I was tortured in school and I have ocd

[ILOVEAUTUMNS]

I was tortured in school by peers day in and day out...
if anyone wanted to be my friend they would push those people
away from me....

I was also abused by my father whom I still live with because even though
I have two jobs I cannot afford to live on my own...

so my question is because of my OCD I keep reliving the past and I'm
so angry especially at the peers who were relentless with me because
I was an easy target because when my best friend moved away then
I had no friends and I was really easy to pick on

I cannot take antidepressants because I have interstitial cystitis
(probably caused by all the stress)
so I don't know what to do to shake the anger
at the peers or my father (mostly the peers)

sometimes the anger is terrible and it eats me inside because I realize
it's because of their abuse to me that I have this ulcer condition
in my bladder (interstitial cystitis)
and I'm still afraid to show myself around this town after all these years
because the site of any of them from the past makes me very
ill

any advice on how to get past the anger so maybe I can heal from
interstitial cystitis?????????

why are peers so mean in junior high and high school?????
was anyone else picked on in school and if so any advice on how you
cope with healing from this???????

one girl told me they made fun of everyone and I just didn't realize it
at the time... and this sort of helps the pain of what I went through...

it was a really bad class filled with very mean peers

any advice????

[SidneyCozzoi]

I was relentlessly picked on in grade school. My grandfather was the principal of the school which made it worse. I'm a different person now that I'm an adult. I've moved beyond all of that because kids are stupid and say and do stupid things. When I moved to California in my freshman year of high school I had a clean slate but I terrified of it all happening again.
I moved from a place where girls didn't really dress up or wear make-up to school. I was also a tomboy which made being in high school in southern california difficult to adjust to. I got involved with theater and found my confidence and suddenly I didn't really care what everyone else thought. I was different and original and since then people have seen that and admired it.
All I can say is find yourself by doing something you love to do, regardless of others. Move beyond those things from your past. The past is gone it has simply taught you a lesson about the world around you. People can suck, but for every 5 Jerks there is a genuine friend out there.
As for your living situation, I can sort of relate, I can't even afford to rent a room with two jobs! I have to live with my boyfriend that I'm struggling to trust.
Again, I say find something that makes you happy and go do it, every week, if not everyday!!

[WiccanGoddess]

My advice would be to talk to someone, a friend, a family member...even someone online. Talking things out often helps.

Why are peers so picked upon? Because, sadly, teenagers want to be accepted, and if they don't do or follow what's 'in', they're 'out'. Sadly. I avoided that as much as I could, but others weren't so lucky.

As for the OCD...I don't know what to say about that, but I would, yet again, suggest talking it out.

[Dale Ivarie]

hello loveautumns....
I would suggest to look for support groups in your area..if you spend some time hopefully you will find one that seems to fit. Many of those who run support groups are great networkers. They usually have knowledge of alot of resources and low cost programs..

OCD, depression, PTSD are complex disorders and each has a some what different brain chemisty...OCD doesn't usually bring back memories...PTSD does...sounds like you are in a rough position...I know a fair amount about herbal and nutritional supplements which may help...but with your original post...I'mn hesitant...I would hate to give you the wrong advice...

good luck

Dale

[Xander67]

I was considered the school nerd.. I got picked on alot.... this was back in the 80's...

the thing was, I didnt care, I knew high school would be over in a short time, and I knew what I had waiting for me when I graduated..

Look at some of the successful people in Hollywood, they were all picked on in school...

In January of this year, I attended my 20th high school reunion, I have to say I had fun... it was actually nice being there, with everyone again, and they treated me like one of thier own this time.... over time, I guess maturity set in, (or guilt lol)

[LilithPoetika]

I was absolutely tormented in the "Christian" schools I went to, especially in 5th, 6th, 7th, 9th, and 10th grades. As one of my friends from that school so eloquently puts it, I was not treated with even basic humanity. The abuses were largely emotional, and were not limited to my peers...but even the adults who joined in, or turned the other way.

I am 27 now and feel great compassion for people who have suffered these kind of things in life. It took a great toll on me, for years. I had PTSD (but recovered) and to this day, will not willingly go to any kind of Christian service (church was one of the places I was ridiculed the most). I also struggled with all kinds of addictions and problems (from bulimia to prescription pill addiction to abusive relationships to binge eating to marijuana abuse to suicidal depressions to mistrust of anyone wanting to be my friend.)

It always stays with you. However, today I am much better off than I was 12, 5, and even 2 years ago. What has helped me?

Yoga.

Communicating with a loving goddess. Paganism has been a path where I have found the acceptance from peers in the community, and the deities, that I could've only dreamed of when I was a kid.

Writing, writing, writing. Even if you're not a writer (which I am), try it. Even if your words are "I fucking hate what you pig bastards did to me."

Affirmation. YOU are not the problem. They are.

Therapy, therapy, therapy. Especially when it came to my codependency.

SOME people in 12 step programs (however, I choose not to go anymore because they were too many shades of religious cultism.)

Confronting my mother over her part in ignoring it all (she had a set of problems all her own, was the polar opposite of me in looks and general attractiveness to men, and I don't think ever planned to have a mixed race daughter who was an overweight, nerdy social reject.)

I still suffer from anxiety. I eat too much (though this is better.) I cuss a lot. I have to watch out for any kind of prescription narcotics (especially sedatives). But, I have a great career. I have dozens of close friends, several from the school I so detest. I don't have a love life, but I have a great capacity for love (probably due to getting so little during these trials) and I feel one day, I will have that as well.

If you need more info or support, I am here for you. Feel free to PM me.

Best to you.

L.