Quiet places

[Azure]

*On a slightly overcast, spring afternoon, Azure, carrying a basket and wearing her favorite green kirtle and nothing else, walks barefoot across the new grass with its patina of baby violets and dandelions, through a clearing in the trees to a spot that overlooks the clear, deep green river. She is trailed by a large gray cat and a medium sized black one with white feet.

In the clearing, a small fire pit is bare, but just above the rocks that fall to the river is a small altar of stone and wood, where there is evidence of old offerings left. The black and white cat jumps up there immediately, as Azure kneels reverantly before it. The gray cat settles next to her.

Azure takes a bottle from her basket, and pours rich smelling deep red wine over the the flat top, which runs across the stone, seeping into the cracks, and soaking into the rock. Some of it spills down into the grass.*

"Brid and Lugh, Gods of my ancestors, I here honor you. Powers that be, Spirits of Places, Heroes of Old, I honor you. Athena, who has guarded me since childhood, so too do I honor you.
Accept these offerings in thanks for all you have done, and yet shall do, as symbol of my delight in your blessings."

*She takes a round loaf from her basket, and spreads it with salt and oil, then breaks it to pieces, scattering it about.*

"Gods, I ask you feed my heart and soul as this bread might feed the body. Lead me where I need, teach me the lessons I must learn. I ask you for wit and wisdom and artistry."

*she removes several freshly cut roses, not the sort from a shop, but from her own plants, the first of the year, and lays them across the altar.*

"Gods, I ask you protect and soothe the one who has won my heart. Athena, as he is also yours, I beg you guard him and guide him, and bring us safe and well joyously to each other soon. Let us strive to overcome our fears, and to be truly worthy of each other."

*She takes out a small, sturdy white candle, sets it on the altar, and lights it*

"Gods I ask for healing of my father and mother, both in body and mind. For the best aid and solace you may give my grandfather. let all be well.
So too, do I ask your blessings on the heads of my friends and family, that they too may be solaced where there is need."

*She finally takes out a small vial of perfume, opens it, and scatter it around the altar and trees.*

"I give this gift to the memory of my friend Lenore. A year and a half, and we are still all the worse without her."

*Azure sits on the grass, pours herself a goblet of wine, and watches the candle burn while she pets the cats.*

[Azure]

Thank you, Powers All, for my father coming through his surgery just fine this afternoon.

Thank you for the email I got this morning (you know the one, *heavy sigh*), and let's hope he meant it, eh? I'm working very hard on figuring this out, and trusting enough to throw my whole heart into this.

What I'd really like now is a few quiet days where nothing awful happens to anyone I love. It's been awhile for that now.

[Azure]

Thanks for that answer, Powers all.

All weekend I've felt pretty safe and secure. I know there are things already tickling the edges, waiting to challenge me again, but a small reprieve is sometimes needed.

Thank you all for the augeries sent. I will interpret them as best I can.

Thanks for letting me find the perfect white dress, and the Egyptian necklace.

Thanks for the time to read a book in the sun with the dog. The inspiration to make some things, and the encouragement along the way.

Thanks for the things that are happening to change my life utterly, even though they are a little frightening at first.

[Azure]

*Azure tosses herself into the grass in front of the altar, this time followed by a bounding Gordon Setter, she carries a bouquet of freshly picked wild flowers which she has tied with an old piece of ribbon. She lays it across the altar and throws her hands over her face*

Oh Gods! I know you're trying to teach me to be patient and listen to my inner voice, but it sucks!!! I'm really much better at other ways of showing my strength.

[Azure]

* Azure sits back and wipes the traces of tears from her eyes. The big black setter licks her face a couple of times and curls up next to her, encouraging her to scratch his ears*

" And you know, this is the weirdest time I can imagine you've chosen to finally force me to deal with love as something real. Does it always feel this - odd? Why do I feel like I'm going to vomit all the time? I had gotten very good at being commitment free. Seriously. Stop laughing. But I knew, the moment our eyes met, that I was never going to be the same. I didn't believe in that stuff, and had put the imagining of it pretty much behind me - then BAM! Go ahead, laugh, I can hear the whole lot of you from genus locii to Brid herself. Just promise me I get to eventually understand some of it."

[Azure]

I am trying, I really am. And I do hear you. It's just that I can't stand sitting around not having any understanding of the things that are happening. I know I'm not patient by nature, and it's a flaw I need to be rid of. But it's really driving me mad.

*Deep breath*

Help me to achieve my goals. Help me to fix my life.

And last night's dreams and voyages were amazing, but I don't think I quite understand what I'm supposed to do with them yet. OMG, nevermind, I think I just figured something out. . .

Why do you do this to me? I'm used to being the good student ;)

[Azure]

You know, I keep wondering what else can get worse and it always does. . .

The storm has to blow over for awhile, doesn't it? I know there's a reason for all the Inanna symbolism in my life right now, but it's become frustrating enough that I just want to close my eyes and ears and sink down. I'm building walls against the lessons to be learned.
I don't honestly expect it to be easy, but there has to be some point where I can drag myself up from the depths a little bit, doesn't there, before the next wave hits.

Could you please send some healing energy to William after all he went through this week? And a bit more to my mother - she isn't complaining much, but the therapy for her broken shoulder is really hurting her.

Thanks.

[Azure]

*Azure sits on a rock overlooking the river, her big black setter dog curled up next to her, and begins to sing an Elizabethan lyric*

"Be gone, dull care,
I prithee be gone from me.
Be gone dull care,
Thou and I shall never agree.
My friends and I shall dance and sing
So merrily through the day,
For we find it one of the wisest ways
To chase dull care away.

Now too much care
Will turn a young girl gray,
And too much care
Will turn a young man to clay.
My friends and I shall dance and sing
So merrily through the day,
For we find it one of the wisest ways
To chase dull care away."

[Azure]

So today gets marked by bloodshed, a couple of blocks from me. it is not nothing for someone to be shot dead in your vicinity, and others wounded, especially when it is in a place that is usually peaceful - this is not a war zone.

Let he who died so stupidly learn from this life, and not make the same idiotic choices in the next. Heal those who were so badly hurt by his unthinking, violent, dumb act. Let them not be scared in body or mind.

I am learning that no matter what, things can always get scarier or worse, no matter how bad they already seem. All I can think is that in this case, at least no one I know was really involved. But the closeness still struck my psychically.

As for the rest of my life, I still just can't understand what's going on. I beg your aid in that one. I still feel as though I'm being pressed to death - literally, as the stress is doing dreadful things to my asthma. I know, of course, that there are lessons to be learned here, and I'm not supposed to understand them easily - but does everything really have to hurt? And can't any of it make sense?

(And whatever's up with that one aspect of it, take care of him, eh? I am seriously worried)

[Azure]

Powers all, I ask that you watch over us as we travel, guide us and protect us, and bring us safely home again.

Let this be a time of joy and celebration, and let the all too prevalent dark clouds break. Let me return to wonder and joy when it is over.

[Azure]

Azure, wearing her black linen kirtle, which is a bit too loose these days, wanders out onto the Carolina beach, just as the sun has set. There are few stars visible yet. The tide is coming in, and there is a light breeze. In the distance behind her, the lightening from a storm inland can be seen. Azure walks barefoot across the sand to the edge of the water, so that the waves can lap her feet and soak the hem of her dress. There are flowers held in her hand, which she tosses out into the ocean in offering. The odd rose petal laps at her feet afterward.

Powers all who guard and guide me; Brid and Lugh; Rosmerta; Athene, hear me! Ancestors, hear me! Here in the limnal space between land and sea, I call to you.

I give thanks for the safe journey and safe return you have given me this time, and all of mine. I hope soon you will carry me further, to the place where my love dwells longing to welcome me. (Well, I hope he longs to welcome me!)

I stand before you with a quandary for which I need an answer. My grandfather continues to deteriorate. He says he longs for death, now that my grandmother has passed, and he is 92. My mother and her sister are loathe to give him up and fight against it. My uncle neglects him. My sister and I don't want to lose him, but we want what is best. I pray you to help the whole family make the right and best decisions, and that if this is the time for his passing that approaches, I ask you make it quick, painless, and easy for him. I never thought I would ask for his death - but it seems crueler to make him live now, especially after the injuries of this week, if he doesn't want to. Don't let my stupid uncle and ugly family squabbles influence any of it - bring what is best for him, whatever it may be. I can't ask for death or life here, only what will make things well in the end.

I beg you to send aid to my cousin - she is so wonderful, and the MS is so clearly winning, in spite of her amazing, valiant heart.

Bring relief and escape to my love from the things that torment him. Let me soothe him if it is possible. Bring us both the changes we need in our lives. Inspire us, enchant us. Let us be together if it is meant to be.

Okay - purely selfish note, but I have got to have an acting job that pays!!! I'm losing my mind and I need money. Please help the right opportunity to find me or vice versa. (Ditto for him, in his own career field). And let it be something that aids, rather than inhibits, the other things in my life.

Thank you for the time with my family, for the beauty of Charleston, and the time spent with so many who I missed.

I ask your blessing, and am alight with my devotion.

[Azure]

Brid, I know you're close today, because all my textile magic is working overtime. Thanks for letting me find the old star quilt from the 30s or 40s at that estate sale this morning, and the 1940s clothing sketches. I'm sure they are themselves an omen of something. A star and specifically 1941, the era of the only hint at a past life I can maybe remember, is there something "karmic" going on right now?

There are so many questions about where my life is going in my head right now. Help me to make sense of some of it soon, and to make it right and make some things happen.

[Azure]

Okay, things are once again in flux. I knew it was too much to expect calm.

Please let my family situation simmer down, at least for my grandfather's sake. He's going to die soon anyway, let it not be alone and miserable just because of the nasty behavior of my stupid, selfish, money-grubbing uncle. Frankly, I think my uncle deserves a great big cosmic "thwack" every time he is deliberately mean to his sisters. And if my mother and her sister aren't willing to act, please let them let the rest of us do something - those of us who understand that the connections are already damaged beyond repair.

Could you spare some energy for Jenny this week? She just found out that on top of her Lyme Disease, she has mono, and she's exausted and her body is worn out.

For my own situations, can you improve the communications in my life? I feel left in the dark about so much, and it's hard to make decisions about what I'm going to do. I feel trapped and stagnant, and I know you're providing me with some opportunities, but I don't have enough information to know I'm making a good decision here. Help!

[Azure]

No, no, no. There are even more pieces missing now. I really need some help here - this is not the moment to throw me out of the nest to watch me fly.

