Old memeber who needs tons of support

[confused.woman]

Ok, I created a different account because I don't want any backlash on my main. That said, I need some serious help.

I walked out on my husband saturday night. I've never really been happy with our relationship, but he did make me smile on occasion, and I didn't want to go back to my parents and get the "we're better than you are, we were right..." and so on. I've stayed with him.

A few weeks back I got in touch with an old friend. I've known him for 6 years, and we've dated a little bit. I left him under not quite the best of circumstances, but he's forgivin me for the way I treated him. Great right? Yeah, that's what I thought, until I relalised how much I was unhappy with my husband.

I am not the most important thing to him, unless he wants sex. Then, he gets his, and is done. Not my idea of intamcy. This feeling backed up by him having to do some deep thinking as to wether or not he wanted to go out on a fun date with me, or to go play D&D really hurts me too. I can't figure out how he can say he loves me so much, and yet not want to spend some time with me while I'm actually home.

Also, his friends hate me. He got married, and now has to actually spend less time with his friends because, that's right, his wife wants some love and affection. *gasp* The horror! How dare I want my husbands love! *slaps wrists* I'm so horrible! Right now they're trying to be supportive and help him, but he's not willing to let the know of the fact that he doesn't do any of the things I enjoy, but I'm expected to jump when he grasciously invites me to one of his things. Thanks, but no thanks.

There was a Samhain party on saturday that I didn't want him to go to, because everytime I start talking to new people, he jumps in and grabs all the attention. Makes it kind of hard for a shy girl to make friends when her DH pushes her out of the way to talk to new people.

Ok, so I didn't actually get to the party. I was talking with my ex on IM, and he was being really quite supportive of me. I realise that the only reason I truly started second guessing my relationship (I'd harbored the thoughts, but wouldn't leave because I was familiar with him, and didn't want to hurt him). I decided that in order to help me figure out what I needed to do, I needed to see my ex. 4.5 hours later, I'm with him.

Yup, that's right, I drove 4.5 hours to see an ex on the guy feeling that it needed to be done. I really care for him, and he actually shows that he cares about me. It's quite nice really. He and I have been cuddling and loving eachother since last night when I showed up. Here's where this gets kind of sticky (no pun intended...). He and I have had more sex in the last day than I've ever had with my DH. And to boot, when my DH and I "make love" it's more like an unenjoyable process. With my ex (virgin that he is, such a sweetie), it was amazing from the start. He's so gentle, and caring, it's quite nice to actually be with him. We cuddled afterwards, and hugged and talked, and all is great. Many times great actually *coughs* Yeah, I know, I've cheated, and that makes me no better than when DH cheated on me. But I feel so right down here. I've put in for a transfer to the college down here for the better schooling and better atmosphere. I just feel like this is where I should be right now.

Problem is, I don't know what to do. I really care about DH, but I don't want to be with him. However, I don't know that I can afford to be on my own right now due to the fact that I'm out of work due to an injury. I don't know how SS or unemployment work for that, but it's on my list of things to find out. I also don't know if I can get an annulment on my marriage, or if I have to go thorugh the divorce process. I feel like I didn't have an exit when I got married (yeah, bull honkey, I know). I couldn't go to my parents, and I don't really have friends in the area, so staying and getting married made the most sense, logically. I've now seen the error in that logic though, and now have the process of fixing everything.

Oh, and I think I might be pregnant. I'm about when I should be ovulating, so, yeah. Fun times, I'll know in a week.:nuhuh:

[TheWomanMonster]

whoa... *hugs* it's okay. I'm here for you.
If you need to talk in private we can.

Sending you energy to make the right action clear.
*hugs again*

[Against The Tide]

I think you are strong enough to get through this - You were unhappy, you were unsatisfied and unapreciated, you are fully justified in what you did and now you have the freedom to set your life straight as you mean it to be.

Don't lose momentum. Don't lose sight of your dream - You have a goal, college, follow it through. Try and get in touch with old friends, even if they are far away and move in if that will cut cost of living (will aso be better for you to have friend close to hand).

If you care about DH but don't want to be with him then spend a bit of time away from him before offering the flag of 'Just friends' you need to worry about your own needs before his at the moment, if you are still on friendly terms see if he will help support you until you are well again, but don't fall into the going back trap (unless things realy will change, but I think even that won't be enough).

Im pretty useless but PM me anytime for hugs a chat.

Sending positive energy your way - this is a good thing rememer, you're free, the first day of the rest of your life, think of it like that.

