Melysande's Personal Altar

[Melysande]

Great Ones,

I'm grateful for my friends and family. I'm grateful for this new home-away-from-home. I'm grateful that I'll have my phone line back again in a couple days (as soon as the phone company fixes the lines a large truck brought down). I'm grateful that I'm doing well on my diet. I'm grateful that I'll be visiting my dearest friends in October. I'm grateful for all the time I spent with tika (and I hope he's well, wherever he his now, and that I'll get to see him again one day). I'm grateful for my job, that lets me pay my bills, get good things, and help people out on occasion. I'm grateful that my mood has improved since I finished redecorating my room. I'm grateful that Spring is nearly here again, and that this year is already a third of the way done.

Please, take care of my heart-sister and her family through her grandparents' illness. Let my two dearest friends (who are engaged) find a way to be together in the same state by this time next year. Let another of my sisters find find the perfect job, and soon. Give my brother more (and more-healthful) food to eat. Give another brother a job so that he might pay for his house and provide for his wife and children. Comfort my sister Azure in the loss of her grandmother. Give luck to my coworker in his search for his dream house.

B*B

[Melysande]

(And of course we all know I don't really leave candles burning--especially those in an oil warmer--unattended for hours on end in real life.)


**sits before a thick, white pillar candle on the altar, watching the way the flame glints off the gold of Aset's body and wings and thinks on her, and Seshat, Djehuty, Wesir, Heru, Ma'at, Het-hert and all of the rest, as well as Hera and the Holly King**

I'm grateful that Spring is on its way. I'm grateful that today was a gorgeous, sunny day, and that that weekend will be in the 60s. I'm grateful that I'm getting my taxes done this weekend. I'm grateful that tomorrow is Friday. I'm grateful that I finally have stuff to do this week at work. I'm grateful for my family, and for my friends (who are soul family) and my online family. I'm grateful for the Internet and Instant Messenger modules and e-mail, all of which are effective, and a lot cheaper than long-distance phone calls. I'm grateful that MW is here, and that I wasn't summarily booted out for bringing an army. **laughs a little at the mental image**I'm grateful for all of the books I have left to read. (Now if only I can find the time to read them...) I'm grateful for sugarless gum, which lets me have something tasty to chew, but only 5 calories per piece. I'm grateful that I'll be going to bed soon.

Great Ones, I haven't actually read most of the threads here, but please give jobs and happiness to those that are seeking employment, good fortune to those in need of money and give comfort and support to those who are in mourning or about to be in mourning. And watch over expectant moms (and the dads, too ;)), babies and children. **good-natured smile and a wink at the statue** Thanks in advance.

~ B*B and Senebty ~

**snuffs the candles with a sterling silver candle snuffer and goes offline to her real-life bed**

[Melysande]

**sits in her chair--too tired to actually walk the seven feet to her altar**

I'm grateful that today is finally over and that I'm going to bed in a couple minutes. I'm grateful for Chinese food. I'm grateful for being able to sleep in. I'm grateful for good friends and good family (even when we all drive each other bonkers).

I hope you'll let DT's lost prairie dog be found safe and sound and be returned to its loving home.

[Melysande]

**sits in front of her altar and sighs**

I think the only good things that happened today are that I got to sleep in, had a dream about a visit from tika, I got to laugh a bit in the Oops and Cloud & Tree threads, and I had fried haddock for dinner. So, I'll be happily grateful for those things. I'll also be grateful for having a day off, not having to worry about taxes again for another whole year, and grateful that I don't owe the government any more money than what the accountant says I owe.

Could you please give a mental flick on the ear to the yahboh that made the mistake on the W-4 form I filled out?

A Enter "1" for yourself if no one else can claim you as a dependent.

B Enter "1" if you are single and have only one job.

So I did. 1 for A and 1 for B. That's 2. And on my W-2 form, it gave me 2 dependents. I don't HAVE any dependents. (And in fact, that's part D: Enter the number of dependents other than yourself: 0, which I put down.) Dweebs!

And if you can make it so I never go on Unemployment ever again, I'll be infinitely grateful. Embarrassing to go through, and incredibly annoying to have to pay so much for it later on.

**sighs** Guess that means I should also be grateful for my job. It IS a good job. Just wish the subject matter was more interesting.

I hope tomorrow is better and more relaxing.

B*B and Senebty.

[Melysande]

I'm grateful for having heard from friends today that I haven't heard from in a long while. Im grateful for getting to sleep in this morning. I'm grateful for the Internet and for Harry Potter audio tapes. I'm grateful for the fun dream about the black miniature horse. (Want one of those in the waking world. They're so cute!)

I'm hoping to wake up in the morning and have a more positive outlook on my job and on my diet.

B*B

[Melysande]

**Mel sits in front of her altar, lights the candles and jasmine incense, and stills her thoughts for a few moments**

Great Ones, I'm grateful that the weather was so nice today. I'm grateful that I had enough work to do today to make me comfortably busy. I'm grateful for this wonderful site and the the old friends and the new. I'm grateful for so many close friends (close in spirit, anyway, since all of them are in different states). I'm grateful for my family (even though some days, I'd rather just disown them). I'm grateful beyond words for all of the wonderful time I shared with tika, and grateful that he still visits once in awhile. I'm grateful for having friends to listen to my problems as well as my triumphs. I'm grateful that I can be there for them as well. I'm grateful for the delicious salad I had for lunch and the lovely baked haddock I had for dinner. I'm grateful that tomorrow is Friday. I'm grateful that my OSP article doesn't have to be written until next month (thank you, thank you, thank you!). I'm grateful that tomorrow is payday. I'm grateful that I have 19 vacation days left to use this year. I'm grateful that I will be using some of those days to meet my friends for the first time.

[Melysande]

**sits happily in front of her online altar (which is almost an exact replica of her real one)**

Great Ones, I'm very grateful for today. It started wonderfully and ended wonderfully, too. May every day in the future be as good or better.

I'm grateful for my old online home for the simple reason that, without it, I wouldn't have my dearest friends or possibilites for an incredible future.

And I'm grateful for those friends. I'd be lost without you all.

I'm grateful that my ankh pendant came today in the mail. It's lovely and it feels just right on me.

~ Em ma'at ~

[Melysande]

**Smiling at the sight of her beautiful altar, Melysande arranges a bouquet of fresh spring daffodils in the cobalt blue vase near the statue of Aset**

It's been awhile since I was last here at the online version of the altar. Great Ones, thank you for letting me get all of my work done, for giving me the flood that I asked for (**still chuckles over that one**) and for giving me the greatest friends I could ever ask for. All of them. Thank you for the new song that a friend gave me tonight. It's made it to my Top 20 list (possibly higher than that). He said, "You *need* this song," and he was surprisingly right. This song fits my mood perfectly, for all that it has a depressing-sounding title (Wasting My Time).

I'm grateful for today. It was a gorgeous one. And the night air is wonderful and refreshing, too. Excellent sleeping weather.

I'm grateful for self discipline. Someone dragged up an old thread of mine on the site I used to post to, and I very nearly posted, just for the heck of it. But there's nothing there for me, really. And it's my guess that the site won't be there at all by the end of the year, of not sooner. Better to not get reattached to anything that will only be severed rudely later on.

I'm grateful for my favorite pair of black sandals that are just the right height off the ground. I'm grateful that I fit comfortably into a pair of jeans that I couldn't wear a few months ago. I'm grateful for losing another pound.

I'm grateful for my new hula hoop, and for having the independent streak that lets me buy a sparkly purple and silver hula hoop without caring too much what other people think.

I'm grateful for every moment I spent with tika, and for all the visits I think I've received from him since. I want him to be the first one I see when it's my time.

I'm grateful that it's nighttime, and that I'm going to bed now.

B*B and Senebty,

Melysande

[Melysande]

Great Ones,

Thank you for letting me find time to get outside and undo more of the damage my dad did to the backyard. The land seems lifeless now. I hope you will add your blessings to the creation of this memorial sanctuary I wish to create. I hope you will guide me in choosing the right plants and decorations, and I hope the plants will thrive and bring life back to at least this one section of the yard.

I also thank you that I didn't get any blisters today for my efforts. :)

Thank you for the great night's sleep I got last night.

Thank you for the love of my friends and family, all of them.

[Melysande]

**Melysande wanders into her altar thread, lovingly touches the delicate golden shoulder of the Isis statue on the small table, and then decides to walk to her sacred space in Fallen Pines. She meanders along the narrow path through the woods edging Breed's Pond, ascends the trail until she passes through two slender birch trees and gazes upon the rocky outcropping with the prostrate pine trees that are still alive and growing. Then she steps carefully down the other side and looks out on the water sparkling in the sunlight and lapping at the shore. She sits down on a smooth stone at the water's edge and watches the Canada geese fly by honking and land in the water on the far side of the pond. The light, woodsy-scented breeze (with a hint of ocean) stirs her dark hair and tickles her nose. The sun warms her face, kisses her lips, and caresses her pale, bare arms and legs as she takes in the quiet beauty. A dragonfly hovers nearby for a moment , flashing like a bronze and green jewel.**

Not really sure why I'm here. I can't actually go here in the real world anymore. Not since the drunk and the prostitute were there making out. But something about this place still calls to me, still feels like it was made for my peace of mind. I'm feeling so restless lately. Not much I can do about it, either. I'm glad I've been wasting my time productively, and glad I've lost 14 pounds (as of this morning). But now what? I know we're supposed to make our own destinies and not believe that we have any kind of fate, but some days it sure feels like there's something I'm supposed to be doing. Just wish I knew what it was so I could go about doing it. I miss tika, too. Without him at home to fill in the silent hours, I've got nothing to really distract me from this whatever-it-is that keeps worrying at the corners of my mind. **picks up a few small pebbles and tosses them into the water, one by one** I'm in a funk. I'm not happy doing what I'm doing, but I haven't seen anything I want to be doing elsewhere. Work is work, no matter where I go or what I do.

**The sun begins to sink behind the trees across the way, and still Mel sits there lost in thought.**

I was so happy to get Buffy: The Musical. I've listened to it all day. But the songs I keep listening to most often are "Going Through The Motions" and "Drawn To The Fire." I've felt like those two songs all day long. So. How do I get the fire back? What will make my heart sing as much as the rest of me does? Guess that makes me Girl with a mission.... Mission Girl. Let's hope it's not Mission Impossible, huh? **smiles weakly at the Ones listening**

Logic (me and logic...? No good can possibly come of this) dictates that I should make a list of all of the things that I want. The things that will make me happy. Hmm. Sounds like familiar territory. **slips back into the real world to look at her old "Goals" file** Here it is, so far:

1. Lose weight

2. Get a job I will LOVE.

3. Visit my friends frequently

4. Sing

5. Have a house of my own, with lots of land

6. Set up that 100-gal aquarium, finally

7. Make love

8. Get married

9. Have children

10. Do volunteer work at a horse rehabilitation farm, or else adopt horses and/or burros from the BLM

11. Have my own tavern/theatre/temple


So. I'm working on 1, planning to do 2 in the near future if at all possible, and aiming to start doing 3 at Samhain. I do 4 as is, but just not with a group (which is what I would like to do). 5 is my medium-range goal. 6 will only happen after 5 happens because dad is a jerk. 7, 8, and 9 **tosses hands in the air** No clue. You'd know better than I. 10, a later on in life project. 11, a later-still-on-in life project. :p

Peachy. It's a start. Now I just need to figure out what else I want. And since the sun has set and my stomach is rumbling, I'm going to continue that thought another time.

**Mel bids farewell to the woods and walks back home in the twilight.**

[Melysande]

Great Ones ~

Thank you for the dream visit last night from tika. It was comforting, as always.

Thank you for the plans I have to visit my wonderful friends this year. (And thank you for the friends themselves, too.)

I'm still thinking about last night's tarot reading. I know that there is "much success to be had" if I "take the initiative" to make it happen. I just want this year to go the way planned it. I want to clean my room because it needs it desperately. I want to order plants for my shade garden and make it look lovely before I go on vacation. I want to have the time of my life in Colorado on vacation. I want to buy a new bedroom set. I want to have still another great vacation in Alabama. I want to lose another 50 lbs. by that vacation. I want to look for my dream job after that vacation. And I want to move out of my parents' house. In that order, if at all possible. Unless You've got other plans. . .

**soft smile**

Senebty, Netjeru.

[Melysande]

I'm grateful for a gorgeous day. I'm grateful for having gotten all of my Mother's Day gifts. I'm grateful for having lost 52 lbs since January of 2001. I'm grateful that I'm doing so well and that I have encouragement and support to lose the remaining 106 lbs. I'm grateful for the trips I've got planned this year. I'm grateful for this new art hobby. (I've been in much need of a creative outlet.) I'm grateful that my hair is getting so long. (It hasn't been this long since I was in first grade.) I'm grateful that, even though my mother has been in my room twice recently, she hasn't noticed my altar. (How she could miss it, I don't know. But I'm very glad she hasn't noticed it.)

Bless my friends. All of them. Let them all achieve all that their hearts desire and let them leave a long-lasting, positive mark on the world that will influence others for ages after they've gone to their reward.

As for me.... when I retire, I want to live in my very own Pagan temple, tend the gardens and my animals, and have a library.

[Melysande]

**Places a picture as an offering on her online altar**

Bast, Great Lady, I promised You this back in January. I'm sorry it's a bit late.

Thank You All for letting me give my mom a good Mother's Day. Please give me strength and allow me to achieve the right frame of mind and much patience to deal with work this week.

[Melysande]

**Mel smiles at the thoughtful, beautiful blessing she'd seen on Azure's altar, and then gazes on her own golden Isis on her altar. Using a mister, she sprays the delicate orchids growing nearby. She takes her bottle of jasmine essential oil and brushes parts of the Isis statue with her oiled fingers. She then lights the two white candles and the sage green center one, and fills a cobalt blue goblet with fresh spring water. Then she picks up a red wax lump shaped like a real human heart that contains a piece of Colorado and cradles it lovingly in her left hand. She sits before her altar and picks up her cobalt blue Seshat/Ma'at ostrich feather pen and a special notebook, and starts to write**

Great Ones, thank you for all of my friends. Losing tika was the hardest thing that's ever happened to me, and if I didn't have my friends, I don't think I'd be here now. I love them all so much. **gentle smile**

Thank you for today's TNG episode, "Tapestries." I got the message. And I'm glad I didn't have to get stabbed in the back by a Nausicaan to get your drift. "Playing it safe" isn't a stellar strategy: it would keep me alive, but is that really living?

Thank you for helping me lose 20 lbs. Now, if I can just stop falling off the wagon so I can lose the rest. I'm five lbs. heavier now than I was when I graduated college, and 25 lbs. heavier than when I graduated high school. I wasn't thin then, but I looked and felt a lot better then than I do now. The past two weeks have been pretty lousy for me, weight-wise. I only just barely lost a pound this last week. I really need to do better. And I need to get back to exercising regularly. It's the only thing that's really going to help me.

Thank you for the vacations I'm going on this year. They still don't seem really real, and they probably won't until about a week beforehand.

Thank you for keeping the "Are you crazy" panic from rearing its ugly head. So far, I've only felt it once, one morning when I woke up and rolled over in bed. But I managed to brush it away fast enough. It's been odd that I've been able to do this so easily. Two months ago, I wouldn't have been feeling like this was Right. And now I do. And I've got Hylarr and tika and the rest of my spirit guides, all of You, and my friends to help me. Things will be all right. Wherever I am. I'm sure of it.

I think that looking for job right now may be unrealistic. But in the weeks leading up to the move, I would like to activate a resume that has Colorado contact information on it, so that hopefully, by the time I arrive, I will be able to go on interviews and get a job right off the bat. Just please don't let me be a burden at all. Five months was a long time to find a job last time. This time, I'd like to find one right away, and keep it, and like it.

I've tried going through all of my stuff to see what I can get rid of. I found that I've already thrown away everything I'm willing to throw away. There are some things I don't need, but I don't want to throw them out. I need to see what I can do about giving them away since I can't have a yardsale. Well.... that's not exactly true. I can convince my parents that they ought to have one. It's not that I want money. It's that I want to see my beloved things find good homes. I was hoping to save my toys for my children when I had them, but I may give them to my cousin Tracy for her daughter, instead. Poor little thing has nothing and her parents are complete idiots. I have some games that I can leave here, since they weren't mine to begin with. They belonged to my parents originally. I've got a ton of clothes I'm hoping to give to charity because, with persistence and perseverance, they'll be far too large for me to ever wear again.

I'm still not sure what to do about the floor in here. I'm hoping I can just get a nice, cheap rug to cover the whole floor. But I don't know. I may still just cut my parents a check for when they get wall-to-wall carpeting in the whole house. I don't even necessarily have to pay for it now. I'm sure they'd let me get a job first. That's the beauty of them being my parents. **smiles** They know I'm good for it.

I guess, in all this rambling, I'm saying thank you for my life, and for not allowing me to let opportunities pass me by. Thank you for my hopes and my dreams, and for the drive to achieve them, and the friends to give me moral support when I need it.

**she fondles the red wax heart with a mountain stone inside it** My piece of Colorado. It is said that home is where the heart is. So mote it be. **she places the heart stone back on the altar, where it will lie until she personally returns it to where it came from**

Dua Netjeru
Senebty
B*B

**she extinguishes the candles with the stainless steel gingko leaf candle snuffer and leaves the way she came**

[Melysande]

**looks at the small brass, heart-shaped frame with the picture of tika in it on her altar and picks it up lovingly and whispers**

Hey there, little bird. Can you make sure Steph's Jake is okay, huh? He's a really nice dog.

**kisses the picture**

Love you, tik'.

**puts the picture back down on her altar and leaves the way she came**

[Melysande]

Mel sits before her altar and lights the candles and looks things over contemplatively for a moment. Then she grips Isis's shoulder with her left index finger and thumb, smiles warmly and says hello to her goddess. She folds her hands in her lap and looks into the goddess's eyes entreatingly.

"Lady, I hope you and Seshat and the other Netjeru will grant me the patience I need to deal with my mother when she starts talking like an idiot. I'm not canceling my trip and I'm not going to have any 'personality problems' with my friends and there will be nothing wrong with the frelling sheets! **sighs** Why does she keep trying to make me miserable? For the past year and a half, I've talked more to these people each day than I do to her. I have more in common with them than I ever had with her. I'm going to have a good time. I'll be fine. Why can't she get that through her head? And please, would you mind giving her a couple proverbial thumps on her pumpkin head for thinking that anyone is going to take advantage of me? They're FRIENDS. Friends don't do that. I know she loves me, but I swear she thinks I'm a total moron....."

Mel sighs again, closes her eyes and senses the warmth and brightness of the candlelight on her eyelids as she tries to center herself.

[Melysande]

Aset, Queen of Heaven and Protectress of her Child. I, too, am one of yours and in need of protection. Goddess, grant me safe passage in my travels. Make this journey a good one, please, and keep me safely enfolded in your wings, Lady.

Seshat, Keeper of the House of Records and owner of my head, grant me safe passage in my travels, that I may record my tales faithfully in my journal.

Senebty, Great Ones.

[Melysande]

**contemplates the past week in silence before her altar for a few minutes**

Dua, Neteru, for the most wonderful time I've had in my entire life. Thank you also for letting me meet and spend such good times with three of the dearest people to me in the whole world. Thank you for their support, their comfort, their friendship, and their laughter. Thank you for guiding me to them and to Colorado. Thank you for making the trip go so smoothly. Thank you for allowing me to prove to my blood relatives that I'm all grown up now and that I am the one, of all of my family, who had the courage to go to a new place, alone, to be with people I've never met, and do things I've never done. Thank you for the sheer beauty of that land and all of its rocky formations, it's vast grassy expanses, its truly majestic (and truly) purple mountains, its wild animals and domesticated ones, its plant life and its enormous sky. This place and my friends healed a large festering wound deep inside of me. Thank you for sparing my luggage from the fate of so many other pieces of baggage last night. Thank you for the Internet, without which, I'd never have met my soul family or been able to plan this trip so well. Thank you for the family of my heart sister, who made me feel so welcome during my stay. (It's been my experience that family of friends are never so hospitable and openly nice.) Thank you for the dryness of that state, seeing as it was so hot there. Thank you for not letting me get air sick or altitude sick. Thank you for not letting me get a sunburn, and thank you for keeping me from gaining any weight while I was there. Thank you for the peace, the quiet, the darkness, the sunlight, and the freedom to just be myself in all of my insane yet loveable glory.

Please let me go back there someday soon. And let me find good work once I'm there.

One obstacle down: I told Mom and Dad that I want to move out there. Next obstacle will be to tell them *when*.

The next thing on my to do list is to get my pictures back on Wednesday. Then I have to go to New Hampshire for a family cookout. Please let it go well. At least I'll have plenty of pictures and stories to tell. Thank you for that.

And then, I just want to have to deal with AMR until about the middle of August before giving my notice. Please let my sisters be stable by then so that I'm not a burden.

Then, my plan (unless you have a better one, nai?) is to pack, and move out when Wanderer and Nallia drive out here, and then we all have a problem free trip back.

There is a trip planned for October, too. Please let that trip go at least as smoothly and let me meet and laugh and spend time with the rest of my wonderful friends.

After that, please.... Help! It's that great fear of mine called "The Unknown." Where will I live, how will I live, will I find work soon, and where, and will I like it, and will I ever learn to drive comfortably out there....

My cards keep telling me to "Go For It" and to "Worry About One Thing At A Time." Here's hoping I don't land on my face and that while I'm only worrying about one thing at a time, the other things don't gang up on me from behind.

Well Wishes.... To Wanderer for her grandmother, to Nallia for Mika and for her dental pain and her unfinished story, to Phoenix for his stepfather, to Azure for her new puppy and for her potential mate angst and internal turmoil. And hugs for anyone else who needs them, too.

B*B, Senebty.....

[Melysande]

**sits forelornly before the altar and gazes into Aset's eyes entreatingly**

Please, Lady. Help me find the patience to deal with my parents. I thought the battle was won the other night when I said I wanted to move to Colorado. Evidently not. (I should have known better.) Now, my dad thinks I'm not thinking things through and that I'm acting impulsively, because after all, I've only visited this place once, and I don't really know these people. He doesn't know that I've been considering this for the past year and a half. And he thinks that I'm not ready to be out on my own. I should have asked him what "unimpulsive and well thought out" plan he would have me ascribe to. Am I supposed to visit twice? Six times? Several years? A decade before I make my decision? Oh, right. If it were him, he wouldn't move at all. He'd be content to just visit. Or more accurately, he would be content to just think about visiting but never get off his sorry arse to DO anything about it.

He asked, "What about when your friend gets married in 2005 or whenever it is and moves out.....?" The doofus never stopped to think about how old I'll be then: I will be TWENTY-EIGHT. Quite old enough, thank you.

I truly think that he thinks I won't be ready to move out even when I'm in my 50s.... or my 90s, for that matter.

At that point in the conversation, my brother entered the room and joked by saying that we were all arguing like little kids. (We weren't, and I had no problem with his joke because I know he was just kidding.) First words out of my dad's mouth were, "There's only one little kid in this room and she's sitting right there," while he pointed at me.

My parents are driving me mental, almost to the point where I want to rip every hair out of my head and drown my sorrows in several bottles of cheap wine.

I can't stand it here. The place, the people, the pollution, and the humidity SUCK.

I'm not being impetuous and I've been more than ready to leave (albeit not so experience-ready for it) since I was 18. I've waited 7 years for the "right" time to get out of here. (I tried once before when I was 23, and my parents decided to call me Ungrateful guilt me into staying.) I don't think I'm acting hastily and I do think I'm more than old enough.

I think they're just scared. Their little girl is going to go off to live her dreams and her life. And they will be left behind. My dad always wanted to move to Arizona when he retired. But I think he was trying to convince himself that he really couldn't. I think now he feels that if his own poor, helpless, frail, naive, stupid daughter can do it, he'll have to put his money where his mouth is and make the move himself.

Gods, is it any wonder I'm so tired all the time? This place is leeching the life right out of me.

[Melysande]

**sits in front of her altar and looks on as the candles burn low in their holders**

Great Ones, I know you seem to keep telling me that everything is going to be okay and that this is the right thing to be doing, but please..... don't let this turn out to be a mistake. I was looking tonight at job listings, and I don't qualify for very many of them at all. And as much as I adore horses, mucking their stalls and feeding them for a measley $7/hr is not my idea of a stellar career move.

I can edit. I can do graphic design. And I know I can do a bunch of other things, too (even teach--although no one would hire me because I'm not a certified teacher with a degree in education). **laughs** I can even read tarot cards (just not particularly well) for those 900-number places. Nearly wound up doing that one last time I was unemployed.

I know it's still a tad early (from my POV, anyway) to be looking for jobs to apply for, but please.... when I get there, let me find the right job for me, or at least the right full-time or part-time job until the *real* right job for me (conveniently located! No more of this Montana and Wyoming stuff, please) comes along.

[Melysande]

**sighs** I was all set this morning to decide not to go anywhere. Leave it to you to give me *literate* friends. I have no idea how the hell I'm going to pay for this. I'm going to need lots of good money in rather short order.

**shakes head slowly** Looking back on my life, it's all becoming clear that so many of the things of my life (all of the things, really, but not in ways I see at the moment) have led up to where I am now and where I'm going to be at every moment in the future (personally, not place-wise). I had to be inclined toward Witchiness so that I could find my friends. I had to be book-smart to get to this job and not have any college bills. I had to get my job at Penton to get my car, life experience, and money. I had to be unemployed for so long and friendless for so long to finally wander over to BNet one weird, jobless day, just to find all of my best friends. (That they were all in one place is still something that amazes me.) It was the loss of tika that finally made me decide to dedicate myself to this new path, and it was the loss of tika that made it possible for me have one blissful week of vacation that I couldn't have had otherwise (because the plane trip would have made him literally die of fright, so I wouldn't have gone). And it was that one week of vacation that made me want to be back there again so soon, to live there.

I can see so many possibilities open to me if I do go there. It's getting there and surviving (without racking up a huge debt) until I find a good job that has me scared silly.

This one last vacation trip in October is also very important to me. I promised to meet the rest of my friends this year, during that trip, and I don't see how I can have my cake and eat it, too. **is still pleased with herself for finally understanding what that expression means**

I'm not used to living on a lean budget, and it's not something I want to have to get used to. I *like* money. I like having it to buy the things I want without worrying so much about whether I can afford it.

Please don't let me fall flat on my face or my buttocks (or any other part of my anatomy, for that matter).

[Melysande]

**Mel is on West Beach, sitting on a high, rocky outcropping and looking down at the incoming tide as the water crashes against the rock 10 feet below her**

Doing this on occasion will be something I'll miss. It's not often that I go to the beach, but always the option is there. For the moment.

I haven't applied for that job just yet. I have to do it tonight after I pick up my pills.

It's so hard for me to focus on doing any work during the day. I just don't want to be here and doing any of it.

I'm a bit depressed that I worked so hard on putting that stuff on my DA page only to have some idiots mess it up. I just don't understand why people are like that. It was just a random attack and served no real purpose other than being something that depressed me. I'm not used to having people say things like that to me anymore. I thought I'd escaped that forever. I guess not.

Worst part is, I didn't think it was such a bad picture of me. (If it had been bad, I would never have posted it there.) All I see in it is how much I've lost. All those people see is how much I still am.

I'm trying. I really am. I don't want to be this weight forever. But I'm not out to please anyone, either. If I was officially "thin," and that dork had said something like that to a large person standing next to me, I'm be inclined to clean her clock. That's just one thing that makes me go a bit ballistic.

I guess I just feel a bit raw inside. I'm mad, I'm upset, and there's nothing I can do. Raging against her would only egg her on further. Hunting her down in person and clawing her face until I was sure she'd be scarred for life would make me feel better, but it wouldn't solve anything. She'd still be a dumbf***. Part of me wants to wish ugly children on her, so that she has to learn what it's like to comfort a loved one who has just been told the same kind of hateful things she spews. But I'd never wish that on an innocent child. I'd be better off wishing her barren.

Thinking about something I can't do anything about is counterproductive, but every time I hear something like that, all of my other memories of similar hateful things people have said to me come barging into my head just to make me miserable.

**sighs** I'm so tired. "And miles to go before I sleep....."

[Melysande]

**Mel clears off her bureau and places a large, soft green cloth over it, then places a beautiful, ornate marble statue of Ganesh in the center and a candlestick on either side. She places a small silver bowl in front of the statue and a cone of rain incense on a brass lotus blossom incense burner, lights the candles and the incense, kneels in front of the impromptu altar and calms her thoughts for a moment before whispering a prayer**

Lord Ganesh, I'm not one of your children, but one who *is* needs your help. And since she's a dear friend of mine, I thought it would be okay to ask you. I know she asked for patience, but I'd ask you to help remove the obstacles in her path, too.... by whatever beneficial means you can: be it money, incredibly lucky opportunities, or the sudden blossoming of good conscience, ethics, morality and responsibility in those who have caused her grief.

**Mel pours some milk from a nearby pitcher into the bowl and, using a silver spoon, lifts some of the milk to Ganesh's trunk reverently**

Namasté.

**For a time, she sits there and thinks good thoughts for her sister. Then she nods in gratitude to the the great god for listening to her prayer and rises from the floor to exit the room.**

[Melysande]

**sits before her own altar with its candles, chalices, feather pen, picture of tika in a heart frame, and statue of Aset with outstretched wings and smiling tenderly**

I finally made it home. My commute was terrible. Lots of idiots on the road tonight that I had to watch out for. Had leftover Chinese for dinner. I just finished. Today has been a very trying day. I was really expecting that my parents would notice my bad mood and therefore seize on the opportunity to make life more unpleasant. I'm grateful that this wasn't the case, for once.

**closes eyes and breathes a deep, weary sigh**

I am so tired. Tired of work. Tired of home. Tired of this daily routine that *never* changes. I don't know exactly what I want, but what ever it is, this **gestures around her room vaguely** isn't it.

**presses her palms gently against her closed eyelids for a moment to ease the strain on them, then yawns** I should go to bed now, get this dumb day over with and bring me closer to the weekend.

**briefly grasps the shoulder of the Aset statue gently with her thumb and forefinger**

Thanks for the ear-time, Lady.

Senebty...

[Melysande]

Thank you for white chocolate raspberry yogurt. Thank you for Vanilla Coke. Thank you for not letting me get stung in the middle of the night when that wasp landed on my hand, and thank you for letting the spider behind my bureau catch it. Thank you for the little sparrow that has taken to roosting on my window sill beside the air conditioner, even if it did give me the wiggins to hear feathers ruffling in the morning and beak on metal bars (made me think I was having a hallucination of tika).

So... here's hoping the rest of the day is quiet. And here's hoping a have a good Thursday meeting with my boss. (This meeting is the reason I despise Thursdays.)

[Melysande]

**Mel places her Ma'at statue (the one she got for her birthday) on the altar, pours a glass of clean, cool water in the chalice and puts some cheddar cheese and fruit on the offering plate. Then she lights a blue stick of Rain incense and lights the three candles. After a moment, she places a pinch of the salt and baking soda mixture (from her scallop shell dish) on her tongue, and offers up a whispered prayer**

Ma'at, Lady of Order and Balance... I know it was no coincidence that you came in that box instead of Aset. At the time, though, I thought it was just You promising me that soon my somewhat skewed life would be brought back into balance. But now, from the things I've read and other little reminders of Your presence, I'm beginning to wonder if You have a deeper plan in mind for me. I just want You to know, I'll be listening for whatever cues and clues You might give.

Dua, Ma'at. Senebty.

[Melysande]

**places a printout of her brother's little boy on her altar, beneath the loving arms and nurturing wings of Aset, and lights a small, pale blue candle for him**

Lady, protect this child and nurture him as did for your own divine child. Grant him the best life and living conditions possible for him, wherever and with whomever it is right for him to be.

[Melysande]

Yeah, I guess that works well enough. **bemused smile**

But if she has just one more hairbrained scheme that could bring him to harm, please smite her six ways from Sunday.

[Melysande]

It's been a weird day, Great Ones. Let tomorrow be better.

I'm grateful that the meeting this morning was short and painless. (I always anticipate the worst.)

I'm grateful that there seem to be jobs in Colorado that I can do. I'd also like to have a giftbasket business on the side. I think I'd be good at it, and it seems like it would be relaxing.

I hope You'll help me keep a civil tongue in my head when dealing with problems in the future.

I hope I'll find some nice Coloradian man to fall in love with and spend the rest of my life with.

I hope for children, and for a new feathered child, when the time is right.

I'm grateful that tomorrow is Friday again.

[Melysande]

Thank you, Great Ones. I feel like a 50-lb bag has just been lifted off of my shoulders. Granted, I still feel the other 50-lb bag that rests there, but I'm feeling much better now. And soon, that one will be gone, too, for better or worse.

