of
this type of name already, and it's no doubt wisest to follow suit: the
more grandiose the name that you choose, the more of a complete
nebbish you should be. Nearly anyone can carry off, say, "Lady Niwalen,"
but it takes a special kind of person to handle a name like "Lord Jehovah
God Almighty." Fortunately, there are those among us who are equal to the
task.
Nonhumans
A related approach involves taking a name that implies (or, better yet,
states openly) that you are an elf or some other kind of nonhuman,
magical being. This works best if you are willing to act the part
obsessively, and to get really petulant when anyone fails to respond
accordingly. Subtlety should be avoided; nobody will catch something
like "Lord Elrandir" unless they know Tolkien inside and out. Try
something more like "Lord Celeborn Pointears the Real Live Elf."
Fantasy Fiction
The burgeoning field of fantasy fiction offers another source for
fashionable craft names, and in many cases, for interesting
complications as well. One popular approach is to choose the name of
your favorite character; as with nonhumans, this works best if you play
the part, and throw a tantrum unless everyone else plays along. Given
luck and a sense of the popular, you may be able to choose everyone
else's favorite character, too, and end up tussling over a name with a
dozen other people.(Mercedes Lackey is a good author to try if this is
your goal.) Both this and the last category have the added advantage
of making it clear that, as far as you are concerned, the Craft is simply
a setting for make-believe games; this can help spare you the annoyance
of actually having to learn something about it.
Inventing A Name from Scratch
The best way to do this is to come up with something that sounds, say,
vaguely Celtic, perhaps by mangling a couple of existing names together,
and then resolutely avoid looking it up in a Welsh or Gaelic dictionary.
Luck is an important factor here, but there is always the chance that
you'll manage something striking. It took one person of Lady Pixie's
acquaintance only a few minutes to blur together Gwydion son of Don
and Girion, Lord of Dale, into the craft name "Lord Gwyrionin," and
several months to find out that the name he had invented, and used
throughout the local pagan scene, was also the Welsh word for "idiot."
Following a Grand Tradition
Though the ink is barely dry on most of our modern pagan "traditions,"
there's at least one ancient European tradition that many people in the
Craft follow: the tradition of stealing things from non-Western peoples.
Fake Indian craft names are always chic, especially if the closest thing
to contact with Native American spirituality you've ever had is watching
Dances With Wolves at a beer party. Better still, mix whatever Craft
teachings you've absorbed with a few ideas you picked up from a Michael
Harner book, break out the buckskins and the medicine pouches, and
proclaim yourself a shaman. Mind you, there are people out there who
have received real Native American medicine teachings, and they may
just turn you into hamburger if you piss them off; still, that's the risk you
run if you want to be really trendy.
The Random Craft Name Generator
On the other hand, if you are individualistic like everybody else, you
may be looking for a name that expresses the uniqueness of your
personality but still sounds like all the other craft names you've ever
heard. Fortunately, this isn't too hard. Several years back, a gentleman
of Lady Pixie's acquaintance told her that the best way to get laid at a
pagan gathering was to have the PA system announce, "Will Morgan and
Raven please come to the information booth?" Since the resulting crowd
would include at least a third of the female attendees, he went on, it
wouldn't be too hard to meet someone interesting. While Lady Pixie has
not tried this out herself, she has tested the principle behind it in a
series of controlled double-blinded experiments, and discovered a rule
that she has modestly named Moondrip's Law: 80% of all craft names are
made up of the same thirty words combined in various not particularly
imaginative ways. The discovery of this principle has allowed her to
make the once difficult task of creating craft names easy, by means of
the Random Craft Name Generator, release 1.0. To use the RCNG,
take either two or three of the following words (using any convenient
randomizing method, including personal preference). If you take two,
simply run them together; if you take three, one of the words becomes
the first part of the name, and the other two are combined to form the
second.
Wolf Raven Silver Moon Star Water Snow Sea Tree Wind
Cloud Witch Thorn Leaf White Black Green Fire Rowan Swan
Night Red Mist Hawk Feather Eagle Song Sky Storm Sun
Try it out: "Rowan Moonstar." "Raven Blackthorn." "Silver Ravenw..." -
uh, never mind. For the expanded version (RCNG 1.01), come up with a
name by any of the methods covered elsewhere in this guide, or take some
ordinary American name, and add a two-word name produced on the RCNG
to the end: "Gwydion Silvertree." "Sybil Moonwitch." "Squatting Buffalo
Firewater." The possibilities are endless! (Note that this list will
change with shifts in fashion; Lady Pixie expects to bring out an
upgrade to RCNG 2.0 in a year or two.)
Outro
It may be objected by the narrow-minded (who are probably all covert
Christians, anyway) that members of the Craft have better things to do
with their time than the above guidelines would suggest. This shows a
complete lack of insight. First of all, in an increasingly blase and
tolerant culture, it's becoming hard for white middle-class Americans to
get that rush of self-righteous gratification that comes from pretending
to be members of a persecuted minority; we may not be able to get burned
at the stake by calling ourselves silly names, but at least we can get
laughed at, and that's something. Secondly, if we keep on treating craft
names (and the Craft as a whole) as fashion statements, that spares us
the unpleasant drudgery of actually learning magic and making it part of
our lives. Finally, if we're pretentious enough, those people who
actually know enough to magic their way out of a wet paper bag will roll
their eyes and go somewhere else, and we can keep on fighting our witch
wars, casting vast astral whammies and invoking powers we don't have a
clue how to control, all in the serene certainty that no one is actually
going to get hurt. On the other hand, we could take the Craft
seriously...but who wants to do that?
Lady Pixie Moondrip
-- Posted by Kaylara on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Circle Etiquette
Never summon Anything you can't banish.
Never put asafoetida on the rocks in the sweat lodge.
Do not attempt to walk more than 10 paces while wearing all of your ritual jewelry, dream bags and crystals at the same time.
When proposing to initiate someone, do not mention the Great Rite, leer, and say, "Hey, your trad or mine?"
Never laugh at someone who is skyclad. They can see you, too.
Never, ever set the Witch on fire.
Looking at nifty pictures is not a valid path to mastering the ancient grimoires. Please read thoroughly and carefully from beginning to end so that your madness and gibberings will at least make some sense.
A good grasp of ritual and ritual techniques are essential! In the event of a random impaling, or other accidental death amongst the participants, (see next rule) a quick thinker can improvise to ensure successful completion of the Rite. Make them another sacrifice, Demons like those.
Watch where you wave the sharp pointy items.
Avoid walking through disembodied spirits.
Carry an all purpose translators dictionary in case the ritual leader begins talking in some strange and unknown language.
Avoid joining your life force to anything with glowing red eyes.
If asked to sign a contract or pact and you are experiencing doubts or reservations, sign your neighbors name. Malevolent entities rarely ask for photo ID.
Blood is thicker than water. Soak ritual garments an extra 30-45 minutes.
While drunken weaving may be mistaken for ecstatic dancing, slurring the names of Deities is generally considered bad form.