[Xander67]

well,
I think you should talk with your mother at least and let her know what is going on, yeah, she may try to say she told you so, but maybe if you tell her you really need her support right now....

staying with the DH is something I would advise against.. My advice is to move in with your folks for a while untill you get things sorted out...
moving right back in with your ex is something I would advise against right now... it could be that he gave you the attention and the affection you neeeded... but take it slow ok?

especially if you are pregnant, you dont want to feel like you are being trapped... you do need your mother's support right now...

If you are ever going to be free of the DH then you need to make a move ... it wont be easy... but I would advise against moving 4.5 hours away from home untill you know for sure that you and the "ex" have a chance at things...

just my advice, I hope everything works out :)

[confused.woman]

well,
I think you should talk with your mother at least and let her know what is going on, yeah, she may try to say she told you so, but maybe if you tell her you really need her support right now....

It's not that easy. My parents have never really supported me when I made a mistake, or needed their help. It's always just been about them being right, and me being like a pet to them.

staying with the DH is something I would advise against.. My advice is to move in with your folks for a while untill you get things sorted out...
moving right back in with your ex is something I would advise against right now... it could be that he gave you the attention and the affection you neeeded... but take it slow ok?

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. Like I said, going home isn't really an option, I'd rather be uncomfortable here, than harassed at my parent's place. I'm not going to move in with my ex, that seems like a self-defeating purpose. I don't even know how I feel about him, but he does give me comfort.

especially if you are pregnant, you dont want to feel like you are being trapped... you do need your mother's support right now...

If you are ever going to be free of the DH then you need to make a move ... it wont be easy... but I would advise against moving 4.5 hours away from home untill you know for sure that you and the "ex" have a chance at things...

just my advice, I hope everything works out :)

The move is not for my ex, never was. I really want to go to a good business school, and that's the place to do it. Great accademics, and an environment where I can be away from everything that's here. Thanks for all the support everyone.

[BlueEyedWolf]

:hugz: :hugz: :hugz:

[Nerts]

I think you are strong enough to get through this - You were unhappy, you were unsatisfied and unapreciated, you are fully justified in what you did and now you have the freedom to set your life straight as you mean it to be.

I agree with this statement 100%!!! I went through much the same thing a few years ago. Looking back on it my wife and I never got along all that well to begin with. We'd been married for two and a half years and then I met this girl, this ray of sunshine, and all was good. I'm now fully divirced from my wife and have been living happily with my girlfriend for the last three years. Honestly they've been the best three years of my life.

If you need to move away, do it. Give you and your husband a break. Maybe all it will take is a little time away to see the good in each other. And if not then you carry on with your life. The most important thing is for YOU to be happy.

I'm not sure where you live but if you can find a 'home divorce kit' they work pretty well and don't cost you the $1000's of dollars a lawyer would cost. All it takes is some effort on your part and you'll be 'free' in no time!

Good luck and PM if you need a sounding board.

E.

[confused.woman]

I'm terrified right now. DH just walked out, and I don't know where he went, which is understandable. I told him that I slept with my ex, and he asked a series of questions.. are you sure it wasn't just fooling around (yes), did he fulfill you (in some ways), do you want to be with him (i don't know), did he orgasm inside you (yes), did you like it (yes), do you regret it (no), and so on. Then he asked, if I was pregnant, would I keep him. I gave him a solid yes, and he got furious. I understand that he's mad at me, I'd be mad at me too, but I'm so scared as to what he's going to do to me. When he gets angry, it's really scary, and I'm terrified that something will hapen to one of us. I promised him I'd be here when he got back, but I'm so scared.

[Brightshores]

I don't have any actual advice, except to echo the advice already posted to suggest that it's probably a good idea to take everything very slowly right now until you sort out your feelings about everything...

but I mainly just wanted to offer support and :hugz:, and my best wishes for you to find peace, clarity, and comfort.

[confused.woman]

I don't have any actual advice, except to echo the advice already posted to suggest that it's probably a good idea to take everything very slowly right now until you sort out your feelings about everything...

but I mainly just wanted to offer support and :hugz:, and my best wishes for you to find peace, clarity, and comfort.

:hugz: Thanks. I'm a wreck right now.. :hugz:

[CzechWoods]

:hugz:

regardless how muddy the situation, eventually the dirt will fall and the water will clear up

in the mean time, try getting step by step

call SS and ask what would happen if you divorced/broke up with your current husb. the wqay he is treating you is lacking respect to say the least, and i feel it being a kind of abusing

you are a nice matrace for him, and good to draw attention to him etc etc, but where is your place ?

i agree with Xander about the parents thing, especially for the case of you being pregnant.