[Azure]

*Returning, in her long green kirtle, Azure leaves a bouquet of roses on the stone altar. She opens a bottle of wine she has with her, and spills it over the altar.

Smiling slightly, for the first time in a week, she clips one lock of long blonde hair, and leaves it too, before wandering off*

Okay, I think I can make at least that part work. Thanks for holding me up after you pushed :)

[Azure]

*Under the light of the very nearly full moon, Azure lights several oil lamps around the altar, with colored globes, so they spill different colored light around. From her basket, she takes out a loaf of fresh baked bread, and a dish of freshly cooked beef bones, spilling their juices, and leaves them at the base of the altar. She places a stoneware saucer there also, into which she pours a mixture of cream and honey.

Pausing a moment, and focusing her thoughts, she clears away the wilted flowers, tossing their drying petals round and about the wood and stone.

She then brings out several posies and lays them on the altar separately. The first is orange-pink roses, with hyacinths and branches of jasmine, springs of rosemary, and vanilla orchids among them. These are tied with scarlet ribbons.

She lays out a second, this of violets and bluebells, tiny red wild roses, lily of the valley, and small delicate flowers, surrounding two perfect white rose buds. This is a prayer for Honor and Phoenix, to bring them together again soon.

The third is a collection of brilliantly dyed blue ostrich plumes and peacock feathers, tied with white linen and wrapped around a piece of parchment. This is for Melysande.

She leaves a shining collection of small sunflowers and pink zinnias for her sister.

Finally, she takes out a bunch of freshly cut herbs - basil, mint, thyme, rosemary, yarrow, and purple sage flowers, and leaves them in the center of everything.

The scents in the evening air are heady and overwhelming, both sweet and savory. Smiling, Azure projects her thanks to all the powers that guide her, and blows out the lights, leaving the scents on the breeze and the light of the moon to mark her gifts. Butterflies and the first of the spring fireflies are drawing near as she walks away.*

[Azure]

Lugh, master at arms, Shining One of the Long Arm! Master of Words. Guardian. Hear me now.

Give my mother and her sister whatever wherewithal, whatever battle strength, they need to confront my uncle and end this vicious stalemate before it costs my grandfather his life. he will die, but let it not be amid this dreadful, stupid pettiness my uncle seems intent on!

Athene, you have watched me since childhood, when I dwelt in your city. Your aid too, I beg and beseech - both of wisdom and battle strategy.

this has to end.

[Azure]

Powers all, I think you for that which has become. I know I'm standing in the eye of the storm today, and yesterday, and if the pattern holds, will be tomorrow. Let me relax enough to get the restlessness out of me, and truly rest before the next round.

Let me find the time and money to spend some time with my guy very soon. (Remember, you started this, so. . . *laughs*). And let me provide him with some of the joy and succor he needs so badly right now.

Let me manage to get my acting career back on track, in spite of it all, and let me not have to even think about choosing between him and it, huh? that's scaring me lots lately, as for the first time in my life there seem to be two things I can't live happily without.

Let my family and friends, and me, be healthy for awhile.

Let me find this - to quote Jenn - frelling source book! so I can get back to work on my own book.

Let Honor and Nallia find the car they need in the next couple of days.

It all sounds so simple, doesn't it? I offer my humble thanks to you.

[Azure]

Please, Powers all, take Jake into your realms gentle, and let him run with the hounds of legend. He is surely worthy.

I really don't understand, with all that's happened of late, why it had to be compounded by the taking of my friend. He was the loviest dog I've ever met, and one of the only bright spots in my father's life lately, as he's battled cancer and everything else.

If the best are taken early, then this is an example.

I hope his predessor, who we had for so long, his uncle Jeb, is there to greet him in the realms of Annwn, and run with him through the fields, perhpas blythely chasing the birds of Rhiannon, as a good setter would want to do, even when this life is over.

[Azure]

*Azure wanders up to the altar, in her long black skirt and a black cotton tank top. If one looks carefully behind her, one might glimpse a fleeting sight of two black and red setters who fade in and out of the shadows noiselessly, as ghosts do.*

Powers all, I hope that there is good in store for me in the future.

I miss Jake awfully, but I appreciate the dreams you've sent, and I trust my late Grandfather to keep all my animals. When the right new puppy comes along, I am also sure you will send him my way.

Thanks for finally letting me know there's a guy out there who really cares about me, who also happens to be smart, funny, kind, and all the other things I could want (and let's not forget adorable).

What I really seriously need help with right now is the career and money thing. It seems all screwed up. I'm grateful I had a good week, so the car repair thing didn't hurt me, but still that money could have been a plane ticket. . .

What I could really use right now is a few commercials, so I could actually pad my bank account. And then some good offers from LA.

*Azure drops a heaping handful of coins, silver, nickel, copper into the river*

Accept this gift, Powers All, and return it to me in kind. I need money right now.

*Azure drinks deeply from the chalice of beer sitting on the altar, then spills the remains over the rocks at it's base. *

[Azure]

* Azure walks up to her altar, carrying a basket, and trailed by her two shadow friends, whose tails wag gleefully. Smiling, she sits at the base of the altar, and uncovers the basket, revealing a stock of fabric scraps and threads, beads, embroidery frame, and all sorts of goodies. She first pulls out a couple of tennis balls, and tosses them off for Jake and Jeb, then removes a bottle of wine, and fills two goblets, one of which she places on the altar. She takes out her silver shears, and begins cutting and arranging pieces of brilliantly colored fabric neatly and quickly. Arranging them, she begins to sew. Once and awhile, she adds in a bead or a charm. Or she reaches out, and places a piece of the natural world into the weave of fabric, where it becomes part of the whole. She appliques carefully cut images over one another. Anyone looking over her shoulder would see a colorful and rich tapestry, layering color and texture into a picture that seems to combine images from the tarot - the Sun, the Star, the World, the Lovers, the Magician, the Priestess, and images from classical mythology. There is red silk, and golden brown velvet, and shiny royal blue satin. There is rough wool, and cloth of gold and silver. Glass beads and turquiose and carnelian, and Egyptian faience. The border of the whole thing is a Greek key pattern, in black and palest silver. *

I'm weaving a dream for Midsummer's. Powers that be, let this spell work. It's a gift for someone pretty special.

*singing to herself, Azure puts the finishing touches on her tapestry*

[Azure]

Brid and Lugh, you who are patrons of artistry and craft, lend your wit and wisdom, and passion and creativity.

All my friends and I seem trapped - unable to find the impetus to do the things that make us what we are.

I beg you now, give us the chance to work at what we love, the passion to fulfill it, the creative challenge, and the many rewards implicit there. And let this not be contrary to, but in wonderful sync with, the other well loved parts of our lives. We should not have to chose between the most important things.

For Jemira, for Stu, for George and me. For Laura, for Joy, for Rob. For Robin and Brian. For Derek, and Lydia and Blaine. For Katy and Jenn and Nallia (guessing they need a little oomph too).

There are so many of us left with the feeling of stagnantion - of being trapped. We crave your aid. Restore our vigor, inspire us, and give us opportunity. Let us live artists' lives, and let our lives be art.

And for those of us that need it, let there be healing energy, rest, and gentle recovery.

[Azure]

Don't do this to me, just - don't.

Don't let everyone see a happy relationship in my future, including me, and then offer up Rob when You know my heart is already pretty much given to another.

Rob is very nice, but I don't love him, I'm not going to ever, and it's unfair to both of us.

If I can't have the man I want, I'm not going to ruin someone else in the process.

I really hope I can have the relationship I want, you know I'd really begun to let myself actually believe he cares about me. Please don't play games with my heart any more. . .

[Azure]

*lays a postcard of the Rockies and some pine boughs on the altar and lights a lavender candle*

Lugh, Brid, I ask your aid for my friend Melysande. She wants to move soon - let nothing stand in her way - let her spread her wings at long last. Let her parents, if not willing to understand, at least accept. Give her hope and energy, and get her out there before the year is out.

*lights a pale red candle, and sets out a sprig of rosemary*

Let Honor and Phoenix take joy in their knowledge of each other, their love, and their memories, and let their time apart be brief. Let the days fly by until they hold each other again.

*lights a deep wine~rose colored candle, and a branch of dark red hibiscus*
And for the one to whom I give my heart, in far away California. May his head clear, may his pain diminish, and may he truly believe my heart is his if he wants it. May his life be brilliant, may the moon, the sun, and the stars shine on him. And let me come to stand at his side as they do.

[Azure]

Lugh, Sun god that you are, please let the weather cool and co-operate, so my puppy can fly out this week. I can't wait to meet his furry little self!

Thanks!

[Azure]

*laughs delightedly*

Remember when I asked for a sign?

It didn't have to be an Acme™ cartoon anvil, but I'm pretty happy about it being one.

[Azure]

*lights a candle for Kaylara, and sends good energy her way. Also sends out a prayer for Myst, knowing she too still hurts.*

PTB, give me the strength to get things right - and help the pieces of my world to fall into place.

*lifts her hand, clad in a leather glove, up in the air to allow a red tailed hawk to land on it.*

Hi sweetie. You know the message to take.

*Watches as he casts himself out into the blue twilight.*

[Azure]

*Azure sits quietly, still humming "Jack in the Green"*

Thank you all for Jack. He is the sweetest puppy I've ever met.

Thank you Jake and Jeb - I know both of you had a hand in his coming here. I promise to take good care of your little cousin. For his part, he is obviously aware both of you were here before him - and it seems to make it a happier place for him.

Thanks Gramps. *winks* You were right.

[Azure]

*lights a white candle and lets it burn*

PTB, bless and protect Kim this time, and let she and Matt have the child they want. She's so excited - please let everything go well.

Let this interview go well for G. and if it's the right thing for him right now, then let it happen. *smiles* I know we've talked about this.

Let L. have the sense to at least look at me in the audition on Sunday, and not precast Brandy. I like Brandy just fine, but she can't do what I can do. I just need the chance to prove that. And I really want to work with L again. I like her.

[Azure]

It went really well, I think. Please let me have proven myself.

And thanks again for G. He brings so much light and laughter and joy to my life. Let me return at least some part of that.

[Azure]

Thank you, Lugh, and Aine your divine mother, and Brid, for the kick in the butt today. It being Lughnasa, I guess you've decided to get me to celebrate properly - and since many observe it on the 8th, I can't really miss the significance there, now can I? So you will have your dance, and call the tune, all at once - and I will dance it. And I hope that is a true promise of happiness for me and a certain young man?

Please let me get everything properly in order, and travel safely. Let him travel safely as well. And let next week be more magical and wondrous than either of us could have imagined.

