Feeling Crazy!

[Autumn-Forest]

My situation has become drastically worse over the past few months. I am dating someone much, much older than me, but we have a very healthy relationship, next month we will be together for a year. This is not the problem, the problem is he has more partners than I, infact, I've only had him. He has 15 others, but he is much older, so more experience of course. He does not bring them up, I feel like I do. And its not really me, its my mind. Its like my mind makes me think about it, I do not want to. I feel like i'm going insane. All I can think about is him with all of the other people, and I hurt myself by doing this. Its on and off, but I feel so crazy and insane. I've turned to things I promised myself i'd never do. I have turned into a monster! I really need help. I've been refraining from posting on here, that was probably stupid.

Despite this evil thing in my head that plays over and over, our relationship is wonderful. We do not fight or argue about much, if we do its just so we can kiss and make up, lol. But he is my everything, he fulfills me so much, and its not his problem that I think about this nastyness. I don't feel like its my fault either. I feel insane and I wish this would go away so I can move on with my life with him. I don't want to break up with him, that would be silly.

Anyways, a hug and some advice would be soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo apperciated!

blessings!

[BlueEyedWolf]

:hugz: :hugz: :hugz:
A couple of questions for you.
Is this your first relationship?
Are 'his partners' current or past?
This one is more personal. How was growing up for you?
Just some back ground questions.

[BlueEyedWolf]

BRB.... I'm at work....I'll log back on in about 15-20mins.
:awilly:

[Autumn-Forest]

No this is not my first serious relationship.
His partners are his past.
Growing up for me was good, just an average kid, really. :)

[Autumn-Forest]

Wow, I must be nuts, you guys can't even fix me. lol.

...but I do thank everyone who has taken time to read my post and to the ones that have helped/will help. I'm trying to reach out for help, thats what they say to do. Trying to conquer it myself, also. Its very hard. Even if you have a comforting word, I would appericate this. :)

thank you so much and blessed be-
Autumn

[MysticWitch]

Unless he is bringing stuff up about his old relationships or flings why does it matter? Why think about them at all? He is with you. Not them and you dont even know if he regrets meeting half of them. Some of them might be cute girls and others might be ugly.. Really.. you need to focus on here and now and not dwell on how many partners he has had in the past. It really should not matter unless you worried about STD's which if you've been with him for 1 year now.. there obviously is no problem. :hahugh:

[TheWomanMonster]

I struggled with something similar when I first got together with my former fiance. Ultimatly I moved past it, but then other problems got in the way.
If you ever need an ear, PM me.

:)

Sending you positive energies and LOVE!

[Autumn-Forest]

Thank you guys.

I know it doesn't matter, its here and now. Its not me who thinks about it.

Its in my subconcious and I HAVE to think about it. I don't want to, I know its his past, I would love to let it go.

Thank you guys for your kind words! Its helping alot!!!!!!!

[ShadowcatX]

One thing that might help is to consider that he was just basically killing time with his other partners until he was with you. He had fun with them, no more, no less. You've had people you've had fun with as well (even if it was in a different way) when you get down to it, it's not that different. IMO at least.

[Autumn-Forest]

Yeah, I know what you are taking about Shadowcat, I try to see it that way. And I think they were just stepping stones to us, but sometimes I get disgusted at how many people have been there and done that, and it kinda doesn't make it special anymore. :(

Thank you guys for your advice, you are helping me so much!!!