i feeli like you are alone in company :hugz: which is often worse than being alone on your own. face that things can only get better, even though its not much of comfort now

stone wise:
try wearing a combination of
clear quartz (http://groups.msn.com/czechwoodsgems/clearcrystalquartzbergkristall.msnw) to clear things up and focus; also strengthening the other stones
yellow tigers eye (http://de.msnusers.com/czechwoodsgems/tigerseyetigerauge.msnw), for methodic thinking, organization and money skills, strengthening self esteem
mahogany obsidian (http://de.msnusers.com/czechwoodsgems/obsidian1.msnw), for new beginnings (cause regardless how you will decide, even if you stay in the current relationship with hubby, it will call for a new beginning anyway)
natural blue lace agate (http://de.msnusers.com/czechwoodsgems/chalcedon1.msnw) (chalcedony family) for improved communication skills and finding the right words; also understanding your own feelings.

when the blues takes you, here are cheer up stones
http://groups.msn.com/czechwoodsgems/emotionalhurting.msnw

[confused.woman]

Well, he went to a friends house, and just got back. He won't talk to me at all either. I had to go out to my car, and he sounded worried until I told him that I was not leaving. He just left me a lone. I don't know what's going on, but I'm going to give him his space and just let everything happen.

[TheWomanMonster]

I hope your situation improves. *hugs*
I sort of know how you feel...

[evdiv69]

If you think that you belong with this other gentleman, then you need not think about it any more.... If he makes you happy, and you feel fulfilled. just do it. As for moving down there for your schooling, something will work out for you. I wish you lotsa luck for you any your new man.:cheers: :wave:

P.S. your husband doesn't deserve you if he WON'T spend time with you.

[confused.woman]

If you think that you belong with this other gentleman, then you need not think about it any more.... If he makes you happy, and you feel fulfilled. just do it. As for moving down there for your schooling, something will work out for you. I wish you lotsa luck for you any your new man.:cheers: :wave:

P.S. your husband doesn't deserve you if he WON'T spend time with you.


Thanks for the support :) However, I don't think I really should be with anyone right now. My ex doesn't regret caring about me, but fully regrets the 2 days we spent bonded in bed. It's really painful for me to hear that.

[confused.woman]

Well, he's leaving. He said he doesn't want to sleep here, anywhere in the house. He's going to his parnts place. Is it bad that this almost makes me happy?

[Xander67]

I dont think so ... I think being away from him will give you time to clear your head. You can get a good nights sleep...

you need to get intouch with yourself again, get to know who you are, relationships tend to change a person... so being single will be good for you.

[BlackMagicalCat]

I'm terrified right now. DH just walked out, and I don't know where he went, which is understandable. I told him that I slept with my ex, and he asked a series of questions.. are you sure it wasn't just fooling around (yes), did he fulfill you (in some ways), do you want to be with him (i don't know), did he orgasm inside you (yes), did you like it (yes), do you regret it (no), and so on. Then he asked, if I was pregnant, would I keep him. I gave him a solid yes, and he got furious. I understand that he's mad at me, I'd be mad at me too, but I'm so scared as to what he's going to do to me. When he gets angry, it's really scary, and I'm terrified that something will hapen to one of us. I promised him I'd be here when he got back, but I'm so scared.
What do I know,,no woman should be scared of a man,,if he is that threatening,and if he frightens you that much,,you should have left long ago.

Im for leaving him,just because you are afraid of him.You shouldnt have to live in fear.

I pray this will all work out for you,and your little one.

[BlackMagicalCat]

Well, he's leaving. He said he doesn't want to sleep here, anywhere in the house. He's going to his parnts place. Is it bad that this almost makes me happy?
No,its good to be alone I think too.You need space too.

[Against The Tide]

:hugz: I think DH's reaction is because of the huge shock he recieved. hopefully he'll calm down and be more friendly after the message soaks in. I'm sorry you have to see him like that though.

I still think you are a strong person and ultimately that this will be a possitive change - You just need to ride out the storm. I am sending energy to calm and comfort you. Have a few glasses of wine, a hot bath, some sleep and think about all the ways you can meet your potential when you are standing on your own two feet, unhindered by someone who may have loved you but never respected you.

[confused.woman]

:hugz: I think DH's reaction is because of the huge shock he recieved. hopefully he'll calm down and be more friendly after the message soaks in. I'm sorry you have to see him like that though.

I still think you are a strong person and ultimately that this will be a possitive change - You just need to ride out the storm. I am sending energy to calm and comfort you. Have a few glasses of wine, a hot bath, some sleep and think about all the ways you can meet your potential when you are standing on your own two feet, unhindered by someone who may have loved you but never respected you.

:hugz: Yeah, I don't really blame him for leaving, but i really just wish I was terrified of him. As far as the wine, I think I'll wait :) Infact, I'm going to go test right now, I know it's early, but I have to try. Besides, I always have a short period... I'm going to go ask in my other thread. Thanks for everything ya'll.

