Melysande's Personal Altar

[Melysande]

Great Ones,

I'm grateful for my friends and family. I'm grateful for this new home-away-from-home. I'm grateful that I'll have my phone line back again in a couple days (as soon as the phone company fixes the lines a large truck brought down). I'm grateful that I'm doing well on my diet. I'm grateful that I'll be visiting my dearest friends in October. I'm grateful for all the time I spent with tika (and I hope he's well, wherever he his now, and that I'll get to see him again one day). I'm grateful for my job, that lets me pay my bills, get good things, and help people out on occasion. I'm grateful that my mood has improved since I finished redecorating my room. I'm grateful that Spring is nearly here again, and that this year is already a third of the way done.

Please, take care of my heart-sister and her family through her grandparents' illness. Let my two dearest friends (who are engaged) find a way to be together in the same state by this time next year. Let another of my sisters find find the perfect job, and soon. Give my brother more (and more-healthful) food to eat. Give another brother a job so that he might pay for his house and provide for his wife and children. Comfort my sister Azure in the loss of her grandmother. Give luck to my coworker in his search for his dream house.

B*B

[Melysande]

(And of course we all know I don't really leave candles burning--especially those in an oil warmer--unattended for hours on end in real life.)


**sits before a thick, white pillar candle on the altar, watching the way the flame glints off the gold of Aset's body and wings and thinks on her, and Seshat, Djehuty, Wesir, Heru, Ma'at, Het-hert and all of the rest, as well as Hera and the Holly King**

I'm grateful that Spring is on its way. I'm grateful that today was a gorgeous, sunny day, and that that weekend will be in the 60s. I'm grateful that I'm getting my taxes done this weekend. I'm grateful that tomorrow is Friday. I'm grateful that I finally have stuff to do this week at work. I'm grateful for my family, and for my friends (who are soul family) and my online family. I'm grateful for the Internet and Instant Messenger modules and e-mail, all of which are effective, and a lot cheaper than long-distance phone calls. I'm grateful that MW is here, and that I wasn't summarily booted out for bringing an army. **laughs a little at the mental image**I'm grateful for all of the books I have left to read. (Now if only I can find the time to read them...) I'm grateful for sugarless gum, which lets me have something tasty to chew, but only 5 calories per piece. I'm grateful that I'll be going to bed soon.

Great Ones, I haven't actually read most of the threads here, but please give jobs and happiness to those that are seeking employment, good fortune to those in need of money and give comfort and support to those who are in mourning or about to be in mourning. And watch over expectant moms (and the dads, too ;)), babies and children. **good-natured smile and a wink at the statue** Thanks in advance.

~ B*B and Senebty ~

**snuffs the candles with a sterling silver candle snuffer and goes offline to her real-life bed**

[Melysande]

**sits in her chair--too tired to actually walk the seven feet to her altar**

I'm grateful that today is finally over and that I'm going to bed in a couple minutes. I'm grateful for Chinese food. I'm grateful for being able to sleep in. I'm grateful for good friends and good family (even when we all drive each other bonkers).

I hope you'll let DT's lost prairie dog be found safe and sound and be returned to its loving home.

[Melysande]

**sits in front of her altar and sighs**

I think the only good things that happened today are that I got to sleep in, had a dream about a visit from tika, I got to laugh a bit in the Oops and Cloud & Tree threads, and I had fried haddock for dinner. So, I'll be happily grateful for those things. I'll also be grateful for having a day off, not having to worry about taxes again for another whole year, and grateful that I don't owe the government any more money than what the accountant says I owe.

Could you please give a mental flick on the ear to the yahboh that made the mistake on the W-4 form I filled out?

A Enter "1" for yourself if no one else can claim you as a dependent.

B Enter "1" if you are single and have only one job.

So I did. 1 for A and 1 for B. That's 2. And on my W-2 form, it gave me 2 dependents. I don't HAVE any dependents. (And in fact, that's part D: Enter the number of dependents other than yourself: 0, which I put down.) Dweebs!

And if you can make it so I never go on Unemployment ever again, I'll be infinitely grateful. Embarrassing to go through, and incredibly annoying to have to pay so much for it later on.

**sighs** Guess that means I should also be grateful for my job. It IS a good job. Just wish the subject matter was more interesting.

I hope tomorrow is better and more relaxing.

B*B and Senebty.

[Melysande]

I'm grateful for having heard from friends today that I haven't heard from in a long while. Im grateful for getting to sleep in this morning. I'm grateful for the Internet and for Harry Potter audio tapes. I'm grateful for the fun dream about the black miniature horse. (Want one of those in the waking world. They're so cute!)

I'm hoping to wake up in the morning and have a more positive outlook on my job and on my diet.

B*B

[Melysande]

**Mel sits in front of her altar, lights the candles and jasmine incense, and stills her thoughts for a few moments**

Great Ones, I'm grateful that the weather was so nice today. I'm grateful that I had enough work to do today to make me comfortably busy. I'm grateful for this wonderful site and the the old friends and the new. I'm grateful for so many close friends (close in spirit, anyway, since all of them are in different states). I'm grateful for my family (even though some days, I'd rather just disown them). I'm grateful beyond words for all of the wonderful time I shared with tika, and grateful that he still visits once in awhile. I'm grateful for having friends to listen to my problems as well as my triumphs. I'm grateful that I can be there for them as well. I'm grateful for the delicious salad I had for lunch and the lovely baked haddock I had for dinner. I'm grateful that tomorrow is Friday. I'm grateful that my OSP article doesn't have to be written until next month (thank you, thank you, thank you!). I'm grateful that tomorrow is payday. I'm grateful that I have 19 vacation days left to use this year. I'm grateful that I will be using some of those days to meet my friends for the first time.

[Melysande]

**sits happily in front of her online altar (which is almost an exact replica of her real one)**

Great Ones, I'm very grateful for today. It started wonderfully and ended wonderfully, too. May every day in the future be as good or better.

I'm grateful for my old online home for the simple reason that, without it, I wouldn't have my dearest friends or possibilites for an incredible future.

And I'm grateful for those friends. I'd be lost without you all.

I'm grateful that my ankh pendant came today in the mail. It's lovely and it feels just right on me.

~ Em ma'at ~

[Melysande]

**Smiling at the sight of her beautiful altar, Melysande arranges a bouquet of fresh spring daffodils in the cobalt blue vase near the statue of Aset**

It's been awhile since I was last here at the online version of the altar. Great Ones, thank you for letting me get all of my work done, for giving me the flood that I asked for (**still chuckles over that one**) and for giving me the greatest friends I could ever ask for. All of them. Thank you for the new song that a friend gave me tonight. It's made it to my Top 20 list (possibly higher than that). He said, "You *need* this song," and he was surprisingly right. This song fits my mood perfectly, for all that it has a depressing-sounding title (Wasting My Time).

I'm grateful for today. It was a gorgeous one. And the night air is wonderful and refreshing, too. Excellent sleeping weather.

I'm grateful for self discipline. Someone dragged up an old thread of mine on the site I used to post to, and I very nearly posted, just for the heck of it. But there's nothing there for me, really. And it's my guess that the site won't be there at all by the end of the year, of not sooner. Better to not get reattached to anything that will only be severed rudely later on.

I'm grateful for my favorite pair of black sandals that are just the right height off the ground. I'm grateful that I fit comfortably into a pair of jeans that I couldn't wear a few months ago. I'm grateful for losing another pound.

I'm grateful for my new hula hoop, and for having the independent streak that lets me buy a sparkly purple and silver hula hoop without caring too much what other people think.

I'm grateful for every moment I spent with tika, and for all the visits I think I've received from him since. I want him to be the first one I see when it's my time.

I'm grateful that it's nighttime, and that I'm going to bed now.

B*B and Senebty,

Melysande

[Melysande]

Great Ones,

Thank you for letting me find time to get outside and undo more of the damage my dad did to the backyard. The land seems lifeless now. I hope you will add your blessings to the creation of this memorial sanctuary I wish to create. I hope you will guide me in choosing the right plants and decorations, and I hope the plants will thrive and bring life back to at least this one section of the yard.

I also thank you that I didn't get any blisters today for my efforts. :)

Thank you for the great night's sleep I got last night.

Thank you for the love of my friends and family, all of them.

[Melysande]

**Melysande wanders into her altar thread, lovingly touches the delicate golden shoulder of the Isis statue on the small table, and then decides to walk to her sacred space in Fallen Pines. She meanders along the narrow path through the woods edging Breed's Pond, ascends the trail until she passes through two slender birch trees and gazes upon the rocky outcropping with the prostrate pine trees that are still alive and growing. Then she steps carefully down the other side and looks out on the water sparkling in the sunlight and lapping at the shore. She sits down on a smooth stone at the water's edge and watches the Canada geese fly by honking and land in the water on the far side of the pond. The light, woodsy-scented breeze (with a hint of ocean) stirs her dark hair and tickles her nose. The sun warms her face, kisses her lips, and caresses her pale, bare arms and legs as she takes in the quiet beauty. A dragonfly hovers nearby for a moment , flashing like a bronze and green jewel.**

Not really sure why I'm here. I can't actually go here in the real world anymore. Not since the drunk and the prostitute were there making out. But something about this place still calls to me, still feels like it was made for my peace of mind. I'm feeling so restless lately. Not much I can do about it, either. I'm glad I've been wasting my time productively, and glad I've lost 14 pounds (as of this morning). But now what? I know we're supposed to make our own destinies and not believe that we have any kind of fate, but some days it sure feels like there's something I'm supposed to be doing. Just wish I knew what it was so I could go about doing it. I miss tika, too. Without him at home to fill in the silent hours, I've got nothing to really distract me from this whatever-it-is that keeps worrying at the corners of my mind. **picks up a few small pebbles and tosses them into the water, one by one** I'm in a funk. I'm not happy doing what I'm doing, but I haven't seen anything I want to be doing elsewhere. Work is work, no matter where I go or what I do.

**The sun begins to sink behind the trees across the way, and still Mel sits there lost in thought.**

I was so happy to get Buffy: The Musical. I've listened to it all day. But the songs I keep listening to most often are "Going Through The Motions" and "Drawn To The Fire." I've felt like those two songs all day long. So. How do I get the fire back? What will make my heart sing as much as the rest of me does? Guess that makes me Girl with a mission.... Mission Girl. Let's hope it's not Mission Impossible, huh? **smiles weakly at the Ones listening**

Logic (me and logic...? No good can possibly come of this) dictates that I should make a list of all of the things that I want. The things that will make me happy. Hmm. Sounds like familiar territory. **slips back into the real world to look at her old "Goals" file** Here it is, so far:

1. Lose weight

2. Get a job I will LOVE.

3. Visit my friends frequently

4. Sing

5. Have a house of my own, with lots of land

6. Set up that 100-gal aquarium, finally

7. Make love

8. Get married

9. Have children

10. Do volunteer work at a horse rehabilitation farm, or else adopt horses and/or burros from the BLM

11. Have my own tavern/theatre/temple


So. I'm working on 1, planning to do 2 in the near future if at all possible, and aiming to start doing 3 at Samhain. I do 4 as is, but just not with a group (which is what I would like to do). 5 is my medium-range goal. 6 will only happen after 5 happens because dad is a jerk. 7, 8, and 9 **tosses hands in the air** No clue. You'd know better than I. 10, a later on in life project. 11, a later-still-on-in life project. :p

Peachy. It's a start. Now I just need to figure out what else I want. And since the sun has set and my stomach is rumbling, I'm going to continue that thought another time.