Grant special blessings to all of my friends who need them, and grant great luck and good fortune to Papa in his new business.

Somehow help put out the fires in Oregon, and wherever else is having conflagration troubles.

**places an orange on the offering plate, and pours sparkling grape juice into the chalice**

Senebty.

[Melysande]

**sighs glumly** I spoke too soon. I felt so much better knownig that both parents had been informed. And then I talked to them for about four hours, and by the end, I was convinced that I should stay and just get a different job and/or go back to school for a different degree. They said that it was the most logical thing to do and that I should just be content to visit my friends on vacations.

And now I've spent almost three hours talking with my friends and I'm back to being as confused as ever.

I'm scared to death that my car's going to break down on the way there and that the problem will be unfixable (or else that I'll have to pay through the nose to get it fixed). And I'm frightened that no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to find a job (any job) and that I'm not going to be able to pay my share of the expenses.

I want so badly to believe that my friends really do care for me as much as I do about them, and that they won't let me fall and that they won't get tired of having me around. But my parents keep saying I should forget all about email correspondences because they don't mean anything and that technically, I've only known them for a week, not a year and a half (or a few lifetimes, for that matter).

To my dad's credit, he didn't call me a "f***ing idiot," but he made it plain that he thinks I'd be making the biggest mistake of my life by going there.

Having no money and no health insurance and no job terrifies me.

Gods, I've been stressing so much lately that I've gained probably eight pounds this weekend, as well as giving myself a lovely breakout. I have a painful pimple on the side of my nose.... it goes nicely with the three on each cheek. **crosses the room to grab one of her prescription acne pills, which she wouldn't be able to afford without health insurance... takes a couple Rolaids, for good measure**

As to a job in law enforcement... It sounded like a good idea in theory, but my dad says that I don't have the right mentality for it. He's probably right.

Most of me still wants to go to Colorado, but the frightened me that tries to live logically and without taking risks says I should just change jobs, go back to school to become a teacher, and then move out to the middle of Massachusetts (which is actually quite lovely and nowhere near Boston) and have off on all of the kids' vacations. **sighs** As much as I think teachers are crazy, I have to admit, I'm probably nuts enough to make a very good 1st-3rd grade teacher. I'd even get recess and reading time again.

I've got so much stuff to think about over the next few days.

The only thing I know for sure is that I want out of this current job. The sooner, the better, because every day, I care less and less about that place. And it's really coming across in my work ethic and my attitude.

Anything that gets me out of high-tech editing and away from Boston will make me happier. Anything that lets me make enough money (and still enjoy my job) to move out of my parents' house will be a change for the better.

I just need to decide what's best for me. Great Ones, grant me some clarity, please. (A backbone might be nice, too.)

[Melysande]

**A frowning Melysande sits before her altar contemplating her fate**

Great Ones,

Please protect me. Give me family where my own has abandoned me. They say now that they will not take me back if I fail because they take it as an insult that I want to leave. They say mean, hurtful things and then they try to undermine my confidence in my future roommates.

"I can't believe it! Boy, you really are f***ing stupider than I gave you credit for! Nice to know that your 'friends' mean more to you than we do. Call before you come, because we may not be here. Your 'friends' aren't going to want you hanging around all the time, you know."

These were my own father's words to me. Not words of encouragement, or love, or support. I knew this was going to be what I got from them. **wipes away tears** That's why I dreaded telling them in the first place.

I can't ever go home, except to visit.

I can't STAY here. I can't *grow* anymore here. There's nothing left that they can teach me. I need to move on. WHY can't they realize that?

If I stay here, I will die old, and alone, because I will never find a mate while I live here. If I stay here, I will never know what it's like to be independent or what it's like to have friends to do things with. Or what it's like to live in a beautiful new place.

They said I should stay, change jobs and go back to school. But this is only a short-term fix. I don't WANT to go back to school. I don't want to be here.

And if this is the way they treat me when I tell them what I *do* want, what makes me ALIVE, then I'll just have to make up my mind to not miss them.

Just keep me from falling, please. Let me get this soaring thing down on a first try.

[Melysande]

Help me ignore the fact that my father (and possibly everyone else) is not talking to me.

Help chase away my fears.

Help me stay committed to this.

Guide me to the right job opportunities.

And may all the good luck gods be with me on the drive there and after.

I am stronger than what is/will be thrown at me this month.

I will endure the time until I find a new job.

Be with me always. I could use the companionship, the guidance and the more-than-occasional helping hand.

em maat

P.S. So I guess it's not a coincidence that the Feast of Ma'at falls on Sept. 9th*?




(*Tamerans start the new year whenever they want, so I had chosen my birthday. I'm out of sync with all of the Kemetics.)

[Melysande]

Dua, Netjeru. Dua, Hera. Dua, Sebastian. Dua, Hyllar. Dua, Akhu. **thoughts of hugs for all of You**

I don't have the words to speak to You yet in Your language, other than the small things I've picked up along the way. Even if I did, I still wouldn't be able to speak to you as eloquently as I would like. Even so, 'though my words are plain, the deep sentiments behind the words speak volumes that I'm sure You can hear.

Thank you for these wonderful people You have blessed me with. In all of my hours of loneliness in the past, I never imagined that such true friends could exist. They've all spent so much time comforting me and soothing my fears and trying to help me untangle all of the possible trouble-spots, as well as making me laugh, listening to my dreams, and sharing their lives with me. My family gave me love, but I've never had friends/soul family before to give me love, also. And it's a fabulous gift that I'm grateful for every day.

Thank you to them, too: For letting me try to realize my dreams, for being here for me whenever I need someone to talk to, for letting me spread my wings, for keeping me from becoming Walter Mitty, and for being my friends.

[Melysande]

**shakes head** He's still not talking to me. I pity him. I plan on saying hi and goodnight and being perfectly happy and normal. I'm not sorry for deciding to move, and he won't change my mind by behaving this way. I have done nothing wrong. And I will not apologize to him or give up my dreams.

[Melysande]

**pours some kiwi strawberry Snapple into her chalice and spreads cream cheese on an egg bagel and puts it on the offering plate**

I have no idea what to say. Moving out is not a crime, and yet they see it as such. My mother thinks I'm throwing my family away, and my father is a prideful, arrogant man who apparently sees fit to never speak to me again. I wish I could really stop caring as much as I pretend to not care. My mother is still talking to me, at least.

Let all of the other parts of this move go smoothly, please? Let my car make it to Colorado in one, fully functioning piece.... let the rest of the moving go well and let me find work quickly.

[Melysande]

Great Ones ~

Thank you for three things today. Thank you for letting me find my white eagle agate Pearl St. souvenir stone that I lost last week. Thank you for the chance to apply at one of my current company's clients (doing a totally different, seemingly more interesting, job). I hope they'll consider me. And than you for my dad. I'm glad he's talking to me again. I feel better now because of it.

Please.... let my car make it to Colorado without any problems (and don't let it have any once I get there, either). And please, please, please, please, let me find a good job either before I get there, or very soon after, because this anxiety is killing me.

Senebty and B*B

[Melysande]

**leaves a jewel-bright bouquet of flowers in a chilled glass bowl on the altar as an offering**

Great Ones ~

Lately, it's been all about me. But I have some favors to ask for friends, too.

Let the rest of Wanderer's stuff sell today.

Let Phoenix get transferred to Colorado soon.

Let Azure's fears go unfounded and let her not have to pay for those tests she wasn't informed of. And let her union/reunion with her love go smoothly and wonderfully.

Let Papa and his partner do well together in their new business venture.

Let Earthcup continue to do well in her new living arrangement.

Let the hopes and dreams of all on this board come true.

(And let my family cope with my move, let my car make it to Colorado, and let me find work there swiftly.)

Senebty and B*B

[Melysande]

My car goes into the shop on Tuesday. I need to clean it this weekend.

I will tell my boss next Thursday that I'm leaving for Colorado.

My dermatologist visit is Sept. 5th at 12:45.

My last day at work is Sept. 6th.

I still need to finish packing and sending things.

I still need to contact the phone company to cancel my account.

I still need to contact my ISP to cancel that service.

I still need to figure out what to do with my bank account.

I still need to write checks to pay three bills before I go.

I still need to tell my credit card company and my car insurance company that I'm moving. (And I should probably tell AAA, too.)

I still need to figure out what to do with my cell phone account.

I still need to buy an AMTRAK ticket.

I still need to make sure that everything I'm taking with me in my car will FIT in my car and in a way that will not damage either the car or the items themselves.

I still need to file all of the lose paperwork floating around my bedroom.

And let's not forget the Balancing of The Checkbook ceremony. **wrinkles nose** (I *hate* balancing my checkbook.)

Gods, grant me the patience, peace of mind, alacrity, and luck to get all of this done without any major problems.

And then help me make a graceful exit from work and from my parents' home and from this state.

Grant us good luck on the roads and keep us from all harm.

And please..... let me get a great job soon after I get there, if I can't somehow manage to be allowed to telecommute from my current job.

Let life be wonderful, and let me write cool children's books for fun.

[Melysande]

**gazes into the eyes of the gilt statue of Neb-tet**

Lady of the House, please grant us this house. It's perfect in so many ways.

[Melysande]

**looks at her altar, and at Wanderer's and at Nallia's Athena statue**

THANK YOU. **grins**


(Now.... next big worries are Getting There and Getting A Great Job.)

[Melysande]

**Lights a white and green spiral candle**

For hope and prosperity for my brother-in-soul.

[Melysande]

**happy grin**

Thanks, again.

[Melysande]

**lights her favorite incense (rain) and then lights the three candles on her altar....gazes on her beautiful Aset statue and rinses her mouth with a tiny pinch of salt before speaking what's on her mind.**

I'm so happy we got our beautiful house, and I'm glad I'm making progress toward getting there. But I still have so much to do, and I don't want to forget to do any of it. In the meantime, I'm still trying to apply for jobs there. I would really like this one I sent out today. But I saw another one, too, that I would like to apply for (at a private school in Englewood). Please, even if I don't get these jobs, look out for me. There are so many things we need to buy for that house, and so many bills we'll need to pay, I really need to find a job as soon as I can. I know I sound like a broken record and you're probably tired of hearing from me, but you know what they say about the squeaky wheel.... So, here's me being squeaky, round, and wheel-like.

**closes eyes and tries to think positively**

[Melysande]

**gazes on at an image of grey-eyed Athene**

Please tell me You and the rest of the gods are seeing something we're all not seeing, Lady. I truly hope there is. **worried expression** I'm glad she has friends here to help her, but this is possibly the worst time this could be happening to her. If there is nothing to be done about her father, then please, help us help her. We're all going to need it.

**moves to her one altar, hugs a tiny figurine of Athena-Nadine, and places it on her altar beneath the red, gold, blue and green feathers of Aset**

Care for her, please, while I can't be there for her.

[Melysande]

Let them all be okay. And give me the patience to keep me from strangling my own father.

[Melysande]

**sits before the altar, looking into Seshat's and Aset's and Ma'at's beautiful faces**

Great Ones, every week is getting worse. Every time I see them, all they want to do is convince me to stay. And every time I talk to them, I feel less and less desire to be anywhere near them. They don't understand why I want to move, why I want to be away from them, why I need to live my own life, why I want to be so far away from all I've ever known, and why I think I can make it when they don't think I can.

Please..... grant me the strength and the patience to deal with them for these final three weeks. And grant me the success of finding and keeping a fabulous new job that I will love and that will pay me well and that will let me prove them all wrong.

Don't let this be a mistake. It feels scary but it doesn't feel wrong. Every time I thought that I would be better off staying here, my heart and mind would scream at the top of their lungs that staying here just isn't what I need. (Even if my gut and my fear tried to convince me otherwise.)

I can do this. I *will* do this. I see so many jobs every week to apply for around the area in which I'll be living. And I can do them all. Yet here, in this state with so many jobs, there is nothing available that I'm qualified to do. I can't stay here.

It's gotten to the point where I don't want to talk to them at all because every word they say feels like poison being poured into my ear.

I'm grateful to You all and to my friends that I finally have the opportunity to leave this wretched place and have the life I want. And even if I somehow die in a car crash before I even get there, at least I'll be with tika again, and I'll know I at least *tried* to do what I wanted to do in order to grow and learn (which is the point of my *being* here). More than I can say for them. Maybe I'll be able to show them by example.

All they see in this place is that a it's gilded and comfortable cage. They don't see that, gilt and comfortable though it can be, it's still a small CAGE.

Ma'at ~ Grant me balance, please.

Aset ~ Grant me comfort and luck.

Seshat ~ I hope the story I'm creating with my life is worthy of recording on the tree of life by You, and that it's a long, wonderful life, filled with fun, love, and adventure, as well as all of the other stuff.

My parents accept that my brother is going to join the military after graduation. They think it's only natural for him to move out and move on. But they don't see it as right and natural that their 25-year-old daughter wants to move out and move on, too.

I really don't care anymore if they accept it or not. I'm going. They aren't convincing me to stay here (especially not with the way they're acting). I'm just hoping these next few weeks fly by (and that I get everything done that needs doing).

[Melysande]

**sighs and sits before the altar**

It's only 2:10, and I'm so exhausted. I've set the cancellation date on my phone and my ISP, I've paid some bills, and I brought two boxes of stuff to the Post Office. That took a lot out of me. **weary smile**

Most of the places I've been trying to get to online today haven't been working. I'm wondering if the URLs can sense me coming. Actually, I've been having similar problems on the phone, too. My ISP isn't working at the moment, even though I'm supposed to have it until the 8th. BNet wasn't working when I tried it once. DevArt hasn't been working all day long. My computer keeps needing to be rebooted here at work. AT&T's automated system was giving me the runaround. After taking PB's advice (pressing lots of 0s), I managed to get on hold, but after 10 minutes of being on hold, I gave up. I can't get in touch with my mechanic to pay him. I've been calling all day, but he never picks up, so I can't give him my credit card info or schedule the appointment to get my AC fixed. And I'm waiting to see if my bank gives me anything in the mail today about paying off my car loan. (I'm hoping they'll just mail it to me, rather than making me track it down myself now that the loan is paid off.)

And it just doesn't seem to end. My parents are pains in the duff. I'm still worried about Athena. I'm annoyed that PB's "problem" (the She-Beast from Hell) is giving him (and Wanderer) so much grief. And I still have a lot of other junk to do that I thought of, but it's all on my DevArt journal so I can't go get it for a refresher of what I'm supposed to be doing at the moment because the site is down.

I'm tired. I just want to go to sleep. And, I'm sure I'll look back on this and ask myself "What were you *thinking*???", but I hope winter gets here soon. I hate this hot, humid weather. **yawns hugely** I just want to hibernate right now. My floor here at work is looking awfully comfy.

Let the rest of this day go much smoother, please.

On the flipside, so you don't think all I do is complain . . . **grins**

I'm grateful that MW is still working. And I'm grateful that there are jobs I can apply for. I'm grateful for my friends. And I'm grateful for the heart-gladdening PMs people have sent me. I'm grateful for only having 28 days to go until I'm in my lovely new home with two of my closest friends (and a bunch of cool cats). I'm grateful that, even though it doesn't quite feel like it, my list of stuff to do is getting shorter. I'm grateful that I don't have so much stuff to pack.

[Melysande]

**leaves a freshly cooked goose and a whole prime rib roast for Sobek**

You more than deserve my thanks for that fast and efficient work. Dua, Sobek! **grins and marvels**

[Melysande]

Thank you. Glad that particular fish got away. :)

[Melysande]

Thank you for giving me the words to pick my Egyptian name. I like it very much. It suits me. (I like every name I pick for myself, but this one's fun to say.)

I'm a little bummed that today has gone the way it has, so far, but I guess it only teaches me to appreciate the better days more.

I'm glad it's a quiet day at work and that I have a yummy seafood salad sandwich for lunch.

I'm grateful for all of the wonderful Crafty craft ideas that keep popping into my head. I'm going to have to sketch some of them out so that I can have them for reference when I go to make them.

I'm grateful for the jobs available that look so inviting. (Unlike here in MA, where there is nothing that looks like enjoyable work.)

**arranges exotic flowers in a vase for the altar while singing some distinctly Pagan songs**

[Melysande]

Please, grant that this hip pain goes away soon and that it won't require that I see a chiropractor. I hate going there.

[Melysande]

**smiles sheepishly at her last post** Silly request, that was. Great Ones, thank you for the competence and efficiency of my chiropractor. I feel MUCH better now. (Especially after lying down for an hour after my adjustment.) **smiles** I hope You'll either grant me no more back problems, ever, or else an equally competent and accommodating chiropractor in my new home.

[Melysande]

**It's a cool, blustery, gray day, and Melysande sits before her altar, a heating pad on her hip and back. She lights the candles and some incense and leaves an egg bagel with harvest vegetable cream cheese on the offering plate and pours a can of cold orange juice into the chalice.**

Great Ones,

As I sit here reflecting on You and on my current back problems (because I still hurt, even though not quite as bad as on Wednesday) it occurs to me that this may be Your way of telling me 1. don't move boxes, 2. ask for help, and 3. get back to losing weight again.

And 4., start creating more goals for myself.

(Yes. I'm trying very hard to make some small good come out of my discomfort.)

Well, last week I was 253 lbs. again. But this week I'm 249lbs. Now, if I can just manage to start losing weight again, I'll be all set. I never had back problems before I weighed more than 200 lbs. I kind of gave up on dieting a couple weeks before my trip to Colorado over the summer. I just got so sick of trying to watch everything I ate. Plus, it was difficult to find time to exercise because I got home so late and because my dad was always wondering what noises I was making in my room when I was doing sit-ups or dancing. **sighs, removes the heating pad and props a can of cold soda against her back (because there's no ice)**

In conjunction with the goal of just starting to watch what I eat again and starting to exercise again (once I get out there or once my back is back to normal, whichever comes first), I would like to lose 50 lbs. by March 1, making me 199 lbs (which I haven't weighed since 11th grade). I think this is a reasonable goal, seeing as I definitely won't see my 230 lb. goal by October 31. I just have to remember that this weight didn't come on overnight and that it won't come off that way, either.

As to my other goals..... The obvious goals so far are: getting everything on my list done before I move; having a reasonably good time in New York; getting back to Massachusetts safely; getting seafood before we go and seeing the beach one last time before we go (because I still need sand for Wanderer's brother and because it will be a long while before I see the ocean again in person); getting to Colorado with all of us and all of our belongings intact; getting a bed; getting a job; getting DSL and Cable (or Digital or whatever); decorating the house beautifully, writing more on a couple of my story ideas for young adults' and children's literature; making crafts to stockpile for our store; visiting my family for the holidays; living more openly magickally and spiritually; and having fun hanging out with my heart-sisters.

**smiles** I usually wait until Samhain before coming up with new goals, but I wanted to write them now, instead.

**changes back to the heating pad**

[Melysande]

Well... my back and hip *were* back in place yesterday. Would it be too much trouble to ask You to let it STAY the right way next time, please?

[Melysande]

I'm grateful that my keyboard still works properly after I gave it an inadvertent bath yesterday.

I'm grateful that I got another good night's sleep, even if I *am* still stiff, sore, and out this morning. **grumbles about her dumb hip**

I'm grateful that I have today off to wash and put away the rest of my clothes and clean the inside of my car.

I'm grateful that I left my HP tapes out when I was packing, because now I have nothing left to be entertained by.

I'm grateful that I have two more boxes I can fill with stuff to mail to the new address.

I'm grateful that Wanderer and Nallia have moved this weekend. Can hardly wait to move there myself.

I'm grateful that this is my last full week of work and that next week I only work for three days.

I'm grateful that some company was interested in Nallia's resume. Hope she gets the job. (Now....if only *I* can get a job quickly, too.)

I'm grateful that my parents are finally accepting that I'm going.

I'm grateful that there's not too much left to do.

I need to finish washing clothes and putting them away (today); find boxes and pack the clothes and all of my other stuff in them (this week); apply for jobs (all the time); clean my car, inside (today) and out- (next weekend); bring the boxes at work to the Post Office (maybe tomorrow, depending on how I feel); mail stuff to two friends I've been promising to send stuff to since I got back from Colorado in June (sometime this week); contact City Hall about getting an extra social security card and an extra birth certificate (Monday, because I'd like to be able to get them on the 5th); bring my car to York Ford to get my recalls fixed for free (tomorrow); bring my car to my mechanic to get my AC fixed (and that dangling metal guard needs to be fixed, too) (Wednesday); get a moving kit from the Post Office (tomorrow or sometime this week); cancel my AT&T long distance (tomorrow); close a credit union thing that only has $41 in it (got it when trying to get my car loan, but that place didn't pan out) (next Saturday); cash the bond in my desk drawer (next Saturday); bring my coins to the CoinStar machine (next Saturday or Sunday); put all of my savings into my checkbook (next Saturday or Sunday); balance my checkbook (next Saturday or Sunday); figure out what to do with my cell phone (probably hold onto it for a month then cancel and get a new plan); pack my broom and wand when no one is looking (next weekend); put all of my boxes into my car and bring them all to the Post Office in my city (rather than Boston) to mail them (on the 5th); get sand for Wanderer's brother (on Saturday the 6th).

And, if I need to, go for a final adjustment at the chiropractor. :rolleyes:

Then all I need to do is make sure that everything that is going with me in my car is ready to just scoop and put into the car when I get back, do some ritual work, and worry about what I'm bringing with me to New York and on the trip back to Colorado.

[Melysande]

**sighs heavily** Every time I think my parents are finally accepting that I'm going and that I have some clue what I'd doing, they go and ask 90 million personal questions that aren't their business.

"So, since Athena gets the larger room and the bathroom, how much more is she paying?"

"So, are you all going to have communal meals or do your own thing or take turns?"

"So, how do you know there's a basement? I didn't see a basement listed on the website. Maybe your friends lied."

"Why didn't you tell us sooner? Your Aunt Joan could have driven out there with you on her way to Nevada."

"I don't think I could leave the ocean. The mountains hold no interest for me. What are you going to do there? Gonna learn to ski? If you do, better make sure you have medical insurance first."

"So, any more people interested in your resume? Ever hear back from those animal hospital people? Of course not. **disapproving look**"

On and on and on. I just ate as quickly as I could and left the table.

Ugh. Time for positive thinking.

I see my back getting better soon, and I see me getting all of the rest of my stuff packed and my car fixed and my errands run. I see me conducting ritual that last weekend that I'm at home. I see me getting up and getting ready Monday morning on the 9th and getting my butt over to South Station and onto my train. I see me relaxing and enjoying my trainride and getting off at the station in NY and meeting up with Wanderer and Nallia. I see us having an enjoyable time together and bearing witness to the 9/11 anniversary. I see us driving back home safely and quickly (and without having to deal with bad traffic). I see us getting here, packing my stuff into my car (and maybe into Wanderer's, too), and then driving off to get seafood (wish Charlies' had a place to sit inside, besides that dumb little shelf). And I see us driving off across the country without any difficulties. I see us all arriving home and savoring the triumph. I see me getting a bed soon thereafter. I see me applying for many jobs, getting several interviews, and actually getting an AWESOME job within a month after I get there. And I see myself loving that job, and my life, and my friends, and writing a bit, and making cool crafts for the Three Sistersa project. I see us having a wonderful Thanksgiving and a great bunch of winter holidays. I see myself visiting my parents (probably in time for my mother's birthday), and I see my whole family commenting on how well my new life and my new state are looking on me. I see myself eventually finding a great Coloradan guy of my own, too.

**touches Aset's wingtip and looks entreatingly into her eyes** Please keep me safe and grant me success.

[Melysande]

**sighs** Ma'at, please let the police catch the moron who spraypainted swear words all over my neighbor's vehicle last night while we all slept.

I'm grateful that I will be moving away from quite so many idiots. And I'm grateful that they only targeted that one car. I overheard the neighbors talking about how they think it was the same person who tried to BB their house a few months ago. (I don't remember that happening, and I'm kinda glad I don't.)

I'm grateful that there's nothing really pressing to do at work because, boy, am I tired. I've been up since the police got there at about 3:30.

I'm grateful that my car goes in to have those recalls repaired today. Hopefully, they'll somehow reattach the metal plate that is dangling underneath my car, too. Cheaply but effectively.

I'm glad that nearly all of my clothes are washed and dried and put away. Now if only I can find enough boxes for all of this stuff. . .

I've got just about everything that isn't clothes packed and ready to send.

I'm grateful that there are only two weeks left before I stop living here. Help me find a job quickly once I'm there, please.

I'm grateful for all of the weight I've lost so far. Please grant me the strength of will to start losing weight and exercising again. (Oh, and if you could keep my back in place so that I'm not in agony when I exercise, that'd be good, too.)

I'm grateful for my friends. I'm grateful for my family. I'm grateful for this opportunity to grow and learn. I'm grateful that there are only four days left of this week. I'm grateful that I will be able to go to bed again in 15 hours or so. **smiles tiredly**

[Melysande]

**arranges a large bouquet of flowers on her altar.... pale yellow roses, lilacs, jasmine, and two varieties of bleeding heart (white and pink)**

No clue what the "official" meanings of those flowers are, but You know what my meanings for them are, anyway. . .

Senebty

[Melysande]

Great Ones ~

Give Wanderer a safe journey to and from her love and give her the wonderful respite she so richly deserves and needs.

Grant Nallia a newer, better job that she will love and not work herself to the bone at.

Let Azure and her love be together again soon, and give her a wonderful new job. She deserves better.

Give aid to the one mol petitioned help for.

Let Feathers get the transfer he wants and give his son a good life somehow.

~*~*~*~*~

I need to finish washing clothes and putting them away (this weekend); find boxes and pack the clothes and all of my other stuff in them (this weekend); clean my car, inside and out- (this weekend; bring the boxes at work to the Post Office (Thursday, no matter what); mail stuff to two friends I've been promising to send stuff to since I got back from Colorado in June (Friday); get a moving kit from the Post Office (Friday); close a credit union thing that only has $41 in it (Saturday); cash the bond in my desk drawer (Saturday); bring my coins to the CoinStar machine (Sunday); put all of my savings into my checkbook (Saturday); balance my checkbook (Sunday); figure out what to do with my cell phone (probably hold onto it for a month then cancel and get a new plan); pack my broom when no one is looking (next weekend); put all of my boxes into my car and bring them all to the Post Office in my city (rather than Boston) to mail them (on the 5th); go to the Social Security office to deliver a form and show my ID (on the 5th); and get sand for Wanderer's brother (on the 6th).

Then all I need to do is make sure that everything that is going with me in my car is ready to just scoop and put into the car when I get back, do some ritual work, and worry about what I'm bringing with me to New York and on the trip back to Colorado.


**breathes a sigh of relief** The list continues to get shorter.... slowly but surely. This is a good thing, because time is really running out for me to get everything done.

[Melysande]

**sits before her altar and just breathes for awhile. Calmly, slowly, deeply.**

I just can't seem to focus on the work I have to do today. I just *don't* want to do any of it today, and I know I have to. I despise doing vendor profiles.

I look ahead at what I'll be doing for work afterward, and I just wonder what I'll find. Before, my tarot cards kept telling me that I was supposed to move. Just go for it and do it. Now, they keep telling this is a time of a mini rest and a new beginning and that the seeds I plant now will need to be nurtured so that they will mature and be bountiful in time. Like I didn't already know that.

**shrugs** What will happen will happen, I guess. My most important worries right now are getting everything packed and shipped, getting on the train to NY, and then driving to Colorado. Then I can worry about everything else.

Ugh. My mom is actually jealous of Wanderer's family because they'll see me more than she will. I feel like I'm being smothered in a constrictive embrace every time I think of it. Makes me feel like squirming, like a cat that hates to be hugged.

Whatever I end up doing out there for work, I hope I can do something involving either horses or birds as either a volunteer thing or else as a part- or full-time job. And I want to be able to make crafts in the evenings and on weekends. And do some writing, too.

[Melysande]

I'ved shortened my To Do list still further. W00t! Thank you, Great Ones for letting me get all of that stuff to the Post Office today with the help of the dolly (even if I did get thoroughly soaked) and without letting me get any more back pain.

Here's what's left now....

1. Finish washing clothes and putting them away (this weekend)

2. Pack the clothes and all of my other stuff (this weekend)

3. Clean my car, inside and out- (this weekend)

4. Mail stuff to Azure (Friday)

5. Close a credit union thing that only has $41 in it (Saturday)

6. Cash the bond in my desk drawer (Saturday)

7. Bring my coins to the CoinStar machine (Sunday)

8. Put all of my savings into my checkbook (Saturday)

9. Balance my checkbook (Sunday)

10. Figure out what to do with my cell phone (probably hold onto it for a month then cancel and get a new plan)

11. Pack my broom when no one is looking (next weekend)

12. Put all of my boxes into my car and bring them all to the Post Office in my city (rather than Boston) to mail them (on the 5th)

13. Go to the Social Security office to deliver a form and show my ID (on the 5th)

14. Get sand for Wanderer's brother (on the 6th)

15. Make sure that everything that is going with me in my car is ready to just scoop and put into the car when I get back

16. Do some ritual work

17. Be with my family

18. Worry about what I'm bringing with me to New York and on the trip back to Colorado.

19. Survive the trips to New York and Colorado.

20. Find a job. :)

21. Live Happily Ever After.

[Melysande]

Tired.

My room has an echo now that it hasn't had since the first time I was ever in it. . . in 1990.

It's about time I moved. Even my bed is dead now. My back is back in place but that mattress is totally killing me. I can see the sag in it from here across the room.

So far, I have 15 boxes to bring to the Post Office. Not sure how many more boxes I'll need. I've got a couple loads of laundry downstairs that will need at least two boxes. And I have several blankets and comforters and sheets I'd like to bring with me, too. (I know they won't fit my bed, but I'll be grateful for them in the winter if our power goes out.) And I have to go around the house and gather up everything else I'd like to bring with me (like special spices, special sushi rice, shampoo and soap and other toiletries).

Old Witch's idea for a natural rock pentacle was awesome. I made one for myself today out of a piece of flagstone left over from when my dad was trying to put a pond in the backyard. It's roughly triangular and it's got a glittery gold pentacle on the left, a shallow depression on the right for holding things, and a raised area directly forward that would be good for holding a candle or a small statue. I like it. :)

I also grabbed a rock from where tika is buried. I wanted a piece of that spot for my altar. I put another rock in its place. I never did plant anything there. **twinge of guilt** But tika would be just as happy seeing a small memorial garden in Colorado as he would here. He liked roses and marigolds and violas. He thought they tasted good. **small smile**

I was pleasantly surprised today to find out that a flower I'd dried was full of seeds. I didn't realize at the time that it was that kind of flower, so I was bummed when I tried to pick it up and it started falling apart, until I realized why. I'm going to be able to grow beautiful large red-orange-gold flowers some day.

1. Pack the clothes and all of my other stuff (as soon as I get more boxes)

2. Clean my car, inside and out- (Sunday morning)

3. Mail belated gift (Tuesday)

4. Close a credit union thing that only has $41 in it (call them Tuesday)

5. Cash the bond in my desk drawer (Sunday)

6. Put most of my savings into my checkbook (Sunday)

7. Balance my checkbook (Sunday)

8. Pack my broom when no one is looking (Whenever mom goes grocery shopping)

9. Put all of my boxes into my car and bring them all to the Post Office (on the 5th)

10. Go to the Social Security office to deliver a form and show my ID (on the 5th)

11. Get sand for Wanderer's brother (on the 6th)

12. Make sure that everything that is going with me in my car is ready to just scoop and put into the car when I get back

13. Do some ritual work

14. Be with my family

15. Worry about what I'm bringing with me to New York and on the trip back to Colorado.

16. Survive the trips to New York and Colorado.

17. Find a job.

18. Live Happily Ever After.


Can't wait until the last three are all that's left on my list. :D Only three days left of work. W00t! Then I'm free.

[Melysande]

I've already packed my altar things, so now, the only altars I have are here online and in my own head. Aset is ready for Her trip, nice and neatly packed away in the box She came in.

I've done the whole bank thing today, too, and went grocery shopping. I even remembered to get some strawberry scented spray for my car. (Last time, I had vanilla, but my mechanic saw fit to use the rest of it in another car for some weird RUDE reason.)

My parents are still sad that I'm going but, dua Neteru, they're finally accepting it calmly. Hell, dad even said he hopes to retire in eight years and that they may even move to Colorado if I'm still out there. They're welcome to. It's a big enough state for all of us. :)

I hope I get settled quickly and that life is calm and wonderful for all of us. I hope I find love (and lust would be nice, too..... when the time is right), and that I eventually have a new familiar, and I hope that our business idea becomes a very successful, fun, challenging and rewarding reality.

