Conversing with my Parents and Beloveds

[Ahautenites]

**lights a candle in set in the middle of a row of gleaming golden statues (Amun-Ra, Bast, Set, the candle, Yinepu-Wepwawet, Seshat-Nit-Nebt-het, Heru-wer)**

So tired. Remind me again why this is worth it? I have my literature midterm tonight, and I'm so stressed out. I have a pimple over each eyebrow, two on my scalp and a wicked painful one right on the tip of my nose... all from stress. I want so badly to do well. Especially in this class, as it's part of my major. I read the entire Odyssey this weekend, out loud, so I would have better memory retention (also, it was the only way to keep myself awake). Heck, I even drank a full 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke to keep me up. I've been narrating parts of my own life with catch phrases from The Odyssey. ("All good things laid before her, and once she'd put aside her hunger and thirst, Jenn of the fat ankles and pizza face, like a long-tailed cat finding itself trapped in a room full of rocking chairs, it twitches its tail in agitation and searches for a way out, but finding none, it creeps carefully, ever-watchful, obsessively, knowing full well that the chance of clean escape are slim, and screaming now with frustration, edges ever more closely to its inevitable and painful conclusion. So was Jenn of the fat ankles and pizza face creeping obsessively about her studies, heading dread-full toward her own inevitable,. painful conclusion... the midterm.") See what I mean?

And what's just as bad is the Agamemnon play. I read it once already, but I didn't realize until we saw segments of it performed on a video a the last class that it had this cadence, this meter, that really was obvious when the words are spoken (because there's a drum beat that accompanies it). So, now that I'm halfway done rereading these 50 pages, I keep thinking of things and talking to myself in terms of that beat. (Buh-DUH, buh-DUH, buh-DUH, buh-DUH, Buh-DUH!......... Buh-DUH, buh-DUH, buh-DUH, buh-DUH, Buh-DUH! ......... Buh-DUH, buh-DUH, buh-DUH, buh-DUH, Buh-DUH (?).......... Buh-duh-DUH!)

I've got to do my homework for the test.
I won't do well on this examination.
I don't know why I try--- I'll only flop.
................................How it sucks!



See what I mean? I keep doing that in my head. It's driving me batty.

I still need to review my notes and I need to check out the links the professor gave us online because she says they'll be on the exam. And now I find I can't look at the site online because it's a "Discussion forum" and therefore Websense blocks it. **sighs**

Steve (my boss) got into a conversation with me about teaching, and he said his wife is a high school teacher. She teaches economics in a New Hampshire high school. He says he can't believe how disrespectful kids are these days, and how he could never be one, because he'd end up hitting them. **frowns** I know this isn't going to be an EASY job at all, but for some weird reason, I still want to do this. It's not that I originally wanted to to be an English teacher. What I really want is to be a guidance couselor. But I can't do that unless I teach, too, because they usually pull from the establish teacher pool. Well, the only thing I can think of that I can teach is English. It's the subject I show the most hope of being able to teach. It's not like I could be a biology teacher or a math teacher or even a history teacher. I would be able to teach high school level Spanish classes, but I don't want to go through that degree program or have a second-language internship.

**frowns at the candle flame, and gazes at the face of each statue in turn** I guess I'm just tired. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to go back to school and maintain a full-time job. I was feeling on top of the world about it when college first started, but that was before Jessi left, before Melissa left, and before Nancy left. Now, I have to do parts of their jobs along with my own work, and I am so stressed out.

My mom says I was in an extremely silly mood this morning from lack of sleep. So she says that she'll talk to me today, but that she probably won't talk to me again until at least Thursday because she knows I'm about to turn into an absolute she-beast from hell from all the sleep deprivation.

I like literature. And on this second reading of the Odyssey, it's actually pretty enjoyable (well, until one has done nothing else with one's entire weekend except swill diet soda and recite an insanely long poem). But I worry that I'm either going to forget everything I relearned, or else I'm going to confuse things, or worse, I will remember everything that most people would ever need to know about these stories, but yet, none of that most salient infomation would be on the test.... than instead, she'll concentrate on the most obscure parts and I won't know any of it.

All I want is a C in my history class. But I want a B or better in my literature class. And I think I'm going to end up doing just the opposite.

I'm worried that I'll fail and have wasted my money on this semester and be unable to continue on to next semester. I worry that I won't do well enough for it to be worthwhile to continue this trek toward becoming an English teacher.

But I *want* this. I know the stress sucks. I know the kids will be nasty little buggers. But I want this. Not because I have any grand notions that kids are going to come into my class and magically become brilliant and attentive students who live for English grammar and literature. Hell no. I want this because I enjoy literature, and because I want to be in the right place at the right time to be there for even just one young person per year who needs an ear and an older/wiser head to listen to them and make suggestions to them. That one person per year *would* make all the daily grief worthwhile.

And yes, after all this time at my company, not being able to take off for most holidays, and not getting very much vacay time, I really DO want this particular benefit to the teaching profession.

**rubs face wearily** I'm tired and I'm griping. Thanks for listening and letting me vent.

**henu** Senebty.

[Ahautenites]

Thank You!

All that time and effort paid off. I kicked literary butt. :D I filled up three whole blue books with my answers and there was nothing on there I didn't know. Well, of the sections that count the most, anyway. On the 10-point theatre section, I knew the basic definitions of those theatre terms, but not enough to draw diagrams. But whatever. Even if I don't know that crap very well, who cares? I knew the whole Odyssey and the story of Agamemnon. And since I'm studying LITERATURE, not THEATRE, I don't really give a crap.

I was so happy at the end of the exam that when I came through the door at home last night, I sang "We Are The Champions" at the top of my voice.

So. Tonight I need to study for my history exam tomorrow night. But the pressure is off, because with that one, even if I don't study, I know I'll get at least a C. And since it's only the state requiring me to take and pass this course, passing is all that matters. I still plan to do my best, but it's nowhere near as crucial that I get a GOOD grade as that literature exam was.

So, W00t!!!


**edited to add this for when I want to remember it later**

I'm still thinking about the day when I will have a great job as a teacher, and have my own beautiful home with a nice bit of land around me... a vegetable garden and lots of flowers, deer roaming through my yard, playing my baby grand piano for my own enjoyment, having an altar room, and a spare bedroom. Having a big basement where I can do my laundry and exercise and work on art projects, and also... an air hockey table and maybe a pool table. A nice living room where I can put my tree, a fireplace to keep things toasty warm and cozy. My own bathroom. My own garage for my vehicle and my power tools and my recycling bins. A queen size bed. Walk-in closets. A full-size kitchen with adjacent dining area (or at least room for a kitchen table) My kitchen will be in cobalt blue, hunter green, and rich red, with accents of golden yellow. And roosters. Brick tiles on the floor and possibly on the backsplash, too. :-D Lots of brass and wrought iron. Black stove and sink and fridge. Or else brushed stainless steel. No idea what to do for the rest of the house. Bring the green and the blue and some bronze into the living room. And some needlepoint florals that pick up those colors, as well as introducing a bit of lavender or violet? Stained glass window hanger or fireplace screen? Mushroom or taupe and cream for the neutrals... understated but elegant. The faux suede material for the sofa and chairs, if only to keep Raja from ruining the material as easily. For my bathroom, I want a champaigne colored marble (real or fake is fine), violet and burgundy accents, mosaics either on one of the walls, or else a medallion on the floor, and chrome fixtures. A rainshower showerhead. Wall sconces for holding votives (I've got them already), and other ones for holding red and lavender bettas. My bedroom in green and cream. The altar room in rich blues and neutrals, with lots of gold accents and lots of plants and Egyptian art.