The irony of how you're getting your way just astounds me;)

Now if you'd just lend us both a helping hand financially so that the next few pieces of this puzzle can fit into place.

[Azure]

*lights a pale golden/white candle*

Protect my loved one as he travels, so he can be there waiting for me.

[Azure]

*lights a pure white candle, made of beeswax*

Please, Sulis, you of the healing waters, and guardians all, hear me. Let there be nothing wrong with my health - especially nothing expensive wrong with me. Let this whole mess be straightened out first thing on Monday. I can't believe the doctor would order tests without consulting me, and then not tell me for weeks if there was something wrong - and just let me find out from a bill for the tests. But that's the way it looks. It's just all wrong.

It's not only that I can't afford this monetarily, but that physically and emotionally I can't take this in my life right now. It will push me right over the edge with all the rest I've been through this year.

Please let this all just be a stupid mistake that I can work out on Monday.

Take away all the fear and all the hurt, I pray you.

[Azure]

*lights a white pillar candle, and two smaller blue ones on either side, then leaves a chalice of wine on the altar*

Thank you, that I am perfectly healthy after all! You have no idea what a relief that is.

Please let me get everything I need to get done done in the next two days, and let the rest of the week be magical. Don't let me freak out or sabotage myself. Just let me be me.

Protect my friends as they travel, and bring us all home safely.

Thank you for granting Honor and Nallia the things they need to make it through this move. Let it all go smoothly and easily for them. Let them find the perfect house for three.

Let Mely's move go smoothly too. Let her parents realize the error of their ways, and understand that she has to spread her wings - that children are only lent, not given as possessions.

Let my whole family travel safely this week - my parents to Maine, my sister to Florida, and me to PA. It's odd that we're all facing the past and creating the future the exact same weekend, nut I'm sure that's for a reason.

I know I'm about to step back into the Forest of Arden, and that everyone comes out of it changed. Let this be a good fairy tale, please ;)

[Azure]

*lights a single rose and gold candle on the altar, and lays a branch of laurel leaves, an olive branch, two white and two pink roses on the altar*

Thank you. For everything. Now just let everything continue to work itself out for both of us, and let us together again soon.

Thank you for all the friends I thought I'd lost.

Thank you for the knowledge that those who hurt me now acknowledge their wronging of me publically.

And thank you again, for someone who's heart is worthy. He is in every way, the knight that every witch-girl in the woods wants to call to her. I will miss the sound his breathing as he sleeps tonight, and the feel of his arms around me. Let it be normal in my life - and the other joys besides, very soon.

[Azure]

Many thanks this morning, Powers All.

For Nancy's visit this weekend.

For the girls getting their terrific house.

For PB's promotion.

For my dad's check up going well this morning.

For dreams of a brighter future, and a very full, if longing, heart.

[Azure]

If I haven't said enough thanks for G. being in my life, let me add to them now.

Now, Athene and Poseidon, who watch over him, and Brid and Lugh, my guides, I ask you to help him to find the path he needs to be on, and to make the light a little clearer.

That I am some light in his life is a good thing, but I can't be all of it - love is a great piece, but not the whole. Right now we both need a little shove along the road - let us aid each other, and let us find the things that will feed our souls.

[Azure]

Thank you for getting me through this weekend with my sanity still in tact, if only barely.

Now help me to start putting pieces together and makie all the things I need and the things and people I love, come together and work out.

[Azure]

I left the fairies and genus locii some oreos this morning. . .

*places a bunch of roses, in many colors, on the altar*
Because I can't say thank you enough, even if I've had to walk through fire and confront the worst of my life a lot his week.

*lights a pink candle, and sprinkles violet leaf, rose petal, and bits of orchid and hybiscus around it*
Okay, Powers that Be, here's a request for you, sleeves rolled up, ready to go to work.

Melysande deserves a decent guy in her life. So all I'm asking is that when she's ready, send her one that is worthy of her and who will make her happy. To quote Lawrence Olivier, she needs a little romance. And she doesn't deserve someone who's as blind as that last one. She deserves someone who can recognize how terrific she is and appreciate her for it. And who she can care about and enjoy spending time with, and kiss till she can't breathe right anymore.

So start looking, I ask you. . .

With thanks and respect,
Azure.

[Azure]

*Azure, wearing a loden green wool dress, and attended by her menagerie of pets, approaches the altar, and with reverence leaves bread, oil and salt there. She pours two goblets of wine, and leaves one on the altar and takes one for herself to drink*

Great ones, let Honor travel safely to meet Phoenix, and may they take much joy in each other. Grant them solace from all the storms of life during this time. Let them have a moment outside ordinary time, that they may focus on none but each other.

Let Mely get all she needs done, and let this move go smoothly for her. There is so much potential for the future calling to her - let her begin to realize it.

Keep my father and his friends safe on their motorcycle trip.

Let Laura and Greg have a chance to get together and start to figure things out some time soon.

Take care of my love. Let the whole job/money/life situation begin to straighten itself out for both of us, so that we can be together again soon. Each day, each conversation, each writing makes it harder not to really be in his presence. This is an amazing gift, having him in my life.

Let the barbs of those who would gossip and hurt us turn back and harm no one.

[Azure]

*through tears*
If this is what I think, thank you. I am humbled. I never thought that I could be turned to ash, only to be reborn as something more brilliant. Teach me the steps to this dance, I pray you, and let me dance it as Pavlova might - with grace, wit, elegance, beauty and humility.

[Azure]

You've given me all these talents - isn't it time I got to really put them to use?

And for the best gift you've given me, he who still wins my heart in a new way every day - well, just let us work this all out and be together soon.

[Azure]

Please let Mely and Nallia travel safely home from the east.

Let Wanderer's pain ease gently, and let the grief help her to heal if that is possible. Send your blessings to her grandmother, Arawn and Rhiannon, that she may safely pass from this world to the Otherworld when she is ready.

Let me and my love actually make and save enough money to be where we want and do what we want, together, by February.

Let the people who have claimed to be our friends, yet fought against us, be calmed and more accepting. Even though neither of us is with who they think we should be with, we are likely to be pretty happy together. But a hush to the gossips and naysayers already would be a gift.

Give me luck with Sunday's audition, and at least let me impress the hell out of everyone.

[Azure]

Arawn, Rhiannon, Gwyn under the hill, guide Honor's (Wanderer, by another name that seems more familiar to me and appropriate at this moment) grandmother safely from this world to the Otherworld - let the passage be gentle, and let her loved ones know that she is safe in the arms of the Gods.

Powers all, pour down your blessings upon Honor herself - let her grief be an agent of healing, let her know that all her friends are here for her.

Let her family be brought closer by this sadness - and let them be there for wach other as they are needed. Let their love for one another, and the lasting love Grandmother had for them, give them true solace.

*lights a white candle, ringed with rosemary and bay*

Give them that remain the strength they need to shoulder this, the repose they need to recover, the knowledge of the affection that remains for them in spirit even when the body is gone, soothe then and comfort them in this time.

[Azure]

I, of course, have no clue how to thank you for all of this, I am so amazingly happy.

However, at the moment, if this is going to work out, we both could really use money - if there's any way. It seems to crass to be asking the Powers that Be for money, especially now - but there it is.

You've never failed me when I needed you before, so I in all humbleness ask you help. There are so very many ways money could come to both of us, please let some of those start to work out.

And good jobs out there suited to me, especially acting jobs, coming my way wouldn't be a bad thing. Even stuff here temporarily.

And let us work it all out with the rest of our friends out there too - the ones who have been needlessly hurtful - let us be done with all the stupidity, and out in the open, and everyone agreeable. . .

Many thanks.

[Azure]

I'm sure the distance serves a purpose, and I know I wouldn't hav had the chance to feel this way, and to know him this well, under the circumstances if we'd done this any other way - but it's starting to suck. The money thing is keeping me in constant stress and misery - I don't know when I'll be able to move, and it bothers my parents so much I don't know if I can actually live with him, at least at first - which only stupidly adds the stress of needing even more money.

Please let the necessary opportunities arise for both of us right now. I know I'm sort of asking the world, but the alternative - not being there, is so much worse than I can even imagine.

[Azure]

I'm not even sure where to begin right now, there's so much going on.

Please let my aunt and her father in law both recover from the surgery they had yesterday with little difficulty.

Please help Tish and the others who were so horribly harassed and threatened by the park rangers during their handfasting Saturday get both satisfaction and legal recourse - and stop this sort of behavior from being repeated.

Please don't let a group of greedy political morons and their pet pundits succeed in misleading this country yet again.

Please let me travel safely to CA and back again, and let everything go the way my love and I need it to.

[Azure]

Is it morally wrong to also ask you to help me find the right, really kick ass high heeled boots, in a price I can afford, before I go to CA???

(And please let his friends like me ).

[Azure]

Dispel, Powers the Be, all the cruelty and stupidity that seems to be thriving in the world right now. Stop those who mean to do so much ill because of ego and greed and meanness. Lead us to a better world, not a worse one.

The whole money thing is making me crazy still - I'm working my a$$ off here, and it still isn't bringing in enough for me to even think about moving, and I feel honestly like my life is a waste, since I'm not doing anything at all but being sick and bringing people beer. So much education, and all the talents you've given me, and it sickens me that I can't use any of it.

My love hates his job, and his talents too are being wasted. Please let a really good job, which he would like doing, and which would actually pay him well and keep him where he wants to be manifest itself very soon. I can't stand that he's so unhappy, and I'm afraid he will give up on so many of his dreams out of sheer frustration after all that's gone on this year.

Please let things get better, for both of us, and for the world as a whole.

[Azure]

I don't understand why something can't just go right.

There is no earthly reason for me not to have gotten this part, and I need the money desperately right now. And if I lost it by not being pretty enough, that's just sick, you know that? This time, it absolutely should be me (again) and it still seems like it's not going to be.

And Susan can't afford a new car, and having the guy total hers this morning creates so many hardships on that family I can't count them, especially with her Mom back in the hospital unexpectedly. Please, please, please let everything work out alright for them, and everyone end up safe and healthy.

Can't there be some time where things go right and everyone around me is safe, and okay, and gets some of the thingsthey need?

[Azure]

Urgh. So now I know who he cast and I'm even sicker - why give me the abilities though, if you don't want me to use them? It's a waste. And other gifts as well - just being wasted (okay, you did give me a really cool man who actually takes pleasure in looking at me, which in many ways is more special than being ogled by strangers from a stage or in bars all the time). I just need to get out of here. If you don't want me to come back from CA you're doing a good job of pushing me that way. . .

Thank you for my love. Without him, I would just be in despair. let me be worthy of him in every way, and please don't let my misery right now drag him down - he has worries enough of his own.