Thanks again for my sisters (and for my pain-in-the-butt-yet-very-lovable twin brother, too). They've been so kind and generous and wonderful. And inordinately patient with me (most of the time ;) ). I can't wait to see them again.

[Melysande]

**sits in her computer chair in her room, enjoying the cool morning air and the sound of the rain falling outside**

Hard to believe that three years ago on this day it was hot and sunny and just a lovely Labor Day. We didn't do anything special that day. I was bored and I'd only gotten an Internet connection a couple weeks before then, so playing online was still new and fun. I was poking around in Yahoo! Games in the checkers rooms, and I got an invite to play a game. I turned him down at first, then changed my mind when he asked if I was sure. I spent eight hours playing checkers and chatting with this total stranger. He seemed to be kind of crude and less educated than I was, but he was still enjoyable to talk to. And after that day, we talked a lot. He thought I was attractive, and he was the first guy to ever tell me so. **shrugs** For a time, I fancied I'd fallen in love with him, even if he was a sleaze. Love is blind, after all, so I overlooked all of his many faults until they just became so big that even I couldn't ignore them. I lost a degree of innocence by talking to him, and sometimes I regret that, but all in all, my talking to him was a good thing, in its way. For more than a year, he was the only thing like a friend that I had. So, I'm grateful to him for what small measure of comfort he gave me then. And it was by talking to him that I learned that people online aren't all the vilest people on the planet. So when I was unemployed and I wandered over to BNet, I was ready to receive the love and support of the people who eventually became my closest friends. Do I still talk to that Yahoo! friend? **shakes head** No. He really wasn't anything I would call a friend, if I measure him against real friends. But he served a purpose, anyway. And at least now I can see why he came into my life. A small mystery solved.

Kids go back to school this week around here. The scent of autumn is definitely in the air, and the weather pattern has already made its shift from sunny summer to rainy fall. I can't believe I'm still adhering to this particular season of change. At my last job I was laid off on August 30th, and starting on a new part of my life. And at this job, I'm done as of the 6th and starting a new part of my life. I wonder why that is. What makes fall such a good time for making major life changes?

From what I had heard, Colorado isn't expecting much, if any, snow. But now my dad says they're expecting a LOT of snow there. Wonder who will be right? **shrugs** I'll find out soon enough, I suppose.

It still doesn't feel like a year has passed since last September. I've been wishing away the time so hard and for so long that now that I'm at the time when I want to be, I wonder where the rest of the year went. I'm glad I don't feel the awful restlessness I felt last year, though. At least now, I'm doing something that I want to be doing. Where it will lead me, I haven't a clue. But whatever it is, I will either be successful or I will be....successful. **grins** Me, determined? Whatever gave you that idea?

[Melysande]

Update, while I still have an Internet connection with which to do so..... Here's what's left for me to do:

1. Mail belated gift (Thursday)

2. Close a credit union thing that only has $41 in it (Saturday)

3. Pack my broom when no one is looking (Thursday)

4. Go to the Social Security office to deliver a form and show my ID (Thursday)

5. Get sand for Wanderer's brother (on the Thursday)

6. Make sure that everything that is going with me in my car is ready to just scoop and put into the car when I get back (Thursday and Saturday & Sunday)

7. Do some ritual work

8. Be with my family

9. Worry about what I'm bringing with me to New York and on the trip back to Colorado. (Saturday & Sunday)

10. Survive the trips to New York and Colorado.

11. Find a job.

12. Live Happily Ever After.


Not much left to do. :) I'm glad. It's been a rather draining month.

**places a small turquoise faience statue of Heru in full falcon form on her online altar and rubs a bit of orchid essential oil on it with a fingertip** Please, protect me, guide me and teach me to be as brave and victorious and wise as You are.

**pulls an old, golden yellow beaded cross from a fold in her robes and contemplates it....** This hasn't surfaced in my memory in a long time, but I made it when I was only about 12 years old. It's been a long time since I addressed a Christian deity. But it's appropriate to do so now, as she is one of Yours. End her pain, please? End her suffering and release her family from this torment. The grief will be strong and painful, but there will be relief, too, that she's better. **places the cross on her altar next to a teal-colored bowl of marigolds and speaks to the woman she only saw briefly in person, but talks to daily in the body of her granddaughter**

Lady, I thank you for your part in the creation of my heart sister.
I thank you for her existence and for her spirit and for the way you helped mold her personality so that she is the way she is. I hope you'll release your hold on this life soon, rather than having one foot in each world, and that you will be joyfully greeted by all of your loved ones and that you are made whole and lucid again. Know that you're always welcome in our home and that I hope you'll visit Katy frequently in dreams and that you'll be able to soothe her heartsickness. I hope you'll be able to help your children get through the difficult times ahead of them, too.

[Melysande]

1. Mail belated gift (Friday)

2. Close a credit union thing that only has $41 in it (Saturday)

3. Make sure that everything that is going with me in my car is ready to just scoop and put into the car when I get back (Saturday & Sunday)

4. Do some ritual work

5. Be with my family

6. Worry about what I'm bringing with me to New York and on the trip back to Colorado. (Saturday & Sunday)

7. Survive the trips to New York and Colorado.

8. Find a job.

9. Live Happily Ever After.

**yawns** Very tired. Productive day, but the exertion has tuckered me out. I went to a doctor's appointment, got a map book, gathered sand at the beach, and brought several boxes to the Post Office today.

My bedroom is so empty. I can feel the way the energy is flowing differently in here now. Much less sluggish.

I think this is the last night I have my ISP account. So I may not be able to get online tomorrow morning or evening at home. And I know I don't have it as of Saturday. :( Gods, more than a week without any kind of Internet connection. That's just brutal.

Thank You all for a better night's sleep last night. Glad I had peaceful dreams.

[Melysande]

Here's me cheating:

1. Find a job.

2. Live Happily Ever After.

**grins** Had to do that now. I won't be able to be online after today.

It's my last day at AMR. I'm glad. It was the best of jobs and the worst of jobs. It gave me money to do the things I'm doing now. It gave me experience. It taught me how to use Dreamweaver and Photoshop. For this I'm grateful. It let me feel bored and dissatisfied. It kept me away from my bird for far too many precious hours. It made me feel resentful and in desperate need of a change. And for that, too, I'm grateful.

May this next chapter of my life bring a multitude of joys along with valuable (and hopefully pleasant) life lessons.

[Melysande]

And so it ends.

It was a good day.

Here's to new beginnings. . .

[Melysande]

**lights a candle**

Grant safe passage for my sister Nallia on her flight today.

Grant peace to the Wagers family.

Let PB get transferred to Colorado for Wanderer's sake.

Let Azure and her love be together and have good jobs.

Let the next two weeks go smoothly for me.

Let me find work soon after I get there.

B*B and snbty

[Melysande]

**sits near te communal altar in her new home and is happy**

Thank you, Great Ones....

...for letting the trip to New York be fun.
...for letting Nallia and me get to Colorado safely.
...for letting us be here to comfort Wanderer.
...for letting Wanderer's grandma finally br free of pain.
...for letting my brother-n-soul visit us, however briefly.
...for letting me adjust to this place without too much difficulty.
...for the many jobs I can apply for (especially that one for today).
...for the friends I still haven't met in person.
...for my soul family.
...for my beautiful, peaceful, wonderful new home.
...for the love and acceptance of my family back in Massachusetts.
...for courage and love and support.. oh yeah, and for tons of good luck.

[Melysande]

Great Ones,

I didn't sleep at all last night, so please grant me the presence of mind to not get into any accidents on the roads to and from work. Grant me patience and happiness when being with the children today, as I know what a foul-tempered beast I am when I'm overly tired, and they really don't deserve that. Grant me another really good day at work, please. And then grant me a long period of restful sleep tonight, free from stomach troubles, worries, noise, and lights.

[Melysande]

Thank you for that.


And thank you for helping me finally find out where Castle Rock's Police Dept is located so I can get my fingerprints taken for tomorrow.

Thank you for another couple good days at work. I like it there. The kids really seem to like me, even when they're having a bad day. My coworkers and bosses seem to like me, too. I'm glad. I hope I can afford to stay there, and without needing a second job. They all keep saying that I'm really good with the kids and that my technique is good and that as soon as I start reading about the different methodologies and choosing which one I want to use, I'll be all set. I'm not exactly sure what a teaching methodology is, but I'm sure I'll learn. As soon as we get settled here in this house (with everyone doing work that makes them happy), I think I want to start taking classes. The Center will reimburse me for the classes I take, and I'll get pay raises for it, too.

Thank you for letting me finally fit a size 22 comfortably again. I'm hoping to be a size 20 by Solstice and maybe an 18 by May. (Being in an 18 would put me under 200 lbs.) My goal for next Samhain is to be in a size 16. I refuse to be smaller than that. If people don't like me at that weight, they can go take a long walk off a short pier. (Hell, they can do that now, too, for all I care.)

I also want to get back to reading all of my books. I left off on one of my DS9 books. I need to start reading them again, now that I have time in the evenings. I want to devote my lunch hour to reading more of the stuff in our staff library, just so I can get some semblance of a clue.

I'm going to need to schedule an appointment with a physician out here to have a physical so that I can get on the Center's health insurance plan. I also have paperwork I need to fill out for AMR. It all just came in the mail a couple days ago, so I'll try to get to that this weekend.

I need to go to Walgreens on Friday to refill my BCP Rx, too, seeing as I may not have time to do so over the weekend.

I get to see horsies and kitties this weekend. Weeeee!!!! How's that for getting into Kiddie mode? "Horsies." Oy. I had to stop myself last night from calling Katy "Miss Katy" last night when I was chatting with Don because I'm so used to the Center's way of calling all the kids Miss Wendy and Mister Doug and stuff like that.

[Melysande]

Thank you for the horses, the cows, the goat, and the kittens. (And seeing buffalo was kinda neat, too.) Thank you for letting me be able to sleep while I was there. I have trouble sleeping in most places that aren't home. My hip is out...again. (Only slightly right now, but one odd move could put it into place or knock it further out of place.) Help...?

I'm still not sure that this is the right job for me. If there is something out there that is truly perfect for me, please let me find it and know that I've found it. Wanderer and Nallia said that there is no job out there that will make me happy every day. But that's not quite true. My job at Penton made me happy for all but two days that I was there. After the way the kids were acting on Friday, I'm not entirely sure that this is the best place for me to be. Plus, there's still the money issue. Yes, it's a job, but it doesn't make me enough money to cover everything. I'd like to get a bedframe for my bed, but I can't do that before Nallia has a job. I'd like to get a newer car, too, but I don't dare do that, either, before she gets a job. I'd like to get new clothes. I'd like to get more shoes (as much as I hate shopping for them). I'd like to be able to get my physical and go to the dentist for a long-overdue cleaning. I'm not doing any of that until she gets a job. I want to be able to just write a check and pay off the large credit card bill I gave myself last month, too. But again, I can't do that until I know my money doesn't need to be diverted to more important things.

It's been just barely nine months and I still miss him so much. This past year would have been a lot easier with him still there. He was never happier than just sitting on my shoulder, preening my hair or chewing on a toothpick or else just napping there. I miss having him there to greet me in the morning with a wolf whistle and having him there to cuddle, regardless of my mood (happy or in tears). Part of me wants another bird, but part of me still wonders if it's really another bird I want or just me having a lack-of-tika pang.

I should go now. Somehow, my hour to get ready for work has turned into nine minutes.

[Melysande]

**sighs** Some days I think I should have named this thread Jenn's Thread of Demands and Please-Can-I-Haves. And I sometimes wonder if You all get sick of hearing from me so much.

Just wanted to say thank you for my roommies. I'm glad they were there to help me out tonight when my car battery was dead, and that they're willing to help me find a place to get it fixed tomorrow.

Things I want to work toward buying:

New battery for my car
Birthday gift for Jay
New(er) vehicle
Cheaper auto insurance
Bedframe with built-in drawers
Cable TV (or satellite or whatever... I just wanna be able to see the local news, damn it)
Computer chair and desk
Stuff to hang on my walls in my bedroom
A bookcase
A couple display cases for my Breyer models and all of my figurines and stuff
Plane ticket to Massachusetts to visit my family for my mom's b-day
New shoes
New clothes (in smaller sizes, eventually)
Plane ticket to Massachusetts for my brother's H.S. graduation
Plane ticket to Massachusetts for 4th of July at Aunt Debbie's house so I can see my extended family
Laptop computer
Adopt a new feathered child

Things I want to work toward achieving:

Be 175 lbs. by next Samhain
Go for walks every morning or evening
Do 150 sit-ups a day
Meditate for a half-hour each day
Learn to read hieroglyphics (and later, hieratic)
Figure out what it is that I want to be doing for work
Do whatever it is that I want to be doing for work
Read ALLLLLL of my books before I buy any new ones

[Melysande]

**sighs softly and speaks quietly and honestly to her Chosen Ones and those of her friends** You know exactly what I'm thinking and the pros and cons thereof. Not sure what Your game plan is, but I'm thinking that hesitation and delays aren't any better for gods than for people. And people definitely don't have godly patience. Please pick something so that those who need it can feel like they are being listened to and that progress is being made.

P.S. Thanks about my car. **half-smile**

[Melysande]

**frowns unhappily** I see only three ways. But none of them are acceptable. The first is abhorrent to her soul. The second is a curse to them both (but others might see it as a blessing instead), and the third is as abhorrent to him as the first is to her.

Patience is the road they have both been traveling. It's been a long, dark, lonely road, with very few bright, sunny spaces. But patience can not endure forever in those who live life with such passion and conviction.

Please let a new, far better (and much **HAPPIER** all 'round) choice emerge... and soon.

Of course, the solution I'd really like would be the one where I miraculously win 100 million dollars (from one of the old Publisher's Clearinghouse contests I entered, with no subscription necessary), so that I could tell them both to screw their jobs and live happily ever after together traveling around the world and/or relaxing in their own castle.

(Seshat, if You're listening..... this wish would be far more useful than that flood. And a lot easier to achieve. Hint, hint.)

[Melysande]

**sighs** My car's "Check Engine" light comes on intermittently. It's a pain in the rear. I told my parents about how Plourde isn't a very good mechanic, but they won't here tell of it. **shrugs** It's their own money they're wasting, not mine.

I'd really like to get a car soon, but if this current one can hold out a little while longer, I'd prefer to do that instead, just because I'm worried about my finances. I'm dreading seeing my credit card bill because I know it's going to be the largest bill I've ever given myself and I'm still not able to take care of it until after 'Thena gets her job.

The lack of a dryer is rather annoying. I hope we get it this weekend, otherwise, I'm going out to buy a new one myself and heck with the credit card bill. Drying clothes outside is fine in the summer, but it's a royal pain in the duff to have to hang clothing inside to dry. Not to mention how inconvenient it is to not be able to wash clothes in the evening without fearing that they're going to smell like mildew or something.

In many ways, this move has been the best thing in my life, but sometimes, part of me wonders if it hasn't been the worst thing, too. I miss a lot of the niceties I used to take for granted. Like chairs for the kitchen table and cable TV. And I'm also extremely worried about this job. Yeah, it's great. I have a job that brings in money, but I'm doing far more work than I really want to for such a paltry paycheck. The people there are great. It's just that the children sometimes unthinkingly say some very cruel things about me. And I know they don't mean it with quite the same viciousness that an adult would mean it, but it still hurts. I know I'm overweight and I'm working on it. It's just a slow process, and all they see is this big tub of lard. Even in Katy's picture of me and the horse, that's all I see. A mare and a huge blob. 245 is great for me (because I used to be 310 at one point), but it's still very large.

Ugh. **wry expression** Worst part is, one of the kids kept calling me a pig today (same one who mooned me), even though I'd been rather happy this morning to find out that this shirt I'm wearing actually fits properly.

**sighs** I'm also a bit depressed because I talked to my parents tonight. I love them dearly, but I dread talking to them. They keep hoping that I'll come home. They don't realize that I AM home. Even if Katy and 'Thena go away, *this* is where I want to be. Castle Rock is absolutely gorgeous. I like it here and I don't want to move back. Sure, I've only been living here for three weeks, but this is home. It *is* my Ta'Meri (Beloved Land).

My parents have said before that they hope that I succeed and that they also hope I fail. Lovely. I tried to tell my mother about the fun I had last weekend and about all of the plans I have for the holidays and random weekends here and there. But she just said I could have had the same things there.

No. I really couldn't have. I've always wanted to attend an adult Halloween costume party. I never had that at home and I never could. My family doesn't even like turning on music during gatherings. **rolls eyes** Gods forbid anyone should do anything other than listen with rapt attention to everything they're saying.

**sighs** I thought I would be able to escape the headache that is my family by moving this far away. Evidently, two time zones isn't inconvenient enough.

I'm not really looking forward to seeing them when I visit. "Don't go" isn't an option. They're still family.

I watched "What Dreams May Come" again tonight. I love that movie, but it always makes me cry all through it. It was one of the first movies I watched after tika died. It was a comfort to me. I miss him so much. I sound like a broken record, I know, but that doesn't make it any less true. He took a big part of me with him when he passed on. I'm trying not to feel any more guilt about him, but that doesn't make me miss him any less. I still feel like I'm not quite me anymore without him around in body. (I've always been a shrew, but I was a happier shrew when I knew he was there.)

Gandalf slept in my lap through most of the movie. Such a sweet little kitty. Found out that he really likes cheddar cheese. (And last night, he proved to 'Thena that he really likes oatmeal cookies, too. He's an odd child.)

Many of the kids in the school were home sick today. Fun, fun, fun. Croup is going around, as is some form of the common cold. I can't help but wonder if I wasn't the cause of the colds. I had one both days I was interviewing and the kids were constantly wanting to give me hugs and wrestle with me.

On the bright side, Corbin (the kindergarten teacher) is wicked cute. The fact that his name means Raven (and that he knew this prior to my commenting on it) is an added bonus.

The pharmacist who waited on me at Walgreens the other day was a cutie, too.

It's nearly 11 p.m. now (here, anyway). **shakes head** I have many grand schemes in my head, but somehow, by the end of the day, I never want to do any of them. And I don't even mind that I don't want to do anything. I guess that isn't so true. I *am* reading my books. It's just that it's a big history book.

I'm glad to be here in Colorado. This is where I want to be. Now, the question is, what do I really want to be doing for a living while I'm here? (More teaching, less cleaning, and more money for the work I do.)

I have to work this Saturday. Have to be there from 9 to 2 (or 3) for our Center's grand opening celebration. At least I get paid. So, for once, not being on salary works out well.

[Melysande]

**huge yawn** I'm so exhausted. I was going all day long at work (and I wasn't the only one who wanted to strangle Garrett), and then I came home, changed clothes and went out to dinner with Katy, 'Thena and Jeff, their old roommie. He's nice.

It's not even 11 and I'm debating on whether I should stay up and visit awhile longer or go to bed. On the one hand, he's a more entertaining guest than Marc (Mark? not sure how it's spelled), but on the other, I've got to be up at 7:30 so I can be at work on time.

My knees are constantly stiff from all of the kneeling, crouching, running around the playground and sitting on those damned munchkin chairs at work. I'm surprised I haven't torn any muscles. I still need to get a physical if I choose to stay with this job. I've been looking, but I still haven't seen any listings for a fantastic job.

I've really got to start going for walks in the evening. I like walking in the evening. And I don't mind doing it in the winter. I just wanted to get my body a little more used to this schedule before I try anything extra.

Don't know what I'm going to wear tomorrow. Most of my clothes are no longer clean.

**yawns again then heads back upstairs to be sociable for a few more minutes before going to sleep**

[Melysande]

. . . Melysande lights a tall blue taper candle with Nallia's name carved in a spiral on it and sits silently in prayer for her sister, her sister's father, and her sister's family.

[Melysande]

It's 1 a.m. and I can't sleep. I made out a check to pay my car insurance bill, and then I just stared at my credit card bill, wondering what I dare to pay on it. I'd love to write a check for $500 to pay for it but I can't dare pay even half that just now because of the way things are. And then I tried to go to sleep, but Fia and Ulath both chose to lie on my bed exactly where I was going to sleep. So, I thought maybe I'd try letting them sleep in my room for once. Big mistake. **scowls** Body heat hogs. They kept crowding me off the bed. Finally, I just kicked them both out of the room. But by then, I was too annoyed to sleep. Plus, it's actually rather warm in the house and I don't know how to turn down the digital heater. **curses the technology**

Now, I'm downstairs here on the computer, griping, and I'm too cold. I feel like Goldilocks. **grumbles, gets up, wraps herself in a comforter she'd brought downstairs earlier to wash, then sits down again and continues writing**

I sent my resume to King Soopers' corporate office today for a local job as a graphic artist. I'm totally qualified for the job (and then some), and the pay is $16 an hour. My job as a teaching assistant (even once I am made a teacher, which I heard through the grapevine would be by the end of next month because of the number of interested parents at Saturday's Grand Opening Celebration) just doesn't make me enough money. We can't live on happiness and I'm just too tired from this job at the end of the day to bother with a part-time job, too.

**sighs** And speaking of changing jobs, I was reminded in a dream the other night about becoming a law enforcement officer, though the gods only know why I would ever choose to go to an academy in Georgia to be an officer in Colorado.... weird dream anyway. **shakes head and rolls eyes** I'm not in good enough physical condition to apply for a job there. I'd need to have been at an appropriate weight and I'd need to have been running for awhile.

Part of me really wishes I'd stayed home, safe and sound at my boring-ass job (or else collecting unemployment again until I found new work if my company laid me off), the way my parents wanted. I think that would be the part of me that would really like to be asleep right now, rather than awake and obsessing over something I can't even change at this hour of the day.

However, we're not done-for yet. Anything worth having is worth fighting for. And my freedom (as aggravating as it's been financially and sleepwise) is definitely worth that. On the days when I haven't been worried about bills (which have actually outnumbered my sleepless nights by a goodly measure) life has been good. I've slept safe and sound in a nice big bed with my favorite color comforter, I've seen and done things I never imagined I'd ever do in my lifetime, and I've been soothed by the gorgeous countryside on my way to and from work and, indeed, right out my own bedroom window. I *like* living here. If I didn't, I'd say frell it and just move back home, deal with my parents' inevitable "I told you so" speech, and go on with my life. But it's because I like living here that I'm struggling so hard to make sure that I *can* stay here, in this house, with these friends, in this state. I have $2000 in my checking account. That's it. It will keep us safe for paying rent and bills this month, but I don't know if it will stretch to cover next month, even with this new job to supplement it. I still haven't seen a paycheck for my first two complete weeks of work. I'm going to ask about that this morning. I have no idea yet how far that money will go, but it will be an awesome help, whatever amount it is.

Great Ones, if it's a test, You know I'll do my best. (Of course, heaven help you if I fail. You'll never hear the end of it. :p **Brain the Mouse voice** And if I don't fail, I will try to take over the world.... ) And when I finally do speak to my aunt, my cousin, and my mother and father, woe betide them if any of them breathes a word about "I told you so." If they do, t will be the last thing they ever get the opportunity to say to me.

It's now 1:40 in the morning and I'm hungry. **sighs in mild annoyance** All I had for dinner was a can of raviolis. My mind believes this should have been plenty, but my stomach begs to differ. I refuse to eat at this time of the morning. My stomach can just *deal*. **glances menacingly downward at her stomach**

I went for a walk last night after dinner, but it was a very short walk. I just wasn't in much of a mood to do any relaxing physical activity. I kept hoping I'd run into a mugger, just so I could exercise a little gratuitous violence with justifiable cause. Barring that, I also kept wishing we had one of those kickboxing bag things, just so I could beat the snot out of something without harming anyone or anything.

I still maintain that this is still a crone year and that we will continue to experience (harrowing) changes until November 1st but that, after that, things will calm down. Of course, it remains to be seen whether the next year really will be a maiden year. This has just been a working theory of mine that I've been examining.

I've been thinking lately about Wyatt (one of the kids in my class). Actually, I've been thinking about how much he loves the fairytales I tell him at naptime, because he likes hearing the stories as I tell them, rather than the ones written in the book. (Who else would name the three little pigs Sid, Al and Squeaker?)

And I've been thinking that I'm running out of tales to tell him (at least, of the ones I already know). So.... that brings me to how I was planning on making a story about Ollie the Otter. I'm thinking that maybe I could even incorporate Ulath (Katy's deaf white cat that thinks I need a puppy dog) into the story. **grins** Actually, I could probably make stories based on the misadventures of all four cats.

**wanders off to Word to see what she can come up with and figures that it's as good a way as any to pass sleepless hours. (If it could work for J.K. Rowling.....)**

On second thought, never mind. I'm really tired. I'll get to it later.

[Melysande]

. . . Mel looks at the little heart-shaped frame that contains the picture of her beautiful baby, tika...

Heya, tika-birdie ~

I miss you so much. **mental hugs and kisses** Watch over your baby brother for me until tomorrow when I bring him home. He acts a lot like you did when I first saw you in that Woolworth store. He's a bit better off in some ways, a bit worse in others. Take care of him for me tonight at the pet store. Let him soon forget that he got stuck on the stupid flypaper in the aviary thing and let them be able to clean him up a bit before they let me take him home. He seems like such a nice little bugger (for all that he's as much of a beast as you were when we first met). I'm not getting him to replace you, precious one. It's just that after spending two nights with Gandalf in my room, I realized just how much I really miss having a tiny one of my own to look out for. He's the same one I saw at that same PetsMart store last month, too. I was surprised that he was still there this month. But he's the same one. I'm sure of it. He has the same exact mannerisms and boldness. I named him already. Tris, short for Tantris. I already made the mistake once today of nearly calling him by your name. Might take me some time to get it right. Either that or he'll just be as confused about his name as you were. **small, teary laugh** I call you so many names ('least most of them were fairly polite, though).

Keep Tris safe for me, please, and help me show him that I'm actually going to be a good bird mom to him. Love you always, little bird.

[Melysande]

Thank you. :)

**said despite the beak-inflicted puncture wound in her left ring finger**

[Melysande]

**smiles happily** Well, Tantris is asleep now (or else finally eating something, since he refused to do so all day long), and I have to say it was a good first day. I found the mall and found my way home *from* the mall. Tris was really good. He didn't flip out on the ride home at all. He's made tremendous progress in just a single day. He's doing well with the "up" and "down" commands, and pretty soon, I hope to teach him "no bite". He even let me scritch him a bit. Oh, and I clipped his wings and nails without any problems. It was amazing. I was so surprised and delighted that he didn't mind my clipping his nails. tika hated *anything* touching his feet, especially the nail clippers. **grins** Another curious thing is that the place tika felt safest was on my shoulder and least safe on my hands, whereas the place Tantris seems to find safest is my hand and his least favorite place is my shoulder.

I've really missed the smell and the warmth of cockatiel. I can detect a subtle difference in the way Tris smells compared to the way tika used to smell. They're both "cockatiel" odor, but they're slightly different. I can't really even describe the difference between them. **shrugs** Ah well. It's still a nice smell.

**edited a typo I just barely noticed**

Senebty,
NeferSesemet

[Melysande]

Rowanirsen ~

Dum shallah li grada. Emo junteh bi lokodon qith emet haradanes. Liotim erani c'put ah'quii nint omasse. Lioter erani c'put ah'quii nint omasse ih ah'quii liote gulpita haza dum. Ih leshya haradaneh erani sumquallah. Curoteneh liotera eranek mahrissha en bi dos. Kus-quane, ec vashim? **tossa moto liotera**Kvi nogra hembi-dolo. Em biso no'wadenet, mazun c'val durushin yu'tella mek nadaen, lid nadaen, ih houante nadaen. Sheh'vallah ih umsedanesh li emet haradanes, kehmsot, ginun emo nint oshame. Shallah hunahkt li kassinah emet garomens.

~*~ Shallah ih Sheh'vallah ~*~

[Melysande]

Shallah hunahkt, Rowanirsen. :) Nessen lerah'tae valtem oy. Emo houan grada salsuir'nah li c'valtem. Emet haradanes lerah'tae zhilliosuntum kvahm emet garomens erm yis kahlum. **hiarra tum hehkan** Emo du'visna yis kahlum. Sem lerah'ti c'tiye kahlum du'visnante.

Emo wexillandi heh'nehm qith emo Richard Simmons tape. Emo *yuluh* nequan yis kehno. Emo lossa c'niho eranier erm koptahs. Yulah nequan kehno li yis fradeb. Kemsot, wadeneten-emo wadenetinte emo, ih telemaren-emo no'fracarante emo.

~*~ S i S ~*~

[Melysande]

Well, on Samhain I asked what I should be doing for the next few months. The rune I pulled was Prayer. I figured, Okaaaaay. No prob. And then I asked the same question tonight and pulled the very same rune. **sighs** Fine. I'm supposed to be prayer-like? You got it.

Great Ones ~

**sits in front of her computer screen looking at what she's typing and concentrating on *feeling* and typing**

I've never been one to beat around the bush or mince words with You, so I won't start now.

I'm angry at You. I feel betrayed by You. I like to think that You have some kind of grand scheme that all of these trials and tribulations You're putting us through have a reason, but sometimes I really wonder. Yes, some of the choices we've made have been bad ones and we have those consequences to live with, but do we *really* have to keep getting wallopped by a ton of regular Shit Happens kinds of problems at the same time?

**sighs again** I know You're all busy. I know that good things come to those who wait. But, gods, can You at least make it a really BIG something good, and make it so that we don't have much longer to wait for it to arrive?

**shakes head** I said in another thread that I can feel the change that came with the turning of the calendar to November. And sure enough, change has come our way. Let the rest of this year's changes be for the better. Like, let Nallia get the perfect job (in all ways) for her. Let Wanderer get her works published and know fame and acclaim and success and happiness. Let Phoenix get transferred. Let B- not suffer too much or for too long for his assinine mother and step"father"'s mistakes. Let Steph break into the limelight and be with her love happily ever after. Let me find all that will make me happy.

**ponders** What would make me happy is to have all of us roomies in satisfying, stimulating, well-paying jobs; to have the money to pay off my lovely new 3-grand credit card bill (and to not ever let it get that high ever again); and to never be told ever again "I hate you because you're fat and ugly."

I hope Nallia's father miraculously recovers. I hate seeing her so upset when there's nothing much I can do to help stop the hurt.

I also hope that we'll all have good holidays this month and next despite our troubles.

I hope for us all to survive and thrive.

[Melysande]

I'm in a better mood today, despite the fact that I just got told that I won't have a job in two weeks.

Know why I'm in a better mood?

It's because I won't have *a* job in two weeks. That's not to say I won't have aNOTHER job in two weeks. And this one will be better, far better. I will like what I do. I will get paid well for it. I will get great bennies for it. And I will not hurt my knees anymore, or vacuum or bleach toys for a living. (Yup. Throwing in the power of positive thought.)

My favorite quote is, "When life hands you lemons, say 'Lemons? I LIKE lemons. What else ya got?'" And this is how I'm choosing to see the world. Or better, like so many inmates have tattooed on their knuckles, FTW. F***. The. World.

**calmly sits down with her trusty baseball bat (the aluminum one that we got for "free" by eating more Ballpark Franks than I EVER want to see again) and watches for the next irritating ball to come her way so she can swat it away..... or else beat the sucker to a shapeless pulp**

We're not a bunch of Jobs (the Bible-kind-of-Job that we -- coincidentally or not-so-coincidentally -- read about last weekend) here, and I refuse to believe that You're all so sadistic and cruel and petty.

I have faith in You and it will never waiver because I have even more faith in me and all that You want me to be.

"What would make me happy is to have all of us roomies in satisfying, stimulating, well-paying jobs; to have the money to pay off my lovely new 3-grand credit card bill (and to not ever let it get that high ever again); and to never be told ever again "I hate you because you're fat and ugly."

Why don't I ever learn not to wish for things? **shakes head and rolls eyes with a sigh and a wry smile** Ah well. "To the film vaults!"

I saw a few things I'm going to apply for, or call for, or whatever, and I want to go to those temp agencies, too. And then I'm going to the outlet mall and Target and King Soopers to fill out apps there, too. (Jobs to sustain me while I look for a job to sustain me while I look for the perfect job to sustain me.... a little convoluted, but it's a plan nonetheless.)

I think I'm going to stay home "sick" on Thursday, just so I can get some stuff done. I don't have any opportunities to make phone calls and send out resumes from work, and I'd rather get the hunting done before I'm out of a job, rather than wait until I have nothing else to do with my time except worry and apply for jobs and worry some more. (One day of staying home will not kill me, I don't think.)

A friend of Ev's once said, "Denver is like an organ transplant patient's body: it's trying to reject us." While I really despise that person and am spitefully glad she's having a difficult time, I did find that sentiment funny and all too appropriate for use here.

