A Small Wooden Table

[WandererInGray]

*the room is dark, five candles are lit upon a small wooden table, and incense spirals upward,
circling around the statue of the fiercesome four-armed goddess

the Wanderer sits before the altar, her black hair spilling around her face and shoulders, naked to the pain*

Great Mother of All.
Kali-Ma, o tremendous one, the world shakes beneath your dance.
I need your counsel, o wise one...
for I am powerless.
Tell me what to do, for I know not the way to turn.
Goddess I know not the way to turn.

*she bows her head and weeps*

please note this thread is for Wanderer's personal reflections only

[WandererInGray]

Mother....

Thank you for giving my Grandfather the strength to come home today. I feared I would lose him. Thank you for this blessing of a few extra hours/days/weeks whatever you will give.

*lights a candle*

[WandererInGray]

Three Candles burn.

Red...for the blood that was shed, for anger, for broken hearts.
Black...for the death of loved ones, for pain, for hopelessness.
White...for peace, for the light, for life.

Lift us up, oh lift us up
On this day of mourning, this day of sorrow
Was it six months ago that the world changed?
It seems only yesterday, Mother.

Some wounds never heal, the pain just grows duller as the days pass us by.

[WandererInGray]

*sits cross-legged, staring up at the large statue of the Monkey God*

I wish I knew, Lord Hanuman, just what your purpose was of visiting me in my dreams. And my dreams have not been quiet since that night...they are restless, and full of activity. They wear me out when I try to rest.

My future seems so unclear right now, as if I'm hovering right on the edge of something momentous....but not quite ready to take that step or even to peek over the edge.

*lights a stick of incense and places it in the holder*

Courage, loyalty, devotion. It is said you emobody these things, is that what you are trying to show me?

[WandererInGray]

*kneels before the small wooden table, three white candles burning, her heart at peace for now*

Thank you, o great ones, for the blessings of my life. I know not how to express my gratefulness for the love and devotion I have been given. My loving family....my dear friends....my dear heart-kin who are more precious to me than anything....and my love. *soft smile* Thank you for guiding us back to each other after so long apart....it seems so long still, and I know I get impatient sometimes for us to be together, but I trust that it will happen at the right time.

Thank you for giving me renewed interest in my job, I realize that it's the best thing for me to make do with what I have right now, and things could be much worse....they are for so many people.

Thank you for my three loving fur-babies....they are so dear to my heart, as strange as they are. And I'm glad they've chosen me to be their protector and companion.

Thank you for the extra time with my grandparents...I have been so blessed to know them my whole life, and though my heart grieves for the time soon without them, I do know that I have a treasure chest full of memories.

Thank you, o great ones, for the blessings of my life.

*lights an incense stick and bows before the altar*

[WandererInGray]

*a soft, jasmine scented candle burns*

Quiet Meditation...

Still haven't found that fire candle....or the stack of quarters the faeries stole. I'm scared Goddess...the thought of losing my Grandparents, though inevitable, is at times too much to bear. And yet I want it over, for them so there is no more pain...and for us, so we can end this long grieving time. I'm grateful for the chance to say goodbye properly.

Give me strength, in this endeavour of mine to build a healthier body. Please give us the money we need, when we need it.

I feel there is something missing, and yet I don't quite know what it could be or even where to start looking. Things shift in the waters, and it's hard to see clearly.

[WandererInGray]

*soft Indian chants fill the dimly lit room, incense burns in its holder and several candles are lit*

Thank you Mother for this difficult time....this test of fire to temper steel. You have provided us with what we need, when we needed it...even if it wasn't really what we wanted.

This path is slow, and my nature chafes at the pace even though I know it is necessary. But honestly, I'm starting to like it.

I know there are, in fact, enough hours in the day for what needs to get done....*smiles softly*....I just have to budget the time properly.

I am grateful for this job...it is more than others have. And I promise you I will find a way to get the free time to write again within a year, one way or another.

It is amazing what we can learn when we stop to listen and watch. There is such knowledge to be found in silence.

[WandererInGray]

Thank you Mother for the strength of will to keep myself on this path.

Thank you for giving me the chance to show my kin how much I care for them.

Thank you for the lovely night last night. :D I had a great time at the ballgame! It was just what I needed.

Please watch over those I love, those I don't know, and those I cannot stand. I work everyday on letting go of my attachment to this world and the things in it.

[WandererInGray]

Thank you Mother for the four lost pounds....may I never find them again! *grins*

Thank you for this feeling of peace lately.

Thank you that in five days I'll see my dearest love again.

Thank you for the strength to walk this path, and the signposts that I need to see.

[WandererInGray]

These are three things that I have lacked in my life at times. It seems I always start with the best of intentions, but never can go the distance. Other things in life will come up, and the project that once seemed so important and life-changing falls forgotten by the wayside. I have done this so many times it is habit now, and I rarely think about the opportunities I have passed up.

Occasionally I have the burst of enthusiasm to carry things through to the end....or almost to the end. Like that novel I finished and even got some query letters sent out. *sighs* But after the first few polite rejection letters, it is hard to keep your enthusiasm for long. But the damn thing is finished, and all I have to do is get back on track with the other two.

This current quest seems different...I know not how, or why, or where this steady resolve came from. But it pushes me onward. *laughs* Hél, it doesn't even really have to push, I feel myself drawn towards something, and that makes every sweet thing refused easier, every mile walked more enjoyable, every yoga stretch more relaxing.

I keep seeing myself in 8 months, maybe more, weighing the 65 pounds less that I want to shed. And this time I really see it.

This focus, and determination, is spilling into other parts of my life as well. *laughs in delight* I know not what spring of enthusiasm I have tapped, o Goddess, but I thank you for showing me to it and giving me the safety to drink.

I wish less and less for the life of someone else, and find myself enthralled and dedicated to the life I've got here.

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

Great Mother....let my love fly on swift wings to me...let our time together last forever....and let the space where we are apart be small.

I thank you for this gift, he is everything to me: my life, my love, my knight in battered armour. We have lived and loved and fought back to back more times in the past than I can count or remember, let this time be just as sweet.

He is the bravest champion, the most noble soul....always trying to do the right thing even at his own expense. He is funny and charming and so very gentle.

Thank you Mother, for bringing us together once again, and for making the time we must spent apart fly swiftly by.

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

I realized on Sunday I am undeniably jealous of one of my older sisters. *soft sigh* And for the oddest reason....

She has so much in common with our father, and he gets along so well with her husband too. They're talking about starting an imaging company together, I think that's when the first flicker hit me.

And then at lunch, they were talking about hunting and going to play golf, and they have similar views on politics. *sighs* She's a lawyer, an overachiever, and I feel more and more out of touch with my family.

I've had to tell my father over and over again that I don't want to spend my life as an administrative assistant, that all I want to do is be a writer. But I don't think it's the kind of profession he understands.

There's no overt favoritism there, I know that, it's just he has more in common with her than any of his other children....*makes face*...doesn't stop me from wishing I were more like her so I could get some approval from him.

[WandererInGray]

Is it right for me to be nervous that things are starting to settle? That the dust is clearing and we are all going to be okay? *makes face* I dislike being so used to conflict and chaos that the slightest hint of peace makes me nervous as all hél.

I had the best walk yesterday, pretty sore from it, but at least I did something. And it's getting easier. This time I was up and out the door almost before I realized what I was doing. It helps, I think, to take a little break after I get home from work, just to relax and recharge. *smiles* Thank Goddess we're moving into summertime and the days are getting longer so I don't have to walk in the cold and dark.

I made up a nice little mantra of my goals for the next year (well the major highlights anyhow) and repeated it as I walked.

Things feel good, Goddess, I could get used to this.

[WandererInGray]

*sighs happily*

The room is clean, and there's that feeling of satifaction which accompanies having moved things around. The energy is flowing through quite nicely.

I had a fantastic talk with my father this morning, helping to ease those feelings of jealousy I'd had a few weeks ago. We do have some things in common and I could feel that he's very proud of me. *smiles softly*

I put in an application for an adventure travel company the other day, Goddess...and I'm hoping that this works out favorably, it seems that it will give me the challenges I'm looking for.

[WandererInGray]

*takes a deep breath and pins the piece of paper upon on the wall above the altar*

Well here we go, Goddess....may my footing be sure, my actions wise, and my confidence high.