While we're at it, so many of my friends around here seem to have stuff weighing heavily on them. Send some good energy in the direction of Wanderer, Arzhela, PB, Jenn and the others, huh?

*lights several brilliant gold and silver candles, surrounding them with branches of rowan to dispel in luck and ill feeling, then pours a glass of deep red wine and leaves it on the altar for the gods with a loaf of fresh bread, a dish of oil and a small bowl of salt*

If I can't leave things literally since I haven't been to the store, I can at least leave virtual gifts

*leaves a few oreos for the fairies at the base of the altar*

[Azure]

Okay, so he's decided to quit the awful job, but he can't really deal with that financially. Please, if ever you grant one of my pleas, let it be now! Please let him find a job close by where he is that suits him both financially and mentally/emotionally. I am so worried, and otherwise, he may end up moving somewhere else, and we may never get to work our lives out. And he's so unhappy. Please, please, give him the incentive to go on in CA and the job that lets him do it.

Soon, I beseech you.

[Azure]

Powers that Be, guide me well, watch over me, and let me travel safely on my journey. Let this be a time of wonder, and the moment where everything right begins to happen for us.

[Azure]

*Azure offers bread, oil and salt at the altar, and pours a goblet of wine to place there. She then takes the same for herself, and sits to eat and drink in communion with the Powers that Be. It's a nice relaxing moment, in spite of the subject matter*

So much to say, and so much of it is repetitive, but I need help.

Thanks for the safe trip, and the chance to truly know what it felt like to be happy again. Now I just need to be there permenently! Please help me with it all - the job, the right place to live, the chance to be a real actor. And sooner is better.

My beloved is really worried about the whole job thing now - please, please help him find something that will pay him well and that he will enjoy doing - soon! Guide him in the right direction, I ask you. And if the right thing is still a month or two off, let him find something suitable and reasonable to tide him, encourage him, and pay the bills in the meanwhile.

I ask you for the magic to bring the two of us together and let us begin living our dreams. We don't need the world under our feet quite yet - but the necessities would be a very nice start right now.

[Azure]

You know, I know my Dad is basically a good guy, but the political lies are out of hand again. As is the hypocrisy. Is there any chance of a wake up call for him anytime in the immediate future? It's made him a most unpleasant person again, and it makes it impossible for me to spend any time with him.

[Azure]

*Wearing a gown of cherry red raw silk over a kirtle of white linen, her long pale hair falling over her shoulders, Azure goes to the altar and rests before it for a moment, reflecting on all that has happened in the past two weeks.

With quiet deliberation, she takes a rose red candle and places it on the altar, then showers it with gold and silver pixie dust. Around it, she scatters rose petals, violets, and lily blossoms.

She sets a chalice of pale green gold wine, marked with condensation from it's coldness to one side of the candle, and to the other she places a folded piece of burgundy silk. On this silk she lays two locks of hair twisted together, one short and the black of oak ash, and one golden blonde and long.

Before the whole of it, she places a dish with fresh crusted bread, still warm to the touch, and smaller dishes of coarse salt, olive oil, and dark honey. She spills the fruits of the season into a basket before the altar - apples and pomegranates, grapes and pears.*

Powers that be, Powers that watch over my love and me, I ask your blessing upon us now.
Let our separation be brief, let our reunion be joyous, let our lives together be worthy of the best and most beautiful fairy tale.
Help us together to change our world into a vision more befitting our dreams.
Advise us, guide us, and bless us.
Let the next feast I lay before you also be one shared by my love and me in your presence, and let that too be our gift to you in return for your beneficence.

*Azure lights the candle, breaks off a bit of bread, dips it in oil, then salt, and eats it. She takes a small sip of the wine, then cuts a pomegranate*

I have offered him the apple and he accepted, now this is the fruit for us - for I would rather be in the underworld with him than in a garden without him.

Symbols of Paradise lost, both - for us let them become symbols of paradise found, and made anew.

*She eats a few seeds, then spills a few next to the locks of hair*

Bless us and the love we have for one another.

[Azure]

*Sets a second pink-red candle on the altar, and laughs as she lights it*

You know, it occurs to me that I should be sending out the same prayers for PB and Wanderer as for G and myself. We're all in the same straits.

May we be with the one we love, may our financial situations work themselves out, may we have the opportunities to use our talents well, and do the things (and people) we love most.

And all live happily ever after - but not without adventure and passion and celebration and all the things that make life gorgeous and rich.

How's that, oh Powers that Be???

[Azure]

I know that I sometimes sound like a broken record, but even so, can't it all start to really work out? It would be so nice if G and I could be in the same place and doing things that are satisfying. I know I'm asking for the moon and the stars here, but I'm so very tired of everything being frustrating and horrible, and it doesn't seem to be for any purpose. I would rather we were in CA, but if you have something that's genuinely better, that doesn't trap us somewhere awful, I'm all for trying it. We're both worried so much about money, and I have got to have an acting job or two, or I'll go insane.

Meanwhile, just let him know how much I love him - I never know if he realizes it.

On to other things, could you lend a hand to Florence - she could so use some attention and some financial help. I wish I could visit her and some of my older relatives before too long. And I'd love to be able to introduce them to G.

Please just let things go well. It's so rare that they do.

[Azure]

Powers that Be, surely there has to be a cool job somewhere in the LA area for him, one that actually pays decently. He's soooo frustrated. Please give him a hand here. I know he has something okay to hold him over, but I think that's just a little more frustration. After all that he's been through this year, surely something has to work out in his favor.

In the end, just let everything work out for both of us. ('Cause we all know I'm bored and frustrated too. . .). Together, obviously. (Meaning I'm hoping there's something for me as well. . .).

I am just worried about him, and as much as I try not to let him see that, sometimes there's no avoiding it.

Lend us a bit of magic, I ask you.

[Azure]

Okay, Powers that Be, we just need to have a little talk about how much everything is sucking. It's beyond ridiculous, and it would be comic were it not tragic.

I'm not sure what we're supposed to take away from abject misery. I am not sure anyone's learning anything except to sink further into fragile, hurt shells that isolate us and let us hurt more. Do we all have to have every inch of our being tormented and tortured? Give up all that we love? It seems senseless.

Firstly, what's with the car accidents? Mine admittedly could have been worse, but it was an ugly shock when I needed it least. And none of us can afford it.

And G is sinking deeper into his personal hell because of the job thing - which is just wrong, and his pride is wounded so I'm being left out and I can't stand this. How can you just let someone so bright and talented, and for heaven's sake desirous of doing be left so frustrated? And would you really let it destroy everything he has with me? Or is it just because, heaven forfend, I was happy for the first real time in my life? I feel like he's being punished for being associated with me or something.

And I am tired of all my time at the theatre being new lessons in humiliation. I am aware that Charles doesn't like me because he is threatened by me, but this is unreasonable. And once again, I don't see why you gave me this talent if you weren't going to let me use it. It's just another method of torture to make me sit through mediocre performance after mediocre performance of the actresses cast instead of me. What purpose does it possibly serve?

Okay, now we roll up the sleeves and get ugly - what's going on with Honor is just damned wrong. I don't see the point of brow beating a smart, capable young woman to the point of misery, exhaustion, and self abnegation. It's hard enough that she is kept apart from the man she loves, why must the rest of her life be a lesson in torment as well?

And things aren't all that much more wonderful for Mely and Nallia either, and they certainly don't deserve it.

So where does it end? I'd really like to know. Why do we need to be broken like a child's abused toys?

At some point, I thought it was supposed to get better. I am not Patient Griselda. No one is. And the whole point of that story is that no one should have to endure that sort of nonsense.

[Azure]

By rights he should be getting here right now, and we should be going out. Instead, I don't even know if I'm going to get to talk to him tonight.

Just take care of him. Can you do that much?

[Azure]

Okay, I really do appreciate that.

But you're sending him to MADAGASCAR for weeks? I hope he has email there. . . and he still wants me around when he gets back.

[Azure]

What's really the point of the constant lessons in humiliation?

I know Charles hates me for an unknown reason, but that it has to be rubbed in, and that there isn't a single actor with the courage to stick up for me - that I don't get. And no one in this town seems to want to see me work, which doesn't make any sense at all. . . And all these people that I'm nothing but nice to, that I do everything for.

I am trying to save money and want to move, and I don't understand why everything seems to be faling apart there too.

And I'm in love for the first time in my life, and now I don't know if that's going to work either.

Every morning now, I wake up almost fearful of how I'm going to be further crushed today.

[Azure]

Can things please ease up on the sucking so much?

Obviously for me and G, but while we're at it for my many friends who's lives are just awful and frustrating right now.

Is wonderful and happy just not a set of earthly conditions that exist right now?

[Azure]

Okay, you know me. Thank you dropping wonderful designer clothes in my lap for almost nothing - my vain fashion icon side is appeased. Sometimes, little frivolous things help when you feel lousy.

*lights an orange and gold candle*
This is for G. - please continue to help him. And help me to be with him soon.

*sets down a bundle of flowers and herbs*
And this is just because I love him.

[Azure]

I'm getting really tired, and I'm not even sure what I'm fighting for anymore. The way things are now, I feel like I don't even have a life left. I just exist. What's the point of that.

[Azure]

*sits on the grass, wrapped up in her black woolen cloak and just opens her mouth and yells until the screaming dissolves into tears, then sits and wraps herself into a small ball and lets the tears fall*

Can't something nice happen? Is that so unreasonable?

[Azure]

*through tears*

Why does the response always seem to be to take the last few hopes I have away? To remind me of just how unworthy I am of everything? I don't understand how I can possibly be that awful.

[Azure]

Thank you. And thank you.

Now if we can just get everything to go right in our lives for awhile. . .

[Azure]

*Azure, wearing her red gown with the blue and green spirals, and her green kirtle with the cream patterning, approaches the altar reverently. She leaves several offerings, first a chalice of chilled white wine, then a bowl of autumn pomegranates and apples. She then pulls another small bowl, filled with Oreo cookies for the genus loci and fairies who love them from her basket, and sets it over to the side, where they can get to it easily.

She reverently lights a white candle for protection, an orange one for success, and a rose and gold one, with rose petals and rose hips decoratively embedded in it for love.

She pulls a deck of tarot cards from her sleeve, and on a silk cloth on the altar, lays a pattern of cards. Topmost is the Chariot, and below it - all cards laid so they touch those next to them, just above, and just below - are the Sun and the Star, beneath that, three across, are the Queen of Wands, the Lovers, and the Knight of Wands, all resting on one base which is Strength.