It sometimes does feel like this place is trying to reject us. But it isn't. Inside, I know this. This state sunk its claws deeply into me when I visited this summer. It wants me here as much as I want to be here. And no matter what we've been going through, I still love this place. It's my home, my Ta'meri. My Beloved Land. I *will not* go back to Massachusetts except for when I'm visiting or being laid to rest in Pine Grove Cemetery with the rest of my family.

Perseverando. (Perseverance.) Our family motto. Or, to paraphrase Bogie in a Bugs Bunny cartoon, "What Jennie wants, Jennie gets."

[Melysande]

Here's hoping something good comes of my day off. (Not that having a day off, in and of itself, isn't a good thing.)

**grins at the Aset and Ma'at statues** I think, sometimes, the only reason I worship deities is because it gives me someone to talk to regularly. And this way, when I talk to YOu, I won't sound quite so crazy as when I talk to myself. **chuckles**

I can't wait to start working at a better job. More money would definitely be a good thing. Especially if I can get it by finally finding something I truly love to do. (No. I haven't done *that* yet and it would be illegal to get paid for it anyway....)

Some day, I want my tavern, my theatre, my mustang rehab place, my soup restaurant and my metaphysical store. Oh, and my Sanctuary would be nice, too. Lots of marble work, mosaics, views, tranquility and gardens. And statues.

And I still hope that the Havens really are partly a big library where I can go read every book I want to, in every language I want to. And part restaurant, where the food is free, delectable, filling, and totally calorie-free. An epicurean bookworm's dream...

[Melysande]

Saw HP last night. Loved it (even with all of my protesting.... **grins**)

**adds the Bast statue that Wanderer gave her to her altar**

I'm pleased that I've already got two people calling me back looking to set up interviews with me. I hope they go well. I'd like to have a new job lined up by the end of the week.

I've really got to get new car insurance. Mine ends at the end of this month and I can't go driving around without car insurance. I need to get a new license and registration very soon, too. Not enough hours in the day or money in the bank accounts.

My last remaining great grandmother died a few days ago. I didn't know her all that well. (For some weird reason, my family called her Grannie Bugden rather than using her first name, Jean.) Ah well. I need to send out sympathy cards to my Aunts Joan, Judy and Helen, because it was their mother (along with my mom's mother Betty's mother).

I need to go grocery shopping today and pick up my contact lenses and glasses.

I need to start buying Christmas gifts, too. I already got my dad a fancy wood and brass kaleidoscope. I need to get some more stuff to round out his Christmas, and then I need to worry about gifts for mom, Jay, Don, Katy and Athena. And if I have any money left over, I have some gifts to get for myself, too. (**grins** What? Not buy something for myself? Are you nuts? The only thing that makes shopping for other people endurable is the part where I treat myself, too.)

I feel a little queasy today. Not sure why. Maybe I'm just overtired. I went to bed at 2:30 a.m. and didn't get up until 10. Sunlight in the morning should be outlawed.

[Melysande]

Thank you for letting the dinner I cooked please my taste buds so well. It tasted just like my mother makes. :) And seeing as I haven't got a recipe and was only winging it (rather than calling her) when I made it, I'm happy.

Thank you for my family.

In regard to my cousin Brian... Thank you for letting that man live. I hope you let my cousin rot in a jail cell for a few years **shakes head in disgust**, and I hope that man's legs and other injuries will heal properly.

Thank you for letting me schedule an interview with the Littleton Independent. At the very least, if I get the job, it will be a foot in the door that is in my field. And if I get the job, I will be making more money (most likely) for less work. That would let me focus on some other things I want to do, like learn how to bartend, so that Wanderer can have a study buddy (for motivation, if not so that we could have our own Dueling Bartender Contest... **laughs at the idea and has no clue if such a thing really exists**), possibly work as a hired hand so that I could get some quality horse time into my schedule, and learn more about my favorite topic (Egypt) so that maybe I'd someday be able to get a job as an intern or something at a museum.

Thank you for getting me out of the I want, I want, I want attitude. **ponders** I have been constantly asking You to give me whatever I think would please me most, and when such a thing didn't happen (or at least not in the way I thought it would) I was mad at You. I'm sorry for that. You always help me get the things I need, and more often than not, they end up being the eventual things I want, too. ("It's not having what you want; It's wanting what you've got....")

**is carried away by her pondering**

I still believe there is a cosmic plan, too, but I still wonder whether it's really You in charge of that plan. It all goes back to the idea of The Game. I think You and the rest of TPTB out there are like coaches of the teams. But I think it's the team that makes the real decisions. You just try to guide us to Your (and by extension, our, because we pick which team we want to be on) idea of what is best for the advancement of humanity. It's up to us to make the most of all of our opportunities. I don't think I believe that it's You or any other god that sets challenges for us or places grievous obstacles in our paths. At least, not anything minor (relatively speaking), anyway. If anything, I think we ourselves pick our "handicaps" (either as individuals or in minigroups of our chosen teammates) for this turn in The Game before we're even born.

But I digress (in a major way. Like, all the way over the river and through the woods, past grandma's house and all the way to Siberia). . . .

Last but not least, dua, Ubasti, for Your recent interest in me. Here's hoping I learn quickly all of the lessons You wish to impart to me.

[Melysande]

Thank you for helping me get unlost yesterday.... both times.

Thank you for letting me get still more interviewing experience.

Even if I'm offered that job, though, I won't be taking it. 3.5 days a week for $9.62 an hour in pay, no bennies, no hope of advancement, and a commute that's twice as long as my current one. **shakes head** Thanks, but no thanks. I wasn't thrilled about the work environment, either.

**sighs** I've got to find something different. These kids are really getting to me. As is the paltry paycheck. Help me get through today. I've got a relay race idea I want to keep them busy with today and I'm hoping it goes all right and keeps them occupied. And then, I can rest. The weekend is upon us. Woo-, and might I add -Hoo!

Next week, I need to get my car insured, get my license and get my registration. Oh joy. Oh rapture. Hope all goes well there, also.

**shakes head and frowns** I had the strangest dream this morning. Scarier because of how realistic it seemed when I was dreaming it. (I knew I was dreaming, but I had to try four times in the dream before I could wake myself out of it fully.) I dreamt that Wanderer, Nallia, Phoenix and I were all at a metaphysical fair, and we were doing our best to blend in with the crowd because these D&D characters (monsters, all of them) were looking for us but weren't sure exactly who they were looking for. I got glimpses of them as horrible beasts and dragons and things, but then they would change themselves into human appearance and look almost normal, except for the whole predatory stalking/slinking routine they used to walk and talk. We had to be very careful about what we said and did because if we slipped up, they would recognize us for what we were and then kill us. What we were... how we were different from everyone else.... I'm not entirely sure of, even in the dream. And it all gets so confusing and disjointed that I can't really make sense of what happened. I do remember that one of them took on the form of my mother. She tried to suffocate (?) me because she wanted to grow wings. Which is weird seeing as I didn't have any wings in the dream. And then I remember sitting in the audience at some show at the fair and realizing that the guy sitting next to me, with whom I'd exchanged pleasantries earlier, was one of them, too. I wish I remembered more of this dream so that I might be able to make it have some sense. On the bright side, in addition to being hunted by evil creatures, I got to go shopping in the dream. Picked up some nice semi-precious gemstone necklaces, a couple feathers, and some nice stones to go in our wooden bowl in the living room. Pity that part of the dream wasn't real. I always get so disappointed when I wake up and find that the really cool stuff I wanted in my dreams isn't really real in the waking world.

[Melysande]

I couldn't sleep last night. I ended up watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off until 3 in the morning before I finally managed for feel tired enough to sleep. And now I feel sick to my stomach from lack of sleep. It will pass, but it still sucks. Here's hoping I'm alert while on the road and that I don't chomp off any off the children's heads today at school from irritability.

I hope I can get the car stuff done today and tomorrow (or Friday) that needs to be done. HAS to get done this week.

Why has life turned into such a mess? I hated my life before because it was boring. Now I hate it because it's not. Some day, I'd like to find a nice MIDDLE GROUND.

The money situation bothers me. And that's what gives me the sleepless nights. I've never had only $157 in my checking account before. And it scares the f*** out of me. The fact that next week's paycheck is going to be about half of normal (because of all of the time I've taken off to interview and stuff) scares me, too.

I refuse to touch the money in my savings account. I only narrowly avoided it this month. As it is, I can't pay the water and electric bills until I get paid on the 30th (unless I want to dig into my savings). That was rather a rude shock.

Somehow, some WAY, I need to find a new job. It's not for lack of looking. It's that there's nothing there for me to do that will pay me the right kind of money. And I'm going to have to do what I really didn't want to do: work retail (or something) in addition to this job until I find something.

The roommies were asking me all weekend what was wrong. "Tired" is the answer because "tired" is what I feel. I don't sleep much or well when I'm worried. And if it comes across as moodiness and extreme quietude, I can't help that. It's either moodiness or frustrated, loud, destructive behavior that doesn't help anyone. So instead, I plot and plan. So.....

My Personal Goals For November 2002 to November 2003 and
How I Will Achieve Them

1. Lose at least 50 lbs.
I will eat more healthful things in smaller proportions. I will drink more water. I will drink less soda. I will eat less salt and drink less alcohol. I will eat out less often and scrutinize all that I order. I will exercise every other night for 60 minutes. I will walk every other night for 60 minutes. I will meditate every morning for 30 minutes.

2. Find a new job that pays well and that I love to do.
I will keep applying for jobs I see in the newspaper. I will keep applying for jobs I see online. I will look every day. I will apply for at least one job every day until I get hired by the kind of place I where I want to work.

3. Pay off my credit card.
I will do this as soon as possible after I get my new job. I will pay it off in large chunks.

4. Get a Citibank Visa and get rid of this MasterCard.
I will go online and do this Monday night.

5. Get my license, registration and auto insurance.
I will visit State Farm Insurance tomorrow and get this all done by the end of the week.

6. Go home for Christmas, Jay’s graduation and 4th of July.
I will get the best prices I can find online and then I will go. I don’t care if my work has a problem with it.

7. Get my room furnished the way I want it to look.
I will do this as soon as I pay off my credit card bill and lose weight. I will buy from that place we got our kitchen table from. I need a platform with drawers in it. I need a night table. I need a new lamp. I need decorations for my room. I need hanging plants for it, too.

8. Finish reading all of my books.
I will read for two hours each day to achieve my goal.

9. Complete all of the exercises in my Hieroglyphics book.
I will devote an hour to my studies every night before bed.

10. Get my own Internet account.
As soon as I get my new job, I will get an Earthlink account.

11. Get myself a new computer desk and chair.
As soon as I pay off my credit card bill.

12. Do something that involves horses.
The goal is a bit vague, but I’d like to do some volunteer work, I think.

13. Plant a garden.
I want to plant a garden in the spring. I will need to spend some time deciding what things I want in my garden. I would like herbs, flowers, fruits and vegetables.

14. Write and illustrate my own children’s books.
I would like to devote some time each weekend to writing children’s books and illustrating them. After I have made a few, I would like to submit them to a publisher.

15. Take a class of some kind (tai chi, pottery, jewelry making or wood carving).
I will probably pursue this goal nearer to November 2003, when I have a better idea of what my situation is going to be like.

16. Learn to love myself.
I will do things for me (like following this list of goals) to help me be a better me. I will be patient and understanding when I mess up on my way to achieving this year’s goals. I will spend time doing things I love to do. I will pamper and indulge myself at least once a week in a major way and every day in minor ways.

* * *

**deep sigh** "And this, too, shall pass." It will. Somewhere out there, there IS a job for me that will pay what I want/need. And it WILL come at the right time and not a moment before. Came across a poem yesterday from when I was actively collecting Goddess Worship stuff. It said that "She never gave me anything I wanted, but She always gave me everything I needed."

My thoughts aren't quite along that path anymore, but I'm trusting that everything is happening exactly the way it's supposed to, and that things are going to turn around sooner or later. But I'm probably still going to worry myself to utter exhaustion until it happens. (Old habits die hard.)

[Melysande]

The high points of my day were that I went to get my CO license today, I walked for an hour, and I'm going to bed early.

The low points are ones I'm concentrating on forgetting.

All I want right now is the blessed release of dreamless sleep. **sighs** But, knowing my mind, I'll find my dreams even more disturbing than the waking world.

[Melysande]

**yawns** Tired.

Just watched Buffy. Gods, I love that show. But, ARRRRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!! No new ep next week. **more howls of frustration**

Work wants me to do a 30-day trial of teaching the older kids. It will move me up to $10 an hour. And then, if the place is still in business and I still am there, I'll get the full $11 an hour. I think I'm getting screwed, but I'm not planning on staying, so I'll take the ten anyway.

I got my auto insurance today and I got a life insurance policy. It's pretty cheap. About $90 a month. So I'll save about $60 a month now. Good deal. I've got better places for my money to go.

Safe traveling for my sis. Clear skies and wind to thy wings, chica.

Let the patch work for my other sis. **hugs for her for even trying again**

I have to be at work tomorrow at 7. Yuck. And I need to make some kind of a lesson plan, too. Oh joy. Oh rapture. Not sure what I want to do. But I'm just going to get up early in the morning to figure it out. I plan on just getting some sleep.

**sighs** Well, anyhow, I'm in a better mood today. I'm at least starting to work on my new goals.

I found myself daydreaming on the way to and from work. I was imagining what it would be like to be a horse breeder. Have lots of land and beautiful horses to tend. It was a pleasant way to pass my time during the drive.

Our furniture will be arriving tomorrow. Very cool. :D

Off to look at job listings now.

[Melysande]

Thank you for a great Thanksgiving feast and all of the yummy leftovers.

Thank you for giving me a nudge to try this children's book writing thing and for letting me find a website that I'll need. And thank you for letting me give myself a goal that just might make me happy.

Thank you for MW's existence.

Thank you for the words of wisdom that Hekatawy posts nearly every day. I may not be precisely Kemetic (even if I do tend to lean more that way than toward true Tameran beliefs), but her words are usually quite inspirational for me.

Thank you for good movies.

Thank you for this being the weekend.

Thank you for Tris. I hope he soon shows more of the spectacular bird personality I know is in there somewhere. It's only been a month or so, and I know I expect a lot out of him. He will eventually trust me as much as tika did, but I just need to have more patience with him. He's very young and I don't get to spend as much time with him as I would like at the moment.

**sighs wistfully** Some day, I would like to have an equine companion, too. I don't even care what size it is anymore. Minis are adorable, ponies are incredibly sweet-looking, and horses are just awesome. Why else would I name myself NeferSesemet (Beautiful Horse), nai?

(Well.... aside from the fact that a Beautiful Horse is my Kemetic equivalent for "Unicorn", because the ancient Egyptians didn't have a word for that creature.....)

Some day, I will achieve the goal of being the companion of one of those beauties. But for right now, I'm grateful that I live a 20-minute walk away from a pasture full of them.

Colorado has been the cause of many of my headaches, but it has also been the best thing that has ever happened to me. The views and the animals and my friends (and that's not to say that they are least important of the three things I mentioned) have all been very healing for my soul.

I love my family. Really I do. I bitch about them all the time, but I love them dearly. But they just don't understand why I need to be here right now. I'm learning lessons right now that I couldn't learn back in Massachusetts. I despise many of the lessons I'm learning, but they are necessary for my growth and they are necessary for me to become the full-fledged glorious me that is inside. I need the challenges if I am going to live up to my full potential. I just have to start rising to the occasion rather than just letting wave after wave of "homework" and "pop quizzes" wallop me. Like Illyria from Secrets of the Unicorn Queen said to Sheila: "Fight *your* fight. Not your opponent's." I need to start taking the initiative, rather than going through the motions (*sighs** Thank you, once again, Buffy: The Musical).

[Melysande]

I knew it was coming. **shrugs** Even when they said that it wasn't, I was right.

Ah well. Back to the drawing board. At least this time I got a full month's warning. I just hate having anyone else force my move. It's a control thing. I have issues. **grins**

Anyway, the place is becoming a Post Office. And lo and behold, the place across the street from us ("coincidentally" the Post Office) is hiring. I'm walking across the street on my lunch break tomorrow to fill out an app. I worked in a mailroom before. Working in the Post Office wouldn't be much different. And it would probably entail far better bennies than the ones I'm getting now (all None of them).

**yawns** Today was just lovely. Woke up on-time. Was online too long. Forgot to put out the trash. Forgot my purse in Wanderer's vehicle. Didn't bother to put in my contact lenses, so I had a stress headache all afternoon. Watched 14 children. Found out (again) that the Center is closing. And then, we got locked out of our dumb house. Fortunately, I'd forgotten to lock the window overlooking the backyard over the weekend, so I got to break into the house because the screen came off relatively easily and it was low enough for me to climb in.

I plan on going to sleep and forgetting that today ever happened. **frowns** I seem to be doing that a lot lately. Must correct that problem.

**chants her new mantra** "I know there is a great job out there for me. I know I will find it (and soon). I know I will survive. I know I will succeed. I know I will not have to leave this house I love so much. I know I will not be pursuaded by anyone in Massachusetts to move back to that state."

And while I'm at it..... **chants again** "I know I will become independently wealthy by the time I am 30." (And not through a rich man or through a legacy/inheritance thing, the way my cards keep telling me.)

[Melysande]

**has the urge to renovate her altar space. Takes out her wand and gives it a wave. The space is transformed into a large hall with a reflecting pool and several smaller, connected purification pools. The smooth stone walls are buff-colored, but the motifs painted on them are in vivid Kemetic colors. On the dais at the end of the reflecting pool is a large, enameled and gilded statue of Djehuty as an ibis-headed man. NeferSesemet takes off her robe and nightgown, puts down her wand and sinks into a warm, soapy bubble bath and contemplates the great statue in silence for a few moments**

I'm looking for wisdom, Great One. So, I'm coming to You. **envisions that the circulating bubbly water washes away her negativity and depression and worry** I'm faced with an interesting choice: Find a regular job by the end of the month, or try this sales thing. I'm not sure what is the best path to take, and I was hoping maybe you would send me a little guidance and clarity before I choose (or before the choice is made for me).

**sinks deeper into the water and admires the way the sun from the skylights glints and gleams off of the statue for awhile. Then she moves up the steps and out of that pool and pulls a cord that releases warm clear water (with some essential oils in it) to rinse off the soapy water. When that's done, she crosses to a bench where a pile of soft, fluffy towels is waiting for her. She smiles as her thigh is tickled by a palm frond growing in a beautiful large urn next to the bench. She towel-dries herself and puts on something more in keeping with the tone of this place, and finishes it off with an elaborately beaded collar necklace. Then she goes and sits at the base of the statue, closes her eyes, and soaks up the sun in peace**

[Melysande]

Right. Three cheers for me. For staying home today to look for work, I may not have a job to go back to on Monday. Yay, me. **sighs** Nallia says that they aren't allowed to fire me for looking for work when they gave me notice that the place is closing. (Doesn't mean they won't do it anyway, though.) She also said that I could still collect unemployment if they fired me for that reason. Hope I don't have to find out if she's right.

It scares me silly, but I don't give a hoot because I despise the place. The whole Goethe quote still applies, about how sometimes opportunities won't present themselves until AFTER you've made a leap of faith, and then they'll appear even when they totally fly in the face of logic. Well..... Here's me leaping with a a really loud, shrill "GERONIMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (Er, at least, it's what I *would* have said, if my voice hadn't insisted on that whole shriek-of-insane-terror sound instead.)

Now, that still gives me a month to find something, because, even without a job, I still have enough money to keep us out of a truly dire predicament for this month and January. Not that I don't intend to have a job in the next two weeks. Even if it's just being a season help letter carrier after all.

The plan right now seems to be working where Nallia does, doing reasonably well at it, having another part-time job, and writing children's books. . . . Even if I do turn Ollie into a Bunny instead. (Gonna put those frelling bunnies to use for once. **evil grin**)

**smiles deliberately cheerfully** I got an interesting tarot card reading last night. It said:

I hold magnificent potential within myself. I'm supposed to use my fresh vision, burgeoning hopes and newfound optimism to invent a new role for myself. I'm supposed to embrace the fierce power within me, so that it will infuse me with the vigor and confidence to face obstacles that once seemed impossible.

It said that I'm very worried and that terrifying visions are making my mind my worst enemy. It said basically that most of the worries are only in my mind and that I need to chill out, take stock, and rationally solve my most immediate problems one at a time without freaking out and unintentionally giving my roommates migraines with my silence.**sheepish smile**

The next card said that fear is my captor and that self-criticism and self-doubt are the ties that bind me. It said that I should stop being a dork (by ignoring those sentiments) and start getting my keister in gear to do something worthwhile, regardless of the seeming obstacles in my path.

The next card says I need to balance my inner and outer realities and that if I can do this, I'll be successful.

The next card said that I have inside of me a very ambitious, very powerful, leadership-oriented person, and that I should actually let her sit in the driver's seat from now on. (All hail Queen Jenn! Woohoo! :p )

Interestingly enough, the next card was the Lovers. **is blushing slightly and yet is very amused** As "restless" as I might sometimes be, I'm not exactly in the mood to find anyone just now. I'm having a hard enough time dealing with the ME in my life, never mind anyone else. But the card did say that I should be deliberate in my choices and that I need to learn how to give of myself without losing myself completely. So that part of the advice, I understand. But as to the make-a-committment-if-it-feels-right part, hmpf. NFW. Not committing to anybody anytime soon.

Next card says, yeah, the most recent job stuff in my life sucked @$$, but not to cry over spilled milk. Get up, dust self off, go back to drawing board, succeed.

Next card was Judgement. Found that interesting, what with the way Ma'at has been courting me lately. (Especially since this card was followed by Justice. Talk about your divine double-whammies. Sheesh.) Anyway, it says that I'm ripe for transformation. No kidding. Ends of things and beginnings of other things kinda lead to transformations. Real shocker there. **wry grin** It left me with the message: You now have the potential to be reborn into a more meaningful existence. Will you heed this call to awaken? (Like I really have a choice....?)

Basically, the Justice card in the hopes and fears category is reminding me that everything will eventually balance out and that as long as I keep giving to the world the best that I have, the best will come back to me.

My outcome card was telling me that although three cups are spilled on the ground (three jobs: Penton, AMR, and now the school), there is still one full cup behind me. I'm not sure if this is a location thing, where I should be looking for telecommuting work for Massachusetts, or if it means that I need to see the things that I've been dismissing job-wise (like sales....because of my lack of self confidence), or if it just means that there is something out there for me to find. **Shrugs** "Kay Sarah Sarah," as Don Knotts said in Three's Company. ("Que será, será," en español).

So, I submitted a resume to Cigna. They aren't hiring, but the website let me upload the resume anyway, which they say will be in their system for a year and will come up in candidate searches. **crosses fingers**

If I do take the sales route (and the part-time job elsewhere), I will probably try to sell things somewhere else (like at a certain equestrian magazine, or else that Natural Home one... liked that magazine) after six months or a year or so, just so I can get a base salary, commission, and bennies. But I don't know. I could end up being as popular as J.K. Rowling, instead, and leave my mark on the world that way. **grins** Power of positive thought, nai?

[Melysande]

**lies down on a black velvet-covered extra-large cushion in the temple chamber that has the waterfall, just staring up at the mural painted on the ceiling and listening to the musical sound of the falling water**

Stop the world: I wanna get off.

It used to be my favorite bumper sticker. **sighs** I don't find it so amusing anymore.

I'm in a less-than-cheery mood today. (Depressed and extremely irritable.) Partly from lack of sleep, partly from worry, and partly because I'm just feeling that way for no apparent reason (but possibly hormonal).

Got my credit card bill today. Ay. De. Mi. **shakes head** I've got to resolve not to worry too much about it, because I'm *going* to pay it off by the end of the year. I'm DETERMINED to do that. No matter the cost to my social life (such as it is). It's still not so big that I won't be able to pay it off completely in a few months, once I have a REAL job.

Aye, there's another reason for feeling the way I do. Not looking forward to Monday when I return the books they loaned me and say toodles to them.

That staffing agency seemed to be really good when it came to finding things for Nallia. Hope they'll be able to help me, too. There *has* to be something here for me.

In a way, I'm looking forward to Christmas. But in a way, I'm not. Christmas with my parents. And they're taking off the whole week to be with their little girl. Oh, joy. Oh, rapture. **guilty twinge because she knows she should be happy, because who knows how much longer they'll be around**

**takes a pink-spotted and streaked lily from a nearby vase and inhales its sweet fragrance and wills herself to forget her troubles for a few moments' peace of mind**

I'm going to bed at a more normal time tonight. There's no frelling way I'm staying up until 4:30 in the morning again anytime soon.

I keep toying with the idea of changing my hair color. I love my hair's natural color, but I'm curious. **half-smile** Part of me still really would love to just say, FTW, and go with a violet streak on the side. Another part of me wants to be strawberry blonde like my current avatar. But still, I'll probably leave it the way it is, at least until I get more gray (if then). If I do something wrong to my hair, it will take forever to grow out again, or else it will get ruined beyond repair and I'll be permanently bald or something.

I wish I were little again, wearing my bathing suit and lying in the sun beside my grandparents' in-ground pool or swimming nearly all day long while listening to '80s music. I remember how I would go there early in the morning, around 7:30 or so, and play with my cousins, Hollie and Tracy, in the pool or in the backyard. My hair was lighter then. More of a coppery light brown rather than the darker brown that it is now. (It would get that way now if I were to stay out in the sun all day long for weeks on end.) And my skin used to be very tanned (rather than the nearly deathly white it is now). I had a bunch of tiny facial freckles when I was that age. All sprinkled over my nose. I remember snacking on the cherries from the tree, and the blackberries from the blackberry bushes, and even sucking the nectar/pollen out of lilac flowers. Granny would come watch us in the afternoon because she got out of work at noon. She'd let us have freeze pops. I loved the red, but Hollie or Tracy always took that one so I was glad that I liked the grape ones almost as much. (The blue ones didn't exist at that point in my life.) We used to change back into our clothes and go bike riding a lot, too. Sometimes, we'd bring a large bag with us and fill it with people's discarded soda cans. And then when we collected enough of them, we'd go up the street to Famous Mamos for pizza or slushies (mix all the flavors... it's disgusting-looking but yummy, although I still liked the watermelon one best) or fried dough or french fries. Or else we'd go up the street in the other direction and get ice cream. (Nutty Buddy. :mmm: ) Sometimes, we'd make a little picnic lunch/snack for ourselves and walk around the block, cross the street and sit in Memorial Park to watch the football players and cheerleaders practice. I was never really as interested in it as my cousins were, though I always liked listening to and watching the school band practice their playing and marching. (Me? Interested in things that are popular? Hah.) Sometimes, around about the middle of August, we would be in bathtub-warm water and watch the sun set behind the school. I loved seeing that. It turned all the clouds orange and the sun itself looked like a monstrously large red traffic light. And then it would slowly disappear bit by bit from the bottom up. Always thought that was so cool. It was usually around that time that the carnival would be in town. It was fun to watch from the pool all the way across to the other side of that park as they set up the rides. And then they were so colorful after the sun finally set. So many brightly colored little lights to accompany the carnival music.

I can even remember a time before I ever even went to nursery school. I must have been two because I remember both years I was in nursery school. (Mom sent me when I was three, but I wasn't old enough to go on to kindergarten the first time around, so they had to keep me there another year.) I would sit in the third floor apartment on Jefferson St. and just sit on the floor at the base of the bookshelf, just looking at the pictures in a 20-volume animal encyclopedia set my parents had. There was so much light in that apartment. I even remember watching Flipper on the couch in the living room, and chewing on my bristle blocks (hey, like I said, I was two years old... the yellow stick-like ones reminded me of french fries), and sometimes my mom would be in there with me and she'd rub my ear or my belly until I fell asleep. Or else I'd play with the balls of yarn in her yarn bag. And I remember gnawing on a chicken drumstick bone (carefully hidden from my mother, of course) while looking out the bedroom window at theg the red lights flashing at night over the tall buildings in the distance to keep them from being hit by planes.

**chuckles** Sometimes, I even have dreams that I'm breathing underwater, completely relaxed, pleasantly cool, just admiring the way the sun glinted off of things in the water. I'm wondering if it isn't something like remembering being in the womb. **shrugs**

[Melysande]

So twisted I am. (Seems I'm having a Yoda moment, too . . .)

I still absolutely *adore* David Bowie in Labyrinth. (Hate the guy usually, but the Goblin King look really works for him.)

Ahem. Moving on.

I submitted a resume to the Highlands Ranch Community Association for a job as a Community Relations Assistant:

"Highlands Ranch Community Association is seeking a Community Relations Assistant to plan, develop, organize, implement, and supervise large-scale community events. Also will manage the HRCA volunteer team. Bachelor's degree in Public Relations, Special Events, Recreation or a directly related field required. Background in development, implementation, and management of large-scale special events desired. Strong communication, organizational and interpersonal skills, with ability to develop teamwork with employees from various departments. Creative team player with attention to detail and the ability to multi-task. Knowledgeable in Microsoft Office and PageMaker. Full-time position with excellent benefit package."

I can *so* do this.

**shrugs** I'm turning in my books tomorrow morning and telling the school that I'm done. And then I have an interview with a staffing agency at 11.

Got a beautiful tarot card reading a few minutes ago. Never had such a happy reading before.

I made turkey soup yesterday and banana bread today. Both are very yummy. :D I did a lot of knitting this weekend, too. . . .and a lot of thinking (which is always what happens when my hands have busywork to do). Got to spend a lot of time with Tris, too. I'm glad. I haven't had much time to be with him lately.

Other than that, I did nothing this weekend. I haven't worked on my story yet, either. I'll probably get to that tomorrow afternoon. I made a vow to the gods that I would write and publish at least one children's book by this time next year, and I will hold myself to that. Actually, I'd like to get it done within the next three months, because I have a bunch of other children's book ideas that I will want to work on, too.

I'm finding it really useful to focus on all time periods except the next couple of months. I was reminiscing about the past last night. Tonight, all I can think of is where I will be six months or a year from now.

I also started reading today a book about the Fates. Wanderer got it for my birthday this year and I started to read it but got distracted. I only just now picked it up again. And I've picked up exactly where I needed to, to help me feel a little better today.

Now, if only I could get over this nagging feeling that I've forgotten to do something. I have resumes out the ying yang (as opposed to "yin yang"), two forms of I.D., and directions on how to get there. I even have clean clothes for the interview. The only thing I can think of is that I'm rather anxious about tomorrow. I don't know what they'll say, if anything. And it scares me to be paycheckless again, three weeks sooner than I'd planned.

I still have shopping to do for Christma---. . . **pauses** Ah-Haaaaah!!!! THAT's what I forgot to do this weekend: Sign and send out Christmas cards! **dances around** Mystery solved. Anyway, I can do that tomorrow, too. Back to the whole shopping thing: I've got a lot of that left to do. Ugh. On the other hand, I now have plenty of time in which to get it done.

**leaves some freshly sliced and buttered banana bread on the altar** Enjoy!

**smiles then leaves the thread**

[Melysande]

**sighs puzzledly and lies down on a poofy cushion, covering herself with a burgundy chenille throw** I don't get it.

I don't understand crises of faith. And I hate not being able to help.

[Melysande]

**walks through the bright natural light streaming through the high windows and the skylights along a passage in her temple, admiring the beautiful exotic plants and flowers living all around her.... the air is pleasantly warm, with a slight breeze that makes the windchimes tinkle soothingly.... songbirds and the small nearby waterfall add their own sweet music. Tired of her human form, she changes into a lithe, graceful black jaguar. But 'though her form is different, her mind is still human, and still preoccupied with the outer world.**

I'd almost prefer to live in my own mind, if only it didn't mean I had to be in a coma to accomplish it. The only things I'd miss are friends and family, seeing as I could create them, but it wouldn't be the real them.

I've been having strange dreams lately, too. Not bad, like they used to be when I lived in Massachusetts, but strange nonetheless. And then I can't remember them when I wake up. It's annoying.

I'd really like this fire dept. job. I'm totally qualified to do it, and it will give me a LOT more money than I've gotten in the last couple months. Plus the bonus of getting to see cute firefighters on a daily basis. I just need to find a notary. And quickly, because this job is only open until the 16th.

I've got to go to the insurance company again today. This time to set up an IRA for my previous 401K stuff. **sighs** That means I need to find my paperwork. It's somewhere in a pile of papers in my room.

Damn. Sure sign of an unhappy me: messy room. It reflects my mental state. On the other hand, I'm washing and putting away clothes, and I need to vacuum so I can move my bed to another wall. Sure sign I'm feeling slightly better: I rearrange furniture to give myself a new outlook on life.