-- Posted by Kaylara on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
ENLIGHTMENT QUIZ
The following is a rest of your level of enlightnment. Score one point for each correct answer, subtract one point for each wrong answer. Add your total number of right answers to the total number of wrong answers, divide by the total number of questions on the test, then wonder why you've tried
to follow it this far.
Select the answer which best completes the following statements:
1. Yin and .........
A) Yout B) Tonic C) Yenta D) Yang
2. A Zen koan is ........
A) Jewish Buddist B) All of the above C) None of the above
D) None of the above
3. Just before total God-realization I would see.......
A) A blue pearl B) Nothing C) Everything D) How would I know?
4) Lao-Tsu is.......
A) Shrimp with fried rice B) The Atman Brothers
C) A Japanese word for sneeze D) One of the above
5) Jivatman and Atman merge to become.......
A) Jivatmanatman B) The Atmnn Brithers
C) Jivatman & Atman Inc. D) Mr & Mrs Atman
6) The word or words which best describes the relationship of God, Guru
And Self is.......
A) Oneness B) Twoness
C) Penpalness D) Just good friends
7) Which of the following is not a name of the Lord?
A) Jehova B) Elohim C) Yahweh D) Charlton Heston
8) If you swap a Swami with a Yogi you get.......
A) A Swogi B) A Salami C) Yogurt D) Heartburn
9) Carlos Castaneda is:
A) a flamingo dancer B) A resort near San Juan
C) The 2nd baseman for D) The gutarist for Santana
The LA Dodgers
10) Om Mani Padme means:
A) O manny, pardon my home B) Money talks, nobody walks in
C) It u cn rd ths msg u cn Sanskrit
Gt a gd jb D) Never having to say you're Sorry
11) The sound of one hand clapping is:
A) Very quiet B) similar to smiling with one lip
C) A Zen record shop D) Like the "p" in swimming
12) Linguine is to fettucine as kundalini is to :
A) Eenie meenie B) Halloweenie C) Harry Houdini
D) Pepto Bismol (this is a silly answer)
13) The Tao Te Ching is:
A) The new premier of China B) A new record by Cheech and Chong
C) I Ching's older brother D) A massage parlor in Tokyo
14) You arrive at a party and your host says, "Far out, I want to take the responsibility for creating space in your universe so you can experience your experience." He means:
A) "Have a good time" B) "Don't eat the Sweedish meatballs"
C) "I just completed est training" D) Nothing anyone would understand
15) If three devotees can meditate for a total of nine hours, how many devotes would it take to mow the lawn?
16) If three devotees can mow the lawn in one hour, how many stoned devotees would it take to meditate until nobody cared?
17) If shakti was rising toward the fourth chakra at a rate of 3.5 pranayamas per second, and at the same time an energy force was traveling in the opposite direction at a rate of 4.8 pranayams per second, what time would it be in Chicago if we woke up in
Los Angles?
True-False
_______Ramakrishna is a cereal made with rice and maple flavoring.
_______Satori is better than nirnana and samadhi except on weekends
and holodays.
_______Sufi dancing is like square dancing only rounder.
_______The Tibetan Book of the Dead is a novel by Harold Robbins.
Score
0-5 points: You are hopelessly attached to the wheel of life and death. Try again next incarnation!
6-10 points You are largely unconscious and stuck in worldly pleasures
10-15 points You are so-so on the enlightment scale. Keep reading the New Sun.
15-20 points You are a very conscious being; with a little good karma you could go a long way.
20-25 points You are very close to God-realization--early November at the latest.
BB Kaylara
-- Posted by eaglewolf on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Finally, more humor, thanks guys!
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Kitchen Witch :
The chicken crossed the road to get food, to get a rooster or to get away from me after I decided to have chicken for supper!
Left Hand Path :
White, fluffy chickens prancing across the road ! Do you think that is all there is to crossing the road? Do you dare to know the Dark Side of crossing the road and the other path to self-development?
New Age :
The chicken crossed the road because she chose this as one her lessons to learn in this life. Besides, there was so much incense and bright, white corn to explore on the Other Side.
Newbie :
well, 'cause I read in this really kewl book that said, like, chickens are supposed to cross the road, right?
--------------------
Keep them coming!
~ew
-- Posted by Kaylara on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Top Ten Cheesy Pick-Up Lines For Pagans
10. Hey babe, what's your sign? What's it's ascendant? What is your planet alignment in Venus during Cancer's revolving around the Fourth House?
9. Read any good Llewellyn Books lately?
8. Would you like to come over to my place and widdershens?
7. Haven't I seen you someplace before in another life?
6. Yes, I'm handfasted, but that's not "technically" marriage.
5. So, do you draw down the moon here often?
4. What's a nymph Goddess like you doing in a place like this?
3. You have the prettiest third eye I've ever seen.
2. You're feet must be tired because you've been Spiral Dancing in my mind "all" night long.
And the Number One Cheesy Pick-Up Line for Pagans to Use at Gatherings is:
1. Is that a May Pole in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
-- Posted by Kaylara on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
You Know Your Coven's Getting Older When...
The ritual feast is pureed.
Last Beltaine the coven decided it would be nice to go out to dinner to celebrate.
The last time you tried to do a spiral dance your oxygen feeds got tangled.
Viagra is kept in the coven supplies.
The maiden of the coven is a grandmother.
The ritual room is outfitted with defibrillators.
The coveners drive their RV's to Scottsdale for Mabon.
When you are at a festival you go to bed at sunset.
It takes the whole coven to move the cauldron.
The high priest still has a vendetta going against Richard Nixon.
You find yourself using your pendulum over the stock pages in the newspaper.
You tell an initiate that in your day you had to slog through five feet of snow uphill both ways when you did a Yule
ritual.
You drop your teeth in the ritual cup.
At Samhain you see more of your coveners in the Wild Hunt than you do in circle.
You put your athame in the chalice during ritual but you can't remember why.
You hold an all night blow-out drum frenzy and none of your neighbors noticed.
You use Glenn Miller records for trance music.
All of your ritual robes are tie-dyed
Your coven has a 401(k) retirement plan.
A nitro pill vial replaces the crystal on your pendant.
No one's successfully jumped the Beltaine fire since 1983.
When the coven sings, "Creak and groan, creak and groan . . ."
When you set comfy chairs around the circle.
When you sit on the floor and can't get up again.
You do anointings with Aspercreme.
The oak tree your coven planted died of old age.
You use Bran Muffins and Prune Juice for Cakes & Ale because you need the extra fiber.
You don't use salt to consecrate you altar because you need to stay away from extra sodium.
You use a walker during the Wild Hunt
You prefer to rent a Hall for rituals because the bathrooms are closer.
You need a flashlight to find the candles.
-- Posted by Kaylara on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
How to Become A Witch in Nine Easy Lessons
In the 1980's it was fashionable to be interested in the New Age. This is now a dreadful faux pas within the alternative scene, and in order to be accepted in the 1990's metaphysical social set, one must have an interest in Witchcraft or Paganism. Of course, you don't have to actually belong to a coven in order to be thought of as a Witch, you can bluff your way into being accepted as a fully fledged Witch simply by knowing a few terms and dressing accordingly. This brings us to...
