So confused....

[LightDancer]

Well i wasn't going to bring this to a public board but I really need some advice.

About 2 months ago a friend of my husband's came in to town for a visit, and I must say...there was an immediate attraction on my part. My husband and I decided to spice things up and we invited him to join us for some 'play'.
We did that, it was fun, he left for home and things were fine.

But we have been on MSN with each other quite often since then, and I really got to know him. We have had some very deep conversations and we really opened up to each other....like things I have only discussed with my husband.

My feelings have slowly gone from friendship to some very scary and very deep feelings for him. I've discussed this with my husband, and he is being so supportive, but I feel like I'm betraying him by having these feelings. His friend has no idea I feel this way, and he is now involved with someone.

I go through phases of feeling happy that he has found someone, to being totally irrationally jealous. I've been chanting ' If you love him, let him go' over and over and over to get rid of these feelings of jealousy, and I have called a therapist to help me deal with this....who hasn't called back i might add....I've gotten rid of pictures of him.

But when he comes online it's so hard not to talk to him. And I don't know if I should let him know I'm feeling this way or just work through it on my own...I'm really losing my mind here_inabox_

I need some help with getting through this...any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

[covenofkeys]

well....er...um....hmmm.
~smiles~ do what your heart tells you to.
i know its a screwy thing to have running through your brain, but having said that....you must follow your own heart, sometime, or itll end up making you loopy!!!
hope all works out for you.
youre in my thoughts.xx

[LightDancer]

well....er...um....hmmm.
~smiles~ do what your heart tells you to.
i know its a screwy thing to have running through your brain, but having said that....you must follow your own heart, sometime, or itll end up making you loopy!!!
hope all works out for you.
youre in my thoughts.xx

Thanx....I would love to follow my heart....but my heart is being a total pain in this matter:lol: Thanx for your thought though.

[BlueEyedWolf]

:hugz: Nightshade said it well! Be true to yourself!:hugz:

[covenofkeys]

:hahugh: er....dunno what you mean im sure! lol

[covenofkeys]

Thanx....I would love to follow my heart....but my heart is being a total pain in this matter:lol: Thanx for your thought though.
ah well you know what they say...no pain no gain right?
~hastilly runs like the wind to the nearest exit~

[Windygo]

I seem to go through some similar situations. What I do is I try not to deny it, but I don't fight it either. Denial does nothing, while fighting only gives power to the unwanted emotions, and makes them stronger as well.

The chanting, the therapist, the getting rid of pictures, is only confirming everything for you. Work on transforming the love into something unconditional, or a strong friendship, where jealousy could cease to become an issue.

[covenofkeys]

[quote=Windygo;]I seem to go through some similar situations. What I do is I try not to deny it, but I don't fight it either. Denial does nothing, while fighting only gives power to the unwanted emotions, and makes them stronger as well.

indeed. face it-you know what you want.trouble is how do you get it?
love hurts.its supposed to, at least i tell myself that hoping itll make it easier.

[NewPhoenix]

Hi LightDancer,

What I'm about to say you may not want to hear. There is nothing that will resolve these feelings for you, nothing that can be arranged or figured out, nothing that the therapist can give you that you can't find within yourself. I'm all for listening to one's heart, but the mind must be stilled and the emotional rollercoaster must stop first before you can even hear your heart. You can try to escape these feelings, deny them, stuff them, or vent them, but they won't leave until you do one thing: accept them. Let them be there, allow their presence fully without trying to change them. Look at them as if you were the observer, feel them there... feel the emotion that is there fully without trying to get rid of it. Imagine that you envelop the emotion and see yourself as the space around it. Once you stop resisting it truly, you will come to a place where your heart can finally communicate to you and you can hear its wisdom.

