I'm mad as heck, and I'm not gunna take it anymore!!!

[Matsumoto]

Ok same old story: I met a guy, we were both really in love for not reason. We got engaged at 3 months in (though I REFUSED to marry him for at least 3 years to make sure we were still together by then) We felt a really strong connection that we couldn't explain but now that things are rough and there's a lot of stress things that didn't used to bother me are now making me want to take a chair and beat him over the head with it >_<

First off, we're from two very different cultures. For the most part we've overcome major differences but my boy allows a few rotten people turn him against an entire race: mine. And it really bothers me how he vents about how white people are uncool, racist, evil, and stupid. I know he doesn't mean me but it really hurts that he's saying that about my friends and family who are white.

Second he calls me fat, chubby, and constantly tells me to loose weight. I'm 5'7 and I weigh 143. I used to be drastically underweight at 125 and since I gained some weight I've felt much healthyer and have had more energy. Yet becuase girls in his culture are pencil thin, he thinks it gives him the right to call me fat and give me a "fat" complex.

Third, he's an athiest who belive that everything he says and does is right. While he doesn't bash my personal religion he constantly makes fun of the religion I used to be: christian. He makes fun of god and constantly says immature crap about something he's never experienced. While I don't belive in God in the traditional sence anymore, its still pretty insulting to me. Unlike many, I've had nothing but good experiences with the churches I went to and to me, the people who helped me in the past are being insulted and I can't stand it anymore.

Another thing: he always expects help from me and when I ask him for help, he never gives it.

The worst part about all this: We've talked about all of these subjects before and he never learns from it. He still does all the things I mentioned and he belives he's always right and I'm wrong. I want to break up with him right now but for some cosmicy weird reason I find I can't. I don't know what to do anymore other than break things (preferably this things ;) )

The worst part about all this people is that

[NewPhoenix]

Your boyfriend is mentally and emotionally abusive. Blaming him for how he is isn't going to change anything. I suggest accepting him how he is and then deciding if this is something you're willing to live with or if you'd prefer a different way of relating.

[SSanf]

If you don't have children, get the hell away form that one and don't look back on your way out the door.

Life has better in store for you than that.

[Merrilyn]

Is that really the kind of person you want to be with? Nah.. hit the road..it's time to go.

[Xander67]

yeah you are much better off without him...

my advice is to really take the time to get to know the person next time and dont get engaged untill you are sure they are going to accept you... even if you "feel like you connect or are meant to be together" those feelings are often times misleading ...

hope you feel better :)

[Matsumoto]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. To total up all those hurtful feelings: he says he loves me but I don't feel loved. Kind of like actions speak louder than words and such. I'm going to talk to him about tonight. We've both been under so much stress lately and he's been taking out his on me. I'm going to tell him either things change, which the probably wont, or I'm gone.

[Cat]

BTDT, hated it. You've talked with him about it before. I understand giving him one last chance, I guess...but this has to be IT. No matter what. Because there will always be something for him to be stressed about. There will always be some way in which his actions are never his own fault.

And for goodness' sake PLEASE use birth control until you make a decision either way.

[Against The Tide]

Dump him.... oh wait, thats a bit harsh..... dump him anyway!

It sounds to me like you have a lot on your plate, can you really juggle your hectic demanding life and a needy selfish boyfriend? He drags you down about many different issues, there may have been a spark when you first met but man that sure won't last the long run if he hates your race, bodyshape and creed - I think he's stringing you along to make a statement to his mates and to white people, that white women are objects only only fit to sleep with and otherwise not to be taken seriously - It sounds like your his white girl trophy, he's with you but does he even know you?

[NewPhoenix]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. To total up all those hurtful feelings: he says he loves me but I don't feel loved. Kind of like actions speak louder than words and such. I'm going to talk to him about tonight. We've both been under so much stress lately and he's been taking out his on me. I'm going to tell him either things change, which the probably wont, or I'm gone.

It's not his actions that are so important as your own tendency to excuse abusive behavior, rationalize and minimize it. This is YOUR pattern, and until you stop denying it and see it for what it is, and then change it, you will continue to attract the type of relationships that feed that pattern. So even if you dump him, unless your pattern changes, you'll just begin another relationship with someone just like him, without even consciously meaning to. This is an opportunity for you to become aware of yourself.

[Matsumoto]

And for goodness' sake PLEASE use birth control until you make a decision either way.

LOL I"m paranoid, I use BC and a condom every time, and I MEAN every time.

But Last night I did let him know that if things don't change drastically i'll drop his ass like its hot. I think the reason why he isn't trying is becuase he thinks I WONT dump him for some reason. Well I made it very clear that he either listens to what I have to say and stop the behavior that bothers me or its on the street with him

And af for being a trophie, nah. Right now with his culture dating a black or hispanic girl or a blonde haired blue eyed barbie would be consitered a trophie. I'm none of the above.

[Sage Rainsong]

Hmm well personally I would dump his sorry ass. You don't have to settle for some boyfriend that you aren't too crazy about and who doesn't respect your feelings. You deserve better than that.

[StephanieAine]

You mentioned difference of culture - and that you're white - but so far, I don't see anything that tells me about cultural differences.

What culture *is* he from?

And what cultural differences are at issue?

So far, everything I see is just about his basic rudeness and all around jerky attitude.

[Matsumoto]

He's Japanese from Japan. The major culture differences were (and are) dating styles, who pays for who, talking about feelings, hanging out with friends, sex expectations, lifestyle differnces (based on region) and lots of other things.

I guess the bottom line is we're really not compatable to begin with. I talked with him about all the stuff he mentioned and gave him an ultimatum becuase we've been together for over a year now. I told him that if he didn't stop the abusive behavior that he's done. I'll give him a chance to knock crap off if not, he's gone.

And here's the thing: I'm not trying to change him. I like his personality its just the things that he does sometimes tick me off, most of the time he's joking but I don't find it funny. And yes its my fault for alloing it all to go on for as long as I did.

[starfire]

Its very simple really. Dump the idiot! He is everything you are against or not. He says hurtful things about you and your friends. He cuts you down. What the heck is in it for you? Do you like abuse? Thank God you didnt' get married yet and had common sence to say wait 3 years.

Now that your past the nice stuff, his real self is out there, do you really want that type of person in your life, running your life? You are smarter than that. Give back the ring and let him know your views and his don't match, and that they are so far off it wold never work.

Find an nice open minded person who you can share your ideals and thoughts with.

[Lunacie]

I don't think I like him. I know I don't like his attitudes. I stayed in a bad relationship for waaaay too long because I kept doing the thing with the scales - weighing his bad points against his good points. Which means I was putting up with things I shouldn't have put up with.

If you're checking the scales and the balance is hanging pretty even, I think you deserve better than that. Take care of yourself, Matsumoto. :hugz:

[Malcolm]

he sounds like he sucks...imo...

[Matsumoto]

Yeah, i don't really weigh the good with the bad so much. I think there are other factors too becuase he wasn't always like this (yes he continued to be nice even after sex) I think its partially my pre-period week drama and both our stress levels. We've decided to give eachother some space for a while until things cool down a bit. we'll see that happens.

[Mainedruid]

This comming from a guy....

He is who he is. people rarely change. You have to decide if you love him for who he IS and are you willing to live with his "quirks"

I'm not going to pass judgment toward him, its not my right. but you have 2 options

be happy, truly happy with what you have, or

find some one who makes you happy with out condition.

just my $.02

mike

[MysticWitch]

I agree with everyone here. I think you should find someone who is more compatable to you.