**Mel bids farewell to the woods and walks back home in the twilight.**

[Melysande]

Great Ones ~

Thank you for the dream visit last night from tika. It was comforting, as always.

Thank you for the plans I have to visit my wonderful friends this year. (And thank you for the friends themselves, too.)

I'm still thinking about last night's tarot reading. I know that there is "much success to be had" if I "take the initiative" to make it happen. I just want this year to go the way planned it. I want to clean my room because it needs it desperately. I want to order plants for my shade garden and make it look lovely before I go on vacation. I want to have the time of my life in Colorado on vacation. I want to buy a new bedroom set. I want to have still another great vacation in Alabama. I want to lose another 50 lbs. by that vacation. I want to look for my dream job after that vacation. And I want to move out of my parents' house. In that order, if at all possible. Unless You've got other plans. . .

**soft smile**

Senebty, Netjeru.

[Melysande]

I'm grateful for a gorgeous day. I'm grateful for having gotten all of my Mother's Day gifts. I'm grateful for having lost 52 lbs since January of 2001. I'm grateful that I'm doing so well and that I have encouragement and support to lose the remaining 106 lbs. I'm grateful for the trips I've got planned this year. I'm grateful for this new art hobby. (I've been in much need of a creative outlet.) I'm grateful that my hair is getting so long. (It hasn't been this long since I was in first grade.) I'm grateful that, even though my mother has been in my room twice recently, she hasn't noticed my altar. (How she could miss it, I don't know. But I'm very glad she hasn't noticed it.)

Bless my friends. All of them. Let them all achieve all that their hearts desire and let them leave a long-lasting, positive mark on the world that will influence others for ages after they've gone to their reward.

As for me.... when I retire, I want to live in my very own Pagan temple, tend the gardens and my animals, and have a library.

[Melysande]

**Places a picture as an offering on her online altar**

Bast, Great Lady, I promised You this back in January. I'm sorry it's a bit late.

Thank You All for letting me give my mom a good Mother's Day. Please give me strength and allow me to achieve the right frame of mind and much patience to deal with work this week.

[Melysande]

**Mel smiles at the thoughtful, beautiful blessing she'd seen on Azure's altar, and then gazes on her own golden Isis on her altar. Using a mister, she sprays the delicate orchids growing nearby. She takes her bottle of jasmine essential oil and brushes parts of the Isis statue with her oiled fingers. She then lights the two white candles and the sage green center one, and fills a cobalt blue goblet with fresh spring water. Then she picks up a red wax lump shaped like a real human heart that contains a piece of Colorado and cradles it lovingly in her left hand. She sits before her altar and picks up her cobalt blue Seshat/Ma'at ostrich feather pen and a special notebook, and starts to write**

Great Ones, thank you for all of my friends. Losing tika was the hardest thing that's ever happened to me, and if I didn't have my friends, I don't think I'd be here now. I love them all so much. **gentle smile**

Thank you for today's TNG episode, "Tapestries." I got the message. And I'm glad I didn't have to get stabbed in the back by a Nausicaan to get your drift. "Playing it safe" isn't a stellar strategy: it would keep me alive, but is that really living?

Thank you for helping me lose 20 lbs. Now, if I can just stop falling off the wagon so I can lose the rest. I'm five lbs. heavier now than I was when I graduated college, and 25 lbs. heavier than when I graduated high school. I wasn't thin then, but I looked and felt a lot better then than I do now. The past two weeks have been pretty lousy for me, weight-wise. I only just barely lost a pound this last week. I really need to do better. And I need to get back to exercising regularly. It's the only thing that's really going to help me.

Thank you for the vacations I'm going on this year. They still don't seem really real, and they probably won't until about a week beforehand.

Thank you for keeping the "Are you crazy" panic from rearing its ugly head. So far, I've only felt it once, one morning when I woke up and rolled over in bed. But I managed to brush it away fast enough. It's been odd that I've been able to do this so easily. Two months ago, I wouldn't have been feeling like this was Right. And now I do. And I've got Hylarr and tika and the rest of my spirit guides, all of You, and my friends to help me. Things will be all right. Wherever I am. I'm sure of it.

I think that looking for job right now may be unrealistic. But in the weeks leading up to the move, I would like to activate a resume that has Colorado contact information on it, so that hopefully, by the time I arrive, I will be able to go on interviews and get a job right off the bat. Just please don't let me be a burden at all. Five months was a long time to find a job last time. This time, I'd like to find one right away, and keep it, and like it.

I've tried going through all of my stuff to see what I can get rid of. I found that I've already thrown away everything I'm willing to throw away. There are some things I don't need, but I don't want to throw them out. I need to see what I can do about giving them away since I can't have a yardsale. Well.... that's not exactly true. I can convince my parents that they ought to have one. It's not that I want money. It's that I want to see my beloved things find good homes. I was hoping to save my toys for my children when I had them, but I may give them to my cousin Tracy for her daughter, instead. Poor little thing has nothing and her parents are complete idiots. I have some games that I can leave here, since they weren't mine to begin with. They belonged to my parents originally. I've got a ton of clothes I'm hoping to give to charity because, with persistence and perseverance, they'll be far too large for me to ever wear again.

I'm still not sure what to do about the floor in here. I'm hoping I can just get a nice, cheap rug to cover the whole floor. But I don't know. I may still just cut my parents a check for when they get wall-to-wall carpeting in the whole house. I don't even necessarily have to pay for it now. I'm sure they'd let me get a job first. That's the beauty of them being my parents. **smiles** They know I'm good for it.

I guess, in all this rambling, I'm saying thank you for my life, and for not allowing me to let opportunities pass me by. Thank you for my hopes and my dreams, and for the drive to achieve them, and the friends to give me moral support when I need it.

**she fondles the red wax heart with a mountain stone inside it** My piece of Colorado. It is said that home is where the heart is. So mote it be. **she places the heart stone back on the altar, where it will lie until she personally returns it to where it came from**

Dua Netjeru
Senebty
B*B

**she extinguishes the candles with the stainless steel gingko leaf candle snuffer and leaves the way she came**

[Melysande]

**looks at the small brass, heart-shaped frame with the picture of tika in it on her altar and picks it up lovingly and whispers**

Hey there, little bird. Can you make sure Steph's Jake is okay, huh? He's a really nice dog.

**kisses the picture**

Love you, tik'.

**puts the picture back down on her altar and leaves the way she came**

[Melysande]

Mel sits before her altar and lights the candles and looks things over contemplatively for a moment. Then she grips Isis's shoulder with her left index finger and thumb, smiles warmly and says hello to her goddess. She folds her hands in her lap and looks into the goddess's eyes entreatingly.

"Lady, I hope you and Seshat and the other Netjeru will grant me the patience I need to deal with my mother when she starts talking like an idiot. I'm not canceling my trip and I'm not going to have any 'personality problems' with my friends and there will be nothing wrong with the frelling sheets! **sighs** Why does she keep trying to make me miserable? For the past year and a half, I've talked more to these people each day than I do to her. I have more in common with them than I ever had with her. I'm going to have a good time. I'll be fine. Why can't she get that through her head? And please, would you mind giving her a couple proverbial thumps on her pumpkin head for thinking that anyone is going to take advantage of me? They're FRIENDS. Friends don't do that. I know she loves me, but I swear she thinks I'm a total moron....."

Mel sighs again, closes her eyes and senses the warmth and brightness of the candlelight on her eyelids as she tries to center herself.

[Melysande]

Aset, Queen of Heaven and Protectress of her Child. I, too, am one of yours and in need of protection. Goddess, grant me safe passage in my travels. Make this journey a good one, please, and keep me safely enfolded in your wings, Lady.

Seshat, Keeper of the House of Records and owner of my head, grant me safe passage in my travels, that I may record my tales faithfully in my journal.

Senebty, Great Ones.

[Melysande]

**contemplates the past week in silence before her altar for a few minutes**

Dua, Neteru, for the most wonderful time I've had in my entire life. Thank you also for letting me meet and spend such good times with three of the dearest people to me in the whole world. Thank you for their support, their comfort, their friendship, and their laughter. Thank you for guiding me to them and to Colorado. Thank you for making the trip go so smoothly. Thank you for allowing me to prove to my blood relatives that I'm all grown up now and that I am the one, of all of my family, who had the courage to go to a new place, alone, to be with people I've never met, and do things I've never done. Thank you for the sheer beauty of that land and all of its rocky formations, it's vast grassy expanses, its truly majestic (and truly) purple mountains, its wild animals and domesticated ones, its plant life and its enormous sky. This place and my friends healed a large festering wound deep inside of me. Thank you for sparing my luggage from the fate of so many other pieces of baggage last night. Thank you for the Internet, without which, I'd never have met my soul family or been able to plan this trip so well. Thank you for the family of my heart sister, who made me feel so welcome during my stay. (It's been my experience that family of friends are never so hospitable and openly nice.) Thank you for the dryness of that state, seeing as it was so hot there. Thank you for not letting me get air sick or altitude sick. Thank you for not letting me get a sunburn, and thank you for keeping me from gaining any weight while I was there. Thank you for the peace, the quiet, the darkness, the sunlight, and the freedom to just be myself in all of my insane yet loveable glory.

Please let me go back there someday soon. And let me find good work once I'm there.

One obstacle down: I told Mom and Dad that I want to move out there. Next obstacle will be to tell them *when*.

The next thing on my to do list is to get my pictures back on Wednesday. Then I have to go to New Hampshire for a family cookout. Please let it go well. At least I'll have plenty of pictures and stories to tell. Thank you for that.

And then, I just want to have to deal with AMR until about the middle of August before giving my notice. Please let my sisters be stable by then so that I'm not a burden.

Then, my plan (unless you have a better one, nai?) is to pack, and move out when Wanderer and Nallia drive out here, and then we all have a problem free trip back.

There is a trip planned for October, too. Please let that trip go at least as smoothly and let me meet and laugh and spend time with the rest of my wonderful friends.

After that, please.... Help! It's that great fear of mine called "The Unknown." Where will I live, how will I live, will I find work soon, and where, and will I like it, and will I ever learn to drive comfortably out there....

My cards keep telling me to "Go For It" and to "Worry About One Thing At A Time." Here's hoping I don't land on my face and that while I'm only worrying about one thing at a time, the other things don't gang up on me from behind.

Well Wishes.... To Wanderer for her grandmother, to Nallia for Mika and for her dental pain and her unfinished story, to Phoenix for his stepfather, to Azure for her new puppy and for her potential mate angst and internal turmoil. And hugs for anyone else who needs them, too.

B*B, Senebty.....