[confused.woman]

So, we fought on IM, and here's what happened.

[08:26] Spirit 3787: how are you doing?
[08:26] DeadlyEpyon: How do you think?
[08:26] DeadlyEpyon: You broke my heart. I feel like total shit. I'm still quivering with anger.....
[08:26] DeadlyEpyon: I just don't know what to do
[08:26] Spirit 3787: well, please don't take it out on todd, it's me you're angry with
[08:27] DeadlyEpyon: Are you kidding me!? He told me "I can be honorable with her. I want this to work out for you two"
[08:27] DeadlyEpyon: Honorable my fucking ass!
[08:27] Spirit 3787: yeah, well, we all make mistakes
[08:27] Spirit 3787: i was the one that was there
[08:27] DeadlyEpyon: I thought you said you don't regret it
[08:28] Spirit 3787: i don't, but he does
[08:28] Spirit 3787: simply because of what he told you, and because he values that stupid document
[08:29] DeadlyEpyon: Know what? I kinda thought you did to. Maybe not the paper itself. But those words we spoke on that day... those tears we shed....
[08:29] Spirit 3787: i do care about marriage, but i don't care about feeling alone and like i don't matter
[08:30] DeadlyEpyon: yeah well, that was a mistake on both our parts
[08:30] DeadlyEpyon: this was something else... something on a whole new level
[08:31] DeadlyEpyon: You have no idea the torment I feel inside me
[08:31] Spirit 3787: actually, i can probably get pretty close
[08:31] DeadlyEpyon: I doubt it
[08:31] Spirit 3787: i don't care if you didn't really fuck that bitch, but it sure felt like you may as well have
[08:32] DeadlyEpyon: all I had were words! YOu went there and probably ASKED him to fuck you! and of ALL the times we ever did that, it always hurt. And then the one time you're feeling alone and hurt, you fuck him and suddenly its a wonderful experience
[08:32] DeadlyEpyon: must mean you never really wanted me
[08:33] Spirit 3787: i did not ask him to do anything to me, so don't even start that. it probably felt good because i felt like he actually cared about ME and not just getting his jollies off
[08:33] DeadlyEpyon: Don't you even dare
[08:34] DeadlyEpyon: I loved you with ALL MY HEART!
[08:34] Spirit 3787: that's how i always fucking feel when you want to "do it"
[08:34] DeadlyEpyon: everytime we ever did that, it was out of love, not lust!
[08:34] DeadlyEpyon: yeah, great
[08:34] DeadlyEpyon: thanks for making one of the most special things people can do, be nothing more than a physical reaction
[08:35] DeadlyEpyon: Well, I hope you liked it, because you'll never get that from me again.
[08:35] Spirit 3787: how the hell else am i supposed to feel about it? you're always pushing yourself on me, it was cute at first
[08:35] DeadlyEpyon: I always fucking ASK!
[08:35] DeadlyEpyon: if you don't want it, you push me away
[08:35] Spirit 3787: i don't mean for sex, because that's something i can say no to
[08:36] Spirit 3787: but i can't really say "no" when your penis is in my face
[08:36] DeadlyEpyon: If you didn't want me to do it, you could have just said "stop:
[08:36] DeadlyEpyon: I can at least respect you for that
[08:36] DeadlyEpyon: I'm not a fucking rapist
[08:36] DeadlyEpyon: but I guess I might as well be, huh?
[08:36] Spirit 3787: i know that
[08:38] Spirit 3787: you know what you need? someone with a higher sex drive, and doesn't need to be loved all day and all week
[08:38] Spirit 3787: someone self-sufficient, and someone you don't hate
[08:38] DeadlyEpyon: I loved you all the fucking time!
[08:38] Spirit 3787: i know that
[08:38] DeadlyEpyon: don't you dare say I didn't love you
[08:38] Spirit 3787: but i didn't feel like i was important
[08:38] DeadlyEpyon: I've never hated you
[08:39] Spirit 3787: you need someone who can be themselves without needing you around all of the time
[08:39] DeadlyEpyon: and I felt like you were trying to steer my life
[08:39] Spirit 3787: yeah, towards me
[08:39] Spirit 3787: but you wanted nothing of it
[08:40] DeadlyEpyon: and away from everything else in my life
[08:40] Spirit 3787: michelle time was for when travis felt either 1) that he had to or 2) when it was what he wanted too
[08:40] DeadlyEpyon: and no matter how much time I gave, you always wanted more
[08:40] DeadlyEpyon: or I feel huge guilt for doing things
[08:40] Spirit 3787: bad michelle, 2 days out of travis' busy schedule is too much
[08:41] DeadlyEpyon: everytime I left!
[08:41] Spirit 3787: yeah, i was always fucking sad, put yourself in my shoes for a minute
[08:41] Spirit 3787: i didn't want to guilt you every fucking time
[08:41] Spirit 3787: i never meant to guilt you
[08:42] Spirit 3787: i just wanted to be loved, and feel like i was wanted
[08:42] DeadlyEpyon: yeah? well it still felt that way, with your looks, and your not saying "I love you back"
[08:42] Spirit 3787: i don't always say "i love you" because of the hell i've gone through
[08:42] Spirit 3787: love was something the christopher used against me, in order to have me do what he wanted
[08:42] DeadlyEpyon: I'm sorry it was too much to ask that you simply love me all the time, without condition
[08:43] Spirit 3787: i always fucking loved you
[08:43] DeadlyEpyon: Oh really? It would have been nice to know that
[08:43] Spirit 3787: i'm sorry that you feel i needed to say it in order for it to mean anything
