Different kids and public school

[mara]

We bought a new house in a city closer to my husband's work and my son is having a terrible time adjusting...he is very shy and as much as it hurts to admit it he may be high functioning autistic. One of the teachers from his school is sort of an authority on autism and will be discussing it with us when she gets back from wherever she is now..My son Nick won't eat much besides chocolate milk, yogurt, toast, ritz crackers and juice because other things have "too much flavor". We have been to doctors and nutritionists but they have been of no help. He also repeats things under his breath that he has just said..he doesn't do it any more in public for the most part, but I still notice it occasionally. My husband talked to the principal of his new school last week and he said that he noticed that Nick was having a hard time, and that he would watch him, but it's breaking my heart sending him to school when it's so hard for him. He loved his old school and had a very close friend that he was inseperable with, but he isn't making any here and says that he "kicks rocks around at recess" every day because no one wants to play with him. I just keep telling him that he's a wonderful boy and that he will make friends, but because he is different I am worried. I want to protect him, but I don't want to protect him too much if that makes sense.
There is an online public school here in Washington that we are considering..he could participate in scouts, the YMCA and things like that for socialization...I just don't know what to do. It hurts so much to see him hurting. Nick is 10 years old and in the 5th grade, but seems much younger.
Kids can be viscious and I wont let anyone destroy my son's self esteem...I myself was always different in grade school and I carry some very deep scars today for the abuse I suffered. I am not being dramatic it's just a fact.
Sometimes advice from someone not so close to the situation helps shine light on things in a clearer way, so any advice given would be greatly appreciated.

[SphinYote]

I feel for you. There was a suggestion once that I might have Asperger's syndrome (nothing official, actually one of the TAs in my psych 101 class). Never followed up on getting a diagnosis, but from my own research, some things fit....

Whatever the case may be regarding that, I can definitely identify with the school issues. I still have occasional nightmares...

I'm not sure what to say regarding dealling with such issues, I was never particularly successful myself in adjusting to things... Mostly overreacted to people and other stimuli and acted weird in a misguided effort to get people to leave me alone (which of course resulted in them pushing my buttons even more, just to see what I'd do). HATED when people would rest their feet on the back of my chair--I could feel every movement, however slight, of their feet resonating through the metal and plastic of the chair and in my mind I always though they were doing it deliberately. Probably wasn't the case initially, but when I kept overreacting to it, it certainly became deliberate in some instances....and that was one of the very minor issues...

I hope with greater awareness things will go better for him. I suspect that he'll at least be more likely to have the authority figures (teachers) on his side if things get ugly, though I know that sometimes isn't the case. In my case, well, lets just say that one of the playround attendants should have never been allowed to supervise children--telling any child they deserved to be spit on in any case, but worst of all IN FRONT OF the very people who did it is uncalled for in any circumstance.

I have one possible suggestion that you might want to discuss with the specialist, if you haven't already discussed with a doctor. Casein (a milk protein) and celiac (in wheat) are two of the big dietary things that have been connected to autistic symptoms in the last several years. It is possible that they could be contributing to whatever symptoms he might be experiencing, especially since he seems to prefer those types of foods above all else (I've found that cutting milk out for the most part really helped some of the worst of my moodswings, though whether that was due to casein or simply due to hormones in the milk, or something else all together, I have no idea....)

If you look up Milk+autism (or celiac+ autism) on google or yahoo, a lot of things will come up, though I'm still waiting to locate an official medical journal analysis of the possible link.

Good luck,

SphinYote

[Iseult]

I worked with children with special educational needs, and some of the things you've said are similar to the kinds of things I would see in reports about children with Aspergers and high functioning autism, though there were always many more aspects to the diagnoses of the children I was working with. Also, there could be many different reasons for the things your son is doing - some similarities in behaviour is a long, long way from a diagnosis of anything.

Autism is a spectrum disorder, so it encompasses non-verbal children with autism and severe learning difficulties through to children with exceptional intellectual skills and varying degrees of social difficulties. I heard an interview by Simon Baron-Cohen where he responded to someone querying the fact that many people have autistic traits by saying that whilst people do have autistic traits, the diagnosis comes when those traits stop that person from leading their every day life. (I hope I have paraphrased that correctly, it was a long time ago!)

Changing schools is a stressful time anyway, especially when it involves joining an already established peer group. It may simply be that the stress of that move may be causing some of those little quirks that we all have to become more pronounced. Or it may be that your son's school need to be a bit more proactive in helping him to settle in and find a group of friends that he feels comfortable with. They should be able to this in subtle ways by paying attention to seating plans and group work to make sure he is partnered in a sympathetic way, maybe engineering situations that will help him to get to know his class mates in a more structured environment (as opposed to the playground - which can be overwhelming).

Hope this helps.

[CandleCrow]

It sounds as if it might be a good idea to get your son tested for autism, and perhaps the teacher you mentioned can be a good resource for finding a competent specialist to do this.

For what it's worth: My husband and I are currently getting our son evaluated for ADHD, and originally I was reluctant to have a label put on him, but actually this process has been very enlightening and helpful, so I'm glad we're having him evaluated. It's helped to put some of his behavior in some kind of context and it seems to have made people at his school more willing and open to working with him and helping him.

Some schools (at least around here) will not make special provisions to help a child unless the child has some kind of official diagnosis or statement from a specialist that he/she has some kind of special needs. I don't think it's right that schools should need this official "kick in the pants" to motivate them to go above and beyond the minimum with certain kids who need help, but unfortunately that's just how it is....

I agree with Iseult's statement that "situations that will help [your son] to get to know his class mates in a more structured environment " might be a good idea for him. Is there some kind of small after-school class your son might enjoy? That would be a good way to have some positive, fun interactions with other kids and make new friends,and give him a bit of "social confidence" until he feels more comfortable at the new school.