Sothis'* Haven

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

OKay, about time I did one of these neat little altars. :)

Today I am posting about a spirt I haven't acknowleged much out of fear I'll be thrown in a nut house.

So I've been thinking alot about my daemon, whose name I won't post. For the longest time I didn't know what to call him...I knew the world daemon from Phillip Pullman's amazing books. It is in essence the soul guide, and sometimes even the perfect lover. In the most unexpected way I meet my daemon, and I was haunted by his presance so throughly it was almost as tho I had a ghost following me around. But it was so much more comforting, I knew I couldn't be crazy as crazy as the whole idea sounded....becuse the things he told me to do helped me. I couldn't help but to notice he despised Eh-Eh-Eh. When I start seeing him in me dreams, I know something has got to change. But I didn't understand who or what this was.

He not only lead me from Eh-Eh-Eh...but to true love, or at least a true friend. When I feel him around I am calm, I start seeing his signs everywhere. But I still had to be half nuts.

Then I got my hands on "The Love Spell" by Phyllis Currot, and I was astonished.... her daemon was astonishingly similar to this kind spirt that had been helping me since 10th grade. He took on the form of someone famous and attractive in her eyes. I learned for the first time that the daemon could be the guide to soul, to enlightenment, to true love. And a daemon, being an astral being could shift forms to whatever was asthetically pleaseing to the seeker. Suddenly it all made sence, this being always took the form of a tall, thin dark haired man, in various outragus degrees of dress, becuse thats what I wanted to see. I suddenly knew I wasn't schitzophrenic, he was real. I'd at last accepted my daemon, I'd found my soul.

And I have accepted the challange to find my other half, if there is such a person out there for me. I speak to my daemon almost daily, meditate often to seek his guidance, find where I belong. I feel myself drawing closer and closer to my perfect other, I drew a card from the tarot to know who he was. The King of Swords. I knew the moment I saw the card, featuring a mature, long darked haired man, that this was the man for me, whom ever he was.

And then BAM. My daemon pratically throws a wild card into the game, or perhaps it is fate. One I cannot interpet and almost don't want to. I met a wonderfully eccentic, and drop dead goregous man, that bears not one...but two symbols connect to my daemon on his body. No, it can't be that easy. This cannot be my King of Swords, he's to young, to changeable, but he's got me utterly spellbound. I cannot interpet him. Does everything have to be a sign? Just becuse he's not the ultimate goal dosn't mean I cannot romance him all the same, right? Well who is to say I can even do that much, but I am sure in some way he's got something to teach. I just know it did seem odd to be staring into the mirror talking scilently to my daemon, imploring his help, and then to look over at my side to find myself staring into the most enchanting mismatched eyes. Could that just be concidence?

Well whatever happens I will be seeking my daemon out.

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

Well something helped me out last night! I dunno if it was my daemon or just my mind but that strange sleep paralizis attack was so scary I was close to panic, but something kept me calm. Thanxs for that!

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

wait a moment...I am confused...what was this boy teaching me about life? cool makeup tips?

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

hmm....maybe I am more like Mr. Daemon than I thought....running after a tornado is a very un-me thing to do while Mr. Daemon has in mediation proved to be very daring and impulsive, and I envied that.

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

What does that mean?

Will a wasp ever be less scary to me?

Can I ever get in a realtionship without wanting 'something more'?

Is it possible that "Mr Emo" actully is my "Mr. Daemon", he certianly looks enough like him and matches the "King of Swords" card, but I would think that "Mr.Daemon" wouldn't be devoting all his time and heart to another girl. Nah I am pretty sure I am always just the friend, and content with that. But I wonder often...can it get any better than what we had?

Will I ever feel fully appericated in life?

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

I wonder a bit about my on going obsession with anything vampire...almost any show book or movie I can lay my hands on I just consume. I wonder why that is? Maybe a part of me identifies with the vampire becuse I often feel very 'drained' of energy, like a vampire in need of blood, but I don't crave any sort of blood. It makes for some very gothy art, but its not partically something I crave.

