I don't give a f*ck who sees this. (icky energy, you might not want to read)

[Sequoia]

like the title says. This is a rant. And it may have swearing. So deal with it. I'm entitled.

I hate him. I hate him i hate him i hate him. I hate him for introducing me to friendship. I hate him for introducing me to love. I hate him for introducing me to magick. I hate him I hate him I hate him for that first kiss. I hate him for touching me. I hate him for falling in love with me. I hate him for letting me fall in love with him. I hate him because I love him so much it hurts so bad. It hurts and I love him and I feel so lonely I just want to hate him so maybe i wont hurt so bad

we were supposed to be together forever it was supposed to be impossible to break us it was supposed to not happen that we'd be apart or that we wouldnt be a couple he asked me to marry him, we called eachother pet names of husband and wife we loved eachother why why why

why do i love? why do i love him so much? why do i love my friends so much??? why? why am I loving? it hurts!!! it hurts to love!!! now we're friends and i hurt so bad!

he was my first everything! first love first kiss first 1-year first . . . . *cries* it's not right! it's not fair! we're supposed to be happy forever! it's supposed to be smoothe sailing! i belived it i belived we'd always be happy together i belived we could get through anything i belived he'd always love me i know i'll always love him why don't i feel the warmth in his hug anymore? why can't i give him the light in his eyes like she can? why is it that when i finally had a friend of my own, and i introduced him to her and within a month he and i are seperated and she's having trouble with her fiance? why why what did i ever do why am i this bad luck why am i so bad why why why why WHY?!?!????

IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT RIGHT! LOVE!!!!!! what happened to LOVE?!? what happened to him holding me? what happened to him being the strong one?! why do I sentance myself to being happy on the outside so that I know he can be? why do i love him so much that i'm willing to hurt without ever saying, so that he can have that light in his eyes again? Why do I have to give up my dream because I love him so?? why do I have to be seperated from teh ones I love the most?!?! Why do I have to watch the others bring the light out in their eyes? why am i such a bad luck why does my caring always bring others pain why why why it's not fair it's just not fair i'm such a curse it's not fair why can't i have love? why can't someone love me as i love them? what's so wrong with just wanting to love someone without loosing them somehow, in part or in full, eventually or soon? I'm even afraid to love my remaining friends now, to talk to them, eventually won't I drive them away as well? they'll stop loving me? i'll loose them and have to watch from afar as others make them happy???? why am I me?!?! WHY?!?!?

. . . why. . . .

[Earthcup]

((((Puma))))

I've been there. There worst part is I don't even have the luxury of hating my ex-b/f, he's too damn adorable even when he is a cheating liar.:(

[Sequoia]

*hugs*

if only i could go back in time a year. . . just a year. . . I could change it. . . just missing one trip, and it might have been different. . . *sighs* and would have beens and could have dones and i wish I hads are the bane of existance.. . .

[Earthcup]

I dunno if I'd change anything even if I could..... when it was good it was very very good but when it was bad it was devastating..

I take a little comfort in the fact that he's unhappily married.... well maybe a little more than just a little pleasure.. *wicked grin*

[buttercup]

((((PUMA))))
I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain. I have been in a similar situation. I know it doesn't help but I want you to know that it does get better. When I was 20 I was sure that my my boyfriend and I were going to be married. We had planned it all out and talked about it and I just KNEW it would always be perfect. Well, a year into our relationship.....we broke up. We stayed friends and it killed me to see him move on quickly and find happiness while I was still trying to put my heart back together. It took a long time....but it did happen. It will for you too. Looking back I can see that all that pain really changed me. Every experience we have does. But it changed me and I evolved into the person I am now. The woman I am. The woman who my husband married. Without that experience in my life, I would not have been in a place to recognize who and what I was looking for in a mate when the Fates dropped my husband in front of me.
As I said, I know it doesn't ease the pain but will come through this. I will be lighting a candle for you this evening and you will be in my prayers.
~May the mother wrap you in her arms and wipe away your tears.