[08:43] DeadlyEpyon: it feels like you take your love from me, when we are in a bad spot and I say I love you and you say "I know you do"
[08:43] Spirit 3787: you never fucking asked! you just always got pissy, and once you were angry i didn't want to agrrivate you
[08:44] DeadlyEpyon: so what?! You should never have been afraid to get your feelings out
[08:44] DeadlyEpyon: it was always something
[08:44] Spirit 3787: you're right
[08:44] Spirit 3787: this is all my fault
[08:44] Spirit 3787: i'm sorry
[08:44] DeadlyEpyon: I didn't say that
[08:45] Spirit 3787: i'm the one who didn't SAY it enough
[08:45] DeadlyEpyon: its my fault the relationship got rocky
[08:45] Spirit 3787: i'm the one who wanted to spend all my time with you
[08:45] DeadlyEpyon: its your fault for fucking another guy when our life was on the line
[08:45] Spirit 3787: it's MY fault that you didn't have enough hours in the day for everyone that demaned your attention
[08:46] Spirit 3787: don't you dare turn something intimate inot nothing more that "fucking"
[08:46] Spirit 3787: i don't care if you call me a whore or a slut
[08:46] DeadlyEpyon: yeah, it hurts doesn't it!!!!
[08:46] DeadlyEpyon: How the fuck do you think I feel!?
[08:46] DeadlyEpyon: now it feels like everytime we screwed around, it was done out of PITY!
[08:47] DeadlyEpyon: everytime we made love.... it wasn't love at all
[08:47] Spirit 3787: it wasn't you ass, and you know it
[08:47] Spirit 3787: i loved you
[08:47] DeadlyEpyon: it was michelle putting up with horny travis
[08:47] Spirit 3787: each time i allowed it to happen was because i wanted it to
[08:47] DeadlyEpyon: and now you don't want me to call your affair intimate? Go figure...
[08:48] Spirit 3787: i wanted that, but it hurt so much, it was hard for me to want something so painful. but, i didn't give that to you out of pity
[08:48] DeadlyEpyon: No, you "let it happen"
[08:48] DeadlyEpyon: never once did you initiate it with me
[08:48] Spirit 3787: that's like saying that i expect you to initiate ripping a hole into yourself
[08:49] DeadlyEpyon: well, I'm sorry that it hurt. But obviously, mr wonder dick over there does just the right things!
[08:49] DeadlyEpyon: I'm sorry it never felt good with the man you loved
[08:49] DeadlyEpyon: at least it felt good with someone you lusted
[08:49] Spirit 3787: hey, remember the fact that it was starting to actually feel good? the moans, the happieness
[08:50] DeadlyEpyon: ONCE
[08:50] Spirit 3787: lusted, yeah, that's what the 6 years i've known him have been
[08:50] Spirit 3787: more than once
[08:50] Spirit 3787: maybe not in it's entirety, but it still felt good
[08:50] DeadlyEpyon: did it hurt AT ALL when you two did it?
[08:50] Spirit 3787: yes
[08:52] DeadlyEpyon: well like I said, I hope you enjoyed it, because you and I will never share that again.
[08:53] DeadlyEpyon: And why couldn't you just talk to me about any of these things? You had to go talk to him for god knows how long
[08:53] DeadlyEpyon: what was this? Weeks in the running?
[08:53] DeadlyEpyon: its like you planned it
[08:53] DeadlyEpyon: with your fucking web cam, just out of the blue
[08:54] Spirit 3787: yes, i'm just such a bitch, i enjoy planning on how to hurt you the most
[08:54] DeadlyEpyon: sure seems that way
[08:54] DeadlyEpyon: you couldn't have broken my heart any worse
[08:58] Spirit 3787: i'm sorry, and i know that means absolutly nothing to you
[08:59] DeadlyEpyon: like it means anymore to you?
[08:59] DeadlyEpyon: sorry just doesn't cut it here.
[08:59] Spirit 3787: yeah, well, there's not much that can be done
[08:59] DeadlyEpyon: especially when you say you don't regret it
[09:00] Spirit 3787: i will never regret an act of love
[09:00] Spirit 3787: that's why i don't regret the last 2 years of my life
[09:00] DeadlyEpyon: even though you said they shouldn't have happened?
[09:01] Spirit 3787: just because it's not what i knew was right for me, doesn't make them any less valuable to me
[09:01] DeadlyEpyon: so, you built our life up from a lie?
[09:01] Spirit 3787: no, i tired to build our life on love, despite the fact that i knew i should be at a big university
[09:01] DeadlyEpyon: You're right. I don't regret the time we spent together either.
[09:02] DeadlyEpyon: but you shouldn't have used me to just get our of your parent's influence
[09:02] Spirit 3787: i didn't just use you
[09:03] DeadlyEpyon: No? cause that's what it sounded like
[09:03] DeadlyEpyon: "The only reason we kept dating, was because it was familiar"
[09:03] Spirit 3787: no, the only reason i was scared to leave you was because i knew that at some level you loved me
[09:03] DeadlyEpyon: sooo, you were using me to heal your heart, and get away from your parents, and THEN decided to love me?
[09:03] Spirit 3787: that was what was familiar to me
[09:04] DeadlyEpyon: love is what was familiar?
[09:04] Spirit 3787: yes
[09:04] DeadlyEpyon: but you said it yourself. you said that you didn't want to stop seeing me, for fear of prosecution from your parents
[09:05] Spirit 3787: no, that's why i couldn't go to them
[09:05] Spirit 3787: i had nowhere to go
[09:05] Spirit 3787: and i knew that even though i wasn't as happy all the time, you always loved me
[09:06] DeadlyEpyon: then WHY didn't you just come right out and talk with me about this shit?
