Through all things

[Zoey]

That was hard...why was that so hard? Just saying yes to a question I would normally say no to was taxing. But I feel lighter. Change of routine. I like routine. So much sometimes it's crippling. Old habits die hard and all that.

I heard you, and thank you for lending me strength to take that step. A small one, but I need to start somewhere, or I'll be stuck forever.

I'll keep them open for you.

[Zoey]

This is getting easier. Not catering to others wants and needs before my own. People get mad but I'd rather weather their storm than have that fire inside me all the time. I feel better, quieter, not so angry so much of the time.

Thank you for listening to me and guiding me. I'm more at home here.

I'll keep them open for you.

[Zoey]

It’s ending. I was used to it. It was familiar.

My core is blowing with the four winds and I don’t think I could be more conflicted about its transformation. I'm learning to let go, but sometimes it aches to do so. Watching people I love, leave. Realizing my life is shifting and I have some rearranging to do. That's probably why I grab on with both hand and fight like hell before letting things go...saves me from that ache. Never mind the gapping wounds I have from the fight. Like I said...I'm learning.

I feel like I’m starting over, and maybe I am.

And it’s always lonely in the beginning…

Thank you for being here through all things. It makes it more bearable.

I'll keep them open for you.

[Zoey]

That harried, restless, skin-crawling feeling is absent today. That feeling I had gotten used to that doesn't let me fully relax. It's usually in my neck. I can't feel it. It's loose. I'm not exactly sure how it's gone, or how long it's gone, but I'm happy for the reprieve. I'm also fully awake, no chance of drifting to sleep, or the line of yawns ready to tear my eyes. Something has clicked, and I don't know what. Either that or I got a good nights sleep. Doubtful, had the same tossing and turning sleep that started later that it should and ended too quickly.

I'll have to find out what has caused this. It feels so wonderful, even a small ache in my shoulder, feels languid and comforting. This is very...strange.

Is it you? Did I pop something during my restless sleep? I welcome the calm, yet I'm suspicious. You know what is said about the calm...preceds the storm.

I will listen more closely, not let the calm lull me into complacency.

Please, guide me right if I seem to veer off.

I'll keep them open for you.

[Zoey]

It's true. Most things are not a coincedence and those chances ARE worth taking. Thank you for leading me to that place. Thank you for telling me I forgot to check there. I might not be of the complete same mind of these people, but they showed me that I'm not off base with a lot of my thinking and intuition. For me, I lack confidence in myself...in most aspects of my life. Please help me to weed out that fear. I'm sick of fear. It holds me from action...of any kind. Please let me not be afraid of using that number. It could be the key I was missing.

I'll keep them open for you.

[Zoey]

I'm getting the message. Thank you for your patience in my ability to plug my ears and turn away as to not see. Last night was very enlightening, on a number of levels. Actually, the whole week has. I get that huge change is comming. I'll try to not set myself against it. I'll need help, especially it seems to be a complete change in every aspect. Help me not fight the change coming. Though I'm not sure I'll have much of a choice, or rather the other choices won't be anything I'll want.

Thank you for bringing me to that store. It's been...exactly what I need. I'll keep my eye on her.

I'll keep them open for you.

[Zoey]

I'm trying to resist whining. Something doesn't feel right and I can't put my finger on it. I'm in a haze of selective apathy lately. I can't be bothered to care about most things, and the things I do care about are...dumb. I want to talk to someone, anyone, that isn't in my circle of friends. I'm tired of thier standard answers to my words. Maybe I'm underestimating them but, I can't even bring it up to them. It just seems silly when I go to put it in words.

All day today I was on the verge of tears. Even now I just want to cry. And I don't know WHY!

Well, that may not be completely true. I know some of the reasons. I'm lonely, I feel trapped in a life I created. I should know how to change it, but I have developed a stupid sense of obligation to certain things. Like a job I really don't wanna do anymore. Not only that but I want out of the field of finance altogether. There's no room for creativity, unless you want to go to jail. The being lonley part...I don't know. I just haven't met anyone that really strikes my fancy. Or that I want to spend more time with. I know I'm picky but damn!