-buttercup

[Sequoia]

thank you both. . . *HUGS TIGHT*

I guess. . . one of the nastier heart-wrenching parts is that I'd been having visions for a while. . . I get them sometimes, of future events and I forget about them for a while, and then when they happen I remember when I'd seen them before. . . . well, the thing is. . . I've been having visions of what his and my daughter would. . . will. . . *sigh* see what I mean? will look like. . . her name's Ashly, she's got his eyes and my face lol. . . I can see her and her brother and sister, I can practically project myself there. . . . . and I start wondering, what then am I seeing? Do I keep up hope? Do I just drop it all and let the fates guide me? I just don't know what to do. I feel so stupid because of what little ideas I have of fates and destiny and . . . uhg!! what a mess!!! *sighs* *great big sigh* life is a great big tangled web mess, isn't it?

[Flar's Freyja]

Puma, first, it is healthy to rant and vent and ask for support. My ex-husband was my first love. We met when we were 16. We were separated for five years when I left home at 18 and got back together. We had three beautiful children and he beat the s**t out of me and cheated on me for 12 years. After leaving about 7 times, I finally decided that he was the one who was leaving, and I never took him back. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, and my dream was for my kids to have a "normal" family. Obviously, I did not get that. He moved in with another woman three houses down the street and I was unable to move for six months, so I had to see that every day. He refused to pay child support and I was forced to go on welfare although I had a job. I hated God, I hated him, I hated love, I hated everything - your words were mine words at that time. It was eight years before we could even speak to each other. I had to make a conscious decision to forgive and be civil to him for the sake of our sons, who wanted a relationship with him. Even after all of that, I still love him. He was my first and only real true love. We divorced 14 years ago. During this time, I have had to look at why I continue to make very bad choices in men. None have been as bad as he was, but the basic personality defects are always there, and I have a consistent pattern of picking men who are emotionally unavailable. 14 years later I am still single and at times it is very depressing.

However - I went back to school and achieved my Master's degree. I was awarded the most prestigious award in my graduate college. I landed a job where I received a great deal of recognition, although not a lot of money. I invested my time in myself and my sons, attending all of their academic and athletic events. I have raised three very fine young men (okay, the Gemini is a little unstable, but hey, he's a Gemini). I have explored past issues in my life through study, support and therapy and was finally led to this path. I have wonderful friends, an interesting job and lots of interests. I am blessed to belong to a pagan community where there is a lot going on, always something to do. I have grown and developed spiritually. I have gotten to know and love myself and believe that I deserve the best. And I know and trust that the goddess will provide the love that I not only want but deserve when the time is right, and that it will be perfect.

Yes, you are hurting and angry. You may be dealing with the loss of a dream, rather than the loss of your actual partner. You may be grieving your dream of what you wanted the relationship to be, what you wanted your life to be. You expected it to last forever. When you have healed a bit, take a look back and explore all of the things that led to this. You may end up realizing that you don't even want him back.

I believe that you are trying to deal with it in a healthy way. Please take advantage of all spiritual avenues available to you to help you heal. Open yourself to accepting what will be to your greatest good. It could very well be that your relationship will be healed, if this is what is right for you both. Use your energy to love yourself in ways that no one else can provide. And when you're ready, take the time to explore what happened and try to learn from it so that your next relationship is what you want and deserve.

[buttercup]

Puma,

Your visions may be an attempt to hold on to what you're not wanting to let go of. I once told my ex that I couldn't imagine having children with anyone but him. I held onto that even after I thought I had gotten over him. I said I never wanted to have children and would never get married because I just couldn't see how you could promise to commit to one person when things could go wrong like it did with him. *smile* I have been married for eight years and have two great kids with the most wonderful man I could have imagined. It was hard to let go of the happy ending I had created in my mind with my ex. I had to though.
I am not saying this is the case with you. I don't know all of your circumstances. But just think about it. Take some time for yourself. Be Puma, not Puma-and-boyfriend. Pamper yourself. Put all the energy you gave to him to yourself and see where you are a little bit down the road. THEN, see what you want to do.

