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Marcasite
October 29th, 2006, 07:39 PM
In just about 7 months (eee!) I'm going to get married and with that comes Andrew's mother. She's a nice enough woman with good intentions, but the endless advice drives me nuts! I'm in university full time and she's after me for not holding a part time job and making her son support me. She keeps asking when we're going to have grandchildren (not yet!!!!) and why we should just elope because we are poor. It's not even that she says these things but that she goes on and on in an "I'm right you're wrong" lecturing manner for ages. Andrew has absolutely no backbone when it comes to his mom and I don't want to cause upset so I just silently seethe about the unwanted advice. Is it going to be like this forever?

Do you get along with your MIL?

Athena-Nadine
October 29th, 2006, 07:45 PM
I'm sorry you're going through that. I don't have any advice, just a :hugz: .

I have two, yes two, Mothers-In-Law. My husband has a mother and a step-mother he is almost as close to. I guess I'm lucky. While I am closer to his mother, I get along wonderfully with both of them. I think, though, that it may be because we were older when we got married (I was 31 and he was 36). We had both been established in our own lives for a good while already, and my husband was never one to put up with nagging from his parents or anyone.

Brightshores
October 29th, 2006, 08:23 PM
I also have two mothers-in-law, the same situation (although my husband isn't nearly as close to his stepmother-in-law). I get along wonderfully with both of them, although they are as different as night and day... I'm really lucky with my married-into-family. Not so much with my birth family, unfortunately - but my in-laws are all wonderful.

Don't seethe - don't hold it all in. It's not fair to either of you. Be honest with your fiance about how you feel and about what bothers you. You two are going to be the center of a new family, and while yes, she will be a part of it, you have to make sure that the two of you are understanding each other, communicating, and are on the same page. He doesn't have to enter into conflict with his mom, but he can help change the subject when the conversation gets uncomfortable, and he can help defuse some of her unreasonable lecturing.

If all else fails, just limit the amount of time you spend with her, or make sure there's always another activity going on.. for example, it's hard to lecture someone if you're watching a movie or cooking a big dinner together.

Good luck - sorry you have to deal with this.

Tanya
October 29th, 2006, 09:21 PM
This is why we have to wait to be grown up to get married... to lock horns with out mother in alws with strength determination and tact.

Smile, be polite and say "Well, WE are not really interested in that at this point." "I can't say that's a priority for US."

or "Husband and I have already descided this is right for us."

Hammer home you and husband will be making the descisions together... without her.

At the most EVER give her, "That might be something Husband and I should discuss." NEVER let her be part of the descisionmaking process (too much power) but show her you value her as a wise counseller and show appriciation for her interest and advise... just don't let her go thinking that means you will be automatically taking it.

Everntually she will grow to respect you.

Give no quarter. Take no prisoners... this is your life..be firm and kind but do not be bullied or she will do it all the time.

RainInanna
October 29th, 2006, 10:19 PM
My boyfriend's mother law so far hasn't given any advice, but then again she knows after 30 years with her son that he doesn't take advice as well. Actually his aunt pushes more regarding when we're getting married.

Chesna
October 29th, 2006, 10:20 PM
I agree with most of everyone's advice...and I can not stress enough...talk to your fiance NOW!!! If you don't tell him now how she she is making you feel and come up with a way to deal now.....it will not get any better. But you do need to be civil.
My MIL likes to say things that iritate me..but I just say thanks...we are gonna try this way..or this is our decision.....I wish you good luck!!

Chesna

HorseCrow
October 30th, 2006, 05:22 AM
Yes, all/most of the time

Mouse
October 30th, 2006, 09:43 AM
Sometimes.
She live in a different state, but when she comes to visit I take frequent breaks. She means well, but she completely takes over everything no matter what and is parranoid about house keeping. Clean is good, I agree. But if I've spent a week scrubbing to prepare for someone's visit I don't appreciate them re-cleaning my entire house because it's not good enough :lol:
She's also waaay opinionated, which is fine most of the time until she attacts my religion, or my family.

