Matriarch

[Malcolm]

I want to talk about what I just saw and did mother. I thank you for your lessons over the past month. I want to talk a little while about some things. I don't really have a train of thought right now but I suppose your used to that huh.

There amongst the junkies, prostitutes, trauma nurses, businessmen and thieves I found a strange kind of compassion. Its still confuses me the amount of fellowship to be found amongst so strange and diverse a mixture of people all affected by the same sickness. I hestitate to call it a disease for my own reasons but the fact remains it effects a diverse cross section of human culture. This type of thing really knows no boundary and takes willingly from any unfortunate it can influence.

In my mind I see it as a stain on my soul, brought about by willing indulgence in excess and the willingness to explore things I shouldn't have. My prize, this thing inside me that will destroy me and everything I love if left unchecked. There will never be a reprive from its whispers and it will never sease to try and regain the control I so willingly gave it in the past. That is my pennance. I somtimes feel this is to light a punishment for all the damage I have caused to the people around me.

Mother, its a strange thing in the mind of an addict. How can those I damaged so readily forgive and wish me well? My mind is not wired in a way that I can understand their compassion. I shouldn't say can't, its more of a struggle. I catch fleeting glimpses of the humanity possesed by most. You show me these things and I try to cultivate them. Try to familiarize myself with them. I do so love the way it feels. Its just difficult thats all. I shut those things off over a decade ago. There are other emotions besides hate and anger and fear. I'm learnng them all, be patient mother I beg you.

I hesitate to beg your trust. I know there is nothing I can say or do to prove myself. I'll have to earn that through action. I try every day, just to do the next right thing. I'll not make you any promises I know I can't keep, save this, I will try.

Walking in the open emptied handed and with eyes level and straight is difficult for me. I know full well how easy things can be. I also know full well the cost of that path and the demands of the masters that govern that road.

Your light hurts me mother. It burns my soul, I know it burns away the pain and anger and fear. All the things that I was convinced were my strengths.

I am not the same as I was. I am not what I want to be. I don't know what I want to be. The identity left behind was never mine, not truly. A shadow of myself in truth the reality of my insane need to protect myself from everything. The world is not as dangerous or dark as I believed it to be. The infernal whispers convinced me of the hostility and dangerous nature of all things to keep me in my armor and behind my walls. There was never a battle, no boogeyman waiting to catch me off gaurd.

This thing in me plays off my fears and whisers to me in my wn voice.

I feel your strength in me mother. I feel you working the light back into my soul. At times it hurts and I want it to stop. Our relationship is embrionic at best but I feel your power. Its like nothing I've known before and I feel that there is so much more I'm not sensing. I feel the potential your energy brings to bare for me and I wonder sometimes why you would do this for me. This grattitue I feel is so foreign to me. I've said thank you before but I wonder now If I ever meant it. Is this what it means to walk with love and hope in your heart? Is this the peace brought on by surrender? Is this what my febble embattled mind viewed as loseing? The thought of surrendering to anything once made my very skin crawl. I viewed it as weakness.

Will my hands ever be clean mother? You have forgiven me but I wonder if I can forgive myself for the things I did. I know they are over and done with but the weight of them still wears me down sometimes. Was it you, mother, that helped me stand straight and carry them further towards the ultimate end of letting go? I am close to letting those things go.

I am tired and my mind wanders. We will speak again.

Good night Mother.

[Malcolm]

They spoke of fellowship this evening. They told tales I've lived and an uneasy peace now fills me. I think I would like to see them again. Thank you for the opportunity.

[Malcolm]

I feel so lonely in this place. I know I should give it time to make sense, grant me patience. My peers in this have many years on me and I fear I fail to relate to them. I'm not speaking of experience but physical age. They are difficut for me to relate to mother. They are kind and mean well, but our interests are vastly different. I applaud their wisdom and take their stories to heart but a teacher is rarely a friend. Not in that way.

Everything seems so far away.

I've been reading the book of enoch as well as some gnostic texts and literature on orthodoxy, as well as christian mysticism. Its all very interesting and feels right but it does little to quell this need to be around people my own age. I know they are out there. I know I will find them.

My old friends are nothing but supportive but, for lack of a better way to explain it, they just don't get it. Honestly, I'm glad they don't.

All these feelings are so magnified that I wonder if they are truly as deep as I make them out to be. Without a numbing agent my feelings seem to run rough shod over my senses. I sit and think about these feelings and truly try and experience them, take them to heart and make them my own. I try to understand why I feel the way I feel. Its an odd thing coupling emotion with reason and something I have little experience with.

Emotion is not misguided rational thought as I once believed. The two like everything must have balance. You showed me that mother and I am grateful for the lesson.

I stumbled across a passage in a text that refered to the Holy Spirit as a feminine manifestation of the christian God. I have never heard of such a thing before, at this time in my life that makes a kind of sense. Is that who you are mother? Divinity or just an Aeon? Divine and Divine emenation...I have to wonder is there truly that much of a difference?

These questions will all be answered in the fullness of time. I trust in that now. For the moment my only prayer is this:

Grant me patience to stay the coarse
Grant me sight that I may see the path before me
Grant me wisdom to recognize my flaws

We will speak again. Good night Mother.

[Malcolm]

No meetings today, figured I could use some quiet time. I definately needed some time to let things sink in. These leesons are multilayered. Its interesting...the speed at which these things unfold. Lessons from the web of wyrd seem to be applicable here or maybe its just that I got used to looking for patterns and possible outcomes. Is this a kind of foresight mother?

[Malcolm]

Today is my one month birthday. I went back up north to get my coin. Seemed only fitting I get it in the place I started all this.

Stick night always seemse to have a wyrd way about it. The stick I pull is always applicable to me. This is the second time I drew jealousy from the cup. You tryin to tell me something mother? This message doesn't fall on deaf ears.

No matter my justifications or rationalization I know this to be the root of most of my problems. I am a jealous person. I covet everything. Its rediculus really when I stop and think about all the things I do have. Its just never enough, is it. Not for me anyway. I have many things to be grateful for. Why then do I constantly want what other people have? When is enough enough for me? What void is it that I'm trying to fill?

There is nothing else I have left to prove to myself. I wonder if maybe it is just old habits surfacing for one last great attempt at control. Trying to drag me back to that abyss of self pity. This thing inside me whispers in my own voice. Telling me that I should have things that others have...it plays on my insecurities and wants. This thing truly knows no rules and is ruthless in its pursuit of me.

Mother, I say this now. It is not my strength but yours that keeps this thing at bay. These things I covet will be mine if they are to be. You've brought me thirty days from hell when I couldn't manage a few weeks on my own. It doesn't pain me to admit I need you in my life. It doesn't pain me to admit I can't manage this on my own. Truth be told, I like the company. I don't feel so alone knowing you walk with me.

I look forward to this night every week. The hour or so I spend on the way gives me time to reflect on the week and the things I've learned. The fellowship itself gives me a chance to compare my progress with others, and I learn something each time from the others. Its odd really. Theres no sense of competition I usually feel in other similar situations. They are my peers and allies in this. I can only hope I find a group here that I feel the same way about, if not I always have them and thats enough. The drive back I assimilate their wisdom with mine, embrionic as it may be. I can't think of a better way to spend an evening. These nights are the ones i feel most connected to you. The whole process has become my ritual of renewal. It feeds my soul and steels my will.

I have another in the morning. I like it as well, gets me ready for the weekend. I suppose the two meetings are one in the same for me. The period of sleep in between Fridays and Saturdays meetings Is the most peacful sleep I've ever had. It may be a long ritual but thats what it has become for me. I feel reborn every week, cultivating this serenity.

I feel it growing in me mother. I feel it taking over, this feeling of oneness...it fills me with wonder. Each time I partake of this ritual it fills another peace of me. The thing inside me seems to feel this as well, and it is not pleased.

I probably shouldn't make light of it but I enjoy the fact it is tormented now. Each time it is easier for me to ignore it my soul smiles a bit.

I am remembering what it is to be me. I have you to thank for that mother. You've given me the most precious gift anyone can give. Hope.

Envy is my vice, the one of the seven I battle.

The coin reads "To thine own self be true", with your help mother I will be.

We will speak again.

Good night Mother and again, thank you.

[Malcolm]

I know it wasn't a smart thing to do, but I had to know mother. You understand that right? I wasn't testing you or anything like that. I had to know if I was serious about this. I believed I was, Its just...sitting and talking about avoiding temptation and trying to keep this thing inside me is all well and good. They are just words and ideals and none mean anything till put to the test. So, I had to test myself.

It felt alot like returning tot eh scene of an accident. I thank you for your grace in realizing that I'm not missing out on anything. That place and those people are exactly where I left them doing exactly what they were doing. It was a real eye-opener and I'm glad I was DD this evening. I have to admit I found it amusing asking the bartebder for redbull and when she aked "and" I said ice. The look on her face was priceless.

I was very full of myself on the way home. I thought "Wow, I am stronger than the addiction." Thats not true. We are stronger than it is. I couldn't have done that on my own.

Like I said, I wasn't testing you mother. I was testing me. In more than a few ways I guess. You impress me for lack of a better term.

That was the furnace and your grace kept the flames from me.

32 days. This 32nd seems more of a milestone to me than 30.

I had a strange thought watching my frined desperately try and order one last drink, I thought "Why? You aren't going to get any more drunk than you already are...you'll just get sick." Which he did. Its strange for me because I remember being the same way. That was the moment I knew I had changed on the inside. That thought never would have crossed my mind a month ago. I would have been right there with him shoutin "Oi! Set us up one last time love!"

Its real. This change I've been feeling. Its real. Its not my wishy-washy self delluded past mindset. This is real. I am changing and I'm not scared of what I'm becoming. Its all due in large part to you mother. I thank you for that.

We will speak again.

Good night Mother

[Malcolm]

I'm a bit confused this time. I've been doing what I was told to do, that much is true. I've been trying to assimilate what they are showing me but I grow tired of hearing the same things over and over mother.

Is it my skeptical nature that keeps me from giving myself over to this? What is it that I am fearing? What is it that I sense in them that makes me leary?

I don't want to stagnate the way they seem to have. This program is all these people have. It seems to have become the only thing in their life that keeps them going. I don't want that.

Am I just being a spoiled child or is there another way? Is it ego that makes me think I can find that path? Is it fear? Is it this thing poisoning my thoughts?

This can't be all there is. This can't be what I am supposed to do. I truly cherish this developing realtionship with you and I admit that were it not for them I wouldn't have come home to you but at the same time...I don't think I need them for this.

Spirituality is not a group process. Its personal. The language of god is silence anything else is a bad translation. I don't feel I need to hear their stories, which never change, to remind of the hell I made it through with you helping....whether I knew it or not.