[Melysande]

**sits forelornly before the altar and gazes into Aset's eyes entreatingly**

Please, Lady. Help me find the patience to deal with my parents. I thought the battle was won the other night when I said I wanted to move to Colorado. Evidently not. (I should have known better.) Now, my dad thinks I'm not thinking things through and that I'm acting impulsively, because after all, I've only visited this place once, and I don't really know these people. He doesn't know that I've been considering this for the past year and a half. And he thinks that I'm not ready to be out on my own. I should have asked him what "unimpulsive and well thought out" plan he would have me ascribe to. Am I supposed to visit twice? Six times? Several years? A decade before I make my decision? Oh, right. If it were him, he wouldn't move at all. He'd be content to just visit. Or more accurately, he would be content to just think about visiting but never get off his sorry arse to DO anything about it.

He asked, "What about when your friend gets married in 2005 or whenever it is and moves out.....?" The doofus never stopped to think about how old I'll be then: I will be TWENTY-EIGHT. Quite old enough, thank you.

I truly think that he thinks I won't be ready to move out even when I'm in my 50s.... or my 90s, for that matter.

At that point in the conversation, my brother entered the room and joked by saying that we were all arguing like little kids. (We weren't, and I had no problem with his joke because I know he was just kidding.) First words out of my dad's mouth were, "There's only one little kid in this room and she's sitting right there," while he pointed at me.

My parents are driving me mental, almost to the point where I want to rip every hair out of my head and drown my sorrows in several bottles of cheap wine.

I can't stand it here. The place, the people, the pollution, and the humidity SUCK.

I'm not being impetuous and I've been more than ready to leave (albeit not so experience-ready for it) since I was 18. I've waited 7 years for the "right" time to get out of here. (I tried once before when I was 23, and my parents decided to call me Ungrateful guilt me into staying.) I don't think I'm acting hastily and I do think I'm more than old enough.

I think they're just scared. Their little girl is going to go off to live her dreams and her life. And they will be left behind. My dad always wanted to move to Arizona when he retired. But I think he was trying to convince himself that he really couldn't. I think now he feels that if his own poor, helpless, frail, naive, stupid daughter can do it, he'll have to put his money where his mouth is and make the move himself.

Gods, is it any wonder I'm so tired all the time? This place is leeching the life right out of me.

[Melysande]

**sits in front of her altar and looks on as the candles burn low in their holders**

Great Ones, I know you seem to keep telling me that everything is going to be okay and that this is the right thing to be doing, but please..... don't let this turn out to be a mistake. I was looking tonight at job listings, and I don't qualify for very many of them at all. And as much as I adore horses, mucking their stalls and feeding them for a measley $7/hr is not my idea of a stellar career move.

I can edit. I can do graphic design. And I know I can do a bunch of other things, too (even teach--although no one would hire me because I'm not a certified teacher with a degree in education). **laughs** I can even read tarot cards (just not particularly well) for those 900-number places. Nearly wound up doing that one last time I was unemployed.

I know it's still a tad early (from my POV, anyway) to be looking for jobs to apply for, but please.... when I get there, let me find the right job for me, or at least the right full-time or part-time job until the *real* right job for me (conveniently located! No more of this Montana and Wyoming stuff, please) comes along.

[Melysande]

**sighs** I was all set this morning to decide not to go anywhere. Leave it to you to give me *literate* friends. I have no idea how the hell I'm going to pay for this. I'm going to need lots of good money in rather short order.

**shakes head slowly** Looking back on my life, it's all becoming clear that so many of the things of my life (all of the things, really, but not in ways I see at the moment) have led up to where I am now and where I'm going to be at every moment in the future (personally, not place-wise). I had to be inclined toward Witchiness so that I could find my friends. I had to be book-smart to get to this job and not have any college bills. I had to get my job at Penton to get my car, life experience, and money. I had to be unemployed for so long and friendless for so long to finally wander over to BNet one weird, jobless day, just to find all of my best friends. (That they were all in one place is still something that amazes me.) It was the loss of tika that finally made me decide to dedicate myself to this new path, and it was the loss of tika that made it possible for me have one blissful week of vacation that I couldn't have had otherwise (because the plane trip would have made him literally die of fright, so I wouldn't have gone). And it was that one week of vacation that made me want to be back there again so soon, to live there.

I can see so many possibilities open to me if I do go there. It's getting there and surviving (without racking up a huge debt) until I find a good job that has me scared silly.

This one last vacation trip in October is also very important to me. I promised to meet the rest of my friends this year, during that trip, and I don't see how I can have my cake and eat it, too. **is still pleased with herself for finally understanding what that expression means**

I'm not used to living on a lean budget, and it's not something I want to have to get used to. I *like* money. I like having it to buy the things I want without worrying so much about whether I can afford it.

Please don't let me fall flat on my face or my buttocks (or any other part of my anatomy, for that matter).

[Melysande]

**Mel is on West Beach, sitting on a high, rocky outcropping and looking down at the incoming tide as the water crashes against the rock 10 feet below her**

Doing this on occasion will be something I'll miss. It's not often that I go to the beach, but always the option is there. For the moment.

I haven't applied for that job just yet. I have to do it tonight after I pick up my pills.

It's so hard for me to focus on doing any work during the day. I just don't want to be here and doing any of it.

I'm a bit depressed that I worked so hard on putting that stuff on my DA page only to have some idiots mess it up. I just don't understand why people are like that. It was just a random attack and served no real purpose other than being something that depressed me. I'm not used to having people say things like that to me anymore. I thought I'd escaped that forever. I guess not.

Worst part is, I didn't think it was such a bad picture of me. (If it had been bad, I would never have posted it there.) All I see in it is how much I've lost. All those people see is how much I still am.

I'm trying. I really am. I don't want to be this weight forever. But I'm not out to please anyone, either. If I was officially "thin," and that dork had said something like that to a large person standing next to me, I'm be inclined to clean her clock. That's just one thing that makes me go a bit ballistic.

I guess I just feel a bit raw inside. I'm mad, I'm upset, and there's nothing I can do. Raging against her would only egg her on further. Hunting her down in person and clawing her face until I was sure she'd be scarred for life would make me feel better, but it wouldn't solve anything. She'd still be a dumbf***. Part of me wants to wish ugly children on her, so that she has to learn what it's like to comfort a loved one who has just been told the same kind of hateful things she spews. But I'd never wish that on an innocent child. I'd be better off wishing her barren.

Thinking about something I can't do anything about is counterproductive, but every time I hear something like that, all of my other memories of similar hateful things people have said to me come barging into my head just to make me miserable.

**sighs** I'm so tired. "And miles to go before I sleep....."

[Melysande]

**Mel clears off her bureau and places a large, soft green cloth over it, then places a beautiful, ornate marble statue of Ganesh in the center and a candlestick on either side. She places a small silver bowl in front of the statue and a cone of rain incense on a brass lotus blossom incense burner, lights the candles and the incense, kneels in front of the impromptu altar and calms her thoughts for a moment before whispering a prayer**

Lord Ganesh, I'm not one of your children, but one who *is* needs your help. And since she's a dear friend of mine, I thought it would be okay to ask you. I know she asked for patience, but I'd ask you to help remove the obstacles in her path, too.... by whatever beneficial means you can: be it money, incredibly lucky opportunities, or the sudden blossoming of good conscience, ethics, morality and responsibility in those who have caused her grief.

**Mel pours some milk from a nearby pitcher into the bowl and, using a silver spoon, lifts some of the milk to Ganesh's trunk reverently**

Namasté.

**For a time, she sits there and thinks good thoughts for her sister. Then she nods in gratitude to the the great god for listening to her prayer and rises from the floor to exit the room.**

[Melysande]

**sits before her own altar with its candles, chalices, feather pen, picture of tika in a heart frame, and statue of Aset with outstretched wings and smiling tenderly**

I finally made it home. My commute was terrible. Lots of idiots on the road tonight that I had to watch out for. Had leftover Chinese for dinner. I just finished. Today has been a very trying day. I was really expecting that my parents would notice my bad mood and therefore seize on the opportunity to make life more unpleasant. I'm grateful that this wasn't the case, for once.

**closes eyes and breathes a deep, weary sigh**

I am so tired. Tired of work. Tired of home. Tired of this daily routine that *never* changes. I don't know exactly what I want, but what ever it is, this **gestures around her room vaguely** isn't it.

**presses her palms gently against her closed eyelids for a moment to ease the strain on them, then yawns** I should go to bed now, get this dumb day over with and bring me closer to the weekend.

**briefly grasps the shoulder of the Aset statue gently with her thumb and forefinger**

Thanks for the ear-time, Lady.

Senebty...

[Melysande]

Thank you for white chocolate raspberry yogurt. Thank you for Vanilla Coke. Thank you for not letting me get stung in the middle of the night when that wasp landed on my hand, and thank you for letting the spider behind my bureau catch it. Thank you for the little sparrow that has taken to roosting on my window sill beside the air conditioner, even if it did give me the wiggins to hear feathers ruffling in the morning and beak on metal bars (made me think I was having a hallucination of tika).

So... here's hoping the rest of the day is quiet. And here's hoping a have a good Thursday meeting with my boss. (This meeting is the reason I despise Thursdays.)

[Melysande]

**Mel places her Ma'at statue (the one she got for her birthday) on the altar, pours a glass of clean, cool water in the chalice and puts some cheddar cheese and fruit on the offering plate. Then she lights a blue stick of Rain incense and lights the three candles. After a moment, she places a pinch of the salt and baking soda mixture (from her scallop shell dish) on her tongue, and offers up a whispered prayer**

Ma'at, Lady of Order and Balance... I know it was no coincidence that you came in that box instead of Aset. At the time, though, I thought it was just You promising me that soon my somewhat skewed life would be brought back into balance. But now, from the things I've read and other little reminders of Your presence, I'm beginning to wonder if You have a deeper plan in mind for me. I just want You to know, I'll be listening for whatever cues and clues You might give.

Dua, Ma'at. Senebty.

[Melysande]

**places a printout of her brother's little boy on her altar, beneath the loving arms and nurturing wings of Aset, and lights a small, pale blue candle for him**

Lady, protect this child and nurture him as did for your own divine child. Grant him the best life and living conditions possible for him, wherever and with whomever it is right for him to be.

[Melysande]

Yeah, I guess that works well enough. **bemused smile**

But if she has just one more hairbrained scheme that could bring him to harm, please smite her six ways from Sunday.

[Melysande]

It's been a weird day, Great Ones. Let tomorrow be better.

I'm grateful that the meeting this morning was short and painless. (I always anticipate the worst.)

I'm grateful that there seem to be jobs in Colorado that I can do. I'd also like to have a giftbasket business on the side. I think I'd be good at it, and it seems like it would be relaxing.

I hope You'll help me keep a civil tongue in my head when dealing with problems in the future.

I hope I'll find some nice Coloradian man to fall in love with and spend the rest of my life with.

I hope for children, and for a new feathered child, when the time is right.

I'm grateful that tomorrow is Friday again.

[Melysande]

Thank you, Great Ones. I feel like a 50-lb bag has just been lifted off of my shoulders. Granted, I still feel the other 50-lb bag that rests there, but I'm feeling much better now. And soon, that one will be gone, too, for better or worse.