But, as I said, she lives in a different state. We get along well because we rarely have to see each other.

ladyalpha
October 30th, 2006, 09:46 AM
I get along great with my mother-in-law. My husband didn't have much of a relationship with her before we started dating. But after we started dating and got pregnant with our first daughter, they started speaking to each other a lot more often. I tease him that she loves me because I got him talking to her again. The three extra grandkids has nothing to do with it. lol

However, if I had actually married the first man that I was engaged to it would have been a completely different story. Thankfully though I was able to see a way out after awhile and I was smart enough to take it. I am grateful for that experience though as it helped me learn to be myself and stand up in the beginning what would or would not happen. (Not quite the same situation your in..but the mother was very controlling and rude..and he was a total momma's boy, refusing to stand up for me in any way. Probably because she didn't treat him that way, just me. He also had her personality so it just wasn't good with any of them, especially since I don't do well with being controlled. lol).

I wish you luck with your situation. You have been given some great advice. If nothing else always talk to your fiance. Without communication things won't get better.

Marcasite
October 30th, 2006, 10:00 AM
Thanks for all the advice!
My fiance knows very well about the issue, we do talk about it often, but he really doesn't stand up to her. It's like on "Everybody Loves Raymond". He trembles before her. One time I told him that his Mom called and asked if he would please set her straight on the fact that we're having a wedding. He started with "We're not calling off the wedding" was reduced to "If circumstances changed we might call off the wedding" and ended with "If something were to happen, calling off the wedding and eloping wouldn't be such a bad thing"
Now I can't change the man, he's a very forward person except when it comes to his Mom. But I don't think I'm getting any help on that front.
My problem is I'm very shy and I don't like conflict. And I know I need to get passed that, but I don't want to do it by causing problems with his mom before we're married. I want to approach her firmly but gently, but I always lose my resolve and say "we'll think about it" or I try and change the subject which doesn't work well.
Maybe it is that we're so young that everyone wants to tell us what to do (but I don't take it from my parents, I've been standing up to them since I was 14 :P) But we are adults and we are getting married and we can make decisions for ourselves.

ladyalpha
October 30th, 2006, 10:16 AM
I am 30 years old and have finally had to tell my mother that I don't need her worrying about me and I have grown up. I have a brain, I know things and she should be proud of the woman she raised.
Now you would think that by 30 I wouldn't have to say these things to my mother..but parents tend to lose sight of that fact sometimes. As my mom put it "I just worry about you". In actuality you could leave the part after the word "worry" and she would fill it in. lol

Perhaps that is what the problem is here. These things can be said by both of you to her without having to lose your tempers or alienate her in any way. Either you or your fiance, or both of you..could say along the lines of "I/we know you love me/us and that your only saying these things because you care and worry. But, we are adults now and we have to make decisions on our own. Right, wrong or indifferent, we can not grow and learn without being able to make these decisions ourselves". (If he is talking to her, he should point out all the wonderful things she has taught him. If your talking, you should point out all the qualities that she taught him that you see and love in him).
This is a way of getting your authority back and letting her know that you two are adults. But also a way of making her feel good about the job that she has done.

Marcasite
October 30th, 2006, 10:22 AM
Thanks, that is really great advice. And I'm sure if I approached it like that, it wouldn't hurt her feelings either. I think I'll do that next time she starts lecturing.

Strange Coincidence, in today's newspaper there's a story about a municipal candidate who is campaigning with the help of his MIL. The story also includes a quote from Margaret Mead (anthropologist):"Of all the peoples whom I have studied, from city dwellers to cliff dwellers, I always find that at least 50% would prefer to hae at least one jungle between themselves and their mothers-in-law" :lol:

Annest
November 7th, 2006, 09:58 AM
I get along great with my MIL, as long as we donīt talk about her son, my ex. He doesnīt give a hoot about our son and is behaving like a spoiled five year old. Both my MIL and I try to make sure we do not talk about my ex. We both know that we do not agree on that subject...and never will...

Anne

Flux
November 7th, 2006, 02:14 PM
No, I don't get along with her. I tried for years to love that woman and she simply makes it impossible. The problems, however, are nothing like those that you have with your MIL.

wrenjamin
November 7th, 2006, 03:46 PM
I get along pretty well with my future MIL (not engaged, living together). She is a wonderful woman, but has a drinking problem...If anything it just hurts me to see the boy in such pain when she makes these decisions. It could be worse though - at her worst the most she's done is repeat how much she loves me/thinks I'm beautiful.