Not looking forward to the part of my application where I need to fill out my job history. **wrinkles nose**

Larkspur Schoolhouse--slave. Er, Teacher's Assistant (did this for nearly three months. Left because place was closing and wouldn't let me look for work and wouldn't pay me to compensate.)

AMR Research--Production Copyeditor (did this for a year and a half. Hated it. Left to move to Colorado.)

Salem State College--lab attendant (did this for 2 weeks while Wendy was on vacation... needed to say I was still doing things while collecting unemployment and looking for real work.)

Penton Media--Assistant Editor (did this for 14 months. Was laid off because magazine went belly up.)

Salem State College--Internship that turned into part-time summer job in College Relations Dept. (stayed for three weeks in summer. Then left to attend my real first career-like job.)

Central TeleServe--Answering Service Operator (did this for six months. Quit because of poor working conditions. Business closed without notice two weeks later, anyway.)

CVS Pharmacy--Cashier (did this for one summer. Quit because I hated it there and school had started again.)

Stop & Shop--Cashier (did this for one summer. Quit because I hated it there and school had started again.)

Pet Supplies Plus--Cashier (did this for six months, but was laid off because I couldn't work enough hours)

Ernie's HarvestTime-- Cashier (for two weeks because the woman training me hated my guts)

Babysitting my Dad's partner's child (did this until she was old enough to stay at home by herself... 2 years, intermittently)

Tutoring 3rd grade math, 10th grade Spanish and 9th grade Latin (did this until I wasn't needed anymore)


That is the sum total of my illustrious career. Oh joy. Yay, me. Woo. Hoo. :rolleyes:

[Melysande]

**Sesemet wears a charcoal grey chenille shawl and stands, arms folded in front of herself, looking out the windows at the cold, harsh, real world beyond. Hyllar sits on his perch half an arm's length away from her, gazing on the scene as well.**

I've got my 401K stuff mostly taken care of now. And he notarized my job application. Hopefully, I'll get this job and I can stop worrying about where money is going to come from.

I rearranged my bedroom yesterday and I slept much more restfully. The northeast wall is where I'm used to having my bed anyway, ever since I was a little girl. It makes the room look bigger now, too.

I got a good start on my holiday shopping, too. Yay, me. :)

**shakes head** I know that everything that happened with the Larkspur school was supposed to happen, but it certainly feels like the worst job decision I ever made. From accepting it in the first place, to staying with it as long as I did (trying to be content), to leaving so soon. **frowns** But each decision I made at the time seemed like the right one to make. Makes me remember the saying that "Sometimes you can do everything right and still fail." I feel like I've failed somehow. Come to think of it, my whole job history feels like a gigantic failure.

I just want to crawl into a fetal ball and stay that way. **sighs irritably** Oh, yeah, these mood swings of mine are just sooooooo much fun. Happy-go-lucky one moment, determined and strong the next, and wallowing in misery a whole heartbeat later. Next job I get MUST give me medical insurance so I can get back on the Pill.

**sits in a chair next to the window, feet firmly wedged between the chair's arm and the bottom cushion**

Oy. **disgusted noise** Our Lady of Sullen Selfish Sorrows, at your service.

I'm NOT a failure. It was just the jobs that didn't meet MY requirements for a happy life. What have I done that makes me a success?

I was in the Honors Program all through school. I went to college on a four-year, full-tuition scholarship. I found two very nice-paying jobs. I found my dearest friends. I went on vacation all by myself. I drove across the country without any mishaps. I relocated to another state. I found work (such as it was) within two weeks of moving to said other state. I've accomplished more in my 25 years than so many other people do. And I WILL continue that trend. Somehow. . .

[Melysande]

Totally freaky. The World Spirit Tarot deck is definitely one that I need to get for myself. The online version is always so dead-on accurate for me. At the moment, it keeps telling me the quote that I've got in my sig. **shakes head, marvelling** It's come up for me in the last five consecutive readings, along with several others. All of the readings I've done look exactly the same: They know I've had a rough time of it lately, but that I need to be optimistic, I need to keep going along as I've been doing (I actually laughed out loud earlier this afternoon because the card said, "Basically, this card says, 'You're doing the right thing.'"), and I need to continue with the writing thing because this is the time for me to create a great work. Alrighty then.

Of course, they also keep telling me that I'm about to have a lover. **grumbles darkly** Not a good time for that one. Really, it's not. I want to get all of my ducks in a row first before I try to explore that one.

**sighs** Back to career things for a sec.... I still think I would like to be a police officer, but I don't think I will apply for that this year. There's a lot of studying that I didn't realize I had to do first. Like, four different books' worth of stuff. Plus, my body just wouldn't be able to bend itself to my will fast enough for this particular exam period. So, if I'm still interested next year, I'll do it then.

So far, I'm 244 lbs. I've lost 16 lbs. since September, without even really trying. I was so pleased to find out that I can wear a size 7 ring again without difficulty (even though I'm really a 7.5). Skill can't believe how skinny my fingers have gotten again. **is currently having fun playing with her rings.... one of them even fits as a thumb ring now**

I'm 20 lbs. away from what I weighed when I graduated high school. Too cool! Gods, that was back in 1995. Many, many moons ago.

I think my goal for the coming year will be to lose 44 lbs. I think that's reasonable, for now. I lost 31 lbs. this calendar year and 66 lbs. since January of 2001.

I kind of put my official dieting plans on hold until I got used to this place. I think it's safe to say that I'm used to this place now. I really need to start exercising, too. It's a little too cold out there for walking at night at the moment, even for me, but I have tapes I can use in the basement.

I can't believe that I'm finally less than 100 lbs to my goal weight (160 lbs.). Every time I would do the whole diet thing over the past year, I kept saying that I only had 100 lbs. before I was where I wanted to be. And each time, it was true enough. but now, I've got "only" 84 lbs. to go. Nekhtet! :D

Dude, if I lose all of that before my high school reunion, I just might actually go to the dumb thing after all, just to prove that I aged better than most of the pretty/popular girls in school. **pauses** Nah. I still hate the idiots so much that I think I'm just gonna stick with the "Jenn died. Terribly sorry." reply to reunion invitations.

Talked to my mother today for a long time. As much as I dread talking to her sometimes, I love her dearly and I do miss her (just not enough to return to Massachusetts to live... not right now anyway. Still too much stuff left that I need to learn at the Verdandi School of Hard Knocks.) She said it was weird that I called her both times today when I did because those were the exact moments when she was about to pick up the phone to call me, too. **small smile** John Edward says that this is perfectly normal because we're all connected spiritually. He says that if you feel the urge to talk to a specific person, you should, because the chances are very good that they are wanting to talk to you right then and there, too.

My psy-meter must be extra twitchy today because, not only did I do that to my mom twice, but I also opened the door tonight to look for the delivery person exactly when he was about five feet away from our doorbell. And I didn't hear anyone or any vehicles at all (because the CD player was louder than any outside noise at the time). I must have jumped about three feet in the air because, even though I had the passing thought that what happened would happen, I was honestly surprised that it DID happen.

I'm glad all of that stuff about setting up an IRA is nearly taken care of. The only thing I need to do now is wait for AMR to send me a check and then fill out a little more paperwork and then I can wash my hands of it.

Man, once I get a really good job, I'm paying off my credit card(s), and then I'm buying all of the things I've been wanting from Amazon and eBay.... even the 3"-wide Cleo collar which is totally useless and a waste of $50, but hey, I gotta be me. **grins** And then it's back to saving money for when I buy my $0.5M home. Then again, I might as well splurge and create that temple and garden sanctuary that I've always wanted, too.

[Melysande]

**places a large bouquet of lilacs, lilies of the valley, roses, irises and lotuses into a beautiful blown-glass vase on her main altar, lights all of the candles in this chamber, and adds a deliciously scented essential oil to a Heru falcon oil warmer.... places a plate of roast chicken, gravy, mashed potatoes, a roll with butter, French-cut green beans, and carrots onto the altar, along with a glass of white zinfandel**

Thank you. It's only a trial week so far, but thank you. It's 12 an hour for that week, so I'm not going to complain. (And after that, if I get to stay, it's $30,000 a year....)

I've never needed so much concrete discussion with you as I did in the last two weeks. And every time, you answered truthfully and cheerfully... and patiently (seeing as I was such a nag). Thank you. For always listening to me and always answering me, even if I don't understand what you're saying or if I choose to ignore it and continue to worry. This is a load off my mind at least temporarily. It will help me meet my share of the bills. And I'm infinitely grateful. And thank you for the horses and the deer. In Boston, seeing horses let me know that I had made a right decision. And here, it seems that eagles and deer *and* horses are my reward. And it's even closer to home than the schoolhouse was.

Thank you. **kisses the golden shoulder of the beatifically smiling Aset statue, and repeats the gesture on the statue of Seshat, which only really exists in this thread and nowhere else in the world.... then pauses** I'm going to have to rectify that one, Lady, seeing as you "own my head". I have access to any and all other Netjeru, but I need to make a statue for you, since I've looked high and low and cannot find one anywhere. I'm sure that's probably part of why you picked me: if something doesn't exist, it doesn't matter: I can MAKE it exist.

[Melysande]

**smiles happily** Thanks again. Even better than just being a job and one that pays nearly what I used to make before, but I also get to be with his horses before work, at lunch and after work. I'm very grateful for this privilege. There's even this one bay mare that has basically adopted me as her new pet human. She comes right up to the fence whenever I'm there and won't let any of the other mares near me. Then she puts her head over my shoulder and just rests it there while I massage and scratch her neck and shoulders. (She actually *sighed* contentedly today.) Or else, she licks my hands or my face or lips my neck and arms. **sighs wistfully** Some day, I'll have one of my own to care for and love (a lady I work with says she'd sell me one for $4000 and even board it for me **must. resist. temptation**), but for now, this will do quite nicely. I have to be at work for a few extra hours tomorrow (I volunteered because 1. it's more money for me, and 2. it helps him and me get better organized).

**frowns, a little puzzled** My latest horoscope says (I kid you not):

"Happy Holy Daze, Cancerian! I've been meditating on the perfect holiday gifts for you. What might inspire you to be in closest alignment with the cosmic currents in 2003? Here are two ideas: horseback-riding lessons and your very own horse. With the psychological mastery and physical courage you'd build by blending your energy with that of a large, robust animal, you'd enhance your personal power in just the right way to meet the earthy tests of the coming months. You'd develop an instinct to conquer the fears that have the greatest potential to trip you up, and you'd always know how to rein in your raw energy so as to expand your command."

How does he DO that? **shakes head, marveling that he's so accurate**

However, contrary to what my roomies say (**winks**) Rob Brezsny doesn't mention a single thing about my avoiding men.

He doesn't need to. I can say it plenty well myself. I don't want to meet any guys at the moment. I'm just getting into the swing of living here, living my own life, and trying to attain my own goals. No room for a guy. Not now, anyway.

It scared the willies out of me when Wanderer and Nallia said I needed to have lots of kids for them to play with and spoil. I had the hardest time even getting *near* any of the children at the cookie decorating party last weekend. That school stint has nearly ruined me on the idea of children altogether. Maybe some day, but not many, and not anytime soon.

**sighs again** Meanwhile, I'm trying to express my feelings and thoughts here, and all that keeps happening is that my mind wanders to how much I want to be patting that horse some more. She has such pretty dark eyes. And her breath smells like sweet hay. She's nice and warm and gentle and so lovable. And not mine. But at least I can see her (and the others) every weekday. Heck, I spent more time with her today than I did with Tris. That poor bird gets the short end of the stick all the time as far as my free time goes. I need to change that. I still take him out of his cage at least once a day and spend time with him, but it's not as much time as it should be.

**frowns again** It hasn't really felt like Christmas this year. I mean, we got the tree, we decorated the house, and we've been watching holiday shows, but it still hasn't sunk in for me that it really is going to be Christmas in a couple days. Heck, it still hasn't really sunk in that I'm going to be riding a plane back to Massachusetts on Tuesday. **sighs glumly** I've been so obsessed over money and where and when I was going to find work that I deliberately didn't send out Christmas cards (which I will now have to bring with me), and I never had time (and was unsure that I had the money) to do a lot of Christmas shopping. I'm still not done with anyone's gifts except my mom's. And now I can't even wrap them: I'll have to bring them in my carry-on luggage unwrapped (and bring the wrapping paper with me).

Saturday afternoon and all of Sunday will be my shopping days.

Gods, I haven't talked to my parents all week. I've had so much (to keep myself organized at work), that I haven't had time to talk to them, either. **feels the pangs of guilt of a daughter who should have called her parents at least once during the week**

Time for me to go to bed. I need to be up at 7 in the morning to update my production schedule before I go to work. And if I get done with that early enough, I'll have a half hour to spend with the horses before I have to be in the office.

Senebty

[Melysande]

Gods, I feel so SAD! I've been balling my eyes out all evening. It feels like someone has stuck a metaphorical knife in my heart, or else like someone died. But no one and nothing is making me feel this way. I just feel... sad. And it's driving me bonkers because it's just hormonal mood swings. Even my hands are shaking. And I don't know why. I couldn't even look at the tree tonight without starting to cry. And I don't know why. It's not like I'm not going to see my family for the holidays (unless something untoward happens on my flight).

I guess I just feel overwhelmed. I have so much shopping to do, and only a single day to do it in. I have a file folder of TONS of things I need to do for work, and I don't know how I'm going to get them all done. And I didn't get to pet horses today because the boss took too long getting all of his crap organized (not to mention the fact that he got there an hour late this morning)....

I'm very tired. I'm still worried about money issues. And it didn't help that I had a conversation with my boss that had me asking if my pay was going to stay at $12 an hour or go to $30,000 since this is no longer the trial period and his answer was, "I don't know. So, anyway, back to this letter I want you to write..." **shakes head** I only went on that interview and accepted the trial week deal because it was for $30,000. If he's not going to pay me that, I'm going to work, but keep looking. There's no way in hell I'm going to stay working for someone who wants to cheat me out of my hard earned money.

Life just seems to be going way too fast for me to cope with lately.

**sighs and rubs temples because she has a headache and sore eyes from all of the stupid crying** I really got to get back on the Pill soon. I'd forgotten just how devastating this moodiness is. One minute happy and carefree, the next ready to make heads roll, and the next back to happy, then--bam!--instant waterfall of sorrow.

And speaking of sorrow.... In two weeks, it will have been exactly a year since the last time I was with tika. Tris is going to turn into a wonderful new birdie buddy, but I still miss tika so much. My first Christmas without him. And I won't even be with Tris, either.

**goes to bed and hopes like hell that this feeling passes by morning**

[Melysande]

Well, I feel a little better today. I was up at 6:30 and still feeling moody...well, broody anyway. Did some knitting. Contemplated driving to work just to see the horses this morning. I think I'll go to work early tomorrow so I can see them. I didn't think they'd particularly welcome me being there on a Sunday (rather than going to church, like them). My mood improved when I rearranged my altar (Heru-wer is front and center this time around) and then spent some quality time with Tris.

I got a little shopping done. This is a plus. I've got to go to the bank on Tuesday before I leave, because I need to have some funds in my account to pay my bills with.

It still seems so weird to think that I'm going to be on a plane on Tuesday and back in Massachusetts for the rest of the week. Very surreal, actually. Part of me wants to be there, but another part of me would rather still be here.

**sighs** I want a horse in the worst way. For most of my life, I pined after them. And then, somewhere in high school, I stopped thinking about them much at all, figuring that I was never going to have one and that I'd best stop dwelling on things that just wouldn't ever be. And now, thanks to living here, my desire to have a horse's companionship is stronger than ever.

I'm almost dreading going to work tomorrow because there's just so much stuff I need to try to get done. In the words of someone who should be famous (**winks**), "All I can do is all I can do." If that's not enough, then it won't be for my lack of trying. There's only one of me, and I can only do as much as I can do. (But I still fully intend to take an hour-long lunch, regardless of how much Linda said lunch is frowned upon. Perhaps if she hadn't taken two-and-a-half hour lunch breaks, they wouldn't have frowned on it.) **shrugs** Even if I do get sacked for not performing miracles, I can still go into any job interview and show them exactly what I had to do, because I have a production schedule spreadsheet that I update every night.

[Melysande]

Thank you for Charlotte. She is a very special mare. My first horse, as it were. Today was the last day I'll probably see her before she goes back to CSU to wait out her gestation period as a surrogate. And hopefully, in 11 months, she'll give birth to a wonderful foal, and will not have any complications during pregnancy and beyond. I asked today about whether she was for sale. "She can be," was the answer I got. The fact that she costs way less than the $50,000 the other horses are supposedly worth is a good thing. Not sure how much she *does* cost, though, or where I'd put her if I could afford her. **sighs and shrugs** Anyway, I said goodbye to her today. I did cry a little, and she moved her head up and over the fence and licked exactly where the tear had fallen. Incredibly sweet, in a disgusting green & slimey way. She probably just smelled the saltiness but it was still a sentimental thing for me, since I'd thought a split second before how sappily romantic it would be if she *did* do that. And then, as I was walking back to my car, I was singing, "Goodbye to you". I got in my car and what song do you think was on the radio? Bingo. That very one. Naturally, I told Them that I knew They were listening, so if They could somehow arrange it, I'd love to take care of her.

Anyway, I've spent a productive night. I've washed clothes, packed my bag for my trip and have done three-quarters of my holiday shopping. Tomorrow morning, I NEED to go to the one store left on my list so that I can get this shopping thing completed before I have to be at the airport.

As far as the flight goes, get me there and back in one peace, please. Flying is not particularly a me-thing. (I hate being that close to people for such long periods of time.)

Keep Tris safe and healthy, too. I'm not worried about Wanderer and Nallia's ability to give him water and food or cover and uncover him.... I just don't want him to be bored out of his mind, go off his food from pining, or just all of a sudden be sick for whatever reason. One bird doing that was plenty. I think I'd probably be permanently unhinged if it happened a second time (at least so close to losing the last one).

I'll do my miniscule bit of wrapping tomorrow. Tonight, I need to finish that scarf (seeing as I can't have knitting needles in my carry-on bag, which is the only bag I'm bringing).

[Melysande]

I'm finally home again. Back where I belong. I love my parents and my brother, but man, I *hate* that state. I have a mild touch of claustrophobia and I also happen to have a rather large personal space bubble. Massachusetts makes me very irritable ALL THE TIME, just because of all the people and all the buildings so closely jam-packed together. It's very confining to be there. I feel smothered and cramped. I never feel that way here. Aside from having my sisters here, the "wide open spaces" thing is the main reason I'm here.

**sighs with a small smile** It's December 30th. Only one more full day of 2002 after today before the new year is here. I've been thinking about goals for the past few weeks, whenever I've had time to escape the terrible need to find a job. (Dua Netjeru! It might not be the best, but it's better than the last one.) I have a lot of goals that I'd like to achieve in 2003. I'm convinced that 2003 will be a very lucky, happy year. 23 (which is visible in "2-0-0-3") is one of my lucky numbers, and it appears in this year. Whereas numbers like 22, 33, 44, 88, and 1111 are unlucky numbers for me. So, 2002 (which has "2-2" in it) isn't the luckiest number in the world as far as I'm concerned. **shrugs** It's a strange little me-thing.

I don't have a whole lot of time left before I need to be in work, so I'm going to hold off on posting my latest revision of My Goals for 2003 list.

**shakes head with a weary sigh** It's been a hell of a year. I lost tika. I got fed up with my job. I went on the best (and only) vacation of my whole life. I went to NY for a week, and I drove all the way across the country to get to my new/true home, and obsessed over finding a new job. I even managed to knit a really pretty scarf for the first time in my life. I've had the willies scared out of me more times than I can imagine this year (mostly for groundless reasons, but sometimes for valid ones), and I've conquered a huge chunk of my fears. I'm frelling EXHAUSTED from trying to conquer my fears. But I'm stronger for the experience.

I'm hoping that the coming year brings gentler lessons, satisfaction job-wise, weight loss (in a healthful way), a horse of my own, and direction.

Aye, above all, direction. I feel like I've been floundering since I got here. Well, that's not quite true.... I felt like I was floundering (languishing? stagnating?) even before I got here. I'm wandering somewhat aimlessly as far as my career goes. I need to pick a direction and start going that way. Only, I don't know which way to go. I don't know which way I even *want* to go. And that's something I really need to think about over the course of the coming year.

But in the meantime, I need to get my butt to work.

[Melysande]

**is pensive**

Two-Thousand and Three. I can't believe it's here. It's so strange. I haven't quite been able to wrap my mind around the change of year as of this moment.

"That time of the month" is nearly over, but I still feel so out-of-sorts.

I'm tired, too. I went to bed late last night. I had a dream that my boss was showing me how to do something. And then the dream changed to a winter scene outside and I was inside looking at a mirror in a bathroom and wondering if my front tooth was going to fall out. I hate it when I dream about that. It always makes me paranoid that when I look in a real mirror when I'm awake, I will still have teeth falling out of my head. Very strange. And then the dream switched to me wandering around an animal museum exhibit when the museum had just closed.

I feel adrift and very disconnected from everyone and everything. I keep writing down goals, and I plan on striving to achieve them, but something is missing. **shrugs** I dunno. Maybe it's just that I hate change, and yet, change keeps happening in my life and the lives of my roommates at an annoyingly, ridiculously fast pace. I mean, as far as my own life goes, I had a job. I gave up said job. I moved to my new home. I got a new job. I gave up said job. And now I've got a new job. I like it here well enough, but with the way Murphy's been messing with me lately I could end up in a car accident, or my boss could lose his lawsuits for some weird reason and be forced to lay me off. Or some other annoying, worrisome thing. And even if I do manage to stay employed for as long as I want, I don't know that this will be what I want to do. And then there's the part about where I live. To be continued......

[Melysande]

Continuation....


I plan on living here in this house for two years. Well, actually, a year and a half, now. But it constantly worries me that we won't have enough money to pay the rent and that we'll have to leave this house. I'm trying hard to maintain a positive way of thinking, but it's hard sometimes, and it causes me sleepless nights. It's nothing anyone can help me with. I just have to deal with it. And yet my brain doesn't always shut up long enough to let me fall asleep. (And then I end up with nights like Friday night, where I was dead tired and still couldn't even begin to attempt to sleep until 2 a.m.) Hopefully, my brain will learn to be quiet sooner or later. **sighs** ANd then, after our lease is up, I don't know that I will still live here. I still really want to have my own place. (Not because my roomies are bad or anything... It's just that being able to have my own home for just myself has always been my dream. Always. It's a self-sufficiency/independence thing.)

I've always hated not having any idea of what the future holds. When I was in elementary school, I knew I was going on to junior high. There was no uncertainty there. And when I got to high school, I was less certain of my future. I knew I was going to college, but I didn't know where or for what purpose. And it scared me. And then, I got to college, and the big unknown after graduation scared the WILLIES out of me. Then I got a job at Penton, and was happy. And then I was laid off and had five months of mental terror because I didn't know if I was ever going to be able to find a job ever again.

Not having any idea of what I want to do or how to go about doing it once I do find out what I want, or being able to do what I want when I find out what I want, drives me bonkers.

I'm certain I don't want to be my boss's secretary for the next eight or nine years. I'm not good at staying in one place for any great length of time. The longest I ever had a steady job was for 18 months. I get bored so easily. Constantly searching for new adventures (despite not liking change).

**shakes head, shrugs and sighs** I'll just wait for now to see what the future seems to hold. I'm evidently where I'm supposed to be. Maybe, I'll be there just long enough to make sure we can pay our rent, get some nice experience on my resume, get a horse and then move on to something bigger and better... whatever that may be.

[Melysande]

**smiles happily** It's a beautiful day, and I have the office all to myself because everyone else is gone to the boss's swearing-in ceremony and I opted to stay here to get work done. (Heh. **amused twinkle in her eyes**)

Thank you for my friends and my family, even though I seldom talk to any of them anymore (with the exception of my roomies).

Thank you for my feathered sons.

Thank you for somehow always making my wishes come true.

Thank you for always listening to me.

Thank you for getting me a desk job that lets me goof off swhen the boss is away, and that lets be with horses every day.

Thank you for this state. It's been so good for my soul. I like the wide open spaces that don't have people on them. The claustrophobe in me vastly prefers this to Massachusetts.

Thank you for the fresh-smelling breeze, the warm golden sunlight, and the way both feel on my skin.

Thank you for the gift of literacy.

Thank you for the current upswing in my emotional state. It sure beats the other extreme.

Thank you for my dreams last night. I can't remember what they were, but for once, I think they were actually *good* dreams, rather than the strange or the horrifying.

Thank you for this current space in my life. I'm not sure why I was supposed to end up working for this guy, but hey, it's money, horses, and work that doesn't kill my knees. Plus, it's close to home. I'm glad I found work before the school closed. I'm sorry for them (the staff and the children) that the school is closed, but I'm glad I got out when I did, and I'm glad that now they have the chance to move on to something better, to experiences that they need more than the ones they left.

Thank you for music, which makes my day go by so much faster.

Thank you for the new episode of Buffy. It's the one show I watch each week, so I'm always glad when it's a wicked good episode that leaves me wanting more.

Thank you for a wide open office with LOTS of windows that look out onto greenish gold grass, small conifers and mountains. It's SO much better than my old office at AMR (tiny, no windows in my office, and the only windows in the hallway looked out to.... another building, ten feet away).

So, for right now, my life is pretty good. Here's hoping it stays that way for awhile.

[Melysande]

My brother wants to be part of a tank crew for the Army. And if he makes it, the recruiter says he's going to be shipped to the Middle East for Christmas.

Oh, Joy. Oh, Rapture.

Watch over him. And let anyone who kills him be cursed with incurable leprosy. Or ebola. Or SOMETHING.

[Melysande]

**winces in pain** My head is killing me. Throbbing temples, pinched forehead, stiff facial muscles and eyeballs that feel like they're being squeezed in someone's fists.

Today has been odd. I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off all day long. And I keep getting odd flashes of deja vu, too. Hate it when that happens.

All I want when I go home is aspirin, Ramen noodles, a good book, a call to my parents (because my dad asked me in e-mail to call home tonight), time with Tris, and sleep.

I didn't even get to see the horses today because I had to go to the bank and the Post Office. **pouts a little** No wonder the day has dragged by (despite having a ton of stuff to do).

Going home at 5. He wants me here on Saturday, so I'm not staying a second later today. Well, at least not in the office. I might visit the horses before I go home. Here's hoping de-stressing with my favorite horse out of the herd will help me get rid of this headache.

[Melysande]

**her headache long forgotten, Mel sits in the sun drenched atrium, basking in the light and warmth and the presence of her Divine Ones**

I think I'm shifting again. Not away from Egypt, but even more toward it. It's just taken me a year of studying to really see that this is the direction I want to go in. I just wish there were more hours in the day so that I could spend more time on everything I want to spend my time on. (No. That wasn't an actual wish for additional hours. It was just a gripe.)

I'm also sure that whatever becomes of the rest of my life, I want horses in it somehow. I patted Charlotte this morning for just a couple seconds, and the smile she put on my face when I looked into the rearview mirror in my car was one of the most genuinely happy smiles I've had in a long time. It really seemed to take years off my face.

I had said before that my year of study was up on the 11th, but a look at my journal shows that the 28th is the actual anniversary date. I'm definitely going to do something special to comemmorate it. There's so much I want to learn and achieve in my spiritual life. And lately, I just haven't had the energy or the desire to do anything other than occasionally light the candles on my altar and chit-chat with You. I have a lot of stuff I want to do this year.

I have to work tomorrow, but I want to clean my room and wash clothes tomorrow, too. My room just doesn't feel the way it should to me. There's too much clutter, and the furniture isn't arranged properly. Well, actually, it's just that five-shelf unit I don't like. It's too big for my room. I'm going to pull it apart and keep one half in my room. The other can go downstairs so I can have something to put the printer on. I may see what I can find to use to cover the part in my room, too. Right now, it's utilitarian, but not pretty. Maybe I'll make a quilt or something to cover it. I don't know yet. Or maybe I'll just see what I can do about dying one of my old bed sheets and putting that on there instead.

On Sunday morning, I'm going to Beverly's house to visit her and her horses. That should be fun. She's such a nice lady.

Last night, Tris surprised me. When I covered him for the night, he gave me the cockatiel I Love You wing-flap display. I'm glad he's getting used to me. He's such a wonderful little bird.

[Melysande]

Oy. I have a feeling I'm going to suffer burnout from this job very quickly. He wants me to schedule to take half a day off each week because he wants me to come in for half a day on Saturdays from now on. This is seriously Un-Cool.

**sighs** Ah well. This, too, shall pass. I may try to stick with this anyway. At least for a year. I've never managed to stay with anything longer than a year and a half anyway.

**is slightly amused and bemused, too** I'm a record keeper and a scribe here at the ranch. Why didn't I think of that before? Now I see why I got this job. It's Her doing. **chuckles** Thank You, Lady. It's going to drive me nuts, but at least it lets me see horses every day.

I'm almost halfway done with another scarf. Yayyyy! And then I can send it on to my mother and start making another scarf for myself with this cool other yarn I got.

I get to sleep in tomorrow. Very happy about that. Wish I could go home right now. **sighs and continues to ignore the work on her desk**

[Melysande]

Okay, now *that* was unfair. **crosses eyes and gently bangs head against wall** My boss said he'll be strolling through the office door at 5 and he wants me to stay so we can go over stuff.

Lady, is he trying to kill me?

[Melysande]

**marvels** I've really got Your ear lately, don't I? :) Thank You for letting him change his mind last night and send me home instead of making me work late. And this morning was great, too. I just barely wrote it in my personal journal how much I didn't want to go into work at noon, and two seconds later, he called and said he'd call me when he got in (around 1 or so) so we could see whether he feels like going over work with me. Too cool. Much obliged.

**mixes sweet essential oils and puts them in a dish, then lights the tea light candle underneath**

[Ahautenites]

. . . Or something like that. :p **refrains from commenting about giving out free samples**


Glad I finally had a chance to do some ritual last night. It's been too long. Officially introduced myself under the name that has taken me a year to find: NeferSesemet (Beautiful Mare). This way, I can go by "Sesemet" or just "Ses". I introduced Tris, too, and laid out my plans for the coming year. Lots of stuff to do and learn.

**Ses leaves a bouquet of roses on the altar, then exits the thread**

[Ahautenites]

**Ses lights the candles in her temple one by one, then lovingly anoints each statue with a drop or two of Orchid essential oil and leaves a prayer of thanks for each of them. Then she turns on her CD player so that music reminiscent of ancient Egypt floats through the air....She dances around for the sheer joy of it as a gift for her Great Ones**

[Ahautenites]

**is pensive** Just having a minor crisis of "Where Do I Go From Here?" I'm sure it will all sort itself out in the end, but for right now, I feel the need to start moving spiritually in some direction, but I'm not sure which way to go. There's a four-month Kemetic Orthodoxy class coming up that I could take (it's free), but I'm still not sure if that's where I want to be. You picked me in spite of my not being one of your Kemetic Orthodox Shemsu. Now, is it that You picked me because you liked what I was, or because You liked me but wanted me to be pursuaded by Kemetic lifestyle and religion?

The tarot cards basically say: Sleep on it. Make no big decisions now. So that's what I've been doing.

And if I follow Rob Breszny's advice, I'm supposed to do things I fear at least twice a week. . . in addition to taking full advantage of "my powers of telepathy." **wry smile** So, since I'm hesitant to explore Kemetic Orthodoxy, I should do so. It's only a four month distance learning course, and I can back out at any time if I decide it's not for me. And once the course is complete (if I go that long), I can either decide to be Remetj (which is what I technically am now, anyway), or else go on to be a member of that faith.

I just have major issues with following any religious leader, no matter how much I do respect their accomplishments. It's ultimately a control freak issue, I think. (I *need* to be in control of everything in my life, as much as I can be, anyway.) And I guess it's also an independence thing. I don't like the idea of having anyone else responsible for my spirituality. I've done just fine without any other living mortal's spiritual guidance so far.

Another problem is that I'm sensing a need to choose which aspect of Netjer to serve. Seshat is the one who owns my head, but I don't necessarily have to choose Her (or choose *only* Her). Ma'at is the other Netjert who has periodically done things that have gotten my attention. While I have statues of Heru-Wer, Bast, and Aset, I've never had them try to get my attention. (Well, okay, Bast did try to remind me in November and December that all work and no play makes a very bedraggled Jenn, but other than that, She hasn't said anything to me. I think She's content to have just given me that advice.)


Ah well.... I'll "sleep on it," I guess.

[Ahautenites]

**has a mildly sick feeling in the pit of her stomach** Some days, it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. Can't believe I did something that *stupid*. The car was still running decently enough the last time I checked on it, 10 minutes ago, but please.... please, please, PLEASE let it keep working until I can get it fixed, and *please* don't let it cost too much.