Azure offers the cup at the altar, then takes a deep drink, then pours a bit into the altar itself.

Kneeling before the it, and brushing back her long gold hair, she centers and speaks from her heart.*

Powers that Be, you have sent my love G. across the sea to lands of great beauty and danger. I beg you to bring him back to my arms safe and well, and full of joy. Let him travel safely, let him have adventures, and let him remember as he goes that I am here and love him well.

I ask your help in letting our lives work themselves out - let us be together permenantly soon, let us manage to have employment that makes us happy and supports us, let us live our lives in love and joy, in grace and beauty, in wit and wisdom, in curiosity and exploration.

Though there is distance between us, let us find some way of communicating, and let separation make us stronger and better in ourselves and in our passion for each other.

I ask you watch over us both, guide us, and let our lives be wondrous, joyful, and together.

*Azure bows deeply, and then sits, mediating and contemplating the universe.*

[Azure]

*Azure replaces the burned out candles with fresh ones, and leaves fresh flowers on the altar*

Watch over and protect my love, G. and bring him safely home to me. (I hope he's having fun in Paris today).

*Azure lights a green candle for healing on the altar*
This is for my cousins Loy and Judy. It's not really right that he now has Lou Gerig's Disease, since she's dying of MS. It makes me wonder - the diseases are so similar.
Their love and devotion is an inspiration to me. Please help them.

[Azure]

Here I am again. Seems like I'm here a lot lately, now doesn't it?

I just want my life to work itself out. I'm tired of the constant awfulness, you know? Sooner or later, something has to go right. I wish I could be more secure, but I just can't seem to be. this year has certainly beaten me down in so many ways, and where it hasn't, my own past has contributed to make me apparently unable to trust anyone or anything.

What I'm hoping is that G. will get back safely from Africa and be sort of revitalized, and he and I can move closer to having the relationship he's talked about and I've thought about. But I'm scared the reality will be that in this time he'll suddenly decide that the thing he really doesn't need is me. And I can't make myself believe that anything else will happen, no matter how hard I try. Which in turn makes me afraid that that put out in the universe will result in it manifesting itself. . . So it's a vicious cycle.

And the whole theatre thing is really out of control. How long do I have to put up with this petty, stupid bullshit??? Why am I being punished for actually knowing what I'm doing?

Okay, I know the solution is to leave here and go to LA or NY, but I don't know what G. is going to do - which leaves it up in the air - or whether he wants me to be a part of it or not.

And my birthday is a week from tomorrow, my whole family is going out of town, G. is in bloody Madagascar, and all my friends have to work or something - so it gets to slip by the wayside completely. Not that I particularly want to celebrate, but having nothing at all pretty much sucks.

And what I'm expecting for my birthday anyway is just more of the same frustration and humiliation.

I don't get it.

[Azure]

I am so past the point of no return with everything here. Please, please just let things start working themselves out so I can be in LA (or NY, as I guess permenant decisions haven't been made) with G. and start some things over again - including my currently stagnant acting career. I have already managed the metaphoric leap, I might as well do it for real now. If you'll just show me the way a little. And let things work out for both of us.

Meanwhile, please continue to send good energy and healing in the direction of Loy and Judy.

Take care of my Dad, while he's off skiing in Colorado this week (I'm sooooo jealous, but maybe he'll lighten up and have fun, so he needs this time).

Watch over Amy and her family while they go through all this awfulness, and let her grandfather pass safely and gently into the Otherworld.

Take care of G. and bring him safely back to me.

Oh, and thanks for the amazing present finds on eBay, and the ability to manage them financially.

[Azure]

Powers That Be, let the journey between this world and the Otherworld be a gracious and gentle one for my uncle Harold, who died this afternoon of lung cancer. Grant solace to his family, especially to the four of his siblings that survive him, my aunts Pauline, Florence and Annie Belle, and my uncle Ray.

Let him meet the seven who went before him, and other beloved family, now in the Otherworld.

*lights eight white candles, for her grandmother and her siblings who have passed beyond, and four blue ones for those that yet remain*

It's always harder for those left behind, I suppose.

*adds a silent thought, as always, asking the PTB to watch over G. and bring him back safely to her soon*

[Azure]

What a week this has been for lung cancer. Why on earth do people smoke like chimneys, and why do cigarette companies deliberately pour toxins into an already toxic product?

*lights a white candle*
In memory of my friend John's mother, who passed away from lung cancer this morning. John doesn't have much family, so this is a massive blow. Powers that be, please grant him solace and strength at this time.

*lights a second candle*
In memory again of my uncle Harold, and for blessings upon my family at this time of grief.

*lights a blue candle*
For all my family travelling this week, let them be safe.

*lights a violet candle*
Protect and guard my love G. and bring him safely back to my arms. I just feel I need to say it over and over, since I won't know if he's safe til he's back.

[Azure]

This is getting to be quite the week.

*lights another white candle, after refreshing the earlier ones*
In loving memory of David McCarroll, 1943-2002, father of my friend and former roommate Sarah. Send healing energy to her and her family.

*lights another*
In memory of Craig Taggart's father, who I only met once, and who passed away a few days ago.

All my friends are losing parents, I've lost an uncle. What a week this has been. Please, please, let it get better for all of us.

[Azure]

*Azure wears a simple black kirtle with a silver belt, and is wrapped in a huge burgundy wool shawl. The weather has changed, and it is snowing slightly, and the dogs cavort in it around her. The river below the hill is a deep dark green. Deer may be glimpsed through the trees, as may the odd hunting fox.*

Powers that Be, thanks for getting me through another year. Now I need your help in making the changes you've been pushing me towards for several months now.

Before this year is out, I ask that things change greatly in my life. I want to be much more successful in my acting career, and not have to worry about local theatre in Nashville. I hope that real opportunities will manifest and I will have the wherewithal to follow them. - Might as well reach for the stars as the top of a hill, right?
I want G. and I to be in the same place, and be able to spend all the time we want together. I love him, and this distance is driving both of us a little crazy. And I want success for him as much as for me. I believe in balance. Even if today is my birthday and it's all about me.
I'd like to be really healthy, allergies and asthma under control. That's always good.
I want to get to use my other talents besides acting - like costuming and clothing design - in extraordinary ways.

I've been hibernating for more than a year now, and I think I'm ready for the life less ordinary. . .

*starts to sing under her breath from an old song called "Thomas the Rhymer" . . .
Do you see yon bonny, bonny road that lies across the ferny brae? That is the road to fair Elfland, where you and I this night mun gae."

[Azure]

*Azure takes a cut crystal goblet with an elaborately carved bowl, and places a small heart shaped, un faceted garnet in the bottom. She then fills the cup with pale golden wine, and sets it on the altar. She lights a white candle, and leaves a waxy, pale pink stargazer lily at it's base.*

PTB, let my love travel safely back to me.

G. I long for your return.

[Azure]

*bows reverently, and offers up a smile*

Thank you for getting him safely home.

[Azure]

Thanks for all the gifts this year - I feel almost guilty - but I got all the material things I could imagine.

I hope that the blessings I get will include less tangible things as well - I want more than anything to be together and happy with G. instead of miles away. He's the most amazing person - and it's just awful not to be with him.

And I want to have a chance to do what I love.

*Azure drapes the altar with pine boughs and pine cones for the new year that approaches. She lights a white candle for thanks, a rose red one for her love, and a green one for healing. Then she lights a larger silver and gold candle*

Help my friends and family now too, PTB. Let them find all that they long for in the new year.

Let Wanderer and Mely find great new jobs.

Let Linda heal and find real love when she's ready.

Let my grandfather live in comfort and ease.

Let the world be a better and brighter place, and let me help make it so.

[Azure]

*Azure, in her long simple rust red woolen gown with a white kirtle underneath, tracks through the snow in her sturdy leather boots. She is wrapped in a long green wool cloak. Arriving at her altar, she spreads a dry piece of wool cloth over a fallen log in front of it, and sits - watched as she does by foxes and magpies, rabbits and squirrels, crows and jays. Deer are visible through the trees, an owl's voice is heard, and variouso ther creatures scurry about. Yet for the moment, no predator leaps, and all is peaceful under the setting sun. Azure relaxes and breathes deeply - anyone in the immediate area might glimpse or feel a sphere of pale gold light expanding about the whole area. It seems safer and warmer than it has. Azure pulls a bottle of sparkling wine from her basket, and also one of fizzy water. She fills a basin at the base of the altar with the water, then a deep chalice on the altar with the champagne.

Powers that Be, I thank you for bringing us all through another year. I hope that the signs are true and that much good is coming. I pray this will be a year when truth and hope and kindness will prevail in all our lives.

I ask good health for family and friends, and healing for those who are ill.

I ask for good opportunity and success in my pursuit of acting, and for success and opportunity for my love as well in his field.

I ask that we get to be together and happy, and that the joys we have this year do much to erase the pain of the last.

Let this year be one of brilliance and adventure for us together.

I ask you to bless my friends here, both old and new - Melysande, Wanderer, PB, Mithrea, Saphra, Puma, Lyntwyn, Arzhela, Earthcup and all the rest - there are too many to type out the names (and that is itself a blessing). help them too to realize their goals and their dreams.

For all of us, let this be the beginning of an amazing and brilliant new cycle. Heaven knows, I'm bored out of my mind right now. I know that I need to focus on earning money, but the boredom level is a major frustration. I know you haven't given me all these gifts for them to sit useless, so if you could speed up the opportunity process, especially in Los Angeles instead of here, that would make the world a much better place.
I feel selfish, but I think that one of the lessons I need to learn is that wanting to succeed in my goals isn't selfish, (unless I deliberately stomp on others to do it - and we know I don't). There is finally a little light at the end of the tunnel, but not enough to see by.

*Azure takes another breath, and sits contemplating what is to come. A fox pushes her way forward, and nudges Azures hand, waiting to be scratched on the ears. A raven perches on the altar and watches her carefully for a moment. Then he turns his head, still fixing her with one black eye and looks away to the west, where the sun is setting. The sky is glowing violet and rose, aqua and gold, and the moon is rising.*

[Azure]

I know I need it, but I so can't afford to have my wisdom teeth taken out right now. Any help along here would sooooo be appreciated. I don't want to have my chance of moving postponed by something this incredibly stupid.

[Azure]

*lights a white candle*

I can't believe I'm syaing this, but thanks for Lynda's misdiagnosis - you know what I mean. . . It's just such a relief to know that what she has actually isn't serious by comparason, and now she knows there's a future in her new fledgling relationship (for which I played Emma, admittedly, but it worked).