In 2 months I will: (July 2002)
Have 1 credit card paid off
Lose 25 pounds

In 6 months I will: (October 2002)
Have second credit card paid off
Lose another 25 pounds (for total of 50)

By Next year I will: (May 2003)
Have a better paying job (at least $35,000)
Have one article (or short story) published in magazine
Be able to wear a bikini
Still be 65 pounds lighter than I was in May of 2002

In 2 years I will: (May 2004)
Have my final credit card paid off
Have my car almost paid off
Have another book finished

In 5 years I will: (May 2007)
Have an agent for my books
Traveled to Europe at least once
Still be at 140-150 pounds and in shape
Have car paid off (hopefully for three years already)
Learn to ride a motorcycle…and own one

[WandererInGray]

*wanderer methodically lights candles until the small room is filled with light...several sticks of incense burn on the wooden table...and she bows formally to it*

Thank you Hanuman for your answer to my prosperity spell. I promise to pass on some of what I have earned from it. Thank you also for that burst of inspiration in writing my goals and for the strength and courage to stick with them.

May my follow-up appointment go well this afternoon, and may the loan closing at the bank go smoothly.

I'm coming closer and closer to the conclusion that I need to get out of this job and into something new. I don't know why, but a large chunk of me really wants to do this as soon as the middle of June. We're not quite stable enough financially for me to just pick up and leave like that though. So I'm hoping that I will find another way, either unpaid leave or having another job waiting. But I want (and honestly think I need) nothing more than to be able to spend a month with my love and my sister just hanging out. And not have to go into work the whole time they're here because I don't have any extra hours to use on vacation. Blah.

*pushes hair out of face and smiles*

Things really are good as a whole though. The debts will be paid and I'm saving money by making this change. Now I just have to find a job that's a little more interesting and that pays me better.

I know that motivation is my major problem, but I'm working on it one step at a time.

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

I ask only this, Lord Rama.

Let my friends find the emptiness they are seeking, and let it be filled with joy.

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

When you find yourself falling down, your hopes in the sky, but your heart like the gum on the ground.
And you try to find yourself, the abstractions of religion and the cruelty of everyone else.
And you wake up to realize, your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive. ~Jewel "Deep Water"

*laughs* That's how I feel right now....caught in that trap between doing what you need to and doing what you want to. Life is too damn short, and we're all so wrapped up in getting things and keeping them that somewhere along the lines we wake up one day and realize that we've stopped dreaming, stopped living, and are only "stuck on survive."

How do you break free of that? We're so well trained in this society to *not* make the break, that the very idea of it sends me into a panic. A thousand voices I didn't even know where there in my head screaming all at once about don't do it! you don't know what'll happen without a job! you can't quit, you'll starve, lose your car, your house, all your things! you're not a writer and you never will be. why you'd give up the security you have to seek dreams is beyond me, etc.

And they're echoed out loud in the voices of some that I love. Because they have their own fears about it, and can't help but voice them when I ask, or bring up the subject.

My friend Jeff...who's quitting his job and travelling to Alaska for a few months has come under the same fire. And when we discussed it the other day, he added jealousy into the mix of reasons. "People get jealous," he told me, "because I'm doing what I want, and in some way it's a reflection of what they want to do, but are too scared to. So they get mad that I'm taking the chance...it brings into sharp relief that they're letting fear stop them from living their dreams."

And he's right....*shrugs*...I know it deep down. It's the same epiphany that I had when I was in England almost three years ago. I swore to myself then that I wouldn't let anything stop me from living my life. But *smiles* somewhere along the line I did. You get so wrapped up in the day-to-day business of surviving that living your dreams falls by the wayside.

While I wouldn't trade a single day of the past year and a half, nor give up any of the thousands of blessings I've received during that time....a small part of me grieves for the time I've lost where I wasn't working on my dream. Wasn't writing or planning or working towards becoming an author.

And I'm terrified now....very fearful that I will not accomplish this. That I'm stuck in so deep a rut I'll not be able to get out of it. At the same time a part of me is determined, very determined...that I will not spend the rest of my life in a job that means nothing to me but a paycheck. All it is doing is helping me survive...and I don't want to just survive. I want to live.

I suppose...*laughs*....the decision is really as simple as that.

[WandererInGray]

Divine blessings upon Gene Amole.

A writer for the Rocky Mountain News here in Denver, he wrote some of the most wonderful columns I have ever read. I know I still have several of them stored away.

The man was a marvel, witty, intelligent....humble...and so very brilliant with the pen.

He passed on Sunday afternoon surrounded by family and friends. And left his final column to be printed after his death.

It is my wish, dear Goddess, that I can become half the writer this man was. I never got to meet him, but I admired his prose everytime I saw his name.

http://cfapp.rockymountainnews.com/amole/0513words.cfm

[WandererInGray]

I know better than to try and avoid this Goddess...this ledge I'm hurtling toward. *soft sigh* I just wish it didn't scare me so. I wish I had some money saved up. I wish I wasn't so concerned about leaving this job with things unfinished.

I wish, I wish, I wish....:rolleyes:....I wish I could stop with the wishing already! Why do I have to be so timid, so nervous, so worried about doing what I want to be doing.

I wouldn't fell so bloody bad if we weren't on a hiring freeze, that's probably the biggest thing that bothers me. *sighs* Knowing that they can't hire anyone to replace me tears at my loyalties. To myself and to my pride in my work.

I can't take a leave of absence from the job...I need the money I'd get from my retirement account to get by...sort of, we'd survive without it, but things would be easier with it.

I suppose I'd be open to coming in a couple of days a week to help out with stuff if they asked about it. *soft sigh* I just don't know what to do again. It's such a pain. Once I get over one fear, one worry, one obstacle...something else appears. Or I create something else because I'm afraid of doing this.

My head hurts....:(

[WandererInGray]

Is it because you know I'm so stubborn that these lessons always have to knock me down...that's the only way you feel you can get my attention??

*sighs and relaxes a little* Thank you for blessing me with a wonderful Father, who is more than willing to spend his Sunday fixing his daughter's worn down brakes.
Please let the cost of this ignorance on my part not cost too much. And let the other repairs go swiftly tomorrow so we can ride out the rest of this month in relative quiet.

Is June going to be better? *hopeful smile* I'm not sure I can handle much more of these rollercoaster emotions. I was seriously close to the breaking point today.

Maybe it was that damn shove I asked for...only it was decidedly away from the edge and not off it. :rolleyes: Sometimes I think you're as indecisive as I am, seriously.

We're working on it. And I'm trying to keep Yoda's words in my mind as much as possible.

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

*takes a deep breath and reads the piece of paper pinned on the wall above the altar*

Just to keep them fresh in my mind, Goddess dear.
I am very close to my first goal and still have a month and a half in which to accomplish it.
The second is slightly harder, I'll admit, I've been slacking severely on the weight loss. Why am I doing this to myself??
Losing weight is a healthy decision for me, and I need to make the time to accomplish it.
Drink more water!
It's realistic to think that I probably won't lose quite that much by the end of July...at two pounds a week that about 16 pounds, but even that will be an achievement. I just really need to get motivated about this again.
*grins* Not to mention that Mely is kicking my rear at the moment and if I don't get moving I'm going to owe her $200.

In 2 months I will: (July 2002)
Have 1 credit card paid off
Lose 25 pounds

In 6 months I will: (October 2002)
Have second credit card paid off
Lose another 25 pounds (for total of 50)

By Next year I will: (May 2003)
Have a better paying job (at least $35,000)
Have one article (or short story) published in magazine
Be able to wear a bikini
Still be 65 pounds lighter than I was in May of 2002

[WandererInGray]

*curls up in front of a roaring fire, much to exhausted to be formal, knowing the gods will understand*

Thank you for making the time pass so swiftly today. I don't want to use the leave time if I don't really have to, there's so precious little of it in the first place.

Thank you for the money, I'm holding onto it for the moment, but as soon as we're out of the woods, I'll pay off the rest of that card and that will be the end of that.

Can I get over this summer cold quickly so I can start working out again. I know I really need to, the stress is going to kill me if I don't let it out somewhere, but it's hard to do when all you want is to collapse at the end of the day.

I'm so very excited for the months and years ahead. Things are going to be okay, I trust in that much.

[WandererInGray]

....I can take anything you throw at me.

*sighs and curls up in a warm blanket by the fire*

Just as soon as this cold goes away.

[WandererInGray]

*Honor sings softly to Vanessa Carlton's Ordinary Day....while lighting candles all over the room.*

I get it now. Thank you for that conversation with my sister....it's amazing what we can bury within ourselves and not even realize it until another calls it out of us.

"After September 11th, you said that we need to take care of each other."

And so I did...*soft smile*....and I have been...though my loving sister gently pointed out I wasn't supposed to do it to the detriment of my own health.

*hangs head* Which I have been doing as well, I freely admit that.
These past two weeks have been a sea of misery for me that I cannot fathom nor explain. All I know is that now is the time to pull myself back up...for there are people in far worse shape than me right now.