Grant special blessings to all of my friends who need them, and grant great luck and good fortune to Papa in his new business.

Somehow help put out the fires in Oregon, and wherever else is having conflagration troubles.

**places an orange on the offering plate, and pours sparkling grape juice into the chalice**

Senebty.

[Melysande]

**sighs glumly** I spoke too soon. I felt so much better knownig that both parents had been informed. And then I talked to them for about four hours, and by the end, I was convinced that I should stay and just get a different job and/or go back to school for a different degree. They said that it was the most logical thing to do and that I should just be content to visit my friends on vacations.

And now I've spent almost three hours talking with my friends and I'm back to being as confused as ever.

I'm scared to death that my car's going to break down on the way there and that the problem will be unfixable (or else that I'll have to pay through the nose to get it fixed). And I'm frightened that no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to find a job (any job) and that I'm not going to be able to pay my share of the expenses.

I want so badly to believe that my friends really do care for me as much as I do about them, and that they won't let me fall and that they won't get tired of having me around. But my parents keep saying I should forget all about email correspondences because they don't mean anything and that technically, I've only known them for a week, not a year and a half (or a few lifetimes, for that matter).

To my dad's credit, he didn't call me a "f***ing idiot," but he made it plain that he thinks I'd be making the biggest mistake of my life by going there.

Having no money and no health insurance and no job terrifies me.

Gods, I've been stressing so much lately that I've gained probably eight pounds this weekend, as well as giving myself a lovely breakout. I have a painful pimple on the side of my nose.... it goes nicely with the three on each cheek. **crosses the room to grab one of her prescription acne pills, which she wouldn't be able to afford without health insurance... takes a couple Rolaids, for good measure**

As to a job in law enforcement... It sounded like a good idea in theory, but my dad says that I don't have the right mentality for it. He's probably right.

Most of me still wants to go to Colorado, but the frightened me that tries to live logically and without taking risks says I should just change jobs, go back to school to become a teacher, and then move out to the middle of Massachusetts (which is actually quite lovely and nowhere near Boston) and have off on all of the kids' vacations. **sighs** As much as I think teachers are crazy, I have to admit, I'm probably nuts enough to make a very good 1st-3rd grade teacher. I'd even get recess and reading time again.

I've got so much stuff to think about over the next few days.

The only thing I know for sure is that I want out of this current job. The sooner, the better, because every day, I care less and less about that place. And it's really coming across in my work ethic and my attitude.

Anything that gets me out of high-tech editing and away from Boston will make me happier. Anything that lets me make enough money (and still enjoy my job) to move out of my parents' house will be a change for the better.

I just need to decide what's best for me. Great Ones, grant me some clarity, please. (A backbone might be nice, too.)

[Melysande]

**A frowning Melysande sits before her altar contemplating her fate**

Great Ones,

Please protect me. Give me family where my own has abandoned me. They say now that they will not take me back if I fail because they take it as an insult that I want to leave. They say mean, hurtful things and then they try to undermine my confidence in my future roommates.

"I can't believe it! Boy, you really are f***ing stupider than I gave you credit for! Nice to know that your 'friends' mean more to you than we do. Call before you come, because we may not be here. Your 'friends' aren't going to want you hanging around all the time, you know."

These were my own father's words to me. Not words of encouragement, or love, or support. I knew this was going to be what I got from them. **wipes away tears** That's why I dreaded telling them in the first place.

I can't ever go home, except to visit.

I can't STAY here. I can't *grow* anymore here. There's nothing left that they can teach me. I need to move on. WHY can't they realize that?

If I stay here, I will die old, and alone, because I will never find a mate while I live here. If I stay here, I will never know what it's like to be independent or what it's like to have friends to do things with. Or what it's like to live in a beautiful new place.

They said I should stay, change jobs and go back to school. But this is only a short-term fix. I don't WANT to go back to school. I don't want to be here.

And if this is the way they treat me when I tell them what I *do* want, what makes me ALIVE, then I'll just have to make up my mind to not miss them.

Just keep me from falling, please. Let me get this soaring thing down on a first try.

[Melysande]

Help me ignore the fact that my father (and possibly everyone else) is not talking to me.

Help chase away my fears.

Help me stay committed to this.

Guide me to the right job opportunities.

And may all the good luck gods be with me on the drive there and after.

I am stronger than what is/will be thrown at me this month.

I will endure the time until I find a new job.

Be with me always. I could use the companionship, the guidance and the more-than-occasional helping hand.

em maat

P.S. So I guess it's not a coincidence that the Feast of Ma'at falls on Sept. 9th*?




(*Tamerans start the new year whenever they want, so I had chosen my birthday. I'm out of sync with all of the Kemetics.)

[Melysande]

Dua, Netjeru. Dua, Hera. Dua, Sebastian. Dua, Hyllar. Dua, Akhu. **thoughts of hugs for all of You**

I don't have the words to speak to You yet in Your language, other than the small things I've picked up along the way. Even if I did, I still wouldn't be able to speak to you as eloquently as I would like. Even so, 'though my words are plain, the deep sentiments behind the words speak volumes that I'm sure You can hear.

Thank you for these wonderful people You have blessed me with. In all of my hours of loneliness in the past, I never imagined that such true friends could exist. They've all spent so much time comforting me and soothing my fears and trying to help me untangle all of the possible trouble-spots, as well as making me laugh, listening to my dreams, and sharing their lives with me. My family gave me love, but I've never had friends/soul family before to give me love, also. And it's a fabulous gift that I'm grateful for every day.

Thank you to them, too: For letting me try to realize my dreams, for being here for me whenever I need someone to talk to, for letting me spread my wings, for keeping me from becoming Walter Mitty, and for being my friends.

[Melysande]

**shakes head** He's still not talking to me. I pity him. I plan on saying hi and goodnight and being perfectly happy and normal. I'm not sorry for deciding to move, and he won't change my mind by behaving this way. I have done nothing wrong. And I will not apologize to him or give up my dreams.

[Melysande]

**pours some kiwi strawberry Snapple into her chalice and spreads cream cheese on an egg bagel and puts it on the offering plate**

I have no idea what to say. Moving out is not a crime, and yet they see it as such. My mother thinks I'm throwing my family away, and my father is a prideful, arrogant man who apparently sees fit to never speak to me again. I wish I could really stop caring as much as I pretend to not care. My mother is still talking to me, at least.

Let all of the other parts of this move go smoothly, please? Let my car make it to Colorado in one, fully functioning piece.... let the rest of the moving go well and let me find work quickly.

[Melysande]

Great Ones ~

Thank you for three things today. Thank you for letting me find my white eagle agate Pearl St. souvenir stone that I lost last week. Thank you for the chance to apply at one of my current company's clients (doing a totally different, seemingly more interesting, job). I hope they'll consider me. And than you for my dad. I'm glad he's talking to me again. I feel better now because of it.

Please.... let my car make it to Colorado without any problems (and don't let it have any once I get there, either). And please, please, please, please, let me find a good job either before I get there, or very soon after, because this anxiety is killing me.

Senebty and B*B

[Melysande]

**leaves a jewel-bright bouquet of flowers in a chilled glass bowl on the altar as an offering**

Great Ones ~

Lately, it's been all about me. But I have some favors to ask for friends, too.

Let the rest of Wanderer's stuff sell today.

Let Phoenix get transferred to Colorado soon.

Let Azure's fears go unfounded and let her not have to pay for those tests she wasn't informed of. And let her union/reunion with her love go smoothly and wonderfully.

Let Papa and his partner do well together in their new business venture.

Let Earthcup continue to do well in her new living arrangement.

Let the hopes and dreams of all on this board come true.

(And let my family cope with my move, let my car make it to Colorado, and let me find work there swiftly.)

Senebty and B*B

[Melysande]

My car goes into the shop on Tuesday. I need to clean it this weekend.

I will tell my boss next Thursday that I'm leaving for Colorado.

My dermatologist visit is Sept. 5th at 12:45.

My last day at work is Sept. 6th.

I still need to finish packing and sending things.

I still need to contact the phone company to cancel my account.

I still need to contact my ISP to cancel that service.

I still need to figure out what to do with my bank account.

I still need to write checks to pay three bills before I go.

I still need to tell my credit card company and my car insurance company that I'm moving. (And I should probably tell AAA, too.)

I still need to figure out what to do with my cell phone account.

I still need to buy an AMTRAK ticket.

I still need to make sure that everything I'm taking with me in my car will FIT in my car and in a way that will not damage either the car or the items themselves.

I still need to file all of the lose paperwork floating around my bedroom.

And let's not forget the Balancing of The Checkbook ceremony. **wrinkles nose** (I *hate* balancing my checkbook.)

Gods, grant me the patience, peace of mind, alacrity, and luck to get all of this done without any major problems.

And then help me make a graceful exit from work and from my parents' home and from this state.

Grant us good luck on the roads and keep us from all harm.

And please..... let me get a great job soon after I get there, if I can't somehow manage to be allowed to telecommute from my current job.

Let life be wonderful, and let me write cool children's books for fun.

[Melysande]

**gazes into the eyes of the gilt statue of Neb-tet**

Lady of the House, please grant us this house. It's perfect in so many ways.

[Melysande]

**looks at her altar, and at Wanderer's and at Nallia's Athena statue**

THANK YOU. **grins**


(Now.... next big worries are Getting There and Getting A Great Job.)

[Melysande]

**Lights a white and green spiral candle**

For hope and prosperity for my brother-in-soul.

[Melysande]

**happy grin**

Thanks, again.

[Melysande]

**lights her favorite incense (rain) and then lights the three candles on her altar....gazes on her beautiful Aset statue and rinses her mouth with a tiny pinch of salt before speaking what's on her mind.**

I'm so happy we got our beautiful house, and I'm glad I'm making progress toward getting there. But I still have so much to do, and I don't want to forget to do any of it. In the meantime, I'm still trying to apply for jobs there. I would really like this one I sent out today. But I saw another one, too, that I would like to apply for (at a private school in Englewood). Please, even if I don't get these jobs, look out for me. There are so many things we need to buy for that house, and so many bills we'll need to pay, I really need to find a job as soon as I can. I know I sound like a broken record and you're probably tired of hearing from me, but you know what they say about the squeaky wheel.... So, here's me being squeaky, round, and wheel-like.

**closes eyes and tries to think positively**

[Melysande]

**gazes on at an image of grey-eyed Athene**

Please tell me You and the rest of the gods are seeing something we're all not seeing, Lady. I truly hope there is. **worried expression** I'm glad she has friends here to help her, but this is possibly the worst time this could be happening to her. If there is nothing to be done about her father, then please, help us help her. We're all going to need it.

**moves to her one altar, hugs a tiny figurine of Athena-Nadine, and places it on her altar beneath the red, gold, blue and green feathers of Aset**

Care for her, please, while I can't be there for her.

[Melysande]

Let them all be okay. And give me the patience to keep me from strangling my own father.