I am of three minds about this. In the interim I will continue to go as promised in the hope that I find something in them I am not seeing. Patience I have asked for and patience has been granted, I thank you for that. I'm not making a snap decision this time. I will approach this thing with an open mind and a want for things to be different than I percieve them. I am reserving judgement on this matter for a later date, but you and I both know a judgement is coming. I trust in your grace to show me the way.

I just have some concerns thats all. I enjoy our dialogues, I got your message the other day. I only wish I had more time to explore the things presented that day. I do think about those things, your message was heard and I thank you for it.

I believe that to be the way you speak to me. Random encounters and chance happenings...it keeps me on my toes. You certainly have a way of keeping this at the front of my mind, always when I least expect it. I appreciate that. Seems in the past I learned to speak a gods language. Its nice to meet one that speaks mine for a change. I mean that as a compliment.

We will speak again.

Good night Mother.

[Malcolm]

It will have to try harder than that. It just proves how desperate this thing inside me is getting. I've always had a soft spot for women. If I ever had a kryptonite thats it. Nothing has ever quelled the raging seas of emotion in Malcolm like the ladies...that much is true.

I'm on to something different here though. This spirituality has to come first. My walks in the web of wyrd have shown me how to read things. The stones leave a lasting imprint on my way of seeing things. You reinforce all of these things mother. You accept that they too are in me and speak to me in a language of symbols I understand.

I know that while our relationship may be strong enough to stay the course. I also understand that my will could easily be broken by this thing. I understand that if there is one thing that could undo all the progress we've made its this.

Such a lovely and engaging distraction. Thats exactly what this thing inside me would turn her into. I'm not naive enough to believe that it wouldn't happen. This is temptation plain and simple.

The next right thing to do is chalk this up to bad timing and walk away. I can't afford any distractions. Not now. Days gone by this would have eaten at me. She really is a vision in more ways than one.

I need strength mother. I need understanding, and again patience. These things I ask. This is to important to loose.

I've been to hell, I've no interest in going back. If I loose this now thats exactly where I'm heading. Its a shame really, just bad timing.

Still I wonder, what If I'm wrong? What if this is fear? What if this what this thing wants me to do?

Above all I need guidance mother. Which way is to free? I'll leave this in your hands. I'm not thinking clearly at the moment. I hate it when I can't figure things out on my own. Its a tough thing for me to admit, but you already know that.

We will speak again.

Good night Mother.

[Malcolm]

This never gets any easier does it mother. I know what I just did is the right thing, but why do I feel so bad about it? I'd really hoped this wouldn't become an issue. I got your message though, and I'm sory I've been so lax in my writing. Its tough maintaining this and the other journal...wish I could find a way to combine the two.

I'm just not sure whats going on mother. I don't want to end up alone, but I fear thats the direction this is heading. It seems as days go by its getting harder and harder to be around everyone. Not only because of addiction but because of personality, mine. I'm having trouble relating to them.

Its so selfish mother, but I don't like being reminded of who I was. I know I'm not supposed to forget the past nor wish to shut the door on it...but I do. I just want to take a big eraser and get rid of those mis-spent years. It shames me. The memories of what I did and who I was. They shame me. I know I'll never be rid of that piece of me...but I'd like to take a break from remembering it. Thats all, just a little break. Its hard to move forward with these shackles of memory constantly eating at me.

Took the road up around where I came from last night. Down those dirt roads and small towns. Alot of the places I learned things I'd rather forget. I thought maybe it would do me some good, bring me some closer...but it didn't.

I just don't want to start all over AGAIN. Haven't I done that enough? Just a question, I'm not complaining. I'll do it if thats what needs be done.

Its different this time, that much is true. I have this faith now and a willingness to follow, but that little piece of me that kept me from you for so long still demands to know where we are going.

We will speak again

Good night mother

[aluokaloo]

:hugz:

[Malcolm]

I get it, I don't like it but I get it. It constantly needs reinforcing doesn't it. My spirituality and peace of mind is directly tied to them isn't it. Thats why this weekend was so shitty wasn't it. I broke the ritual, I didn't realize it had become that important. Its not a mistake I'll make again.

That was the old malcolm, the "I don't need anyone" idiot. Sneaky little bastard for all his blunt and crass mannerisms...I should know I created him. Little jerk.

I guess I'm just ready to say, I'm ready. Lets move on. Lets get this thing headed in the right direction. I can sit here and whine and bitch about not knowing or not being in control but the truth is, me wanting control right now is a cop out...I reviled in not having control over anything before so why now should it become an issue? Because its a f u c k i n g excuse thats why.

"I think I'm quite ready for another adventure". Lead on, I don't know these trails.

Good evening Mother

I will walk with you

[Malcolm]

I drew "Slips" tonight.

I sat there thinking "What? I haven't had any slips??" I figured I draw acceptance...seems thats what I've been having a problem with lately. In true malcolm fashion I figured I knew what was going on with me better than I really did. This is nothing unusuall I'm coming to find out, with your help of course.

I really was close to slipping sunday and monday, I realize that now. I need this ritual, its become an intergral part of my staying sober. I got asked to help chair a meeting, when I told the lady I didn;t have enough time in she said "You seem like you do." I'm not sure how to take that. I suppose its a compliment but I can't help but wonder why it seems that way to so many people I meet. Probably because I don't open up enough about whats going on in my head so they figure I must have this thing under control. You and I both know thats not true.

I fight this thing tooth and nail sometimes. I may not show it but I do. I've always been good at hiding whats bothering me. I don't like people to see my weakness...real or percieved. I thought I was doing so well too. I thought I WAS opening up. I guess when you've been closed off for so long and as well as I was the things that seem significant to you other people don't notice. Thats not a damning statement by any means. I don't resent the fact that no one is going "Oh, malcolm you've really opened up..." I mean honestly, how would they be able to tell? I'm just now starting to actually care about other people for no ulterior reasons. It makes sense that my defenses are still up and I don;t even realize it. Just cause I'm not hiding behind my walls doesn;t mean they aren't still there. I think maybe I'm just standing at the top looking out now. Still kinda shy of what might be out there.

I am in a damn fine mood now though. I might go so far as to call it jovial...but thats pushing it. Anyway, I need to get some sleep...6:30 comes early and I have another meeting in the a.m.

good night Mother

We will speak again

[Malcolm]

It really is kinda nice here.

[Malcolm]

I was having a rough go fo things for a bit there. I should've asked for some help, some guidance. I don't know why I have to continually press my luck. It seems everytime I get close to giving myself over to this I get this overwhelming feeling not to surrender, not to give up. I can only thank you for that Mother.

I don't do much for you. Do I. I like to claim credit when in truth I owe most of this to you. Days go by and I feel myself slipping back into that selfish person I was, not giving thanks and not acknowledging you. For that I am truly sorry.

I have this habit of compartmentalizing my life, a time and a place for everything. While this may be good for productivity in things like work it does little to foster any kind of spiritual living.

I have to admit I miss the pomp and circumstance of my old ways, the symbols and portents the omens and the divination. I miss the corrospondence and formula.

Yours is a simpler softer way. Its just to damn easy Mother. It can't be as simple as this. Or can it? I just have this feeling of "How did I miss you?" How, in my intensive studies, did I miss something as simple pure and beutiful as what you desperately try to show me? And why do I continually stick my fingers in my ears and go "Na na na na I'm not listening" like some spoiled child that thinks he has all the answers.

You have a way of humbling me. Humbling me in a way that I don't feel that I've lost.

So heres to sixty days.

:cheers: <---- thats cream soda, Jones style.

[Malcolm]

Still here. Still Sober. Still confused about everything.

How I long for some bloody excitement. Something to break up this even keal steady as she goes bullshit.

I miss chaos.

[aluokaloo]

congratulations on 60 days sober Malcolm :)

[Malcolm]

congratulations on 60 days sober Malcolm :)

Tnak you :hahugh:

[Malcolm]

Guess that officially makes me tho only one left. You hear about the odds but they seem astromonically skewed, well turns out, they're not.

Its funny. I used to love the fact that I could outlast mot people, made me feel tough or stronger or some other such nonsense. This just makes me feel sad. I'm still sober, really have no desire to go back out...it still feels like a phyric victory though. Maybe I'll see them again, maybe I won't. I leave that one in your hands Mother.

I thank you for guiding me through this, thank you for lending your strength. I'll miss them. With any luck they'll figure their way home.

[Malcolm]

Why can't I do it? Why can't I just let go the way I want to? What part of me is unwilling to let go? More importantly, why can't I figure out why?

I pray for guidance mother. I pray for your wisdom and truth. Show me that I may finally be rid of this last thing. Its last and most powerful stronghold. Its ability to keep me isolated.

My ego. The last war to wage on myself. Walk with me mother, show me the way to free.

[Malcolm]

White spiders huh. You know I have a thing with spiders mother. I don't particularily like them as it turns out. :)

[Malcolm]

I like these new stones. They're quarky...have a way of being brutally honest in a sage, sarcastic kinda way. Was it random chance I stumbled across them in the bargain bin??? I think not.

You know I've always been fond of divination mother. Thank you for bringing these to me. I like them very much. Not completely sure about the taoist undertones but its new material...and I do so love new material. Keeps things all shinny and new, I get bored easy... :)

[Malcolm]

I miss the chaos mother. The idleness of this place stifles me. The ground doesn't move right. This air is stale. These people lifless, just drones...I don't understand and I can't relate. I want to. I swear with every fiber of my being I want to understand this place. I want to be like them. I want to be content with my lot...but I'm not. I acknowledge all that I have and I'm grateful for it. My appreciation is nor in question. I know what it is to not have things, I don't need to prove that to anyone.

It just won't fucking come! I'm getting angry again mother. My rage is coming back. My want to destroy is returning. They said I would get better. They said I would be healthy. Can I believe them mother? Will this pass? I swore I wouldn't fight anymore. That blade is looking keen mother. That armor is looking comfortable.

I'm all fucked up mother.My entrails have become my extrails. I don't like seeing my guts on the ground. I don't like feeling this pain. I don;t like turning the other cheek. I fucking hate this weakness I have imposed on myself. I AM NOT BUILT THIS WAY. This is not what I am for. Bring me something to battle, please!

Its so cold here, and my anger will not warm me.

I know its not right, what I'm asking. I know its not healthy. Its just...I feel like I'm losing all the time. Every day sober gets more and more meaningless. I don;t feel honesty and unty in those meetings anymore. I feel weakness. I feel pity for them, they seem pitiful to me. Not wholely human anymore. They seem beaten down and weak. They seem like they gave up. They seem to use their weakness as an excuse to be ineffectual.