We learn from the past, plan for the future, and live in the present. For some reason this simple thought is something I have trouble keeping in mind...and it is not healthy to live that way.

My life, as always, is in my own hands, under the loving guidance of the gods. I do what I can, when I can, and that is what they expect of me. "Take my hand, live while you can, can't you feel your dreams lie right in the palm of your hand?"

Living is a hard business sometimes, even with all these benefits and "luxuries"....but it is a testament to the strength of humanity that we do and can and will continue to live. I owe that much to the people who have passed before me.

As my loving fiancée reminds me....everything is going to be okay. And for once, I think my heart actually believes him.

[WandererInGray]

Thank you.

[WandererInGray]

*Honor dances in silent prayer, every movement sent up to the gods watching above, in thanks, in hope, in grief and in joy, she dances for no one but the gods above*

Om Mané Padmé Hum

[WandererInGray]

*lights a single candle*

Guide Jake safely home, oh Great ones, and may he be met by loved ones.

Watch over Az, and her family as they make this difficult transition as well. Smooth their path, even if just a little, and let them know joy again.

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

*soft smile*

Lakshimi, oh great goddess, please ease the mind of my dear sister's mother. Show her the way to peace and happiness is in letting her daughter live her own life. Please help her not to inflict her worries and fears and lost dreams upon my sister.

Grant to my sister the patience to deal calmly and lovingly with her parents. To show them that she is an adult and needs to live her own life.

Please show them that she cannot, she will not, mash herself into the mold they wish to put her in, that she is a woman in her own right and her own mind.

Walk with her, and keep your light on the path she walks.

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

*Wanderer chants softly as she pours water from a green bowl into a blue one and then back again*

This burn that was needed, let it end
Let no more harm come to forest and friends.
Rain falls down to quench fires of hél
Let no more harm be and all be well.
Winds die down, smoke go away
As the rain sweeps fire clear this day.
I ask you now, oh Goddess dear
Hear my plea and end this fear.
By my strong will, so mote it be
As strong as three, times three, times three.

*dumps the water from both hands onto the fire below, and a billow of smoke rises from the now extinct flames*

Namasté, Ganges.

[WandererInGray]

*Wanderer kneels before her altar, touching her hand to her heart, lips and forehead.*

Keep me on my path, give me strength and power to accomplish what I need to get done.

In 1 month I will: (July 2002)
Have 1 credit card paid off
Lose 10 pounds

In 3 months I will: (October 2002)
Have second credit card paid off
Lose another 20 pounds
Have an article or essay published from free-lance work

[WandererInGray]

*lights a stick of incense and a white candle, then a small blue candle*

Fly my love to me on swift and safe wings.
So I can hold him again and be held in his warm embrace.
Fly my love to me on swift and safe wings.
So that we may be together.
Fly my love to me on swift and safe wings.
Bring him to me, my one and only love.

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

Goddess, grant me the patience and widsome to deal with difficult people and situations.

Please watch over my grandmother, she is so frail now, make her passing swift, silent, and painless. I know in my heart she will not last the summer.

Thank you for the wonderful friends I have in Mel and Nallia, I'm so glad to have met Mel in person at last.

Thank you as well for my loving fiancée. Grant him the strength to endure and overcome his trials and challenges. Guard him and keep him safe from harm.

In the name of the Holy Mother, these things I send on the wind.
Namasté

[WandererInGray]

*breathes a sigh of relief*

I know we're not out of the woods yet, but thank you for letting the anti-botics take care of that lump on the cat. Hopefully it was a misdiagnosis by the vet and it's not really cancer.

If it is, please let us find someway to pay for the surgery. Let Rashmika not be in any pain. While I'd hate to have such a lovely cat taken from us, if she has to go, let it be swift and painless.

*lays down on a soft mat and lights the candles nearby*

Please watch over us all, I don't know what stress strings us so tight, but we need all the help we can get right now.

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

*The room is filled with soft candlelight, and NagChampa incense burns nearby on the small wooden table.*

"O Lord! Ocean of Nectar!
O Gleaming Three-eyed One!
O Sweet One even of the Monstrous Eyes!"
Let me cry and dance
Exclaiming all this with joy.

With my eyes closed
At the touch of your lotus feet,
May I rejoice,
Reeling with drunkenness
From the wine of your devotion.

From the time I have been brought to you...the path has been thick with troubles. But also sweet with joys. I have been tested and tried and beaten down to my knees somehow to get up again.
Though for all that, I do not know how I would have survived without you. You have been my source of strength in a world of madness.
I follow this path with joy in my steps...joy at having walked upon your footsteps and followed in your grace.

I feel as Frodo with the ring....walking into a land of unknowns, of fears, but resolute in my journey....to turn back is not an option, so forward I will go.

[WandererInGray]

Oh Mother God....please heal Nallia's toothache. She really can't afford a dentist right now, and I know it pains her. Ease the hurt, and let it be something simple and easily fixed.

Watch over us, as we go through these difficult times, we've lasted this long and I'm hoping that light is not an oncoming train.

[WandererInGray]

Bring ease to Azure's heart...walk with her through this test.

Watch over my little sister, bring her back home soon.

Walk with my love, give him strength and courage to do what must be done.

Bless this house, and give us peace.


Namasté

[WandererInGray]

Keep him safe...and bring him back home to me soon.

[WandererInGray]

Thank you for the blessings in my life...that rain last night was wonderful.

Thanks as well for the skills to fix the plumbing, it made a drastic difference in our water bill this month and we need all the extra money we can get right now.

Thank you for Mika's health, the lump is completely gone now and we're going to take her back in for a check-up but I suspect that vet didn't know what he was talking about.

Thank you for my Grandmother's momentary lucidity...it's welcome, and eases my mind about trying to spend as much time with her as possible.

Thank you for the wonderful visit from Phoenix and Mely, it was an oasis in this desert of stress we've been in and a welcome respite. I miss them both so much but can't wait for them to come back soon.

Blessings on you holy Rama, I, as Hanuman, am your loyal servant.
Namasté

[WandererInGray]

Goddess great and dear, give me strength.

[WandererInGray]

Help me through these next few weeks...I do know that everything will be okay, I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

Great Lord Rama, please protect the innocents from the actions of madmen.

[WandererInGray]

Watch over Papa, Oh Kali, destroyer for Life....may he find a new job with your blessing and protection.

My thoughts and prayers go out to Kaylara and Traz, to Myst and her love...for the heartache endured. May the goddess ease their pain and bring them joy.

Kisses for my love...because you are my sunshine and my beating heart.

Hugs for my sisters, of blood and of spirit....may the divine bless your lives and bring you happiness and peace.

Energy for my brother, to make you well again.

Love and blessings for my parents who I am so lucky to have, your thoughtful and loving upbringing made me what I am today. To quote a country song....you gave me roots for strength and wings to fly.

Loving thoughts for all my new friends here and my old friends everywhere else. May the good lord Rama shower blessings unnumbered upon your heads.

*lights a stick of incense and a large white candle*

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

Lord Rama, grant me patience.

[WandererInGray]

*practices her mindful breathing*

Great Kali-Ma...Mother of all, Eater of Time, Destroyer and Life Bringer, I call upon you.

Please, show my uncle that what he tries to control cannot be controlled. Death follows life, and life follows death. There is no escape from it, no matter how many people are in the room or making dinner or cleaning house. No matter how he tries to control with his schedule and his plans...his mother, my grandmother will die.

The cancer is spreading rapidly, and she's lost so much weight in the last 7 months. I will be extremely surprised if you let her live out the year, oh great one. It grieves me to lose her from this plane, but more so to see the pain it causes those around me. And to see how some cannot accept this natural progression and take it out on themselves and others.

Grant him peace, Kali, somehow...and don't let him split his family in his grief.

Watch over my grandparents. And when the time comes, make their passing swift and quiet, like riding on the wings of eagles into the sky. I will miss them, but I will not gather them close and try to hold them here in my selfishness. That is not my decision to make.

*lights a candle on the altar*

Watch over my roommate, Krisha, help her stand by this difficult decision she has made.
And help him make a decision one way or the other and stick with it. Give him strength.
And give me wisdom to know when to stick my nose in and put my foot down, and when to keep my mouth shut.

Watch over my other heart-sister, keep her safe and happy until she comes home to us. Give her courage to do what needs to be done, and joy to live each day.

*lights incense*

Lord Rama, and Hanuman my protector. Watch over my love, bring him safely to me, or if not to me, as close as possible so that I may go to him, knowing that my family and friends are still within reach.
Give him joy and peace, and the strength to deal with these ongoing trials. Rain your blessings down on him.