Rule # 1: Image is Everything. After all, what's the good of being a Witch if nobody knows you are one? You must therefore wear black at all times. If possible, stay out of the sun until you become really pale, as this makes the effect even better. For women (and adventurous males) dark eyeliner and black nail polish can enhance this look. Also wear crystals and cheap occult paraphernalia at all times, and make sure that these are as gaudy and bizarre as possible, as this can only help your image. Wearing a pentacle around your neck is an absolutely necessary accessory - the bigger the better! Capes and cloaks are optional around town - it depends on how much of a visual impact you want to make, but either of these are also crucial apparel at any ritual or gathering that you may attend.
Rule # 2: Name Dropping is Good. Every serious student of The Craft (and I'm talking here about the term for Witchcraft, not macrame) knows the name Gerald Gardner. This man revitalised Witchcraft in the mid 1900's with his book about the true history of The Old Religion (some have called this book pure fiction, but only those picky few who like books to be based on facts). Real Witches however, never let historical accuracy get in the way of their spiritual path, so in conversations with other witches, quote his name as often as possible (in tones of awe) and you will always be rewarded with smiles of acceptance.
Rule # 3: Past Life Name Dropping is Even Better. Tell everyone about the past life memories that have been surfacing since you began studying the Black Arts. It is especially useful to remember a past lifetime as a Witch who was killed during the Inquisition, or at least recall a lifetime as a famous occultist. My past lives have included Aleister Crowley, Cagliostro, Mandrake the Magician, and most of the cast of "Bewitched".
Rule # 4: Behave Strangely. Never forget why it was that you wanted to become a Witch - yes, so that you have an excuse for strange behaviour. Previously labelled eccentric behaviour patterns can now be accepted by others if they have a reason to explain it, even if that reason for howling at full moons while naked is simply, "He/she is a Witch, that's normal for them evidently." So, don't let your friends down, behave strangely, you can get away with it now.
Rule # 5: Watch Occult Movies. Make sure that you watch the movie "Warlock" lots of times to perfect those soft landings after over-indulging with the flying ointments (read as mead and weed).
Rule # 6: Ready Yourself for Sex, Money and Power. Wasn't this the other reason you were drawn to Witchcraft? In the past, adepts of the occult were known to possess charismatic, lusty and powerful personas - when people find out that you are a Witch, they may automatically assume (and therefore empower you) with these same qualities. This may sound pretty good, but unfortunately in today's world, another group of people have become even more established within the realms of kinky sex sessions and unlimited power - yes, the politicians! Beware of this elitist group of power-brokers... they don't want any competition to their manipulative monopoly over the gullible public - hence the laws against Witchcraft and divination that have remained unchanged for centuries. So, if calling yourself a High Priest doesn't lead you to unlimited sex, money and power - or if it does, but you then find yourself as the target of political and legal harassment - you may have to put aside your cloak and broomstick and pick up a pin-stripe suit and a back-bench in Parliament. If you can't beat them, try bribery, then if that doesn't work... join them!
Rule # 7: Atmosphere is Essential. Your home must reflect your Witchy nature. Incense must burn continuously. It's important that visitors see clouds of incense smoke billowing from a spluttering censer in the corner of your dim, dank and dusty home, so dismantle the smoke detectors and start collecting strange little bottles of exotic looking ingredients (use your imagination and label them with names like powdered bat's eyes, or dried dragon's gonads). And if you don't like housework, you can explain that the layer of dust that covers your floors and furniture helps to neutralise the highly charged psychic energy that results from your magical spells, thereby protecting your home and possessions from electromagnetic disintegration.
Rule # 8: Be Patronising to Christians. In social discussions don't forget to make plenty of derogatory remarks about fundamentalist Christians, but remember to save your most biting comments for other Witches that you don't get along with.
Rule # 9: Brag About Your Psychic Powers. Any self-respecting Witch will tell you that after their initiation to Witchcraft, their psychic powers awakened and their tarot cards (which they always carry with them) are now much easier to read (they now get something right once in a while). They will also tell you that they can now sense energy fields (in other words, they don't bump into things as often as they used to). Follow this example and brag about the rapid development of your psychic abilities since your initiation. If asked about your initiation ceremony, simply state that you were sworn to secrecy about it, then quickly change the subject by mentioning your newly awakened ability to detect Ley-lines, but try to remember that a Ley-line is not a queue for the after-ritual orgy!
Now you know how to pass yourself off as a real Witch, so place that broomstick in a conspicuous corner (one that is not clouded by too much incense smoke); pull on those black clothes; give everyone that you meet a sinister look - and your social status will improve overnight. If you do all of this successfully, you may even find yourself with enough adoring acolytes so that you can start your own coven! Good luck and Blessed Be!
-- Posted by Kaylara on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Sorry, I love some of these jokes... I just had to post them...
Blessed Be!
Kaylara
-- Posted by Raven on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Coven Pecking Order
HIGH PRIEST:
Leaps tall buildings at a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water and dictates policy to God.
3RD DEGREE INITIATE:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound, more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water ... if the sea is calm, and talks to God.
2ND DEGREE INITIATE:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is faster than a BB, more powerful than a railroad hand-car, walks on water in a swimming pool, and talks to God ... if a special request is approved.
1ST DEGREE INITIATE:
Clears a small hut, loses the race with a locomotive, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occasionally addressed by God.
NEOPHYTE:
Runs into small buildings, recognizes a locomotive two out of three times, frequently wets self with a water pistol, can do the dog paddle and mostly mumbles to animals.
HIGH PRIESTESS:
Lifts tall buildings to walk under them, kicks locomotives off the track, catches speeding bullets in her teeth and freezes water with a single glance. SHE IS GOD.
[From Pagan Digest, April 1996. Re-telling of the Office Pecking Order.]
-- Posted by Kaylara on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
I LOVE THAT JOKE!!!!!!!!!
-- Posted by semele on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Kudos!!! I love this thread. Thanks for starting it Eaglewolf.
Semele
Here is a new topic for everyone to consider.
What is a Pagan related joke you have heard, read or thought of yourself?
Please keep it clean!
And remember, this is for fun. No one is allowed to take it personally!! That's right, I said ALLOWED...
~ew
-- Posted by eaglewolf on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Guess I should post some humor too...
I have answers for many traditions and will post them as we go (it is too long to post them all at once).
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Alexandrian/Gardnerian Answer :
To reveal this would be to break my oath of secrecy. I can say, though, that it really is an ancient rite, dating far back in time, back even before 1951, and I have learned it from an unbroken lineage. As Gerald said, it takes a chicken to make an egg.
Asatru Answer :
First, we don't believe in a "One Chicken" or a "Hen and Rooster." We believe in many chickens. Second, "crossing the road" is part of the three levels, or worlds, and the chicken simply crossed from one level to another. Hail to the Chickens!