[09:06] DeadlyEpyon: I know we had fights about it... that's not what I mean
[09:06] DeadlyEpyon: you knew I loved you uncoditionally
[09:06] DeadlyEpyon: hell... I still do on some level
[09:06] DeadlyEpyon: but love alone is not enough
[09:06] Spirit 3787: i know that
[09:07] DeadlyEpyon: you knew you could talk to me...
[09:07] DeadlyEpyon: I never felt that about you
[09:07] DeadlyEpyon: I felt that you would "love me less" if we had a confrontation
[09:07] Spirit 3787: "sorry hunny, i know you love me, but i dont' feel like you mean it all the time, but, i don't want to go anywhere..."
[09:07] Spirit 3787: yeah, i don't even know *how* to talk about that
[09:08] DeadlyEpyon: because you've said before that you love me less in certain situations. Like when I make you mad
[09:08] DeadlyEpyon: You don't love somebody less because they forgot to sign papers, or didn't take out the trash!
[09:08] Spirit 3787: you'd be a moron to think that was true
[09:08] Spirit 3787: i always loved you
[09:08] DeadlyEpyon: that's not what you said
[09:08] Spirit 3787: the "less" came from when you treated me like crap
[09:08] Spirit 3787: when you left me for your games
[09:08] Spirit 3787: your friends
[09:08] Spirit 3787: to get drunk
[09:09] DeadlyEpyon: Oh, I'm sorry. "when you do something that makes me sad, I stop loving you the same"
[09:09] Spirit 3787: i didn't love you less for not remembering something, i loved you less for being a jerk
[09:09] Spirit 3787: i didn't say that either!
[09:09] DeadlyEpyon: yeah, great.... You know that's when I need your love most, right?
[09:09] Spirit 3787: how can i love someone who isn't fucking here!
[09:10] DeadlyEpyon: I'm sorry for trying to have a life!
[09:10] Spirit 3787: i'll just emote love to you, even though you want nothign to do with me
[09:10] DeadlyEpyon: why do you think we moved in? got a house? got married? Because I wanted nothing to do with you?
[09:10] DeadlyEpyon: get real.
[09:10] Spirit 3787: no, because then i could be your novelty
[09:11] Spirit 3787: something to come home to and say "yeah, i'll always have her here, so I'm going to go do my own thing"
[09:11] DeadlyEpyon: yes, because I paraded you around like a trophy.....
[09:11] Spirit 3787: when we were just dating, you'd want to spend all your time with me
[09:11] DeadlyEpyon: when we moved in, you changed too
[09:11] Spirit 3787: then when we moved it, it was like that changed
[09:18] Spirit 3787: he's not going to talk to you
[09:18] DeadlyEpyon: yeah? oh well, he can still read my words
[09:20] Spirit 3787: you are such an ass
[09:20] DeadlyEpyon: yeah?
[09:20] DeadlyEpyon: fuck you
[09:20] DeadlyEpyon: fuck him
[09:20] Spirit 3787: atleast he's man enough to not want to force me into an abortion
[09:21] DeadlyEpyon: Oh I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being able to father a child made out of SPITE!
[09:21] Spirit 3787: it wasn't out of spite
[09:21] DeadlyEpyon: sure felt like it
[09:21] Spirit 3787: don't give yourself that much credit
[09:21] DeadlyEpyon: yeah, figures.
[09:21] Spirit 3787: i would never use someone to get back at you
[09:21] DeadlyEpyon: be warned to never let me meet him in person
[09:21] Spirit 3787: be warned that if something happens to you, i will put you in jail
[09:22] Spirit 3787: to him*
[09:22] DeadlyEpyon: yeah great
[09:22] DeadlyEpyon: like I fucking care anymore
[09:22] Spirit 3787: yeah, figures
[09:22] DeadlyEpyon: You killed my love for you, when you fucked him. and you know it
[09:22] DeadlyEpyon: don't blame me for feeling dead inside
[09:22] Spirit 3787: i don't care if you love me or not anymore
[09:22] DeadlyEpyon: figures.
[09:23] Spirit 3787: here's why: i'm terriefied that you'll beat me
[09:23] DeadlyEpyon: You are out of your mind.
[09:23] DeadlyEpyon: I have NEVER raised a hand at you
[09:23] DeadlyEpyon: I have NEVER intentionally hurt you
[09:23] Spirit 3787: i'm sorry, but when you're forceful towrads me, and angry, it scares the crap out of me
[09:23] DeadlyEpyon: but for you to think I would BEAT you? That's low...
[09:23] Spirit 3787: just becasue you never has doesn't mean you never will
[09:24] DeadlyEpyon: You would make me into a monster
[09:24] DeadlyEpyon: Oh, get over yourself.
[09:24] DeadlyEpyon: You know for a fact I would never hurt you, regardless of how mad I got
[09:24] DeadlyEpyon: but then, if you think I would, I guess you really don't know me
[09:24] DeadlyEpyon: I understand its scary when I get made
[09:24] DeadlyEpyon: mad*
[09:25] DeadlyEpyon: but I would never hurt you
[09:25] DeadlyEpyon: I thought you knew that
[09:25] Spirit 3787: i dont' truly think you would ever want to hurt me, but it's still scares me that you could
[09:25] DeadlyEpyon: I would break the bones in my body before hurting you
[09:25] Spirit 3787: just so you know, that would hurt me
[09:25] Spirit 3787: i still care about you
[09:25] Spirit 3787: and i don't want you to be hurt
[09:26] DeadlyEpyon: it took all I had not to put my fist through all the glass in the house
[09:26] DeadlyEpyon: Just so I could feel something other than pain and anger
[09:26] DeadlyEpyon: that why I had the nervous breakdown in the kitchen
[09:26] DeadlyEpyon: My body shut down
[09:26] Spirit 3787: i was so scared that you were going to get up and hurt me somehow
[09:26] Spirit 3787: i didn't know what to do