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

*smiles and settles down into lotus postion, lighting a stick of Nag Champa and a white candle*

Breathing in, I am mindful of my pain, fear, confusion, and worries.

Breathing out, I release myself from these burdens.


Do I panic just to remind myself to breathe? Goodness I hope not, that seems like an awful waste of energy.

I was so frustrated and scared today, and I don't really know why, but I took part of that out on the one I love. He forgives me, thankfully, but I shall not make a habit of it.

I accomplished my goals for July. *laughs* I think...since the scale seems to have a mind of its own. But if I am wrong and it is right, then I am well on my way past my goal there. This pleases me and gives me a boost, hopefully again, it is enough to motivate me to keep at it.
I was blessed with the genes of my dear grandmother...unfortunately this means less food I think I love and more exercising.

I am committed to this path, because it makes me healthy.
I am committed to this path, because it will give me more time with the ones I love.
I am committed to this path, because it feels good to do.
I am committed to this path, because I am committed to myself.

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

*kneels before an altar covered in blue cloth, a single statue of Ma'at is surrounded by three white candles, and a piece of Colorado, surrounded in red wax to form a heart*

We are the three candles.
We are the three graces.
We are Her three faces.
We are the three sisters.
We are the three moons.

Together we are everything, apart, we are lost, alone, struggling.

I am more comfortable talking to you, Ma'at, because I think in someways this situation is all about justice and order.

I've said what I can say to my heart-sister, we both have, spoken only in sisterly-love and concern.

We all know, the spark will die...and it is a terrifying thought. It scares me, O Mother, to think of that lovely light dying in her eyes as she smothers under the weight of a burden that is not hers to bear.

They tell her to be content....*snorts*....as if content is the way to live life. They are content....she is not, and should not be expected to be content with the life they have chosen for themselves. *shakes head*

*sighs* I do not seek to make her decisions for her, Ma'at, I only want her to live her life....not run from her fears.

Shower your blessings on her....comfort her and help ease her fears. Show her the choice that is in her heart, the one that makes her happy.

[WandererInGray]

*sits before a large statue of the Divine Mother in all her glory and horror*

It is hard for me to understand how parents can be so cruel. So completely and totally unsupportive of their own flesh and blood following a dream...simply because it is not their dream.

I was, and am, so lucky Kali-Ma to have the family I was blessed with. They may not always understand me, but they are always there for me, and so many times I have taken such great comfort in that simple fact.

Watch over my sister, as she leaves behind her old life. Carry her safely through the strife. Give her the blade with which to set herself free and show her the strength and courage that is buried so deep inside her.

Give her parents what they deserve, for pushing her away, for the ridicule, and the insults, and the total horrific lack of support. I wish with my whole heart that they have the life they deserve and feel the grief of having treated their own flesh and blood so. May they know the regret of their actions.

*shakes head*

Her father was closer to the truth than he realizes, but never in a million years would he admit it is nothing more than the result of his own actions. Why on earth wouldn't you want to spent time with people you *consider* family....and who treat you as such in the truest sense of the word. Treat you as the good, kind, wonderful, talented, utterly gorgeous human being you are. And he thinks it's strange she would chose this over the insults and ridicule. *snort* Whatever.

I am lucky, Kali-Ma, in my blood family....and doubly lucky in the family I have chosen. Thank you for blessing my life this way.

[WandererInGray]

*curls up into a nest of blue blankets*

It's funny that I come to you even when I don't know what to say....*smiles softly at the statue of Ganesh*

Thank you for this new tactic of concentrating on just one thing at a time. My mind seems to whirl to pieces when I worry about anything and everything that must be done.

I thought up a task, and carried it through to completion. *smiles* Well almost...by tomorrow it will be done and out of my mind.

And so my thoughts turn to the next project...and it is an easy burden since it is shared by two others.

We look for lodgings, Ganesh....but more than that, we look for a place that will be home. Please let us find such a place, and let the getting of it be swift and easy. May we find a place we can possibly buy so that we may decorate as it suits our souls to do....and may the finances be stable, within our range, and fair. May we too all have good incomes from our jobs and may Mely find a job she loves soon so that she may cease to worry about it.

*sighs happily and snuggles down*

Hanuman may call me from time to time....but you are the one who always looks out for me when my Mother is away. *smiles*

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

*plants a big fat kiss on Ganesh's trunk and lays down a bowl of milk, a bowl of peanuts, and bright lotus blossoms*

That, was a heck of an answer! :D Thank you so very very much!!

[WandererInGray]

The six feet from the kitchen table to her chair in the living room exhausted her.
I watched them, feeling more than a little helpless as my grandfather led my grandmother across the room...her feet shuffling, her oxygen cord dragging behind her, and neither of them enjoying the trip.

*sighs sadly* And selfish me, all I could think was...Please dear Goddess when it is my time to go, don't let me go like this...wasting away so slowly and painfully until only a shadow of myself remains.

I am not afraid of death. But I am deathly afraid of cancer. I am so very afraid of watching those I love pass from this disease.

My eye chanced to fall upon a photo of my grandmother this evening...a photo from only a few years ago. So happy, laughing, lovely. The best warm, round, plump grandmother a girl could ask for.

Now wasted away to barely skin and bone.

It was all I could do to choke back the tears.

Goddess I hate this disease....and forgive me but I hate you for sending it.

[WandererInGray]

*smiles and wipes away a tear*
Thank you so much, Mother...for Azure's wonderful weekend and all the blessings showered on her. It does my heart good to see her so happy.

*looks up at the statue of Ganesh*

We're so very close here. If this is the place for us, let us get it. While I'm not too excited about the prospect of having to pack and move so quickly, the house is magnificant and just what we were looking for.

Please let things work out....we need this so badly.

[WandererInGray]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

:D

[WandererInGray]

*the altar is laden with fresh flowers, fruits, nuts, and silver coin as wanderer kneels in front of it, pressing her forhead to the cool floor*

You said to wait, be patient...and even though it was so hard, and I seemed to lose faith so many times, Goddess....I have waited and done my best to be patient.

And what riches you have bestowed upon us for doing so! I cannot say thank you enough, nor show you my gratitude...for it is boundless, unending, and whole-hearted devotion to you.

I am your servant, your dicipline, forever and always.

Thank you so much for the blessings of my life.

[WandererInGray]

*barely resists the urge to smack the Greek statue across the room and screams at the sky*

Take her father away now? What are you doing?? Are you trying to break her? For what purpose?? Haven't you broken her enough in the past year?? Weren't all the tests you put her through, all the pain and heartbreak and struggle....wasn't it enough? And now...just when things were on the upswing...just when she was starting to relax again!

I don't understand why you would do this to the one who bears your name with such pride....

*slumps to the floor weeping*

[WandererInGray]

*sighs and settles before the altar of Kali-Ma*

The good things come in threes.....so do the bad things. I wonder what the third will be?

I do not know yet what is going on, Mother...but let this be the last time he has to deal with her....let her learn her lessons and realize she never had a claim on him except in her own mind. Let your justice be swift and clean, and let us at last put this all to rest.

You are the Goddess of Life
You are the Goddess of Death

And I am yours forever.

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

Disengage....what a strange term that is. *shakes head* I still can't get the Star Trek reference out of my head when I think of it.

And yet there's also something so mechanical about it...something coarse and unrefined.

We look upon birth as such a miracle...a blessing...a Divine right. Why then do we not put that same stature to death? It's nothing more than the end of a cycle and the beginning of a new one that is a mystery to us all.

My dear sweet Grandmother is walking with a foot in both worlds right now...getting closer and closer to crossing over completely.

Goddess how I love her, and how I'm going to miss her so. But I can't hold on, I wouldn't dare. Death for her will be a blessing, a release from the pain. An end to this long life in which she's lived so hard.

She is the small number of that last generation. The ones who grew up without electricity or running water. The ones who saw a Depression come and rock a nation. Whose parents lived and died in the same house and had it not been for a world war probably would have done the same.

But they trooped off to strange lands, barely 18 years old, to fight for our freedom. So many died there. But my Grandfather made it back. And married my Grandmother. And thanks to the Army they saw the world together, those two kids from rural Oklahoma.

She raised four children practically by herself while my Grandfather was fighting in Korea. And took care of him her whole life, until her energy left her and now he takes care of her.

They are such a pair, and if there is any greater example of the power of love...I don't know what it is.

I will miss them so much when they go.

[WandererInGray]

Not for myself Ganesh.....