I judge them mother. I judge them unworthy.

I know its not right, and I don't give a shit. I am so angry right now. I celebrated my ninety days with a pint...on the sabath.

They told me I'd see hope. All I see is weakness and people living in a nuetral state of being I want no part of. They talk of all these things that made them the way the are.

I never drank or took anything because someone or some situation made me. I did because I like to be fucked up. Plain and simple. Reality bores me.

This demon inside me. This fucked up voice in my head. This fucked up impulse. Makes me want to peel my skin.

My soul is being torn apart and it hurts. I can't live this way, and I can't live their way and I can't figure out what my way is.

It has to get better. When does it get better?

I pray mother. I pray you take this pain from me. Fill this emptiness inside. I want to give myself to you, I truely do. I just struggle with all this. I suppose you have brought me the battle I so desperately wanted.

This just feels so much like a living death.

[Malcolm]

Its been awhile. I'm still here, still sober...still completely at odds with myself. Seems the honeymoon may be over. First few months all it was about was not drinking or druggin. Gave me something to focus on you kow, a clear point to focus my energy on. Just make it through the day. The days tuned to weeks and the weeks a couple months now mother and I'm left with the searing pain of my past, the depth of my insanity and the overwhelming remorse for some of the things I've done.

One by one I've watched them all fall. It reminds me that it could just as easily be me. I hate my frailty. I hate this vulnerability I feel. I hate knowing that something came very close to destroying me. Most of all I'm coming to hate being without it. I suppose these things make sense in the mind of an addict. Its going to kill me, why then does living without it feel like I'm dead already? I still feel you mother, never doubt that.

Its so hard for me to focus now though. Its too quiet, nothing feels the same. The earth no longer breathes and the currents don't shift the way I am used to. The world of the living is a lonely place for the dead mother. This is becoming hard for me. I feel like a zombie. No wants, no desires, no ambition and no dreams.

I fel so completely cut off. like my connections was abruptly severed. When it does work it is so unbelievably powerful it overwhelms my sense. Like a backlash but numbing and confusing as opposed t painful.

This place is just so foreign to me and I can't find anyone to show me the way home. I can't connect with anyone anymore.

This can't be all there is. I refuse to believe it. I saw something there in the darkness. I saw something that made me want his. So with that I make you my first vow.

I will find what it was I lost long ago. I will find a way to make this place my home. I can live here. I just need to learn how. I just need to let go of the past. Its done, can't change it now. All I can do from here is live the way I am supposed to.

You will guide me.

10000 days in the fire is long enough.

[Malcolm]

hehe

Low, there do I see my father
Low, there do I see my mother and my sisters and my brothers
Low, there do I see the line of my people back to the begining
Low, they do call to me; they bid me take my place among them
In the halls of Valhalla, where the brave may live forever

[Malcolm]

Such a strange feeling. Such a strange place to be. I am at odds with everyhting and nothing these days. Not good not bad, just a strange place to be.

[Malcolm]

I know I'm making progress in the right direction. I know I'm a better person than I used to be.

Why then do I feel like I'm floundering mother?

My time begins again mother, but I had to know. Suppose thats what started all this. Curiosity killed the cat, and gets Malcolm far a field of his original intentions. Its fine though. No permanent damage done and no plans of continuing it. I just had to know...that seems so selfish when I say it.

How quickly the dark places become familiar to one who tread them with glee in his heart and a smile pursed on mercurial lips that rarely spoke the turth. A dangerous game to play, one not worth the attonement.

Life goes by so fast and I have much ground to cover.

Walk with me mother. I'm grateful for the guidance given this past week. It did not fall on def ears. Each day passing I find myself trusting you more and more. This must be what faith feels like. This must be what a healthy relationship with the source feels like. Before was very different and limited to what could be bent to my desire....what hubris was that, in what world is that even justified?

I know now that I am far greater in the seervice of something bigger than myself. My old ways seem so foreign and alien at times. This much is true. I am no good to others or myself left to my own devices. It is simply to dangerous.

Its a crushing thing for me to admit that I need to be led. That I need someone to keep me in check. I need rules. I need a code. I need a cause.

Shit. I need people. There I said it.

Thats what I have learned.

[Malcolm]

Its frustrating. I'm trying to do the right thing. Trying to lead a "normal" life, a sober one anyway. I don't know why its so hard. I've seen the benefits of being clean, and I really am starting to like it. Its just this little nag in the back of my head...all the time now. It won't leave me alone. I wake up some days feeling anxious, my stomache tied in knots and can't figure out why. My financial situation is a joke, theres no way I can pay all these bills off...I owe more than I make. All that shit I did is finally catching up to me, all the things I put off in those days of being huged up. Here now I can't imagine what I was thinking. I guess back then I didn't really see the future, didn't even really believe I'd be around to see it. Guess when your waiting for death you don't pay much attention to the long run.

Life doesn't stop does it? You clean up and things just keep huging happening, and the worst part is....the only way you've let yourself deal with stress for years is to numb it out. So not onl are you stressed, you have no idea how to handle it in a healthy way. Really makes you face your weakness, makes you take a good look at how badly you handled things in life. All the things you should've done different. Things you shouldn't have said. Things you just wish would've worked out in a different way. In looking at that place I find myself realizing how I got that way. How much pain of unknown origin seems to permeate every memory you have. You don't remember where or when it started just that its always been there. From the beginning it seems. Everything seems a little bleak. Sometimes I think I never had a chance, and I get angry about that. I'm not gonna lie.

Looking back though I realize thats always been my problem. I don't deal with things at all. I just shove them down and pretend they don't bother me. Emotionally I feel like a child. Its aggravating at times, the deeper I dig the more I don't like. I remember all those times though, I remember thinking what I was doing was the right thing. Just bad choices I guess, or maybe I didn;t have all the information...I don't know.

I feel like I'm cleaning up the mess of a person I don't know or really like for that matter. If I could meet myself I'd just ask "Why? Why did you do that?". The worst part is this person IS me. I left myself get that way. No one forced me into that situation. Theres no one to blame but me.

Its ust depressing, really. I think thats probably it. Heres the other catch though. If I am, can I even take those pills without huging up? All these thoughts swirl around my head, constantly. Its dizzying.

Sometimes I know why I used...it shut this shit off. Everything is pounding in on me constantly. Relentlessly drowning all my senses. People places situations peoples demeanors mannerisms emotions and everything...just make it stop. I feel like a flood gate of unfamiliar things has been opened and twenty seven years of not dealing with shit is kinda overwhlming me.

I'm trying to find the courage to fight this battle mother but I don't understand these rules. This is unlike anything I've ever done before. I feel like a spoiled child jumping up and down saying its not fair! its not fair!...tough shit though right? I made this mess, now I need to clean it up. I'm not sure if I can clean it all up on my own though.

I'm just kinda down today is all. I don't really feel connected right now. I wonder sometimes if I'm not loosing my connection to the divine. Thats another thing though. Of all the crap I can't handle that came with being clean I really liked that feeling of being connected. The feeling of not being alone in all this. I need that. I need to go back.

Overall I think I'm scared. I am so huging scared. Terrified not knowing whats going to happen. Why can't I just leave it all behind. Why do I love this pain so much? Maybe I have masochistic tendencies, spose all addicts do.

I'm just confused and indecisive.

[Malcolm]

Fine, I'll do it. I may be pleasantly surprised or my guts may be ripped out again. Theres something I find so beutiful about fatalistic situations. I've never understood that about myself. All or nothing, or it doesn't interest me.

Funny this is always what it takes.

Walk with me mother. Guide me through this. Someday I'll find peace. I know that now. Someday It won't feel like this. I know that now.

I'm ready. So many years, its time to move on.

[Malcolm]

The first weeks always the hardest. I remember that know. After the shakes and anxiety wear off. After your appetite returns an life doewsn't seem like such a long an unremembered dream. After that fog lifts. Thats when it gets the hardest.

When there is nothing left to focus on but the pain and fall out from what you've done. You can;t ignore it either because it ermeates every aspect of your life. There is nowhere to turn. No single point to deal with. You can't mythodically work your way through it one issue at a time.

I am coming to figure that out about me. I really do think to much. I never thought that was possible.

I do like to do the same things I do clean as when I'm not. They just feel different. Have a different undercurrent of energy. Its unfamiliar but welcome.

There really is only one thing holding me back isn't there mother. One situation I can't handle. That hurts.

I just want to help thats all. Its not my place, I know that. I just feels so wrong to walk away. It feels cowardly. I never used to have a problem throwing people to the wolves. The weak die, thats what they do. I used to believe that. It used to be a corner stone I'd fight and defend dog tooth and nail.

It was an excuse though mother. It gave me an excuse to leave them behind so iwouldn't have to hurt. Made it their fault, and exempted me from my responsibility to help my brothers and sisters when they needed it.

I find it ironic that this lesson is taught now and in this way.

Is it true mother? Is it true that sometimes to help you have to leave? If you tell me too, you know I will. Please tell me too.

I sit here and beg but I already know the answer. This is mine to decide. The answer to this question will only be revealed in the fullness of time.

I only ask this. Walk with them mother. Watch over them and protect them. Bring them safely home should they choose. I leave that in your hands.

As for me and mine. Lets find the horizon again. This dark place no longer suites me.

[Malcolm]

Its the silence mother. I can't take the silence. Try and drown it out, try and distract myself...doesn't work. I hate not knowing.

Why is it so hard for me to be alone now? Just doesn't make sense.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=392396576383000909&q=Pearl+Jam+I+am+Mine&total=86&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=0


though this one may be better

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4n6LP_VReM

[Malcolm]

I am so tired. Worn out. I need to sleep. Just a little retreat. Take a step back and let everything sink in. The days go by so fast.

[Malcolm]

Been ten years now mother. Ten years I been lookin for answers and haven't found them. Thats a blessing I think.

Its my dedication day on Lugh, ten years ago. Damn, how many places have I been since then. How many things have I seen. How many things have I learned. Its mind bogglingly enormous to think of how far and how fast I've come. How I've changed and things I know now to be true and the things I know to be shite.

I'm an old man. Its not the years its the miles. Guess this is that mid point in my journey. 27 years old, not a bumbling kid but not an elder either. Old enough to know better but still a bit to young to always follow my own advice.

Sinneres make the best saints and bad decisions build wisdom.

Just wow, I'm overwhelmed thinking about it.

I'm ready for what comes next mother. I truely am.

[Malcolm]

It took my grandmother, grandfather, almost took me and its working on my father....two days ago it took my uncle. What did we do to twist this thing up within outr family, and is its sights set on my daughter?

The thought has been weighing heavily on me mother. Does she have this battle to look forward to? Can it end with me? Do I have any say in it?