[Sequoia]

thanks guys. . . *nods* that all makes sense. . . . *HUGS ALL!!* thank you so much for your support. . . I'll make it

[Rubi Waters]

*Hugs to you Puma*
Just hold tight and things will work out one way or another.

[SimplyStrange]

Probably isn't the thing you want to hear right now, but hey, what doesn't kill us only makes us stonger...

But for now, you have me. You know I'll always be here Pumie! Just b!tch b!tch all you want! :D

Or if all else fails, you could just rip off his manhood and shove it so far up his nose that it stabs his brain... :p

Heh, or not...

::hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs::

XOXOXOXOXO

You know we love you Pumie, and if you ever need anyone, just PM me, or email me, or whatever. :)

[WandererInGray]

*wraps Puma in a soft warm blanket, a deep gray with silver sparkles and then hugs tightly*

Oh Hon....*soft smile*...there's not much to say, except I'm sorry you're hurting and the pain will fade...it may not go away entirely but it's there to remind you that good comes with bad.

It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. *smiles* I've done all three, and I do truly believe that.

[SimplyStrange]

Pumie, speaking from the same type of experience...

it does get better... :) Just remember that you have many friends who love you. :) love you Pumie *smooch on da' cheek*

[Nina]

nearly everyone I've ever met has gone through something of what you're feeling now. That doesn't help you right now, I know, but it's almost a rite of passage, I think. When I was 20, I fell in love, and it didn't work out. And it hurt. I woke up every morning, and the first 10 seconds was great, then I remembered that I wasn't with him any more, and life was very hard for a while.

The pain will go, and you'll be able to remember the good times with fondness, a little sadness, and you won't regret the time you spent together.

In the meantime - rant, rave, write poetry, listen to sad songs, cry - do what makes you feel better, and remember, we're here for you. {{{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}}}

[Sequoia]

mmm. . . nice blankie. . . nice nice blankie


thanks guys. . . LOL SS, calm down! Why destroy a perfectly good manhood? lol I don't wanna think about dealing with all that blood! ;)

thank you all, especially for listening. . . and for the hugs. . .


tommorrow I think I'm going to give him the ring back. .. a promise ring. . . lol. . . . every time I see it it just makes me sad and sort of lost-feeling. I don't want to keep it. And my friend Cami had given me a heart locket for he ad I . . . I have picture of us in it. . . dono whta to do with it, now. . . I can't give it to her, it was a gift. . . but I don't want to keep it. . . *le sigh* and I need to get my anime videos back from him. . . ah thinking about it all makes me sick to my stomach. It'll get better. I need chocolate. An eclair maybe. How about a vacation to the bahamas? ^_~

[Nina]

...take me with you!

Seriously, I would keep both the ring and the locket. Give them to a member of your family to keep safe for you, and tell them not to let you have them back for a while. I destroyed all the pictures of me and my first love together, and I really regret it now, 12 years on. Maybe you could do a little ritual with them, say goodbye to them, before you ask someone to keep them for you? Just a thought, hun. Anyway, the chocolate is a fantastic idea. Chocolate is the universal panacea - especially rich swiss chocolate with hazlenuts in...*starts drooling on the keyboard*...

[Dancin Girl]

Ahhhhh Puma I can't think of much more to say that hasn't already been said, almost all of us have been through this once or twice or even more before and felt the same way you do right now. Love does hurt but without knowing the pain, we would never be able to appreciate the joy. My suggestion for the locket and any other small things that you find hurt too much to look at right now, is pack them away in a box and put the box away some where deep in your closet for now until you can more calmly decide what to do with them. I know the first temptation and reaction is to toss and trash those sentimental momentos and memories, but they are also momentos of experiences in your life... and one day maybe even years from now, you can look in that box and remember the joy and the good parts, you can remember the friendship fondly.