[Melysande]

**sits before the altar, looking into Seshat's and Aset's and Ma'at's beautiful faces**

Great Ones, every week is getting worse. Every time I see them, all they want to do is convince me to stay. And every time I talk to them, I feel less and less desire to be anywhere near them. They don't understand why I want to move, why I want to be away from them, why I need to live my own life, why I want to be so far away from all I've ever known, and why I think I can make it when they don't think I can.

Please..... grant me the strength and the patience to deal with them for these final three weeks. And grant me the success of finding and keeping a fabulous new job that I will love and that will pay me well and that will let me prove them all wrong.

Don't let this be a mistake. It feels scary but it doesn't feel wrong. Every time I thought that I would be better off staying here, my heart and mind would scream at the top of their lungs that staying here just isn't what I need. (Even if my gut and my fear tried to convince me otherwise.)

I can do this. I *will* do this. I see so many jobs every week to apply for around the area in which I'll be living. And I can do them all. Yet here, in this state with so many jobs, there is nothing available that I'm qualified to do. I can't stay here.

It's gotten to the point where I don't want to talk to them at all because every word they say feels like poison being poured into my ear.

I'm grateful to You all and to my friends that I finally have the opportunity to leave this wretched place and have the life I want. And even if I somehow die in a car crash before I even get there, at least I'll be with tika again, and I'll know I at least *tried* to do what I wanted to do in order to grow and learn (which is the point of my *being* here). More than I can say for them. Maybe I'll be able to show them by example.

All they see in this place is that a it's gilded and comfortable cage. They don't see that, gilt and comfortable though it can be, it's still a small CAGE.

Ma'at ~ Grant me balance, please.

Aset ~ Grant me comfort and luck.

Seshat ~ I hope the story I'm creating with my life is worthy of recording on the tree of life by You, and that it's a long, wonderful life, filled with fun, love, and adventure, as well as all of the other stuff.

My parents accept that my brother is going to join the military after graduation. They think it's only natural for him to move out and move on. But they don't see it as right and natural that their 25-year-old daughter wants to move out and move on, too.

I really don't care anymore if they accept it or not. I'm going. They aren't convincing me to stay here (especially not with the way they're acting). I'm just hoping these next few weeks fly by (and that I get everything done that needs doing).

[Melysande]

**sighs and sits before the altar**

It's only 2:10, and I'm so exhausted. I've set the cancellation date on my phone and my ISP, I've paid some bills, and I brought two boxes of stuff to the Post Office. That took a lot out of me. **weary smile**

Most of the places I've been trying to get to online today haven't been working. I'm wondering if the URLs can sense me coming. Actually, I've been having similar problems on the phone, too. My ISP isn't working at the moment, even though I'm supposed to have it until the 8th. BNet wasn't working when I tried it once. DevArt hasn't been working all day long. My computer keeps needing to be rebooted here at work. AT&T's automated system was giving me the runaround. After taking PB's advice (pressing lots of 0s), I managed to get on hold, but after 10 minutes of being on hold, I gave up. I can't get in touch with my mechanic to pay him. I've been calling all day, but he never picks up, so I can't give him my credit card info or schedule the appointment to get my AC fixed. And I'm waiting to see if my bank gives me anything in the mail today about paying off my car loan. (I'm hoping they'll just mail it to me, rather than making me track it down myself now that the loan is paid off.)

And it just doesn't seem to end. My parents are pains in the duff. I'm still worried about Athena. I'm annoyed that PB's "problem" (the She-Beast from Hell) is giving him (and Wanderer) so much grief. And I still have a lot of other junk to do that I thought of, but it's all on my DevArt journal so I can't go get it for a refresher of what I'm supposed to be doing at the moment because the site is down.

I'm tired. I just want to go to sleep. And, I'm sure I'll look back on this and ask myself "What were you *thinking*???", but I hope winter gets here soon. I hate this hot, humid weather. **yawns hugely** I just want to hibernate right now. My floor here at work is looking awfully comfy.

Let the rest of this day go much smoother, please.

On the flipside, so you don't think all I do is complain . . . **grins**

I'm grateful that MW is still working. And I'm grateful that there are jobs I can apply for. I'm grateful for my friends. And I'm grateful for the heart-gladdening PMs people have sent me. I'm grateful for only having 28 days to go until I'm in my lovely new home with two of my closest friends (and a bunch of cool cats). I'm grateful that, even though it doesn't quite feel like it, my list of stuff to do is getting shorter. I'm grateful that I don't have so much stuff to pack.

[Melysande]

**leaves a freshly cooked goose and a whole prime rib roast for Sobek**

You more than deserve my thanks for that fast and efficient work. Dua, Sobek! **grins and marvels**

[Melysande]

Thank you. Glad that particular fish got away. :)

[Melysande]

Thank you for giving me the words to pick my Egyptian name. I like it very much. It suits me. (I like every name I pick for myself, but this one's fun to say.)

I'm a little bummed that today has gone the way it has, so far, but I guess it only teaches me to appreciate the better days more.

I'm glad it's a quiet day at work and that I have a yummy seafood salad sandwich for lunch.

I'm grateful for all of the wonderful Crafty craft ideas that keep popping into my head. I'm going to have to sketch some of them out so that I can have them for reference when I go to make them.

I'm grateful for the jobs available that look so inviting. (Unlike here in MA, where there is nothing that looks like enjoyable work.)

**arranges exotic flowers in a vase for the altar while singing some distinctly Pagan songs**

[Melysande]

Please, grant that this hip pain goes away soon and that it won't require that I see a chiropractor. I hate going there.

[Melysande]

**smiles sheepishly at her last post** Silly request, that was. Great Ones, thank you for the competence and efficiency of my chiropractor. I feel MUCH better now. (Especially after lying down for an hour after my adjustment.) **smiles** I hope You'll either grant me no more back problems, ever, or else an equally competent and accommodating chiropractor in my new home.

[Melysande]

**It's a cool, blustery, gray day, and Melysande sits before her altar, a heating pad on her hip and back. She lights the candles and some incense and leaves an egg bagel with harvest vegetable cream cheese on the offering plate and pours a can of cold orange juice into the chalice.**

Great Ones,

As I sit here reflecting on You and on my current back problems (because I still hurt, even though not quite as bad as on Wednesday) it occurs to me that this may be Your way of telling me 1. don't move boxes, 2. ask for help, and 3. get back to losing weight again.

And 4., start creating more goals for myself.

(Yes. I'm trying very hard to make some small good come out of my discomfort.)

Well, last week I was 253 lbs. again. But this week I'm 249lbs. Now, if I can just manage to start losing weight again, I'll be all set. I never had back problems before I weighed more than 200 lbs. I kind of gave up on dieting a couple weeks before my trip to Colorado over the summer. I just got so sick of trying to watch everything I ate. Plus, it was difficult to find time to exercise because I got home so late and because my dad was always wondering what noises I was making in my room when I was doing sit-ups or dancing. **sighs, removes the heating pad and props a can of cold soda against her back (because there's no ice)**

In conjunction with the goal of just starting to watch what I eat again and starting to exercise again (once I get out there or once my back is back to normal, whichever comes first), I would like to lose 50 lbs. by March 1, making me 199 lbs (which I haven't weighed since 11th grade). I think this is a reasonable goal, seeing as I definitely won't see my 230 lb. goal by October 31. I just have to remember that this weight didn't come on overnight and that it won't come off that way, either.

As to my other goals..... The obvious goals so far are: getting everything on my list done before I move; having a reasonably good time in New York; getting back to Massachusetts safely; getting seafood before we go and seeing the beach one last time before we go (because I still need sand for Wanderer's brother and because it will be a long while before I see the ocean again in person); getting to Colorado with all of us and all of our belongings intact; getting a bed; getting a job; getting DSL and Cable (or Digital or whatever); decorating the house beautifully, writing more on a couple of my story ideas for young adults' and children's literature; making crafts to stockpile for our store; visiting my family for the holidays; living more openly magickally and spiritually; and having fun hanging out with my heart-sisters.

**smiles** I usually wait until Samhain before coming up with new goals, but I wanted to write them now, instead.

**changes back to the heating pad**

[Melysande]

Well... my back and hip *were* back in place yesterday. Would it be too much trouble to ask You to let it STAY the right way next time, please?

[Melysande]

I'm grateful that my keyboard still works properly after I gave it an inadvertent bath yesterday.

I'm grateful that I got another good night's sleep, even if I *am* still stiff, sore, and out this morning. **grumbles about her dumb hip**

I'm grateful that I have today off to wash and put away the rest of my clothes and clean the inside of my car.

I'm grateful that I left my HP tapes out when I was packing, because now I have nothing left to be entertained by.

I'm grateful that I have two more boxes I can fill with stuff to mail to the new address.

I'm grateful that Wanderer and Nallia have moved this weekend. Can hardly wait to move there myself.

I'm grateful that this is my last full week of work and that next week I only work for three days.

I'm grateful that some company was interested in Nallia's resume. Hope she gets the job. (Now....if only *I* can get a job quickly, too.)

I'm grateful that my parents are finally accepting that I'm going.

I'm grateful that there's not too much left to do.

I need to finish washing clothes and putting them away (today); find boxes and pack the clothes and all of my other stuff in them (this week); apply for jobs (all the time); clean my car, inside (today) and out- (next weekend); bring the boxes at work to the Post Office (maybe tomorrow, depending on how I feel); mail stuff to two friends I've been promising to send stuff to since I got back from Colorado in June (sometime this week); contact City Hall about getting an extra social security card and an extra birth certificate (Monday, because I'd like to be able to get them on the 5th); bring my car to York Ford to get my recalls fixed for free (tomorrow); bring my car to my mechanic to get my AC fixed (and that dangling metal guard needs to be fixed, too) (Wednesday); get a moving kit from the Post Office (tomorrow or sometime this week); cancel my AT&T long distance (tomorrow); close a credit union thing that only has $41 in it (got it when trying to get my car loan, but that place didn't pan out) (next Saturday); cash the bond in my desk drawer (next Saturday); bring my coins to the CoinStar machine (next Saturday or Sunday); put all of my savings into my checkbook (next Saturday or Sunday); balance my checkbook (next Saturday or Sunday); figure out what to do with my cell phone (probably hold onto it for a month then cancel and get a new plan); pack my broom and wand when no one is looking (next weekend); put all of my boxes into my car and bring them all to the Post Office in my city (rather than Boston) to mail them (on the 5th); get sand for Wanderer's brother (on Saturday the 6th).

And, if I need to, go for a final adjustment at the chiropractor. :rolleyes:

Then all I need to do is make sure that everything that is going with me in my car is ready to just scoop and put into the car when I get back, do some ritual work, and worry about what I'm bringing with me to New York and on the trip back to Colorado.

[Melysande]

**sighs heavily** Every time I think my parents are finally accepting that I'm going and that I have some clue what I'd doing, they go and ask 90 million personal questions that aren't their business.

"So, since Athena gets the larger room and the bathroom, how much more is she paying?"

"So, are you all going to have communal meals or do your own thing or take turns?"

"So, how do you know there's a basement? I didn't see a basement listed on the website. Maybe your friends lied."

"Why didn't you tell us sooner? Your Aunt Joan could have driven out there with you on her way to Nevada."