I know its stupid to think but did it take him because it couldn't have me? Will it focus even more on my father now? My father my sister, myself and my daughter are all thats left of this branch of the family. The gods know where the rest are, somewhere in texas last I knew. I wonder if they have the same problem with this.

I didn't really know my uncle, but from what the described of his condition....I've been there. I can relate even if only by speculation.

I guess what really bugs me is that could've been me.

[Malcolm]

That was just painful to watch. I guess it went just like we knew it would but we could hope right. I guess that kid just really doesn't get it does he, that makes me sad. Although I was pleasently surprised to see my ohter brother doing so well. Shits really turned around for him, I'm glad. Sadness never suited him.

I think maybe I'm going to make more of an effort to stay in contact witht him, as for the other....not much I can do for him sadly. Its sad but I guess there just comes a point when you have to resign yourself to the fact some folk won't change.

I feel bad for his dog though. He doesn't deserve that life. That sounds kinda funny I know but its been awhile since I've seen an animal and could read "Help Me" in its expression. Sucks even worse not having the room for him...otherwise I'd take him in. Hes a good dog.

Hey look thats compassion right??? I'm getting better! :nyah:

G'night mother. I'm very tired...I seem to be lately.

[Malcolm]

I'm hungry, I'm broke as shit...smoking pouch tobacco...coastin around on fumes

Oddly enough, I'm content right now. Don't really know why. This last month has been a struggle, financially anyway. The rest of this month doesn't look so good either.

Still, its not so bad. In a wyrd way.

[Malcolm]

Alright, I'll do it. Burn away the excess distractions. Focus on what really matters. Back to the primitive....become comfortable with less again. Too many nights sleeping in soft beds and tummy fat on food that is neither healthy nor necessary.

Bring it back down. I think I'm ready for another trip in the web mother. See you on the other side.

[Malcolm]

Spiders. Spiders everywhere....just kidding.

Still knockin about. Wrapping my head around a few things. Things are going well mother. I'm learning these lessons. Everything seems so much more focused, not as much raw potence but much more focus and much more control.

I like to think the fires of that catastrophy tempered me. Brought me back round to the other side. Time I'spose will tell on that one. We'll have to see, suffice to say that I feel much better.

I have been without internet, cable television and a great many other luxuries that were making me fat and soft. I'm still sober of course. still intently focused on what needs to be done. I'm glad you are sticking with me through this mother. Its good to know I can lean on something if need be. I try not to abuse the curtosie(yeah I spelled that wrong) you've shown me.

Just trying to do the next right thing. Trying to unravel these knots and walk the path I'm meant to, not the one I force.

[Malcolm]

For a girl I knew.

_____________________________________________________

So many days and not enough time. Memories cling to thought as frost waits the morning sun. Diggin in this place where the dead lay shallow. Shambling constructs in lives own vision shuffle moth to moth, flame to flame.

I step lively avoiding the dances of those fallen fast. Keeping a wall flowers muse close to my breast, singing songs for songs sung.
_____________________________________________________

I know its unwise mother. I know. I just miss her sometimes is all. I couldn't even tell you why honestly. I've met more remarkable women before. This whole thing sucks. Why do I lust after poison mother? Choices made are choices weighed and I now well the price of that place. Why then am I willing to risk it to bring someone back to the light? Is it my place? Ain't no savin them that want no part. I know this. I also know what I woulda gave for someone to show me the way to free. Trouble is no one can show you that path, comes from inside. You just have to want it.

Shes a pridefull woman mother. Could be her pride keeps her from comin round. Could be the thought of admiting weakness keeps her from comin round. Hell, could be me keeps her from comin round.

What am I doing mother? This is heresy, arrogance, hubris. The heart wants what the heart wants and mine wants to charge back in on my bullshit white horse and save the damsel in distress. What a load of shit.

It doesn't fucking work that way.

If shes using, she isn't the same girl I knew. Juat an addiction. She'll take me with her and I'd probably let her. I'm glad she hasn't kept in touch...sometimes. Othertimes I just wish she'd call. Answer my text, whatever. I hate not knowing.

Its not my place is it mother? More will be revealed. I trust that. You've not let me down before, I'll try my damndest to keep my end.

Walk with me please. I think I could use a shoulder for a bit. Its just enough to know you're around.

Thank you

[Malcolm]

So this is ninety again. Funny, its my second set of ninety days this year. That makes one hundred and eighty sober days this year. Thats more than I've had over the past ten years probably.

Maybe thats not so funny. Yeah, no. Its not funny at all. Just seems like so much wasted time. Life mishandled and chances missed. Bad decisions. Damn near all of them and the only one that really ever mattered I gave away. Its messed up I know but I can't even be bothered to regret it. Doesn't do any good anyway.

Its still hurts sometimes to know I don't have to be here alone. I didn't have to do this alone. Things could have been very different. Sometimes I wish I'd have been a blackout guy...then I couldn't remember the night I made that decision. Like I said it doesn't do any good to regret the past. Doesn't make it feel any better.

Just tired of being alone is all. I know what they say. Not now, its not healthy and all that. We have to be careful.

I guess I'd rather be sober and alone, than fucked up and with someone. It gets damn cold sometimes. Soetimes all there is to come home to is an empty apartment and cold pizza....that kinda sucks. Actually, it really sucks most times. All my guy friends in relationships are all "Man, I wish I was a bachelor again..."

Yeah, no they don't. If they ever were all I'd hear is how lonely it is.

Maybe I should get a dog or something.

Anyway, ninety days. Yay. Kinda hard to get excited about it for some reason.

[Malcolm]

This fourth step is a real bitch of a thing. Searching and fearless inventory....thats a laugh. Awfully damn short list that one. I hate remembering all the crap I ever resented or felt bad about. Its tough being honest with yourself, even tougher when you atart to realize all the things you ever did that you rationalized to yourself as the only possible way to handle things, were in fact NOT the only way to handle things and proably not the best either.

Its good though, getting a handle on your shit. Trying honestly to take a look at things you aren't so proud of and trying to become a better person. Shit, I was lokean...did alot of things I'm not so proud of. I used it as an excuse thats my biggest shame. I was selfish enough to use it to justify my means. That is hubris. That is heresey. I'm still not sure how that makes me feel. Self realization is a bitch. Leaves you a bit rough around the edges.

I've had so many personal victories lately. Identified so many things about myself I want to change. Interestingly enough, they don't make me feel down on myself. Rigorous honesty, not BRUTAL honesty. Its nice to look at yourself and say "Yes, this is not a good way to be. So change it." without the guilt of it wrecking any chance for actual growth.

Not forgiveness but attonement. The chance to make it right by trying to fix it. Thats the most precious gift I have been given. The chance to attone for what I've done. I pray I have the depth of constitution to see this through.

Its been a long journey this year...and its not even over. I'm still looking forward to it though.

I have you to thank for this mother. Whomever you may be. Thank you.

[Malcolm]

So I got this friend, havin a rough go of things. Maybe you could check in on them? I'm to far away and not in the best place to be helping. figured maybe there was something you could for them. Even if it is just tossin a good dream or two their way. Decent nights sleep or something. Nothing of burning bush theatrics or anything like that, just some good vibes? Maybe?

Anyway, its late for me. Doors always open. g'night.

[Malcolm]

With style and grace as per usual. You're a hip hip lady ma. Maybe someday you could teach me to be so elegantly complex with beutiful simplicity. _whistle_

[Malcolm]

Theres a verse from flogging Molly song that keeps running htrough my head.

I sit in and dwell on faces past
Like memories seem to fade
No colour left but black and white
And soon will all turn grey
But may these shadows rise to walk again
With lessons truly learnt
When the blossom flowers in each our hearts
Shall beat a new found flame

There is a flame in me mother. This flame warms me and steels my resolve. This flame lays low all obstacles set before me. This flame lights the way to free. This flame sheds light on the truth of what I am and the way I see things now. This flame is your gift to me mother.

Not the curse I once thought it to be. Not the inferno left unchecked razing all things I touched to the ground. Controled and directed, subte but potent. No longer threatening to consume me from the inside out.

These days I count myself fortunate, and I have many blessings to be thankful for.

I saw the dark, lived in its world of corrupt morality and subversive truths. Embraced it as a mentor and welcomed it into my soul.

My demons have been cast out.

It would seem life is the only adventrure I have left. What an odd turnabout. :hehehehe:

[Malcolm]

So, I guess this is where it settles in. Fitting time of the year. Couple weeks till new year. A sober new year. First I've seen in a long time. First time I've been sober for the holidays in a long time.

I'm not sure what to make of it. I've always liked the winter time. I've always felt my best this time of year, the beggining anyway....seems to change round the end.

How far I've come this year. I've made remarkable progress all things considered. Had some remarkable help also. It amazes me how vastly different the things I'm dealing with are. What things matter to me now as opposed to then. I used to cast off most things as unnecessary. The realization that I don't need to go without anymore.

Its okay for me to acquire things now. I don't have to worry about what won't be taken care of if I indulge a bit. I'm not drunk poor anymore. Why do I still feel guilt whenever I get something I want. Its rediculous. Even if it wasn't necessary. Nothing went unpaid so I could have it. Point of fact I still have more left over than I used to have period. Why then do I feel bad? It doesn't make sense.

Its almost like I have to find something to feel bad about or my life just isn't complete. Its amusing really. Some of the reasons I come up with to beat myself up over are really comical. I mean seriously wtf is wrong with me.

I am leaps and bounds ahead of where I was last year. I guess its just startling to come to that realization.

Winter. A time for change...it certainly seems to be this year. Grandfather Winter, good to see you again. If I ever needed anyones council during this transitionary period, its yours. I'm looking forward to the coming months.

The well of wyrd, cerridwens cauldron, pandoras box....we'll see.

G'night old man.

[Malcolm]

First time I've been sick and not chased it away with a hot toddy, then the rest of the fifth....followed by a few pills or whatever I could get my hands on.

Being sick sucks. I feel hungover. I feel like I always used to feel. I don't like it. To think I liken this feeling to how I used to feel everyday...its just f'd up. How did I function? What kind of stupid existence was that? It kind of bothers me that somewehre inside I still know how to function like this. Bothers me but its useful. I'm not layed out good for nothing sick. I still finish my christmas shopping tomorrow. How funny is that. Me, christmas shopping and worrying whether I'll feel well enough to finish it tomorrow. What a laugh.

Check me ut over here, faking like I'm normal. Blending in with the common people. Honestly sometimes I feel like an actor. Like I do things that normal people do, only its all new to me so I take a weird pleasure in it. It hasn't become so routine for me that I take it for granted.