Now, have a whole box of chocolate!!

[Sequoia]

. . . *nods* *drops the locket + ring into her "old stuff" purse and tucks it back into her desk drawer* well at least I can't see 'em anymore. . . *le sigh* lol

[flar7]

How about some more (((((HUGS))))) It is very hard when
the one you love leaves you for your friend. This is how I lost my
wife. And the hardest part is hope. You have hope. They will
come back. Then they dont. But maybe. No. The rebirth and
death of hope is the greatest poison at the end of a relationship.

Hope is not a fragile thing, it refuses to die. You can smother it
down for awhile, and yet it can resurface, even years later. I
have no definite answers. It does get better, but it still hurts. I
still love my wife, and with the same breath am bitter. I wish
them happiness, and at the same time, not so much so. If it is
meant to be, it will happen. I do believe this though, it is very
very easy to fall in love again with anyone. All you have to do is
look and be willing to commit your heart and trust to them. The
trust is the only difficult part.

I hope you get what you need Puma, and I pray that it is what
you want.:) I am here always! or at least until mol kicks me out!
:rotfl:sometimes you gotta laugh...

[Flaire-FireStar]

Here's some more *HUGZ* :(

My first "love" was a guy I met on a chatline. He was from Virginia & was several years older than I was at the time. About 5 months into the relationship, after a swift moving one at that, things started to fall apart. He wouldn't reply to any of my e-mails and never seemed to be around anymore. Finally on March 31 I met up with him in the chat we always went to - there, he told me a story of this girl he liked before he met me, and what happened...then he broke my heart. It took a while for it to sink in, but I was devastated (honestly, 2 hours after he left I started to realize what happened and I wanted him back..) I still love him very much, and it took me a long time to get over him..Somehow I managed to persuade myself to go without liking anyone else for another 6 months, but never got together with anyone until nearly 2 years later. I did speak to him in June of that year - he was going to Georgia for college, I just wanted to tell him that I wanted him back, but his e-mail addy quit working and that was the last time I spoke with him. To this day, I still cry for him. He made me feel so special, I don't know why, but there was something about him that no one I've met since then has had.

Another story I have is of a friend of mine which I've liked for 3 years now.. And although I can't force myself not to like him (I've tried!) I know that I probably won't have a chance with him. We have great chemistry and everything, just that he's interested in my friend Jess - and has been for quite a while. But the first heartache I felt from him was when he announced suddenly he was going to as one of my other friends, Lisa out. Then I felt like something just stabbed me through the chest and I remained quiet for the rest of the night (gladly I was with a group of people, so no one really noticed, I don't think). The second heartache I got from him was when he started dating my best friend at the time, Natalie. I tried not to be around them when they were dating, it drove me crazy. Fortunately (for me anyway), they broke up only a few weeks later, and then he stopped dating anyone else for awhile - boy was I glad or what! At a teen camp we were both at, he was feeling kinda depressed, so I spent most of my time trying to cheer him up - I always am a loner at camps (:rolleyes: It's my style to give myself a bad name there) - and there we really became closer friends...Ate together, sat around the campfire together, etc.. I really started to feel like I had a chance with him. NOT SO....Not yet anyway. A few weeks ago, he started to show an interest in my neighbour and friend... Another stab to my chest.. *sighish* :dis: Only one of my friends knows that I like him - and I'm dying to tell him, except when we talk now, we're always in a group of friends...and we don't talk on the phone at all - he works the late shift and I'm usually out like a light by the time he's done working. :rolleyes:
I think I've rambled on enough...

But, Puma....Just rant and rave as much as you need to to get him off your chest. Don't be afraid to cry either, just get that frustration out. :)

[Faery-Wings]

Puma, will I squish you with more hugs? Hope not cuz you are going to get them!