British Traditiona Answer :
The word "chicken" comes from a very specific Old English word ("gechekken"), and it only properly applies to certain fowl of East Anglia or those descended therefrom. As for the rest, I suppose they are doing something remotely similar to crossing the road, but you must remember that traditional roads are not to be confused with the modern roads....
------------------------
I am sure some of you have heard these, feel free to post another tradition... if you don't I will!
...more to come.
~ew
-- Posted by eaglewolf on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Well, no one else is posting to this so I will (again).
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Celtic Answer :
In County Feedbeygohn on Midsummer's day, there is still practiced St. Henny's Dance, which is a survival of the old pagan Chicken Crossing fertility rite. Today, modern pagans are reviving the practice, dedicated to the Hen and the Green Rooster.
Ceremonial :
"Crossing the road" is a phrase that summarizes many magical structures erected and timed by the chicken to produce the energy necessary for the intention of the travel across the road. For example, the astrological correspondences had to be correct, the moon had to be waxing (if the chicken intended to come to the other side of the road) or waning (if the chicken intended to flee to the other side of the road), and the chicken had to prepare herself through fasting and proper incantations. Note: certain forms of invocation (summoning an egg inside your chicken self) can produce abnormal or even dangerous eggs and should only be conducted inside a properly erected barnyard.
------------------
More to come, including one for you chaos...
~ew
-- Posted by semele on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Well I love funnies! Can't wait for more of em. I have something that I recieved on one of my many pagan lists and I thought it was priceless. I hope it wont offend anyone but here it is. Enjoy!!
Semele
Dear God,
As the newly elected president of these here United States, and as a
true God fearing man, I am asking for your help.
Please give me the strength to overcome our opposition, and the wisdom
to stear this country back to the christian path so that it can be great
once more. Help me see to it that our christian lord is brought back into
our daily lives. Help me to see to it that women will no longer commit
murder in the name of "choice".
Give me the wisdom to guide all my citizens to the light of your son
Jesus Christ, and drive Satan and all who serve him by following other
religions from our shores.
Sincerely
George W.Bush
(Dubya)
Dearest George,
What the heck kind of name is "Dubya"?
First off, these are MY children, not *your* citizens.
Secondly, it matters not to me how my children choose to acknowledge Me,
they do so in many different ways. Who are you to tell them the right path
to follow.
Lastly, just so you know, I've never liked you.
Sincerely
God
-- Posted by eaglewolf on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
That was GREAT!!
Here are some more traditions...
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Chaos Answer :
Thinking in terms of "roads" and "crossings" is simply looking at the formal, typically perceived structure of chicken crossing space-time. We, instead, focus on the possibility of chicken crossing itself; what appears to be a random act is thus actually the norm ---- it is the road which is the freak of chance. Indeed, quantum mechanics now demonstrates what we knew all along: two roads can simultaneously exist in the same place at the same time. Thus, by attuning ourselves to the dynamic energy (called "crossing"), we can manifest the road. Of course, to the unknowledgeable, this appears as a chicken crossing the road.
Dianic Answer :
The chykyn ("chicken" is term of patriarchal oppression) sought to reclaim for herself the right to be on the other side of the road, after it had been denied to her for centuries. By doing so, she reawakened the power of the Hen within herself.
Discordian Answer :
cock-a-doodle-doo!
Druid Answer :
To get to the sacred grove, of course! Keep in mind that 99% of everything written about chickens-crossing-the-road is pure hogwash, based on biased sources. Yes, there were a few unfortunate chicken sacrifices in the past, but that is over now...
--------------------
...more to come....
~ew
(Edited by eaglewolf at 4:09 pm on Feb. 4, 2001)
-- Posted by eaglewolf on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
I posted this just to be the 1000th post on the boards....
Isn't that funny?
~ew
-- Posted by semele on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Quote: from eaglewolf on 3:57 pm on Feb. 4, 2001
I posted this just to be the 1000th post on the boards....
Isn't that funny?
~ew
Balloons and streamers are supposed to fall down on you...did you get those? Or maybe it is the millionth post...oh well Keep trying!!!!
Semele
-- Posted by mol on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Hilarious.
A knee jerker!
:biggrin:
-- Posted by semele on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Quote: from mol on 4:05 pm on Feb. 4, 2001
Hilarious.
A knee jerker!
:biggrin:
uh...mol...stop jerking your knees. There are children present!!! Goof..you mean knee slapper???
Semele
-- Posted by mol on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Hmmm...I think i ment tear-jerker...my wife just called me a moron.
:)
-- Posted by eaglewolf on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
I was beginning to wonder if anyone around here had a sense of humor... thanks!
:biggrin:
~ew
-- Posted by mol on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Quote: from eaglewolf on 4:31 pm on Feb. 4, 2001
I was beginning to wonder if anyone around here had a sense of humor... thanks!
:biggrin:
~ew
I have a sense of humor. My humor just doesnt make any sense.
:biggrin:
-- Posted by eaglewolf on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Eclectic Answer:
Because it seemed right to her at the time. She used some Egyptian style corn and a Celtic sounding word for the road and incorporated some Native American elements into her Corn-name, Chicken-Who-Dances-and-Runs-with-the-Wolves.
Faery Answer:
In twilight times and under sparkling stars, those properly trained can still see the chickens crossing the roads. Reconnecting with these "fey-fowl" as they cross is crucial to restoring the balance between the energies of modern development and living with the earth.
Family Traditional Answer : See I even crack on myself!
Growing up, we didn't think much about "crossing the road." A chicken was a chicken. It crossed the road because that was what worked to get her to the other side. We focused on what worked, and we worked more with the elders of the barnyard and less with all this "guardians of the chickencoop" business. We didn't get our concepts of "chickens" or "the other side" from Gardner, either. You can choose not to believe us since we did not "scratch down" on paper wh at was clucked to us orally (which, at certain times in history, was the only way to avoid becoming Easter chicken soup!), but that doesn't change the facts: there were real chickens, and they really did cross the road!
---------------------
more to come.....
~ew
-- Posted by Lynnaea on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
LOL, the chicken jokes remind me of the lightbulb jokes, which I am sure most of you have heard years ago. Please, don't groan if I post a few for the newbies that may not have heard.
How many pagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Gardnerian trad: It's a third degree secret.
Crowley followers: I don't know, A. Crowley didn't write a book on it.
Dianic trad: One, and that is not funny.
Starhawk witches: There are poor children that don't even have lightbulbs.
Green witches: We don't need lightbulbs, we use natural lighting.
Light workers: You don't need a lightbulb, just illuminate your crystals with the light from your soul.
and so forth, ad nauseum
-- Posted by mol on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
I got 1300 !! :P eaglewolf!
-- Posted by Kaylara on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
This is from the Principa Discordia, so some of you will recognize this, but I thought that it was good enough to post here...
Western Union Telegram
To: Jehova Yahweh
Care: Celestial Hotel (Suite #666)
Presidential Tier, Paradise
Dear God;
This is to inform you that your current position as deity is herewith terminated due to gross incompetence STOP Your check will be mailed STOP Please do not use me for a reference
Respectfully,
Malaclypse the Younger/Omnibenevolent Polyfather
POEE High Priest
Blessed BE!