What would I do without my MW fwiends? :)

Blessed be-
Autumn

[CzechWoods]

:hugz: must go to bed so the :hugz: is all i can do

at the moment

[Autumn-Forest]

Well thank you anyways, it will help. :)

blessed be-
Autumn

[CzechWoods]

ok, let me give you some advise.

now that i have slept ;)


so, there is a voice in you, that makes you feel starnge about this relationship. you call it mind, but i am not sure it is the voice of mind

so i would advise you not trying to supress it, but research it.

go onto a quest within: find out what the voice is about?
what or whom does it represent ?
what is the gender of the voice ?
what does it tell you ?
why is it telling you that stuff ?
who takes advantage/disadvantage if you do what this voice sais and if you dont do it

etc.

there are stones that could help you this research: try smokey quartz along with apachee tears (smoke obsidian), but with the latter be carefull - it is a very powerfull stone. try using it while on the quest within for like 10 minutes, and than you can always add more time

pietersite and/or ocean agate too could help you in this process of finding out about this voice and its true motivations.

regardless what you find out, before going onto the quest, get into meditative state and CONFRONT THE VOICE. speak with it out loud, as if it was an entity of its own.

say: listen voice, i have been hearing you and your advice now, and i am willing to deal with whatever you say, but i need to find out more about you and your true point of view. i have understood, that it is elementary for you, that i do as you wish. and therefore, i know you have an urge in this go. therefore its not like you make the rules, for i am the one who can fulfill or deny your desires, for this is MY life and not JUST YOURS

so here is the deal:
you shut up while i research. during that time, i promise you, i will not DEEPEN the relationship you are advising against in the matter of taking further steps (like engagement/commitment/marriage etc) BUT i will date this man/liive with him and you will not interfere at all. i promise i will be researching, and i will hear your arguments of the past, or even let you speak to me, BUT I WILL SET the time and surroundings and everything, NOT YOU.

you can either accept this, and thus get a fair chance to be listened to and followed, or you can keep trying to poison my ear as you have done so far. if you choose the latter though, i will take this as an attempt to harm me and take couter measures, one of them being that i will do NOTHING that you woulöd like and BAN all your influence from ym life.

than you say bye to the voice, and start the reasearch

allow the voice NOT to interfere/interact with you while you research it. if you have questions, try divination and meditation to find out what the vo9ice is about. when you have some background info and so on, address the voice again, allow it to speak, but only to answer your questions you have made up beforehand.

this way explore. than you can strill make a decission, but you need to know first whom you are dealing with

[Autumn-Forest]

Thank you Czechwoods. :) I did a little journeying, and here is what I found:


what or whom does it represent ? My anger/aggerivation and sometimes depression, hostility towards other partners he's had.

what is the gender of the voice ? Male, he told me his name, Chalkdust, a few months ago.

what does it tell you ? That I am not worthy, that touching my fiance is nasty and disgusting, that I am insane for thinking these things, that the world is a pile of sh*t and I am not allowed to have joy for being intimate w/ my sweetie, for it is not special anymore.

why is it telling you that stuff ? I asked, and it told me to make me feel badly. No underlining message, just to feel badly about myself and my fiance, because up until this, I've not found a thing wrong with him.

who takes advantage/disadvantage if you do what this voice sais and if you dont do it? I get disadvantages if I listen, and he gets advantages. For example, if I listen to him he sucks me into his world and his world is depressing. He tells me the only way to make it stop is self-harm. I battle it off, most of the time. Sometimes I drag Josh, my fiance, into it. Sometimes screaming and yelling, crying and abusing. I tell him sorry, he knows what I am going through and he comforts me, telling me he wishes he could help. He also trys to get me to think positivitly, and Chalkdust doesn't like that, but I try to make it positive anyways. Just lately i've tried battling him hardcore, I have to say it out loud, I feel really insane and its a little embarssing to admit all of this. I don't want to be crazy. But I used to just let it take over, thinking I am weak, but recently, i've told him he is not me. And he gets really small and fades away only insulting a little.

This has seemed to work, but I don't want to live my life like this. He is going to Missouri for a court date on Friday and won't be back until Wednesday Nov. 8th and i'm reallly afraid that things will get bad when he's gone because that is where all of his partners are.

Now, now, don't think that I think he will cheat on me, I know he will not. This is not the problem. He is very faithful and he'd be the last person to cheat on me. I am really leary of men and I only let a few into my life because I've been hurt by them plenty of times, so I DO know for sure that he will not hurt me like that.