Like getting sick. I'm oddly fascinated with it. It amuses me a bit the way I feel achey and stuff, only now its legitimate. It has nothing to do with the amount of chemicals I force through my body. Its...natural. Its beutiful. Its life.

I appreciate it now. I accept it. Even my worst days sober are better. I believe that now. I have that faith.

Which brings me to this feeling. I can feel the threads shaking grandfather. Something stirs in the web. I can't sense the pattern yet but its there. I feel it. Something is coming. Though I don't feel compelled to take any action at this time. This knot will un-ravel irsef in due time. What paths will lay before me after, I have to wonder.

To be sure New Years is coming, I know that. This feels more spiritual than temporal though I can't help think the two require eachother. Interesting. I've never felt New Years to be an extraordinary day. Never felt any magic at the tick of midnight. Least, none that I remember.

[Malcolm]

Tastes like jager. Cough medicine I mean. I took some a few minutes ago. I drank it down and almost instantly thought about jager. Thought about a nice fat joint, and a pint. Just like that. That quick.

Frontal assault on the senses. This was no cunning craving. This was brute force memory. Interesting. That hasn't happened for awhile now. Interestingly enough shortly after that thought process I heard Ben Kenobi in my head "We must be ever mindful of our thoughts Anakin."

I don't even like Star Wars. Maybe it ws my subconcious slapping me in the face with saomething so surreal it knew I'd be forced to change my thought process. If thats the case.

Subconcios 1 addiction 0

[Malcolm]

Funny. I never could have pictured myself standing in front of the mirror saying "Who cares what they think." like I was trying to convince myself. Then having to remind myself that IF that is what they think there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I know the truth. The gods know the truth and damnit, thats all that I really care about.

Sometimes I'm so damned paranoid. Thats one of the things I've yet to overcome. I still have this idea that everyone is waiting for me to screw up. Its been almost a year and I haven't. I honestly don't think people hold things against you as long as I think they do. Its like they want to believe you. Its weird. Like the rest of the world isn't nearly as cynical as I am. Jaded maybe...hell I don't know. Just different than me. Different in a good way.

Thats a world I want to be part of. I like it there.

Maybe this year will be better than the last.

Thank you

[Malcolm]

New Year.

New me.

The Fool.


Thank you mother. I will be home shortly. Still visiting with Grandfather, he has such wonderful insight.

[Malcolm]

Normally when I'm driving home at night I conciously avoid letting myself linger on the neon lights of bars. Its never really tempting to stop in and get a drink or anything, it just feels like looking at the past...and I'm not going that way again.

TOnight I was driving by this bar and for whatever reason I let myself think about the bar scene. The smoke filled rooms, smell whiskey and guiness, laughing and tlking, the loud music played through a bad sound system; always playing a little louder than the speakers should handle. Standing around with the guys playing darts or pool. Women with make up applied a bit to thick but appropriate for the lighting.

I felt a strange empathy for the poor bastard who is in there and in the same place I was when I was there. Guess I never really paid attention to the "Moment of silence for the alcoholic who still suffers." We open most meetings like that. I always viewed it as kinda campy and never really paid it much attention.

I think maybe I'll take that line a little more seriously from now on. I remeber that feeling. I can't rightly put it into words yet, but I remember how horrible that felt. I have 145 days out of it. My world doesn't even remotely function in the same way it did then.

I can finally put my finger on soemthing, or remember rather. I used to think my bottom was seeing myself in the mirror that day. I think now I know it was because this thought was always in the back of my mind.

I wasn't always like that. The world was different once. I'm beggining to see that world again. Bits and pieces here and there. Nothing constant yet. This place is very much an environment of deconstruction and reconstruction. Trimming out what is not wanted and fostering the good.

"Destroy all that is evil, so that which is good may flourish"

I heard that line in a movie. A campy vigilante flic, a good movie in my opinion but a chessy action flic none-the-less. Funny lines like that are the ones that stick with me.

I am so sory for the poor bastard that is stuck in that place. My heart breaks for anyone that chooses to live like that. Its funny to me because I remember being so in love with my soul sickness. I fostered it and was convinced it was the only thing keeping me together. How wrong I was. How arrogant.

I have come far but I have to keep reminding myself there is further to go still.

We are not a glum lot. No one laughs in the face of death like an addict. In addiction and recovery. Everyday really is a miracle. I don't care how stupid that sounds or how much I want to roll my eyes at it. Its the truth. Everyday I am not in that place anymore is a gift. A gift I give myself.

g'night mother I've much on my mind and I am tired

[Arianne Weaver]

Just wanted to say - Happy New Year - Happy New You. Blessings, Arianne.

[Malcolm]

Questions mother. Questions demand answers and no one will go as far as I will to get them. I crusade, its what I do. When I realize there may be another way I just can't help but explore it. Its what makes me me. Curious malcolm, curious little terran monkey.

Fear is temporary knowledge is forever but knowledge without mileage is bullshit. Why do I react this way to fear? Why does it act as a catalyst not a deturent. I love being afraid, Its almost like another addiction to me...and the adrenaline. Fear adrenaline uncertainty all those things. It's hard for me to function without them. Its hard for me to feel alive without them.

Someone asked me why I can't just be. I can. Its f'ng boring. I'm not for sitting on my ass. I wasn't made for that. Its not in my nature.

I may never be the calm tranquil person I want to be. More and more I think maybe I'm not supposed to be. I was born wild.

I just need to find a way to reconcile that with my new life. Its possible. I know it is. I need guidance,

[Malcolm]

OK. Its true. I don't know where this path is heading. Many things may happen. The variables are too many to trace a pattern. Too many knots to know the way it will all unfold. Whatever comes comes. I'm ok with that.

Whatever will be, will be. I get it now. That piece simply doesn't fit. It must be discarded.

"Hearts and thoughts they fade. Fade away."
~ Pearl Jam

[Malcolm]

There are only three things in this world that matter to me anymore. My daughter. My sobriety. My faith.

That last one is in question, again. Why am I so blind? What the fuck is wrong with me. I've seen how I am without it. I saw what could happen when I had it. Why then do I doubt it now? I hate that everytime things star going well for me I get a big head about it and ditch out on you. Why do i question my faith only when I reap the rewards of it?

How quickly I forget. It pisses me off. Am I really this selfish?

[Malcolm]

And things are good again...I'll have six months on monday. I really wood have thought my mood would have stabilised by now. Still seems to swing are randomly as ever though. Maybe thats something that will come in time, maybe not. Maybe alot of things I want will come in time. Its not mine to see I 'suppose.

Seems every moment over the past year has been leading up to this. I'm not in that bad of shape all things considered. I wonder if I am capable of this. I'm better than I used to be thats for sure, but am I well enough? You certainly don't like to mess around. Still, I don't find it cruel. I find it honest. I had every opportunity to see this coming and didn't. Oddly enough I don't feel there is much else I could've done to ready myself. Maybe a couple things but nothing that wrecks the plan totally.

I don't stumble around blind anymore like I used to. Seems before I tried to control everything, that was plan. Now I take a much more reactionary role, much like active non-action. Its tough for me, but it seems to work well. Your way not my way...normally our ends are the same anyway. I think maybe before I saw energies as something to be controlled or manipulated. Now I respect their individuality a little more, they have their own purpose.

We shall see.

g'night mother

[Malcolm]

Funny, matriarch doesn't necessarily mean mother. I see now. This moment in time doesn't belong to me. What does the future hold? Its an exciting prospect. Service work...I could slap my sponsor, or hug him I'm not sure which. Good lad that one.

[Malcolm]

Six months. Half of a year. Thats a long time not to take a drink...for me anyway. Seems like a lifetime. I feel very much like a child waking up from a bad dream. Everything is new to me.

Theres alot of things happening now. Someone told me that the group had a "vested interest in me, that they genuinely care about me and enjoy when I share" Thats weird. Having a group of people care about you. Especially a room full of addicts. That a huge compliment really. Drunks are famous for being self-centered...its what we do.

This path constantly amazes me.

[Malcolm]

and the hits just keep on comin, happy birthday to me

I've been digging this song lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YiUXl0TwR8

[Malcolm]

Winter rain. I sometimes feel like that. It gives me a feeling of trudging...in a good way. It reminds of the need for perserverance. Move forward. Accept the way things are and move forward. Pull your cloak in tight and keep heading home. Be ever watchful for the wolves in the darkness. Well known are the things that wait off the path for warry and lost travellers, kinsmen to me once upon a keening. This weather turns my mood to a grim side I carry deeply within me. The resolve of someone who has faced the truth of his being. I've not so many skeletons in my closet as can't be counted...but enough to fill a hall for sure. I've done many bad things, some good as well.

That does not make me evil by any means. It does nothing to darken my soul. My nature is my nature. I can't be what I am not. I think thats the point of all this. I can try and be what it is I want or I can be what I am. I think maybe I am finally forgiving myself for the mistakes I made as a child. Thats exactly what I was in terms of how I saw things. Just a stupid kid that thought he knew more about the worlds than he did.

May be its the time of year, may be this point in the season of my life, but its been a deeply introspective winter.

[Malcolm]

complications large obstacles the chance for freedom and things moving far afield from what I thought was the course. So much for planning eh? I can ride I suppose. I'm so injured I can't soldier a bit more.

[Malcolm]

And there was a hook I wasn't expecting. A good one, but a crazy variable none-the-less. Why now? I mean thank you, but why now? Whats the lesson here? You have my full attention.

Thank You.

[Malcolm]

Good thing I was paying attention. Thats all I'm gonna say about that. You teach harsh lessons. I'm not sure why I'm surprised. I understand why things are working out the way the are.

This hurts. I won't lie. Thank you for showing me this.

[Malcolm]

It must be nuch harder for her than it was for me. It was hard to leave things behind or at least becme comfortable where I am now. I never took to that world as much as she. It really must be more difficult for her. A complete loss of identity. Thats a terrible thing for anyone to have to deal with.

Please watch over her, and lend her the courage to face what comes. Please keep this in my thoughts. Its humbling, and does me well. Reminds me I am not unipue.

Thank you for showing me this. I have a tendency to expect people to be tough, I have high expectations but it seems lately that it is irrelevant to expect to live up to my expectations. Their worlds are not my world. Their pain is not my pain. Its deeply personal and only their conclusions will help them slip that noose.

I need to be reminded of that constantly.

[Malcolm]

This is not a good time. I find myself in a very dangerous place. I feel so numb. Everything was going well. Who the fuck does that person think they are? Why? What the hell were we doing wrong? I don't understand this. Maybe my feelings of persecution are completely unfounded but they remain still.

I've not felt this anger in a very long time. It frieghtens me how much I want to embrace it. Like all the little instances of it before were a pale reflection of what is just below the surface. This is different. Wildly destructive but tempered with a false justification. Gods help whomever may be the target of this if I embrace it...and I am thinking about it. Mother help me I am thinking about it.