Please let Nallia's interview go smoothly today. Let them offer her the money that she asked for. Let them not have a problem with her much needed trip to NY. And let them ask her to start tomorrow so that she can tell this much hated job she's in now to stick it in their ear.

Thank you so much for the relatively easy move. All the great help, and all the work Nallia and I got done yesterday. Let things continue to run this smoothly.

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

God let her passage be swift
As the angels sing sweet and low
Carry her to that sweet land
And give her angel wings of gold

She's travelled far and seen so much
Lived the life you gave her
Now let her rest and have some peace
In the arms of her dear savior

Shower her with praise
Oh God above
Welcome her to Heaven
And the warmth of your sweet love.

[WandererInGray]

O Divine Garuda, you who take the form of eagles.
Fly with me on my journey to my love...keep us all safe in your domain the limitless sky.

Fly me swift and safe to my love.

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

These are the words that rule my life.

I know what must be done, and will do all in my power to follow it. Now is not the time for selfish thoughts or actions and I thank you for making me see again.

My grandmother dies soon, and I will be here. To comfort my family and to grieve with them.

[WandererInGray]

Thanks for the cold....

....I promise I'll take better care of myself.

[WandererInGray]

Thank you for Hospice care, and nurses who know when to give pain patches to those who think for some reason they're *supposed* to be in pain.

Thank you for easing her pain....please let it be soon that it ends for good.

Thank you for the push lawnmower....*soft smile*....I'm glad to have finally found one, and even more grateful that I could afford it. So now not only is this good for the environment, but I'm guarenteed a workout at least once a week, as long as the weather requires lawnmowing.

Thank you for the day off on Friday, even though I did other work, it was a blessing to sleep in so late and take a nice long nap in the evening.

Thank you for the chance to see my Grandparents at least once more. With no way of knowing when she'll die, it's safe to say that each visit is the last time I'll see her here.

Please bring peace and healing to my family great Ones....especially to her children, let them not tear each other apart over her death.

Watch over my little brother....he is taking this hard, please give him health and support him in this. Let him find a new job that will be less stressful and let him accomplish his goals.

Looks like rain today, that will be welcome....I am looking forward to fall and the healing sleep of winter. Please let it snow this winter and blanket us in the healing softness.

I am not looking forward to the next couple of days, Goddess....this anniversary is hard enough, and would that I could be in two places at once I would be with Nallia and Mely as they deal with it in New York. Keep them safe, and let these rumors of another attack, just be rumors.

Let my love's NCO induction ceremony go well, and I thank you for holding off on my grandmother's passing so that he did not feel conflicted in his duties. Bless him and keep him forever as he is my one and only true love.

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

Lord Rama...watch over my sisters, keep them safe from harm these next few days.
Help Nallia heal, and Mely sprout her wings to fly.
May I see them soon.

[WandererInGray]

*settles into a lotus position before a statue of the Buddha*

Slowly I am learning...though it is hard to maintain and so very easy to slip back into old habits and patterns. Sometimes it is so very hard to let go.

Odd that I can feel compassion for total strangers and yet there are still people in my past I cannot work up compassion for. *smiles and shrugs* I know too that it is harder to be compassionate to those you feel have wounded you. That is I believe the last step in that chain.

I am just not the kind of person who can wallow in such desolation for too long. Life seems to hold so much promise for us all.

Anyway, I am still reading and looking....and starting to wonder if there is a Buddhist temple around here somewhere that I could go.

Please let Nallia and Mely get home soon...let their travel be swift and without obstacle...and let there be happiness in the house once again.

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

Clara Hix Clifford
May 2, 1920 - September 15, 2002
May you fly on angel's wings Grandma, and sit with the hosts of heaven.

*lights a small candle*

Thank you for releasing her from this world...to fly above us and not know pain any longer.

Please watch after my Grandfather...hold him close and may he know peace.

Thank you for my family, my friends and my love. They are such a comfort in times like this.

May my love fly on strong wings as he comes to be with our family.

[WandererInGray]

*sits quietly before the three copper bowls, lights flickering inside them....incense blows on the breeze and a single minature rose lays upon the polished surface of the small wooden table*

It is hard to know where to start...things have been so hectic and busy lately, the time for reflection seems odd.

I, and my family, are surviving. The memorial was lovely, with almost as many laughs as tears. Grandma would have liked that. My dear friends were there and that meant so much to me. As was my love, and for that I will be ever grateful.

I broke down unexpectedly when I saw the table with her pictures on it. And a single teacup from the cabinet of ones that she collected her whole life. And then almost later when my sister said "there is a Grandma sized hole in my life"...it makes me cry now to think of it.

With the chaos of the move, and then my trip to Alabama, all that endless waiting for Grandma to cross over and hardly believing it when it happened. I feel at a bit of a loss as to what comes next.

Goddess, grant my love peace and happiness, and let us be together again soon.
Grant my roommates jobs that they enjoy and funds to do the things they want.
Grant me peace and prosperity, let me find my focus again and travel the road with joy in my heart.

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

*the wanderer has ventured outside her small wooden home, away from the table and the lights and warm, wrapped in a gray dress and dark red plaid, she traverses the ground, bathed in the dying light of the day...

....the sun is blood red as it sets down into the mountains, and the velvety blackness begins to creep across the sky, dotted with bright diamond stars*

I am back at the crossroads, néh? *smiles and shakes head* The last time I chose duty over desire, and walked the right path though it was not what I wanted to do.

And that path, as always, brings me right back here to choose again. The left path though it looks trecherous and dark--leads to my dreams. While the right loops ever back to this same crossroads.

I have changed much in these last two years...more than I ever thought possible. There has been much pain, and much joy. I have dear friends with me now, and a love that I didn't believe was possible until it wrapped me in his loving embrace.

There have been lofty goals, tempered by serious setbacks. And money, always money as the qualifier in my life. It drives me, frightens me, and makes me walk the right path over and over again as I gather up my courage to leap onto the left path.

That chasm seems so wide, and I do not know if I have the strength to jump it. But the one thing I do know is that if I keep walking in this circle I won't have the strength for much longer.

I am not happy here, doing this mind-numbing work day after day. I need interaction, something that will fire my imagination....and above all, I need the time to write again.

I do not know when, but I need to get out of here. Maybe before the end of the year, maybe right after. *shrugs and pulls the plaid tighter* The very thought makes my throat close in panic and all those endless fears about money jump in my head...but I'll shake them off for now, and no matter what I will find someway to survive.

*flame flares in the darkness and the bundle of herbs burns quickly as the wanderer walks back to her small wooden home*

[WandererInGray]

I am trapped all alone at work this week. Phoenix has security training and so I must concentrate on my work. *soft smile* How pitiful is it that I just know this week is going to drag because I have no one to share it with?

Things are settling slowly. We had to give Mika up this weekend and that was very hard for all of us. *sighs* Oh how I wish she'd gotten along with the other cats, and that Ulath hadn't been so hard on her. But I know in my heart that was the best move...he would have injured her seriously eventually, and it wasn't healthy to keep her locked up in a room by herself.

I am expecting several things in the mail towards the end of the week and quite looking forward to getting them.*smiles* I know with all that has been going on I have not stopped to take better care of myself but I am going to make a better attempt at that in these last three months of the year.

Mely enjoys her job, and I'm so very happy for her. Just let me be right in that the school gets another four kids before the end of October so that she can have a classroom of her own. That will help ease her worries about the money.

And let Nallia get a job this week, we really need her to be self-sufficient and she needs it too.

I want them both firmly established before I take off on the path I want to travel. The money I will get from leaving this job will pay for some of my debts and keep me afloat for a while...then I can get a job bartending and spend the rest of the time working on my writing....which is probably what I will do this week as well. *shrugs*

We are all excited for this Halloween season, the house already has a festive feel and that will only get more palatable as the days slip deeper into fall.

We are travelling to the dark of the year....where the light dims and the time for introspection is at hand. What shall I see when I seek my darker half?

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

*sinks to knees in front of the altar*

Goddess please show me what to do? I don't think I can take much more of this. I'm so tired of broken promises and empty words. So tired of hopes being dashed and the endless worry and stress.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Do I shout? Rage? Issue ultimatums? Things have become so intertwined that I stand a very real chance of going under over this. I don't want to do that!

I'm tired of the worry. I want to be able to concentrate on my life and my life alone for a little while. I want to be able to make the decisions I know I need to, and am becoming resentful of others getting to relax off my hard work.

I need partnership and assistance that is constant and I honestly feel like I am not getting it. *sighs* All I see are bad choice after bad choice. *shakes head* And I don't know if I can put up with it for much longer.

I'd rather sink or swim on my own...than have someone else drag me under.

Please show me the way to go...I do not know what to do.