I don't know what the problem is. I do know when I recoginized Chalkdust (Oh great, i'm refering to my insanity by its name.) he seemed to calm down and fade out. When I told him its my life, he seemed to go away also.

Thank you everyone for caring so much, you're all helping tremendously. I hope you guys do not think I am insane, these are some crazy intimate thoughts that I am sharing with everyone.....

peace, love, and blessed be-
Autumn

[Semele]

Do your insecurities stem from the age difference somewhere down the line?

[Autumn-Forest]

Hmm...no. I like that he's older. He gives me wisdom, and insight on how not to make the mistakes he did and since i'm younger, I keep him young. It works. So I don't think so.

I'm so complicated. :(

[TheWomanMonster]

You're not complicated! You're interesting! :)
I'm sure that you'll be able to work through your problems and be happy. We're always here to listen. :)
*hugs*

[CzechWoods]

you are neither complicated nor insane

CHALKDUST
nice he has dropped his disguise so beautifully. eat dust, chalkdust even, and it will make you get very sick, vomit throw up etc. in the metaphoric way, eating dust means crawl on the floor.

this is what Challkdust does to you. why ? because that way you are UNDER CONTROL.

the puking from th metaphor above could be the self harm tendencies. self harm gives you the approval of being IN control.

this is a classic conflict most of us know and have, but most people arent aware of it and therefore react the way they do, suppress this and tabuize it in general, by stating people like you, were insane.
no you arent. not in my book anyway. i find even more sane than most people who are not even aware of those Chalkdust voices in them

your quote about you liking him being older though , because he gives you wisdom that way, shows that Chalkdust has astill a mighty big influence on you through the pass/chanel of you feeling inferior or insufficiant.

make yourself aware that these feelings are not genuinly yours or rather originally yours but were/are introduced/forced upon you through Chalkdust, as a very efficiant way to again keep you in line / down / in comntrol.

you need to look at the control thing, and will discover that everything Chalkdust is about is CONTROL in any form. he poisons your ear about danger ahead: your fiance goes where the other ex-partners are, and as you are inferior to them there is danger, which is obvious because you havent listened to Chalkdusts advise, and are with an inputre older sex experienced guy, and as you are worthless anyway, and the fiance will eventually find out, you need to have some more control on the situation etc etc.

if ay of that bullcrap above hit home with you, or reminded you of chalkdusts crap, you know what i am talking about.

its not because i am cooperating with ths chalkdust that i know how he drives you, and tries to control you, its because i have fought many one of his kind, on my own battlefields and on many other peoples battlefields, and those "soldiers of the control illusion" work abit all as one, following similar patterns

yes i said illusion, because once you understand that there is no control whatsoever, suddenly they lose power over you.

i would like to tell you to also research these things along the line s of possible abuse you may have suffered in the past - all kinds of abuse as source are possible: from violence/denial of affection/attention/love within childhood, sexual abuse etc.

the forementioned stones would help you in this a lot, along with pink kunzite to help you heal your heart a bit more.

Chalkdust cannot critisize you anyway, you know ? Because he can only destroy and poison. does chalkdust offer alternatives ? NO. because after this man in your life, even if you separated, chalkdust would nag you about now you being inpure OR about how all men are crap, or even have the nerves telling you: you had a chance wqith that nice older guy but you blew it. because you see, to keep you small and in control, deminished and broken, any lie will do. any argument any unreal criticism. chalkdust believes he can make you believe that it is HOIS game and HIS rules, but BUZZZZZZ WRONG!

this is your chance to understand.

because if chalkdust needs to be breaking you, and leaving you the only way out of his trap by making you hurt yourself, it also means that he fears you and your strength

think about it.

what if you were not inferiour but on the ciontrary, supperior?
imaginbe, what would it mean if you were a being responsible for her own actions and thoughts
imagine, if you had the power to make decisions without listening to some chalkdust ?