Kaylara
-- Posted by Litha on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
YOUR NEIGHBOR IS A WITCH IF...
Author: Andie Gilmour
Fifty sure-fire ways to detect paganism without having to resort to a dunking stool or wart-inspection.
1) Never puts any rubbish out on refuse-collection day. I mean, re-cyclingand composting is fine, but you can take it too far.
2) You casually ask what phase the moon is in, and she tells you down to the exact number of days, hour and minute of rising, position on horizon,
andcurrent angle of declination.
3) All the stray cats in the neighbourhood tend to congregate in her garden (and use your own as their litter).
4) A screech owl has chosen the lamp-post outside her house as its favorite calling-post. That's just when it's getting warm at night and you like to sleep with the window open.
5) Doesn't cut down the weeds in her garden; in fact it looks more likeshe's cultivating them. Needless to say, you get the seeds wafting over onto
your pristine lawn.
6) Most of her clothes on the washing line are black.
7) The local kids talk in whispers as they go past her house, then start running at the last moment.
8) Nobody trick-or-treats her house; not after the incident when the kids'costumes were less scary than hers when she opened the door to them.
9) Footprints on the roof. And the trees in her flight-path have been pruned down. I swear it's true!
10) She can't even make a simple sandwich without adding fresh herbs to it.And don't ask her for a cup of tea unless you want something yellow coloured
and smelling of flowers.
11) She hardly ever gets junk mail. You ask her what her secret is and she confides that she returns it to sender after writing something on in strange curly writing.
12) When you pop next door for a chat, the kettle is always already on.
13) The Jehovah's Witnesses never call (not anymore; not after the last time :-).
14) Keeps the local scented-candle shop solvent.
15) Has a pond full of frogs (and you haven't seen that bothersome double-glazing salesman around for a while).
16) She's always smiling, darn her!
17) She goes dressed as normal to a Hallowe'en fancy dress party; and wins first prize.
18) Her house always smells of incense.
19) Has named her three cats Kali, Diana, and Moonbeam. (20) Her bumper sticker reads "I brake for toads".
21) Frequently gets raided by the drug squad who confiscate large amounts of dried green leaves; they always return them with apologies after analysis.
22) At Christmas, it seems like half the garden has been moved into the house.
23) You sometimes hear the sound of singing and dancing through the wall. If you look out of the window, it is usually a full moon.
24) She was given a bodhram drum for her birthday. And she plays it at midnight in the fields. And she's got a blasted tamborine.
25) You discover that her realistic resin skull ornament in her living room,actually is real.
26) You catch her washing a crystal ball along with the dishes.
27) She wears a lot of silver jewelry, even when doing the gardening. And bat ear-rings for goodness-sake.
28) You knock on her door and she answers it naked except for a toweling robe. You apologize for disturbing her in the bath, but notice that
her hair isn't wet.
29) Irritating tendency to hum a lot. What's she got to be so happy about,huh?
30) She has a tame robin that will eat from her hand in the garden. That can't be natural.
31) Never catches a cold, even though she walks barefoot most of the time.In the snow as well.
32) Doesn't kill spiders. Not even big hairy long-legged ones that suddenly appear from the waste-pipe whilst you're having a bath.
33) She listens to what you are saying like she really cares.
34) She has lots of female friends who come round every few months. When youask what they get up to, she tells you that they just have cakes and
ale and a good natter.
35) You catch her hugging a tree.
36) Her dinner-set is decorated with Celtic patterns.
37) She has a mail-order account with a semi-precious gem wholesaler.
38) You notice that the parish priest crosses himself whenever he walks past her house.
39) She never watches television. And she has shelves full of books with black spines and silver-lettered titles.
40) To your certain knowledge she has never set foot in the local church. In fact, you have heard rumours that she has been barred from it.
41) She makes jars of quince and mandrake relish for the Women's Institute coffee morning jumble sale.
42) You ask to borrow a pack of cards for an impromptu bridge evening, and there are 78 in the pack.
43) You have never known her to visit her GP.
44) When you talk with her, she maintains eye contact all the time.
45) Expectant mothers are forever visiting her. Also women who become expectant mothers a month after visiting her.
46) You ask her for suggestions for nice walks in the area, and they all go by way of stone circles and strange earth mounds.
47) She only buys organic. And you just bet that she's a vegetarian as well.
(Well, maybe not stricly vegetarian....)
48) When you ask her about her vacation plans, she tells you she will be camping in a tee-pee in the Brecon Beacons.
49) There aren't any mirrors in her house. Or clocks.
50) She tells you that she is coming out of the broom closet, joins Witches'Voice, and erects a stained-glass pentacle window in her front door .
Ooowhat a give-away!
-- Posted by Litha on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
As part of an Interfaith community project, A priest, a Buddhist, and a Pagan Priestess, decided that in order to improve relations in the community, they would go on a fishing trip together at a local pond.
They were out in the boat when the Pagan priestess excused herself to go to the bathroom back on the shore. She got out and walked across the water
back to shore, then walked back across the water to the boat.
The priest looked in amazement, crossed himself, and they continued fishing.
Around noontime the Buddhist realized they had left their lunches back on shore. Getting up, he walked across the water to the shore, retrieved the lunches, then walked back across the water to the boat.
The priest, now totally flabbergasted, and a little
bit steamed, thought to himself, "I can do that too!!" So he got up, excused himself to go to the bathroom, took a step out of the boat then promptly sank.
While he was flailing around in the water, the buddhist looked at the priestess and asked, "Do you think we should have told him about
the rocks?"
"What rocks?" The Pagan priestess replied.
-- Posted by Marut on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
LoL i like that last one but here is an old one that someone might like here it goes Q. what do you call 13 witches in a hottub? A. A self cleaning Coven
hmm must be a cold room well ill try again later
-- Posted by Kaylara on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Lady Pixie Moondrip's Guide to Craft Names
Intro
In the Olde Days, when our pagan ancestors were going through
the persecutions we now invoke to justify various kinds of current
silliness, witches took craft names to conceal their identities and
avoid those annoying visits by the Inquisition. In the course of years,
it was noticed that these aliases could also be used as a foundation
for building up a magical personality, carrying out various kinds of
transformative work on the self, and the like. It's clear, though, that
these were mere distractions from the real purpose lying hidden within
the craft name tradition. It took contact with other sources of ancient,
mystic lore -mostly the SCA, role-playing games, and assorted fantasy
trilogies - to awaken the Craft to the innermost secret of craft names:
they make really cool fashion statements. It's in this spirit that Lady
Pixie Moondrip offers the following guidelines to choosing your own
craft name. Such a guide is long overdue; the point of fashion, after
all, is that it allows you to express your own utterly unique
individuality by doing exactly the same thing as everyone else. (Those
who are particularly drawn to this element of the craft name tradition
will find the Random Craft Name Generator near the end of this guide
especially useful.) The approaches given here can be used separately, or
combined in a single name to produce any number of interesting effects.