[WandererInGray]

I was going to post this morning and somehow never got around to it.

*soft sigh* I was going to go see my Grandfather this afternoon...but I don't know if I'm up to it today. It's hard to be there, because it reminds me so much of my Grandmother and that makes my heart ache...but also because I can feel his heartache and loneliness and know there is nothing I can do for it.

*sighs again* Oh maybe I shall go. I really don't have a good excuse not to. And I promised to bring him dinner.

I am glad this day is almost over though....work was not hard, I'm just so sick of it.

[WandererInGray]

*sits before the altar*

Thank you Gods for keeping the cycle going. I don't know what I would have done if that impossibility had happened.

Please let Nallia get a job today. I can feel the worry and stress and guilt rolling off her and it pains me. But we simply cannot afford to support her and I have things I want to do that require her to have a full-time, well-paying job. I am weary of putting my dreams on hold for others and yet unable to jump when the financial burden is so heavily on my shoulders.

Let me find the strength inside me to do what needs to be done.

Thank you for the lovely jewelry I found, and for being able to buy them without feeling guilty about it. Now may I continue to pay off what needs to go without getting myself into difficulty again.

Keep my Grandfather safe and warm, watch over him and bless him and let him know he is loved.

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

Goddess, let Athena get a job today. I want nothing else. Just this.

Please.

[WandererInGray]

*soft sigh*

I wish I knew the purpose of this lesson over and over again.
I know I can't do anything about it, so it seems a bit cruel to keep throwing it in my face time and again.

Can you show me what I need to do? Please?

[WandererInGray]

Why am I such a bad, evil person?

I love him more than life itself...one would think then, that it would be easy for me to pick up and move to be with him.

But I am selfish, cold and cruel. I do not want to leave my family and friends. I am too afraid to give up the job that I have and travel to a place that I cannot stand just to be with the man I love.

Fate has such a messed up sense of humor, to give me this gift and make me too proud and scared to leave all I've ever known.

Why do I have to sacrifice everything? Why is there no middle ground? Why do you do this to me? Make me watch him suffer and know in my heart that the one way to stop it is to leave my home and travel to a place that will smother my spirit.

Because I am the only one with a choice. And Goddess I hate you sometimes for making me be the one who has to choose.

I am a bad, evil person and I hate this constant pain.

[WandererInGray]

KaliMa....grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change those things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.

This walk to the crossroads is slowly and frightening. Money is always such a constant worry for me. I know not how to free myself from the guilt and recriminations I hit myself with for the choices I have made.

Am I strong enough to split my life into two places? To build up two homes, even though I would rather just be in one? Will I be able to swing it financially?

The house can be fixed up, and little pieces of myself added so that it feels more like home and less like a place I'm just visiting. Moreover, I want *him* to feel at home there, in a nice clean house full of love. So that when I am away it will not feel like I'm away.

I know I can do this...it's just a question of how much it will cost and what else I can do.

Why am I so scared of taking this step? It's not only about the travelling back and forth. Why am I scared of finally having some time to myself to sit down and write?? To work on my dream.

*soft sigh* Because I am afraid it is a dream....and nothing more.

[WandererInGray]

*soft grin* Can't stop the wheels spinning in my head. And it's probably not a good thing.

Still an hour left in this dreary, dull job....I've gotten a lot accomplished over the last two weeks...probably because I feel guilty about leaving things here that I've spent two years working on and can't seem to get finished. So I've been industrious.

Too bad that doesn't come with a monetary bonus of somekind. :p

I'm tired of this..."my life will start tomorrow" attitude. It's draining my life away right before my eyes. And yet, like quicksand, the more I struggle to get free...the more it drags me under.

I don't really know who I am any more, and I don't think anything could scare me more.

"It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time. I want what's yours and I want what's mine. I want you, but I'm not giving in this time."

Goddess I hate that song, but it won't shut off...everywhere I go it keeps playing.

I do want to be there...I just hope I can pull it off.

[WandererInGray]

Goddess....teach her to love herself.
*shakes head* If I had a friend who said things like that about me, I'd dump them in a second. But what do you when the person saying mean things about you is yourself?

Show her she is a bright and wonderful person with talent and love and kindness.
Let her get it into her thick skull that she is not a "tub of lard" but a beautiful woman and that it pisses me off something fierce to hear her speak of herself in such degrading tones.

We didn't ask her to come out here to be a support system or to put her own dreams on hold for us. She came out here looking for something, but Goddess she'll never find it if she doesn't look inside first and make peace with herself.

Please help her learn that life doesn't start when you lose 70 pounds....it goes all the time regardless, and it's up to us to make the most of it as it does.

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

I know this sounds selfish Goddess...but please not now.
We can't afford to have her go to NY...and she doesn't want to either.

Make her father better...and show him how selfish it is to not change his habits when they cause his family such misery.

Please, can we just catch a break here?

[WandererInGray]

*sits and lights three white candles on the altar*

There is so much pain in the world right now Goddess. *soft sigh* Bigger worries and pain than our petty little concerns. I can't be worried about money anymore. We will be taken care of, and we are so much better off than some around here.

It's so cold in my office that my rings are sliding easily off my fingers...or maybe it's because I'm down to 194 this morning. Who knows? *shrug* All I do know is that I'm scared of what this world is coming too. Why do we destroy ourselves with this mindless violence?

It all makes me sick to my stomach...and in all honesty more than a little lost. Buddhism holds more and more of an appeal to me...but how can a Buddist write books about war? I just don't know what I want to do anymore.

Goddess, watch over Nallia and her family.
Goddess, watch over those in the D.C. area.
Goddess, watch over those who grieve.
Goddess, watch over those in Bali.

In your name I pray. Namasté

[WandererInGray]

*settles into a meditation pose, cross-stich in hand*

Funny how I do seem to meditate best when I'm doing something with my hands.

I am worried, but not terribly so. I hope that Nallia's father recovers from this stroke. That is probably my biggest fear right now...that he will be trapped for the rest of his life in a body that doesn't work.

Everything else is really secondary to that.

She's going to her interview tomorrow, please let her get the job. She's perfect for it, and she really needs it. Then to NY for a few days to see her father, and she will come home.

The money is, really, a secondary worry. We are taken care of and will be taken care of if it comes right down to it.

You have always watched out for us Divine One, and I have faith that you always shall.

[WandererInGray]

*sighs and snuggles deep into a dark blue blanket*

Please....I don't know what to do any more. Please help him.

[WandererInGray]

Oh Divine Ones....watch over my love. He walks in your grace, but the path is so hard at times.

May we be together soon, I no longer can bring myself to care about the money...I just want to be in his arms again.

Watch over him, and give air to his wings so that he may soar again.

[WandererInGray]

Thank you divine one....oh terrible and benevolent Kali-Ma.

I asked:
KaliMa....grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change those things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.
And you answered.

Please walk with me so that I may keep my courage now that I know what must be changed and the steps though hard that are needed to change it.

Please grant her wisdom to see we only want what's best, but that we can no longer put our own lives and dreams on hold for her.

For too long I have taken care of everyone else but me. It is time for things to change.

[WandererInGray]

Strange how that always seems to happen to me. I'll listen to a song a hundred times and never get more than the normal pleasure out of hearing a good tune.

And then a situation pops to the foreground, and I hear the song again shortly after and it's like BAM! some kind of explosion goes off in my brain.

It was all so clear and simple on the way to work this morning as the song started playing. And I'll be the first to admit most people wouldn't look for meaning in a song from Buffy the Musical. *Grins* But I'm odd that way.

I have been standing in the way...it's as simple as that. Taking care of it, and covering, and throwing money...all the while, hoping that things would take care of themselves. But that's never the case in situations like this.

She didn't need to worry...not really, because I'd take care of it. Monitarily or otherwise. *shrugs*

That ended on Wednesday...even if she hasn't seen the note yet. (Though I hope she saw it last night.) And I hope that it will be the wake-up call she needs to take care of things on her own.

I don't like the path we will have to go down if she doesn't, but my feet are already moving.

"Wish I could stay....but I'm standing in the way." :(
(the stay comment...for those who are reading....is just metaphorical...I'm not actually going anywhere, I'm just not staying in the roll I've been in for the past year.)

[WandererInGray]

Well the financial dust has settled for the most part...except for some reason (that had better involve the weekend) my bank has yet to recognize the transfer of my credit balance. *sighs and shakes head* And until they do that I can't cancel that other credit card, or I run the risk of getting screwed over.

*settles down in a comfortable pile of blankets and stares up at the big statue of Ganesh*

I really hope the rest of the year is quieter, I need some time to rest and recuperate.