go into this feeling

what would it feel like ?
how would you feel ?
how would chalkdust feel ?
how much influence would chalkdust have ?
how would he like the new position ?

and how about you ?
how would you feel ?
what would it make out of yourself ?

would you still need self-destructory motions in your life?
would you still need pain to feel alive ?

and where is chalkdust now ?



and take it steps more far

who is chalkdust
do not stop at the name
start from the name

is it a teacher ?
is it a parent ?
is it a silbling ?

who is in the coat of chalkdust

what is the chalkdust concept

:flowers: and :hugz: for the path before you



oh and a last questions from me albeit a blasphemous one.

you sign with love light for all

does that include chalkdust ?
will chalkdust (who obviously tyranizes you) the same amoundt of love as your fiance?
who takes advantage and what kind of
who takes disadvantage and what kind of

ok, leaving you for now, thats enough questions.

ps. you may also just answer them not publically. i dont want to force/encourage you to strip nakey publically even if its only metaphoric. what i have done was a kind of free consulting to you, showing you a path out of your curent trap situaton.

i would very much feel bad, if this idea was misunderstood and made you feel any kind of bad, as it aims to make you feel a whole lot better for the time to come

just saying

[Tanya]

Autumn, I am married to a 'much older' man, and yep, he's had more lovers than me. I've had enough to know what I like in and out of the bed and I assume he has too.

For years he wouldn't tell me how many, and that did make me tense. When he finally DID admit it, it wasn't as many as I imagined, so, any insecurities I had about it were just silly, and clearly he was feeling insecure or he wouldn't have let me just guess about it.

The long and short is, you are the best total package he's ever had, or he would be with one of those others. Let it go. When you find you are having obbsessive thoughts, try to do something elsa, and talk to him.

Since my husband was dating in the 70s his behavior and the social morays were quite different, and he actually regrets many of his past experiences...

I can say with pride I deeply loved my lovers and I think he's actually jeleous, not of my numbers, but that there are other men out there I loved, while for him there are just other women he F@^&*ed.

[Autumn-Forest]

Thank you everyone. :)

Czech Woods, I would like to straigthen somethings out first, :). Chalkdust is only around when I start to feel icky about my sweetie's others, and that is the only time I feel inferior, I'm not always at his power. But you did have everything else right, and I don't mind answer on here because others may be able to help, so I will do just that, :).

what if you were not inferiour but on the ciontrary, supperior?
imaginbe, what would it mean if you were a being responsible for her own actions and thoughts
imagine, if you had the power to make decisions without listening to some chalkdust ?

go into this feeling

what would it feel like ? It would feel so free, and wonderful. Healed, ultimately out of everything.

how would you feel ? Relieved.

how would chalkdust feel ? He wouldn't exist, he feeds off what I don't want rather than what I do.

how much influence would chalkdust have ? None to little.

how would he like the new position ? He'd hate it, but that'd be too bad.

and how about you ?
how would you feel ? I would love it, so much.

would you still need self-destructory motions in your life? Most def. not.

and where is chalkdust now ? Gone

and take it steps more far

who is chalkdust
do not stop at the name
start from the name

is it a teacher ? I very much think he's a teacher. He teaches me to ignore the good, focus on the bad. Thats the only thing real.


who is in the coat of chalkdust

what is the chalkdust concept

and for the path before you

you sign with love light for all

does that include chalkdust ? No, not at all.
will chalkdust (who obviously tyranizes you) the same amoundt of love as your fiance? I hate Chalkdust. :(


Thank you for trying to figure this out you guys are really helping me more than anyone else has this far.

Tanya-
Thats really good that you two are alright about how partners you've had. You've mentioned that you both have had enough partners to know what you want. I've only had him, though, and he's told me that i'm the best hes ever had. I should believe it, but Chalkdust is evillllll. :/ Also, any of the people that I have let me touch or me touch them have been loved by me, hes had plenty of one night stands and such. Its icky in my head because its like anyone can have him.......I don't know.