I've been having an overwhelming feeling of just wanting to leave. Everything. The list of all the changes I want to make in my life has become a mile long. I'm tired, drained, and I'm losing hope. For every step I've taken forward, I feel as if I've taken 7 back.

I need...a swift kick in the ass. I know, be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. But everything just seems so overwhelming that I don't know where to start.

Please help me. I need a light to lead me out of this fog.

Thank you for listening. I'll keep them open for you.

[Zoey]

Thank you. Sometimes those words feel too small for what I want to convey. Thank you for bringing them into my life. Of all the people I've known, they make me feel wanted, appreciated and loved. The balance of fun and depth. And all without judgement.

I just want to say thank you. The light has been found, and I have started to make my way toward it. It's a major change coming up. But I'm looking forward to it. The fork in the path is coming, but I'm ready to make my decision. I only ask this. Help me not to sabotage myself, now that I've made my decision, so when the time comes to follow through, I'm ready for it.

I'll keep them open for you.

[Zoey]

Time to go. The threads are unraveling. I wish I could cut them so it could be done and over with, but it's about time I let things happen in their own time. My cuts seem to take much longer to get over anyway. It may hurt, this waiting, but if I'm to succeed, I better get myself prepared. This is the time I need to do so.

I'm not impatient, just eager. I was impatient last time, and we all know where that lead me.

I'm frightened though. It's unknown and really very exciting, but I still have that little voice in the back of my mind telling me all the ways it will fail. Not how to avoid failure and all the possibilities it could fail, but how it WILL fail. That voice has been with me a looooong time. I'd like it to shut up now. Second guessing will only keep me from doing what I must to succeed. It's a flake of a self-defeating avalanche. It's never once saved me from anything. Only hindered me further. Kept me where I'm comfortable and "safe". That kind of comfort will be the death of my dreams.

Help me quiet that voice of self-defeat.

I'll keep them open for you.

[Zoey]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPjmokjdHDg

I don't much care for the imagery (in fact, all the videos kinda sucked. I looked), but the song...

I can't stop thinking about that song. I find it hauntingly close to how I feel at this point. I don't see that at as a bad thing. Even the melody has a kinda up-beat, trudging vibe to it.

I think I'm figuring this hurdle out.

[Zoey]

I've been smoking for half my life. First road trip since I quit is tommow. This will be a big test. Kicking one of my greatest weeknesses isn't supposed to be easy.

11 days. It's the longest I've gone with out a cig since I was 14. I remember forcing myself to pick up the habit. Sitting in a wooded area purposely, methodicly, figuring out how to inhale. Stupid girl...guess it should be the same on the other end. But, I suppose, this isn't a habit you accedently aquire. Or maybe it is...hell, I've no clue.

I constantly think about smoking, always want one, and continue to tell myself, it isn't nessesary, grit my teeth and take it 7 1/2 minutes at a time. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I will do this. Another way of saying no...interesting.

Thank you for your help. I...well, you know.

They're always open for you.

[Zoey]

one week. And this is the first one in my whole life that I'm not looking forward to. It has nothing to do with the number associated with it. 'Cause that's all it is...a number and it's not even a significant number. :lol: It doesn't mean as much to me as it once did. Woohoo...I'm another year older. Maybe I'm growing up (eeks!), maybe I've changed my values, maybe I don't have anything to celebrate.

I still have that song stuck in my head.

I need something to do besides work and play that stupid game that just sucks my life away. I have all the things I need to start drawing. I just need to do it. I need to exercise, or this not smoking is gonna make me blow up like a balloon. I need to...do something with myself, that doesn't focus on the material world. Read somthing that's not a novel. But not become so obsessed that I burn myself out. Gotta gum my food before I can take a bite of that steak. I need to fight my vice. Sloth is an unbecomming trait in anyone. I basically need to get my ass in gear...or I'll miss it all. Life, Love, Family even. But I gotta get ok with myself first.

Stop hiding.