Just, take this from me please. I can smell whiskey. I can feel its burn in the back of my throat. I can recall in vivid detail the feeling of a warm belly and a steady hand. The beutiful agony of the morning after. The feeling of the days sliding together into a place where nothing matters.

It wants out. Its tearing me apart. Damn this addiction, and damn me for birthing it.

[Malcolm]

I know what needs to be done. Seems everytime I try and make things complicated it is simply because I don't want to acknowledge the simple truths you show me. I want to twist things around till I have an excuse to follow my own desire to control.

This thing in me wears many masks mother. As may as I have crafted with blood sweat trears and broken promises. It took me years to weave ths pattern. Will it take as many to unweave what I have done?

It seems I find myself in the same place I was a month ago...nothing changed, nothing resolved. I still have to leave don't I?

I'm afraid. I don't want to be alone anymore...and I don't know how to make friends. I barely know how to not see people as opportunities or resources...and love? What the hell do I know about love? I'm surprised I can even spell that word without my fingers catching fire.

But I'll do it. I'll go where you want me too. You've not let me down so far and i think I've done well holding up my end of the bargain. I'm not perfect but I never promised to be.

That is a long road mother. Walk with me.

[Malcolm]

Something akin to disillusion I suppsose. More than likely a glaring example of what is wrong with me. Nothing will ever be enough will it. I looke back over the past year and think of all the things that have gone well for, of which there are many. I look at my current circumstances and realize they aren;t that bad...all things considered. Actually all things considered things are going really well. The facts speak of a happy place, safe from the vile horrors of my previous existence.

Why then do I still feel unhappy? Nothing will ever be enough for me will it? No amount of succes. No amount of money. No amount of friends, comforts or adventure. No amount of change. None of it will ever be enough for me.

Not sure how I feel about this revelation.

Its my fire. It will never be done feeding, it will always be hungry for more. I suppose now that I know that I can try and do something about it...but how do you learn to live with that feeling?

I've always disliked stories about vampires. They were never my favorite "creatures" but I am kind of starting to draw some correlations between them and myself. I know that sounds stupid but its true. I understand that "thirst". I suppose all junkies do. This is retarted.

I don't want to be this way. I don't know if I want to live like this. I'm not contemplating suicide or anything like that. Thats not an option for me. I just feel so lost and confused right now.

I don't know what to do. Simple as that. I can't live that way and this way is taking to damn long!

[Malcolm]

And just like that...poof, everything is okay again. What the hell? It makes no sense and I suppose it never will. Existing in the space between reaction and action is tricky but seems to work. Interesting. I kinda like shutting my mind off. Its hard for me, but it does seem to produce results.

"Be here now", seems like such a simple and stupid little cleche'. Living in the moment, or at least focusing attention on the task at hand is something I've rarely done to great effect. Seems there is always something else taking my mind on a long walk in the web. Pity, it seems I miss many of the trivial beuties of my day to day existence when I do that.

Maybe it is the simple things I've been missing. I've felt alot more serene since I started trying that. Being here now, I mean. I'm not very good at it and have to constantly reign myself back in...but Thats how all mental training works. My mind couldn't drift far afield before I cut its tether...which took a lot of work.

I am so unbelievably unbalanced its rediculous. How did this happen? How did I not see it?

Least this is something I know how to fix. Guess I'll just focus my attention on this for the forseeable future.

Self improvement is masturbation...
~Tyler Durden, praise be upon him :lol:

Thank you for these lessons.

[Malcolm]

Its in your hand now. I asked for a stay once. I'll not do it again. That was my oath, I will honor it.

F*CK this hurts.

[Malcolm]

There is nothing I can do about what someone else does. I know that. It has little to do with me. Its like a train wreck that just won't stop. You watch someone continue to destroy themselves and their life and there is nothing you can do for them. I hate that feeling. I wish I didn't have feelings for this person, and I wish the right thing wasn't what I am doing.

I'm no savior I kow that. I just wish there was something I could do. Something I could say to make them stop. I know what I'm doing is what needs be done.

That doesn't make it hurt any less. I have to step away.

Addiction is ruthless in its persuit of destroying you. Nthing is safe ground and it will use everything it can to drag you back.

I never thought staying sober would require me to be as hard hearted. The weak don't make it. I suppose I use the word weak to categorize them and make it easier for me to walk away. Its an empty title though. I don't see them as weak. I know how tempting it can be.

I had hope again, hope hinged on someone else...thats never good. I should have seen it coming but thats my thing. Pretty yes and sweet words and I loose myself completely.

Maybe someday it'll work. Not this time though. Not right now. Not with this person. Just bad timing I guess.

I don;t really feel much of anything right now. Just kind of empty. That one singular thought keeps running through my head though

"Keep moving. Don't stop. Life won't wait for you to figure this out."

Thats what I have to do. Keep moving. No matter how much it hurts and n matter how much I wat to scream "Its not fair"...doesn't matter.

So its me again. Thats enough. I guess it'll have to be for now.

Serenity
Courage
Wisdom

Walk with me mother. This is a long road.

[Malcolm]

That is your right. I'm not angry, I want you to know that. I understand it should go without saying...but I'm saying it anyway. I understand. Yours is the right way of things.

[Malcolm]

I worry now, mother. I don't know if I've ever done that for someone else. Not like this. It creeps in at odd moments. Difficult to figure this feeling out mother. I think of this person and I don't feel anything in particular...just a kind of empty space...but not the uncomfortable empty. Not the kind thats waiting to be filled either. More like an interest to see what fits in that space. A closed door but not a locked one. More of a "just in case" type space I guess...its a weird detachment but not abandoning feeling. With no expectations attached either...thinking of that space is even harder than describing it. I can feel it well enough but I struggle to define it.

I think it is love but I don't know which kind it is. If thats true can I even afford to let myself feel this?That sounds so stupid...I don't think its the romantic kind of love. I don't know anymore. I need to sleep on this

Why her? I've more reason to love other people in my life...or is this first time I'm on the outside of the train wreck and this is nothing but sympathy. Something else I'm not very accustomed too. Emotions ae a tricky thing and I have relatively little experience relating to people when I'm not using them for something.

Strange place you've led me.

G'night

[Malcolm]

I've no reason to believe things are going wrong. Contrary, things are actually looking better. The world turns and it turns in my favor. I hate that this is when things get the worst for me. Everytime I start to get somewhere that little voice nags at me. trying to convince me its not enough, that I'm not enough...that I'm not good enough. I wish it would just shut up. I don;t believe it anymore but its pressence still angers me, annoys me. Keeps me from being content.

Its always worse a couple days before a birthday too. Tomorrow is nine months and I feel like I've made progress. I feel like I've come a long way. That voice tells me otherwise though. I guess maybe it always will. Is this my fate? Will life always be like this? Thats stupid. It won't be. Its just tough right now thats all.

It'll be alright. I believe that now.

I still think about using everyday...thats all it is though. Thinking. Theres nothing left there for me. I used it all up. Its as simple as that. No going back, no changing anything. Here and now. Thats what I have. Maybe thats all there is. Maybe thats enough.

[Malcolm]

All I have at this point is the ability to realize something is not working and change it. Thats really not such a bad thing to show for the past nine months. Thats just pretty alright really. Things don't seem so gloomy.

Lets see where it goes. My interest is certainly peaked.

[Malcolm]

I'm going tomorrow. I'm not sure what to expect really. Do you remember over a year ago. Those moments when I thought I felt something, thought I felt you? I'm curious as to if tomorrow will feel the same. I'm nervous. I have no reason to be but I am all the same. I hope you like whatever it is I bring to offer. I can't decide on that either. Guess I should just keep my eyes and ears open till then.

See you tomorrow.

[Malcolm]

It didn't and still doesn't feel the same. Though I do believe I much prefer this version. I heard you. All I have to say to that is "Yes Ma'am."...If I had a hat I'd tip it for extra emphasis on the "Ma'am"...Hey, I'm not that kind of country...but you knew that..

[Malcolm]

Just dropped by to say hi. I don't think I do that enough. Seems I always come around for advice or to bitch. Neither of those reasons this time. Just wanted to say Hi. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with that spot out back. I don't want to just whack away at it and then decide I shoulda left some things the way they were. The dog likes it back there the way it is I think. She seems pretty agreeable though and I doubt she'll mind much.

Anyway, its your space...just let me know how you want it.

[Malcolm]

So I'm in this meeting and people are talking about suicidal thoughts...I'm contemplating spiking the coffee with whiskey. Within in minutes I've hatched a plan to ruin everyone in the rooms sobriety and I can barely contain the smile on my face or the laugh building up from deep inside me. I decide I'll say something like "You couldn't fix me so I broke you."

What disturbs me is the fact that I had no intention of drinking the coffee too. I just really wanted to bite the hand that feeds so to speak. The thought of it was so amusing to me that I couldn't think about anything else for the entire hour. I imagined the look on everyones face and contemplated their reactions. Even planed for violent opposition which I would take legal action over and use the money to pay off my student loans. It seemed like a grand plan. Trash a room of Alcoholics sobriety and pay off my debts...all the while entertaining the hell out of myself. Win win I say.

Gods I'm sick. I mean, normal people don't think about shit like that do they? It was a plan and it had the word domination in it...or damnation...sometimes I have trouble telling the difference.

Other than that everything has been sunshine and rainbows lately. True Story.

[Malcolm]

Slipped fire through nooses of pleasant deceit
Bore pain groundwise twice upon a dream
Split bone in knuckles hallow
Tore the face from a backlight sky
Wandered well marked paths
Scribed patterns of lapis in ambers court
Spoke low words to high men
Tired now, so very weary

[Malcolm]

Things are good. I still have no idea where this is all going but its an interesting journey. I still need to get a lunch bag...I know thats random but it seems my htoughts have turned to a more practical nature lately. No grand dreams or sheming plans or anything like that. I just want to make it now, and I know how. Thank you for that. I think your practical nature is rubbing off on me.

There really is no "Me and them" just me, and for some reason...that makes things a bit easier. I'm happy to have soem other Heathens in the area. I may not talk with them as often as I should but its enough to know they're out there if I have questions or just need to talk to anohter Heathen. This really is becoming more of a worldview than a heady philosophy. I greatly appreciate that.

Its odd for me finding something that says "Just be you. You know whats right, do it." It constantly amazes me how little I have to try to assimilate it. It just makes sense, plain and simple. Almost like I was wired this way from birth. I don't have to 'convince' myself of anything.

Thank you for seeing me again. I know I have a long way to go but I'd much appreciate it if you would walk with me, all of you. You're welcome in my home anytime.