[Ahautenites]

**worried frown** Great Ones, please don't let me be getting *another* staph infection. The one I had this summer was bad enough.

[Ahautenites]

**frustrated** I just don't understand this.... Why did I get an abscess in the first place? And why am I possibly getting another one?? They ruled out diabetes, and I'm not unclean. I've never gotten these before. What is WRONG with me?

Well, for now, I'll doing the only thing I can do: put hot wet compresses on it to hopefully draw out the infection without needing a trip to the hospital ever again. (That's if it really is what I fear it is. I could just be a pimple -- goodness knows I've had enough of them this past week from all the stress of the midterms.) I don't WANT to go to the hospital ever again. I don't want to be on those horrible antibiotics (well, the antibiotic wasn't so bad... it was the resulting yeast infection that sucked).

Is it something at work? Is this staph strain present at work? Am I overreacting? Will I need to get a job somewhere else? **brows knitted** But no one else at work has this... It has to be something about me. What am I not doing right? Why am I having this problem?

This one seems smaller (for now) and at least it's not on my lower stomach. This one is in a non-embarrassing spot over the lower ribs on my left side.

**ETA** Well, at least the Internet is full of useful advice. The last time, I thought it was a spider bite, and so I used an ice compress because I saw the horrifying pictures of brown recluse bites. This time, hot wet compresses several times a day are the treatment. I don't think I'll need to go to the hospital. The sites online say that it can take up to 10 days of hot-wet compress 15-minute seesion 4-5 times a day before the infection is drawn out to drain on its own. Cool. I can do that. The last time, when I was using ice, I ended up making things worse, because it made the infection go deeper, toward my inner warmth, instead of outward, toward the greater warmth of the compress.

[Ahautenites]

Thank You, so far, for making this thing not be getting worse. The other one developed into something really painful and awful very quickly. This one is just a small, slightly painful lump. I'll keep up with hot compresses, but I just need to not overdo the heat part. Yesterday, the water I used was from the hot water dispenser at work (which is, like, two degrees under boiling), and I ended up a little scalded by accident. Fortunately, I do heal very quickly, so most of the skin is back to normal again.

In other news, our logistics department at work just got news yesterday that their jobs are about to be terminated. I'm not supposed to know, but Regina is a friend of mine, and she's devastated. She's worked SO HARD for this company, despite my constantly telling her that this place is not worth her loyalty. I'm sorry that once again, the company has proved me right. **shakes head** I'm glad she lives at home with her folks, and that she's not hurting at all financially, but it still sucks. I felt so bad that I even said I'd speak with my boss about possibly becoming the Marketing Assistant, just so Regina can have my job (which I'd be able to train her for because I'm right here). I don't *want* that other job, but it's better than my not having *anyone* here at work to talk to. She was the only person here at work that I consider a friend. **sad expression** It's just so unfair.

I may start looking for a new job myself. I can see that all they're doing here is finding new ways of downsizing for the eventual merger, and eventually, my own job will be obsolete, too. I need to stick it to them before they stick it to me. Because they will, in an instant, the moment they see fit to do so.

**ponders** Or maybe I really should just stick it out here for the convenience of it, and then substitute teach and do temp work and a part-time job while going to school. All it would be is the moving up of the time schedule of my own personal plans anyway. And it's not like I wouldn't get a job soon, anyway. It sucks to be a temp, but they're easy jobs to come by in this state. **shrugs** And if worse came to worst, I could always ask my dad to talk to the lady he knows who has her own body removal service. (The Dismal Trade is still an interest of mine. If the teaching thing doesn't work out, I don't mind dead people. They're a lot less annoying than living ones.)

I need to lose more weight. The stress of the last few weeks has caused me to stuff food along with emotions. I hate it that I do that. Other people stress out and LOSE weight. Not me. I have to be deathly ill (or at least olfactorily impaired, because if I can't smell and taste the food, what's the point of eating it?) before I won't eat.

Well, anyway..... Great Ones, please watch over Regina and Pete. I know they'll be fine, but please tell Whoever Guides Them to remember what good people they are, and how hard-working, and help them get through this difficult time. And let them find something really awesome to do that is more worthy of them... a place that treats them far better than this company ever could do. They're both more than worthy.

[Ahautenites]

Thank You for for the 76 on the midterm! Thank You for the excellent parking space. Thank You for letting this week be almost over. And thank You for everyone who matters to me.

[Ahautenites]

I treated myself to some retail therapy in the form of a Southwestern style sterling silver and Cape amethyst cuff bracelet (see attachment) from QVC. I haven't had a nice cuff bracelet since I left Colorado, because I lost one of the stones in that bracelet, and I've been wanting a new piece of jewelry.

Things are up in the air because of this pre-announcement that it's probably a done-deal that Clayton, Dublier, & Rice (CD&R for short) is buying my company. They owned us before when we were Alliant Foodservice, and now, apparently they're probably going to own us again as of Monday. People in the office who remember that regime say CD&R is a waaaaay better parent company than Royal Ahold. (Ahold doesn't give a flying fig about its American employees. CD&R apparently does.)

**shrugs** Being out of work for a while would be an interesting change of pace. I'd almost welcome it, I'm so tired. I'm not sure if that's depression, the need for a vacation, or my inner Need For Change talking.

Have I ever talked about that Need for Change? Set kids are generally tossed about by the whims of our Father. (He always has a purpose... He just generally would rather we figure out what that purpose is along the way.) But we also have His constant need for Change. I dread change. But I also crave it. I get bored so easily.

In other news, the more I think about this whole depression thing, the more I wonder if my intense desire for solitude and isolation isn't really just me craving to get away from everything/everyone stressful to me, for a long enough time for my body to correct the internal imbalances that long-duration stress has caused. I dunno.

I still can't believe I passed that history midterm. I may actually achieve my goal for the class (to get a B+, which would be impressive, given my abysmal track record in history class grades).

I need to write a paper this weekend about why Alexander Hamilton should be Time's Man of the Year. And I need to read at least one play from the Oedipus Cycle, too. There's a written assignment on it, but she hasn't given us any explanation of what she wants yet.

There doesn't seem to be much hope of Regina getting shifted into another job at the company. I've asked if I could move into some other position and then train her in my job, but there's nothing open now that this sale has everyone on edge.

I wish it were lunchtime already so I could leave my desk for a bit.

Maybe I should save enough money, buy a lot of land, and raise goats for a living.

[Ahautenites]

**head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk, head-desk**

Grah!!!!! I've killed the print server at work.

Again.

[Ahautenites]

I'm in work hell. Still. The only benefit is that I'm getting at least 3.5 hours of overtime so far.