Given enough cleverness (and lack of taste), the possibilities are
endless!
Starting Off Right
Whatever else you do, you should certainly begin your craft name
with "Lord" or "Lady." First of all, it's pretentious, and that's always
a good way to start. Secondly, it makes an interesting statement about
a religion that supposedly has its roots in the traditions of peasants and
rural tribespeople. Thirdly, since most Craft groups use exactly these
same words for the God and the Goddess, this creates a (by no means
inappropriate) confusion about just who it is that we worship.
Divine Names
Along the same lines, you can always take the name of a god,
a goddess, a mythological being or a legendary hero as your craft name,
thus putting yourself on the same level as the powers you invoke.
Having once watched two fifteen-year-old boys get into a fistfight over
which had the right to call himself "Lord Merlin," Lady Pixie has a high
opinion of the possibilities of this approach. She notes, however, that
there seems to be an unwritten law among those who have made use of
this type of name already, and it's no doubt wisest to follow suit: the
more grandiose the name that you choose, the more of a complete
nebbish you should be. Nearly anyone can carry off, say, "Lady Niwalen,"
but it takes a special kind of person to handle a name like "Lord Jehovah
God Almighty." Fortunately, there are those among us who are equal to the
task.
Nonhumans
A related approach involves taking a name that implies (or, better yet,
states openly) that you are an elf or some other kind of nonhuman,
magical being. This works best if you are willing to act the part
obsessively, and to get really petulant when anyone fails to respond
accordingly. Subtlety should be avoided; nobody will catch something
like "Lord Elrandir" unless they know Tolkien inside and out. Try
something more like "Lord Celeborn Pointears the Real Live Elf."
Fantasy Fiction
The burgeoning field of fantasy fiction offers another source for
fashionable craft names, and in many cases, for interesting
complications as well. One popular approach is to choose the name of
your favorite character; as with nonhumans, this works best if you play
the part, and throw a tantrum unless everyone else plays along. Given
luck and a sense of the popular, you may be able to choose everyone
else's favorite character, too, and end up tussling over a name with a
dozen other people.(Mercedes Lackey is a good author to try if this is
your goal.) Both this and the last category have the added advantage
of making it clear that, as far as you are concerned, the Craft is simply
a setting for make-believe games; this can help spare you the annoyance
of actually having to learn something about it.
Inventing A Name from Scratch
The best way to do this is to come up with something that sounds, say,
vaguely Celtic, perhaps by mangling a couple of existing names together,
and then resolutely avoid looking it up in a Welsh or Gaelic dictionary.
Luck is an important factor here, but there is always the chance that
you'll manage something striking. It took one person of Lady Pixie's
acquaintance only a few minutes to blur together Gwydion son of Don
and Girion, Lord of Dale, into the craft name "Lord Gwyrionin," and
several months to find out that the name he had invented, and used
throughout the local pagan scene, was also the Welsh word for "idiot."
Following a Grand Tradition
Though the ink is barely dry on most of our modern pagan "traditions,"
there's at least one ancient European tradition that many people in the
Craft follow: the tradition of stealing things from non-Western peoples.
Fake Indian craft names are always chic, especially if the closest thing
to contact with Native American spirituality you've ever had is watching
Dances With Wolves at a beer party. Better still, mix whatever Craft
teachings you've absorbed with a few ideas you picked up from a Michael
Harner book, break out the buckskins and the medicine pouches, and
proclaim yourself a shaman. Mind you, there are people out there who
have received real Native American medicine teachings, and they may
just turn you into hamburger if you piss them off; still, that's the risk you
run if you want to be really trendy.
The Random Craft Name Generator
On the other hand, if you are individualistic like everybody else, you
may be looking for a name that expresses the uniqueness of your
personality but still sounds like all the other craft names you've ever
heard. Fortunately, this isn't too hard. Several years back, a gentleman
of Lady Pixie's acquaintance told her that the best way to get laid at a
pagan gathering was to have the PA system announce, "Will Morgan and
Raven please come to the information booth?" Since the resulting crowd
would include at least a third of the female attendees, he went on, it
wouldn't be too hard to meet someone interesting. While Lady Pixie has
not tried this out herself, she has tested the principle behind it in a
series of controlled double-blinded experiments, and discovered a rule
that she has modestly named Moondrip's Law: 80% of all craft names are
made up of the same thirty words combined in various not particularly
imaginative ways. The discovery of this principle has allowed her to
make the once difficult task of creating craft names easy, by means of
the Random Craft Name Generator, release 1.0. To use the RCNG,
take either two or three of the following words (using any convenient
randomizing method, including personal preference). If you take two,
simply run them together; if you take three, one of the words becomes
the first part of the name, and the other two are combined to form the
second.
Wolf Raven Silver Moon Star Water Snow Sea Tree Wind
Cloud Witch Thorn Leaf White Black Green Fire Rowan Swan
Night Red Mist Hawk Feather Eagle Song Sky Storm Sun
Try it out: "Rowan Moonstar." "Raven Blackthorn." "Silver Ravenw..." -
uh, never mind. For the expanded version (RCNG 1.01), come up with a
name by any of the methods covered elsewhere in this guide, or take some
ordinary American name, and add a two-word name produced on the RCNG
to the end: "Gwydion Silvertree." "Sybil Moonwitch." "Squatting Buffalo
Firewater." The possibilities are endless! (Note that this list will
change with shifts in fashion; Lady Pixie expects to bring out an
upgrade to RCNG 2.0 in a year or two.)
Outro
It may be objected by the narrow-minded (who are probably all covert
Christians, anyway) that members of the Craft have better things to do
with their time than the above guidelines would suggest. This shows a
complete lack of insight. First of all, in an increasingly blase and
tolerant culture, it's becoming hard for white middle-class Americans to
get that rush of self-righteous gratification that comes from pretending
to be members of a persecuted minority; we may not be able to get burned
at the stake by calling ourselves silly names, but at least we can get
laughed at, and that's something. Secondly, if we keep on treating craft
names (and the Craft as a whole) as fashion statements, that spares us
the unpleasant drudgery of actually learning magic and making it part of
our lives. Finally, if we're pretentious enough, those people who
actually know enough to magic their way out of a wet paper bag will roll
their eyes and go somewhere else, and we can keep on fighting our witch
wars, casting vast astral whammies and invoking powers we don't have a
clue how to control, all in the serene certainty that no one is actually
going to get hurt. On the other hand, we could take the Craft
seriously...but who wants to do that?
Lady Pixie Moondrip
-- Posted by Kaylara on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Circle Etiquette
Never summon Anything you can't banish.
Never put asafoetida on the rocks in the sweat lodge.
Do not attempt to walk more than 10 paces while wearing all of your ritual jewelry, dream bags and crystals at the same time.
When proposing to initiate someone, do not mention the Great Rite, leer, and say, "Hey, your trad or mine?"
Never laugh at someone who is skyclad. They can see you, too.
Never, ever set the Witch on fire.