Meanwhile, as I was typing that, Diana called and was about to tell me something, but then she got all excited because a bald eagle was in the tree in front of her on the road. So.... Hyllar, if you're listening, too, you know I welcome your help.

[Ahautenites]

Well, it's been four days, and I decided to join that class. I'm scared, excited, and curious. Partly about the class itself, and partly I'm wondering if I'll be accepted into the class. Ah well, I've done all I could do. Now it's up to them to review my app. :)

[Ahautenites]

**The bright sunlight on this beautiful day has melted away the early morning snow that had swirled through the temple.

Ses sits on a particularly lovely tile of the atrium floor, feeling the warmth of the stone soaking into her legs, and feeling the warm, comforting sunshine carress her bare arms, neck, and face.... IN this place, she wills herself to forget her troubles and think of nothing, just breathing, feeling her own gentle swaying with the beating of her heart.**

[Ahautenites]

Thank you for a beautiful day with my sisters. :)

**places a deep burgundy velvet rose at the base of each statue in the temple in gratitude**

[Ahautenites]

I'm tired. I wanna be rich enough to not have to work for a living. I wanna be able to stay outside to enjoy the nice days, and stay inside when I want to, too. I want to write what and when I want to write, read what and when I want to read, sing when I want to sing, watch TV when I want to (and have cable so I can watch what I want). I want to create artwork when I want to (if I want to). I want to pat horses (and ride them) when I want to.

I think I just want to win the Clearing House Sweepstakes.

**sighs** My job is easy enough when the boss isn't here, but he's a very demanding guy when he *is* here. He's a likeable enough person, but he's extremely impatient and he expects me to know things that I just wouldn't have any knowledge of. (Like IT troubleshooting.... and he expects me to find a way to "make it happen.")

[Ahautenites]

Hmmmmmm. Wish I'd read that thread on Kemet Online before I submitted my application to the beginner's class. Well, at least I know now rather than later. Always good to know these things. Thank You for the Internet. I trust Renee Levant a lot more than I trust Tamara Siuda, simply because I've talked with Renee before at Beliefnet.

Note to self: If your gut says something is off, listen to it. Don't try to convince yourself otherwise over a period of time. If you get a whiff of rotten cabbage (no matter how slight) the first time, chances are very good that it won't smell like fresh-blooming roses on closer inspection.

Lesson learned? Yes, ma'am. Will I still continue the class, if accepted, even knowing at the outset that it isn't what I want? Part of me wants to say yes, just in case there is something in there that might be useful, but the larger part of me says I can learn elsewhere. I'm going to go with that opinion.

Not a total loss, though. I mean, I had to answer thoughtfully some good questions about what I'm looking for. So, at least I'm sussing out what I'm after, even if Kemetic Orthodoxy is not it.

**leaves a bowl of perfectly ripe fruits on the altar, and chalice of cool, refreshing spring water**

[Ahautenites]

**sighs** I'm so tired. Went to bed last night at 10 and was up this morning at 5:20 officially.... 3:30 unofficially. And even though I slept, I woke up exhausted because I worked in my dreams again. I never dreamed so much about my previous jobs. It's a sign that I'm too preoccupied with something that isn't truly worthy of *that* much of my time.

I need to find a new job. This current one is driving me nuts.

< RANT >
Yesterday was a day from hell, workwise. And I don't get paid enough to do what he was making me do for him yesterday. I never said I was an IT person. And yet, he says, "You gotta become an expert on this." He was referring to his iPAQ and the setting up of a new e-mail alias in his Outlook. **grumbles crossly** He's had so many different people set things up for his Internet stuff that no one knows exactly WHO has ownership of the passwords. I need a correct username/password combination to make Outlook do what I want it to. But, I called the guy who was supposed to have it and he said another guy had it. So, I called the other guy and he said the FIRST guy was supposed to have it. Meanwhile, CI Hosting (the host) can't/won't give me the password because I'm just the boss's assistant, not the boss himself. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!

And that brings me to today. I need to find driving instructions to the Capitol building, and then find somewhere to park so that I can have this dumb orientation. The only good thing about it is that (if by some miracle I find the place, despite getting instructions from my roomies and the Internet) I'll at least be able to gripe and bitch to Kris about it.

After that, I need to find my way back home again and get my car's emissions checked. Possibly, I may have time to get the thing registered today. (I can hope, can't I?)

[Ahautenites]

**smiles** Car's fixed and registered and I have plates now. Woohoo!

**sighs** My boss's email password issue is still driving me absolutely bonkers, though.

And back on the bright side, I have stuff to think about making. I might hit Walmart tonight to get some supplies.

**shakes head** What a miserable week it's been. I'm so tired. And I don't know how to stop dreaming of work. I don't go to bed thinking about work. Half the time I think of nice things. The other half of the time I just fall asleep before my head touches the pillow.

I can go home in an hour and a half. I'm not answering the house phone or my cell tonight.

Not sure what anyone else wants for dinner. Part of me wants lasagna, but the other part of me wants to make that crab and artichoke dip in the Hawaiian bread bowl.

[Ahautenites]

**yawns** So tired. Eight more hours to go and I can go home.

I'm grateful that the weekend is finally here again. This week has been brutal.

The line Jareth says to Sarah in Labyrinth ("I'm exhausted from living up to your expectations") is an accurate description of how I feel working here. **shakes head** I wanted a job so badly. This one was the only one that presented itself to me immediately, so I took it. Seeing the horses has been great, and making friends with Beverly and Kris has been great, too. But I've got to get my butt out of here. This weekend, when I'm not busy recuperating from this week's toil, I need to do some more job hunting. How I *hate* job hunting. Next job must be better all around.

**yawns again, eyes watering, and falls asleep in the thread**

[Ahautenites]

Cramps. Ugh.

At least the moodiness didn't bother me this month. Instead, my face attacked me and now my ovaries are giving me grief. Just.**clenched teeth**..... lovely.

Made that Maui dip last night. That stuff is wicked good. **leaves some dip and Hawaiian sweet bread cubes neatly arranged on a plate on the altar**

The weather is gorgeous today. Dua Netjer for that. :)

And I'm home for the weekend. Yeeehah, for that!

After I get paid next week, I'm going to refill two of my three acne prescriptions. (One of them I still have plenty of. It's just a topical, so it only adresses half of the problem, and not as effectively as I need it to.)

So.... it's the end of January and I've gotten nowhere goalwise. Way to go, me. That's always been a major problem for me. I always have lofty projects in mind, but I rarely ever see things through to completion.

[Ahautenites]

**NeferSesemet wills Japanese shakuhachi flute music to play in the background (because the sounds of that flute drive out negative energy) and places a silvered Corynthian-leaved candle in a crystal candleholder on the altar and lights it... then she places a statue of Djehuty and a statue of Sekhmet on the altar behind the candle, and she places red ochre and black maganese oxide in a small blue mosaic-tiled offering dish... Next, she places a delicate pink, lavender and cornflower blue blown glass perfume bottle (with a healing lavender essential oil in it) on the altar, and lights a stick of rain-scented incense... She then takes a bunch of beatiful wildflowers and weaves them into a small wreath and carefully lifts the candlestick and places it in the center of the wreath... then she takes the glass stick-stopper out of the perfume bottle and touches it to the candle, spelling Lunacie's name on it while thinking healing thoughts... Then she replaces the stopper and picks up each stone from the offering dish and touches it to the candle, asking that the stones lend their healing energy to Lunacie. Then she sits back to still her thoughts for a moment, and envisions herself forming a warm, gentle, healing sphere of undulating blue, green, lavender, pink, and pale gold and silver energy between her hands.... then she moves the sphere so that it envelops the candle in its healing glow, where it will find its way to the corresponding energy that is Lunacie and will work at washing away the sickly green areas of illness inside her**

Djehuty.... Greatest of Magicians and wise healer.

Sekhmet.... Mother of the Healing Arts and wager of wars against disease.

Go to Lunacie. Heal her. Make her strong and well again. Quench her thirst... Douse the fires of her fever, but grant her comfort and warmth when she shivers with cold. Give her hearty appetite, so that her body will have energy. Give her peaceful dreams as she rests, so that her body will have the strength to overcome her enemy.

**anoints both statues with the oil, too, and leaves a beautiful pale moon yellow rose for Djehuty and a perfect peach-colored rose with blood-red edges for Sekhmet**

Dua, Djehuty. Dua, Sekhmet. Nekhtet! Senebty, Lunacie.

[Ahautenites]

**grins happily** I've never heard Tris sound like that before. And that he did it for 40 minutes was really cool. Thank You for him.

[Ahautenites]

I have a "thing" agaiinst waking up before the sun. I hate it with a passion. So why am I up? Because my boss wanted me in an hour earlier today. **hisses in extreme irritably** I feel sick to my stomach because I'm up too early. Hate this. Need a new (MUCH BETTER) job, fast, because this really isn't worth a measley $12 an hour.

[Ahautenites]

**small smile** Thank you for WolfFM.com, and for the '80's song "Roseanna." It reminds me of when I was a little girl being babysat by my grandmother. I can remember the way it looked and smelled in her house, and how I was sitting on the piano bench trying to play parts of that song by ear. And I remember green spearmint sugared gumdrop leaves. And Claussen dill pickle juice. And the goldfish. (I used to stick my hands in the tank to play with them.)

Flash forward to other memories triggered by Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time." My cousins and I would be roller skating in thier slanted driveway or else playing house. Then we'd go inside when it got too hot and we'd pretend we were rock stars. Then we'd pull down all the shades in the house and play hide 'n' seek in the dark. (Much more challenging than playing while we could SEE.) And then we'd beg for money from our mom's and we'd walk down to Norton's, the corner store, or else go a little farther to Dee's, the other corner store. I remember getting candy lipsticks and candy necklaces, Park Ave Punch, Hoodsies. And there were also gummy mermaids, and this smelly stuff in a tube that you could put on the end of a straw and blow real bubbles with (it was inedible).

And that reminds me of going to the library. That used to be such a special treat because I loved to read. I can remember the musty smell of the Lynn Public Library, and the sounds, and the coolness inside, because it was a gigantic old marble building.

And now I'm listening to the song that's about "Two days til we say we're sorry." Love that song. It's so much fun. I can remember laughing at my own mistakes as I tried to learn the words to that song on the way to work in Beverly Farms. **sighs** I miss that job. I loved working there. And the drive was so nice (except for the Salem Bridge... that was always a bit of a pain, but not really that big a deal). It was a really nice learning experience for me, that job. **smile fades a little** I spent most of that 14 months believing I was in love with this guy from Texas. It wasn't until I saw what friends really are that I saw him for what he was. A sleazoid. **shrugs** Live and learn. At least I never met him in person.

**chuckles** Now I'm listening to a song that reminds me of Elementary School. ("Don't you want me baby?") I can remember sitting on the front porch of our old three-family home after just getting home from school, just listening to the music playing next door while looking through a mail order catalog (Harriet Carter, for those of you who are curious). My cousins and I used to love pretending we went to Witches' School. (How's that for a lifestyle indicator?) I got to be the teacher and I had a vampire for a boyfriend. **laughs at her own silliness** We three loved watching The Worst Witch (the movie... with Fairuza Balk when she was just starting out as an actress) and, of course, Labyrinth.

**pauses to hear the new song that's playing** Depeche Mode. (Is that how you spell it?) This reminds me of junior high school. Junior High School was, without a doubt, the WEIRDEST time of my life. I remember very little about it. I mean, I remember more than many people do, but it's all so scattered. I was just always so busy doing homework and suffering from terrible stress headaches and migraines. Plus we moved right in the middle of it. For the longest time, I didn't consider that place my home. I called it "the house." Not home. I read a lot of weird books then. But I also read some good ones, too. That's when I started reading the Earth's Children series. I started with the second book because that's the only one the school library had. I almost put it down when I read the first sentence. "She was dead." Okaaaaaaay. **laughs** It wasn't until later on that I realized that it was actually a continuation of a book I'd seen made into a movie ("Clan of the Cave Bear").

Ahhh. "Harden My Heart." Reminds me of summer cookouts down my grandparents house.... Possibly late in July. Watching the sun set, roasting marshmallows, playing tennis with the smelly black walnuts. Shooting hoops--we liked playing 'Round the World. It's a game where you have to shoot hoops from diferent points in a clocklike fashion. I remember one time I ruined a pair of glasses by catching a basketball on the nose. After the pain subsided, I was extremely amused to see the dimples of the ball imprinted right on my nose. **sighs** Gods, I was so tan then. And I had freckles splashed all over my nose. I even had a dimple in one cheek. Only in one. It was goofy-looking, but sweet. I smiled a lot more then.

"Put a little love in your heart." Sitting in front of the tiny black and white TV in my mother's room watching weekday afternoon cartoons. That song was part of a commercial that I can't quite remember. I loved the way the sunlight streamed into that bedroom. It made everything so bright and cheery. And when I got bored with the cartoons, I'd play Atari (the REAL Atari) for hours on end. I loved playing Stampede and Pinball. I was really good at both of them. I played Frogger every now and then, but every time I got on the log with that female frog, she'd push me off. It was so rude. Ah well. I was never good enough to get past level 2 anyway.

Oy. 'Nuff of this trip down memory lane.

[Ahautenites]

**crawls onto a poofy cushion, covers herself with a blanket and just cries**

I am trying as hard as I can for this guy. And it just isn't enough. I fell asleep last night and was so tired that for the first time EVER, I forgot to set my alarm clock and I woke up late. And now he's mad at me because I don't have a number for a guy who he said he was talking about yesterday. I don't remember it. And if he really did need the info on him, we would have realized YESTERDAY that we didn't have the info. I don't even know who he IS, much less have the information or know where to look to find it. And then I called the Staffing agency and she said she couldn't find me anything else because it would be unethical, and that the job market out there is hard. No freakin'-s***, Sherlock! She offered to talk to him about his behavior and about possibly trying to get me more money, but I told her not to because if anyone should talk to him, it ought to be me.

I have GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS JOB AND INTO SOMETHING BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ahautenites]

**Ses walks slowly and calmly into her temple's bathing room, admiring the candles glowing and reflecting off artistically placed groupings of crystals and windchimes. The air is comfortably warm and the chamber smells of the night-blooming jasmine growing all around. The sounds of flowing water and tranquil music help to ease her frazzled nerves and sooth her spirit. Leaving her clothes by the side of the pool that serves as her bathtub, she slowly, gratefully, and contentedly slips into the warm, bubbly water. With her head resting against the side of the pool, she just relaxes on a submerged step and allows all of the day's irritations and annoyances to be washed away by the gentle current of the water.**

[Ahautenites]

**After soaking her troubles away, Ses got out of the pool, dried off, relaxed awhile longer, and went to bed. Now she's in another temple room, and she's looking over a sheet she'd brought from the real world**

Ses’s Hours Plus Expenses – 1/31/03

Hours:
1/16 8.0 hrs
1/17 9.5 hrs
1/20 9.5 hrs
1/21 5.5 hrs
1/22 9.0 hrs
1/23 7.0 hrs
1/24 7.5 hrs
1/27 8.5 hrs
1/28 9.5 hrs
1/29 4.5 hrs
1/30 8.0 hrs
1/31 8.0 hrs
Total: 94.5 hrs

Mileage:
1/21 44 miles
1/22 44 miles
1/28 44 miles
1/30 44 miles
Total: 176 miles

Parking:
1/21 $0 (Tom paid me $9 out of his own wallet for all day parking)
1/22 $4 (for 20 minutes)
1/28 $9 (all day parking)
1/30 $9 (all day parking)
Total: $22

Miscellaneous Expenses:
The phone I bought at Wal-Mart for Tom’s office at the Capitol -- $9.48

**Ses shakes her head, recalling what her boss had said to her last night that made her so annoyed** When I told him I had to get home because we were having a guest at dinner, he told me that I really need to try harder to accomodate his schedule. I think all the evidence points to the fact that I really am trying, despite the fact that I get a pittance pay.


**sighs, shrugs and lets it all slide off her own back like water off a duck's back** At least I'll get a good paycheck today, which will be good, because I can pay my credit card bill.

[Ahautenites]

I may not be Wiccan anymore, but yesterday was Imbolc, and it is still a time of cleaning for me. Tidying the house, my thoughts, my dreams, my aspirations.... my life... in preparation for the year to come. Well, there's a lot of stuff that needs sprucing up. I have to make an effort to get to it soon before it becomes too much to deal with (kind of like the size of my mountain of dirty clothes).

I already made a bunch of wishes last night. Here's hoping they all come true in the best possible ways for everyone.

**Ses puts six blue sparkly candles on the altar, with a name carved in each. She lights them and admires them for awhile, envisioning her wishes for each of them coming to fruition.**

"If it was easy/fair, how would you know it was Life?" I just now remembered that from a book I read a couple years ago. (And the whole "It's not *fair*!" thing from Labyrinth helped jog my memory of it.)

**places another candle, emerald green in color, with three little cars stamped into it, then lights it and hopes good "Car"ma will come Nallia's way, and Phoenix's, and her own way, too**

[Ahautenites]

**In another room of the temple, Ses is reclining, listening to the musical tinkling of a nearby fountain and enjoying the heat and warmth of the winter sun and admiring the glittering snow outside.**

Gods, I was so dreading having the boss come back to *this* office at 3:30. Turns out, he meant his office at the Capitol. So relieved!

I've gotten plenty of work done, but not the work he would prefer that I work on (even though this stuff has been needing to get done for quite some time).

**dines on her lunch: an orange, an Asian pear, white grapes and a kiwi** No, I probably won't eat all of it today. If I did, my intestines would show me how much they didn't appreciate it. All the same, I'm glad I have all of this fruit. It's lower cal than chocolate and it's giving me the same boost that chocolate would.

[Ahautenites]

Good morning! **smiles**

Here's hoping today is as good as yesterday, if not better. It has all the promise of being a good day: sunshine, music, full night's rest, new Buffy episode, and Kemetic e-mail course.


**nods** I've decided that even though I know at the outset that Kemetic Orthodox is not what I want, I still want some spoonfed lessoning for once. It's only a four-month long course. And I can still learn things from them, seeing as I will have interaction with at least one professional Egyptologist.

**sighs** Last night, I was so tired that I went to bed at 9 listening to my Goblet of Fire audio book and I fell asleep during it. The last thing I remember was that Harry was under the invisibility cloak in Hogsmead (or however it's spelled) and he was happy because in 12 hours, he was going to be speaking with Sirius.

But I did sleep very well. That's a plus. **grins** Woke up at 5:59 (one minute before my alarm clock went off.... I do that a lot. It's funny.) and reset it for 6:45.

And how weird is it that I just wrote the word "reset" and thought for a second that I'd somehow lapsed into speaking in Kemetic? **shakes head, chuckling**

[Ahautenites]

Must get out of here soon.

I keep saying it, and I keep looking at jobs, but then I keep not updating my resume and sending it out.

**yawns** Tired. I didn't want to get up this morning. My bed was so nice and warm and comfortable.

Can't believe my mom turns 50 in six days. I need to finish that scarf and send it to her.

Glad my credit card company received my payment on time. I was cutting it extremely close.

I'm hoping that next month, I'll be able to buy myself my belated Christmas gifts. I've got a whole list of stuff I want, but I don't dare spend the money at the moment. I'd like to make one more nice payment on my credit card before I go spending any more. March will be here fast enough, anyway. And with any luck, I'll be in a new job soon that will let me have my cake and eat it, too. **pauses to hear her rumbling stomach** Ugh. It's only 10 and I'm already hungry. Good thing I brought an orange with me to tide me over until lunch.

[Ahautenites]

I am so BORED. Yes, I have work to do, but I really don't want to be doing any of it. Hate this place. Even seeing horses every day isn't enough anymore. Stagnating here. Need something different as soon as possible.

**howls** Can't believe how SLOWLY this day is going. I've got to be here for two more hours before I can go home.

[Ahautenites]

I keep focussing on the same kinds of movies. Alice In Wonderland (which I hate, and yet reminders of it kept popping up all last year), Wizard of Oz (which I hated all of my life except for this most recent time I watched it, and which keeps cropping up in my life lately, driving me nuts), and Labyrinth (which I can't seem to stop watching, no matter how bored I am with the plot). What do they all have in common?

Fantasy, yes.

Escape to an alternate reality, yes.

And most importantly of all (or at least that's the impression I'm getting), is that they all have a main character who goes into these places searching for something (the rabbit, the way home, and the baby brother and the way home), and yet they end up finding something even more important: themselves. And I ask myself.... who am I? I have half-baked dreams, hopes, memories, yearnings... and still, I don't really know who I am or where I'm going.

For some reason, You've taken an interest in me. I have no clue why. (Not that I'm trying to sound ungrateful. Just perplexed.)

And in separate (or perhaps extremely related) news, my most recent tarot card reading says that I will soon get a second chance to make use of a skill or ability that I had allowed to atrophy. **shrugs head, bewildered** No clue what skill or ability that might be. A Jacqueline of all trades, but mistress of none, that's me.

Ah, well. Maybe my mind will mull things over when I go to bed. **shrugs**

On the bright side, at least now I know what has been the point of those thumpings on my head. Just me (or You) asking me who I am?

The next question that comes to mind is: Who Do You Want To Be?

Answered that one in the Cloud & Tree when I said what I wanted out of life. It's not *all* that I want out of life, but it's a good start.

And then the question becomes, What Steps Can I Take To Become This Person I Want To Be?

Not. A. Clue.

I want to be too many things, I think. I should probably narrow it down or else I'll not get any of them accomplished.

[Ahautenites]

Thank You for letting me get to work okay today when so many other people didn't because of the snow. (Now, if You'll just help me continue the trend on my way home, we'll be all set.)

Thank You for not letting me do more than an ounce of work today. And thank You for letting us all have fun with the "plus and minus-" thread. It's had me stifling hysterical laughter all day long. I've missed having days like that. It's a mini answer to my prayers. I wanted escapism, I wanted to escape with friends, and I wanted adventure. Now, I've got it. For a little while, at least.

I hope You'll grant Wanderer the stoicism needed to deal with any crap Jess might give her. (And I still hope Jess gets thumped on the head at the exact moment she tries any of her stupid sh**. )

[Ahautenites]

**bangs head on wall** I HATE THIS PLACE, I HATE THIS PLACE, I HATE THIS PLACE.

I just agreed to give them part of my Saturday in exchange for Wednesday afternoons off. (And let's not forget coming in early on Mondays, too.) **sighs** This place is *killing* me.

But if I need to see it on the bright side (and I do, really, I do), at least now I will have a built-in time to go on interviews.

[Ahautenites]

**Ses walks quietly out to the ledge of the temple overlooking the tranquil river, and sits at the edge, her back against a decorated pillar holding up the structure. The sunlight angles down on her and she closes her eyes for a moment to enjoy the warm caress.**

I had strange dreams last night. And now I can't remember them. The night before, I was learning how to use a flying carpet in the middle of the night so that I could make it to my classes at Hogwarts.

Part of me wishes I could just stay dreaming. That way, I wouldn't have to go to work today. **shakes head** I HATE having to work on the weekend. It's my frelling weekend. Why should he get to have what is supposed to be my free time??? **picks up a small pebble and violently chucks it into the water** I'm so sick and tired of working for this *ingrate*. **scowls** I'd planned to spend today catching up on all the things I don't have time to do during the week (washing dishes, washing clothes, going grocery shopping, sending out my resume to potential employers....) and now my whole morning is frelled up. He's NOT getting my afternoon! **is slightly surprised that her voice echoes across the water**

**Ses makes an unitelligible growl before getting up and muttering about needing to go get washed up and go to the bank. Then she walks back out of the thread**

[Ahautenites]

Last night's dream was one where I was going on car/bike (strange vehicle...sometimes a bike, sometimes a car) in the night just riding around, seeing the sights and going shopping with my cousins Tracy and Hollie and my Aunt Bonni and Uncle Larry (and every single one of them looked a LOT younger than they are now). Then the dream changed and I was driving around with the Scoobies (from Buffy) in a van, and we got out and kicked some vampire butt. (They'd all pretended to be nice, "tame" vampires, but we knew better.)

It was a very active dream night because I went to bed at 7:30 last night and didn't wake up until 8:30-ish. Didn't even realize that Nallia had spent the night elsewhere until I remembered (aroung noontime) her saying she was going to be spending a few days elsewhere before she went back to NY. **shrugs** Totally oblivious, I am. **shakes head** Meanwhile, I'm still in need of another 13-hour nap, but I won't get it because tomorrow is Monday and I've got to be at work early.

**hisses in extreme annoyance** I spent my Saturday (until 1 pm) in the office to "better accomodate his schedule" (because that was his major gripe about me for the past week and a half), and instead of being grateful that I was there, he looked at my list of things to do (none of which I've gotten done because of all of the OTHER garbage he's had me do) and had the nerve to ask me, "What have you been doing in the past two months." I felt like shoving him through a wall.

In other news, I'm about ready to lock all of the cats in the basement until Wanderer gets back. (No, I wouldn't really. It's too cold in the basement and I'd be afraid that they'd somehow wreck both computers, the monsters.) Or better yet.... maybe I'll make Velcro harnesses for all of them and just stick the Velcroed kitties high up on the wall at night before I go to bed.....

They knocked over the lamp again last night (luckily, they didn't break the bulb this time), broke a blue glass that was on the counter, ate three of the cookies I forgot to put away) and puked three times and crapped on the rug three times in the library. All in a single night. And now, all they've done all day long is meow and whine and look around for the people that aren't there. Meanwhile, I spent my day off washing clothes, washing a week's worth of dishes, and cleaning up the cats' mess. Yes, indeed, this has been a VERY relaxing day off. (Can ya feel the sarcasm?) And I still need to water the plants because I didn't get a chance yesterday.

The plants will wait a couple more hours. I need to re-do my resume now while I'm still somewhat in the mood to touch the damned thing.

[Ahautenites]

**Ses's eyeballs nearly pop out of her head**

http://www.ci.castlerock.co.us/Town_services/hr/jobs.htm#Communications_Specialist


WANT!!!!! NEEEEEEEEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE???

[Ahautenites]

**enormous yawn** So tired. I went to bed last night at midnight and then proceded to NOT sleep until 6. I wasn't worried about money or work or anything. Just random insomnia. I HATE that. And now I'm exhausted. I'm calling in sick today. I can't deal with that place today. I'm too tired and I'm feeling a bit queasy because of the tiredness.

I have other things that need doing, anyway. I need to go get more dish washer detergent and fabric softener, wash the rest of my clothes, e-mail them about the previously mentioned job, e-mail other people about other jobs, and go to the Post Office to send my Mom her birthday gift.

Gandalf is just not leaving me alone today. It's like he hasn't seen people in a month. Weird cat.

[Ahautenites]

Prince Lotor, Weyoun, Jareth.... all powerful men, all "misunderstood bad guys." And yet, I like them all. What the HECK is wrong with me?

Are there any eligible misunderstood bad guys left in the world?

I mean...whoever Mr. Right For Me is, he needs to be very intelligent, ambitious, a little cold (for weird reasons not even known to me), and misunderstood-evil (again for reasons not even known to me). Must be loyal and compassionate, and have sense of humor, and want children. And evidently, I want someone who wants to rule the world.

Granted, Power calls to Power. And Good and Evil must coexist, and opposites attract, and all that crap, but still.... Am I so insane as to need my complete opposite? Where are all the petty dictators hiding?

**edited because of more pondering**

Or worse.... what if *I'm* the misunderstood evil? Here I thought I was the virtuous unicornly one. What if it's the other way around? (Though, I really don't want to rule the world. I get plenty of that just by ruling my imaginary nation state, Cythera.) Well, then what? Am I supposed to find someone out there who is even more squeaky clean? How boring would *that* be? Might as well go marry a priest (except for the whole Christianity thing and the vow of chastity).

[Ahautenites]

**reads her other post and just laughs** How insane am I? Good grief.

Moving on... I sent my resume out with a nice cover letter to the guy at the place. Want that job. **crosses fingers and looks meaningfully at all of her temple's statues**

[Ahautenites]

"I prayed for twenty years, but received no answer until I prayed with my legs." ~ Frederick Douglass

**Grins** Sounds exactly like what Wanderer said to me last night.

Believe me. I do get the point. That's why I "prayed with my legs" this morning, rather than waiting until tonight, when I will probably be too tired to do anything anyway.

I sooooo do not want to be here today. But I've got this "no makeup, tired as all hell, slow-moving, weak voiced, sick as can be" thing going on, and they think I'm still recovering from being ill. It's all good. :cool:

[Ahautenites]

Yuck. I'm rebelling against going to work. I know I have to, I just really, really, really, really, REALLY don't want to.

I'm bringing Nallia to the airport tonight. Hope her flight goes well and that things go okay for her in NY.

Hope I get a new job soon.

Had my first Kemetic lesson e-mail last night. **small smile** It had some interesting stuff in it.

**crosses fingers, takes breath and wishes really hard that today goes quickly and well**

[Ahautenites]

Thank you for keeping her safe. Now just let her keep her sanity.


"Don’t be afraid to take risks, even if they seem impractical or foolish. Creative solitude is the single most important thing that will help replenish your joy in living. Optimism produces the very success it desires and expects." The three things I took away from the tarot reading I just did. Hopefully, they'll give me the inspiration I was looking for.

[Ahautenites]

Mom never made barbecue chicken that tasted as good as what I made last night. This is a first for me (to prefer the way I make something over her way). Well.... that's not quite true. I do still like my own chicken soup better, too. But that's about it.

Thank you for letting me pick Sedona Sunset over Egyptian Plum. This is a good color for me. I think the purple of the Plum color might have clashed with my coloring. But this color is really nice. It emphasizes the green in my eyes. And the best part is.... it's subtle. It just brings out my hair's red highlights a bit.

Monday as a holiday. I plan on taking off that day. The boss doesn't know it yet, but I am. I'm tired of only having major Christian holidays off. **grins** Pity I can't take off all of the Kemetic holidays. But if I did, I think I'd only work about 10 days a year.

[Ahautenites]

Kris got called up today for duty (he's in the Army Reserves). So, he got married today to his fiancee (whom he proposed to all of two weeks ago). So, when I drove to the Capitol today to deliver the stuff that Tom had forgotten, I got Kris a card and put some gift money in it. That really has to suck. I know it's what he chose and that he was aware of the possibility of being called up, but what crappy timing.

On a more selfish note.... HE got out of working for Tom faster than I did. Granted it took a war to do it, but it's not FAIR!!! ("You're right, it's NOT fair. But that's only half of it." "Half of what?" "Half of twice as much." **continues on for a bit with that scene from Labyrinth before regaining some semblance of sanity**) *I* wanted to leave first. Tom doesn't know what he's going to do now that he has no Aide. And *I* don't know what I'm going to do now that Tom has no Aide, either.

In other news, I'm feeling really restless. (It's the other, not-so-well-defined reason for changing hair color.) All I want to do is hop in a car with my bird and just drive away and go wherever the road takes me. Away from responsibility and bills and horrible jackass bosses and everything.

[Ahautenites]

**Clenches jaw tightly enough to give herself a headache** Now that Kris is gone, I haven't got a shot in hell of getting Monday off. F***, F***,F***!!!!!!!!

This place is killing me.

**pauses to work for a bit.... gets paid.... figures out bills.... goes ballistic in her padded cell, which has a large poster of her boss on the wall and a neverending supply of bean bags, tennis balls, and Nerf bats (so she can be the snot out of the poster)**

I DON"T WANT MY LIFE TO BE LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gods grant that I get myself out of this job REALLY soon before I end up committing myself to a mental institute or go to prison for bludgeoning my real boss for being such a gods-damned TIGHTWAD!

[Ahautenites]

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,422141,00.html?cnn=yes

"In the meantime, it can't hurt to take a look at the HSD/FEMA suggestions (http://www.fema.gov/areyouready/). Psychologists theorize people feel better when they know what to expect. And since that's pretty much out of the question these days, at least we can prepare for the unexpected. "

I'm heartily SICK of seeing this kind of crap online pretending to be news. The world is an unsafe place: GET OVER IT. I don't watch TV, and I still avoid the news, but all I hear and sense around me is a bunch of human cattle milling around in fear, wondering what horror is going to befall them next. It's pretty bad when someone who generally doesn't feel anyone else's emotional spew in life is being driven nuts by it (along with dissatisfaction with her job, true enough).

"Prepare for the unexpected." **rolls eyes in extreme aggravation** Just live your LIFE already. You're going to die at some point and nothing you do will stop that from happening. You don't know when it will happen, but it won't happen a single minute faster than it is supposed to. So while I don't think anyone should throw caution to the wind when faced with a tangible danger, I DO think people should stop worrying about being prepared for these generic, "imminent terrorist attacks." It's stupid. Really, it is. Terrorists want people to live in a state of fear. They're doing a really good job of it because everyone laps up the fear-generating horsecrap that the media spoonfeeds them. Bunch of sheeple.