[Ahautenites]

**pours a shot of strawberry Smirnoff vodka for her Fathers, and takes a double for herself**

I watched "Kate & Leopold" today on TBS. I'd never seen it before, and since I'm not really a Hugh Jackman fan (I always liked the guy that played Cyclops better), I wasn't expecting much. I just figured I'd give it a shot because I like most of Meg Ryan's movies. But I found while I was watching it that I really liked the Leopold character, and I wasn't very fond of Kate at all. Men today aren't like Leopold. There's an air of genuine, unpretentious sophistication and graceful power in Leopold's character.

Actually, this movie couldn't have come at a better time. It showed an 18th century person experiencing life in our modernity. And this weekend, it's my job to "interview" Alexander Hamilton. A dead guy (aka one of the framers of the Constitution). Who lived around the same time as Leopold. It should be interesting. I got 11 books on him at the school library, a pamphlet on him that the professor of the class gave me, and a printout of the whole Wikipedia article on him. I find it interesting that the textbook says he's "charismatic" and has a "sparkling personality." Other sources say he has a "strong personality" and that he was not a good political leader.

All sources agree that he and Thomas Jefferson (who is the subject of the next paper the class will be writing about) were arch enemies. Jefferson was a dreamer and Hamilton had his feet firmly rooted in facts and figures (which is why he became our first Secretary of the Treasury).

The dude died in a duel. The stupid crap guys do for the sake of honor.

So.... Anwyay. Haggard... why do we care? Why is the sex life and meth life of an Evangelical leader more important than the end of sea life as we know it? And why is his stupidity more important for me to know about than the fact that Iran fired missiles at us?

**sighs and takes another swallow before eating a piece of Dove chocolate** I suppose not a damned bit of this even matters. I'm just here to watch it all unfold before I die. And if I can do anything useful before then, cool. If not, oh well.

Tuesday I get to go vote. I still don't know who I'm going to vote for. I thought I was going to vote for Duvall Patrick. I probably still will. But I have no idea who else is running for anything else that I'll be voting for. I think I'm just going to vote for anyone who isn't a Democrat or a Republican, and anyone who isn't an incumbent. I'm so tired of the rejects running the show now everywhere. I want them all gone. I want everything to start from scratch, or as close to "from scratch" as I can get without there having to be a new revolution.

Gotta love my dad... I show him an article that seems to say, "Yes, Jenn's a very depressed chick," and he sends me an e-mail telling me he'll be supportive of me, if I should choose to seek medical help. But today, of course, he's all, "Get to a doctor and get on some medication or something, because you're becoming a real pain in the ass." **** you, dad. Handed you another hurtful weapon to use against me every time you don't get your way, didn't I? **scowls darkly**

Oh. And guess what? **laughs humorlessly** Once again, he's got off the same frelling vacation week as I do. I get ONE week free of people, and the second week, he's home, too. I just can't win. Why? WHY is it SO HARD for me to have any time to myself??? (No. I can't take off any other week than that one because of the holidays and the rules about not being able to take off the week leading up to Christmas or the week leading up to New Year's.)

I tell you, when I'm finally through with this wretched existence, I am not going to reincarnate anytime soon, and there's no way I'm coming back here. When I'm Beyond, I'm going to create my own gorgeous home in the Berkshires... my fantasy home that I drew the layout to. And I'm just going to be there for a good long while, with just the spirits of my animal companions to keep me company. And maybe my loved ones from this life and other lives can visit sometimes. But other than that, I don't wanna see anyone else. I'm so tired of people constantly being there, being nice to me only if they think it will get them something.

Y'know, for all my bitchiness, I really am a nice person who will bend over backwards for people if they ask me to do something. And they walk all over me all the time. It's like I've the word "sucker" tattooed on my forehead. I'm so tired of people. I can't even imagine what it will be like to live in the world when there are twice or three times as many people. I don't think I could bear it. I can hardly stand it NOW, never mind with that many people.

I wonder who will become President? At this point, I'd really like Obama to win. I saw part of his interview on Oprah. He seemed very leaderly to me. Very unpretentious. He exuded a quiet confidence and at the same time an understated Presence. I liked that. I found myself instinctively trusting that. And his wife seemed like everything a First Lady ought to be. She was dignified and refined, without being a ferocious bitch like Kerry's wife. And yet she was also approachable.

I meant it when I said I'd move out of this country if another Bush wins the White House. I've got lots of bookmarks on going about getting my Canadian citizenship. I can't handle having Jeb Bush being either my President or my Vice President.

And gods.... I'm not sure what I'll do if Hillary wins. I actually voted for Bill, and I liked him as President, but I really don't like Hillary. She's so transparent. It's tacky and classless.

I actually found myself reading the entire Declaration of Independence last night. When I was in high school, we were only required to study the Preamble. There was so much more to the Dec. of Ind. than the Preamble. And I found myself reading it and making comparisons between King George III and President Bush. They had made comparable offenses, line by line. There were some atrocities that George III committed that Dubya hasn't (like the deliberate burning of cities), but there were far more similarities than I'm really comfortable with. I don't WANT a new revolution. The first one nearly wasn't successful at all, and the government-building (rebuilding) process was so difficult that our new sovereign country nearly collapsed, on numerous occasions. I really don't like the idea of living in times as interesting as that.

But there was a line of the Preamble that I read and thought, "No truer words have ever been spoken." That line was:

"Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed."

Then, I also found myself rereading the Constitution with a fresh eye. I had no idea just how many "gray areas" are in the Constitution. I actually grumbled and cursed them sometimes for the verbiage they used that was so vague and open-ended. What exactly does the government have the right to do in order to preserve Domestic Tranquility, or provide for the Common Defence and General Welfare. There were other, more insidious instances of vagueness that I think has been exploited, but looking again at the bookmarked Constitution page has reminded me of noncitizens and Right to Trial By Jury. The government is acting illegally when it doesn't let suspected terrorists have a trial. The Constitution knows perfectly well what the difference is between "citizen" and "person." A citizen is a person who IS a citizen of our country, and a person MAY be a citizen or may not. But still, that doesn't MATTER. According to that section of the Constitution (I'll find it in a sec), they mention "person," not "citizen" as having the right to trial by jury and representation and not being able to be held without being charged with a crime.

Why are we doing this? How is the government getting away with this?

Oh. And another thing I was reading.... "The House of Representatives shall choose their Speaker and other Officers; and shall have the sole Power of Impeachment."

Isn't THAT why everyone's really so interested in the election? If the Dems win the House this Tuesday, are they going to Impeach ("formally accuse") Bush and Cheney?

Gods, how I hate living with so much uncertainty in my life. There was never a more odious curse than, "May you live in interesting times."

I still can't believe that the average age of the Framers of the Constitution was 42 years old, and that Alexander Hamilton was only three years older than me when he suggested that the delegates get together to throw out the Articles of Confederation and make a new Constitution. I also can't believe what a windbag he was. The dude talked for FIVE HOURS STRAIGHT in order to try to pursuade them that government needed to be stronger than what the Constitution said it ought to be. (Glad no one listened to him. He was charming and charismatic, but he WAS a bit of an social elitist.)

