Rævyn Cigány
April 6th, 2001, 04:52 AM
This is slightly modified for my mostly pagan audience
It was getting a little crowded in the Summerland, so the Goddess decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into the Summerland, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died.The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the Summerland. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man,
"Before i let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going before you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having and affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of the was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So the Angel announced, "Okay sir. Welcome to the Summerland!," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died. "
"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push is refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. I falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this policy," he thinks to himself.
"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Summerland," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The Angel says, "Please tell me how you died."
The third man says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator......"
********************************************
A catholic priest and nun were out having a round of
golf. The priest stepped up to the tee and took a mighty
swing. He missed the ball entirely and said, "Shit, I
missed."
Sister Marie told him to watch his language.
At the next tee he missed again, "Shit, I missed"
"Father, I am not going to play with you if you keep
swearing" The priest promises to do better.
At the next tee he misses again, and the usual
reply, "Shit, I missed" Sister Marie is really mad now and says, "Father, God
is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that"
At the next tee, the priest misses, swears, "Shit, I
missed" Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt of lightning which
strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
Then the sky opens up and a big booming voice
says, "Shit, I missed!
*******************************************
Six presidents are on a sinking ship.
Ford says, "What do we do???"
Bush says, "Man the life boats!"
Reagan says, "What lifeboats?"
Carter says, "Women first!"
Nixon says, "Screw the women!"
Clinton says, "You think we have time?"
It was getting a little crowded in the Summerland, so the Goddess decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into the Summerland, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died.The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the Summerland. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man,
"Before i let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going before you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having and affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of the was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So the Angel announced, "Okay sir. Welcome to the Summerland!," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died. "
"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push is refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. I falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this policy," he thinks to himself.
"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Summerland," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The Angel says, "Please tell me how you died."
The third man says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator......"
********************************************
A catholic priest and nun were out having a round of
golf. The priest stepped up to the tee and took a mighty
swing. He missed the ball entirely and said, "Shit, I
missed."
Sister Marie told him to watch his language.
At the next tee he missed again, "Shit, I missed"
"Father, I am not going to play with you if you keep
swearing" The priest promises to do better.
At the next tee he misses again, and the usual
reply, "Shit, I missed" Sister Marie is really mad now and says, "Father, God
is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that"
At the next tee, the priest misses, swears, "Shit, I
missed" Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt of lightning which
strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
Then the sky opens up and a big booming voice
says, "Shit, I missed!
*******************************************
Six presidents are on a sinking ship.
Ford says, "What do we do???"
Bush says, "Man the life boats!"
Reagan says, "What lifeboats?"
Carter says, "Women first!"
Nixon says, "Screw the women!"
Clinton says, "You think we have time?"