This, of course, has a significant risk of exposure. Another fear I have to overcome. But I'll never have what I want if I don't risk the rejection. I really hate that that's what I'm afraid of. Exposure and rejection. They're getting old. Time to force them out and realize new fears.

It's really amazing what one song can make you realize. Like magic. But all music has a little of that rolled into it. Maybe I need to get back into music...how, I don't know, but that's for a little later.

So much to think about, so much to DO. I must remember that. DO. Such a hard word for me. Kinda like saying no. It's the two letter words I seem to have a problem with. Wyrd...

[Zoey]

My thoughts always seem to be in the future. Why can I not be in the present? Why can I not be brave now? My impatience is rearing it's head and I'm fighting it off, but just barely. Why can I not look at the present and be satisfied? Why do I think I must leave in order to be happy, but I can not bring myself to leave yet? I know I need the proper supplies to make it successful, but somehow I think I'm hiding still. Making excuses to delay. Why?

Please help me to decipher my own tangled thoughts and reasons. The last person I need to lie to is myself.

They're always open for you.

[Zoey]

Had a dream last night that I had moved east without telling anyone. But they found me. They brought me back for a special occation (can't remember what it was) and when I started getting the flood of questions about what I was doin' out there, if I got a job, if I'm in school, etc., I couldn't remember. It was like I was two separate people, and it was a case of the left hand having no clue what the right hand was doing. I'll have to think about this one...

[Zoey]

I've been cutting myself off lately. I can't blame anyone or anything but myself. I'm the one that hasn't made time. I'm the one that accepted, er...welcomed this stress into my life. Hell, I actively sought it. I needed a challenge, I needed change. Yeah I've been a bit :awilly: lately, but in a weird way, I've loved it. But I'm starting to realize the hole that's developed. Or maybe it's been here a while and I'm just now sensing it. I'm slowing down and I feel I've concentrated so much on one aspect that I completely neglected another.

I'm sorry I haven't spoken to you for a while.

Seems the more I try to change, the more I've been forgetting. I feel as though I've got so many balls up in the air, one's inevitably gonna drop. I don't feel balanced. There's too much emphasis in one area and not enough in others. Help me find a way to blend them together so this equation ties. (guess that shows you where my head has been lately, huh)

I've kept them open for you, but now I will make 'em more welcoming.

[Zoey]

Wyrd. Help me figure this out. I'm a little lost in the roller coaster ride of emotions and judgements. I knew I had the potential to be like this, I just thought I could...overcome it. I'm more shallow, yet strangely deeper than I believed myself to be. You know what I'm talking about. I need to figure this out soon. I didn't leave myself a lot of time. But I guess that's what I always do, trial under pressure.

I'll leave them open for you.

[Zoey]

Stupid horoscopes...:lol:

"Whatever you do in a relationship now is likely to have lasting consequences. But even if everything is going well, some of the benefits may take a while to manifest. Don't quit even if your path seems difficult. It's not necessary to try to talk your way out of the somber feelings or the sense of disappointment. This is temporary and won't last, so don't waste too much energy fighting what will soon pass on its own."

[Zoey]

It is mine. Thank you for your guidence and aid. You are more than welcome here.

That was a tough lesson, and a very loud wake up call. I will not forget again.

They are always open for you.

[Zoey]

Weird dreams dealing in the past. I haven't thought about that time for a while now. And the dreams only deal with the good aspects of that time; love, contentment, satisfaction, laughter, happiness in doing the little things.

I was more present in my life back then. I didn't care about the future, it wasn't here yet. Going to college wasn't so I could get a good job to secure my future, it was an afterthought. A reaction to a question. Seriously.

That's what the dreams have in common. I wasn't trying to leave, wasn't trying to get through something to get to something else. I wasn't glossing over the present as a means to get to some point in the future. Hmmm...maybe.

They also took place before I ever got really hurt, by my bf, by my brother. It's interesting that in the first dream, it was a different brother that was around. Sub one for the other. And the last time I dreamt about that brother, he was dead, I was staring at his tombstone. Guess I still haven't forgiven him...need to work on that. He didn't do anything that bad...he just broke my heart, after my heart had been broken. You don't expect a brother to do that to you. Or maybe I pinned too much on him, depended on him too much. Either way...same outcome.