**shakes head, marveling and laughing a bit** I'm tipsy and prattling on about the Constitution. I'm such a wild child.

I think if I were to be like anyone from history, I'm more like Samuel Adams. A bit round and dumpy, but inclined to propagandizing in order to foment rebellion.

Abigail Adams (President John Adam's wife) is someone I really want to read about. Actually, her AND her husband. They were such a dynamic duo and a truly happily married couple.

Alexander Hamilton, on the other hand.... I need to read to find out whether he actually even liked his wife. She seems to be mentioned as almost an afterthought. Actually, when I started reading the pamphlet about him this afternoon, I saw his relationships with men and boys and I wondered if he was actually homosexual. I kind of still wonder if he wasn't homosexual but married to a woman, too. I imagine I'll get a better idea if I go through the stacks of books sitting on my bed.

I still need to read Oedipus Rex, too. I read the Oedipus Rex, Oedipus at Colonnus (ck sp), and Antigone when I was in high school. I preferred Antigone because it was a female character and I could relate to her better, but for some reason, this Classics of World Lit I. class is only taking the first play of every trilogy we encounter. I may have to go back to the Orestia in my spare time to read the other two plays, because the first one didn't really give the whole story. (And as anyone who knows me knows, incomplete story in a trilogy is why I have a major aversion to the "Lord of the Rings" movies. You don't just cut the story in the middle of an exciting part. It's just RUDE. You must continue until after a mini climax and then break until the next installment.)

In case you wondered, I'm rambling here because I enjoy Your company.... and because LJ is down.

**chuckles** al Qaida is threatening Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. My response? "So?" Sorry to people who are fans of them. I just couldn't give a rat's whip-tailed behind about either one of them. I don't think either of them are very good actors, and I don't think either one of them are anywhere near as beautiful as everyone else professes them to be.

I wonder... In Much Ado About Nothing, the Prince's brother... could he have been suffering from depression? Just a random thought.

And now LJ is back. Weird thing. **shrugs** Meh.

I coated my nails with acrylic today. I had taken off the old acrylic nails last week and my own nails were so weak that they needed a little something-something. So, I coated them myself. Now, I'll just fill them as they grown and they'll be fine. I'm still not quite as expert at it as I would like to be, but it's nothing a good nail file won't fix. The other benefit to this thin coating on top of my own nail is that nail polish sticks so much better to acrylic than to human nails. Much more long-lasting this way. So now they're a medium purple color.

Wow... In 20 more days, I'll finally be on vacation. Yee --and might I add--Haw! I'm so glad that at least I'll have ONE week without people around during the main part of the day. (And I know my mom. She'll call home. But guess what? I know how to turn off the detestable ringer to the phone and I'm not afraid to DO so.) I'll put up my tree in my room during the last couple days of that week.

Christmas. Solstice. I love these holidays. (Yes, I'm Kemetic, but I don't really have much of a connection to the Wesir and Hethert holidays, so I don't celebrate them.) I can't stand how commercialized they've become. It's so hard for me to find Thanksgiving decorations for the office because even before Halloween occurred, they were already putting up the Christmas crap. I still maintain that Christmas is a good barometer for how the public is truly feeling. If there's an average amount of Christmas preholiday cheer, then things are going well, but when things are going piss-pour, THAT's when everyone starts focusing on buy-buy-buying and sell-sell-selling Christmas crap. In our materialistic world, people are remembering their youth and desperately wanting to get back that innocence during a time when the world is so volatile. So they try with all their checkbook and credit card might to acquire holiday things in an attempt to use material goods to bring back the innocence and the joy of simpler times. Their childhood memories of halcyon days that never were.

And the result is musical snow globes and moving, perpetually cheerful tinny-sounding voices and holiday music to accompany moving Christmas figures. (And my own desire to smash every one of them because they're so annoying. I'm sorry. If that lady in the commercial were stranded at the same airport I was at for the next two hours and she brought out that cheerful holiday music playing piece of garbage, I'd ask to borrow it for a sec, then throw it against a wall. Bah humbug!)

Still.... like I said. I really do like the holiday season, and not just because I was Mrs. Claus in third grade, or because I look so jolly and cheerful when I'm wearing a Santa hat, or because I and Nicholas Sebastian (aka Santa Claus, aka the Holly King) have a special relationship. I like it because I have always loved winter. I love snow. I love the cold. I love snowball fights and snow sculptures. I love sledding. I love having off on snow days (or at least I did, when I was in school). I love holiday meals and candy and cookies and cakes. I love getting gifts for people and seeing their faces when they receive something I know they wanted. (Because for all my parents will tell you about how I don't care, I really DO care about doing nice things for those I love. Otherwise, why would I take special care to remember exactly what each person likes or dislikes or is allergic to as far as food and scents go?)

In case anyone cares, Mickey's Christmas Carol is my favorite holiday cartoon. I love it for two cartoons that come on before the actual story. I love seeing Donald Duck and his nephews have a snowball fight, and I love seeing Chip and Dale having fun in the Christmas tree at Mickey's house. (I always wanted to be four inches tall so I could live in a Christmas tree and enjoy the beauty of it from the inside like they did. That's why I would lie under the tree when I was little and just look up into the tree. I was imagining that I was that tiny and living in the tree.) I also love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I was a misfit. I still am. So I identify quite well with Rudolph's plight and his personality. Oh, and I love the movie National Lampoon's Christmas vacation. I MUST watch this before Christmas every year. (I like singing along with the Hawaiian Christmas song. And now, ever time I see the part where they pick the perfect Christmas tree, I think of how I sawed down the really tall tree -- my first.... my ONLY... live tree -- every time I see that movie.)

I wonder what Monday's going to bring at work? Pete's last day was Friday, and his assistant Regina (who is my only firend at work) is also due to be laid off... she can't possibly have anything left to do without her boss to give her directions. Why was she laid off? **frowns unhappily** She and Melissa were the only friends I've ever had in a work environment. And Melissa got shipped to Everett, and now Regina is about to be shown the door. I'll have no one to talk to at all at work. This sucks. I hate my company. Plus, they block LiveJournal, so the people I care most about (who may not be blood relatives, but I actually tend to care about them at least as much, if not more than, the blood relatives) I can't even talk to during the day. Everyone else at work mills around chatting it up with people, or else they leave the building for cigarette breaks or "bagel" runs (which in some cases are just one coworker shacking up with another coworker, but we won't go there because I just don't care about their illicit little affair), and I sit at my desk stressing out about all the other people's jobs I'm being asked to do (because even though critical people are leaving, no one's replacing them.... this is a bad sign and I really ought to get out, or else at least brush up my resume and my portfolio for when they axe me, too), so it's not like I'm a social butterfly. My butterfly-ness takes place online. But now they've blocked MW's main site (which is why I go to the angrygeeks site, and can't go to LJ at work at all. **shrugs** So, when I want to make a journal entry (since I can't use the MW journal either, because that's blocked), I post here, or else I open a blank Notepad window and just talk to myself without saving what I'm typing. Can't help it. I know it's weird, but I need someplace to put my thoughts so that I can scroll back through them and think things through.... it's like having my own Pen-Sieve.