[Azure]

Some necessary thanks,

For my health, and all the other gifts you've given me.
For my wonderful, gorgeous boyfriend.
For my cousin Maddie's 2nd birthday.
For safety in the midst of a storm, and for this gorgeous unexpected storm.
For my really cool new Tarot deck.
For Linda coming to visit next weekend.
For my new sports watch I got for Christmas - finally a watch my body chemistry doesn't stop.
For the Titans ('nough said).
For those wacky, but now ever-present faeries.

Sometimes, you need to take note of the good stuff to balance out the bad.

[Azure]

*The setting blurs and changes now, and we are no long outdoors, but in a vast bedroom in what appears to be an old Venetian palazzo. The ceilings are high and painted, and there is a glass dome in the center, as there might be in a theatre of two or three centuries ago. The walls are painted in a pale golden red, and there are large picture windows to the south as this is a second story, overlooking the city, letting in the fragile winter sunlight. A fire burns brightly in the carved marble fireplace, and gargoyles look out across the room.

In the center of the north wall is a large carved wooden bed, draped in bedding of deep dark red and white. There are gilt framed mirrors and picture hung on the wall, and antique wooden tables and dressers. On the east wall by the bed are the carved wooden French doors to wide closets. After these is a door that leads to the bath, and opposite it on the west wall is the door to the rest of the apartment.
The room has stone floors, on which are thrown antique red and blue Persian carpets.

Under the windows, one finds a window seat to the west, cushioned deeply, and a writing desk to the east, with built in book shelves on that end of the east wall. Just before these, set on a carpet, are several over stuffed chairs and a delicate coffee table, on which are a huge arrangement of winter roses. Wyckett the cat lounges in one chair. If one looks carefully, Rosie is sprawled on the bed, and Emmy is on the window sill.

This is a room from Azure's dream last night, no doubt the influence of her Casanova tarot, but this was the place she and her love lived in that dream otherworld.

She looks around it with satisfaction, and adds a few touches from her conscious mind. A small altar and shrine appears by the fireplace, on the opposite side from the wood box. On this altar, she lights several small votive candles in safe glass containers. A white one is lit first, to bless the space where she is meant to be for awhile. Second is lit a pale pink-rose candle, since this place is symbolic of love in its way. Azure places a miniature portrait, painted by faery hands, of herself and her love in the Jane Austen era style, on the altar as a reminder of that, along with a pink rose.
A blue candle is lit, for Freyja's wedding and her continued good fortune.
A candle of red, blue, and white is lit for the Titans - wishing them luck and strength.*

I would be so nice to be in this space for real, though I may never be able to afford one quite like it. I'm sure the vision meant something, so I'm going to keep the space for awhile. Who knows when he and I will actualy have something that is ours together - which I promise to make beautiful as I can, even if it isn't a palazzo.

Powers that Be, I ask your blessing on me and mine. Let goals become realities. Let dreams and wishes manifest. LEt this be a brave new world for a brave new year.

[Azure]

*Azure, wrapped up in her shawl, adds a log to the fire. She then goes to the altar, and leaves a fresh glass of wine and lights a rose colored candle. She breathes a silent prayer, then moves over to the bed, curls up among it's many cushions, picks up her book, reads, and waits.*

[Azure]

*Azure enters her sanctuary, exhausted and slightly ill. She casts aside her heavy garments, and pulls on a favorite tunic of worn black cotton, decorated with intricate trim. She wraps herself in a huge cobalt blue wool shawl, and goes to the altar.

In spite of her exhaustion, Azure offers candles and prayers. She lights a green and blue candle of healing for her ill friend Lunacie, and asks the powers that be to bless her an restore her strength.

She lights a white candle, and quietly asks that the things blocking her from her dreams and goals be removed and broken down.

She lights a rose and gold candle, dipped lightly in blue glitter, for joy between her beloved G. and herself.

She lights another white candle, and prays for the safety and happiness of her friends who are currently in need.*

Drained, she moves to the bed, wraps up in her quilts, and goes to sleep.

[Azure]

*Azure goes to the window and presses her nose against its cold glass, panes that are centuries old, some stained in brilliant color by processes long lost. She can see the night sky outside, and from this window there is a large courtyard garden visible below. After star gazing for a moment, she returns to her altar, and lights a green candle for the continued recovery of her friend Lunacie*

Powers that Be, watch over my friend. Bring her back health and strength and good fortune.

*She silently sends out energy in the direction of Lunacie, then rises, and lights a white candle for the happiness of her own relationship with her love, and prays to be with him in CA soon.*

I still am not getting this patience thing - I suppose I don't get things to work out until I settle up with that particular virtue? I don't like that. But I suppose I will accept what I have to for it all to work out, and G and I to betogether and happy.

[Azure]

Bleah! I feel perfectly awful tonight. I really don't need to come down with a cold on top of whatever virus I have that's given me the pink spots. And I'd like to point out to the Fashion Deities among the powers that be that pink never really was my color.

Apparently the weekend took more out of me than I thought. And I'm hating that reality.

I can't believe the whole nonsense between Linda and Drew. I don't think he was meaning to lead her on, but he did and very much hurt her feelings. Meanwhile, I wish she'd stop blaming herself - there's nothing she could do, really. But they do get an award for just foolish behavior. Help them both, Powers that Be, to deal and move on like grown ups.

Thanks for letting me make so many new friends this weekend, though. It's kind of cool to finally have a few girl friends close by.

[Azure]

*Azure enters the room, still clad in the bikini and sarong from the C&T luau party. She grabs a large warm shawl from the end of the bed and wraps it around herself, then moves swiftly over to the altar by the fireplace*

Thanks for the unexpected little photo op today. It's really cool knowing I'm going to be in the magazine and in the book. Now if only that would translate into something bigger and better that paid! I am dying for real acting roles, or even print ads and modelling that pay right now. There has to be something out there looking for me to do it, that I'd like. It stands to reason, if this can happen out of the blue today, now doesn't it?

I know I'd have more if I were in LA, but I need the money to be there - or at least an invitation of sorts. . .

*Azure lifts up a small silken pouch, opens it's drawstrings, and from it removes several small figures of the alien Stitch from the Disney movie. She places several of them on the altar, and twines her hibiscus and orchid leis around them. She knows the Powers that Be understand the motivation behind this, and that's all that matters*

[Azure]

*Early in the morning, now wearing sensible yoga pants and a black tank top, Azure sits in a deep chair by the window, a basket of ribbons, colored wool yarn, leather strips, feathers and glass beads beside her. Exhausted from the night before, she is weaving a dream catcher.*

Powers that Be, no more nights like last night, and I beg you, let none of the bad dreams come to pass. I could use solace after that. I am miserable this morning, as though the Dementors of Azkaban spent the night on my pillow.

[Azure]

I still feel like I'm just trapped in a dark funk, and that there are a million barriers holding me back from the things I love and need the most. Money is still not what it needs to be, but it's getting better. For my love as well as me, I guess, but I wish honestly that it seemed like we were getting closer to being together. it's just making me crazy. If I knew how to fix it right now I would, but I don't.

*Azure hangs her dream catcher, which is so elaborate it looks more like a woven piece of fabric than a web, on th post of the bed, then goes over to the altar. There she lights both a black and a white candle. The black to tear down the barriers that have grown up between herself and her dreams and goals, and the white to aid her and light the path to them. She then lights a peachy-pink one, for the success of both herself and her love, in hopes that that will help them be togther sooner.*

[Azure]

*Azure sits at her altar, looking mildly peeved.*

Okay, let's talk about my sister and her relationships instead of me and mine. Are we genetically stupid or something? Good heavens.
Laura needs to find a way to be with Greg and they both need to stop playing these silly games before someone gets hurt! And right now, since Greg's off in Seattle pretending he's over her, but acting like he's still in love, the person hurt is her back up boyfriend, Bryan. And that's all wrong. . .

*Azure takes up a deck of tarot cards, and lays the Prince of Wands for Greg and the Princess of Swords for Laura down, with the Ace of Cups and Temperance on top of them*

Powers that be, give them a good dose of common sense about what they want, and let them see each other, talk and be honest.

*Azure lights a pink candle next to the cards, and lets it burn. With a sigh, she picks up a second candle, and places the Prince of Cups and the Princess of Wands on the table, with the two of cups and the Wheel of Fortune over them. It can't hurt, since she wants to spend some time with her love herself*

[Azure]

*Azure sits in her vast white brocaded wing chair, dressed herself in a simple white linen gown, and wrapped in a shawl of fine white merino wool. In a large basket at her feet are a mass of blooming flowers, some wild, some cultured, which she and her love have gathered in the Otherworldly gardens that lie down a flight of stone stairs outside the windows of this room.

Azure takes up blooms and begins to twine them together, humming as she goes, weaving a vast fabric. Here are bluebells, hyacinths, cornflowers and violets. Here are flaming gladiolas and marigolds, and vibrant nastursiums. Creamy roses, and deep red carnations, waxy white lily of the valley. All find their way into the tapestry. Lavender buds, purple coneflowers, pink hollyhocks and silver-white moonflowers. Huge purple-red hybiscus, black-eyed Susans, primroses, pale pink cherry blossoms. Multicolored pansies and cool yellow daffodils. Tulips in half a dozen colors.

When she finally finishes, singing merrily now, Azure has a vast yardage of brilliant fabric. She takes up the shears from her sewing basket, and begins to cut, to make pieces, then she threads a needle with the strands of grape vines and begins to sew the pieces together.

When she is finished, from her brilliant quilt there are now two cloaks, fit for a king and queen. Satisfied, she sets aside her needle and shears.*

Powers that Be, give these cloaks as a gift, to Freyja and Flar, to celebrate their wedding. If they may not wear them in life, then let them wear them with happiness in their visits to the Otherworld. Let the beauty of the garment be an outward sign of the inward joy. Bless them this day, and their lives together.

[Azure]

*Quietly, Azure lights three white candles upon her altar, in memory of the seven lost today, and the other two crews of astronauts that were lost in '86 and '67. For them there are thought of thanks for their brave sacrifice, and a moment of good wishes sent to their families all.*

Powers that Be, thank you today that I know where my friends and family are, and can rest knowing they are safe, when other families and friends are mourning dreadful loss.

Thanks for the little things - the sweet words from my love just now, finding the wonderful collar to make my coat at the estate sale today, and the wonderful rug for my Mom.

Send blessings to Freyja and Flar, and let the true day of their handfasting be a wonderful one.

Let me learn the lessons of patience and temperance you are trying to teach me, and let my life move as it should - forward.

Let the tragedy of today be the last for our country for a long while.