Please remove the obstacles that Nallia faces in her job search, let someone call her this week and offer her an interesting, well-paying job.

Thank you for Mely's new companion...they're going to get along famously I just know it. *shakes head* And please remind my cats...as gently as possible...that he's not a play toy or dinner, okay? *soft smile*

Thank you for my family and that Dad is bringing up the dryer (finally!) on Tuesday, may I know about the other credit card by then so I can talk to him if I need to.

*snuggles down deep* I probably need to fill up my car twice more before I get paid, still not quite sure how I will accomplish that. :rolleyes:

Let me make the right decision about this health care switch. I really can't afford to do even the cheapest plan, and I know I can't afford the one that covers everything. *sighs* Figures. It seems the best is to file the money away in my own account every month and just go from there.
Though if I'll even be here after the first of the year is in question so....*shrugs*

[WandererInGray]

*smiles* It's all straightened out now, and I found a good use for that $20...thanks for your help.

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

Is everything I put up here sounding more and more whiney or is it just me and my short tempered self?

Today...I actually believe that "everything is going to be okay" line. The finances are in order for the moment, and I'll get paid in a little over a week. (hopefully November will not be as bad) The roomie has been looking hard for job, though nothing has bit as of yet....at least not that I know of.

A little down about the party we're supposed to have on Friday night...I don't know why I do things like this when all it does is highlight just how few friends I really have.

*soft sigh* I need a new job....one with people my own age to hang out with.
My old friends are either out of the state or no longer fitting in my life anymore.
And I live with my new friends....almost all of them, anyway.

Internet friends are great...they're just hard to invite to a costume party. :rolleyes:

Ah, whatever.

[WandererInGray]

Well don't I feel like a heartless b**** now for giving that ultimatum...knowing what she was going through with her father.

The stew last night reminded Nallia that she'd never gotten around to calling her father for his chili recipe...which evolved into her crying and feeling sick about how she'd never told him "sorry" or let him know that it wasn't his fault.
And how she can't go see him....that she can't stand the thought of seeing him like that. But now her whole family is pissed at her because they think she's being selfish because she can't go.

*sighs* And all I could do was stand there and hold her while she cried. I hate feeling so helpless.

I wish I were rich....I could do such good things in this world if I were rich. *shakes head and curls up wearily*

Phoenix says I'm a good woman because I take people so close to my heart. Sometimes I wish I didn't....because it seems to tear my heart apart when they are in pain.

[WandererInGray]

Powers That Be....

Watch over Azure as she travels to her love....*soft smile*....may she have laughter and passion and joy on this trip. May his friends and hers see the love that flows between them.

*impish grin* And you know what is best for them, so if she happens to miss her return flight....let her find a job quickly so that she can stay with him.

If not, may the parting be gentle and the time apart be short.

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

THANK YOU!!!! :D

[WandererInGray]

i don't want it to be okay. that seems like just the point when we get &$*%ed over

why now? things were finally smooth, it was looking up

why did you have to $#%@ us now?

i think my faith lies shattered on the floor

[WandererInGray]

*soft smile*

I still don't know where things stand...but with the snow falling down today, it's hard to think about anything but how nice it is that we're finally getting some much needed moisture.

Mely's right, we have clothes on our backs, food in our stomachs, people who love us and dreams to occupy our time.

I just hope I don't have to approach two of those people who love me (my parents) and explain the stupid stupid stupid decision I made so I can ask them for help. *sighs* I've still got my pride at the moment and I don't want to have to let that go.

Goddess please let the next three months pass swiftly, accident and police free. Please please please, let Nallia's and Mely's schedules work out just for three months. Let Nallia be able to make enough money to pay for her tickets and anything else that comes along so that come the end of February she can get her license back and I don't have to mess with this anymore.

I don't know how much longer I'm going to be at this job. The one lady that I really like talking to in the office may leave the end of November, and that's one less reason for me to stay here. I've been trying to work on my writing, even at the expense of my "real" work and I know when that happens there's no point in me staying any longer.

*sighs* But the money is still a big issue, and I'm not at a point where I can think about leaving $2000 a month behind. I too can be stubborn when it comes to being a burden on my roommates and others. And don't like living without money when it seems like we're at a point where our heads are finally above water for once.

Let my insurance cover the other lady's car and I hope we never hear from her. And let my rates not go up too much because of this whole fiasco.

My faith is still shaken, but I remain in your care.
Namasté

[WandererInGray]

So what else is new?

2½ hours to get home last night. Because of the snow and icy roads and stupid drivers. The whole time I was thinking how much I'd love to give my notice for the end of November, which means my last day would effectively be the 25th of November as I'm going to 'Bama on the 26th and won't be back until the 2nd.

I'm running out of things to keep myself occupied here but don't really want to ask my boss for something more to do.

*sighs* Seems like all I do is gripe here lately, sorry about that.

[WandererInGray]

*kneels before the altar, three white candles burning before three small life-like statues*

I often try to place myself within the minds of my various characters when I face challenges in my life, as they seem to have certain characteristics that I feel I don't have....or cannot find beneath the panic and fear.

For over a year now, my life and the lives of my sisters have been in turmoil. Some of our own making....some from outside forces.

Nallia wounded in spirit more deeply than Mely or I, from her close proximity to the WTC on that dark day. It is a long, hard fight out of that darkness for her, and I know the struggle sometimes is tiring...as is the over-powering desire to just give up and let the darkness claim her.

Mely, wounded from long years of well-meaning but smothering parents, is just now finding her wing. Still so unsure in this new environment and freedom, but already taking the plunge to feel the breeze ruffle through her feathers.

And me, a little lost and alone, even in the company of friends...as my heart is split in two places, with the unfortunately knowledge I would not be truly happy in either place, no matter what I do right now.

Does everything happen for a reason? Or is this just the tapestry of life....good and bad mixed together in an unrecognizable mess at times. But to tear out the bad would leave gaping holes and eventually unravel all the good.

All I really know is, if we do not walk through at least part of this turmoil together, we will never get through any of it alone.

[Lyntwyn]

***Slips her hand into Wanderer's and give it a reassuring squeeze*** Never alone.
So Mote it be.

[WandererInGray]

The night the veil thins....

....and in the darkness, a small white candle burns.

[WandererInGray]

It is Halloween, the Celtic New Year, Samhain....and while I do not follow the tradition of Wicca, something of these Sabbats still appeals to me.

Maybe it's the extra reason to party. *shrugs* Who knows?

I have called myself Pagan for almost 4 years now. *shakes head and thinks* It feels longer....I think I've lived four lifetimes in this past year alone.

The only thing I know for sure is I have been this way all my life.

In the past year I have studied Hinduism and Buddhism, and both of those practices appeal to my spirit. *wry grin* Being smacked around by one of the the most ferocious Goddesses in Hindu belief will, of course, make one interested.

Kali-Ma has faded somewhat from my life, though her presence and mark will always be with me. I suspect it is because the fierce battles I fought last year are over...and calmer waters are ahead that a warrior Goddess and one traditionally known for destruction does not feel comfortable in.

But did She hand the reigns of my life back to me? Or on to someone else to pull and tug and whip me into shape. *sighs* Or did they get lost? And so now I wander like a driverless carriage, unsure of where to head next.

I've been bitching and moaning for some time now about how much I hate my job...how much I want to go write...how scared I am to leave this security and follow my dream.

The writing is part of it. As is the desire to see my Love again and spend time with him that is dictated not by the number of my leave days, but by my own choices.

Today I realized there is something else....a hole in me that I've been ignoring. I don't know why it's there, or what I must do to fill it. Only that there is something desperately missing from my life, something that will make me whole again.

But what is it? And where do I start looking?

[WandererInGray]

Yay for pay days! And leftover Halloween candy. *impish grin* And my boss getting sick (or hungover) so he doesn't want to come into work today.
Which means I've got the day pretty much to myself. And even though my paycheck has just been drastically reduced by the payment of two large bills, I think I've got everything budgeted out for the month.

I've got a gift certificate for a spa and I'm going to call them to see if I can get in tomorrow. I've got a good book to read, a few work related things to do, and the rest of my editing to put onto disc so I can bring the paper copy home tonight for the roomies to read.

I miss my baby, but I'll see him again in 25 days, and I get to stay for almost 6 whole days. We'll celebrate his birthday, just the two of us, and Thanksgiving with some friends of his.

*sighs and shifts, trying to ease the cramps in my back*

And by then, I'll know what I'm doing as far as my job goes. If I get laid off, I'll probably be out of a job by the 11th of December. Which actually works out okay, I can get a temp job working at the outlet malls. No matter what, they're always looking for seasonals.
If I don't lose my job, then the decision comes. At this point it is no longer so much "should I stay or go?"....but "when do I go?"
My current thought is that I'll stay to the end of January. That will give me the time to go see Phoenix for his promotion ceremony in February, but long enough to make sure that Mely and Nallia are secure enough I can leave this source of income.