The second dream dealt with work. I was at Schlotzsky's as a temp manager. Having fun and still taking pride in what I was doing. Prominent colors were; green, blue, yellow. A distinct absence of red. There was no anger present in the dream. Even when I saw one of the crew was barefoot, I didn't sweat it, I just put back on my own shoes and he followed suit.

I'm not sure what exactly they're telling me, I'll have to think about them a little more. Try to figure out what the colors mean to me. That second dream was all about color. Both of these dreams were the most vivid one's I've had in a while.

I'll have to do a little research it seems.

[Zoey]

I need to stop making plans that are hinged on others. It's my life. They should be my plans. Not my plans depending on...etc.

Thing is, I love the friends I have now. No, they're not perfect, but I love them, flaws included. It took me a long time to find them and now I loathe to leave them. I know them and they will never loose contact with me completely, but contrary to my rational thought, I'm scared that if I leave, they'll forget me, and I'll be completely alone in a strange place. A place that would be better for me, but not better because I'll be lonely and as a result, depressed.

So yes, in a way, they hold me back. But that's my problem, not theirs. I've got to realize that I am worth remembering. It's easy to say here, when I'm tripping over my own head. It's completely different to live self-confident. Once I can get those concepts through my thick skull, I can go. Well, that and get some money saved up. I almost had it too, then I got a bit...forgetful myself.

I'm working to regain my self-esteem. When I have that back, I can believe in myself again and be more confident in my decisions.

It's weird to see your own cycle of self-destruction and hang-ups and knowing what the key is to stoping it. Almost as a geometric observaion. A matter of fact. The pattern laid out in front of you and seeing the flaw in it and knowing how to fix it. You just need to figure out the math that supports the new theory. That's the hard part. Weird.

Thanks for listening to me.

You're always welcome, they're always open.

[Zoey]

Something's...missing, or off, or something. Damnit! I can't put my finger on it. The weird way they're acting, seeing that whole clearing suddenly light up at once with lightning bugs, the lightning in the southern sky dancing hypnotically silent.

Change is coming...and it won't be subtle.

Help me be flexible, fluid, flowing. I'll need to be soon. Yet help me keep focus, on the necessary mundane as well as the spiritual happenings. I don't want to drown in one or the other. I need help to balance.

Seems I can cut my life, macro and micro, into stages of "waiting". Waiting for something to pass or waiting for something to come. It's a process, just go with it. See where it takes me. Be in the journey, not watching from the side "waiting" for my turn.

Come walk with me please. It's gonna be a wild ride and I don't wanna do it alone. With you here, I just might be able to pay a-bloody-tention.

Flexible, fluid, flowing focus. Say that 5 times fast. Maybe I should shorten it. Fluid focus. Yes, that sounds right.

They're always open. Welcome.

[Zoey]

Happy birthday, brother. I love you and I miss you. I'm glad you've found a place where you can be happy. You deserve it. You did so much for me, supported my choices (even when they were horrible), stood up for me (even when I didn't know I needed it) and loved me (even when I didn't deserve it). You are a good man. I'll see you this fall. Til then, take care.

[Zoey]

If it is what I think it is...Thank you!

[Zoey]

It all seeming to come together quite nicely. One half-drunken night's ramblings and some follow-through and I'm on my way. And today, yet another sign. I believe I'm making the right decision.

One night it's taken, and after offering, it's being replaced. I know I've had those "Oh shit! It's real!" moments before, but each time I see it, I'm still amazed, awed and excited.

Thank you for your support. I've felt it, and it bolsters my resolve.

Somehow I think you're as excited about this as I am.

They're always open for you.

[Zoey]

I had the nightmare again. Big three story house, wood floors, where reflections in the mirrors are not our true reflections. Water, my dad but not my dad, drowns me. Tell anyone about the reflections and they turn on you too. Alone, so alone and so cold. The nightmare was in color, but they were dirty, like a painting that's old. Try to smash the mirrors, it just creates more of itself in the now multiple reflections from the broken peices. Banish.

