Iris
April 26th, 2007, 02:16 PM
What do you do with someone who doesn't seem to wanna deal with their problems?
I have a friend, who has some very serious issues...I won't go into the details, but he basically had a very difficult, messed up childhood, and seems to have finally come to the realisation that he has some serious emotional problems left over from that time. I have suggested counselling to him, time and time again, yet he never seems to pick up on the suggestion. He has difficulty vocalising what he feels, so maybe this is the reason. Then again, there could be a shame issue with relating some of his past experiences...and shame is a very powerful emotion to overcome. Like many abused children, I think he partly still blames himself for what he went through, and I don't think there's a way to make him realise it's NOT his fault...I'm hardly a professional counsellor, and I really feel he needs to TALK about this stuff, with someone who knows what they are doing/saying. He's never even told me all of it, not by a long way. I'd be willing to listen, if he wanted to tell me, but again, I think there's a huge shame issue in the way...I also get the sense that he's almost...I dunno if this makes sense...protective of his pain...?? Does anyone know what I mean? Almost like he feels 'This is MY pain and you can't share it, so there.' Almost as if...he doesn't quite WANT to let go of it, or doesn't know how...or something. I'm not entirely sure...it's just a weird impression that I get...
I feel like this person has spent so long living in survival mode that he doesn't really know any other way. His emotional responses to...EVERYTHING...are abnormal. He's hyper-defensive when there's no need to be, quick to feel vulnerable over the slightest thing and consequently lash out. This has led most people who know him to totally withdraw from him. They don't want to tolerate his defensive, easily-angered and vindictive behaviour. And I understand that. I'm one of the few who refuses to be driven away, because I see this for what it is - a defensive reaction that means nothing. I wonder if he TRIES to drive people away sometimes, maybe because he feels unworthy of having friends, or ashamed, or 'tainted' by his past, or something like that? I'm not entirely sure. Goddess knows it wouldn't be the first time he's said something to me like 'And if you never want to speak to me again, I understand...' he will say this with a defiant air, almost bravado, almost like he's obscurely proud of being so damn prickly...but the bravado isn't the whole story. I refuse to be driven away, and end up another person who proves his distorted views about himself. I understand some of how he feels, because I have some similar defensive mechanisms myself, although definitely not as extreme as his. So, I won't be manipulated by his personal demons into abandoning him. It's not always easy not to walk away, but for whatever reason, I feel bound to this person and so, I endure... :)
It's recently come to my attention that he's realised (and it took long enough) that his responses to things aren't quite normal. For the first time he'd doing some specific thinking about what he feels, and why, and what the reasons behind his behaviour are...and he's not dealing with the introspection well. He's turning completely inward, resorting to alcohol most of the time to numb the pain. I won't see him go down this route. I want to see him deal with these revelations in a healthy and productive way, and to grow from them...because I feel his growth as a person has been held back for many years by his 'survival mode' emotional stance, and by refusing to confront his issues and deal with them in any real sense. I want to see him manifest his pain in a healthy manner, not by substance abuse...and when the time is right, I want to see him let go of this burden he should never have had to carry in the first place. It's true that for a long time, I've had the attitude that I wanted to help 'fix him'. But I know that the changes will only stick if he does the major part of the work himself. How do I make him see that he has to stop his downward spiral, and use his new-found insights productively, as a means to heal the problems, instead of letting them get him down like this? How do I get him to talk to someone about it? I know that I can't 'make' someone do something they don't wanna do. But I care for this person and don't wanna see him ruin himself through drink and sadness...
Thoughts? :(
I have a friend, who has some very serious issues...I won't go into the details, but he basically had a very difficult, messed up childhood, and seems to have finally come to the realisation that he has some serious emotional problems left over from that time. I have suggested counselling to him, time and time again, yet he never seems to pick up on the suggestion. He has difficulty vocalising what he feels, so maybe this is the reason. Then again, there could be a shame issue with relating some of his past experiences...and shame is a very powerful emotion to overcome. Like many abused children, I think he partly still blames himself for what he went through, and I don't think there's a way to make him realise it's NOT his fault...I'm hardly a professional counsellor, and I really feel he needs to TALK about this stuff, with someone who knows what they are doing/saying. He's never even told me all of it, not by a long way. I'd be willing to listen, if he wanted to tell me, but again, I think there's a huge shame issue in the way...I also get the sense that he's almost...I dunno if this makes sense...protective of his pain...?? Does anyone know what I mean? Almost like he feels 'This is MY pain and you can't share it, so there.' Almost as if...he doesn't quite WANT to let go of it, or doesn't know how...or something. I'm not entirely sure...it's just a weird impression that I get...
I feel like this person has spent so long living in survival mode that he doesn't really know any other way. His emotional responses to...EVERYTHING...are abnormal. He's hyper-defensive when there's no need to be, quick to feel vulnerable over the slightest thing and consequently lash out. This has led most people who know him to totally withdraw from him. They don't want to tolerate his defensive, easily-angered and vindictive behaviour. And I understand that. I'm one of the few who refuses to be driven away, because I see this for what it is - a defensive reaction that means nothing. I wonder if he TRIES to drive people away sometimes, maybe because he feels unworthy of having friends, or ashamed, or 'tainted' by his past, or something like that? I'm not entirely sure. Goddess knows it wouldn't be the first time he's said something to me like 'And if you never want to speak to me again, I understand...' he will say this with a defiant air, almost bravado, almost like he's obscurely proud of being so damn prickly...but the bravado isn't the whole story. I refuse to be driven away, and end up another person who proves his distorted views about himself. I understand some of how he feels, because I have some similar defensive mechanisms myself, although definitely not as extreme as his. So, I won't be manipulated by his personal demons into abandoning him. It's not always easy not to walk away, but for whatever reason, I feel bound to this person and so, I endure... :)
It's recently come to my attention that he's realised (and it took long enough) that his responses to things aren't quite normal. For the first time he'd doing some specific thinking about what he feels, and why, and what the reasons behind his behaviour are...and he's not dealing with the introspection well. He's turning completely inward, resorting to alcohol most of the time to numb the pain. I won't see him go down this route. I want to see him deal with these revelations in a healthy and productive way, and to grow from them...because I feel his growth as a person has been held back for many years by his 'survival mode' emotional stance, and by refusing to confront his issues and deal with them in any real sense. I want to see him manifest his pain in a healthy manner, not by substance abuse...and when the time is right, I want to see him let go of this burden he should never have had to carry in the first place. It's true that for a long time, I've had the attitude that I wanted to help 'fix him'. But I know that the changes will only stick if he does the major part of the work himself. How do I make him see that he has to stop his downward spiral, and use his new-found insights productively, as a means to heal the problems, instead of letting them get him down like this? How do I get him to talk to someone about it? I know that I can't 'make' someone do something they don't wanna do. But I care for this person and don't wanna see him ruin himself through drink and sadness...
Thoughts? :(