And I have to admit... deep down, people LIKE being afraid. It's warped and twisted, but that's why people watch scary movies and ride on roller coasters. People love to prepare for the worst. It's the only way they can really feel alive. That whole idea of survival of the fittest and depending on your wits. We live in such a cultured, tame world, that we secretly (and in many cases not so secretly) look forward to challenges that will test our skills at survival. We *want* to live in a Mad Maxx world, where everything goes and nothing goes. We want to be free to live and not suffer so many consequences. We want to be able to raid the grocery store and be the first to get all of the good food and survival stuff before anyone else beats us to it. We want the wildness, the ultimate freedom from conformance to society, the freedom to live and be directly responsible for our own survival rather than slave away at a pointless job to get the money to pay the bills that keep us a slave to our own need for comfort, the excitement, the novelty. And at the same time, the down side of this kind of anarchic, chaotic life scares the hell out of us because we don't want to give up all of the niceties society offers us today. Cave man wants his fire and his freshly hunted and killed dinner, but he wants his television and his Internet, too.

**edited to add a missing preposition**

[Ahautenites]

**laughs at her own signature until she starts crying, the momentary happiness giving way to major unhappiness.... sinks to the ground, hands covering face**

WHY DO I HAVE TO GIVE UP MY WEEKEND?!?!?!!?!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?

I hate that *.*.*more than I could possibly scream in a million lifetimes. I hate him for not paying me enough. I hate him for making me work so much that I only have one full day off a week. I hate him for not giving me health insurance or dental. I hate him for not being NICE. And I hate that JOB, too.

**envisions herself up-turning his desk in her fury**

Was it so WRONG to move here to Colorado to try to be happier than I was in Massachusetts???? Was it so WRONG to want to finally get out of my parents' house and see the frelling world for myself before I die? (or worse... become like my parents.) What the **** do I have to do to get what I want? All I'm asking for is a great job in my field, one that pays well and has good bennies and one where the boss isn't a ****-*******, ******** ******!

But no. There are no jobs like that available right now, so I'm stuck here going to work on a Saturday when I'm EXHAUSTED, all because I need the money to pay my bills. I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and let's not forget that there's a holiday on Monday. So NATURALLY, since it isn't a Christian holiday, I have to work.

[Ahautenites]

He was an hour and 15 minutes late and he let me leave an hour and a half early.

Thank you. **is very, very grateful**

[Ahautenites]

**leans her head against crook of one of the arms extending the wings of a large, colorfully enameled statue of Aset, and mutters dejectedly to Her** What a fun day off this was. I spent most of it cleaning dishes, cat crap, and clothes. And now I have only a few hours left before I have to go back to work for an extra-long day. I'm so bloody sick of this job. I know I asked for any job, and at the time, this one was a Gods' send. But now, it's just a neverending nightmare. I need to get out of here by this time next month because I'm really losing my grip on sanity at this place. Not just jokingly losing it, but really losing it. (You should know.... All of You Netjeru surely heard me this weekend, even if no one else did.) And I'm afraid I'll do damage to myself or someone or something else if I don't get out of there. Heck, I nearly killed my car and some horses the last time I was mad at him. What will I do next time I'm that furious? And who will it hurt? This place is wearing me down emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I need to get out of here. And soon. Really soon. **shakes head** I've been realizing lately that there isn't much I enjoy anymore. I don't spend time with my bird, I don't spend time reading (which I used to live for), I don't write, I don't draw, I don't do anything. It seems like all I am is a slave by day and an inanimate corpse at night. I go to bed exhausted and wake up the same way. I think I swear about having to go to work the moment I turn off my alarm clock. And now I have one day a week to get my errands done because I'm too tired in the evening to do anything. I can't keep doing this. And yet if I don't, he'll look for someone else to do my job, and I'll be out of one.

Please help me out of this mess and into a far better job.

[Ahautenites]

Well, it's a new day. To paraphrase Ernest L. Thayer:

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright.
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light.
And, somewhere men are laughing, and little children shout,

but there is no joy in Castle Rock --
Mighty Jennie has to go to work.


Yeah. I know it doesn't rhyme. Sue me. :p


This, too, shall pass. It's not the end of the world. I won't always work for him. It's *not* "only forever." In fact, its' "not long, at all." It's only another month, tops. I can survive that long if I need to. Not a moment longer, but that long, anyway.

I had a weird dream last night that I was back in Massachusetts trying to get to the bank. But I took the bus and ended up getting the wrong one and being on my way to Saugus (the Square One Mall there, to be precise) instead. And then I had to get off the bus and start walking back toward Lynn because I didn't have any more change to catch another bus. And I couldn't remember the way.

In happier news, I bought two Egyptian books and two CDs (Neverending Story and Labyrinth soundtracks) yesterday from Amazon as part of my parents' Christmas gift to me.

In other news, I'm about ready to kill these cats. I changed their litter completely yesterday and STILL I find poop by the front door (in the library) this morning. **ponders putting them all in Huggies Pull-Ups**

I keep wondering if I'm going to get a nice form letter in the mail saying, "Thank you for submitting your resume for review. We've decided to pick someone who more closely matches our needs. You suck, you loser. Go crawl under a rock and die, or whatever. Just go. Get out of my sight. Sincerely, Ima Hardass, Hiring Manager."

[Ahautenites]

I'm absolutely doomed. He wants me to be here three days a week to get stuff done for him. I can't work like this!!!!! He expects me to be able to carry on work here the same way I could at the office. I can't DO THIS here! The guy's a complete moron. A jack-and-apes! I have no idea how I'm going to get through today. I'm supposed to be a receptionist, IT person, caddy, data entry person, PR person and political aide. I don't get paid enough money for this kind of B.S. Even when I'm working at my best (which I'm not now, because I'm too exhausted and disspirited), I can't do all the things he wants me to do. On the weekend, he said to me that he was hoping to get out 50 letters today. Individual letters, not mass mailing. He's dreaming. There's no way in HELL I can do that. I need out of this place, I need out of this place, I need out of this place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ahautenites]

For the record, I never wished him to be ill. That being said, THANK YOU. :D

I found it slightly amusing to watch him up and leave the office with no explanation whatsoever and then come back to tell me he thought he was going to be sick (but evidently the feeling passed because he came back without puking). He even went to the legislative doctor on call this afternoon. The doctor gave him antibiotics, which he claimed made him feel better about 5 minutes after he came back from seeing said doctor.

He let me leave at 7, as promised. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. Then I oopsed by missing my exit onto Santa Fe. Fortunately, it was a happy accident. I got home 20 minutes sooner because of it.

Walked through the front door very cautiously tonight. Good thing, too. The moment I opened it, all I smelled was cat poop. **sighs** They went on the floor five more times today. I still haven't cleaned it. I changed the litter completely YESTERDAY to help avoid this. What is *wrong* with them??

**yawns** Somehow, I made it through today. I don't know how, but I'm glad I did. Tomorrow will be a shorter day because I have a Buffy episode to get home and watch as well as an online class to attend. And Wednesday, I'm taking off completely. I'm exhausted. Need to recuperate.

[Ahautenites]

Thank you for a reasonably good day at work.... though I still could have done without Tom acting like an idiot this afternoon. Par for the course, I suppose.

Thank you for an easy commute both ways.

Thank you for a delicious Japanese lunch.

Thank you for delicious spaghetti for dinner.

Thank you for an AWESOME Buffy episode.

Thank you for a fascinating Kemetic chat tonight.

And thank you for letting me go home from work tomorrow at noon.

**looks over at Gandalf trying to mate with Fia and does a double-take**

Uh-oh.

[Ahautenites]

Thank you for a beautiful sunny day. It's been cloudy so often lately. I think I must have a seasonal affective disorder (in addition to all of my other troubles), just because life never seems so bad when it's sunny out. But once the sun goes down or when clouds take over the sky, my mood plummets.

Thank you for letting me get my butt out of here at noon today.

Thank you for giving me the courage to move here. Financially it's been kind of crappy so far, but I'm sure things will get better. And no matter what, it's still better than Massachusetts.

Thank you for my sense of humor.... even if at times it's morbid gallows humor.

[Ahautenites]

**yawns** I can't remember the last time I was so tired. I mean, I've been tired nearly every day since I had this job, but now I'm Reeeeeaaaalllllllllllly tired. Need to sleep. I may go to bed around 8 tonight. This is so ridiculous.

I think I'm just going to e-mail the boss on Friday at the end of the day to tell him that I won't be in on Saturday. I hate this working-on-the-weekend thing.

**lights a pale yellow candle on her altar** Give healing to all those who need it.

Going home for lunch today. In 40 minutes.

Know what would be nice? Having the three of us find great jobs, all in Castle Rock. And what would be nicer is if we could sometimes (once a month, once a week, whatever) get together at a local café or restaurant for lunch, or to meet each other there at a favorite hangout once in awhile after work. There are so many cute little shops and bars and places that I'd like to explore. I see them whenever I drive by. But I never have any reason to go into them. (Or any hard cash on hand, for that matter.) So, yes, this would be me wishing for good things.

[Ahautenites]

Back to being P.O.'d. **scowls** The phone call I just had from my boss a couple minutes ago:

"We've got to find a way to get me back on schedule. You need to take ownership of getting everything on my iPAQ and these two laptops here at the Capitol and your computer back at the ranch synched."

I explained to him that I can only be responsible for the computers I get to be in contact with.

"You need to take ownership of it all. Imagine you're the President. You can't just say, 'I'm only going to take ownership and be in charge of the Navy.' You can't win a war that way. We were getting things together when Kris was here and you two were working together and were putting systems in place. But now with Kris gone, half the team's missing. You've got to get me back on track because I'm falling behind. I have faith in you. I have confidence in you. Make this happen."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

Gave him a giganic one-fingered wave while I was talking to him on the phone.

[Ahautenites]

So help me, I'm going to HURT someone if I don't get out of this place soon. **fantasizes about punching Tom's face in**


Great Ones, I apologize for putting so much negativity into one single thread. There are many things I should be grateful for, but lately the sheer MISERY of working for this man is overshadowing everything I think and feel and do.

[Ahautenites]

**sighs and sinks into a warm, soothing bubble bath with the sun shining down on her through the skylights**

So many worries, all dancing merrily in my head. Most of them I can't do anything about.

Actually, the personal worries are all pushed aside easily enough, except for the worry about finding a new job while somehow managing to keep this job while I job hunt. That's occupying the vast majority of the personal worry space in my head.

But then, on the occasions when I'm not lying in bed, sleeping like the dead, or awake obsessing about finding a job, I worry about what's worrying the rest of the nation.

Yeah, I joke about it, because what else can I really do? But still, it bothers me. Not sure which bothers me more: the decisions the executive branch is making, the people the US Gov't is gearing up to attack, or the undercurrent of fear that all of this is producing. If I get the opportunity to come back again to this world, I want to come back as a paramecium. Much simpler life.

[Ahautenites]

Thank You for my sisters / roommates and for the time I got to spend with them this weekend. Thank You for letting me have two whole days of R&R. It was much-needed and MUCH-appreciated.

As much as I despise my job, thank You for at least helping me to get this job so that I have money coming in to pay my bills while I try to find a better job.

Thank You for good sisterly advice.

Thank You for Tris and tika. I love them both so much. Such special boys in their own way. I miss tika very much, but I'm glad that Tris is here for me to get to know. Today's biting aside, he's turning into a very sweet, bright bird. I'm grateful.

Thank You for Wanderer's recipe for truly delicious soup.....stew. Soup? Stew...? **shrugs** Can't make up my mind which to call it. It acted like both. But whatever it was, it was really tasty stuff.

Thank You for always being here for me, for always listening to me, and for always trying to help me out. I really do appreciate all that You've done to help me get through the last few weeks. Especially for this weekend.

Thank You for good movies and good friends to watch them with.

Thank You for lots of other stuff, too. It's just that it's 1:27 a.m. and my brain's a bit too tired to think of anything else.

**leaves fresh-baked brownies and chocolate chip cookies and a large glass of very cold milk on the altar**

Sweets for the sweet.

[Ahautenites]

I saw a job listing for a Production Artist at DenverHealth.org, so I applied online. $14.83 to $19.28 an hour is the range. It's full-time and it comes with better money and bennies than my current job. I'm sure I could get in on the high end of the scale, even if I don't know Freehand. I know the other programs, and I pick up graphic design programs like that **snaps fingers**.

I saw an ad for Purple Creative, too. I was overqualified for that particular job, but I shot the guy who wrote it an email because the listing he wrote was sheer genius. It was the most novel job listing I've ever read. And perhaps he'll think kindly of me if ever I apply for a position there where I'm not grossly overqualified.

[Ahautenites]

Thank You for letting me have a good day at work yesterday. Here's hoping today goes just as well, if not better.

Thank You for letting me find something that I really find enjoyable. Fun things are so hard for me to come by lately. I guess it's also a way to "embrace my dark side," the way my tarot cards keep suggesting. (I keep getting the Devil card. Very strange.)

Thank You for the lives of ancient Kemetic people and the number of books that have been written about them. These books I bought at Amazon will be very enlightening, I'm sure.

Thank You for the new Buffy episode tonight, and for good friends to watch it with.

Thank You for my class tonight.

Thank You for things to look forward to, like an eventual new job, getting the tattoo I promised tika, going to my brother's graduation, and getting a new car some day.

[Ahautenites]

Hoo-hoo-hoo! **is extremely amused**

I'm not the only one the boss is mistreating. He has alienated the temporary political aide that was assigned to him and she's having several other Reps. give him a talking to. Go, Amanda! :thumbsup: Her boyfriend was there the other day waiting for her, and the boss said to him, "Here. Make yourself useful. Go get me some coffee." **whistles** Oh. My. Good. Ness. The guy's audacity knows no bounds.

**shakes head** Maybe the talking-to he gets will be his wakeup call.

Just sharing the gossip. Misery does love company, after all. **shrugs** 'Tis only a temporary thing, this job. Soon, I will find a new place to be. Thank goodness for that. That's one thing I learned from five months of unemployment back in Massachusetts: It might take 23 interviews (or more), but eventually I'm going to find something really good. I just need to keep on keepin' on.

[Ahautenites]

Great Ones ~

I'm dying to be clued-in here. This guy was elected to serve Colorado, and so far he's having the worst luck in the world. I mean, he's had a bunch of trouble with secretaries. Then he ended up with me, and I'm, like, his antithesis, only he doesn't know it, as well as the fact that I've been pretty much ineffectual at this job because I can't stand him or it (thus making him even more inefficient than he was before). **shakes head** He makes mountains out of mole hills and asks far more of technology than technology can even provide on a shoestring budget. And to top it all off, he's so stressed that he he's making himself sick as a dog. So what's the deal? What are all of these factors preventing him from doing in the grand scheme of things? I feel almost sorry for him that he's gotten himself into this predicament. **shrugs with a fatalistic sigh** You get back what you throw out there, I guess.

I'm glad that for all of my griping and complaining and whining, I still have a better life than he does. It's not monetarily rich (and that's making things harder than I'd like), but I'm infinitely grateful to realize that my life is far richer than his in every other way.

Thank You for that.

And in the spirit of compassion (someone tattoo the word "Sap" on my forehead), I hope You'll let him de-stress before all of these responsibilities he's juggling crush him utterly.

[Ahautenites]

**Ses relaxes on a pile of cushions and chenille throws and listens to the waterfall and the sounds of the birds breakfasting on the seed she'd put out for them**

I can't believe it's Wednesday already. This has been a better week than the last two. I had a nice, normal two-day weekend, and the past couple days at work have been bearable. I even got to do some things I enjoy. I watched movies, worked on my story game, watched Buffy, and took part in the Kemetic chat (even if I didn't say anything). It's been nice. And I've been listening to my new CDs, too. Can't wait to start reading the books. (I'm reading four books already, so those ones will have to wait for a bit.)

I'm actually feeling very tired right now. No wonder seeing as I've stayed up late several nights in a row to write and then gotten up early to be at work fashionably late.

I hope I'll hear something about a job interview soon.

[Ahautenites]

Great Ones ~

Please help make today a good one.

Also, thank You for letting me finally work through Chapter 1 and get on with Chapter 2 in my hieroglyphics book. I hope to be able to continue reading through it tonight.

Thank You for this story I'm writing. I'm having a lot of fun with it. Is this what You meant by exploring my dark side....? I'm not sure which direction I'm going to go, though: good but with a tortured soul, good but with a bad influence and a guilty conscience.... We shall see, I guess. I have no idea where most of last night's writing came from. During the day, I'd planned on something more comical, and I also hadn't planned on meeting my sire quite so soon. (Rather, I thought I was just going to have him lurk and spy on her for awhile.) Somehow, something different suggested itself while I was writing. And I went with it. No clue where to go from here, but I'm sure something will come to me.

Thank You for the relative lack of Wizard of Oz in my life, too. I'm still not exactly sure what Your point was about that, but after Wanderer explained something to me about what it could mean, I only got an Oz reminder once more, about a week later.

[Ahautenites]

**lights a candle on her altar**

Mr. Rogers ~

Thank you for being there while I grew up. I'll always remember you. The way you sang, your calming influence, your quiet voice, your innocence. I still know the words your "Good Feelin'" song and your "Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood" song. I remember Picture-Picture, especially the one about the orange crayons. It was my favorite. And I remember wanting a Trolley in my house, and I remember you feeding the fish. I rmember going to the bakery with you and learning to tie my shoes from you. I never did learn how to hang up my clothes or change into play shoes, though, no matter how many times I watched you do it. **tearful smile** I remember wanting the model trees and houses and castles and stuff that you used to have. But somehow, imagining by myself with my toys was never as much fun as watching you imagine with yours. I will miss you. And I'm sorry that so many children will never know how wonderful you were. I hope, if I ever have children, that Amazon will stock DVDs of your show so that I can show them to my children. The world is an emptier place without you in it. Thank you and may you go to your reward. You were truly a great man. You will be missed.

**leans a large wreath of brightly colored flowers against her altar**

[Ahautenites]

I'm restless today. I wrote a little bit more on my little story, but not enough to post. Last night's entry was mostly filler material, just to say that I'd written something. The main point of that night is in the next scene. I just need to write the silly thing. And it's important to get it right since it's what the rest of the story will be revolving around. I was too tired last night to write much. But this morning, just as I was waking up, Gabriel was rattling off all of the Rules in my head.

I'm hungry, too. I'm debating on whether I should wait until 1:30 or go to lunch now (and to heck with my boss and his no-lunchtime-at-lunchtime rule).

I'm leaving a few minutes early tonight. Every time I stay until I'm supposed to, I end up having to stay until 6 or 6:30.

[Ahautenites]

**sets a light pink candle carved with the name "Hollie" into a Tweety Bird candle holder on the altar.... then she lights it**

Great Ones, help my cousin Hollie. She has a painful recurring cyst on her ovary and now she is only defecating once every couple weeks. Let the doctors find what is causing the problem, and let it be able to be treated. Release her from the pain she's suffering, please.

[Ahautenites]

**lies down in the bright sunlight streaming through the clerestory windows and the skylights, trying to get warm (I've been cold all morning), and listens to her Neverending Story CD**

I actually slept for 12 hours for each of the past three nights. And yet I'm still so tired.

I need to do some major job hunting when I get home tonight. And then I can watch a movie or two and work on my story. I don't want to stay late tonight and I don't want to be "ready to drive to the Capitol at a moment's notice." I want him to stay there, and me to stay here. And I want to go home ON TIME. Tomorrow night, I've got class. (Wish it were a Buffy night, too. **sighs wistfully**) I've gotten halfway through Chapter 2 of my hieroglyphics book, too. It's only taken me more than a year to do that. **shakes head** I plan on sticking with it now, because otherwise I'll forget everything all over again.

I'm hungry, too. But I can't go to lunch for another couple hours. **sighs crossly** When I first got here, they said just take my lunch whenever. And now I can only take it when they say it's okay to take it. Very annoying.

I had strange dreams last night (not helped by the dizziness, either, I'm sure). I dreamt that I was taking part in a game where I had to stare at a painted wall that looks like a certain area where I'd like to go, and when I found where I wanted to move myself, I pointed at it, an it would glow for a second. Then it would become real and I could walk through to where I wanted to be. I remember picking one place, walking down the flagstone path and playing with some kittens. Then the dream changed, and all of my relatives (even the deceased ones) were going back to Grannie and Grampie's house for a family reunion. And we were all riding mopeds to get there in the dark. It was like a race to see who would get there first. Very weird.

[Ahautenites]

Great Ones ~

**closes her eyes and takes a deep breath to help her center herself**

Please, help me find patience and inner peace. Help me not to want to scratch out the eyes of the man who keeps blaming for everything that goes wrong at work. Help me find the state of mind that will let all of his insults and unrealistic expectations just roll off my back.

I've updated my resume on Monster.com and I've uploaded my resume to the Rocky Mountain News / Denver Post job website. Please, with my searching and various employers searching, let me land a great job in the next few weeks. I'm not sure how much more of this place I can take.

[Ahautenites]

**Ses decides that it's time to add a new part to her temple complex: a Ventilation Chamber.....With a wave of her wand, Ses creates a room that has an archery section, several punching bags of various sizes, a dart board, and several plaster and papier mache sculptures of her boss.... nearby is a rack full of baseball bats, some wood, some aluminum**

Much better.

**Chooses a partiularly nice aluminum bat and proceeds to whack the CRAP out of all of the sculptures until they are nothing but rubble on the floor (they'll reassemble themselves in a few minutes)**

[Ahautenites]

**A much calmer Sesemet visits the altar and lights a blue candle with gold dust glittering in it. Then she encircles the candle with small, polished blue stones (lapis, azurite, sapphire, topaz... etc.) and at the four cardinal points, there is a blue topaz (good for travel**

Keep Azure safe on her trip.

[Ahautenites]

**Gives Wanderer a knowing look (remember what I said this morning about practicing my HMTL skills?), then runs to the Ventilation Chamber**

BANG!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

**destroys the room completely in her rage**

[Ahautenites]

**shakily, Ses walks through the halls to get to her altar..... Once she's there, she sits on a cushion, lights a candle, and some rain incense, closes her eyes and meditates as best she can to [i]try[//i] to make her blood stop boiling**


Breathing in..............................................breathing out............................ breathing in............................................. breathing out............................................. breathing in..............................................breathing out............................ breathing in............................................. breathing out.............................................



Great Ones ~ Keep me out of trouble. Much as I hate him, he's not worth anything other than self-indulgent vengeance in an online fictional (read: totally harmless in real life) vampire story. Grant me the inordinate amount of patience I need to get through the time I have remaining at this job. Help me find a terrific job somewhere else in the next three weeks (if at all possible). And keep me from crying in frustration and misery over this place. He's not worth it.

[Ahautenites]

I don't think I have to work tomorrow because he has a cutting competition to host. For that, I thank You.

However.... he's come home early today. Help? **is filled with dread**

[Ahautenites]

Thank You. :) And I had a great weekend, too. I feel very refreshed mentally (even if I did just yawn physically).

I really hope I hear from someone this week about setting up an interview. Can't wait to get out of this place and back into a nice job.

Now I'm sitting here, wondering what to say. A dozen thoughts have already rushed into and out of my head, but my fingers never moved to type them. So much I could say, about so many things. And yet, for the feeling that is inside right now, I don't even have proper words. I'm not exactly sure *what* I'm feeling. Kind of strange to not know whether I'm happy or sad or hurt or just fine.

And now I'm looking at the calendar (because I'm entering stuff into the boss's schedule), and I'm looking at the month of June. I'm supposed to be going back to Massachusetts then. I don't want to go.... I really can't afford to go. But yet, I have to go. It's my brother's graduation, and it's likely the last time I'll see him before he goes to Basic Training and then off to Germany (and then off to somewhere in the Middle East). It bothers me immensely to see him go. It's been what he's lived his whole life preparing for, and yet, something inside me just keeps chanting insistently that he's not going to be coming back. **shrugs** Not much to be done but love him and respect his choice.

**sighs** To get back to June-ness..... My 26th birthday is in June. Aside from meeting my soul family and moving to Colorado (and actually surviving), I can't say that I've done a whole lot this year. I had set goals for myself, and I haven't achieved any of them. I've been too caught up in the struggle of making a living to do anything that I really wanted to do.

**ponders** I dunno. Maybe that isn't quite true. I've written stuff (what's written in P&L right now is the most I've ever written on anything creative.... usually I just get bored with projects). I finished that history book I started reading just after my last birthday. I have knitted 2.5 scarves and will be starting on my first blanket soon. I'm still making progress with reading through all of the books I own. I'm taking a Kemetic class (even if I won't be going any further in that particular direction after the class ends.... you never know unless you try, and at least I can say that I did that and didn't care so much for it. Now I can go in a direction that is more to my liking). I'm making progress with Tris (just wish I could spend more time with him and still have a 40-hr/wk job). I'm still actively seeking happiness.

But other than that, I haven't done very much at all.

Guess I should reevaluate my current goals and make some new ones.

[Ahautenites]

Incredibly pensive I am today.

**shakes head with a soft sigh (I do a lot of sighing, don't I?)**

I just read this: http://www.witchvox.com/wrenwww/tinz.html

I used to read the Wren's Nest articles all the time while I was still considering myself a practicing Wiccan. Her words were like gospel to me. I still respect her, but I haven't been to that site in a couple years. Not sure what exactly made me go back today. Boredom, maybe. Still looking for some form of guidance, perhaps.

I didn't realize (because I deliberately ignore the news) that we were slated to start this war on the 17th. I'm at the point now where my sentiment is the same as Mercutio's: "A plague on both your houses." Montague and Capulet..... I hate you both, because I and millions like me are the potential "innocents" who will suffer.

I hate being caught in the middle of someone else's argument.

**shakes head** The pessimistic part of me wonders if there's even any point to making other goals. **shrugs** Is "picking up the pieces" a valid goal? I did say (several times before) that if I were given a choice between heaven and hell-on-earth, I'd stay to clean up the mess. **nods with determination** Daiw. I'll go where I'm Sent.

But somehow, I just didn't expect to really have to really worry about having made that decision..... The fact that it's even a remote blip on the possibility radar screen annoys me even more than my boss annoys me. (And that's saying something.)

Gods.... "that other online place" had so many board wars that I'm feeling a similar sense of here-we-go-again, only on a grander scale. It's like all of those little itty bitty board wars were a simple sample question on a huge War SAT. Heh. To think.... I gave up on the sample question. (That's why I'm here at MW now.) Should be a reaaaaaallly fun exam. But I wonder: if I got fed up with the test, would there be anywhere left to run to for escape?

I could always look at it from a different angle... The Cosmic Game. I never unpacked it from when I folded it up and moved it out of the C&T. **takes it out of her back pocket, and sets it on the floor..... watches it unfold and recreate its various levels and pawns** Wonder what the game plan is for the various sides....? This is going to be an important power play for Everyone's teams. Nothing is ever the same, it's true.... but it may take quite awhile before anything becomes routine again. **tsks** Worst part is, there's more going on than any of the pawns realize. Unlikely hands are washing certain other unlikely hands. And that's only what is to be seen on this side of the board. the other sides (all five of them) surely show similar things. **is too lazy to move to the other sides of the board** May you live in interesting times..... I've always hated that Chinese curse.


As long as the End of the World only happens AFTER the Buffy series finale. **sardonic smile** Hey... as long as my priorities are in order, right?

[Ahautenites]

Choice, Transcendence, Partnership, Success, Love, Valor, and Victory

Times are hard. Now is the time to release patterns and beliefs that no longer serve you. Have trust in the future, bid farewell to the past, and allow yourself to be reborn.

You’ve got your eye on something. Your mind is racing, coming up with all sorts of cunning plans to get what you want into your hands. Remember: do not only ponder your dreams; pursue them as well.

These ideas can create chaos, conflict, and confusion in your life. At the same time, they can widen your perspective and stimulate necessary changes. Nurture your own adventurous spirit.

Some element of your life is on hold. You may feel vulnerable and be questioning things you’ve always taken for granted. Your world may even feel like it’s been turned upside down. But have faith. Allow yourself to be in suspense for a while; let go of having every answer. It may not make any sense to you right now, but a reversal of ideas could be exactly what’s needed.

Feelings of being stuck or trapped persist only as long as you cling to your usual perspective. If you are willing to give up some belief or attitude that no longer serves you, your reward will be well worth it. You will gain a deeper understanding of your life and, with this new perspective, old dilemmas and chronic problems can be resolved.

Events and relationships will come full circle, and lingering issues will be resolved.

Know yourself and your place in the world. Keep in mind, however, that the end of every cycle holds the seeds of a new beginning.

Enter into your own landscape and embrace the deep and paradoxical realm of feeling. With love, we can create a sacred space where trust grows, honesty flourishes, and true healing can begin. Now is a good time to enjoy the company of a few dear friends, to have a feast, and to otherwise indulge yourself. Connecting with feminine qualities is especially important for both men and women at this time. You must be ready to act from the heart to build lasting relationships. Seek out others who can reciprocate the honor and affection you are ready to share.

[Ahautenites]

**A very tired Ses seats herself before her altar**

Great Ones ~

Give me the energy to get through this day.
Give me the serenity I need to face this day's trials.
Give me the patience to deal with my boss.
Give me the alacrity and conviction to stand up for myself tactfully when necessary.
Give me a day that goes far better than I'm dreading.
Give me productivity that makes the day go by swiftly.
Give me Your companionship when I feel distraught or frustrated or angry beyond words, as well as when I'm in a good place mentally.
Or... barring all of this, give me a traffic jam (caused by someone or something else) that keeps me stuck in traffic until the end of the day. (I'm not quite sure I was joking there....)

Senebty

[Ahautenites]

For some reason, You insist on making me live through the night to get up and do this all over again. And I don't know why. What's even the point? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad You're here to talk to and get strength and comfort from, but still..... what the hell am I supposed to be learning from this experience? Is there even a lesson? Is it just supposed to show me that I can endure this longer than I thought possible? Is it supposed to be a way of measuring how far I can be pushed before I finally do snap? To what avail?

I will endure until I can escape. He may have his little M-Div. and his money and his political power, but I am stronger than he is. He will either fire me or I will find a new job. And we will both be miserable until that happens.

And I will face life in all of its agonizing glory from now on. Last night was stupid.

[Ahautenites]

Walk with my brother Jason and with my friend Greg and with my friend Kris and with so many other men and women I've met that I don't even know about who are now going (or are about to go) overseas.

**walks through the tranquil nighttime gardens in her temple sanctuary, breathing in the scents of magnolias, waterlilies, and night-blooming jasmine**

Was just talking with the Twin for a bit. He's as good a way as any to drown out this mournful song. Such a heartsick tune. And so constant. I'm finding it very wearing.....

Told him I was contemplating. And so I am. I'm saddened and disappointed. I dread the future. Or at least, my reaction to it. It's hard to hear this perpetual din of fear and not be adversely affected by it in some way.

I found myself wishing, for the first time ever, that I knew what the future would be. A foolish wish to make. It had Phoenix ducking for cover so that the Wish Granted Thunderbolt wouldn't strike him by accident.

Wednesday at 6 pm, Colorado-time. That's Montague's deadline. Wonder what Capulet will do....?

[Ahautenites]

**relaxes in a comfortable, shady garden glade near the pond, tossing bread crumbs onto the peaceful water for the ducks to eat**

My body doesn't hurt, but some part of my soul aches. I feel like I'm trying to ignore spiritual backpain. I'm not sure if it's my own feeling or just an echo of what other people are feeling. It makes it hard for me to concentrate. It makes me sad and angry and irritable and restless.

[Ahautenites]

I will not help. I will not wish. I will not interfere. They got themselves into this mess. They will get themselves out, if it is right that they should do so. If there are pieces to pick up, I will help then, if need be. It's what I do best. Until then, no wishing for peace. No wishing for anything. Just waiting. And watching. And shaking my head in sorrow and disappointment.

My beloved Great Ones, if it were Your turn in the Game, I'd wish. But for now, we All must wait while the calculations are made by the Other Teams, as They weigh the consequences of Their actions and/or inactions, and then move Their pieces into position to see who will win, if anyone.

The Capulets and Montagues claim not to want this, but in their heart, they do. It would be the ultimate validation of their faith in their Pawn Movers. And we'll be the Apes who guard the Balance. Wisely watching, observing, not taking part, and acting only when it is our turn.

Some days, I really hate this Game.

[Ahautenites]

I'm back again. I'm not really sure why. In need of solace, I guess.

**lights a candle for Nallia, and another for Wanderer**

**Opens mouth to speak, but finds she doesn't have the words, so closes mouth again, and closes eyes briefly, then leaves the thread** You know what's on my mind, anyway.