Marcasite, hang in there! As long as you and your fiance are happy, then I would say don't let her get to you. I know, I know...eaiser said than done, right? Hopefully once you two are together longer, she will see how serious you are and lay off. :hugs:

mayu
November 7th, 2006, 05:38 PM
Give no quarter. Take no prisoners... this is your life..be firm and kind but do not be bullied or she will do it all the time.

how right you are,

my mother in law is very headstrong when it comes to us, she thinks she is head of this family as well, we have had a few run ins and locked horms over a few things but i must admit i did tend to give in before for a quite life i dont anymore, the difference, i got pregnant, no one is going to tell me what to do when i have a baby to take care of, so i think i sorta made this bed for myself and now i have to fight to get out of it,

it wont be easy but i will do it, without hurting her feeling either if i can help it.

dragoncrone
November 7th, 2006, 08:07 PM
Danger! Danger!

"... has no backbone when it comes to his mother..."

After threescore years on the planet and three marriages, I've figured out a couple of things. One of them is, if a guy is Mr. Invertebrate before the wedding, he ain't gonna change afterward. You will be on your own defending your turf against Mama Barracuda; he has spent his life being bossed around and sees nothing wrong with it. Either that or he's got it all stuffed down inside so deep that it's messing him up in manifestations yet to come for years.

I hate to be so brutally blunt. But think long and hard about entering into this family and how it will affect your peace of mind and your future.:excuseme:

Thunder
November 7th, 2006, 08:52 PM
My wife's mother died before my wife and I met. I do still get along famously with both my ex MIL and my ex step MIL. Life's grand ... ain't it?

Sorry... no advice... even with the background information you have provided there's way to little to go on. You'll figure it out... I have faith :)

wintermagick
November 7th, 2006, 11:47 PM
Wow... I'm in the top percent! Apparently most here get along with MIL so far.

I'm very fortunate, my MIL and I are very close.

MorningDove030202
November 8th, 2006, 12:17 AM
Repeat after me.....

"Thanks mom! I'll take that into consideration!"

Then go do whatever you and your hubbie want to do.

And yes, it will go on like that forever, until you hubbie stands up to her, because it's really his place to do that, since it's his mom. You can try to stand up to her, but it probably won't do any good. He needs to do it.

Dove


In just about 7 months (eee!) I'm going to get married and with that comes Andrew's mother. She's a nice enough woman with good intentions, but the endless advice drives me nuts! I'm in university full time and she's after me for not holding a part time job and making her son support me. She keeps asking when we're going to have grandchildren (not yet!!!!) and why we should just elope because we are poor. It's not even that she says these things but that she goes on and on in an "I'm right you're wrong" lecturing manner for ages. Andrew has absolutely no backbone when it comes to his mom and I don't want to cause upset so I just silently seethe about the unwanted advice. Is it going to be like this forever?

Do you get along with your MIL?

angelmikayla
November 8th, 2006, 06:14 AM
I get along with my mother in law but I think it's mostly because my husband and I live over an hour away so we rarely see his parents. My family lives over 4 hours away so my husband is very lucky...we've been married over a year and he's only meet my mother once!

Darkest Eve
September 19th, 2008, 03:10 PM
Most of the time, yes.

I get along with both of them. (Cuz he has 2 'moms')

There are days, when I'd like to strangle them, and vice-versa... but we're all adults, so we behave like adults. :lol: Easier said than done sometimes, but so far, we manage.

Glowingsun
October 27th, 2008, 06:48 PM
My inlaws make soooooooooooooo angry and stressed. just the things that fly out of their mouths is so irritating. My in-laws don't even want to talk about me and fiance getting married. Plans for a wedding have been delayed for years.
I think the most worst thing they have said is that because I don't bring home a pay check and don't pay for the mortgage I don't have a right to lay down the ground rules in the house. I have a daughter and my rules are crucial. No smoking in the house is the main one. My in-laws think that the only reason that he shouldn't smoke in the house is that my mom (who currently owns our house) pays for the insurance. Otherwise I have no right to my health.
I really think they don't give a damn about what happens to me. When I met them the 2nd or 3rd time they asked me if the cyst in my head was actually cancer. They asked this in a very very cruel angry tone. Like if it were cancer than I have no right in being with their son.
My mom in-law says I shouldn't rely on my notions and just do things cause I have to.
My father in-law has a bottled up temper and gets this awful sour look on his face when he is angry. He won't say much but you can sense the anguish strongly. He also has a hot temper on the road. But because he tok defensive driving course, he complains and rants the whole drive. You just can't enjoy the journey because he's too busy trying to get from point A to B as fast as he can. He aslo has a sarcastic sense of humor. If you can call it humor. And he's very very nosy. I could be having a quite short discusiion with my man and his dad will be like "Whats wrong?" My fiance is finally getting the factt hat I don't want personal jokes and convo's blurted out to his parents.
I try to avoid these people as much as possible. It's soooo hard.
They even invited themselves and the whole family to our house for christmas. They are in for a big culture shock.