Interesting that Bush said that both Rumsfeld AND Cheney would be there until the end of his term. People were calling on Bush to make Rumsfeld step down. But how could people make Bush make CHENEY step down? He's a Veep. Bush can't tell him to step down. He'd have to be impeached, or at the very least, asked to resign. To me, it just seems like one more indication that Bush thinks he has more power than the Constitution actually gives him.

I'm not sure which is worse, that Bush thinks this, or that America is willing to let him have whatever power he tries to grab. Because he's a firm believer in the philosophy of "Do it now and apologize later, if you need to."

Another thing that bothers me. Are we officially at war? I've heard people say that Bush declared war himself and the Congress didn't and that it's illegal, and I've heard that Bush declared war on terror but not on any specific countries (so that the wartime rules are in effect, but yet we're not officially at war with anyone, even though we're doing "reconstruction" work in Iraq and Afghanistan). **sighs and shakes head, befuddled** So confused.

The perfect man.... that would be someone who combines the best qualities of Detective Elliot Stabler from Law & Order: SVU, Leopold from "Kate & Leopold" and Weyoun No. 5 from "Star TreJ: Deep Space Nine." **nod-nod** In other words, Moral (which doesn't apply to Weyoun, but works well for the other two), incredible eyes, nice voice, powerful, gentlemanly, sophisticated, well-spoken, intelligent, and masterly most of the time, and a real ***** (inventively/creatively) when the situation calls for it.

I think I might visit Chile some day. It's got weather like what is around here. I'd like to see what the flora and fauna look like for having such a similar climate, but yet such a vastly different hemisphere and continent.

I wonder if Alexander Hamilton and I would have gotten along. I'm not really too fond of his portraits. He's got a weak mouth and beady eyes. I think he'd be a Democrat if he were around today. (Democrats being particularly in favor of a strong central government, and Republicans, not-so-much.) But yet, I'm definitely more of a dreamer, like Thomas Jefferson, than a practical realist like Hamilton. Would he have hated me, too? Why do I even care again? Oh, that's right.... I remember now. It's because I'm supposed to "interview" him. Well, I won't be reading those books tonight. I'm still in need of making up on lost sleep.

Seaking of sleep, I spent last night dreaming I was reading new amendments to the Constitution. There was no actual dreamscape in the dream. Just my consciousness, continually staring at a page online, reading these new parts of the Constitution. Be damned if I can remember what I read. Nonsense, mostly.

I plan on using that Hugh Jackman / Distinguished Gentleman voice when I imagine the interview with Alexander Hamilton.... anything to retain my interest while I do this weirdass assignment.

I'm still annoyed that the professor gave me an A- on the other assignment. The man who misspells crap all the time on his slides and his exams has the nerve to tell me to work on my paragraph structure (and all my paragraphs were Just Fine, by the way)... **sighs** Whatever, Tony. Whatever floats your boat. I wasn't looking to get an incredibly stellar grade in your class anyway.

I'm not a history major. But I am glad I decided to take this class. It's coming in very handy when I'm in Political Pagan and when I'm reading/hearing/viewing the news. I wanted to be more informed and have more understanding of what's really going on, as far as history being cyclical and all that.

I still wish I had a more interesting teacher for the literature class. It's taken me a full half-semester to remember the lady's name. It's a pity. This class should be full of memorable discussions, but instead it's a washed up, red-faced, frizzy-white-haired teacher trying her best to spoon-feed us.... and she doesn't even read from the book very well! Her class is just so boring. I'm glad I don't have her next semester. Here's hoping the guy teaching Classics of World Lit II is more passionate about his work. I mean, I wasn't expecting her to do what Tony did and dress in a tricorner hat and carry an actual MUSKET to class (complete with really sharp bayonet), but sheesh... would it kill her to show some enthusiasm about her subject? Or at the very least, would it have killed her to let us watch the complete film of Agamemnon being performed? The segments she showed us were so intriguing and titillating. I wanted to see more. But there was just the one copy and she wanted mostly to read from the book. Very disappointing.

**sighs** I really wish I had my own place. I wish I were already in posession of a teaching degree and a certificate to say that I passed the teaching exam (i've forgotten the acronym for it) and that I was already teaching MY students, and enjoying the vacation time and living in my own beautiful home in an idyllic location, and creating interesting works of art in my spare time. Or practicing playing the piano or else going for trail rides or working in my garden. Or, reading for FUN.

Some day this hassle will be worth it. Or else I'll be dead and it won't matter.

[Ahautenites]

I'm going to look for another job. I'm not ready yet to be a teacher, not even as a substitute. I need more money than that to pay for college, and I need better health coverage than the none offered by that kind of a job, seeing as MA has kindly decided that everyone MUST be insured somehow, regardless of whether they have the money.

It's just time for me to go. This is the longest I've ever been at a place and I just can't stand it here anymore. I'm tired and in desperate need of a vacation. I have no definite vacation coverage for when I finally DO get to take time off, and I feel like I just can't take off any time when I just need a A Day. I can't take this much longer. I have to find a place where I *can* take off a day here or there without it being the ****ing end of the world if I do!

[Ahautenites]

Thank You for letting me hear "It's The End of the World As We Know It" on the radio this morning.

Thank You for letting me figure out why my eyes have been so blurry for the last week or so. It's so much easier to see when the left contact is in the left eye and the right contact is in the right eye. (I'd somehow mixed them up. Left in right eye, right in left.)

Thank You for letting me come to the conclusion that I AM going to get a new job by next June.

Thank You for letting tonight's class not be as horrible as I was dreading.

Thank You for letting me have just enough time before class to read Oedipus Rex.

Thank You for the 98% I got on the literature midterm. (But no... I don't really wanna sing "We Are The Champions" again tonight. Once was enough.)

Thank You for Smirnoff Strawberry vodka. (It doesn't seem to make me sneeze like unflavored vodka is wont to do.)

Thank You for letting me enjoy learning about Alexander Hamilton. And how sad is it that I have a minor crush on a dead guy? Can't help it. Short, ambitious and with blue violet eyes. In a position of authority/power, and frequently portrayed as a misunderstood villain. Sounds like a human version of Weyoun. No wonder I like him.

[Ahautenites]

Oh, dear gods.... this ain't good. I went to bed at 8, because I wanted to get up at 4 and start writing that Alexander Hamilton paper. Plus, I also had a massive migraine going on. I don't know if I slept at all. If I did, it wasn't restful, but I remember looking at the clock at 11:38 and lamenting the fact that I was still awake. And then I lay in bed for a while before looking at the clock again. By this time, it was 1:03 in the morning and I was still awake. Only bright side was that my migraine was mostly gone. Then, I got up and read stuff online before starting my paper at 1:48 this morning. And I've been working on it ever since. I've got five pages written (which is pathetic, but dude, I'm so tired, it's not even funny), and I still have two more things I need to address in this paper before I can call it done.

And then I need to get my grubby butt into the shower, go to work, have a brutally busy day at work, and then go to class. Yay, me.

