Searching...

[Zoey]

I've been feeling cut off, bareift, lately. I don't know what to do. My conversations are stilted. My time, only something I want to pass. I feel no real connection to anything. I want to go outside. I want to feel something more than what I can find in my life as it is. It's stale and I'm choking on it.

Everything I read goes over my head or in one ear and out the other. I also have all these ideas and questions but I can't seem to articulate them. A thought forms in my head and I have a general grasp of it but to actually put it into words and ask or discuss it or write it down or just think about it to try to understand it better and I choke. I lose it. And I end up looking dumb. I'm so frustrated.

I know I need to do something...I'm just not sure what. I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing that I end up not doing anything at all and I'm still stuck in this place. Completely alone.

I need the strength to change what I need to.

[Zoey]

I'm so angry. At myself, at everyone around me. I have buried myself so far deep, I'm not even sure of who I am at this point. When I show a peice of myself, my anger, they flinch. Why does that delight me? Why did I bury myself in the first place. "The only way you see yourself is in the reflection of someone else's eyes." That's because they paint a prettier picture of me than I would. But it's not truth.

So here's to my exhumation. May I be brave enough to face myself... :cheers:

[Zoey]

I've started. And this is going to be painful, in more ways than I can even imagine. So be it.

[Zoey]

The ground gives way and warms my bare feet.
Even though they've wandered far, I still have roots.
I forgot about them, but they haven't.
I'm home, and far from it.

I try to be poetic, but I'm just trying to find my place.
The rub...I've been running from it the whole time.
I've been trying to find a place to rest, and that's what's been wrong.
Rest is not the end. Complacency is not the answer.
I lost myself to the slave of catering to others.
I've been looking anywhere but here.
My problem, I do all things out of spite instead of will.
Other's have owned my actions for the longest time.

Now I will own them.

I acknowledge what I've seen, felt and experienced.
Now I will move forward...

[Zoey]

So I went to grama's birthday dinner. All was pleasant and nice. I was getting ready to leave and she kept hugging me, taking hold of my hand, and, I assume, trying to keep me there as long as possible. As I was walking out the door, I could see my grama, just staring at me. She kind of looked like a puppy watching her beloved master leave and unable to do a damned thing about it. I cried on my way home. Just as I'm crying now. I should have hugged her one more time before leaving. I should have been able to remember her birthday without being told. I should think of her more often. She, of all the people in my life, deserves that much. I'll always remember you grama. I may not come around much, but you have a special place in my heart. I'll tell your stories, for I have quite a few to tell. If I ever have children, they'll know your name, even though you're not fond of it. They'll know how you would get boozed up and swing from the support pole in your basement. They'll know how your sense of humor is a little on the demented side. They'll know how you love with your whole heart, and without reservations. I love you grama. Always have, always will.

[Zoey]

Everything is shifting. I can't help but feel relieved. It's like the tectonic plates, and now the tension is not quite so great. Oh it's still there, but a little more bearable now. I've revealed some illusions I've held onto. I'm not even close to being done, but I don't feel the static pressure so much. I'm at least moving now. Of course, I could be moving in circles, but I won't know that unless I keep going and I see the same things over again. "Big Ben, Parliament."

[Zoey]

I think I found something that could be really good for me. I just need to not get freaked out. It's been more years than I can believe since I've even attempted this. I've found my own worth lately and it's given me some confidence. Not much, but enough to do this. I'm more than ready, I'm kinda overdue. I won't fall to the point I did last time. I'll keep me. Of course, I've surrounded myself with stronger people this time. If I go too far, they'll certainly tell me so. Might even pull me back a bit. I won't freak out and abandon this. I've started it. I will see it through.

[Zoey]

I should come to grips with the fact that I'm not supposed to understand...everything. I will figure most of this out with the unfolding of life. I know what I believe and I need to quit trying to make it fit within a label. I believe that there is something out there that is bigger than myself. I do believe that there are more than one because, for lack of a better term, they smell different. Or maybe they just feel different but for some reason I've gotten used to smelling them. I don't know if they're Gods, spirits, or manifestations of an overactive imagination, but they're there all the same. I'm not sure if it matters what my perception of everything is, as long as I acknowledge what I sense.

