I need advise!!!

[DragonsFairLady]

I have a rather strange situation that I am trying to deal with and would like a little advise.

About 14 yrs ago I was involved with a young man that I went to school with, I became pregnant. I broke up with this young man right after I found out. I was 18 yrs old, young and dumb and scared. At the time he thought that he wanted a family but neither of us had a job. I tried to do what I thought was right. He kept on about being a family and we would stay with his parents until we were on our feet with a baby on the way. One day I just blew up, told him I was pregnant by someone else and ran home to my mother.

A few months later the beautiful baby boy was born and I was so full of being a mother and still glowing with the wonder of it all. I had a good job was getting ready to back to school to get a degree in medical assisting and on top of the world because of this wonderful little miracle.

When my son turned a year old a friend of ours saw how much he looked like his father and made some very loud comments in public. I told her to back off that she did not know what she was talking about, that it was my business and I would take care of things as I saw fit. I had gone by his grandmother's house to try to talk to him several times, I even went to his best friends house looking for him. By this time I was told he had left the state, one friend even told me he was married with a baby on the way. I decided right then that I would not say anything, I did not want to cause a bigger problem than I already had, even though I still thought of him every day as I looked at our son.

I became involved with another man and had another son by him. I broke up with him when he came home one night smelling like a whore house after peak hours. I was still asking some good friends about my oldest son's father, as well as some of our other friends just so that it did not look suspitious.

When my oldest was 6 yrs old I met a wonderful man and married him, he is the love of my life and my very best friend. He knows everything about this even the man's name and where he now works. My son does not know who his father really is because my mother told him it was someone else and in my shame I did not even try to correct her.

Now my son is 13 yrs old as of Oct 27. Today I saw his best friend who is also one of my dearest, showed him pictures of my boys and he told me all about his children. All he had to do was take one good look and he knew, he even said that he works with this man. He asked me if he could have this picture and I could not refuse, we have been friends for so very long.

Now I know I just took a nose dive right off into the Grand Canyon. I know that there will have to be a discussion over this with him and my son. I also know that there will be accusations and I am willing to take the blame. I just want my son to know where he comes from. I want this man to know that I regret keeping his son from him but that I do not want anything from him except for him to get to know his son now. I do not need money or anything else.

I am still scared though, I do not want to hurt my son or my husband in any way. I also don't want to hurt this man any more than I already have. I feel so confused and lost and I know that when I hit bottom it is going to hurt like hell. If anyone has any advise, words of wisdom or anything I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you, Dragon's Fair Lady

[NewPhoenix]

Hi Dragon's Fair Lady,

Please try to forgive yourself. And I'm not even suggesting there's anything that was done that NEEDS TO BE forgiven... you did what you did with the awareness you had at the time and there's absolutely no point in blaming yourself or guilt tripping over it. But YOU need to forgive yourself because you're still hanging on to the pain of the past and a sense of responsibility for it... you need to let it go, to drop the past, to say "yeah this is what happened and it's done, the past can't be undone and I'm a different person now with a different awareness".

You have no idea how it will all unfold. Trust God/Goddess/All There Is or whatever name you use for it. There's a greater reason for why it all happened the way it did... and you're not personally responsible for it. Just the fact that you're willing to have father and son get to know each other is all that's needed for that to occur... IF that is what is supposed to happen.

You're a human being. People make mistakes all the time. Hanging on to blame and guilt WILL NOT help you to make good choices NOW. Your attention needs to be in the now so that you can follow your heart and do what is most helpful for all involved. Your heart will tell you what that is, but only if your attention is HERE and NOW and you can hear it.

P.S. If someone tries to give you any kind of guilt trip about what happened, don't buy into it. :)

[StephanieAine]

I have a rather strange situation that I am trying to deal with and would like a little advise.

About 14 yrs ago I was involved with a young man that I went to school with, I became pregnant. I broke up with this young man right after I found out. I was 18 yrs old, young and dumb and scared. At the time he thought that he wanted a family but neither of us had a job. I tried to do what I thought was right. He kept on about being a family and we would stay with his parents until we were on our feet with a baby on the way. One day I just blew up, told him I was pregnant by someone else and ran home to my mother.

A few months later the beautiful baby boy was born and I was so full of being a mother and still glowing with the wonder of it all. I had a good job was getting ready to back to school to get a degree in medical assisting and on top of the world because of this wonderful little miracle.

When my son turned a year old a friend of ours saw how much he looked like his father and made some very loud comments in public. I told her to back off that she did not know what she was talking about, that it was my business and I would take care of things as I saw fit. I had gone by his grandmother's house to try to talk to him several times, I even went to his best friends house looking for him. By this time I was told he had left the state, one friend even told me he was married with a baby on the way. I decided right then that I would not say anything, I did not want to cause a bigger problem than I already had, even though I still thought of him every day as I looked at our son.

I became involved with another man and had another son by him. I broke up with him when he came home one night smelling like a whore house after peak hours. I was still asking some good friends about my oldest son's father, as well as some of our other friends just so that it did not look suspitious.

When my oldest was 6 yrs old I met a wonderful man and married him, he is the love of my life and my very best friend. He knows everything about this even the man's name and where he now works. My son does not know who his father really is because my mother told him it was someone else and in my shame I did not even try to correct her.

Now my son is 13 yrs old as of Oct 27. Today I saw his best friend who is also one of my dearest, showed him pictures of my boys and he told me all about his children. All he had to do was take one good look and he knew, he even said that he works with this man. He asked me if he could have this picture and I could not refuse, we have been friends for so very long.

