Morrigan_Wolfwind
November 24th, 2006, 01:34 AM
All right, this is going to lead into rather complicated and... well, emotional stuff. Not to mention a brief-ish summary of my entire high school life to date, my general psychological state, and your standard dramatic-teen reactions.
I've finished a past/present/future reading with my Tarot deck just ten minutes before going on here, and it's the present card that made most things clear to me. Lately I've been angry, sardonic, and generally a complete bitch for at least two weeks, so I did a reading on myself to see what was up.
It turns out that the present is the reversed Queen of Wands, which is EXACTLY how I was acting. She told me to think about just why I was so angry this time, and for some reason something clicked. It's a little bit hard to explain without either being my twin or reading my BOS, so here's what I wrote:
Reversed Queen of Wands is the present, and holy sh-t. I AM feeling self-righteous and... not really JEALOUS, but more stubbornly on-guard and sardonic; so she's telling me to think about why I'm acting like this. Why AM I so angry lately? I know part of it's the usual angsty-teen drama, and most specifically about Francisco, but other than that I really don't know. I just know that if I don't tell someone--anyone, about all this, it will be the single worst mistake of my life. And just the thought of letting it happen makes me SO FREAKIN mad, because here I am all "Tell what you feel no matter how stupid you think it is!" when really, I'm just plain chickensh-t myself. I'm NOT being careful like what the Fool said in the last reading, I'm just sitting here waiting for him to come to ME, so I won't have to do anything and I'll live in a pseudo-real life Final Fantasy X2! I'm just trying to live vicariously through my Yuna fixation because of vague similarites in our stories--meet this funny, attractive guy and it's sort-of love at first sight, 'cause that's pretty much what love is to me--he actually MAKES me laugh, you know? There's not a lot that really does that for me. So, then it's a blissful-ish, dramatic freshman year because my record of never liking my schoolmates is now null and void.
And then, right after summer break and I'm all raring to go for my next year of high school--dude, I'm a sophomore!--two words pretty much ruin everything: "Francisco transferred." And now I'm all panicking and analyzing every word of conversation and going "Is this my fault?!?!" because life is utter hell, now I have a shiny new self-worth complex because HE LEFT AND I NEVER TOLD HIM. And THEN, right in the first-second month of junior year (which I'm almost half-finished with, my how time flies), at the auditions for two of the school plays, he--and Sam!--are back. HOLY CRAP THEY'RE BACK! I recite my Garden State monologue to him, and he says, to quote: "That was nice. You made me sad." Insert minor flaunting of awsum skillz that make people sad. Skip ahead to homecoming, where I, bedecked in green, actually cheer on my class. After the assembly I mill around, eat lunch, watch some smexy Polynesian dance--and find myself literally, utterly, trying to get closer to Francisco without seeming too obvious. Or, you know, strange. I actually manage to attract no attention (not that I'm a loudmouth anyway) and stand on the same bench he's standing on (pack over a hundred students in a quad, even if it's outside, and there are very few people who have room to sit), just three or four students away.
And then, in some demented cat-and-mouse game, he starts walking around talking to various people. Farkin hell. But that alone makes me wonder now--if I try to get closer to him, will I just end up farther away? Will I spend years chasing after him, only to give up and then find him at my door? I just keep thinking, Am I in over my head here?
This is just too complicated for me to handle.
I'm sorry for making people read all this, but I really do think I'm in too deep here. I am seriously confused--this is definitely not a crush anymore, and as I DO think he gets obnoxious and a little bit flaky, this isn't infatuation where I'm whitewashing all his flaws out.
I'm actually hoping this isn't genuine love, because I have way too many plans after high school. Namely college, some sort of start in art or writing, and massage therapy training.
I've finished a past/present/future reading with my Tarot deck just ten minutes before going on here, and it's the present card that made most things clear to me. Lately I've been angry, sardonic, and generally a complete bitch for at least two weeks, so I did a reading on myself to see what was up.
It turns out that the present is the reversed Queen of Wands, which is EXACTLY how I was acting. She told me to think about just why I was so angry this time, and for some reason something clicked. It's a little bit hard to explain without either being my twin or reading my BOS, so here's what I wrote:
Reversed Queen of Wands is the present, and holy sh-t. I AM feeling self-righteous and... not really JEALOUS, but more stubbornly on-guard and sardonic; so she's telling me to think about why I'm acting like this. Why AM I so angry lately? I know part of it's the usual angsty-teen drama, and most specifically about Francisco, but other than that I really don't know. I just know that if I don't tell someone--anyone, about all this, it will be the single worst mistake of my life. And just the thought of letting it happen makes me SO FREAKIN mad, because here I am all "Tell what you feel no matter how stupid you think it is!" when really, I'm just plain chickensh-t myself. I'm NOT being careful like what the Fool said in the last reading, I'm just sitting here waiting for him to come to ME, so I won't have to do anything and I'll live in a pseudo-real life Final Fantasy X2! I'm just trying to live vicariously through my Yuna fixation because of vague similarites in our stories--meet this funny, attractive guy and it's sort-of love at first sight, 'cause that's pretty much what love is to me--he actually MAKES me laugh, you know? There's not a lot that really does that for me. So, then it's a blissful-ish, dramatic freshman year because my record of never liking my schoolmates is now null and void.
And then, right after summer break and I'm all raring to go for my next year of high school--dude, I'm a sophomore!--two words pretty much ruin everything: "Francisco transferred." And now I'm all panicking and analyzing every word of conversation and going "Is this my fault?!?!" because life is utter hell, now I have a shiny new self-worth complex because HE LEFT AND I NEVER TOLD HIM. And THEN, right in the first-second month of junior year (which I'm almost half-finished with, my how time flies), at the auditions for two of the school plays, he--and Sam!--are back. HOLY CRAP THEY'RE BACK! I recite my Garden State monologue to him, and he says, to quote: "That was nice. You made me sad." Insert minor flaunting of awsum skillz that make people sad. Skip ahead to homecoming, where I, bedecked in green, actually cheer on my class. After the assembly I mill around, eat lunch, watch some smexy Polynesian dance--and find myself literally, utterly, trying to get closer to Francisco without seeming too obvious. Or, you know, strange. I actually manage to attract no attention (not that I'm a loudmouth anyway) and stand on the same bench he's standing on (pack over a hundred students in a quad, even if it's outside, and there are very few people who have room to sit), just three or four students away.
And then, in some demented cat-and-mouse game, he starts walking around talking to various people. Farkin hell. But that alone makes me wonder now--if I try to get closer to him, will I just end up farther away? Will I spend years chasing after him, only to give up and then find him at my door? I just keep thinking, Am I in over my head here?
This is just too complicated for me to handle.
I'm sorry for making people read all this, but I really do think I'm in too deep here. I am seriously confused--this is definitely not a crush anymore, and as I DO think he gets obnoxious and a little bit flaky, this isn't infatuation where I'm whitewashing all his flaws out.
I'm actually hoping this isn't genuine love, because I have way too many plans after high school. Namely college, some sort of start in art or writing, and massage therapy training.