"I don't think I could leave the ocean. The mountains hold no interest for me. What are you going to do there? Gonna learn to ski? If you do, better make sure you have medical insurance first."

"So, any more people interested in your resume? Ever hear back from those animal hospital people? Of course not. **disapproving look**"

On and on and on. I just ate as quickly as I could and left the table.

Ugh. Time for positive thinking.

I see my back getting better soon, and I see me getting all of the rest of my stuff packed and my car fixed and my errands run. I see me conducting ritual that last weekend that I'm at home. I see me getting up and getting ready Monday morning on the 9th and getting my butt over to South Station and onto my train. I see me relaxing and enjoying my trainride and getting off at the station in NY and meeting up with Wanderer and Nallia. I see us having an enjoyable time together and bearing witness to the 9/11 anniversary. I see us driving back home safely and quickly (and without having to deal with bad traffic). I see us getting here, packing my stuff into my car (and maybe into Wanderer's, too), and then driving off to get seafood (wish Charlies' had a place to sit inside, besides that dumb little shelf). And I see us driving off across the country without any difficulties. I see us all arriving home and savoring the triumph. I see me getting a bed soon thereafter. I see me applying for many jobs, getting several interviews, and actually getting an AWESOME job within a month after I get there. And I see myself loving that job, and my life, and my friends, and writing a bit, and making cool crafts for the Three Sistersa project. I see us having a wonderful Thanksgiving and a great bunch of winter holidays. I see myself visiting my parents (probably in time for my mother's birthday), and I see my whole family commenting on how well my new life and my new state are looking on me. I see myself eventually finding a great Coloradan guy of my own, too.

**touches Aset's wingtip and looks entreatingly into her eyes** Please keep me safe and grant me success.

[Melysande]

**sighs** Ma'at, please let the police catch the moron who spraypainted swear words all over my neighbor's vehicle last night while we all slept.

I'm grateful that I will be moving away from quite so many idiots. And I'm grateful that they only targeted that one car. I overheard the neighbors talking about how they think it was the same person who tried to BB their house a few months ago. (I don't remember that happening, and I'm kinda glad I don't.)

I'm grateful that there's nothing really pressing to do at work because, boy, am I tired. I've been up since the police got there at about 3:30.

I'm grateful that my car goes in to have those recalls repaired today. Hopefully, they'll somehow reattach the metal plate that is dangling underneath my car, too. Cheaply but effectively.

I'm glad that nearly all of my clothes are washed and dried and put away. Now if only I can find enough boxes for all of this stuff. . .

I've got just about everything that isn't clothes packed and ready to send.

I'm grateful that there are only two weeks left before I stop living here. Help me find a job quickly once I'm there, please.

I'm grateful for all of the weight I've lost so far. Please grant me the strength of will to start losing weight and exercising again. (Oh, and if you could keep my back in place so that I'm not in agony when I exercise, that'd be good, too.)

I'm grateful for my friends. I'm grateful for my family. I'm grateful for this opportunity to grow and learn. I'm grateful that there are only four days left of this week. I'm grateful that I will be able to go to bed again in 15 hours or so. **smiles tiredly**

[Melysande]

**arranges a large bouquet of flowers on her altar.... pale yellow roses, lilacs, jasmine, and two varieties of bleeding heart (white and pink)**

No clue what the "official" meanings of those flowers are, but You know what my meanings for them are, anyway. . .

Senebty

[Melysande]

Great Ones ~

Give Wanderer a safe journey to and from her love and give her the wonderful respite she so richly deserves and needs.

Grant Nallia a newer, better job that she will love and not work herself to the bone at.

Let Azure and her love be together again soon, and give her a wonderful new job. She deserves better.

Give aid to the one mol petitioned help for.

Let Feathers get the transfer he wants and give his son a good life somehow.

~*~*~*~*~

I need to finish washing clothes and putting them away (this weekend); find boxes and pack the clothes and all of my other stuff in them (this weekend); clean my car, inside and out- (this weekend; bring the boxes at work to the Post Office (Thursday, no matter what); mail stuff to two friends I've been promising to send stuff to since I got back from Colorado in June (Friday); get a moving kit from the Post Office (Friday); close a credit union thing that only has $41 in it (Saturday); cash the bond in my desk drawer (Saturday); bring my coins to the CoinStar machine (Sunday); put all of my savings into my checkbook (Saturday); balance my checkbook (Sunday); figure out what to do with my cell phone (probably hold onto it for a month then cancel and get a new plan); pack my broom when no one is looking (next weekend); put all of my boxes into my car and bring them all to the Post Office in my city (rather than Boston) to mail them (on the 5th); go to the Social Security office to deliver a form and show my ID (on the 5th); and get sand for Wanderer's brother (on the 6th).

Then all I need to do is make sure that everything that is going with me in my car is ready to just scoop and put into the car when I get back, do some ritual work, and worry about what I'm bringing with me to New York and on the trip back to Colorado.


**breathes a sigh of relief** The list continues to get shorter.... slowly but surely. This is a good thing, because time is really running out for me to get everything done.

[Melysande]

**sits before her altar and just breathes for awhile. Calmly, slowly, deeply.**

I just can't seem to focus on the work I have to do today. I just *don't* want to do any of it today, and I know I have to. I despise doing vendor profiles.

I look ahead at what I'll be doing for work afterward, and I just wonder what I'll find. Before, my tarot cards kept telling me that I was supposed to move. Just go for it and do it. Now, they keep telling this is a time of a mini rest and a new beginning and that the seeds I plant now will need to be nurtured so that they will mature and be bountiful in time. Like I didn't already know that.

**shrugs** What will happen will happen, I guess. My most important worries right now are getting everything packed and shipped, getting on the train to NY, and then driving to Colorado. Then I can worry about everything else.

Ugh. My mom is actually jealous of Wanderer's family because they'll see me more than she will. I feel like I'm being smothered in a constrictive embrace every time I think of it. Makes me feel like squirming, like a cat that hates to be hugged.

Whatever I end up doing out there for work, I hope I can do something involving either horses or birds as either a volunteer thing or else as a part- or full-time job. And I want to be able to make crafts in the evenings and on weekends. And do some writing, too.

[Melysande]

I'ved shortened my To Do list still further. W00t! Thank you, Great Ones for letting me get all of that stuff to the Post Office today with the help of the dolly (even if I did get thoroughly soaked) and without letting me get any more back pain.

Here's what's left now....

1. Finish washing clothes and putting them away (this weekend)

2. Pack the clothes and all of my other stuff (this weekend)

3. Clean my car, inside and out- (this weekend)

4. Mail stuff to Azure (Friday)

5. Close a credit union thing that only has $41 in it (Saturday)

6. Cash the bond in my desk drawer (Saturday)

7. Bring my coins to the CoinStar machine (Sunday)

8. Put all of my savings into my checkbook (Saturday)

9. Balance my checkbook (Sunday)

10. Figure out what to do with my cell phone (probably hold onto it for a month then cancel and get a new plan)

11. Pack my broom when no one is looking (next weekend)

12. Put all of my boxes into my car and bring them all to the Post Office in my city (rather than Boston) to mail them (on the 5th)

13. Go to the Social Security office to deliver a form and show my ID (on the 5th)

14. Get sand for Wanderer's brother (on the 6th)

15. Make sure that everything that is going with me in my car is ready to just scoop and put into the car when I get back

16. Do some ritual work

17. Be with my family

18. Worry about what I'm bringing with me to New York and on the trip back to Colorado.

19. Survive the trips to New York and Colorado.

20. Find a job. :)

21. Live Happily Ever After.

[Melysande]

Tired.

My room has an echo now that it hasn't had since the first time I was ever in it. . . in 1990.

It's about time I moved. Even my bed is dead now. My back is back in place but that mattress is totally killing me. I can see the sag in it from here across the room.

So far, I have 15 boxes to bring to the Post Office. Not sure how many more boxes I'll need. I've got a couple loads of laundry downstairs that will need at least two boxes. And I have several blankets and comforters and sheets I'd like to bring with me, too. (I know they won't fit my bed, but I'll be grateful for them in the winter if our power goes out.) And I have to go around the house and gather up everything else I'd like to bring with me (like special spices, special sushi rice, shampoo and soap and other toiletries).

Old Witch's idea for a natural rock pentacle was awesome. I made one for myself today out of a piece of flagstone left over from when my dad was trying to put a pond in the backyard. It's roughly triangular and it's got a glittery gold pentacle on the left, a shallow depression on the right for holding things, and a raised area directly forward that would be good for holding a candle or a small statue. I like it. :)

I also grabbed a rock from where tika is buried. I wanted a piece of that spot for my altar. I put another rock in its place. I never did plant anything there. **twinge of guilt** But tika would be just as happy seeing a small memorial garden in Colorado as he would here. He liked roses and marigolds and violas. He thought they tasted good. **small smile**

I was pleasantly surprised today to find out that a flower I'd dried was full of seeds. I didn't realize at the time that it was that kind of flower, so I was bummed when I tried to pick it up and it started falling apart, until I realized why. I'm going to be able to grow beautiful large red-orange-gold flowers some day.

1. Pack the clothes and all of my other stuff (as soon as I get more boxes)

2. Clean my car, inside and out- (Sunday morning)

3. Mail belated gift (Tuesday)

4. Close a credit union thing that only has $41 in it (call them Tuesday)

5. Cash the bond in my desk drawer (Sunday)

6. Put most of my savings into my checkbook (Sunday)

7. Balance my checkbook (Sunday)

8. Pack my broom when no one is looking (Whenever mom goes grocery shopping)

9. Put all of my boxes into my car and bring them all to the Post Office (on the 5th)

10. Go to the Social Security office to deliver a form and show my ID (on the 5th)

11. Get sand for Wanderer's brother (on the 6th)

12. Make sure that everything that is going with me in my car is ready to just scoop and put into the car when I get back

13. Do some ritual work

14. Be with my family

15. Worry about what I'm bringing with me to New York and on the trip back to Colorado.

16. Survive the trips to New York and Colorado.

17. Find a job.

18. Live Happily Ever After.


Can't wait until the last three are all that's left on my list. :D Only three days left of work. W00t! Then I'm free.

[Melysande]

I've already packed my altar things, so now, the only altars I have are here online and in my own head. Aset is ready for Her trip, nice and neatly packed away in the box She came in.

I've done the whole bank thing today, too, and went grocery shopping. I even remembered to get some strawberry scented spray for my car. (Last time, I had vanilla, but my mechanic saw fit to use the rest of it in another car for some weird RUDE reason.)

My parents are still sad that I'm going but, dua Neteru, they're finally accepting it calmly. Hell, dad even said he hopes to retire in eight years and that they may even move to Colorado if I'm still out there. They're welcome to. It's a big enough state for all of us. :)

I hope I get settled quickly and that life is calm and wonderful for all of us. I hope I find love (and lust would be nice, too..... when the time is right), and that I eventually have a new familiar, and I hope that our business idea becomes a very successful, fun, challenging and rewarding reality.

Thanks again for my sisters (and for my pain-in-the-butt-yet-very-lovable twin brother, too). They've been so kind and generous and wonderful. And inordinately patient with me (most of the time ;) ). I can't wait to see them again.