Bless as all, as best possible. Because I know even when it seems like things suck - they can't forever.

[Azure]

Okay, I know I asked to learn the whole patience thing, but did you have to give me a virus that won't let me have the energy to do anything at all???

[Azure]

So, I'm still reflecting on that tarot reading, and it certainly makes sense of a lot, but you're really pushing me here.

I know that Temperance is a virtue I'm supposed to develop, but blind trust is even harder for me. I will try as hard as I can, but you know how bad I am at both - they are totally against my nature. Which, I understand, is probably the point. *sighs*

The problem with both of them is you take away the possibility that obvious signs are going to come my way - or at least, I think so, because that is how it works, doesn't it? Just when I feel like I need them most to reassure me that I'm going in the right direction.

*grumbles a bit* I'm sure it's a lesson I'll learn, but I'm not guaranteeing I'm going to like it. It's like the brussels sprout of spiritual growth.

[Azure]

*lights two green candles*

Powers That Be, please aid my cousin Judy and help her to heal. The doctors can't really put a pin in the bone, since due to the MS there isn't enough bone structure left to do it. Let the bones knit and mend cleanly and quickly, and allow her the least pain.

And for her husband Loy, who is my blood cousin - the Lou Gerig's is just too much on top of all of this. Please, please let the morons in this political administration wise up enough to allow the stem cell research to continue, so that he and thousands of others like him have a glimmer of hope. It's early enough on that good medical research right now could save him.

It's so hard watching all of this - they are such wonderful, kind, thoughtful people, and the irony of both of their lives being eaten away by these diseases is just more than any of us can stand.

[Azure]

I know that I'm paranoid, and even occasionally whiny, but listen to me here - I want you to know, Powers that Be, that I know just how wonderful the guy in my life is. I am way luckier than most people ever get. So my very appropriate thought for Valentines Day is - I love George insanely, completely and totally. And you can tell him that any way you want.

[Azure]

AAaaaahhhhhhh!

Please just get me safely to LA, my boyfriend, and an opportunity to do some things that I like for a change. I can't watch anymore really sucky theatre, I hate having a romance over the telephone when I miss him deperately, and I hate being a waitress with no chance of working as an actor or costumer.

In other thoughts, this Iraq thing is turning my Dad back into the political liar that he was in the 2000 elections. It really drives me crazy - I hate not being able to respect my father, who is otherwise a good guy - but the right wing nonsense he's spouting now is just sickening - because it's all administration propaganda, and there's no discussion of the whole picture, or even accurate facts.
And I can't cope with False News 24/7 - it's so hard not to correct the statements they make out loud - I just have to walk out of the room. Everytime my Dad is in town, it just gets worse. I realize I won't see him again for 2 weeks, but can you just manage some sort of wake up call? He doesn't need to agree with me at all - but he does need to see the truth every now and then, instead of propaganda. I can't respond to lies. And lies they are.

Argh.

[Azure]

I can't believe the world has lost Mr. Rogers. What all all the little kids going to do. The world is so full of nasty, mean people, who are critical and mean-spirited because they aren't smart enough to actually solve problems and it's so much easier to rant than to offer real solutions. Mr. Rogers was the antithesis of that - a guy who taught kids to love and respect and think.

Rest in peace Fred Rogers - you brought enough good to the world for dozens of people. You helped millions of children, for more than 36 years.

The good will NOT be enterred with your bones, to borrow from Antony in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar.

Fred Rogers was proof that kindness can change the world.

**********

Meanwhile, oh Powers that Be, thanks for letting me get all that sewing done this week. And it was good to see the Cooneys, who only remember me as a little kid. It's been almost twenty years. . . It's so strange.

Let the ski trip be safe next week, and please let it work out so I can see George right after that, 'cause I'm going crazy.

I just want my life to work out. I know I'm supposed to be learning patience, but my name is not Griselda. . . and I don't want it to be.

[Azure]

You know, I never, ever imagined that there would be a moment in my life where I was ashamed to be American, and so disgusted with my own country's behavior that I was this angry, but this morning's paper did it. Seeing that our local Rush Liarbaugh equivalents had set up an anti- Europe event yesterday, and the photos of guys just psycho with rage beating the s**t out of a French made car and other things provided for the occasion with a sledge hammer just terrifies me in a way that even 9/11 didn't.

Do they not understand that this is EXACTLY the sort of irrational, obsessive behavior that turned the 9/11 hijackers into terrorists who kill?

How far is it, as such irrational rage is whipped to a frenzy by irresponsible talk-radio morons and right-wing tv pundits with no goal but ratings, to the point where these same yahoos start taking out their rage on other people? Will they start beating up people who look Middle Eastern in the street? Will they attack people for not approving of the Bush administration's behavior?

Does NO ONE see what's happening? Has anyone in this country read a history book?

For the first time I start to understand exactly how bigotry escalates to something larger and uglier, the product of fear, ignorance, and propaganda. And for the very first time in my life, today I am scared.

[Azure]

Powers that Be, let us travel and return safely, let no one get hurt while we're out there, and let my father at least have respect enough for me that he doesn't shove his politics and trashy pundit tv shows down my throat 24/7.

Let this be a fun, stress free week.

Let my love have a great birthday on Saturday and let us be together permenantly soon.

[Azure]

So long since I've written anything here, and so much on my mind, I don't even know where to begin.

Thanks for the past week, I begin to understand that the stagnation is going to change, and that I can do what needs to be done. It's just a little big and scary right now.

You made me an artist in so many ways, it's about to be time to go out and try to really be one.

Meanwhile, let my love have the time to honestly come out and visit the beginning of April. I want him to meet my parents fae to face. That way they won't freak out a month or so later when I proceed to throw my clothes in the car and drive across country. Fortunately, I know my Dad will eventually support this once he meets George. He's said as much. But my Mom will lose it totally even if she adores him.
And let Corrie chill out enough about the two of us being together, and hopefully put up with me as a house guest until I find a job - or let the living situation work itself out. Moving straight in with him would place too much stress in the wrong places - namely, my Mom's continued freaking out.

Hopefully, I can get acting and costuming work quickly. Not that I mind temping or waiting tables, but I am heartily sick of it. But you gave me these gifts for a reason, and I need to use them.

I am willing to hunt down my happily ever after at this point, but some of those pieces need to start fitting into place - the ones I don't have control over.

Meanwhile:
Take care of Amy and Doug, and let their child be born safely.

Watch over my love and keep him safe.

As the world gets dumber and uglier every day it seems, how about letting it have a chance to be better and brighter instead? Open everyone's eyes a little more - let everyone moderate and develop a little perspective, huh?

[Azure]

I don't suppose, given the bleakness of the immediate future that it's possible to reward Hussein for his viciousness and Bush for his arrogance, deliberate ignorance, and hubris without a lot of innocents dying in the process?

Protect my friends like Lokey, who are serving over there - let them come back safely. I hate that there's nothing I can do.

And for once let the idiot politicians suffer for their own stupidity instead of anyone else.
I don't doubt that Hussein needs not to be in power, but I'm afraid the aftermath will be uglier than the present, thanks to politicians in this country more interested in personal glory than protecting any of the people being hurt in the Middle East.

I'm truly frightened, for the first time in my life, about the world my country wants to offer me - or at least, my country's political leaders.

[Azure]

So the AP is reporting that American bugging devices were just found in the French and German suites for the EU summit. Geez, I hope our government isn't really that stupid, but it gives every indication of being so.

Mostly, I'm just tired of the petty meanness here at home. The keying of cars with peace bumper stickers, the personal attacks on anyone who dares speak out against the Bushies - it's sickening. And the brush people who don't like or agree with Bush are being tarred with is a pretty scary thing.

I'm bloody sick of the liars winning. And I just don't understand why they never seem pay for the ill that they do.

[Azure]

*Azure sits in the sun on the spring grass, placing Rowan and apple and elder twigs in position on a bare spot of ground to build a small fire. Once in place, she carefully lights the dried grass tinder beneath the twigs with her matches (what? this the modern world, I have matches). Once the fire takes hold, she begins to arrange larger sticks to create a decent fire. Once it is roaring away, she takes a goblet from her bag, and fills it with cool water from a nearby spring.*

Powers that Be, I am heartily sick of this world. It's bad enough that we have to be at war - and a war ill conceived and ill run at that. But the lies propagated by it are really pushing me to the edge. Cheap politicking makes me want to vomit.

Last night one of the brainless right wing trash talkers on False News gleefully announced that we had killed "between 25,000 and 30,000 Iraqi soldiers" already, and was tremendously proud of that. (And at least 50, and probably more, Americans and British are dead. The same channel has made so many false claims in the past few days, that I have to wonder about the accuracy of their numbers). Why on earth is it acceptable to be thrilled that 25,000 are dead? Why are we cheering that when we ought to be sickened and sorrowed. I guess if from the beginning you didn't consider them human, then it doesn't matter if lives are lost.

I just have failed to understand why the right wingers can't traffic in truth. I've never particularly identified with the far left either, and have no interest in being a socialist or any of that, but why is is that anyone even in the middle is tarred with lies by the far right? And the lies are getting so thick, I feel like I'm drowning in them and I can see the way this country is going and it scares the hell out of me. Facts don't matter, only hate and propaganda.
And people are so easily led.

I think it's right to get rid of Saddam Hussein - but I also think that when the real war needs to be fought, when the fighting's over - the public led by the right wing media and cheap demagogue politicians will miss it totally, just as they did the real issues of the war and it's potential consequences before it started. And then disaster will strike again. I don't just know it, I feel it - I can see it building. Those who don't read and know history are truly doomed to repeat it. And they are going to look around with puzzled faces and say "why did this happen?"

And all I want to do is escape. I want to get out of here so bad. Here being Nashville. I wish I had some notion of my own future right now, but I feel like I'm standing still in the middle of a rushing flood.

[Azure]

Powers that Be, I ask your blessings on baby Ty, born this afternoon at 3:00 into a very troubled and divided world, and blessings to his parents, my friends Amy and Doug.

I ask your help in dealing with my own life as well. I could so use some good and positive energy, and things going my way for a change.

[Azure]

Okay. Quick before I lose my nerve, I think I can actually manage to do this. I'm not sure why everyone is being so supportive all of a sudden, but I'm taking it as a sign that this is the right time to go.

The theory is, I'll be in LA for real by the end of May. I throw some clothes in my car and that's it, and take off. Robin has decided he's coming too, so he will caravan out with me, and there will be another friend for me. Brian might come along for the ride and fly back too, or even my sister.

I'm hoping *looks up hopefully* that Nancy and Ian meant it when they said I could stay with them for awhile until I found a job and a place to live. I don't mind being a house girl in return.