And when I come back home, time for a bartending class....a part-time job bartending....and time for myself: to work out, to practice my spirituality, and to work on my writing.

That's the current plan, anyway....as always, offers are subject to change. :p

[WandererInGray]

I'm going into hibernation....maybe when the spring comes I'll have things figured out.

All I know is I can't be part of anything if I don't know who I am first.

I'm being pulled in six million directions. It hurts, and no matter where I go I'm not happy.

*wanders into her cave, wraps her gray cloak around her and slips into a deep sleep*

[WandererInGray]

Well it was a rough weekend as they go...*shakes head*...and I could do without all these feeling that are still rolling around inside me.

I just found an offer for a telecommute job. It only pays $11 an hour, but it's what I've been looking for, a chance to work but still travel back and forth between Colorado and Alabama.

*sighs and scratches at head* And I've just heard from one of the few ladies I like in this place that her last day here will be the 13th of November.

I've got $4800 in my retirement account, with a 50% match if I take it out early....minus 20% for the Feds, and early withdrawl penalty of 15% or so. Plus state taxes. But it'll still be enough to bolster an $11 an hour income, plus there's no telling if I only get to work 40 hours a week, or if I can do more. *shrugs*

Regardless, I'll have enough to live on for a little while, and with Athena and Jennie both having jobs now....I think I can leave this job.

Telecommuting would give me the chance to get some things done at home that really need to be done, plus time to work on my writing and other things.

Funny how a single piece of information can make things seem so clear.

[WandererInGray]

*sighs* Well that offer turned out to be somewhat of a scam. They forwarded me on to a website that wanted me to pay $30 for an "application fee" to give me the job listings.

*shakes head* I honestly don't see the point in paying someone to give me something I can get myself in the job market.

So back to the drawing board.

Good news this morning is that I won't have to pay my health insurance premiums for the month of December....meaning my paycheck will be about $120 more than usual. Helpful for the holiday season.

Finances are mostly under control. *sigh of relief* Which is definately a good thing. It will be nice to finally be caught up and start looking forward.

[WandererInGray]

For the umpteenth time I've almost fallen asleep on my way to work.

...obviously this is not a good thing when you are the one who's driving.

*sighs* When did an hour drive become so hard?

This is starting to worry me...what if next time I actually fall asleep, instead of just "almost"?

Goddess I need to get out of here.

[WandererInGray]

Well that is pretty conclusive evidence that I should not associate with humans right after I get up. *soft smile* Apologies to my Love for being short-tempered when you called this morning. I just don't function well right out of sleep. And added hassels like the cell phone not working just add to my grumpiness.

Thanks, mucho mucho thanks to Mely this morning for loaning me the Harry Potter CDs......it made the drive go really well (and quickly!) and I didn't get sleepy once.
Guess I'm gonna have to hit the library and check out some books on CD, néh?

I've found one appealing free-lance opportunity, and another poetry contest (though it cost $25 for the entry fee, so I don't know that I can afford it).

Today is for finding my center, getting a little work and a little writing done.

I remain yours, oh Great Ones.
Namasté

[WandererInGray]

*lights a candle and a stick of incense, bowing low before the altar of Kali-Ma*

A summer camp I used to attend, encouraged us to write out goals for the year in four main categories....and then mail these goals to ourselves so that we would get them in the middle of the year.

Mental, Spiritual, Physical, Social...and to these I shall add Financial and Career.

Mental: I'd like to start studying Russian again...even if only as a past-time and even if it's only reading and writing, not speaking. I'd also like to start reading some older literature again to give me a better base for my writing.

Spiritual: I don't know where I'm going yet...but I think I'd like to attend a Buddhist retreat and get off my duff to go to the Hindu temple in Denver that I was told about.

Physical: I still want to lose these 70 pounds, but more than that...I want to make working out a daily routine, not a chore that I can easily avoid. I want eating right to be a habit for me, not a hurdle. I feel like I've made some progress with this already as fast food does not hold the appeal it once did.

Social: I really need to get out more. I'd like to find a job where I make some more friends, have places to go in the evenings and weekends, and people to call just to hang out with.

Financial: Things are in such a bind right now, finance wise that it's difficult to concentrate on anything but surviving at the moment. But, if we get that money from the insurance company and if I quit my job, I vow to do two things. Start a savings account with a $1000 in it, and get the BoA card & CUVisa cards completely paid off and closed.
Also for every thing that I buy and bring into the house, I need to remove something of mine at the same time, either to give away to family/friends, or to charity, or even sell. But I'd like to concentrate on downsizing the amount of *stuff* that I'm carrying around with me.

Career: I want to enter some contests for my poetry. I also need to finish with the editing of this first book, start working dilligently on the second, and start sending out query letters again for agents. I need to be more focused and dedicated at this if I really want to do it for a living.
Beyond that, I need to make a decision which is more important. Having a lot of money to mess around with, or having the time to myself to work uninterrupted on this writing. *sighs and shrugs* That is something I will be thinking long and hard about this winter.

The deadline is December 31st. Make a choice and either get away from the edge for good, or jump.

[WandererInGray]

*kneels before the altar in silence*

Oh great Goddess....help us divine the path we should chose. Let us not become paralized by our past mistakes and hasty judgement. We need to make a decision on this, let us make the one which will benefit us the most.

I need your help, because I do not know which way to go. My personal needs and desires point in one way, but I feel as though it is at the expense of my dear sister, and I do not want to do that if it is so.

Please, show us the way to go.

Namasté

[WandererInGray]

*settles down in the lotus position before the altar of Lord Rama, Sita, and Hanuman*

Oh Great Ones....help me to be loving and wise.
We enter into the winter, the time of quiet and self-inspection. Help me use this time wisely to work on myself, and those faults of mine that hinder me.

I still stand here in the darkness, and need to take a step one way or the other. Do I leave this (relative) security for a lower paying job that will give me more freedom? Or do I stay in this job that continues to bleed my spirit dry?

*snorts* Well if you put it that way, the other choice sounds much more appealing, doesn't it?

I really will be okay if I take this jump. I really will.

*bows low, pressing her head to the cool marble*

I am in your care Great Ones, walk with me a while.

[WandererInGray]

*soft sigh* Mely's school is closing the end of the month.
Nallia had to turn down a $43k job offer because she can't drive a car until Feb. 2003.
We have one car in the garage not being used, one that I'm driving over 500 miles a week on. $600 a month for the both of them, plus another $100 for insurance.

A cell phone bill of $200

My credit card bills which I won't even get into.

And a rent payment of $1295 a month.

I make less than $2000 after taxes.

*trying not to burst into tears*

Why are you doing this to us?

[WandererInGray]

*everything is packed carefully into boxes....the candles, incense, statues stored away....shattered remants of a broken faith*

*the Wanderer stands, broken but unbowed in the center of the room, her gray cloak wrapped about her, her hair tangled and face streaked with tears as she speaks the words that are the death of her faith*

"You have betrayed me and I don't believe in you anymore."

*she walks from the cabin into the cool night air and picks up her pack....without looking back, she waves a hand and the cabin bursts into flames*

[Phoenix Blue]

**Phoenix lands amid the ashes and sits for a long while, contemplating**

There are no ends in life, save for the very last. And even that is not an end to the ones who hold us dear in their hearts.

There is a life beyond today, beyond tomorrow, that holds an untold promise. For when you have fallen to the very bottom, the entire Universe opens to you. When you realize that you are nothing, you gain the potential to become anything.

I love you, Wanderer in Gray. I love you more than anything in the world. I love you enough to have endured flames not unlike these, and arisen from ashes not unlike these, that I might walk by your side and call your heart my home.

The times we're most tempted to throw away our faith are the times we need it most. . .

[Lyntwyn]

Wanderer, You have always been so strong and so sure. Maybe this is the valley where another will come to know her stregnth by all your examples and take up the spear and sword in your stead. Maybe in this you are the teacher and the student. You have taught well by example and now must learn to let them handle it. By Phoenix and Mely's response the strong hearts and shoulders are present and willing. You are blessed.
And while I am not as close in bond as they are I am a friend and as such add my voice to theirs in support. You are an extraordinary woman and you will have an extraordinary life.

[Azure]

*takes Honor's tear stained face in her hands and kisses her forehead like a child*

If you believe in nothing else, believe that there are people who love you. It may not seem like much, but it is something worth having.