Looking at nifty pictures is not a valid path to mastering the ancient grimoires. Please read thoroughly and carefully from beginning to end so that your madness and gibberings will at least make some sense.
A good grasp of ritual and ritual techniques are essential! In the event of a random impaling, or other accidental death amongst the participants, (see next rule) a quick thinker can improvise to ensure successful completion of the Rite. Make them another sacrifice, Demons like those.
Watch where you wave the sharp pointy items.
Avoid walking through disembodied spirits.
Carry an all purpose translators dictionary in case the ritual leader begins talking in some strange and unknown language.
Avoid joining your life force to anything with glowing red eyes.
If asked to sign a contract or pact and you are experiencing doubts or reservations, sign your neighbors name. Malevolent entities rarely ask for photo ID.
Blood is thicker than water. Soak ritual garments an extra 30-45 minutes.
While drunken weaving may be mistaken for ecstatic dancing, slurring the names of Deities is generally considered bad form.
-- Posted by Kaylara on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
ENLIGHTMENT QUIZ
The following is a rest of your level of enlightnment. Score one point for each correct answer, subtract one point for each wrong answer. Add your total number of right answers to the total number of wrong answers, divide by the total number of questions on the test, then wonder why you've tried
to follow it this far.
Select the answer which best completes the following statements:
1. Yin and .........
A) Yout B) Tonic C) Yenta D) Yang
2. A Zen koan is ........
A) Jewish Buddist B) All of the above C) None of the above
D) None of the above
3. Just before total God-realization I would see.......
A) A blue pearl B) Nothing C) Everything D) How would I know?
4) Lao-Tsu is.......
A) Shrimp with fried rice B) The Atman Brothers
C) A Japanese word for sneeze D) One of the above
5) Jivatman and Atman merge to become.......
A) Jivatmanatman B) The Atmnn Brithers
C) Jivatman & Atman Inc. D) Mr & Mrs Atman
6) The word or words which best describes the relationship of God, Guru
And Self is.......
A) Oneness B) Twoness
C) Penpalness D) Just good friends
7) Which of the following is not a name of the Lord?
A) Jehova B) Elohim C) Yahweh D) Charlton Heston
8) If you swap a Swami with a Yogi you get.......
A) A Swogi B) A Salami C) Yogurt D) Heartburn
9) Carlos Castaneda is:
A) a flamingo dancer B) A resort near San Juan
C) The 2nd baseman for D) The gutarist for Santana
The LA Dodgers
10) Om Mani Padme means:
A) O manny, pardon my home B) Money talks, nobody walks in
C) It u cn rd ths msg u cn Sanskrit
Gt a gd jb D) Never having to say you're Sorry
11) The sound of one hand clapping is:
A) Very quiet B) similar to smiling with one lip
C) A Zen record shop D) Like the "p" in swimming
12) Linguine is to fettucine as kundalini is to :
A) Eenie meenie B) Halloweenie C) Harry Houdini
D) Pepto Bismol (this is a silly answer)
13) The Tao Te Ching is:
A) The new premier of China B) A new record by Cheech and Chong
C) I Ching's older brother D) A massage parlor in Tokyo
14) You arrive at a party and your host says, "Far out, I want to take the responsibility for creating space in your universe so you can experience your experience." He means:
A) "Have a good time" B) "Don't eat the Sweedish meatballs"
C) "I just completed est training" D) Nothing anyone would understand
15) If three devotees can meditate for a total of nine hours, how many devotes would it take to mow the lawn?
16) If three devotees can mow the lawn in one hour, how many stoned devotees would it take to meditate until nobody cared?
17) If shakti was rising toward the fourth chakra at a rate of 3.5 pranayamas per second, and at the same time an energy force was traveling in the opposite direction at a rate of 4.8 pranayams per second, what time would it be in Chicago if we woke up in
Los Angles?
True-False
_______Ramakrishna is a cereal made with rice and maple flavoring.
_______Satori is better than nirnana and samadhi except on weekends
and holodays.
_______Sufi dancing is like square dancing only rounder.
_______The Tibetan Book of the Dead is a novel by Harold Robbins.
Score
0-5 points: You are hopelessly attached to the wheel of life and death. Try again next incarnation!
6-10 points You are largely unconscious and stuck in worldly pleasures
10-15 points You are so-so on the enlightment scale. Keep reading the New Sun.
15-20 points You are a very conscious being; with a little good karma you could go a long way.
20-25 points You are very close to God-realization--early November at the latest.
BB Kaylara
-- Posted by eaglewolf on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Finally, more humor, thanks guys!
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Kitchen Witch :
The chicken crossed the road to get food, to get a rooster or to get away from me after I decided to have chicken for supper!
Left Hand Path :
White, fluffy chickens prancing across the road ! Do you think that is all there is to crossing the road? Do you dare to know the Dark Side of crossing the road and the other path to self-development?
New Age :
The chicken crossed the road because she chose this as one her lessons to learn in this life. Besides, there was so much incense and bright, white corn to explore on the Other Side.
Newbie :
well, 'cause I read in this really kewl book that said, like, chickens are supposed to cross the road, right?
--------------------
Keep them coming!
~ew
-- Posted by Kaylara on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Top Ten Cheesy Pick-Up Lines For Pagans
10. Hey babe, what's your sign? What's it's ascendant? What is your planet alignment in Venus during Cancer's revolving around the Fourth House?
9. Read any good Llewellyn Books lately?
8. Would you like to come over to my place and widdershens?
7. Haven't I seen you someplace before in another life?
6. Yes, I'm handfasted, but that's not "technically" marriage.
5. So, do you draw down the moon here often?
4. What's a nymph Goddess like you doing in a place like this?
3. You have the prettiest third eye I've ever seen.
2. You're feet must be tired because you've been Spiral Dancing in my mind "all" night long.
And the Number One Cheesy Pick-Up Line for Pagans to Use at Gatherings is:
1. Is that a May Pole in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
-- Posted by Kaylara on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
You Know Your Coven's Getting Older When...
The ritual feast is pureed.
Last Beltaine the coven decided it would be nice to go out to dinner to celebrate.
The last time you tried to do a spiral dance your oxygen feeds got tangled.
Viagra is kept in the coven supplies.
The maiden of the coven is a grandmother.
The ritual room is outfitted with defibrillators.
The coveners drive their RV's to Scottsdale for Mabon.
When you are at a festival you go to bed at sunset.
It takes the whole coven to move the cauldron.
The high priest still has a vendetta going against Richard Nixon.
You find yourself using your pendulum over the stock pages in the newspaper.
You tell an initiate that in your day you had to slog through five feet of snow uphill both ways when you did a Yule
ritual.
You drop your teeth in the ritual cup.
At Samhain you see more of your coveners in the Wild Hunt than you do in circle.
You put your athame in the chalice during ritual but you can't remember why.
You hold an all night blow-out drum frenzy and none of your neighbors noticed.
You use Glenn Miller records for trance music.
All of your ritual robes are tie-dyed
Your coven has a 401(k) retirement plan.
A nitro pill vial replaces the crystal on your pendant.