Senebty

[Ahautenites]

**lights a candle on the altar** Grant Wanderer safety on her trip to New Mexico.

**lights a second candle on the altar** You know what this one's for.

**sits back and contemplates that second candle for a long moment before leaving the temple again**

[Ahautenites]

Glad to be able to work from home today, even if it wasn't what I originally planned.

I feel so restless. And yet so tired. Very strange.

I even skimmed through Revelations last night. I still hold the same opinion of it that I always held. Don't know why I thought anything would be different in this particular skim-through of it.

In the absence of water, people in the desert will drink the sand. That's the one thing I do envy about Muslims and Christians. They both have Divine books for their followers to read and take comfort from. **coughs from drinking some sand**

I know there are papyri that I could read, but they don't tell me what I'm looking for. (At least, they don't tell me in English.) I'm not even sure I know what I'm looking for or where to look to find it or if it's even there to find. Or even, if I'd know I'd found it if I did find it.

**shrugs** As to textual comfort, I suppose I really don't need it. It's all in here, anyway. **taps her breastbone** Just a vague longing, I guess.

[Ahautenites]

To take only the most pertinent bits from a popular song:

This is how you remind of what I really am....
These five words in my head:
Scream, "Are we havin' fun yet?!?!"

***

**Ses, left hand bound with a white rag to cover the cut she made in her palm, goes to her altar and sets a never-wilting wreath there beside the one for Mister Rogers**

For those who have died so far, the defenders and the innocents. **sings for them all (prettier words than those she paraphrased above)**

**Ses walks over to a wooden statue of herself. It already has several bits and pieces missing. Using her knife, she carves off a long shaving from the statue, revealing part of an oval heart made of amethyst and citrine, and adds the shaving to the fire burning on the altar.**

[Ahautenites]

I had a dream last night, but I don't remember what is was about. All I recall is that there was an explosion in it. I'm not sure if I was just remembering the CNN war pictures I saw last night at The Pub or if I was just recalling the Rocky Mountain News article about last night's gas line explosion near Greeley. **shakes head** I'm groggy this morning. Slept quite soundly (other than the dream), but this morning, I just didn't want to get out of be. It was just cool enough in the house to send me in to near-hibernation.

I still don't know if I can get to the ranch today. And they're not going to know, either, because they're clueless. I'll have to drive there. And besides, I need to get my check today. I have bills that need to be paid, and I can't pay them until I have that check that I was supposed to get on the 17th. **growls** I'd have had it that very day except that she didn't print it out before I had to go back to the Capitol all day and then we had a snow week.

I imagine he'll want me to go to the Capitol today, if possible. Well, they're going to have to give me some petty cash of some kind, because I don't have enough funds free for parking.

I need to finish that editing test tonight, and then I want to go back to writing some stuff on that story.

[Ahautenites]

**Sits on the temple's east steps soaking up the early morning sunlight.**

Funny how there's so much I want to say, but that I can't find the words to express myself. So many wants, needs, and desires floating around inside my head. So much inner turmoil over a bunch of things, great and small. Just.... everything is affecting my head at the moment. Worries about work, worries about finding new work, worries about my weight, and worries about war. Hell, every one of my worries begins with a W. Chuck all the W's and I'll be golden again.

Even hearing people's voices and seeing them all around is getting to me. I want silence. I want no people in my line of vision. No sounds of their presence. No knowing there there by their own emotions and thoughts and life energies. Just silence. But yet, I don't really want the extermination of everyone on the planet, either. (And I really don't want to be comatose, paralyzed, blind, deaf, or mute, either.) I just want space and peace and quiet.

And I want to be able to go to CNN and see the usual B.S.: People killing their spouses and people getting awards and people going to jail for embezzlement. Just ordinary crap. Not this Other ordinary crap (war).

I want to wake up early on a day that promises to be sunny and in the 80s, and I want to stand at the water's edge fishing for sunfish and bass, just for the heck of it. The way I used to when I was little.

I want to go rollerskating (skating, not blading) like I used to when I was little. And I want to sleep under the stars (because I've never done that).

I want barbecues because I miss them. I want grilled chicken and barbecued steak tips. I want homemade potato salad, brownies and marshmallows to toast on the grill. I want to pick sun-kissed boysenberries off the bush to snack on while walking through the backyard. I want to go swimming in a nice, pale blue in-ground pool.

I want simple, unadulterated happiness. Something I haven't had on a regular basis since before my grandparents died.

[Ahautenites]

**lights a green candle on the altar**

Thank You for all You have done for me. I hope You are always here for me in the future, within and without, in this life and beyond, by whatever name I choose to call You at the time.

Please, please send a great new job my way.....? This job is killing me. Slowly. Painfully.

[Ahautenites]

The fox that is sometimes in my dreams appeared again last night.


I was dreaming that I was going back to Massachusetts on a $20 train ride from Castle Rock to Lynn. I remember thinking how cool it was to get such a cheap, fast ride there. But when I got there, I was in my old neighborhood, the one from my childhood, not the one from my adolescence and adult years. I was just walking around the neighborhood as aimlessly as I ever do when I have dreams of that time and place, and there was a lot of fighting going on, right there. Granted, crime has always been high in that neighborhood, but this was ridiculous. And as I was walking down one of the bigger hills (on Adams St.) I sat down to rest in an open, abandoned van. While I was there, a red fox trotted down the street and I put out my hands to pat it, the way I have in previous dreams (though I usually give it food in my dreams), and after it sniffed me for a second, it bit me. I remember seeing that it had twice as many teeth as it should have, too. I didn't bleed, but I remember complaining loudly that I was going to need a tetanus shot. I looked down at my hands and on the skin over the fleshy area of the back of my hands on my thumbs, close to the wrist on both hands. I have no idea how it bit me like that on both hands, but it did, and it looked like someone had take a bunch of metal combs and dug them into my skin far enough to make a lot of little puncture wounds.

**edited to add a part I just remembered** After I got over the fact that I'd been bitten, I got back out of the van and started walking along Prince St (a tiny street that connects Adams to Jefferson, which is the street I used to live on), and then as I got to Jefferson St., I looked across the street and saw this brickfaced, with patina-green trim, Catholic church sitting right there. I remember being startled to see it, and then laughing to myself because I'd never noticed that it was there. (In reality, it's actually located in downtown Lynn, on the Commons.)

And then I woke up.

I have absolutely no clue what any of that dream means.

[Ahautenites]

I'm still a virgin, so I'm not pregnant. So where the hell is my period? Three days left until the end of the month, and I still haven't gotten the stupid thing. It was on-time last month. Middle of the month, I had it. But not this month, because my body is STUPID. Sure, make Jenn's hormones go insane enough to have her wanting to kill herself every other minute, and make her face look like she got spattered by hydrochloric acid (oh, and let's not forget the beaut' of a waterhead that has given me a bruised, swollen lip), but not a sign of my period anywhere. You watch, it'll be the same as it was two Februarys (Februaries?) ago when I skipped a period for a month and then had my period nearly every day for a whole month. THAT was fun. Not.

P.S. For anyone who is thinking of PMing me: I just felt like venting, and since everyone is home right now and sleeping, I can't shriek my anger and annoyance at the top of my lungs the way I want to. PMing me with hugs or sympathy is not a particularly good idea at the moment, as I'm likely to rip your head off rather than hug you back. You've been warned.

[Ahautenites]

**places a pale blue and silver spiral candle on the altar, and then places a larger, deeper sapphire and silver spiral candle besides it and lights both...... sets a small, plush, soft gray toy bunny with a velvety nose beside the smaller one and a small scroll tied up with yellow roses (for friendship) in front of the larger one**

May father and son both be well. **sends well wishes and healing thoughts their way**

**sets two more candles on the altar, one a spiraled taper of emerald green and sapphire blue, the other in sapphire blue and true sea-green and lights them both**

Through thick and thin, you're all here for me. I'm still not quite sure why. This pit of misery I've been wallowing in is my own doing. It's up to me to get myself out. Somehow, some way. I'm sorry for all of the heartache and headaches I cause you.

I love you both more than I can say.

It's not that I'm never happy. There are moments when I know that I'm happy. I just sense some kind of disconnection from that happiness, and it leaves me discontent. There are days when I am fairly even-keeled, only to crash into despair the moment the sun goes down or stops shining through my window. I don't know why. I was fine most of Thursday. I'm not quite sure what happened between Thursday afternoon and Thursday evening, but my mood changed somehow, for no real reason.

I know life can be enjoyable. I just don't always enjoy the things that most people find enjoyable. For all that I can be loud, sociable and boistrous some days, I'm still very much a recluse at heart.

It's not horrible for you to want me to be happy, or to want to try to cheer me up, but when I'm depressed, I want nothing to do with anyone, not even loved ones. That's when I need time alone. Sometimes, I cry and then I sleep. Other times, I just sleep. I don't know if it's a chemical imbalance, just my natural worries asserting themselves, a combination of those two, or something else all together. But it's not always intentional. Sometimes I brood. (Good grief, can I ever brood. Angel ain't got nuthin' on me in that department.) But sometimes, I don't know where it comes from. It's just there, immediate and all-consuming.

I do know the things I'm happy for. For all that I've been self-absorbed in my own worries, I always remember my sisters and brother and all of the rest of my friends in my prayers. I pray every night and sometimes at odd moments during the day, but these most intimate prayers never ever see this thread, and they usually are on behalf of all of you guys or else thanks for your being in my life or thanks for the things that have gone right for that particular day.

I don't know what I'll ever do without you. You're the reason I'm here. You're the reason that, for all that I'm miserable and depressed, I still LIKE living here. You're all I've got here in this state.

[Ahautenites]

**sets a large piece of baklava on a plate and then pours a libation of fresh, cold water**


I'm tired today. I got enough sleep, I think, but I'm still sleepy. Part of me really just wants to be lying outside on the grass (if there were some grass there, rather than just snow) and soaking up the sun.

I narrowly escaped having to go to the Capitol today. I'm glad I don't have to go there today. I need to get paid first before I can afford to pay for parking.

I wish I'd get my period already. Every now and then, I get a pain like some tissue inside is tearing, and sometimes I get cramps, but so far, no menstruation. Virgin mother of the AntiChrist. Heh. **chuckles** Yes, I still get a kick out of that one.

The Cynic in me is looking at me like I'm crazy, but the Mystic in me wonders if that fish really did speak, and speak truly. Part of me is so heartily fed up with people anyway that I would almost welcome all of humankind to be wiped out. And perhaps some other species would evolve and become better Terran stewards than we are. And yet, part of me (the human part, I guess) still wants people to keep on living for some weird reason.

[Ahautenites]

Why does this keep happening to me? Why are my moods so extreme and so without warning? There was no reason for any of tonight. What is wrong with me and how do I *fix* it?

[Ahautenites]

I had a strange dream last night. I can't quite remember it all....

I was driving along on I-25 South because we were all going back home from doing something in Denver, and the traffic got really bogged down. Traffic became stop-and-go, but at one point, the guy in front of me stopped short and I couldn't stop in time, so I turned the steering wheel toward the left and continued to stop (so that I wouldn't rear-end him). The police cruiser behind me saw this and decided to pull me over. He gave me some driving lessons on a big whiteboard and gave me a red balloon. I was so apologetic and pitiful that he let me off without giving me a ticket. Then I finished driving on to home, which turned out to be my cousins' old neighborhood back in MA. Somewhere along the line, I lost all of the passengers in my car. And I remember walking around a junk yard that was actually Mike Stackpole's backyard. (He was a kid in my cousins' neighborhood that we used to play with. He was also the first boy I had a major crush on when I was in third grade.) Some big sheet of metal fell down with a loud clang. I think someone with a wrecking ball was there doing stuff. It gets confusing.

Then the scene changed and I remember being in my cousins' house and we were having a dinner get-together. Someone had made a lot of pies. I remember seeing two gorgeous lemon meringue pies on the table, and a few key lime pies and some other pies, too. I took a piece of pie, thinking it was going to be lemon meringue. It turned out to be key lime, but it tasted really good. Then my mom noticed that there was a piece of pie missing (because apparently no one was supposed to eat the pies at all that night), and she yelled at me. So I yelled back and finished off the pie slice. I remember grumbling to myself about how I'd had no idea I wasn't supposed to eat the pie. There was something else that happened, too, but I can't remember what. I think I talked with Bartleby and Loki (the angel guys in Dogma), too, but I'm not really sure.

**shakes head** Very confusing.

[Ahautenites]

**strolls outside to the sanctuary gardens and settles herself on a blanket in the dappled shade of a large maple tree by the waterlily pond.... a handful of ibises are there sunning themselves and trying to catch some fish**

Tired. Still. I want to go home and sleep like the dead. I shouldn't be so tired. I got seven hours of sleep. Honestly, I did. But I had a hard time even convincing my body to roll out of bed. What's the cause? Is it just that I hate my job? Is it like the way my grandmother used to be? (She almost always was to be found lying down because she was tired.) Is it just that my moods are kicking the crap out of me physically? Am I not eating enough healthy stuff? Is it just the weather? Depression? Aliens abducting me in the middle of the night and then making me forget what happens when I wake up in the morning? **chuckles to herself about that one**

**yawns hugely and stretches out on the blanket on the grass and watches butterflies fluttering around a deep violet butterfly bush nearby**

[Ahautenites]

**yawns** 'Mazing how I can look forward so much to going home, and then the moment I get here, I'm suddenly so tired that all I want to do is sleep. I'd had it in mind that I wanted to watch a couple movies tonight. But I only watched half of one of them. My lack of anything resembling an attention span is the reason for this.

[Ahautenites]

http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/meast/04/04/sprj.irq.iraq.sahaf/index.html This fills me with dread.

**places a statue of Seth on her altar and lays a platter of prime rib and a goblet full of red wine before it**

Keep them safe, please.

[Ahautenites]

**sits before her altar. Breathes in..............breathes out......... breathes in..............breathes out......... breathes in..............breathes out......... breathes in..............breathes out.........**


Today was awful as far as work goes. Please let tomorrow be better, and please, will someone out there PLEASE be interested in my resume when I send it to them?

[Ahautenites]

**smiles happily** Thank You!

Senebty,

NeferSesemet

[Ahautenites]

First time I ever dreamt of a god. I don't remember what my dreams were last night, but I remember that two of them had Setekh in them. **shakes head** I researched so much about various other Netjeru, and yet I never dreamt of them. The closest I came was an inspirational dream sent by Seshat. She Herself has never been in one.

[Ahautenites]

Nineteen days until the end of the legislative session. Just 19 days. Please..... please let me find a newer, better, NICER job very soon.

[Ahautenites]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm gonna kill him. Just wanna sever his head from his bod' and hang it on a wall in a trophy room. And throw darts at the stupid thing.

**venting over**

Okay.... **takes deep breaths** I need to get out of here. How? Where can I go? I don't *want* a retail job. I suck at retail. I smile and smile and smile until my face cramps, I stand for six hours straight and get foot and back problems. Not to mention the fact that for some reason I always am either over or under. No clue how, but it inevitably happens.

[Ahautenites]

**Ses sits wrapped in a dark gray shawl outside at the base of one of the columns, watching the black clouds roll along. Thunder rumbles in the distance, and from where she sits, she can see that torrential rain is pouring out of the clouds... hail, too, probably. Every now and then, flashes of angry red-white lightning light up the darkening sky**

[Ahautenites]

Well, much for that. **grumbles** A temp agency called me last night to check my availability for a graphic design position. But then I call first thing this morning and the woman tells me it's been filled, but that it had only been a month-long position anyway. She did put my name back on the reactivation list, so thank goodness for small favors.

[Ahautenites]

Some day soon, good things will come my way. A great job, a great love/lover, a home of my own, a horse of my own, a purpose. I was really hoping for something to come of that call last night, but still, at least I got to have my resume reactivated at AppleOne.

My goals now:

Apply for every job I see that I'm qualified for.
Write every day, but especially on weekends.
Read every day because I don't do that often enough.
Cook at least once a week because it's fun and enjoyable.
Clean my room, file papers and throw away everything I don't need.
Pay off my credit card. (So far, so good on that one. Increasingly lowering the rate seems to be the only way I can get myself back down into manageable bounds.)


***

Grant the evil twin safe travels, please. **lights a candle for him**

[Ahautenites]

A gilded marble statue (like the kind I'm getting myself for my birthday) sits in the middle of a black altar that is draped with a red altar cloth. . .

[Ahautenites]

**tacks one of her favorite comics to the wall behind the altar**

[Ahautenites]

**places a small hippo on the altar, as the hippo is sacred to Setekh**

(Cute little bugger, isn't it?)

[Ahautenites]

It's taken me forever (well, really only about seven months), but I've finally made a decision. Hopefully, it will be the right one. But it's better than limbo. At least now I have a goal in mind.

An offering, for wisdom . . .

[Ahautenites]

**sighs** Real life got in the way of my exercising this morning. I'll exercise tonight instead.

Gods, please.... tell me that most of the crap we're going through has a purpose. (Or at least tell me we can derive a purpose from it.)

I don't know what else to say that I haven't already said. We'll keep on keepin' on, but I really hope you'll make like a divine umbrella to protect us from the worst of the storm.

And let all of the things we're struggling to accomplish come to fruition soon. We could really use the pick-me-up.

[Ahautenites]

I've lost four pounds since Monday. Thank You for that.

[Ahautenites]

In the Wreck Room annex of the temple, Ses is busy beating things up and hoping that it will get rid of her headache**

I HATE REPUBLICANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ahautenites]

**leaves a bouquet of pink roses on the altar for Setekh and Bast** Thank You for returning all three of my brother's cats to him unharmed.

Please, let him get transferred out here soon. And protect him in his house there until such time as he can move here.

**lights a blue spiral candle** Keep him safe on his flight and drive back to his house in Alabama. **leaves a mental hug on the altar for her brother-in-soul**

[Ahautenites]

**sits on the temple steps overlooking a long reflecting pool glinting with rays of sunlight**

I don't know what to do. My boss is jerking me around. I tried standing up to him this morning by saying that Diana's desk is Diana's responsibility and that I'm not her assistant. He came back with, "Well, now you are. Get it done."

I was not hired to be his cleaning person. I do not vacuum in this job. He has a cleaning person to do this. I have a feeling he's going to fire me because "On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm about a 5000 in seriousness about this. Get that office cleaned up. It's been five months and I'm disappointed that you've left it all to the last three days."

He must think I like working in filth. Granted, my own bedroom is a mess, but I hate working in a messy office. Always have. You would never usually guess by my office that my bedroom was anything other than spotless. But yet, I've been twiddling my thumbs here at work rather than getting the office cleaned. Because goodness knows, I've been doing absolutely nothing here in the last five months.

I don't know what to do. Every fiber of my being is at war with itself because all I want to do is walk out. But if I walk out, I have no job. And no, I know for a fact that he wouldn't come groveling for me to come back because he has Minna. Minna his political aide is now going to be working at the ranch. And I'm sure Tom would offer this job to him and Minna would accept it in a heartbeat.

I actually feel sick to my stomach right now.

[Ahautenites]

**Shoves aside the other entry and decides to ruminate for a moment**

When it rains, it pours. **shakes head in cynical humor** Look at us all, trapped in our own private little hells. "Understand, we'll go hand-in-hand, but we'll walk alone in fear. Tell me.... where do we go from here?" "What do you do when you have to choose, when every way that you turn you lose?" "I feel fine enough, I guess. Considering everything's a mess."

Well, despite this neverending struggle for financial freedom, I just want you to know.... Athena, Katy, Don: I love you. I wish I could spend all day just listing your wonderful attributes and how much you mean to me. You're family and more than family in so many ways. I know things in all of our lives are pretty tough right now, but.... "What can't we do if we're together? What's in this place that we can't whether?" Even bunnies (Ever see Lepus?).... **gentle smile**

I wish I could heal all of your hurts, ease your troubled minds, and assuage all of your fears, but the best I can do is be here, help in any way I can and just love you all.

It really sucks to be on this side of the wheel, but the wheel is not stationary. It's constantly moving, and this part of the cycle will eventually end. We are changed forever by it, but we will emerge stronger for it.

**huge group hug for my sisters and brother**

[Athena-Nadine]

{{{hugs}}}

Thanks, Sis.

[WandererInGray]

*soft smile and a hug* Coming from you, Hon. That means more than you know.

We'll all be okay. Damned if we'll let anything like this beat us down after everything else we've survived. ;)

[Ahautenites]

**walks into the temple with a grim expression** Today's the day the boss is coming home from the Capitol. And I don't have a new job lined up. I don't understand why things are coming to pass this way. I've been trying since I got this job to get OUT of this job. My desk is nearly cleaned (only one pile of stuff left to file out of the original five large piles). That is the one thing I said I did want to accomplish at this job before I left. Please, after I finish it, help me find a new job quickly. A fantastic new job. Tell me that I won't have to endure him much longer. I have never dreaded work as much as I do now. Last night's dreams didn't help, either. I dreamt that I went to the airport to buy a plane ticket to go home for my brother's graduation. I got to the counter and realized I only had $107 in my checking account, rather than the $345 that I needed for the ticket. So, I turned around and walked away. When I woke up, my first thought was, "That was stupid. Why didn't I just use my credit card?" Still, it really bothered me. **shrugs with a sigh** If the next few days, weeks, months are to teach me how to stand up for myself, I won't be here very long. I stood up to him yesterday and he hung up on me, convinced that I was PMS-ing or something. **shakes head** I need the money, That's the only reason I've stayed as long as I have. I didn't think I had it in me to stay five months. But somehow, here I am. Please, don't let him say anything to make me walk out on him. Grant me the patience to deal with him and grant me a civil tongue at all times. And granting me the ability to restrain myself from tackling him and throttling him in a fit of rage would be good, too. (In which case, fleeing *before* I lost control like that would be a VERY GOOD idea, my gut's opinion to the contrary.)

Let today be a good day. Or if not, give me the strength to get through it, somehow, with my sanity and clean criminal record intact.

[Ahautenites]

Thank you for yesterday. I'm very grateful. I'd like to continue the trend today, too, if possible. **leaves a rose so red it's nearly black on the altar**

[Ahautenites]

Thank You for Friday, too. It was a great day. I went to work and stayed only until 11:30. Then I went home. Katy and I went out for pizza and then walked the mall until I found the perfect Mother's Day gift for my mom. (I still feel bad that I haven't sent it yet. I haven't had the time.) Then we went out Friday night and for the first time I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I even learned (well, tried to learn, anyway) how to play pool. I kept envisioning my boss as each of the balls, so I got still more enjoyment out of the idea of thwacking his head around a table with a pointy stick.

Saturday was good enough. Nice and quiet. Considering all that I drank the night before, I was infinitely glad I still get to keep my hangover-free status.

Today was okay. Kind of boring. Most exciting things I did were go to IHOP for lunch and then take a two-hour drive all by myself. Just drove around for 70 miles. Now I have three, count 'em, THREE miles left to go until my car hits the 100,000 mark. **sighs** I tried. I really did. But my bladder wouldn't wait any longer. So I pulled into the yard with just those measley three miles left.

And now I'm just hanging around the house, bored out of my mind. Actually, it's boredom combined with restlessness and worry about tomorrow. All I want is a new job where I make a lot of money, have fun doing my job, and work with really nice people. But instead, I'm stuck with my jerk of a boss who I'm sure will make my life a living hell tomorrow, seeing as he will be back in the office, unless he gets ill or drops dead or something tonight. (Yes, at this point, I don't feel bad about wishing.) Gods, all I want to do is run away. That's what I was trying to do on that drive this afternoon. I don't want to be working for him anymore. I hate him and the Ultra-Conservative Christian Evangelical Republican nation for which he stands. I feel like I'm trapped in my own skull, wings beating against the bars in there as I frantically try to escape. (And it's giving me a splitting headache... the second one I've had today.)

"I want to get away..... I wanna fly away, yeah yeah yeah."

Or else, maybe I could just hide in my bedroom, in my bed, under the covers. Maybe the covers will protect me from the rest of the world the way they keep the closet monsters, under the bed monsters, ghosts, aliens, and bumps in the night from getting me.

**shakes head with a sigh** Unfortunately, magically enchanted bed covers don't ward off The Evil Work Monster (TiM).

I'm trying. I try every day to apply for at least one job. I try to work on bits and pieces of my story, on the off chance that if I finish it, it could actually be good enough to fetch a price on the literature market. I keep trying to endure, one breath after another until days, weeks, and months pass. I complain all the while, but I'm not one to just suck it up. I can't. I keep this frustration bottled up inside and I'll either die of a heart attack or else be committed to an insane asylum for the rest of my life. I joke about being pretty nutty, but true insanity scares the hell out of me more thoroughly than almost anything else in the world. I'm a total control freak, and the thought of losing my mind in any way, shape or form terrifies me.

As it is, I have a quirky habit of writing journal entries (like my AOTA posts) whenever I'm bored and have access to something to write on and something to write with. And from something I saw on a documentary once, it's actually something that a lot of mentally ill people do.

**shifts restlessly in her seat, a troubled frown on her face** I guess it's part of the reason I like Matchbox 20's "Unwell" so much. ("Im not crazy, I'm just a little unwell....") I sing it at the top of my lungs and with the car radio blaring whenever it comes on the radio on my way home from work. I'm just desperately trying to convince myself that I'm not crazy, just overworked and underpaid and having my skills improperly utilized on a daily basis.

In my limited experience, nothing sucks so much as working in an unfulfilling job. Except not having a job at all during a lousy economy. (And here we have the No. 1 reason for my not quitting.)

I wish the drive on Perry Park Road could have lasted another couple hours before I had to turn around. Unfortunately, it ends at a perpendicularly placed street where you must either pick right to go to Monument or left to go back to Castle Rock. Next time I go for a drive that direction, I'm choosing to go Right.

For all that I want to escape, I'm not really looking forward to going back to Massachusetts in June. I had no choice but to take a middle seat on the plane to go out there and I hate riding planes anyway. It's not that I fear them. Rather, I find them extremely long, boring ways of getting places. I'd rather drive back there over the period of three days. Then spend just a couple days there, and drive my butt back home. But no. I have my **grits teeth so hard that it adds to her already pounding headache** wonderful job to get back to and I don't have any paid leave time of any kind so I can't take very long to be there and get back again.

"All I want to do is have a little fun before I die..." I was in a job at AMR that was boring me to death. I was isolated from everyone and everything in Massachusetts. Hated my life. Hated my family. Hated living there. So, what did I do? Sought life, liberty and pursuit of happiness by moving 3/4th of the way across the country. And what happened? Got a job at a daycare center because I needed money right away. And then the place announced that it was closing before I'd had a chance to find a great job. I left two weeks before the place closed and got a temp job just before Christmas. I thought it was the answer to all of my prayers. And, in a sense, it was. I wanted a permanent job, a desk job, immediately, doing anything, and for more money than the school had paid me. **humorless laugh** After the begging and pleading I did with whatever Powers That Be, circumstances changed and I landed this job. Yay me. And now I can't get out until I have a new job in hand because I don't have anything saved at all to fall back on the way I did when I walked out of the daycare school job.

I know that times are hard in the job market, but please.... just keep me sane and out of financial difficulties until a truly great job (in all the ways that I've mentioned ad nauseam on and offline) finally comes my way.

Senebty

[Ahautenites]

There. 100,002.7 miles.

[Ahautenites]

Thank You for letting the past week go better than I thought it was going to... so far. (Yes, I know the week isn't over yet. I know that *today* isn't even over yet.)

Thank You for Tris. He's becoming a wonderful companion.

Thank You for Gandalf. He's not mine, but he's a charming little cat, and he's more cuddly than Tris currently is.

Thank You for my sisters and brother and my friends. And for my family, too.

Thank You for letting me survive this long out of the nest.

Thank You for helping me learn what I need to.

Thank You for helping me on my journey to become more fully myself. The changes in my personality have been staggering. I still have a long way to go, though.

Thank You for beautiful, warm, sunny spring days.

Thank You for letting me find this really cool ring (the silver wire wrap ring on my left index finger). It looks so funky that I smile every time I look at it.

I'm puzzled by the dreams I had last night, but thank You, Setekh, for finally letting me "hear" You. I wish I could hear in words, but emotions and imagery work well enough. **small smile**

[Ahautenites]

**sits before her altar, gazing at the beautiful statue of Setekh that she's going to buy with her first paycheck if she gets this job (otherwise, it'll wait until her birthday) and contemplates**

Please let me get this. Thank You at the very least for giving me an interview. I can do graveyard shift.... Really.

[Ahautenites]

**sets a gorgeous clear plate with translucent colored glass titles set around the edges on the altar and fills it with a huge salad with every one of her favorite salad ingredients, and then pours some of the best white zinfandel she can find into a matching stemware glass and sets it on the altar, too**

Thank You for getting me this interview so fast, and for lletting the interview seem to go well. If this job is at all right for me, please let me get it. (If not, please help me find something else very soon.) And thank You for all of the kind words of encouragement and love and energy people here on this have been giving me, not just today and yesterday, but for every day. Without them all, life would be so much more miserable, if not completely unbearable.

[Ahautenites]

Please let this meeting go well. The butterflies in my stomach are pounding the walls to get out and I'm afraid they will.... and my upchuck reflex will kick in.

I haven't heard anything yet about that job. **Crosses everything that is crossable on her body**

[Ahautenites]

Thank You. The meeting went better than expected and as a bonus, he let me go home for the weekend at 2 pm.

**pouts** I have to wait the whole weekend until I hear back from Lakeshore about that job.

I want to explore Castle Rock this weekend. I'm going to have to convince Wanderer to go with me at least some of the time, if only for the simple reason that her other arm needs to get as red as her driving arm. :D

[Ahautenites]

**lights a pale mint green candle on the altar**

Here it is... Monday morning. I'll find out today about that job. I've been thinking about it so much all weekend that I went to bed with a headache and woke up with one this morning. I keep hoping that my desire to work the later shift will compensate for any mistakes I made on the proofreading test. I have this terrible fear that, somehow, I temporarily took leave of my senses during the test and completely messed up every answer on it. I know that didn't happen, but I still wonder just how many mistakes I made and what the cut-off point is.

I'm going to be in a meeting with my boss until nearly noon today, so I can't even call to find out until lunchtime.

Great Ones, if the answer is yes, I will do my best and be happy at my new job. But if it isn't, please give me the strength and courage to accept it and send more hope for a better future.

[Ahautenites]

Well, no news was better than bad news. **crosses fingers** But good news would be better still.

Thank You for my sisters, my brother, my friends and my family back East.

Thank You for enjoyable nights out. I want to repay the kindness some day soon.

**looks over at the side of the window and sees that the count of smilies is no longer 70 but 247** :ahhhh: :hairraise Are they going to take over MW in some fiendish evil plot? :lookaroun Ah well. The more the merrier, I guess. :boquet: Only, why is it "boquet" instead of "bouquet"?

**cackles in extreme amusement** There's an icon called "hailmol"???? Dude, that's too cool!

Glad I was online to see all of those. They put a :smile: on my face.

[Ahautenites]

**crosses fingers momentarily** I'd really like this job. I've been dying to know whether I got it or not, and the staffing agency is having me call back today.

It would be ideal to have them tell me that I got the job, and then I could walk out of here (and never come back), and go home and sunbathe for awhile. Then I could call everyone and be virtually bouncing off the walls with excitement, relief and happiness. Of course, I'll settle for just bouncing off the walls with happiness from getting the job and then calling everyone to tell them. I can sunbathe another day and I could use the complete paycheck's money.

[Ahautenites]

Dude, I said I wanted everything BUT the sunbathing, not NOTHING but sunbathing. **pitiful laugh**

I have a mild headache now, in addition to the one sitting in my driveway.

**sighs** So far, though, I'm not as worried as I normally would be about my car. It's a minor inconvenience at the moment. There's too much else I need to think about to worry too much about this.

[Ahautenites]

**enormous grin and dancing and singing through the temple**

Should have known this was Your work!!! Just enough chaos to make me a little nutty, but not enough to truly kill me. And it was constructive chaos, which is definitely a hallmark of Your handiwork.


THANK YOU!!!!!! Tuesday at 3. I will be there, and I will wow them as best I can. **continues to cross fingers and hope**

[Ahautenites]

**carves Nallia's name into a candle and lights it, then sets it on the altar**

Great Ones ~

Grant her safe travels, peaceful sleep, and a lot of fantastic R&R.

[Ahautenites]

Just found a great picture of Endora from Bewitched. Before I could read and before I had any sort of witchy books, I had Bewitched. I love this show. I watch it every time I get the chance.

I just wanted to say thank you to Agnes Moorehead (1906 to 1974), who was born in my very own homestate, for portraying Endora as the kind of person that I actually idolize and who I wanted to be like when I was little. Still do, in some ways.