It would freak out way too many people if I was with George already. That will wait. I am too happy about him to risk any unwitting screw ups. I am not going to displace his brother in the house or start the gossip mill running or anything. We can just be a normal dating couple for awhile. Wow, what a weird thought. I have to admit, I really like it. If I haven't said thanks for him in my life recently, you know how much he means to me, and how I feel - my heart says thanks everything I think of him.

I hope there's a friendly costume house that wants to let me work there and also audition and all that and not make my life hell in the process. Hopefully Robin's friend Jason will be a good connection on both the acting and clothing fronts, and more will manifest.

This feels really scary, but it's also just right somehow, and I have to go with it. Please help me to save some extra money in the coming weeks.

I am going to have a hard time without "my" pets. Hopefully once I'm settled Laura will fly out and bring EmmyLou kitty to me, so I won't feel quite so lost.

*Holds onto her hat*

[Azure]

You know I've been inches from losing my mind for days now. I know that I'm making some pretty drastic changes in my life, and I know it's a good thing, but there's that degree of freaking out that follows. I suddenly have all these new irrational but horrifying fears, like what if my boyfriend suddenly decides I'm not good enough for him, and what if my cats pine away when I leave, and what if I totally fail at everything anyhow.

You know what I mean?

Please give me the courage, wisdom, good luck and hopefully the finances to make this move safely. Guide me in the right direction, and please don't let the things I treasure most collapse out from under me this time. Let me look at things and see them as they are and be able to walk through the shifting sands and swamps. Remind me I'm a survivor - and remind me that every now and then it's possible for something in my life to go right, and not fall apart.

I know it's all for the best, but I'm scared to death, and right now I'm not sure that fear is a good thing - I don't want it to hold me back, but to challenge me and set me free.

It's past time for my life to be full of beautiful things that aren't just wishes and dreams.

[Azure]

*sighs*
Where are the stupid bunnies when I need to see them?

I know it's stupid, but I could really use some sign that my life isn't going to fall apart again. I feel like i've failed at everything, and my perceptions are so screwy right now, I have no idea if there's any validity in that at all.

I haven't done a show of any kind in months, I've lost everything to people who suck swamp water, and I've shown every last one ofthem up in auditions. . .

My tarot cards - every damn set - tell me to go buy a friggin' wedding dress, but my bf is so totally involved in work that I have barely talked to him in weeks, and I'm afraid he's just given up hope on me, even though I really will be there in six weeks - May the 28th, to be exact. And if he wins Crown, all I can look forward to is more viciousness and gossip from those around us than has already occurred. And the reality is, I've never felt like this about anyone, and I am going to be completely devasted if anything happens. I've decided I have constant headaches from stress and misery.

My Faerie Oracle gives me the same cards over and over - my much loved Ilbe, the Retriever; Solus; Ecstasis; and G. Hobyah (the card of irrational fear).

Maybe I'm just stressed out, since i'm moving across the country and all sorts of stuff, but I hate the feeling that I'm about to be pushed off a cliff and there's just no chance of catching myself.

[Azure]

*sits and just bangs head against the wall*

[Azure]

I really just don't understand. There are things that go beyond not fair, and this is one of them. I think I agree with Wanderer, I just don't think you are there anymore or if you are you don't give a damn about anyone at all. Otherwise you wouldn't break my heart into tiny fragments of broken glass with a hammer for amusement purposes.

[Azure]

Please let whatever is best happen for my great-aunt Eva. I can't honestly pray that she lives on, for release may be the best thing for her. Please, let her next life be much happier, and let all the unhappy religion that beat her spirit down so much not hurt her any more.

[Azure]

Powers That Be, I ask that you aid all those who were hurt or who lost loved ones or lost homes and businesses and such in this last spate of storms. Tennessee and other states across the South and the Midwest have been so badly damaged. help the land too - the ground is so saturated that trees are falling over, crops are dying and so much of the natural cycle is interupted.

On to other business, I am trying to take my assignments from you seriously. I am still sort of flunking Patience 101, but I think I am beginning to understand the paths you've set me on, and the quests I must fulfill. Not everything on the path is clear though.

I'm trying to do the homework - I'm doing the research and the work with the Fairies - not just the modern versions, but all cultures, all times - things out of my realm of expertise as much as in. It's very interesting, and I think that their energies are starting to sink into my reality. I started with the mermaid energy you showed me, and it helped quite a bit. I guess I need to look more broadly at water powers right now, huh? I keep thinking of the "Through the Fire" story from the Hilda Boswell book when I was little. I will have to find it and reread it.

Just keep pushing me in the right direction, and hopefully I'll learn what I'm supposed to.

[Azure]

I don't know why you keep throwing up all these obstacles at us. I understand that this is a test, but not of the emergency broadcast system or whatever.

I am beginning to understand that my own depression is not a sign that things are going worng between us, but an empathic signal that something is wrong with him. I thought that was only a short lived thing when this all started, but no.

All I can ask is that things right themselves and work out for the best for both of us. I sorta think that's together and the cards seem to agree strongly on that one - but if things could just be calm and good for a bit so we can get our bearings in our everyday lives, it would make it a bit easier.

And if you can just explain clearly how I'm the Fool, the Star and the Empress all at once, it would be soooo much easier for me to understand, instead of making me figure it out on my own :rolleyes:

[Azure]

For the huge number of great aunts I have, I seem to be running through them lots lately. Please send good energy Florence's way, whatever is going to happen with this.

Let me keep sane and get everything I need to get done done, and get safely to Burbank. I'm excited for the new life thing.

Help my love right now, and let everythign work out for both of us - and you know I don't just mean our relationship *sigh* (not that that isn't crucial, but you know. . .)

Please help my pets to understand I'm not abandoning them and still love them. I would take them if I could, and meanwhile, my paretns and sister love them too.

Please give Laura and Greg the push in the right direction they need. Finally things are back to promising - don't let pride spoil anything.

[Azure]

If it will make her happier, please, please let Ses get this new job!

*lights a silver and green candle on the altar*

[Azure]

*Pauses briefly to light a candle for Ses' job hunt this morning, and another for similar success for herself in the near future*

Powers That BE, this is really just a request for more positive enrgy and help for my cousins Loy and Judy - that both should be suffering from such devastating and extreme diseases is just beyond my comprehension. How can a married couple both develop such awful neuro-muscular diseases? It's just bizarre. And now Loy, who's always taken care of Judy, will die before she does, as ALS is quicker than MS.

I'm really having trouble accepting this - these are some of the best people I know. They are the only Christians I know who actually live it - rich people who give away their money in masses and take care of a huge extended family, and are nice to everyone, kind and generous. I mean, there's just something horribly, horribly wrong here. None of us who have to watch it are dealing very well.

Having Jackie and Bill here all weekend just meant catching up on all the details. It just seems stupid and wrong.

[Azure]

*looks up towards the heavens as she places an offering of wine and flowers on the altar*

Powers that Be, help me to travel safely, to find what I'm looking for, and to never forget the things that got me there in the first place. Let this be the best kind of adventure. I'm scared to death, which is probably a sign this is a good thing. Let the drive be safe and sound, as it would suck if something went wrong there.

Take care of my Dad and Mike - it's really sweet that they are following me all the way to NM on their bikes. I hope they have a great ride, and they both clear out some needed cobwebs in the process.

Keep my Mom from freaking out, watch over my love while he waits for me, and give my sister a good kick in the pants about Greg.

Take care of my pets, I won't see them for awhile.

Gods help me, I'm really doing this. . .

[Azure]

All I can say at the moment is what just hit me??????

I never expected all of this - I know that I wanted everything to start over, but did we really have to tear down the whole world and start over again. The past two weeks have been a mini apocalypse. I only figured out it might be okay again yesterday.

Please let stuff build and heal and get better from here on, okay? And please let this thrice cursed bronchitis go the hell away.

[Azure]

Okay, I think I may be able to work with this. And maybe everything did need to explode and start all over again - who knows, it might be something better than it was before. It seems possible. I'm scared to death, but that is probably a good sign.

Please help me to get over this stupid infection or infections or whatever with the help of the Zithromax, and be human again. I need to be healthy to go out and pursue everything.

About my cousin Susan - okay, this family just has way too much tragedy. Please let the biopsy come back negative and everything be okay.

[Azure]

Never rains but it pours. I am so glad Susan's biopsy came back clean, but now there's the matter of my Aunt Anniebelle. I am assuming this stroke is too bad to do anything about, so I only hope that her passing will be a gentle one, and ask your aid for her husband, my uncle Lewis.

[Azure]

So long since I've actually added anything here, even though I've thought it so much.

*Azure leaves a huge bouquet of roses in all sizes, shapes and colors, tied together with deep burgundy silk on the altar. The whole room is filled with the scent of them. She breathes it in, and suddenly rose petals in reds and golds, cram and white, lavender and every shade of pink, wine and coral, deep purple and palest lemon shower down upon her from the open windows as well, swirling about the room, cleansing it and filling it with a sense of hope and joy.*

There's so much G and I need right now. If there's a real chance at the whole happily ever after thing, please lead us in the right direction - the job thing, the creativity, and the whole relationship - all of it. Bring us joy, love, and passion, and magic, and success together.

Meanwhile, thanks just for all that is finally working out - let us build on that, and make it wonderful.

Thanks for my new friends, and opportunities that might just make our lives something new and diffferent and cool.

Thanks for my supportive family. Thanks for my extended family, and distant friends who have been there for me.

Thanks for health that's slowly restoring itself.

Bring magic into my life - into our lives, as G needs a bit himself, and let us never want to look back. Let us have the fairy tale.

[Azure]

the gossip, the pettiness, the bullshit - they all need to stop.

Please give me the gift of graciousness and thoughtful response. Do not letthese morons get to me, and let me not rise to the bait.

I am so tired of nasty people planning my life, and for that matter, my love's life, based on their own petty jealousy. I'm tired of my friends being hurt. And send all the nastiness back whence it came.

Please give me the wherewithal to keep my cool, speak my mind, and not lower myself to their level (unless being sneaky and underhanded is absolutely, positively necessary - you know what I mean).

Let me channel some of Duchess Caroline's tact and reserve, huh?

Otherwise, my life will just be miserable because of stupid people and my love's, and several of my friends.

Jealousy is the ugliest of emotions.

[Azure]

I want to be completely healthy so I can get on with my life.


Arrrgggggghhhhhhhh.

*leaves a bouquet of peonies, roses, jasmine, and all sorts of beautiful fragrant blossoms on the altar. The PTB know why*