Now I know I just took a nose dive right off into the Grand Canyon. I know that there will have to be a discussion over this with him and my son. I also know that there will be accusations and I am willing to take the blame. I just want my son to know where he comes from. I want this man to know that I regret keeping his son from him but that I do not want anything from him except for him to get to know his son now. I do not need money or anything else.

I am still scared though, I do not want to hurt my son or my husband in any way. I also don't want to hurt this man any more than I already have. I feel so confused and lost and I know that when I hit bottom it is going to hurt like hell. If anyone has any advise, words of wisdom or anything I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you, Dragon's Fair Lady



Yes, you made mistakes very likely; but, perhaps not. Maybe you made what only *seem* like mistakes. Maybe the timing needed to be slower for some reason, perhaps so your boy could have some very peaceful years before dealing with all of this.

I know this: you did the right thing when you handed over that picture, and according to what I read in your post, it sounds like you will be handling this like a very responsible mother, a very responsible *person* - and a person with a lot of love, and a non-blaming attitude. Your willingness to accept your mistakes and admit to them is evidence of that. I am so moved by your words... I *know* your heart is in the right place.

I also know you're in for a tough road. You're right... what you did will open the floodgates. Get ready to do a lot of paddling, and know that you're going to really go through some *big stuff* now. But you can do it. Your intentions are honorable, your heart is in the right place, and you're only interested in the very best interests of your son. Not yourself.

I hope you've been very open about everything with your husband about this and that he is expecting the approaching contact which you will have, no doubt, from the boy's biological father very soon. If not, have a huge talk! You don't want him to end up being part of some sort of fallout. You need to be a *unified front.* A *team.* Your son, especially, needs this - as your husband is the only real father he has ever known. There will be a learning curve here - the father he knows and loves, and the father who helped to make him. It's important that the "positions of power" involved are kept in proper perspective so that the biological father sees that there is and has been a very involved, fully committed father figure in the boy's life *already.* This way he will have to learn to work WITH the boy's family rather than just assuming he can take over (he may be so excited about being involved that he may overlook the fact that the boy already HAS two parents. He will have to be the third parent, but obviously the so-far-absent father rejoining his son's life. Keep making it known to the father that he isn't to blame for any of that just so he knows he won't have to push overly hard to appear to be the "good parent" out of fear that his son will resent his absence. It may help him to instead focus on just getting to know the boy and forming some sort of parental relationship that fits well with what the boy *already* has. If the three of you as parents can work together to benefit this child's life, that would be ideal.)

Hang in there! I'll peek in this thread from time to time to see how things are going.

I'm rooting for you!

-Stephanie

[starfire]

Definitly talk to your husband. He sounds like he knows much of what has happend, and can be supportive to you. Get his feed back.

From what you said it sounds like the boy does know that his bio dad is someone else. So you need to take an approach of how to deliver this. Even talk to a counseler if that would help give you and your husband perspective.

It is also important to let your kid know you made a mistake when you were young. Your were scared and did what you thought was best at the time.

You may want to contact the bio dad and talk to him. does he want to be part of this boys life? Would he need a dNA test to prove to him that it was his boy since you lied to him before? While you want him to be part of the boys life, he may not, you need help in figurering out what to do.

Your current husband has been the boys father for how long? Is that who the boy sees as his dad?

Take it slow, think it out, get help.
best wishes

[BlueEyedWolf]

:hugz: You did what was best for you at the time. As we grow older we learn, you have done very well and will continue to do so. It will most likely get a little rocky, but whats done is done. Have strength for what is to come, it will all work it's self out. Best wishes to you and yours. Don't let them make you feel guilty. :hugz:

[DragonsFairLady]

I have always had in my mind that one day this would all come around. My husband has been and always will be very supportive of my decissions. I have always been very honest with him and we respect one another, we are truly friends above everything else. He is helping me find my strength in this.

As for my son, my mother told him and everyone that would listen that someone else was his father. I should not have been so scared to speak up against my mother all these years, as the man she has claimed is my son's father is not a good man. This man is a drug addict and will not even take care of his children, does not even want to see them. Why would I let my son continue to think this man is his father when I do not want to be anywhere near him? Much less let him be anywhere near this man?

As for the real father, we were both young and scared and not really sure where we were going in our lives. He was and is a good person, what I did to him was wrong. I still love this man enough to not want to hurt him, even though I am sure this is a big enough hurt. If he wants DNA that is ok, I have no problem with it at all. I just do not want any state agencies involved as when I had my son I was on welfare and until he was almost 2 yrs, as I was going to school to get a degree. I do not want to make him responsible for paying all that back.

I do not want this man seeing this all as a responsiblity but as a joy. My son has been such a wonderful joy to my life and I am very willing to share the joy. Maybe this is where the problem comes in, I want to share him with his father not the whole darn family right now. Not that the family is bad, because they are not, I just think it might be a little too overwhelming for my son right now.

I had thought that I might have a little more time to get my mind around what I would tell my son. My husband and I have talked about this many times. He knows who the fathers of my sons are, he lets me deal with it and supports my decissions. Just as I do with him concerning his sons that do not live with us.

I am expecting to hear something this coming week from the father, if he does not call me I will call him. I believe that it is time to get it all out in the open. My problem is in telling my son and wondering what his reaction is going to be.

Thank you for the support and letting me ramble. Later, Dragons Fair Lady