Magic is not something I want to do. I know that I'm "supposed" to learn it or I'll not know what hit me. It's not that I'm scared of magic, I'm just not that interested in it. I don't want to have that kind of effect on others. I don't like the level of manipulation it takes. It's pissing me off, actually, how manipulative I've become lately. It's not who I am or ever wanted to be. I honestly don't think it's for me.

I've seen the web though. I saw, in a small portion of the infinite web, this great huge knot. I remember wondering how in the world am I going to be able to find my way out of that knot. I also remember when I realized that I'm not supposed to find my way out of it, I'm supposed to experience it.

I apologize for not really listening before. For trying to follow a path that wasn't meant for me. That and myself have held me back from who I really am. When things are thrown my way, I simply know now what to do. I've either ignored or doubted my intuition, as well as myself as a whole. I'm not a philosopher. I'm not a theologist. I'm not an academic. I'm curious, and so far I've only found more questions. The best part is, I' excited to find them out and experience all the pursuit will lead me to.

I will continue to talk to you as I always have. I don't think you mind. I figured out that dream you sent. Thank you for the wake up call. I needed that.

[Zoey]

Everytime I try to speak, someone has to voice thier opinion about who I am or what they think about what I just said. I can remember not saying anything for hours while others talk because I was listening to what they had to say, not just waiting for my turn to talk. I may not be able to spew it back out verbatum, but it's all in my head making up that picture, that feeling, that scent. My head may be in the clouds a lot of the time but, sometimes, it just gives me a better view. To step back and listen to what's happening, to listen to the pulse around me, feel the current and let it sway around me and see where it's heading...

[Zoey]

I'm sick of it turning out like this. Nothing real, nothing new. Same old crap, different day with nothing to look forward to. I know that's my own fault, for not trying hard. I should really start listening. I keep ignoring because I have this stupid sence of "obligation" to others. When am I going to realize my only true obligation is to myself and I'm cheating me out of so much. I heard you a year ago, months ago, last night, and I brushed it aside, and here I am. Still stuck in flight, hovering over my choices and still picking the ones that leave me stationary.

I know it works, and my fear keeps me from it. I am ready to dive. I'll either crash or learn to fly forward. I'm going to have to leave so much behind, and it's gonna hurt. It's time I hurt for my own choices and not what I let others do to me, or choose for me.

Stand and be strong.

[Zoey]

Shallow waters are easy to maneuver. Crossroads loom and I'm scared to choose. I'll be alone if I choose one, dead end another way, I can't see where the last one goes and I know I can't turn back. Wouldn't want to anyway.

Damnit! I hate not being able to see where I'm going. But on I blindly stumble.

[Zoey]

That's quite a bit to think about.

[Zoey]

"I was a dam builder..."

[Zoey]

Today's horoscope...

"Some things are concluding and others are just starting during this passing of the baton. With so many planets now in your 12th House of Endings, there are plenty of unseen forces at work. Listen carefully for the subtle messages coming from your subconscious mind, for they can help guide you through the days ahead."

Figures...

[Vigdisdotter]

Start by reconnecting to your body. Rediscover yourself, what makes you beautiful, charming and fun. Relearn what you enjoy then go and do it. Do it for yourself; it all starts with you.

[Zoey]

Whizzing thoughts and muddy dreams. My head hurts and I can't make anything stop. I know these aren't mine. No wonder forcing out.

[Zoey]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeGdNlLgVak

repeating...oh well...

[Zoey]

So a friend of mine died of an overdose on Monday, or Tuesday. People keep telling me a different day.

He was a gentle person. Quiet and soft spoken when he did speak. I hadn't talked to him in a couple years and now he's gone. He didn't do it on purpose, but I bet not many people do. Xanax, pot, alcohol and cocaine. Probably a cocktail he's mixed before, but this time, he didn't wake up.

His daughter's birthday is tomorrow. Poor girl has to go through life without him now. Coming from a "daddy's girl" perspective, I'm very sad for her.

With everything else that's been going on...I've been thinking a lot. I think it's time to grow up a bit more. My lifestyle isn't going to get me anywhere except a grave. And now just to find a way to get out, and start over.