[Ahautenites]

Lessee.... I started writing at almost 2, took a break at 5 so I could eat breakfast, watch the news and take a shower and dry my hair. Then, I started writing again at 6 and I just now finished. Damn.... four hours to write this thing.

I hate it when my insomnia is well-founded and makes me get out of bed to do the things I don't want to do, because it only reinforces it in my mind and body to do the same thing to me all over again the next time I procrastinate. Grah. Well, at least the silly thing is done. I can proof it and tweak it later, and I still need to make sure the cover page looks how I want it to look, but other than that, it's good to go.

[Ahautenites]

Gods.... two weeks to go until I'm on vacation. Thank You for that. If I had to wait much longer for time off, I think I might actually go postal (on a minor scale). As it is, I spent last night tossing and turning in bed because I couldn't get it out of my head that today (Sunday) was actually Tuesday and that I had to get up or I'd be late for work and how I hate that I don't know where the weekend went.

I'm so tired of working. Every day I go to work feels as if the backbone of my life were out and in need of a chiropractor. Every waking movement jangles on my emotional nerves. (But I suppose it's better than the alternative... a REAL back problem. Been there, done that... NUMEROUS times.)

I watched four hours of Buffy, Season Two this morning, and 2.5 hours of 3rd Rock From The Sun, Season One last night. Can't help it. There is so much swill on TV these days, I crave decent shows, with actual acting and plots and funny parts and dramatic parts. Reality TV and shopping shows and paid commercials and home decorating shows (by people who have NO clue what they're doing, no less) are garbage. And I'm tired of watching the news. I'm sick of it all.

Is it really so much to ask that the Learning Channel show DOCUMENTARIES about science stuff? Like String Theory or something? And why can't the Discovery Channel show programs like it used to, with Beyond 2000 and Nature documentaries and On The Track of Kuru And Other Prion Diseases? And the History Channel.... **snarls ill-temperedly** What a joke. Yes, they show documentaries... about Aliens and Armageddon and Haunted Houses. To be fair, they do do some documentaries (that I just haven't been interested in because I don't care about the history of the U-boat, or whatever), but I would love to see a series about the American Revolution or the Framers of the Constitution or that really long miniseries about the Civil War (the one with Matthew Broderick in it that I saw in 10th grade). Show me THAT kind of stuff, or change your damned names to the Fluff Network 1, 2, and 3. And while you're at it, History Channel, make sure your facts are actually CORRECT before you air your documentaries. There have been quite a number of inaccuracies in your ancient Egyptian shows (along with some "experts" who are a complete joke in the Egyptology field -- once again: aliens did NOT build the damned pyramids. I know it's disappointing to you, History Channel, but get the hell OVER it already!), so who knows what else you've messed up, too.

It's pouring outside today. The sky is lead gray and, in general, it's just a raw, blustery, crappy day. I should go to work and do some work to prepare for vacation. I should work on the online writing assignment for literature class. I should read Medea for class tomorrow night like I'm supposed to. I should re-enroll in the company health plan, seeing as their are only three days left in which to do so. I should wash clothes. I should render myself temporarily comatose. I should clean this pit otherwise knowns as a bedroom. Part of me would like to just throw everything away and start over again. But it wouldn't solve anything. Because what I want is to be alone, with no work to do, with no interruptions from family or friends. I want to be by myself for a few months... not talking to anyone but my cat and my birds. I want my own space. I'm so sick of being trapped here at home in this house with these people. I love my parents but I need to be in my own place away from them. **wry expression** But seeing as they'll be moving to the Carolinas (probably) soon enough, I'll have plenty to worry about then. Because I don't want to move with them. I want a place of my own, right here. A house of my own. I've got, like, two or three years of evening classes for college. And after that, all the classes I need have to be taken during the day. That will be another two or three years of my time. I'll need to find a place here or possibly in New Hampshire.

**sighs irritably** Well, that was a waste ofa half hour. I went searching on Realtor.com for cheap houses in Essex County, and boy, is that ever a joke. Can you imagine paying $198,000 for a four-room (not four bedroom... just four ROOM) house? And in a crappy section of town? No frelling way. **massages face** Blaaaaaaaahhhh.

[Ahautenites]

I'm still remembering my dreams from last night. I dreamt that today was Tuesday and that I was going to be late for work... and that I was griping about it because this weekend seemed nonexistent. And then I dreamt that I was trying to sneak into this five-storey high building. On the top floor was all the financial information I needed in a closet. But getting into the building was hard to do. I had to pretend like I worked there and find my way to the ladies' room. In the ladies' room it was dark, and there was another, smaller ladies' room off of that room (a bathroom within a bathroom is a very strange thing to dream about, I know) and wait until everyone had left before I got to sneak into the closet and get the financial information. And then the elevator kept bringing me to different floors, and finally, it dropped me off on the fourth floor, where I had to walk across a dark, empty hallway, get onto the other elevator, which brought me to the second, and go through another empty hallway.... only to find out that I'd landed myself in a blank room. No doors. No windows. No way out except the elevator I'd just gotten off of.

I have no idea why I dreamt that. I'm not thinking about stealing anything or sneaking about buildings in the dark. But yet, I still recall the claustrophobia of being in the elevator and being in that blank room.

Why can't I have GOOD dreams?

**sighs** I was just reading something here about someone requesting people not to create a certain type of thread. On one hand, I can understand the requestor's point of view. But on the other, what about the people making and replying to these threads? Just because they aren't knowingly facing impending, unalterable circumstances doesn't mean that said circumstances aren't important to them. Some people need to talk about what they fear so they can cope better when they do have to face whatever their fear is. It's selfish to ask them not to do so, when this is a "discussion forum," not a "don't-talk-about-it forum."

I personally DO think quite about about those impending, unalterable circumstances, because they're just as much a part of my life as rest. Maybe it's because of my religious beliefs. Kemetics frequently think quite a bit about that aspect of our existence and what it might be like. It can be a source of anxiety or anticipation, depending on the person. **shrugs** I'm looking forward to it, myself.

In other news, I still need to read Medea and re-enroll in the health insurance thing online. **wrinkles nose** Yuck. I hate doing that. They should do like they SAY they're going to do (retain our answers unless we specify we want to make changes), instead of making us go through this annoying procedure every stinking year.

I was watching the History Channel tonight (yes.... the same History Channel I was complaining about earlier), and there was a show on about Hell and the Devil. First off, it's Dante Alighieri, not Alighieri Dante. (See what I mean, History Channel? Get your facts straight first... THEN air the stupid "documentary.") And second, there was a thing about OBEs and how most people get the white light tunnel and warm, happy, fuzziness... but a small percentage of people get a trip to Hell. There was this one guy who said he had a perforated stomach and when they put him under so they could operate, he said he went to hell and people there scratched him and bit him all over.

Having had a minor operation on my own abdomen earlier this year, I wonder if maybe he wasn't dreaming of how it felt to feel the scratching, stinging pain of a local anesthetic being injected into the area, and then the exquisite pain of being cut open with a scapel. (This would all be consistent with his comments that "at first they scratched me and bit me, and then it became MUCH worse.") If he'd had more anesthetic, he might have had different dreams. They had told him he only had five hours to live, so maybe they were afraid he'd die on the table if they gave him too much anesthetic? **shrugs** I dunno. I guess I'm still of the opinion that if you see the white light and meet people you haven't seen in a lonnnnnnnng while, you probably OBD'd. But if you're seeing hell and people you've never seen before and experiencing pain, you're probably just dreaming while being operated on.