I've done alot of vampire research over the years, everything from the zombie like revants reported world wide, to phsyic vampires. One can be a "vampire" in many aspects, the individual lacks a certian life force or "prana" I think it was called, and needs a secondary sorce to get it. This can be an actual bloodlust, or it can be furfilled through consuming psycic energy of some type. Sadly the beautiful immortal vampires romatized in movies and books just don't exist as damned sexy as that would be. THe vampire induviudal also goes through as sort of "awakening", where they first become aware of what there lacking, and actully seem to devolp hightened scences. So the immortal vampire is all really just a extravagant example of a more mudane "vampire".

A friend got mine thinking when out of the blue he asked me "Do you feel like a vampire". I got offended...I didn't answer the question and but in truth, yeah, every freaking day. But do I just chalk up the feeling of craving something more in my life force as vampireism or simple depression. Was I unconciously feeding off the happiness of others, and he unknowing senced it?

I seem to be particarly intrested in the fandoms that have to do with vampire slaying so cleary this leech like aspect of me is something I am not particarly proud of.

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

Hmm....if that past life was real than it would explain ALOT. Dreams, fansentions, emotions, my art...even phrases I use in sentences and not even realise it. But I don't want to write it down here for fear of looking like Eh-Eh-Eh. Althought I assure I most definatly wasn't an elf godess in a past life, and most definatly wasn't anyone of importance. Safe for the fact that I was hooked up with Mr. Daemon and the political crap and violent death, there was nothing even important in that past life. But it suspected past life is something that happened and not just a bunch of vivid dreams than man thats a sucky death.

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

*sigh* Mr Daemon...any time now.....

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

"Not quite perished my lady love, although sometimes I wish I had."

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

Me: "So...making a potion are you."
Snape: "Yes...i do this as a potions master..."
Me: No Defence Agianst the Dark Arts for you.
Snape: I guess not.
Me: Black is really your color.
Snape: They make us wear this.
Me: Shall we contuie this converstation in the great hall?
Snape: Oh...i am not allowed to date students...it's against Hogwarts policy.
Draco: No it isn't...
Snape: Shut up Draco...
Draco: No go for it man!

I am one of your cousins you don't see very often...Sev Sev

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

so you ARE my spirit guide. I knew it! Well....a name is a name, only something to indetify oneself as but still...I can't help but feel so fluffy bunny eh eh eh, even tho all the signs and there dogs point to what I've been experenceing off and on for years is the real thing.

I hate Sylvia Browne as a pshycic, I think she's quite fake, but she has done her reasearch and her spirtualism however I do highly respect. Her book "Contacting Your Spirit Guide" put tons of things that have confused me into perspective. Still....I think she's the Gildory Lockhart of the pagan world, but Lockhart did his reasearch.

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;54;3/st/20040724/e/I+found+my+Daemon./k/8826/event.png
(http://www.TickerFactory.com/)

Honsestly it all started the night S.B "died". Strange that a work of fiction can tune you into the world of the spirit, but the more I slowly untagle this web the more it just makes since. I know it's all symbolism...my spirtual life is like a big symbolic book a high school student needs to read for a report. Thats what makes me diffrent from Eh-Eh-Eh.

I know why S.S isn't my guardian tho...I don't need to be cold, and stony to get through my life challanges. I need to be brave and alittle reckless, a little bit more "Gyrfindor" if you will.

But where are all the REAL pagans? I so sick of meeting all these fluffy bunnies that think they are the most powerful witch in the underverse but they can't even get a job or loose weight? I am at least I honest...I can raise a ton of power, but I am pretty squibby most of the time...I can't even get over my fear of wasps or land a decent, stable boyfriend! I'd become a preppy cheerleader before you hear me saying I am the most powerful witch in Texas.

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

My prayer for love while I gaze amung the stars:

In these skies, I see the fire.
That lights my way to my hearts desire.
As I shine you'll come to me.
And as I will, so mote it be.

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

Well I am damn sure the love of my life isn't one of the possible idoits I don't even want to see next week. so why I am I going out with them? Ah yes...the question I ask myself witth almost EVERY guy. Umm....Mr. Daemon I sure could use some help here....

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

Thanx for being there Horned God. :)

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

I am sick of emo-ing over him. He dosn't love me. Not the way I love him. I want it to stop...and I don't. I want a fairy tale ending, but I know damn well that won't ever be. I might as well be "crucio"ing myself...although Nagini is doing a very good job of that already. But my Nagini is difffrent....it isn't just a physical craving...it's a glaring addiction to only one man, it a wild craving for acceptance, for love and affection...for the ultimate end to it all.