[Athena-Nadine]

Hi LightDancer,

What I'm about to say you may not want to hear. There is nothing that will resolve these feelings for you, nothing that can be arranged or figured out, nothing that the therapist can give you that you can't find within yourself. I'm all for listening to one's heart, but the mind must be stilled and the emotional rollercoaster must stop first before you can even hear your heart. You can try to escape these feelings, deny them, stuff them, or vent them, but they won't leave until you do one thing: accept them. Let them be there, allow their presence fully without trying to change them. Look at them as if you were the observer, feel them there... feel the emotion that is there fully without trying to get rid of it. Imagine that you envelop the emotion and see yourself as the space around it. Once you stop resisting it truly, you will come to a place where your heart can finally communicate to you and you can hear its wisdom.
What she said. :)

:hugz:

[LightDancer]

Hi LightDancer,

What I'm about to say you may not want to hear. There is nothing that will resolve these feelings for you, nothing that can be arranged or figured out, nothing that the therapist can give you that you can't find within yourself. I'm all for listening to one's heart, but the mind must be stilled and the emotional rollercoaster must stop first before you can even hear your heart. You can try to escape these feelings, deny them, stuff them, or vent them, but they won't leave until you do one thing: accept them. Let them be there, allow their presence fully without trying to change them. Look at them as if you were the observer, feel them there... feel the emotion that is there fully without trying to get rid of it. Imagine that you envelop the emotion and see yourself as the space around it. Once you stop resisting it truly, you will come to a place where your heart can finally communicate to you and you can hear its wisdom.


I'll try. I'm just so angry with myself for letting myself fall for my husbands best friend:(

[Windygo]

I'll try. I'm just so angry with myself for letting myself fall for my husbands best friend:(
Don't be. Everyone ends up falling for someone else in while in a relationship at some point or another. The difference is how you handle it.

[covenofkeys]

I'll try. I'm just so angry with myself for letting myself fall for my husbands best friend:(

whoa there you!-how can you help who you fall in love with?????
shit happens!! now stop putting yourself through this! isnt it hard enough already without you adding to it like this!

[NewPhoenix]

I'll try. I'm just so angry with myself for letting myself fall for my husbands best friend:(

It's easy for emotions to build in magnitude and intensity, like a snowball. And then the mind gets in there and feeds you thoughts that activate more emotions, etc. etc. When you take a moment and just STOP, take a breather, and take a look you'll see many thoughts and feelings all jumbled up together. What once was a reaction to the original situation has now become reactions to reactions to reactions. You have thoughts mixed in there of "should" and "what about" and "what will happen if" and... and all your feelings about all those things. Fears, regrets, disappointments, attractions, longing, jealousy, confusion. It's just a bundled up mess. There's no way out except to GET OUT. Just stop.

It may sound impossible but it's not. Channel your attention on your breath. The point is to stop the runaway train of your mind/emotions. Feel the energy of your hand... it's very simple. Feel the aliveness in your hand and focus on that. Can you feel that you're alive? Can you know your life essence if you don't use your eyes to see yourself? Go out in nature and sense it... focus on the stillness of nature around you. Such things will stop the mind. And if you notice the mental noise and emotions creep back in, don't make a big deal out of it... just refocus on your breathing, or on the energy of your hand, or on watching that tree. Do this over and over until the mental noise & emotions subside.

I promise you that they (mental noise, emotions) will try to dominate your attention. There is no other way to be free of them.

[covenofkeys]

ah...listen to the words of the wise Phoenix there.a woman who knows her thing, certainly.

[NewPhoenix]

ah...listen to the words of the wise Phoenix there.a woman who knows her thing, certainly.

I do know this, yes, and I have applied it and it works. But I give this advice with great humility because I know very well how strong these mental/emotional currents can be, like a raging river. And I also know how easy it is to be swept up in it and forget everything I "know". True knowledge must go beyond an intellectual understanding, and for most of us takes repeated application before it *sticks*. I still forget and get caught up in the drama, and then usually after I suffer long enough I finally remember again, and get off that train. LOL! Life is fun, ain't it?

Buddha spoke of the end of suffering... but it takes suffering to reach that point. Suffering is necessary until we're able to let go of it. The techniques I spoke of are helpful in letting go of suffering. We now have a choice, although many can't or won't choose it... and for them, more suffering becomes necessary.

(Sorry... I'm going through a philosophical spell... AGAIN) :lol:

[LightDancer]

Thanx everyone for the advice. I am working towards accepting these feelings and channeling them towards building our friendship.

I've also decided it would probably not be a good idea to let him know about these feelings....I really couldn't stand losing him as a friend, and I care about him too much to complicate his life with what is my own problem. Again thanx....:hugz: to everyone for listening and lending your wisdom.