[Melysande]

**sits in her computer chair in her room, enjoying the cool morning air and the sound of the rain falling outside**

Hard to believe that three years ago on this day it was hot and sunny and just a lovely Labor Day. We didn't do anything special that day. I was bored and I'd only gotten an Internet connection a couple weeks before then, so playing online was still new and fun. I was poking around in Yahoo! Games in the checkers rooms, and I got an invite to play a game. I turned him down at first, then changed my mind when he asked if I was sure. I spent eight hours playing checkers and chatting with this total stranger. He seemed to be kind of crude and less educated than I was, but he was still enjoyable to talk to. And after that day, we talked a lot. He thought I was attractive, and he was the first guy to ever tell me so. **shrugs** For a time, I fancied I'd fallen in love with him, even if he was a sleaze. Love is blind, after all, so I overlooked all of his many faults until they just became so big that even I couldn't ignore them. I lost a degree of innocence by talking to him, and sometimes I regret that, but all in all, my talking to him was a good thing, in its way. For more than a year, he was the only thing like a friend that I had. So, I'm grateful to him for what small measure of comfort he gave me then. And it was by talking to him that I learned that people online aren't all the vilest people on the planet. So when I was unemployed and I wandered over to BNet, I was ready to receive the love and support of the people who eventually became my closest friends. Do I still talk to that Yahoo! friend? **shakes head** No. He really wasn't anything I would call a friend, if I measure him against real friends. But he served a purpose, anyway. And at least now I can see why he came into my life. A small mystery solved.

Kids go back to school this week around here. The scent of autumn is definitely in the air, and the weather pattern has already made its shift from sunny summer to rainy fall. I can't believe I'm still adhering to this particular season of change. At my last job I was laid off on August 30th, and starting on a new part of my life. And at this job, I'm done as of the 6th and starting a new part of my life. I wonder why that is. What makes fall such a good time for making major life changes?

From what I had heard, Colorado isn't expecting much, if any, snow. But now my dad says they're expecting a LOT of snow there. Wonder who will be right? **shrugs** I'll find out soon enough, I suppose.

It still doesn't feel like a year has passed since last September. I've been wishing away the time so hard and for so long that now that I'm at the time when I want to be, I wonder where the rest of the year went. I'm glad I don't feel the awful restlessness I felt last year, though. At least now, I'm doing something that I want to be doing. Where it will lead me, I haven't a clue. But whatever it is, I will either be successful or I will be....successful. **grins** Me, determined? Whatever gave you that idea?

[Melysande]

Update, while I still have an Internet connection with which to do so..... Here's what's left for me to do:

1. Mail belated gift (Thursday)

2. Close a credit union thing that only has $41 in it (Saturday)

3. Pack my broom when no one is looking (Thursday)

4. Go to the Social Security office to deliver a form and show my ID (Thursday)

5. Get sand for Wanderer's brother (on the Thursday)

6. Make sure that everything that is going with me in my car is ready to just scoop and put into the car when I get back (Thursday and Saturday & Sunday)

7. Do some ritual work

8. Be with my family

9. Worry about what I'm bringing with me to New York and on the trip back to Colorado. (Saturday & Sunday)

10. Survive the trips to New York and Colorado.

11. Find a job.

12. Live Happily Ever After.


Not much left to do. :) I'm glad. It's been a rather draining month.

**places a small turquoise faience statue of Heru in full falcon form on her online altar and rubs a bit of orchid essential oil on it with a fingertip** Please, protect me, guide me and teach me to be as brave and victorious and wise as You are.

**pulls an old, golden yellow beaded cross from a fold in her robes and contemplates it....** This hasn't surfaced in my memory in a long time, but I made it when I was only about 12 years old. It's been a long time since I addressed a Christian deity. But it's appropriate to do so now, as she is one of Yours. End her pain, please? End her suffering and release her family from this torment. The grief will be strong and painful, but there will be relief, too, that she's better. **places the cross on her altar next to a teal-colored bowl of marigolds and speaks to the woman she only saw briefly in person, but talks to daily in the body of her granddaughter**

Lady, I thank you for your part in the creation of my heart sister.
I thank you for her existence and for her spirit and for the way you helped mold her personality so that she is the way she is. I hope you'll release your hold on this life soon, rather than having one foot in each world, and that you will be joyfully greeted by all of your loved ones and that you are made whole and lucid again. Know that you're always welcome in our home and that I hope you'll visit Katy frequently in dreams and that you'll be able to soothe her heartsickness. I hope you'll be able to help your children get through the difficult times ahead of them, too.

[Melysande]

1. Mail belated gift (Friday)

2. Close a credit union thing that only has $41 in it (Saturday)

3. Make sure that everything that is going with me in my car is ready to just scoop and put into the car when I get back (Saturday & Sunday)

4. Do some ritual work

5. Be with my family

6. Worry about what I'm bringing with me to New York and on the trip back to Colorado. (Saturday & Sunday)

7. Survive the trips to New York and Colorado.

8. Find a job.

9. Live Happily Ever After.

**yawns** Very tired. Productive day, but the exertion has tuckered me out. I went to a doctor's appointment, got a map book, gathered sand at the beach, and brought several boxes to the Post Office today.

My bedroom is so empty. I can feel the way the energy is flowing differently in here now. Much less sluggish.

I think this is the last night I have my ISP account. So I may not be able to get online tomorrow morning or evening at home. And I know I don't have it as of Saturday. :( Gods, more than a week without any kind of Internet connection. That's just brutal.

Thank You all for a better night's sleep last night. Glad I had peaceful dreams.

[Melysande]

Here's me cheating:

1. Find a job.

2. Live Happily Ever After.

**grins** Had to do that now. I won't be able to be online after today.

It's my last day at AMR. I'm glad. It was the best of jobs and the worst of jobs. It gave me money to do the things I'm doing now. It gave me experience. It taught me how to use Dreamweaver and Photoshop. For this I'm grateful. It let me feel bored and dissatisfied. It kept me away from my bird for far too many precious hours. It made me feel resentful and in desperate need of a change. And for that, too, I'm grateful.

May this next chapter of my life bring a multitude of joys along with valuable (and hopefully pleasant) life lessons.

[Melysande]

And so it ends.

It was a good day.

Here's to new beginnings. . .

[Melysande]

**lights a candle**

Grant safe passage for my sister Nallia on her flight today.

Grant peace to the Wagers family.

Let PB get transferred to Colorado for Wanderer's sake.

Let Azure and her love be together and have good jobs.

Let the next two weeks go smoothly for me.

Let me find work soon after I get there.

B*B and snbty

[Melysande]

**sits near te communal altar in her new home and is happy**

Thank you, Great Ones....

...for letting the trip to New York be fun.
...for letting Nallia and me get to Colorado safely.
...for letting us be here to comfort Wanderer.
...for letting Wanderer's grandma finally br free of pain.
...for letting my brother-n-soul visit us, however briefly.
...for letting me adjust to this place without too much difficulty.
...for the many jobs I can apply for (especially that one for today).
...for the friends I still haven't met in person.
...for my soul family.
...for my beautiful, peaceful, wonderful new home.
...for the love and acceptance of my family back in Massachusetts.
...for courage and love and support.. oh yeah, and for tons of good luck.

[Melysande]

Great Ones,

I didn't sleep at all last night, so please grant me the presence of mind to not get into any accidents on the roads to and from work. Grant me patience and happiness when being with the children today, as I know what a foul-tempered beast I am when I'm overly tired, and they really don't deserve that. Grant me another really good day at work, please. And then grant me a long period of restful sleep tonight, free from stomach troubles, worries, noise, and lights.

[Melysande]

Thank you for that.


And thank you for helping me finally find out where Castle Rock's Police Dept is located so I can get my fingerprints taken for tomorrow.

Thank you for another couple good days at work. I like it there. The kids really seem to like me, even when they're having a bad day. My coworkers and bosses seem to like me, too. I'm glad. I hope I can afford to stay there, and without needing a second job. They all keep saying that I'm really good with the kids and that my technique is good and that as soon as I start reading about the different methodologies and choosing which one I want to use, I'll be all set. I'm not exactly sure what a teaching methodology is, but I'm sure I'll learn. As soon as we get settled here in this house (with everyone doing work that makes them happy), I think I want to start taking classes. The Center will reimburse me for the classes I take, and I'll get pay raises for it, too.

Thank you for letting me finally fit a size 22 comfortably again. I'm hoping to be a size 20 by Solstice and maybe an 18 by May. (Being in an 18 would put me under 200 lbs.) My goal for next Samhain is to be in a size 16. I refuse to be smaller than that. If people don't like me at that weight, they can go take a long walk off a short pier. (Hell, they can do that now, too, for all I care.)

I also want to get back to reading all of my books. I left off on one of my DS9 books. I need to start reading them again, now that I have time in the evenings. I want to devote my lunch hour to reading more of the stuff in our staff library, just so I can get some semblance of a clue.

I'm going to need to schedule an appointment with a physician out here to have a physical so that I can get on the Center's health insurance plan. I also have paperwork I need to fill out for AMR. It all just came in the mail a couple days ago, so I'll try to get to that this weekend.

I need to go to Walgreens on Friday to refill my BCP Rx, too, seeing as I may not have time to do so over the weekend.

I get to see horsies and kitties this weekend. Weeeee!!!! How's that for getting into Kiddie mode? "Horsies." Oy. I had to stop myself last night from calling Katy "Miss Katy" last night when I was chatting with Don because I'm so used to the Center's way of calling all the kids Miss Wendy and Mister Doug and stuff like that.

[Melysande]

Thank you for the horses, the cows, the goat, and the kittens. (And seeing buffalo was kinda neat, too.) Thank you for letting me be able to sleep while I was there. I have trouble sleeping in most places that aren't home. My hip is out...again. (Only slightly right now, but one odd move could put it into place or knock it further out of place.) Help...?

I'm still not sure that this is the right job for me. If there is something out there that is truly perfect for me, please let me find it and know that I've found it. Wanderer and Nallia said that there is no job out there that will make me happy every day. But that's not quite true. My job at Penton made me happy for all but two days that I was there. After the way the kids were acting on Friday, I'm not entirely sure that this is the best place for me to be. Plus, there's still the money issue. Yes, it's a job, but it doesn't make me enough money to cover everything. I'd like to get a bedframe for my bed, but I can't do that before Nallia has a job. I'd like to get a newer car, too, but I don't dare do that, either, before she gets a job. I'd like to get new clothes. I'd like to get more shoes (as much as I hate shopping for them). I'd like to be able to get my physical and go to the dentist for a long-overdue cleaning. I'm not doing any of that until she gets a job. I want to be able to just write a check and pay off the large credit card bill I gave myself last month, too. But again, I can't do that until I know my money doesn't need to be diverted to more important things.

It's been just barely nine months and I still miss him so much. This past year would have been a lot easier with him still there. He was never happier than just sitting on my shoulder, preening my hair or chewing on a toothpick or else just napping there. I miss having him there to greet me in the morning with a wolf whistle and having him there to cuddle, regardless of my mood (happy or in tears). Part of me wants another bird, but part of me still wonders if it's really another bird I want or just me having a lack-of-tika pang.