[Malcolm]

I see a little bit more clearly these days and I know what I need to do. Bold, but not foolhardy, desisions must be made. Do what needs doing, thats all. No grand show or plea for recognition. Life is hard, be harder....all that kinda thing.

On a side note I've been thinking about death alot lately. Not in the sardonic way in which I'm used to. Just an honest look at death and the soul and what may happen. Suppose I should be talking with Hel as I'm sure thats where I'll end up...I'm not much of a warrior. But how do you approach her? She's very enigmatic, at least to me anyway. Its odd for me not to want to be irreverant in the face of the divine. I guess thats progress on my part but it takes me COMPLETELY out of my comfort zone. I suck at being respectful or taking things as seriously as I should. I really hope I don;t swing to far the opposite way and get all serious and melancholy...like Eor, that would suck.

This is the way the world works though. I need money. I need a second job. Period. No robbing peter to pay paul. No sitting on my arse and whining about being broke all the time. If you need something, go get it. Its only for a few months anyway and I know exactly how long that is. Not very.

If I can not drink for ten months now I can handle two jobs for three. Thats a cake walk. There was that Help Wanted sign in that coffee shop I always go to. I know how to make coffee, Starbucks taught me that lol...okay so yeah I know Starbucks is the devil but whatever.

If you could help me with that, that would be awesome. I'll go tonight after work and grab an app. See what happens. Check CJ tonight and see whats out there.

[Malcolm]

Sometimes I just get so sad...feel tired and wore out on every level imaginable. Sometimes I just need to retreat from the world for a day and be alone. Its strange. It always makes me feel better afterward but the day is usually wasted and I get nothing done.

I keep telling myself "two more months...just two more and it will be over." I'm not ashamed to admit I think I'm running out of steam. I know things are going to get better by the end of the year. I can't believe its taken almost two years t get to this point. I remember musing some time ago about whether it would take as long to put things right as it did to screw them up. Well, looks like it will. I'm alright with that actually. There isn't much I can do about it now except get moving. Keep doing what I'm doing and it will happen. I know that. They've shown me a new way and it works. It feels right. It speaks to me in my language and says only one thing "You know whats right, do it." and I can say I've honestly been trying. Not paying lip service.

I remember when this whole thing started thinking "All I really want is a house a dog and a bike." Well I have the first two now. I'm back in the house I bought some years ago...actualy managing not to get the utillities turned off so far, I mean, scraping by anyway. I got this awesome dog, for free actually. Everything really is going pretty well all things considered. Its just my ability to focus on the negatives that lead to my little whinny self depricating retreats. Funny thing is though, now when I do it noone at work really thinks "Oh, he probably got drunk last night."

Eh, maybe I'll go mow my yard and take the dog for a walk or something. Set a precedence. Next time I do this, and I will, I'm sure. It'll be for fun. I really don;t have anything to bitch about when it comes right down to it. For some reason it helps writting it all down. Kinda makes me take and honest look at whats going on. I think I see things a little clearer when I put them in writing. Helps get that stuff out of my head.

Maybe I'll go get some coffee and read some of the sagas or something. I like them...but damned if there isn;t a reason they call them SAGAS...:hehehe:

[Malcolm]

They were talking about resentments the other night. I guess it never occured to me that I resent things that I fear. I hide my fear behind anger. Its easier for me to handle anger. Guess I'd be the guy in the angry mob with a pitch fork as opposed to the guy cowering in fear in his home behind a locked door. That doesn't really make a difference though. The fear is still there. People are just wired differently I guess. I think most times I mistake my anger as a sign that nothing scares me, that I have courage or bravery or some other notion of nobility. I suppose thats more productive than cowering in fear but it doesn't make me any less afraid of things. For once I can say that and not feel like it makes me a weak person. Thats one of my problems. I never ever want to appear weak, EVER. I'm getting better about it. Still is easier for me to hide behind anger and hold back the tears...thanks Mike.

I've been thinking about the Vanir alot lately. I think it mostly stems from the work I do around my house trying to make itmore of a home that a house. I try to honor the wights as often as possible bit probably not as much as I should. I just constantly feel like my gifts aren't good enough. More and More lately I think its the thought that really counts. Like your gifts should be on par with what you can manage and they know that. I think the only way you can really offend them with a gift is to give less than you are able. Even then I'm not sure they would be offended. I think they just want to be remembered and don't really care how.

[Malcolm]

It was good to here from her. I'm glad shes doing alright. For now thats enough for me. I know its messed up but I'm proud of her. I like seeing people stand strong. I admire that she refuses to quit trying. Like a good Taurean. Maybe we don't have anything together like I may want, but for teh first time in awhile I can say "But atleast she might have a future with someone, and honest to the gods...I had a hand in that."

I think I understand wyrd a little better now. Its been an amazing day all things considered.

Hail Sunna! Hail the Aesir! Hail the Vanir!

[Malcolm]

So it begins. I am home again.

[Malcolm]

Its interesting, or has been rather. These past few days away from work and, well everything I suppose, has been very refreshing. Every decsion affords me the luxury of more choices and every conclusions gifts more questions. If ever I worried that things may have become stagnant I can't find the reasons now.

I sat and made a list the other day of all the things I wanted, or thought perhaps I should have. It wasn't a long list maybe a page full in a steno-book...I was surprised by how practical the items were. Mostly hand tools for work around the house, some new furnishings for the house and some clothes that fit....did I ever mention that? The 40+ pounds I've lost over the course of the past year? It makes for an awkward wardrobe thats for sure. None of my clothes really fit anymore. I mention this because a new wardrobe turned up on the list...not far from the top as it urns out. I remember my first thought was "What kind of clothes? What kind of new clothes would I want?" Then it struck me that even in the absence of properly fitting clothes, my clothes were not exactly on par with todays trends. Then I thought maybe that makes me materialistic, why should I want to be "trendy" and all manner of old ways of thinking surfaced...just like that. Ina snap. All because of a stupid list and a healthier approach to life. I felt like if I lifted my shirt there would be a label printed on my chest that said....

"Instant anit-establishment: Just add ambition."

What exactly is wrong with wanting clothes that fit and are current? Obviously I don't need to spend a fortune on clothes but still...why did it provoke that reaction? I had to think and wonder what the root cause of it was...and I think I found it.

WE were POOR when I was a kid. I never really had the nicest things. Had what was needed, to be sure...I never went without Ma saw to that, but I never had the 'newest air-jordans' or any of the other things children wore as a simbol of status in the mid to late eighties...Starter Jackets anyone? So it would seem I convinced myself very early on and VERY thouroghly that I didn't need that and people that did were shallow and useless...and wait for it, my favorite word...weak. My judgement that people who exuateded self worth with outward materialistic expression were worthless, and I hated them. I'm realizing lately how much anger I hold inside and how it shapes my world or used to anyway.

It seems I am so afraid that things will leave that I can not even let myself get attached to something as simple as a suit of clothes.

Recovering from the decisions of a child that were buried and ingrained in my sub-concious simply to avoid feeling 'different' or 'looked down upon' whether that was real or imagined I can't say anymore. Suffice to say I am still wired, fundamentally, at that level and only now....twenty some odd years later sorting through the decisions and questioning their validity.

There are so many things in my head right now that I can't sort them all. So many beginings and so many endings all trying to share the same space. Its dizzying at times. Its freightening and awe inspiring...and I hope it never ends. This is the place I live, this is the place I feel at home...becoming. What ever that may be or mean.

[Malcolm]

Recently a friend tried to 'set me up' with this girl. As ide fromt he fact that I hate it when people do that, it got me thinking about some things. The nature of a relationship and what I would hope to get out of one...that kind of thing. For awhile now I've been looking to settle down, not actively persuing it by any means. I'm not out there wife shopping or anything stupid like that. I just kind of felt like it was the next step. Get my life back together and settle down.

I'm thinking now that I don't want to. Settle I mean. I was with my ex from age eighteen till I was twenty five. Before that I had a string of relationships...I've never really been single before. The last three years hardly count as I wasn't really in my right mind...even then there were a few mixed in here and there.

My point is. I just became okay with me. To the point where I actualy like my own company. Why do I want to bring someone else into the situation. Things are going pretty alrgiht for me right now. I can do pretty much what I want. My time is mine and I'm enjoying myself for the most part. I think I would very much like to just hang about for a bt and see what happens.

Besides, being of an 'alternative' (gods I hate that term) religion does kind of put an interesting spin on things.:lol:

[Malcolm]

Resisting the drink was easy. This thought came to mind.

"If I drink that then I am not here anymore and any relationship I have with my daughter will dissapear just as every good thing in my life will be emptied as quickly as any bottle I can get my hands on. No thank you. I know the masters of that road and their price is too high."

Now I find myself in a place of differing counsel and a many sided story. I'm of three minds on how to procede. Mostly I feel a decision doesn't need to be made anytime soon. I just need to keep my eyes and ears open. I have my opinions, and I have theirs...although, mine are based on rumor and hearsay...I don't really know the guy. Hell, I don't really know any of them well when it comes down to it.

I don't really know what I feel for the Jotun, If I feel anything at all. I understand there are Jotun and half-Jotun among the Aesir and Vanir and if they are the ones being honored I don't have a problem with it. I can't understand why anyone would want to honor the more destructive among them.

I realize how this sounds coming from me. I used to champion the more chaotic forces. I also know what it can do to you. I'm not sure if they think it is a game or some kind of novelty but given the people involved I don't think they are naive enough to be lured into something like that.

This much I know. I want no part of it. The question then becomes how far can anything develop before it becomes an issue? Is it even worth forming any kind of relations with those involved even if only a cordial relationship?

And Odin...whats his piece in this? What is his say? How do the two get reconcilled?

Hmm...I need stones tossed.

[Malcolm]

Tasted life? I've never heard it put that way and objected to it before today. Someone refering to a 'hard life'. Tasted life? I'm not so sure about that anymore. Tasted death is more likely. That wasn't a life. To steal a line from a favorite band of mine "I know its not a party if it happens everynight."

I'm not really sure how I feel about that. Does it mean that I've 'turned' a new leaf? Does it even mean anything at all? I can't say.

