How can I stop feeling so jealous?

[Felidae]

I divorced in 1987, and since then, my Ex (now deceased) and his family have had very little to do with me or our daughter.

My Ex's Father died last week, and now my Daughter's Uncle and Aunt are inviting her out to "spend the night" excusions, etc.

This isn't really a "Pagan" issue (though they are not Wiccan/Pagan my Ex Sister in Law made it clear tonight that she had no problems with my religion of choice). It's more an "I feel lonely and left out" issue.

I realize that my daughter has every right to get to know her family; I realize that they feel that they have a lot of lost time to make up for; I also realize that when my boyfriend says that "If something happens to you, she'll have FAMILY to go to! Surely that should make you feel better!" He's right.

But as I have raised this child myself for almost twelve years, how do I stop feeling so left out and jealous?

[Yvonne Belisle]

I think the best way to adapt to it is to talk about how you feel. I have almost never been apart from my children and I know that when they go away overnight if none of them are home at first I think great I can relax. Then after about an hour or two I start listening for them sometimes I will actively check the house before I remember they aren't here. It takes a large amount of willpower not to call my family and ask if they are ok. I still get a bit upset when they spend the night elsewhere but I know it helps to talk about it to others.

[Felidae]

Thanks Yvonne!

Yes, it's just been too quiet around here this morning, and I am doing all that I can to stop myself from calling her and checking in!

I think that it's good for my daughter to get out once in a while, but my main concern was for her aunt - the girl is (was) living with her parents, her mom has been in the hospital for four months and she is the one who found her father dead last week. I know that she is lonely and frightened, though she would never admit it. I think that my daughter's company might help.

I'll be glad when my girl gets home, though...:bigredgri

[Yvonne Belisle]

If you ever need me I am on most of the im servers and my contact info is here in my signature. :)

[Flar's Freyja]

Those feelings are so normal and it's great that you recognize them and want to deal with them. There was a lot of animosity between my ex-mother in law and myself, but she is my kids' grandma. The way I worked through this was to deal with my feelings privately and talking to friends. I made it a point not to disclose them in front of the kids. It took many years, but I did get over it and am very glad that my kids have a good relationship with my ex's side of the family. Through them, my boys may have recently found their half-sister, another child that my ex turned his back on when she was a baby.

[Felidae]

Thank you so much! I am feel better knowing that I'm not "Psycho Mom"! Not too much, anyway...

I try to not be controlling or possesive, but sometimes it takes a LOT of willpower! :T

[Yvonne Belisle]

Just remember you don't have to do it alone and a burden that is shared is that much easier to carry and a problem shared is that much eaiser to work through.:)

[Faery-Wings]

How does your daughter feel about it? Does she want this contact also? As long as she wants to do this, I think it is a good idea. It sounds like you have a strong relationship with her. Keep the lines of communication open and I am sure things will be fine. I think the phrase, "if you love someone, set them free" hold true with our children too. I think you are showing how strong your love is for her- a very good example for a young lady to see.

Blessings to you and your daughter. Hang in there!

[Felidae]

Thank you Yvonne, it's true that a problem does not seem so monumental when you are able to talk to others about it. It helps to clarify the picture and stop you from focusing so much on yourself.

Thank you very much also, Chrissi! Yes, my daughter very much wants the contact. The fact that her Aunt needed this time with her was brought sharply to my attention yesterday when my daughter called me at about 2:00pm: she had accompanied her Aunt to the hospital to see her grandmother (the hospital had called and suggested that "she needed to see her children") and they found that she had passed away. I'm glad that my daughter was there, as her Aunt is only in her early twenties and would have been alone otherwise.

I am extremely proud of my fifteen year old: she never once asked that I come get her! In fact, she helped her aunt through the first of the emotional onslaught, then assisted in contacting the rest of the family.

She's home asleep now, and considering yesterday's events she earned a late wakeup call!

[Margie]

It looks like you're working through this wonderfully but I'll throw in my 2 cents anyways.

I think it's great that you want to deal with the way your feeling rather than try to take the easy way out and just not let her see tham. That shows a great amount of selflessness and you're a wonderful mother for it. I agree to keep the lines of communication open. Also maybe plan something special with you and your boyfriend while she's gone. That might help to 1-keep your mind off of thing and 2-look forward to your time alone. Go out with friend, talk to them about how you're feeling. I think you really can start to look forward to your little break.

[Felidae]

Your right, Margie, and thank you so much for the beautiful words of support. Sometimes you assume that your a bit of a failure as a parent, but then you see your child really pull herself and others through a time of crisis and you say, "maybe I'm not so bad, after all..."

I believe her actions yesterday have made her feel more adult and useful, too, which is important for anybody.

When things settle down I will take your advise and make plans when she is away - with the advent of the cell phone there is no reason to sit at home, moping!

Thanks to everybody for helping me with this - before yesterday I was feeling really sorry for myself and at loose ends. It seems that things are going they way they are meant to. I think it's good for both of us - I'm not losing a daughter, she is gaining a family.