I don't believe in hell. I do believe that there is something akin to Ammit, that would devour or recycle the most consistently rotten souls (souls that revel in doing heinous things, life after life after life). But I think most people don't fall in that category, and they get to go on, study the life they just led, compare it to previous lives, learn from peers on the Other Side, and then get ready to do it all over again at some point in the future, either here and now, or in the past or the future, or on some other planet or in some other dimension.

**yawns** I should go to bed now. Long day tomorrow.

[Ahautenites]

Grah! No one decided it was important enough for me to know that our sister division is NOT going to be converted over to our system in January/February, the way they had been planning. Evidently, they don't have a data migration team to spare at the moment. Thanks, people. Really. No, no. Thank you. **sighs crossly** This company is NOT doing well. People get laid off or else they quit, and no one replaces them (or if they do, it's not adequately). Things take months or years (no lie) before they get replaced when they're broken. Now this data migration thing isn't going to happen. And every year I've been here, we've gotten a turkey for Thanksgiving. But not this year. They had to cut costs in half by giving us pies instead of the gigantic birds we'd been getting. It's definitely time to jump ship while I can.

And to make matters worse (because I'm vain), every time I look in the bathroom mirrors, I can't tell if my hair is beginning to go gray or if I'm just imagining it. Part of me would lament losing the brown, but another part of me is interested in seeing what pattern I have. My mom has the all-over white-gold hair (which she dyes her old dirty blonde color). My dad has dark brown hair (darker than mine) which is going in streaks on the sides of his head. That would kick ass if I went gray like that. (I'm weird, I know.) But his sister (my Aunt Barbara) has done the all-over gray thing like my mom, so that's probably what I'll end up with.

I still need to do homework. I've got to learn about Tecumseh, Sacajawea, and Aaron Burr in short order. **wrinkles nose**

It's hard to believe that there are only four or five more classes left before the term is over. It's also hard to believe that just over a month, it will be Christmas.

I need to get my nails done again soon. And I want to re-whiten my teeth, and get a tray made for my bottom teeth, too.

Nine days until I'm on vacation. Thank the gods.

I want Chinese food, fried chicken and calamari from Charlie's, and Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Since I've drunk alcohol and eaten fine chocolates already recently, I don't need to do that on vacay. (Those cravings have been satisfied.) I also want to buy winter boots and a couple new outfits so that I will look presentable on interviews. And I will also need to set up and decorate my tree. Should be interesting to see what kind of reaction that gets out of Jerry. Don't know if he's ever seen a holiday tree before.

I saw a cool piano keyboard for sale in a mail-order catalog. It's the kind that looks like a mat and it rolls up. The only time I've ever seen one of those was on a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode. I thought it was the neatest thing I'd ever seen. I didn't know they were real.

[Ahautenites]

It's 10 a.m. Glad it's Thursday. Only one more day before I can relax and stay home for a couple more days. This week has positively FLOWN by. How does that happen?

I'm really tempted to see about taking Guerriero's next history class. But the problem is, I just don't NEED another history class to fulfill my requirements.

**ponders** Y'know... I feel incomplete by only taking the first part of this course. I mean, the first part is all that is required by law for me to take. But I've really enjoyed this class. It's taught me quite a bit. (And okay, so my learning hasn't been PERFECT, but I've got a better grasp of it than I used to.) This guy is a really GOOD teacher. He has to be, if I feel guilty about yawning in his class and being too tired to give him my full attention sometimes.

I've never yet learned that anything happened in history beyond WWI (and that I only learned about in 12th grade). Public school was woefully inadequate at giving me lessons in modern history.

I'm insane, I realize that. But I WANT to take the second half of this course. I don't do well on his exams and I always have to make his stuff take a back seat to my English courses, but I would really like to continue, just for the hell of it. I think I can afford it, too. (Before, I was just going to get the text book and read it myself, but I would really like to have this class.) I feel like it would help me to understand the things I don't understand. Like who was Roosevelt. Who was Woodrow Wilson. What caused the Vietnam War to happen? Why was the country so upset by JFK being shot (aside from the obvious)? There is so much history affecting politics and people's points of view on a daily basis, and I just don't understand WHY they feel and act the way they do. I feel very disconnected from other people in this country, and I wonder if maybe part of it is that I just don't UNDERSTAND where they're coming from. Yes, I'm a US citizen. I was born in Salem, MA. But my great grandparents and half of my grandparents were all from Newfoundland. Both sides of my family came to America in the early to mid-twentieth century.

I will never BE a history teacher. I don't have the brain for that kind of story, that is so broad in scope. I remember "slices" of history, as if history were some kind of weird pie. My memory is great for reading shorter stories where the universes being written about are primarily isolated to whatever is on the page. But what's behind the writing, the author's mindset and frame of experience (which includes their life as a person living IN history) is also very important.

Likewise, knowing what would cause my future students to behave the way they do would also be important... something I can gain from continuing with this history class.

The other benefit is that gaining this knowledge will make me feel like I'm not shooting completely blind in Political Pagan. Right now, I have NO clue (not that I ever have THAT much of a clue) of what people are talking about when they reference different things. I'm completely out of my depth when they do that.

**ponders** I will take this class, but only if Guerriero is teaching it. (Because I've had the other teachers and the only other decent history professor at the college, Marsella, teaches world history stuff only.) I wonder, though. I have to take the second part of my Literature class. But the Grammar & Style class? It says I'm *supposed* to take this, because I'm an English major, but is it REALLY going to teach me anything different from what I learned in the Editing course for Comm majors? (Particularly seeing as I was a copyeditor for four years AFTER college.)

For sanity and monetary purposes, I'd prefer to take just two classes. But I *really* want this history class, so even if I'm stuck with three classes, I've convinced myself that I WILL take them.

In other, completely unrelated news, have I mentioned lately that I love eggnog (the non-alcoholic kind)? I haven't had any yet this season, but I'm eagerly looking forward to it. Nectar of the gods!

[Ahautenites]

Well, so much for that idea. **sighs** That course isn't even offered next semester. My professor is teaching the second half of WORLD Civ II, not US Hist. & Const. Gov't II. Seeing as I already took Honors World Civ I and II, there's no point at all in my taking the class offered next semester.

However, should US Hist. & Const. Gov't II ever be offered during the evening, with my current professor doing the teaching, I will gladly sign up for the course.

[Ahautenites]

Oy. Busy day. Still depressed about the lack of that history class next semester. I worry that the absence of any OTHER classes I'm required to take on next semester's course schedule is the Universe's way of telling me that next semester's gonna be almost too busy for me to handle just with two classes, never mind a third class.

Forty-four minutes to go until this workday is over. Thank. The. Gods.

This week has flown by, but it's been very busy, too.