No one's successfully jumped the Beltaine fire since 1983.
When the coven sings, "Creak and groan, creak and groan . . ."
When you set comfy chairs around the circle.
When you sit on the floor and can't get up again.
You do anointings with Aspercreme.
The oak tree your coven planted died of old age.
You use Bran Muffins and Prune Juice for Cakes & Ale because you need the extra fiber.
You don't use salt to consecrate you altar because you need to stay away from extra sodium.
You use a walker during the Wild Hunt
You prefer to rent a Hall for rituals because the bathrooms are closer.
You need a flashlight to find the candles.
-- Posted by Kaylara on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
How to Become A Witch in Nine Easy Lessons
In the 1980's it was fashionable to be interested in the New Age. This is now a dreadful faux pas within the alternative scene, and in order to be accepted in the 1990's metaphysical social set, one must have an interest in Witchcraft or Paganism. Of course, you don't have to actually belong to a coven in order to be thought of as a Witch, you can bluff your way into being accepted as a fully fledged Witch simply by knowing a few terms and dressing accordingly. This brings us to...
Rule # 1: Image is Everything. After all, what's the good of being a Witch if nobody knows you are one? You must therefore wear black at all times. If possible, stay out of the sun until you become really pale, as this makes the effect even better. For women (and adventurous males) dark eyeliner and black nail polish can enhance this look. Also wear crystals and cheap occult paraphernalia at all times, and make sure that these are as gaudy and bizarre as possible, as this can only help your image. Wearing a pentacle around your neck is an absolutely necessary accessory - the bigger the better! Capes and cloaks are optional around town - it depends on how much of a visual impact you want to make, but either of these are also crucial apparel at any ritual or gathering that you may attend.
Rule # 2: Name Dropping is Good. Every serious student of The Craft (and I'm talking here about the term for Witchcraft, not macrame) knows the name Gerald Gardner. This man revitalised Witchcraft in the mid 1900's with his book about the true history of The Old Religion (some have called this book pure fiction, but only those picky few who like books to be based on facts). Real Witches however, never let historical accuracy get in the way of their spiritual path, so in conversations with other witches, quote his name as often as possible (in tones of awe) and you will always be rewarded with smiles of acceptance.
Rule # 3: Past Life Name Dropping is Even Better. Tell everyone about the past life memories that have been surfacing since you began studying the Black Arts. It is especially useful to remember a past lifetime as a Witch who was killed during the Inquisition, or at least recall a lifetime as a famous occultist. My past lives have included Aleister Crowley, Cagliostro, Mandrake the Magician, and most of the cast of "Bewitched".
Rule # 4: Behave Strangely. Never forget why it was that you wanted to become a Witch - yes, so that you have an excuse for strange behaviour. Previously labelled eccentric behaviour patterns can now be accepted by others if they have a reason to explain it, even if that reason for howling at full moons while naked is simply, "He/she is a Witch, that's normal for them evidently." So, don't let your friends down, behave strangely, you can get away with it now.
Rule # 5: Watch Occult Movies. Make sure that you watch the movie "Warlock" lots of times to perfect those soft landings after over-indulging with the flying ointments (read as mead and weed).
Rule # 6: Ready Yourself for Sex, Money and Power. Wasn't this the other reason you were drawn to Witchcraft? In the past, adepts of the occult were known to possess charismatic, lusty and powerful personas - when people find out that you are a Witch, they may automatically assume (and therefore empower you) with these same qualities. This may sound pretty good, but unfortunately in today's world, another group of people have become even more established within the realms of kinky sex sessions and unlimited power - yes, the politicians! Beware of this elitist group of power-brokers... they don't want any competition to their manipulative monopoly over the gullible public - hence the laws against Witchcraft and divination that have remained unchanged for centuries. So, if calling yourself a High Priest doesn't lead you to unlimited sex, money and power - or if it does, but you then find yourself as the target of political and legal harassment - you may have to put aside your cloak and broomstick and pick up a pin-stripe suit and a back-bench in Parliament. If you can't beat them, try bribery, then if that doesn't work... join them!
Rule # 7: Atmosphere is Essential. Your home must reflect your Witchy nature. Incense must burn continuously. It's important that visitors see clouds of incense smoke billowing from a spluttering censer in the corner of your dim, dank and dusty home, so dismantle the smoke detectors and start collecting strange little bottles of exotic looking ingredients (use your imagination and label them with names like powdered bat's eyes, or dried dragon's gonads). And if you don't like housework, you can explain that the layer of dust that covers your floors and furniture helps to neutralise the highly charged psychic energy that results from your magical spells, thereby protecting your home and possessions from electromagnetic disintegration.
Rule # 8: Be Patronising to Christians. In social discussions don't forget to make plenty of derogatory remarks about fundamentalist Christians, but remember to save your most biting comments for other Witches that you don't get along with.
Rule # 9: Brag About Your Psychic Powers. Any self-respecting Witch will tell you that after their initiation to Witchcraft, their psychic powers awakened and their tarot cards (which they always carry with them) are now much easier to read (they now get something right once in a while). They will also tell you that they can now sense energy fields (in other words, they don't bump into things as often as they used to). Follow this example and brag about the rapid development of your psychic abilities since your initiation. If asked about your initiation ceremony, simply state that you were sworn to secrecy about it, then quickly change the subject by mentioning your newly awakened ability to detect Ley-lines, but try to remember that a Ley-line is not a queue for the after-ritual orgy!
Now you know how to pass yourself off as a real Witch, so place that broomstick in a conspicuous corner (one that is not clouded by too much incense smoke); pull on those black clothes; give everyone that you meet a sinister look - and your social status will improve overnight. If you do all of this successfully, you may even find yourself with enough adoring acolytes so that you can start your own coven! Good luck and Blessed Be!
-- Posted by Kaylara on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Sorry, I love some of these jokes... I just had to post them...
Blessed Be!
Kaylara
-- Posted by Raven on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Coven Pecking Order
HIGH PRIEST:
Leaps tall buildings at a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water and dictates policy to God.
3RD DEGREE INITIATE:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound, more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water ... if the sea is calm, and talks to God.
2ND DEGREE INITIATE:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is faster than a BB, more powerful than a railroad hand-car, walks on water in a swimming pool, and talks to God ... if a special request is approved.
1ST DEGREE INITIATE:
Clears a small hut, loses the race with a locomotive, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occasionally addressed by God.
NEOPHYTE:
Runs into small buildings, recognizes a locomotive two out of three times, frequently wets self with a water pistol, can do the dog paddle and mostly mumbles to animals.
HIGH PRIESTESS:
Lifts tall buildings to walk under them, kicks locomotives off the track, catches speeding bullets in her teeth and freezes water with a single glance. SHE IS GOD.
[From Pagan Digest, April 1996. Re-telling of the Office Pecking Order.]
-- Posted by Kaylara on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
I LOVE THAT JOKE!!!!!!!!!
-- Posted by semele on 7:00 pm on Dec. 31, 1969
Kudos!!! I love this thread. Thanks for starting it Eaglewolf.
Semele