[Zoey]

I'm not ignoring you, just...ok. So I am. I wish the words weren't so strange. The images more coherent. I'll figure it out, but I need a break. I don't feel the need, nevermind the want. It's hard damnit! Quoting the ever-wise child. Maybe I started too late. Maybe I did it for the wrong reasons. Maybe I just don't believe. Still trying to strike that cord but it's flat, or maybe sharp (is that why it hurts?). I'm quiet so I can hear, but it either comes too loud and I end up reeling or I still have to strain to gather it all up. I know you're there. I'm just not certain who you are. Maybe that's not important. What is important is that I figure it out on my own terms. I know me. I swallow it without question or spit it right back out on reflex. Doing either without tasting first.

Ding ding ding. I think I've caught a clue.

Alright then.

Thanks. :cheers:

[Zoey]

Torn. I finally mentioned moving out of state to my parents and I could tell my mom didn't like it. I feel guilty for wanting to leave with her in the condition she's in but...I can't do what I wanna do here. If I stay here, I'll live and die unhappy. I know all the other birdie's have flown the coop but that doesn't bind me to stay out of obligation. Plus, I can't stand to watch her waste away so slowly anymore. I know...excuses, excuses. Putting those aside...this is what I want, need, feel driven to do. It's not that the grass is greener on the other side...it's just different grass. I'm tired of the same blades cutting and staining me. New experiences, change, possibilities and the need to see if I can do it. Challenge.

My life here is narrowed before me in a dank and dingy rut. Spinning my wheels and going nowhere. Might not be different somewhere else, but you never know 'til ya try.

[Zoey]

When you turn your like upside down for external reasons it's real hard to figure out who you are, what you want and what you believe. What I did was wrong. The reasons for why I did it were wrong. The way I did it was wrong.

I need help getting back to where I should be. A point in the right direction, a whisper of a clue, a helping hand. Hell, I don't know. A sign maybe. I want to go home, where this crushing, caged feeling can lessen and I can breathe again. I feel it as a pressure on my temples, causing a perpetual headache. I'm tired of it. The vice grip crushing my spirit. Or what's left of it.

Most important...I need a lesson in letting go. Not banishing, or crushing so hard it flees, just...letting go. Peacefully, naturally, willingly. I don't want to cut my ties, or burn them, or destroy them in any way. I just want to untie them. In the past, I burned my bridges completely. It was all or nothing. I'm sorry for that. I didn't truly realize what I was doing but, hindsight is 20/20. I can see the rippling effects it has had on my life and I don't wanna do that any more.

I wanna step on their toes, not cut them off.

I want to meet new people, experience new things. And as stupid as this sounds, I want to give a shit about myself again. My body, my mind, my life, my spirituality. And I want to not be afraid of the actual execution of these goals. Instead of just sitting here, spinning out pretty thoughts, but that's as far as it goes.

My vice is sloth. I want to re-roll my character sheet and pick a new one. Maybe lust or greed. At least those would take me somewhere. Yes, yes, I know. Be careful what you wish for. But those sure do sound more interesting.:deviltail

I want to have more confidence in myself. I'm too afraid of sounding stupid so I don't say anything. I listen to some people and it's amazing the crap that comes out of their mouths. Like they have no filter from brain to mouth. So I have filter upon filter upon filter. So much so that the only thing left to come out of my mouth is "Um...". I want to not be afraid of voicing my opinion and asking those hard, awkward questions.

I want to stop letting one, just one, bad, horrible, no good experience rule every aspect of my life. Others have gone through much worse and they can move forward through their obstacles. It was years ago for crying out loud! Who cares?!? I know I shouldn't. I think this is where I'm stuck. I was a much different person before it. I took chances, made new friends and everything was a new experience.

And shit! There I go again. Dwelling on the past. That's the most disgusting part of myself to me. Dwelling. I wanna tell myself to get over it already.

Is this how you start to go crazy? Talking to yourself? I'm not even drunk or anything. :lol:

The Bell Jar.

Ok. Now I'm starting to ramble.

Four months to get my finances in order. Then I can put to action some ideas. (Procrastinate now! Or later...) See! Sloth.

Anyway...

Thanks for listening.

[Zoey]

Thank you.

[Xentor]

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