As everyone said, BTDT. Same thing happened to me and god it was hard. But, if not for him dumping me, I wouldn't have dropped out of school, moved back home, registered at an all girls Catholic college (can it get any worse?? LOL) and made friends with a girl who took me to her ex boyfriend's new girl friends B-day party, where I.....drumroll to the end of this..... met the man I married!

Hang in there sweetie. Remember we are all here for you. PM me if you ever need another hug or a rant.

Blessings to you.

Chris

[Man/Wolf]

Puma, here is a thought: He is the one who let you go. It is his loss. Don't worry darlin', there are plenty of men out there who will consider themselves lucky to have a woman who loves as strongly as you do. He wasn't the one. The right one is out there and when the time is right, you will meet him and both of you will be zapped. Although you won't forget this one (you aren't supposed to forget first love), he will be a fond memory because the right one will make you forget all the pain.
Some say love isn't supposed to be easy. I disagree. With the right person, it is as easy as falling off a log.

^..^

[Flar's Freyja]

Oh, break my heart,
please ~ break it again ~
please, one more time ~
so that I can learn to love more and better next time.

(From Angeles Arrien's Gathering Medicine)

[JuNiPeR]

Aww sweetie. *Hugs* I'm sorry. Man-wolf is right.... its his loss :)
Losing someone you love is so hard. And I think most of us have been through it. But stay strong hun. It'll all get better :) And If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.

[Sequoia]

*HUGS TO ALL!!*

I suppose. . . lol I will keep an open mind. I want to belive with all my heart that he's the only one ever for me. . . but I"ll keep my mind open. It couldn't hurt. . . :) I"ll live!

[Dancin Girl]

:bubbles: :loveduv: :crylaugh: Yes, You certainly will live!!! if it lost loves and broken heart killed, we'd all be dead by now!!!:hearteyes

[Desert_Shadow]

{{{{HUGS}}}!!!
It really will get better in time, but it still hurts so damn much. It doesn't get much better with age either. It took me 2 years to get over my last partner in life. Hang in there sweetie!!!

[Alphyna]

Wishing you much love and peace within. Remeber that this is not a personal attack on your self worth. It just was not meant to be at this moment in time. Perhaps you have both played your roles in eachothers lives, and it is now time to grow and learn from this experience, to help prepare you for your next level in life. Your destiny is out there, and in time you will understand all hardships in your life. I myself had the similar experience. I do know how devastating it can be, but I needed to find my strength inside, so that I could open myself up to TRUE love. It isn't true unless it is equal. But you are a beautiful person, on your own path, his path crossedyours, and now it is time to find yourself without him. It is a good thing. Not the pain and hurt, but the freedom it allows you to spend time with you, as you. Get to know yourself again, and always remember that you have countless friends here at MW. I know the hurt is still fresh, but we will help you through this time, and soon you will see the good again! :) Lots of Love and Peace to You Puma!
Alphyna

[Twig]

even "icky" energy is a breath of fresh air. If there is anything I can do to help just let me know

Peace,
Twig
:elf:

[Sequoia]

lol thank you, twig. . . that's sweet lol

[SimplyStrange]

Originally posted by Puma Hime

thanks guys. . . LOL SS, calm down! Why destroy a perfectly good manhood? lol I don't wanna think about dealing with all that blood! ;)


Teeheehee, Puma, just a thought ;) Made you smile though, and that's what's important. Just remember the things that make you happy, and as everyone else here has been saying, you will not regret being with him. Again, just remember that we love you, and though it hurts, it will heal and you can always rant and rave all you want to me, I'm always here. :D For now, just sit down with a hershey's bar and think about all the things that make you happy, all the good things in life... like Hersheys... mmmm... sweet sweet Hersheys.... :eek: I mean, get well soon Puma :)