This place fades turns nothwise, ground upon an icen shade. It seems familiar but I have no memory of it, least wise not the speach of past remembered deeds dancing a fiddles edge twixt my ears. Theres no song of silence come to dance memories cross this furrowed brow. Idis and spae-wise craft spent layer for layer poured from the right eye of that one. Carries a spear y'know. Carries a weight of knowledge striped bare left glinting, shines and sings time upon a lost contenance. Spare me not a blades vigil know only I want not for shattered shields and wrent flesh, a dead mans breath hanging the balance straddle a gauntlet of cloak and shadow gone to dine amongst bone and ash. Tunes sung well from a tabled grasp and this horn spent, many the ways traveled. Many the things gambled in Winds owned by three. Somethings borrowed somethings blue somethings rent a sunder layed ruin against the footsteps faded from left to right. Under a northern sky sprouts that which is. This calm rest in hues of carnality entwined with a primal flux spent centuries times lost waiting. The steps to home follow the briars and thorns amongst calm passages spent them that knows the path. Laid bare among the ruxhes the pulse fades to the rhythim lost and left for that which waits, watching welcoming me home.

[Malcolm]

I just want a family again, thats all. heh, thats all....

[Malcolm]

Its not true. This isn't a slaves peace...and even if it is, the task may not be overcoming it. I'm positive this existence is about tempering the flame, not faning or cooling it. There are things that are in my providence and things that are not. This is the way things are. Not the way I would wish them, true. That changes nothing.

[Malcolm]

So here we are. One year without a drop of whiskey. I don't think on it much anymore. I've lost the obsession to drink myself stupid at a moments notice. I no longer romantisize teh life I thought I was living. I certainly no longer strive to embody the toxic nature I once so dilligently chased. My body no longer swims with toxins, constantly operating half starved and sleep deprived. My days are no longer blended tgether in a haze of apathy. The world no longer functions at arms reach like a distant echo of sanity beconning me home. My feet are firmly planted on roots still taking shape.

A year out and all I have to show for it is potential. Potential. Let me say that again because often times I forget how important that is. Potential. My grandiose schemes may not have come to fruition. I may not be completely where I want to be and often times that kind of depresses me. I'm a hard person, that much is true. I judge harshly, everyone and everything...myself included. I've come to realize that I'll never be enough for myself. In my way I've reconcilled that. My expectations are un-attainable and I know that deep down. Its how I push myself and keep myself moving forward. I can't let myself feel comfortable ever or I run the very real risk of loosing myself to the grips I once followed so blindly. I simply don't have the luxury of becoming comfortable. Not right now anyway.

Friends I've lost along the way. The people I had hoped would be standing here with me are gone now. Addicts know loss. Its what we do. The stony nature of abondoning people to their own plight is something that took me a long time to come to terms with. I remember when I was starting out I had this notion that I was meant to help people and 'save' them from their demons. I believed I could help, I had no idea what I was talking about. I don;t mean that to sound like I don't try...the very real difference and the hardest part of this whole thing is realizing that I can't help anyone that doesn't want it. The have their battle and I can't fight it for them. In fact its best if i don't try. Best I can do is just be there when they need to talk or cry.

Freyr showed me the spark of existence. The indomidable will of survival. The part of life that persists through the darkest hours, weaters the hail stones and is consumed by flame only to be reborn. Freyr's example to me is survival. Survival and a fiercly protective nature. Freyja is showing me how to enjoy the existence I fight for. Simple pleasures are often the most satisfying. Heimdall reminds me to keep my eyes open for danger. From Njord and Skhadi I learned the ability to compromise. Thor has shown me that the quickest and most effective way to solve a problem is to attack its root cause. No fancy tactics or misdirection, find it and kill it. Odin..Odin has simply shown me that I am not and can never be him. I thank him for that. Hella has shown me that there are worse things than death. Frigga, well, I've not met the lady yet...maybe someday.

Loki. Thank you brother. I'm still not, and may never be, sure of your motives but it would be folly not to acknowledge how instrumental you've been in my return home. If anyone could've show me the way through the hedge I know only you could have shown me the path through the bramble and thorn. If I was released, thank you. If I was 'rescued', thank you.

All the gods, the Disir, the alfar, wights and vaetter. This is my home now.

[Malcolm]

I had that dream once. I remember now. The man standing cliff side above the waves. Sword tip piercing earth, bloodied hands folded atop the pommel. Ice blue eyes peering from beneath tangled wind swept locks the color of chaffe. He always looks as if he waits for something or someone. His is a face read dead pan. No emotion showing, visibly anyway. He exudes a calmness an un-earthly steady demeanor. The look of a wild thing ready to pounce or greet with open arms. Who is this man? My gut tells me he's an ancestor but what is he trying to tell or ask me. There are no signs in the dream of a battle. He doesn't look weary from the sword dance. He is completely spotless, rather well dressed actually, save his hands and tangled locks. The blade shines bright, not smeared with gore. The shield on his back doesn't look marred by spear or arrow. Course I've never really gotten a look at it either. Is he my watcher? I thought the were usually of the opposite sex.

Heh, even in the realm of wyrd I can't get chicks. Thats just awesome. :lol:

[Malcolm]

I could use a nudge. What am I missing Heimdall? Is there something I am not seeing?

[Malcolm]

Gotcha. I think I see it now. I am taking it too seriously, maybe...I don't know. Ah, crap I'm just gonna break down and say it.

I have no clue what to do now. No idea where I want to go from here. There are so many options...so many paths all leading to free. Where do I start? I know I don't want to do what I had always done. I don't want to play a hero, I want to be one. I don't want to play life I want to have one. I don't want to see art. I want to create it. I don't want to see happiness...I want to grab it by the throat and devour it...take it into me and let it blend with what I am. I still see Freyr reflected in ever brilliant shade of green leaf and th muted brown hues of tree trunks, see his face in the tangle of vines feel his breath on the wind. He won;t let me forget I am alive now and I appreciate his company...no, thats wrong, I love his pressence.

The saxons called him Ing or Yngvi...Ing. I like that

livING, dyING, fightING, lovING, fuckING, breathING, sleepING, wakING, killING, savING, liftING...ING. He is life, in all its forms. The spark that tells you that you are alive and that you are dying. Just as everything else.

I'm glad they drop by from time to time. More over...I'm glad its not the same ones. I've always kind of 'attached' myself to one god in the past. I've tried not to do that for awhile now. I have to admit I do love their visits. Sure I have my favorites but they're all welcome and I do enjoy all of their company.

I have to admit though. I think I've met them all save one. Odin. I wonder why that is. He does intimidat me that much is true and I've said it before. Is that why he hasn't come around yet? Because I am intimidated by him. I wonder if that makes me seem weak to him...and If I really mind honestly. I don't think poorly of him. Quite the opposite actually. I admire him and respect his prowess...I just don't really feel I can learn much from him. I know that runs conterpoint to everything known about him. I mean, shit, Odin knows all manner of things. Yet I have this pull toward the runes...the runes HE gave us.

I just doesn't seem right to learn the Runes without forming some kind of relationship with him. I'd like to say that I won't take them up without his blessing but thats a lie. I will. Its not right to say to a god "I'll wait x amount of days, then..." because thats an ultimatum. You don't do that to a god. I suppose thats really all I can do, wait a bit and if nothing...then nothing. Take them up.

I'm not much for games anymore, or tactical manuevering. I much prefer Thors straight forward mannerism. I love that guy. Thor is hard for me to explain but I do like him very much. Whats not to like actually.

Njord, or as I sometimes refer to him, Papa Njord. I don't know why but when I think of him I smile. I'm always reminded of the two rings I've lost in Tablerock Lake. The first was a ring I wore for a long time I gave to an acquaintance. The lake took that ring from his finger while swimming. The second I wore. It was laso removed from finger while I got back on a boat. I literally watched it slowly slide from my finger into the water. I remember thinking, "Guess he liked that ring too." and got a very definate thought of "yep". I was strangely comfortable with it and still am. If the rings had been dear to me I don't think he would've claimed them. I liked them don;t get me wrong but they weren't "special" to me in any way. The second had waves around the band.

I've only recently felt the pressence of Heimdall, whom I also admire very much. I think he is probably the most laid back of them all..but not in an unattentive way. Just very calm.

So, what exactly was the point of this...I'm having trouble remembering now. Eh, probably wasn't that important. Maybe just kind of a "stock" of what I have right now.

[Malcolm]

What i just did was either very brave or very stupid. AA is a crutch, I have to see if I can stand without it. If not I'l go back. I have to know if I can do this on my own or that thought will always come to haunt me.

Coward...I can't stand that thought. I can't stand not being tested. I HAVE to know. I'm sorry, its my nature. Its been a year...over a year actually. I'm more self aware now than I ever was before. I'm so much more connected now than I ever have been. The time is now.

I'm not testing you. I'm testing me.

[Malcolm]

Well, I had fun anyway. Guess I might have hurt someones feelings. That kinda sucks...in so many ways.

[Malcolm]

I guess you know a measure of yourself when your level of comfort is enough to set you on edge. I have to say I'm relatively pleased with the way things are working out lately. There are a few snags here and there but nothing so horrible as to make me feel I'm on the wrong path. Quite the opposite really.

It just seems times like these are the times I get blind-sided. So, where is it going to come from this time?? :lol:

[Malcolm]

Hello pretty, are you my next catastrophy? I'm not even sure that girl is real. What? Of course I'm smitten, why wouldn't I be...I'm stupid like that. Oh, I know...that guy with her was her boyfriend. She's probably too young anyway. Best I just try and forget.

[Malcolm]

Thank you for dropping by last night. You're right of course. I enjoyed the time you spent here and our 'talk'.

I'll never be complete. I will always be in conflict with something. My life will never 'stabilize' and I'll never be done wandering. I have an appetitive nature. I'll never be satisfied with anything no matter how perfect it may seem. The most beutiful things will become ugly in time. Familiarity will lead to resentment and comfort will lead to listless nights and uncertain days. Which is fine.

I've been hungry so long, I don't think I would know any other way.

Farmatyr, how long did you wander? How many places did you see? Were you weary as I am? Are you really content now? Was the meade worth it?

[Malcolm]

I guess there comes a time when you become discontent describing yourself in past tense..."I used to..." Which begs the question, what am I now? For some reasons I feel different now. I don't really feel that I should be anything other than what I am. Thats a strange feeling for me. I always wondered if what I wanted would be enough...and I guess maybe it is for now. Thats the key. I have what I want right now, and the potential to get whatever else it is I decide I want.

I sat out trying to figure exactly what it is I want. Took stock of what I had and came to the conclusion that those wants were ghosts. Remnants of a past full of longing. Residual emotions not really tied to any real need. I've been thumbing through all these old songs I used to love and used to feed my emotional state...I couldn't listen to most of them for awhile without slipping back into that "Whats the point, poor me" mentality. Now I come away with something very different. Each and every one of them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DKXGpMGY_o
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-bOTRMfDcs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqJeWhtpVek
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCg3EgMXmqs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gA_rH9EYWVc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoSRNce9_MY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cf6k4yJyv0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TiIgADk2EJc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_09wFxoaeQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFq2YJKYa-k
http://www.youtube.com/w