There's rumor that we might get turkeys or perhaps a side of beef for Christmas from the company. That would be nice. Everyone was expecting turkeys for Thanksgiving and instead we got pies. So, if they give us birds or beef for Christmas, that will be good. My company sucks, but they do give us food, so it's not ALL bad here.

I want a place of my own. And I want it to have a baby grand piano. Either one of those deep black, glossy ones, or else one of the ornately carved, richly colored mahogany ones. I would be a good pianist now if I'd continued with the lessons I'd gotten in school, and if I'd been able to keep practicing. However, in my parents' house, I'm not allowed to make noise. Can't sing. Can't listen to TV or radio any louder than just-barely-able-to-hear-it, and gods forbid I should ever sing. **sighs**

[Ahautenites]

Too weird.

I dreamt last night that I was looking at a paper at work that was interactive. It was just a printscreen of what was in our computer system at work. But when I wanted to scroll, I just needed to touch the scroll part of the image (exactly as if the paper in my hands were a monitor and I was using a mouse to achieve the same effect), and it I wanted to write, I could just use my finger or a stylus to write, and it would change on the paper to whatever I had written. And when I woke up, I could only think to call it "smart paper." And I wondered if it had been created yet.

It HAS been thought of already. And it really IS called Smart Paper.

Check it out: http://www.thecabal.org/gurps/rareitems/smart.html

Here I was just hoping for another flying dream like the night before (which didn't happen... bummer). But instead I got look at some really cool cutting edge technology.

[Ahautenites]

Yaaaaaahhhhh!!!!! **dances around happily** My history teacher DOES teach the second half of the class I'm taking now! W00t!! He teaches it during the summer session (which I probably can't take because it's during the day in most cases) or during the fall session. Hope he does the fall session, so I can actually attend the class. Dude, that's awesome. Today will probably suck at work, but at least I have that tidbit of good news to think about to cheer myself up.

Can't help it. He's a GOOD teacher. That's a rare find at my college. He's of the same caliber as Dr. Fowler, Dr. Brown, Dr. Wood, Mrs. Baletsa, and Mr. O'Brien, who were the best teachers I ever had in the entire time I spent in school in my life, and I'm not ready to quit myself of a good teacher so soon. (I learn as much about teaching in general from these people as I do about their subject matter... if not more.)

[Ahautenites]

**opens mouth, shuts mouth with audible click, then just blinks**

Okay then. How the hell is it that a salesperson knows more about my future at this company than I do? She wouldn't spell it out, but I think she was hinting that I might be getting a marketing job at the company soon. I don't really want it under the director's leadership, but I've always aspired to Nancy's position while she was here. And, as an added benefit, it would be really good for Regina, too, because she could do MY job (as well as the logistics things they don't shunt off to another division). That would rock!

**frowns** But it might put a serious crimp in my being able to take classes.

Money. Money vs. The Public Good. **frowns again** I need money. My credit card bill needs money. My ability to live on my own, comfortably, needs money. But my need to Do Something Good is also very important to me. I will accept a marketing position. It will pay my bills and allow me to live in this state when my parents move. And by living in this state, I can continue to attend classes at my college. This IS a nice, tidy solution to my problems and to the company's problems, and to Regina's problems, too.

I would stay long enough to pay down my debt and put some sweet experience on my resume. And long enough to bank a lot of money so that I can attend school during the day (when it becomes impossible to further my degree with night courses... in about three to four years). And then I will leave them to pursue what I believe is my Purpose in life (aka the reason I'm attending college again: Teaching). And if it turns out that it's not my main Purpose in life, at least I will have made the more altruistic choice, instead of the one governed by dollar signs.

I hate people. But I love them, too. That's what so many people don't understand. Yes, I can be the vilest, most unpopular bitch on this whole website, but I'm also one of the most helpful. I'm one of those rare people who would curse you up one side and down the other one moment... and then in the next heartbeat, I'd give you the shirt off my back if I thought you needed it more than I did. I want to help the world. I can do that by teaching.

**shrugs** I really am my Fathers' daughter. I was very aptly named ("Rich In Her Fathers"). I'm a living, breathing embodiment of both of my Fathers' greatest qualities, and also Their worst flaws. All I can do is be myself to the fullest, and hope that the good qualities will outweigh the bad ones in the end.

[Ahautenites]

Ugh. Know what? Never mind.

I don't CARE if they offer me the moon. I'll take whatever job they send my way, but I'm still going to look elsewhere. This place is full of jerks and bullcrap. I'm TIRED of it. I'm tired of this place. I want OUT.

[Ahautenites]

**sighs** Hey.

You probably already know by now. You know my heart and my mind anyway. But it's cathartic to write it.

I feel awful, like I'm on the verge of tears, or of just giving up altogether. It has nothing to do with anything at all. It's just my messed up head doing its random messed up thing with impeccable timing, seeing as the holiday is on Monday. The last two days, I have felt so depressed, like I'm dying inside from a lacerated soul.

I hate feeling like this. I hurt. I feel like all the joy has gone out of the world and that I'm alone and unloved, and that no one wants me around at all, even though I know I have family and friends who actually do care.

I don't want anyone around, either. My mother said good morning and gave me a hug, and it was all I could do to refrain from shoving her away from me. She knows something is wrong, but it's nothing she can help with. It's nothing anyone can help with.

[Ahautenites]

Ulp.

Well, in the words of Julius Caesar (if Caesar knew English): "The die is cast."

AKA, I have crossed my own Rubicon River.

So. Today I'm in far better spirits than I was yesterday (must be my caffeine-induced sleep deprivation mania), and I've submitted my application, resume, and managerial evaluation letter to HR for that marketing coordinator position.

I want it.

Steve said that Drew (the NonFoods category manager) was going to be so disappointed. I take that to mean that if I get this coordinator position, Drew will be disappointed that he's not getting me as his assistant.

I like Drew. He's a good guy and a nice boss. But this coordinator position is something that uses the skills represented by my college degree. And it's almost certainly more money than I'm making now (which is the pay I'd be keeping if I worked for Drew). Steve says if I don't get the coordinator position, I can still be Drew's assistant, so that works out well.

Money talks to me. If I ever want to stay in this state when my parents move south, I need a better-paying job. I'd be kicking myself if I hadn't applied for it.

[Ahautenites]

Hrmmmmm. Interesting. I accidentally eavesdropped on one of my bosses talking to one of my buyers. He was basically telling her that I and two or three other people are the main players in this marketing coordinator thing. And since he didn't come by my desk afterward (he spoke to me twice afterward about other work stuff), it seems like I haven't been weeded out yet. Yay!!!

But this means I definitely need to learn Access by the time the interview is scheduled. Dude, I WANT this job!

I wonder about something he said to her, though. He said, "I wish it had turned out differently." I know she doesn't like her boss. (What sane person would?) Maybe she's decided that she needs a change and that it was either this or she would be leaving the company. I dunno. **ponders**

Well. Still. From the sound of things, a couple other people seem to have a background in this, too.

Butterflies. In stomach. Urgh.

[Ahautenites]

I'm feeling a bit like Michael Jackon when he was on Men In Black II:

"Zed?" I can be Agent M..."