I should go now. Somehow, my hour to get ready for work has turned into nine minutes.

[Melysande]

**sighs** Some days I think I should have named this thread Jenn's Thread of Demands and Please-Can-I-Haves. And I sometimes wonder if You all get sick of hearing from me so much.

Just wanted to say thank you for my roommies. I'm glad they were there to help me out tonight when my car battery was dead, and that they're willing to help me find a place to get it fixed tomorrow.

Things I want to work toward buying:

New battery for my car
Birthday gift for Jay
New(er) vehicle
Cheaper auto insurance
Bedframe with built-in drawers
Cable TV (or satellite or whatever... I just wanna be able to see the local news, damn it)
Computer chair and desk
Stuff to hang on my walls in my bedroom
A bookcase
A couple display cases for my Breyer models and all of my figurines and stuff
Plane ticket to Massachusetts to visit my family for my mom's b-day
New shoes
New clothes (in smaller sizes, eventually)
Plane ticket to Massachusetts for my brother's H.S. graduation
Plane ticket to Massachusetts for 4th of July at Aunt Debbie's house so I can see my extended family
Laptop computer
Adopt a new feathered child

Things I want to work toward achieving:

Be 175 lbs. by next Samhain
Go for walks every morning or evening
Do 150 sit-ups a day
Meditate for a half-hour each day
Learn to read hieroglyphics (and later, hieratic)
Figure out what it is that I want to be doing for work
Do whatever it is that I want to be doing for work
Read ALLLLLL of my books before I buy any new ones

[Melysande]

**sighs softly and speaks quietly and honestly to her Chosen Ones and those of her friends** You know exactly what I'm thinking and the pros and cons thereof. Not sure what Your game plan is, but I'm thinking that hesitation and delays aren't any better for gods than for people. And people definitely don't have godly patience. Please pick something so that those who need it can feel like they are being listened to and that progress is being made.

P.S. Thanks about my car. **half-smile**

[Melysande]

**frowns unhappily** I see only three ways. But none of them are acceptable. The first is abhorrent to her soul. The second is a curse to them both (but others might see it as a blessing instead), and the third is as abhorrent to him as the first is to her.

Patience is the road they have both been traveling. It's been a long, dark, lonely road, with very few bright, sunny spaces. But patience can not endure forever in those who live life with such passion and conviction.

Please let a new, far better (and much **HAPPIER** all 'round) choice emerge... and soon.

Of course, the solution I'd really like would be the one where I miraculously win 100 million dollars (from one of the old Publisher's Clearinghouse contests I entered, with no subscription necessary), so that I could tell them both to screw their jobs and live happily ever after together traveling around the world and/or relaxing in their own castle.

(Seshat, if You're listening..... this wish would be far more useful than that flood. And a lot easier to achieve. Hint, hint.)

[Melysande]

**sighs** My car's "Check Engine" light comes on intermittently. It's a pain in the rear. I told my parents about how Plourde isn't a very good mechanic, but they won't here tell of it. **shrugs** It's their own money they're wasting, not mine.

I'd really like to get a car soon, but if this current one can hold out a little while longer, I'd prefer to do that instead, just because I'm worried about my finances. I'm dreading seeing my credit card bill because I know it's going to be the largest bill I've ever given myself and I'm still not able to take care of it until after 'Thena gets her job.

The lack of a dryer is rather annoying. I hope we get it this weekend, otherwise, I'm going out to buy a new one myself and heck with the credit card bill. Drying clothes outside is fine in the summer, but it's a royal pain in the duff to have to hang clothing inside to dry. Not to mention how inconvenient it is to not be able to wash clothes in the evening without fearing that they're going to smell like mildew or something.

In many ways, this move has been the best thing in my life, but sometimes, part of me wonders if it hasn't been the worst thing, too. I miss a lot of the niceties I used to take for granted. Like chairs for the kitchen table and cable TV. And I'm also extremely worried about this job. Yeah, it's great. I have a job that brings in money, but I'm doing far more work than I really want to for such a paltry paycheck. The people there are great. It's just that the children sometimes unthinkingly say some very cruel things about me. And I know they don't mean it with quite the same viciousness that an adult would mean it, but it still hurts. I know I'm overweight and I'm working on it. It's just a slow process, and all they see is this big tub of lard. Even in Katy's picture of me and the horse, that's all I see. A mare and a huge blob. 245 is great for me (because I used to be 310 at one point), but it's still very large.

Ugh. **wry expression** Worst part is, one of the kids kept calling me a pig today (same one who mooned me), even though I'd been rather happy this morning to find out that this shirt I'm wearing actually fits properly.

**sighs** I'm also a bit depressed because I talked to my parents tonight. I love them dearly, but I dread talking to them. They keep hoping that I'll come home. They don't realize that I AM home. Even if Katy and 'Thena go away, *this* is where I want to be. Castle Rock is absolutely gorgeous. I like it here and I don't want to move back. Sure, I've only been living here for three weeks, but this is home. It *is* my Ta'Meri (Beloved Land).

My parents have said before that they hope that I succeed and that they also hope I fail. Lovely. I tried to tell my mother about the fun I had last weekend and about all of the plans I have for the holidays and random weekends here and there. But she just said I could have had the same things there.

No. I really couldn't have. I've always wanted to attend an adult Halloween costume party. I never had that at home and I never could. My family doesn't even like turning on music during gatherings. **rolls eyes** Gods forbid anyone should do anything other than listen with rapt attention to everything they're saying.

**sighs** I thought I would be able to escape the headache that is my family by moving this far away. Evidently, two time zones isn't inconvenient enough.

I'm not really looking forward to seeing them when I visit. "Don't go" isn't an option. They're still family.

I watched "What Dreams May Come" again tonight. I love that movie, but it always makes me cry all through it. It was one of the first movies I watched after tika died. It was a comfort to me. I miss him so much. I sound like a broken record, I know, but that doesn't make it any less true. He took a big part of me with him when he passed on. I'm trying not to feel any more guilt about him, but that doesn't make me miss him any less. I still feel like I'm not quite me anymore without him around in body. (I've always been a shrew, but I was a happier shrew when I knew he was there.)

Gandalf slept in my lap through most of the movie. Such a sweet little kitty. Found out that he really likes cheddar cheese. (And last night, he proved to 'Thena that he really likes oatmeal cookies, too. He's an odd child.)

Many of the kids in the school were home sick today. Fun, fun, fun. Croup is going around, as is some form of the common cold. I can't help but wonder if I wasn't the cause of the colds. I had one both days I was interviewing and the kids were constantly wanting to give me hugs and wrestle with me.

On the bright side, Corbin (the kindergarten teacher) is wicked cute. The fact that his name means Raven (and that he knew this prior to my commenting on it) is an added bonus.

The pharmacist who waited on me at Walgreens the other day was a cutie, too.

It's nearly 11 p.m. now (here, anyway). **shakes head** I have many grand schemes in my head, but somehow, by the end of the day, I never want to do any of them. And I don't even mind that I don't want to do anything. I guess that isn't so true. I *am* reading my books. It's just that it's a big history book.

I'm glad to be here in Colorado. This is where I want to be. Now, the question is, what do I really want to be doing for a living while I'm here? (More teaching, less cleaning, and more money for the work I do.)

I have to work this Saturday. Have to be there from 9 to 2 (or 3) for our Center's grand opening celebration. At least I get paid. So, for once, not being on salary works out well.

[Melysande]

**huge yawn** I'm so exhausted. I was going all day long at work (and I wasn't the only one who wanted to strangle Garrett), and then I came home, changed clothes and went out to dinner with Katy, 'Thena and Jeff, their old roommie. He's nice.

It's not even 11 and I'm debating on whether I should stay up and visit awhile longer or go to bed. On the one hand, he's a more entertaining guest than Marc (Mark? not sure how it's spelled), but on the other, I've got to be up at 7:30 so I can be at work on time.

My knees are constantly stiff from all of the kneeling, crouching, running around the playground and sitting on those damned munchkin chairs at work. I'm surprised I haven't torn any muscles. I still need to get a physical if I choose to stay with this job. I've been looking, but I still haven't seen any listings for a fantastic job.

I've really got to start going for walks in the evening. I like walking in the evening. And I don't mind doing it in the winter. I just wanted to get my body a little more used to this schedule before I try anything extra.

Don't know what I'm going to wear tomorrow. Most of my clothes are no longer clean.

**yawns again then heads back upstairs to be sociable for a few more minutes before going to sleep**

[Melysande]

. . . Melysande lights a tall blue taper candle with Nallia's name carved in a spiral on it and sits silently in prayer for her sister, her sister's father, and her sister's family.

[Melysande]

It's 1 a.m. and I can't sleep. I made out a check to pay my car insurance bill, and then I just stared at my credit card bill, wondering what I dare to pay on it. I'd love to write a check for $500 to pay for it but I can't dare pay even half that just now because of the way things are. And then I tried to go to sleep, but Fia and Ulath both chose to lie on my bed exactly where I was going to sleep. So, I thought maybe I'd try letting them sleep in my room for once. Big mistake. **scowls** Body heat hogs. They kept crowding me off the bed. Finally, I just kicked them both out of the room. But by then, I was too annoyed to sleep. Plus, it's actually rather warm in the house and I don't know how to turn down the digital heater. **curses the technology**

Now, I'm downstairs here on the computer, griping, and I'm too cold. I feel like Goldilocks. **grumbles, gets up, wraps herself in a comforter she'd brought downstairs earlier to wash, then sits down again and continues writing**

I sent my resume to King Soopers' corporate office today for a local job as a graphic artist. I'm totally qualified for the job (and then some), and the pay is $16 an hour. My job as a teaching assistant (even once I am made a teacher, which I heard through the grapevine would be by the end of next month because of the number of interested parents at Saturday's Grand Opening Celebration) just doesn't make me enough money. We can't live on happiness and I'm just too tired from this job at the end of the day to bother with a part-time job, too.

**sighs** And speaking of changing jobs, I was reminded in a dream the other night about becoming a law enforcement officer, though the gods only know why I would ever choose to go to an academy in Georgia to be an officer in Colorado.... weird dream anyway. **shakes head and rolls eyes** I'm not in good enough physical condition to apply for a job there. I'd need to have been at an appropriate weight and I'd need to have been running for awhile.

Part of me really wishes I'd stayed home, safe and sound at my boring-ass job (or else collecting unemployment again until I found new work if my company laid me off), the way my parents wanted. I think that would be the part of me that would really like to be asleep right now, rather than awake and obsessing over something I can't even change at this hour of the day.

However, we're not done-for yet. Anything worth having is worth fighting for. And my freedom (as aggravating as it's been financially and sleepwise) is definitely worth that. On the days when I haven't been worried about bills (which have actually outnumbered my sleepless nights by a goodly measure) life has been good. I've slept safe and sound in a nice big bed with my favorite color comforter, I've seen and done things I never imagined I'd ever do in my lifetime, and I've been soothed by the gorgeous countryside on my way to and fr