[Silver and Iron]

I'm new here, but I've lived this, sort of, so let me hop in with some mundane advice:
Firstly, if you well and truly feel threatened, I suggest you look in your phone book for the women's shelter in your area. They will provide a secure environment for you, so you can get things sorted out with some degree of safety. Incidentally, it's not necesary to show up all beat up; simply being frightened is enough.
Secondly, if you feel this is going to be a problem over time, you might look into getting an order of protection from the court, so as to give yourself a measure of protection without having to go and hide.
Finally, if you are truly unhappy in this relationship, then ending it is the best thing you can do for everyone involved. Admittedly, you've pretty well burned the bridge behind you, and perhaps not in the wisest way possible, but now is time to salvage what you can and continue to go forward.
He may view what you've done as unforgivable, as many men would. (Oh, sure, it's all good for us when WE do it, but if YOU do it, well....) I suggest you get used to that idea. This may get messy and you may be (probably are) in for some ugly times ahead with many hurtful things said and done.
Trust to your faith, and keep to the path an you shall come thru.
Strength and courage to you.
S&I

[confused.woman]

So, he got home around 8pm. Didn't speak to me, look at me, or anything. I went in and talked to him a few mintues ago, and he wants nothing to do with me. It angers and saddens me that he feels like his cheating was somehow better because it was only online and done only out of lust. I would have forgiven him no matter what, but he won't even give me the time of day.