I feel bad. :(
Trying to be a better person, trying to think positivitly. Its so hard, you guys. You are all helping me so much, bless your souls!!!!!!!!!!!

blessed be-
Autumn

[Autumn-Forest]

Well, he's in Missouri right now and Chalkdust flipped out when I was talking to him when I was on the road. It was horrible. IT WAS HORRIBLE. I hate myself sometimes. :/ Not necessarily myself, more a less him. I hate Chalkdust.


I wish it would stop.

I called a friend in tears telling her that I wish it would stop coming and she calmed me down. I called Josh and told him that I was sorry for doing this AGAIN. He said it was alright, its a rough patch, we'll get through it.

Such a great man he is.


My head. Is. Sick.
blessings,
Autumn

[CzechWoods]

Well, he's in Missouri right now and Chalkdust flipped out when I was talking to him when I was on the road. It was horrible. IT WAS HORRIBLE. I hate myself sometimes. :/ Not necessarily myself, more a less him. I hate Chalkdust.


I wish it would stop.

I called a friend in tears telling her that I wish it would stop coming and she calmed me down. I called Josh and told him that I was sorry for doing this AGAIN. He said it was alright, its a rough patch, we'll get through it.

Such a great man he is.


My head. Is. Sick.
blessings,
Autumn


stop hating Chalkdust. hate is what he feeds on. ignore him. at least try to. whneever he appears in your head, you calmly say the very same thing:

i am done with you. go play elsewhere. these grounds you are on, arent you grounds anymore

than go back into the questions catalogue i have given previously:

how would you feel? your answer was RELIEVED AND FREE

so go there. there is no rule saying you have no right to
on the contrary, its a duty, more or less. its your life, not chalkdusts. if chalkdust wants to experience life, he can go to the karma system, and ask to be reborn

what chalkdust does is cowardishthough. he tries to make you learn his lessons, so he can steal them. if the lessons go avry, he will leave you in the crap alone. if they go right, he will take them from you. this is a NO WIN situation for you.

turn it

exclude him

everytime he comes, stick your tongue out and ridiculle him. make fun of him and his tactics, ignore the most you can and laugh at the rest

THIS IS MY LIFE _- not yours. what a sorry dumb attempt of a pain you are, dumbchalk. yepp: havent figured out how to loive but trying to make me feel miserable. go get a life. mine is already taken by myself

along those lines ;)

[Autumn-Forest]

Thank you Czechwoods!

Its so hard to not hate him. I try to calmy push it out of my head, but it takes over, or I let it take over, i'm not sure which. It has been better, but I need to learn how to stay in control. This should help.

Thank you very much!

[Autumn-Forest]

things are getting better, I've told my friend about the things that go on inside my head and she makes me feel better. :)

Thank you all for the support you've given to me, I don't know what I would do without it.

blessed be-
Autumn

[Autumn-Forest]

ACK! It happened again today, my head acting up! AHHH!!!

I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! :(


..someone, save me. :(

[Autumn-Forest]

I'm feeling really crappy again. If you have some kind words to share, that would help.

Damn this ongoing process. I want to fix it up.

peace

[Autumn-Forest]

Blessings everyone!
I do not mean to reserrect old threads, but I thought I needed to tell everyone this!
I think I may have defeated Chalkdust! He hasn't acted up since late Novemeber and it made room for my sweet happiness i've been reaching for. I have you guys, my fiancee and myself to thank! I thought I would let everyone know this who has helped me, without you guys I think I would be in my own pile of misery. So thank you so much.

blessed be-
Autumn-Forest

[Brightshores]

I didn't see this thread until this morning.. but :hugz: to you and I'm so happy that things worked out for you in such a lovely way. :)

[sarabethv]

I just saw this - good luck to you sweetie.

[Autumn-Forest]

Thank you guys so much, even now. :)
I know I can count on my brothers and sisters on here.
Blessed be to you all who've helped and encouraged me, even now it means the world to me. :)