[Zoey]

My dreams have turned dark lately. This one was a dirty, sleazy motel where some friends of mine were staying using my credit card. She being called by my name. Weird. Some other friends from far away came as well. They were trying to teach me a lesson; even the pretty can be ugly. They all attacked me in the hotel. I ran. I woke up.

This one wasn't as disturbing as the one I had twice earlier this week, but it's disheartening when your friends attack you in your dreams.

eta: Weird bit of info. This dream had actual RL friends of mine in it. Not the immitation friends I usually have in my dreams. Except for one, the undone wonder. He was physically prettier and mentally cruel. And some RL friends were conspiculously absent.

[Zoey]

Faith. Belief. I don't think I've really understood those words before. I'm not sure that I have that firm of a grasp on them now. Though now I realize to have faith and belief, you must first make a choice and then live them. Never blindly. What are you ever to learn if you don't ask questions? How are you ever to grow if you don't seek answers?

It has taken me a very long time to come to my present conclusion on faith and belief. I always thought that there was supposed to be this wondrous epiphany where everything would just fall into place. But really, it happens by inches, more like a jigsaw puzzle. You find a piece here, one there, yet another over here, and eventually it starts to form a picture. Though one that seems to not have edges. Never neat and tidy. You can never frame it and hang it for others to see and fully understand, for it is never finished.

I believe. I have faith.

What a wondrous epiphany!

Now the hardest and best part, finding more pieces.

[Zoey]

I had a very weird dream. I had to prove I understood the way the house works. I had been trained to know, now was the test.

Concentric circles each with a different gravity. Literal gravity. Some were on their sides, some upside down, most were everything besides what would be considered "normal" outside those circles except for the very center, which held my car. I was instructed to get the other circles to the correct gravity without disturbing the center within the "rules" of the house. Otherwise the center would flip and my car would be landed on it's top.

Weirdly, I passed the test. Within the "rules" of the house, everything was exactly as it should be. To change it, would be folly. The house was an entity, a world beyond reality that thought for itself and required those who are sheltered there to understand it.

Very weird dream. I'll have to think about what this pertains to...

[Zoey]

I woke up crying. It doesn't help that I don't remember why.

[Zoey]

Just 9 more weeks of this crap, just 9 more weeks. Then I have a whole different set of problems in front of me. But at least they are DIFFERENT. Not going over the same stuff that I have come to realize, I could give two shits about.

It feels weird, the world I live in at the moment. It doesn't feel like mine. I know I'm the one that created it and living in it, but I constantly feel like I can't relax. A tight anxiety squeezing my neck. Keeping me on my toes. And I'm not sure it's a bad thing at this point.

I'm scared, but I like this kind of scared. Anticipation-type scared. I'm not exactly sure what's to come, it's not mapped out in minute detail, and it's...thrilling! I don't have a job waiting for me, I don't know exactly what classes I'll be able to get into, I'm not sure how long it will take me to complete, but there is one thing that I do know for sure. I can feel it to my core. I'll succeed. No matter what happens in the next 4-5 years. I'll make it.

I think, maybe, that the anxiety feeling is because I'm eager to begin, but I can't yet. I hate waiting. I hate forcing myself to keep participating in a world that I am done with. I no longer want this, but I force myself to come here and TRY to care about what they are saying. But I really don't care, even though I go through the motions and complete the tasks set before me, I really just don't care anymore.

I feel split, apathy at work, and anxious for the not-too-far-off future. The immobile apathy and running-around-in-circles anxiousness tearing me in two. Maybe that's why I had that little slip.

Well, I gotta look at this logically...I can't travel in time sooooo, I'll have to wait this 9 weeks out, not let myself get too apathetic and keep my split halves a little closer together. Don't wanna screw myself over before I've begun, now do I?

Thanks for this talk. I needed it. And my neck feels better already.

They're always open.