*~Amora~*
October 27th, 2008, 07:37 PM
My MIL is a doter, clingy, and she gets extremely irrational and anxious over little things. I get frustrated with her sometimes for how she needs my husband to counsel her through her anxieties and refuses to seek professional help. On the other hand, she is very sweet and very generous. She wants to help, she just worries too much for me to confide much in her, particularly about my worries.

As for "will it go on forever" that's up to you and your husband. You both are going to need to prioritize your new immediate family (you both as a married unit) above all other relationships. And she needs to respect that.

I know I say this a lot, but I would highly recommend you both seek therapy. It's important to work on this stage of development, and recognize that it's a developmental change for your parents. Not only that, but it's a very stressful time, and a professional can teach you coping techniques.

May Hera bless you and your husband.

ErinTheWitch
October 27th, 2008, 08:05 PM
I get along with my MIL ok she's really sweet. My FIL on the other hand I'm not entirely fond of. Just some of the things that come out of his mouth are horrindous! Like he thinks calling his granddaughter (not my baby) a bitch is an ok joke to make with me. But he kinda gets away with it because he's disabled from a horrible car accident when he was 19. He's gotten a bit better though cause he's on meds now.

~Elise~
October 27th, 2008, 08:27 PM
My MIL was fine...she is crossed over now, but we didn't have problems. She lived a couple of hours away, so that helped.

It also helped that Rick and I weren't 'first timers' at the marriage games. She was happy to see him settled with someone who loved him and was taking care of him.

She stayed with us a week a few years ago. I enjoyed listening to her stories of when she was younger and also, I didn't hide anything around our house, she took it all in stride, seemingly anyway.

I noticed she'd moved a couple of things on the ancestor altar...but since they were her husband's things, I didn't worry. I also found her looking through one of my books one evening...I never heard anything from her about it...and always wondered what she thought. It was my teaching copy of Be A Goddess...the chapter I was working on that week was on Sex...and I had lots of notes of my own in the margins and on post-its.

Now...my ex-MILs, of which I have two...one was not so nice, but I never had THAT many problems from her AND she did admit that I was the ONLY one of her daughters or DIL that ever took Thanksgiving over for her and let her have a year off.

My other MIL died from Alzhiemers...saddest thing I've ever seen. She broke my heart once on the phone when she said that sometimes she woke up and didn't know who she was. Still makes me heart broken.

Elise

orangeconey
October 28th, 2008, 12:09 AM
MIL has an alpha complex. 'Nuff said. :kooky:

It's a shame cause she could really be someone I'd like to know.

Clair de la Lune
October 28th, 2008, 12:33 AM
In just about 7 months (eee!) I'm going to get married and with that comes Andrew's mother. She's a nice enough woman with good intentions, but the endless advice drives me nuts! I'm in university full time and she's after me for not holding a part time job and making her son support me. She keeps asking when we're going to have grandchildren (not yet!!!!) and why we should just elope because we are poor. It's not even that she says these things but that she goes on and on in an "I'm right you're wrong" lecturing manner for ages. Andrew has absolutely no backbone when it comes to his mom and I don't want to cause upset so I just silently seethe about the unwanted advice. Is it going to be like this forever?

Do you get along with your MIL?

Yes, unless he gets a backbone, or until you move away. Sorry, just had to lay it out for you. My Mom has been there and done that, and so have I. I don't have the MIL in my life anymore or that ex anymore for that matter (thank the gods)! My Mom and Dad are still married though. It may take years, but it can happen to work out for you. I feel your pain (in the butt). hehe (sorry to make a joke of it, not funny I know..) :hugz:

If this isn't what you want, just think about it...It may not get better, and if it doesn't, can you live with a 3rd person in your marriage (his Mother butting in)? You may have to have a serious talk with him now before you go down the aisle. Don't keep bringing up how awful she is, or he will take her side!

After that, just nod your head, be polite to her, and get off the phone. Don't give her any information she can use. See her as little as possible and don't have him go over there without you...who knows what she is filling his head with when you're not there. Just keep him happy and busy in a good way with being extra attentive, affectionate, etc.! Train him by being extra good to him when he's been good.:kooky: He may soon be like, Mom... who?:smile:

Hope this helps!