[Against The Tide]

He's a hypocrite... You can't ever be in a relationship where there is a set of rules for one person and a set of rules for another. He seems more upset over the issue that you enjoyed sex with someone else than the fact that you are unhappy and leaving him, and I think those priorities are very wrong. :hugz: But as I keep saying this will all be better after the dust settles, sending more energy your way.

[confused.woman]

:hugz: Thanks everyone. I wrote him a letter, and I'm posting it here.

I don’t take joy in the fact that I hurt you. I know our acts were different, but the feelings were the same. Be that as it may, it seems you care little of what your intentions with Sarah were, because you didn’t actually physically touch her. The act of making love or “fucking” as you two called it, is mostly about what is said, and thought than what piece goes where. You may not have held her, or touched her, but what you did was careful, with no second thoughts. You didn’t even have the decency to tell me. I was so hurt, and felt so alone, but I took you back anyways. I now see that I shouldn’t have because you don’t give the same back to me. Everything is about you. I’m sorry that you can’t see that, but even if you had actually had sex with sarah, even if she was pregnant, the truth is, I wouldn’t have cared. Well, I would have cared, but I still would have supported you, no matter what.
I had sex with Todd, not out of spite, or hate, or any of those things. I had sex with him because he made me feel important. I miss actually being able to just cuddle for hours, with no complaints for either. I will however, miss the play fighting you and I did. The tickling, the laughing, playing video games, all of it. I’m sorry that I brought this pain to you, but I can’t change that. I don’t like having to deal with a double standard, it’s impossible any more. But, there’s always been one. Travis does what he wants, when he wants, and if he can’t, he holds it in a little storage bin to throw into Michelle’s face when she wants him to do something he hates more than normal. I’m sorry that you can’t enjoy my activities. I don’t enjoy your either, but I do them.
I’m also sorry that your biggest gripe, is that you care most about the fact that he made me happy. But you know, had I asked you that same question the night it happened (May 16th, I remember that day even more clearly now that I can associate why you were acting as you were), you would have said it made you happy too, if not to me, then to yourself. Well, guess what? In time, I’m sure that will change for me too. But, I didn’t have the… 3 months? That you did to let it boil inside you. All I had were full emotions, with little time to really think about them. But, you know, with all that you’ve done to me, with all the crap I’ve dealt with, all it takes was me being HAPPY about an act for you to go off the wall.
You don’t care about why I did it. You don’t care about what you did to make me want to leave, you just care about the fact that it happened. That’s not love, it’s fear. I think, that you are acting the way you are for maybe a few different reasons. 1) You’re hurt, angry, and just don’t want to deal with it. The act that I’ve done is enough to get pity from everyone you know, so why bother divulging the fact that I’ve tried since we moved in together to get you to pay more attention to me. 2) You want to be better than I am, so you’re ignoring the fact that what you did had the intent to become sex, had Sarah been closer. You didn’t go to her because of distance, but also you wanted it to be your dirty little secret. I can’t do that. I won’t ever even think to let you go on loving me, with out telling you something like that. Your opinion is different, probable because you feel justified for what I did. You were missing something very physical, so you got that need fulfilled. Well, I was missing something very emotional, and I got that fulfilled as well. I didn’t have to have sex to do that, but I did anyways. I’m sorry that I hurt you in the process.
I know that you love me, I know that. But, I always felt second to you. I know our acts of sex were more for lust than for love, but love was an important part of it all. It seemed that you always wanted to have sex, not because you wanted to hold me that close, but because you felt like you were going to explode if you didn’t. I know you tried to be careful, and I thank-you for that, but when we had sex, I still felt like I was second to you. How could I have told you that? I’m sorry that everything had to end like this, but I guess that it does.
I just need you to let me know what you want done with the house, and everything. I know you can afford to keep everything, I can even show you the breakdowns if you want. I know you don’t want to see this from my point right now, and I don’t blame you, but I don’t want us to fight. We always said we’d be fair about everything if it came down to it, so now I guess I’ll find out if you meant that. If you want to take this to divorce court, I think this will be more painful and less fair than either of us want it to be. There are home divorce kits, as well as me seeing if there’s a way for us to get an annulment. I just need to know what you want to do, because I know you’ll never even think to talk about forgiving me. But, until our names are separate on everything, we both have the right to live here.

[confused.woman]

After much yelling from DH, I finally got him calm enough to talk to me. We had a huge heart-to-heart and know that we're both to blame. He isn't *as* sick to look at me, and doesn't flinch when I try to touch him. We're both doing ok I think, so now all we need to do is figure out the "stuff" part, and be done. I think we can still get an annulment, as our actual lisence has not arrived yet. I'll find out though.