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

ah yes...the darkest part of me appealing to me yet agian... as represented by a beautiful "Gary Stu" that is little more than dangerous "wallpaper". the un-emo side of me. the side of me that just dosn't give a *bleep*. the darkest Slytherin side of my nature.

the last time Mr. Daemon appeared like this I had to be wallpaper. I was hanging out with Eric and some other very shady characters. I made myself stone. I locked down. I wouldn't let them destory me. I fought every step of the way. So whats the appeal now? I am I just learning to accept my loneliness, learning to understand the dark "vampiric" side of me...or I am I soon to be in another shady situation?

"I walk alone, I walk alone. My shadow is the one that walks beside me. My shallow hearts the only thing thats beats. Sometimes I wish that someone will find me. Till then I walk alone." -Greenday

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

Me: Sorting hat...I was wondering...did you put me in the right house?
Sorting Hat: oh YEAH! Oh eff yeah! Geeze are you kidding...your the new heir of Slytherin. Geeze!

hehe. Well I can accept my darknes...best damn part of me sometimes.

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

I do miss "Padfoot"...Mr. Daemons new form just broods in my dreams and looks pretty. Dosn't say a damn thing. So what the eff I am I supposed to be learning and how? I have a sneaking suspesion it might be something to do with my "B.S", or my untamed emotions. Or perhaps it's just another lesson in self suffiency.

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

"hooked on a star, enraptured by the sky, in love with a satillite."

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

the scene in Sweeney Todd were Helena is daydreaming about a life with Johnny and he just dosn't give a shizzle....that pretty much illustrates my faith in men as these past few years. There is no white knight, and even if there was how is riding off on his horse going to solve anything? Another lesson from Sweeney. I'll be my own white knight.

[wintermagick]

Oh, yeah... giggity!!! Me too.

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

being a Slytherin sux and rox. Rox so much I tattoed it on my skin...and suxs when I am outshown by Patrick Star.

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

well it looks like no only I am being outshown by Patrick Star constantly, but I am pretty damn sure I just got de-moted. Now I really I am just Rotten Fruit Hunter S. It's little wonder that "D" is my current daemon now, i hate who I am now, i hate the way I was born (a beaten down, worthless wallflower.) and I feel compeltly detached from almost everyone. But I don't know any other way to be. I don't want to be any other way. If I died alone, and unappercated, than thats fine with me. I'd rather be alone than to suffer the curse of compaionship. (unless that compainship is woah woah and sissy)

You'd think with Sirius as my power star I wouldn't be outshown by Patrick.

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

maybe it's just the current form of my daemon talking...but I WANT to be alone! At least seperated from Mr. No Contact forever, and then suddenly wanting me back. Yeah....right. Somehow I am just NOT enthused by that idea. Oh no. No I'd REALLY rather just sit here and do my Slytherin thing than to see you again. I really really do!

Rotten Fruit Hunter S is gettin' on down the lonely road, the only road she's ever known, yet agian. Man I am just not trying anymore.

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

"Don't waste your touch, you won't feel anything...or were you sent to save me? I've thought to much, you won't find anything worthy of redeeming." -Leaving Song Part 2, AFI

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

I have been wondering this whole year why the sudden and abrupt daemon change. I still see the other quite a bit...but for the most part everything I learn about defending myself, he's been the teacher. I feel like I am sitting in "Advanced Slytherin Life Skills 103", and the there is the ultimate Slytherin was my teacher. I didn't want to take it seriously. I think I slept through class becuse I just let myself fall again and agian into my old traps....laziness, thinking pepole give a shit about me...having faith in human kind. Those are dangerous things.

But now I feel like I am cramming for the final exam. Here it comes....the culimation of everything that it means to be a Slytherin. Soon I hope I am leaving everything behind me, my family, my friends and my job....will I have learned anything? Have I worked and bettered myself enough to actully make this drastic move.

I guess Rotten Fruit Hunter S is really putting on the oversized hat soon, I have the hell of alot to slay if I am ever going to leave!