Help

[Yvonne Belisle]

Yes this is a strong plea for help I have a daughter who is 11 this month on the 23rd. She is the female equivlent of Pig Pen from the Peanuts. I have tried everything I can think of to help change her attitude and behavior. We have tried rewards and punishment we have tried praise we have tried bribes nothing works. She feels that being told to clean her room is unfair and that I help the boys with theirs but the boys actually work on it she wants me to do all of it. That is her idea of helping her. She is very smart and does well in school but I can not have this mess. Please help I need ideas.

[Drisel]

My daughter is eight and I have the same problem. The only thing that has worked so far is to remove ALL of the toys from her room. If she can keep her room clean for a week she gets one toy back and then if it is clean for two weeks she gets two toys back etc. If the room gets messy again and I have to tell her more than once we start over. She thought this was horribly unfair at the time but her room is now neat and I can get to her bed to tuck her in at night.

[Flar's Freyja]

Reward systems usually work well. You might try keeping a calendar of how many days she keeps her room clean or does her chores, and the bribe is that you'll take her shopping, to lunch, a movie etc. The one on one time would be very good right now as she's at that developmental stage, becoming a young woman, where the mother/daughter relationship is going to really face some challenges. Good luck!

[Danustouch]

Well..I'll tell you what worked for me. But then again..it started a life long phobia.

My mother told me that if I didn't clean my room, I would get hundreds of spiders in it, and that they would crawl on me in my sleep, into my ears, and mouth.

LOL.

Seriosly though...one thing you could try, is finding a website which depicts mites. They're pretty scary looking buggers. And you could tell her that one of the reasons she needs to be cleanly is because these critters live and breed in dust, and dirt.

You could also try taking away her toys, or threaghtening to give them away to good will, one at a time, until she starts cleaning up after herself. My mom did this a couple of times with me. She would give me warnings, and if I didn't clean up after myself, she'd go into my room, and take my favorite toys away. She'd put them in a plastic bag, and bring them out to her trunk. And say that the next time she went out she was dropping them off to good will, unless I cleaned my room before she left. I don't think she would have really done it, but each time, I got my room cleaned quickly!

[Yvonne Belisle]

My daughter hasn't had toys in her room for 2 years now I removed them and she never earned the right to have them in there back. :( The rewards we have tried she shoves everything into her dresser dirty clean she doesn't care then throws a fit and says I lied when I pull it out. I have shown her roaches and said that we can't keep them out if she is feeding them. The mites may work though.

[AradiaSupernova]

I'm 16 years old and I still don't keep my room clean. lol. The usual things are stuffing things in the dressers, under the beds...you name it. Closet is stuffed full. Then again..I do share my room with my other 2 sisters. We clean it twice a year, cuz thats when it HAS to be done. We're getting good at keeping it clearner longer...but...my parents just pretty much wait for us to get sick of the mess *shrugs*

Nothing has ever really worked to cure this. As I said, my room still becomes a pig sty sometimes. My Mom hates messes *shrugs*

[Yvonne Belisle]

Have you ever seen Don't tell mom the babysitter is dead? If so do you remember Kenny's room with the food and stuff as well as messy? His room is cleaner than hers is. If it was just a mess I wouldn't be so upset but it is more she will leave drawers open knowing that the cats will pee in them if she has them locked in there even with the cat litter because she won't scoop or change it. There is food often hidden between the mattress and the wall of in the drawers or under stuff. She leaves urinated clothing scattered about. It is a health hazard the way she will keep it if I don't get on her about it. I am very worried about this it is something she has to learn to take care of at 11 she should know and she knows better she just doesn't care. I have even forbidden the 5 year old from being in her room but it doesn't help. :(

[Dancin Girl]

Ahhhhhhh I went through all of the same things with my daughter... nothing worked, only seemed to cause her to rebel even more.... She was a great kid, no trouble maker or anything, excelled in school, was very responsible in every other way. I really believe it was her form of rebellion and got worse as she got older. She insisted it was her room, her space, and she should be allowed to live in it any way she chose. I tried cleanin it out for her, taking everything out, she too never had toys in her room for years!!

I finally pretty much gave up but set some other house wide rules for health and sanity and hopefully to get to her. The rules were very simple and we all had to follow them. No food or drink of any kind in the bedrooms, that meant no candy, chips, nothing for any of us!!! Also, if room was a mess, no friends were allowed to visit or play in that room. I learned to lighten up and quit nagging at her.... closed the door so we did not have to look at it, refused to do any laundry that was not in dirty laundry basket... when she ran out of clean clothes, she had to do her own laundry.

I also refused to do any redecorating of the room since it would obviously be a waste of time and money. The 10 to about 12 or 13 year space seemed to be the very worst... we did survive it though with no bugs, mites, or nasty crawly things emerging from her room. And she eventually did become much more responsible for her belongings and her personal space. I'm not sure if it was just her growing up, if it was because of the house rules, or because I finally quit worrying and bugging her about it!!

[Yvonne Belisle]

Three times this year the school nurse has had to change her clothes due to oder:( We do have the rule food stays in the kitchen but I can't fix the midnight raids when she gets up after I go to sleep:( I just get so fed up I want to cry. She hasn't been alloud to bring anyone home because I am scared to let anyone see that room. :(

[Dancin Girl]

Yvonne, I'm talking to my daughter about it right now... trying to come up with some help for you. She is twenty now, but as I said, we've went through much of this ourselves.... Her suggestion is maybe to go so far as to strip the room completely bare, leave her only the bed to sleep on, take out the dresser, and if she has a closet, lock it or take the door off.... explain to her that since she seems to be having trouble with the responsibility of caring for her personal space and her belongings, you will have to do it for her for a while..... this includes you taking care of all of her clothes, basically issuing her clean ones in the morning and picking out her clothing for her. I know it sounds pretty drastic but, some times kids only respond to drastic measures.

Have you talked to her about the why's of this behavior? And about how other children will react and treat her when she goes to school like that? Have you talked to any counselors or the school nurse about it so that they know you are trying and that you're not being a neglectful parent sending her to school in that condition?

[MasterMoon]

Have you taken away her television priveledges?

Refused to allow her to have snacks? Grounded her to her dirty bedroom for days only being allowed out to eat meals, and go to the bathroom? How about telling her that if she doesn't start cleaning, you will take pictures of her room, and mail them out to all of her friends, and their parents?

If none of this works, I would suggest taking her to a counselor, perhaps at the school.

[Loon]

We had this problem with my sister. My mom's never been very good about enforcing any kind of rules. After years of clutter, she finally set a deadline of when my sister had to have her room cleaned or else she'd do it herself, but she kept extending it and my sister didn't take her seriously. Basically, my sister's position was, "If she stops nagging me I'll do it eventually. It's my room, etc." Before she left for college she did make quite a bit of progress.

I've thought that if she was my kid, I wouldn't let her go out with her friends until her room was decent, and I wouldn't let her have anyone over. Then, I would have kept my word of doing it myself if she didn't meet her deadline. The problem with that, though, is I wouldn't want her to think she can make a mess and let it go until I got sick of it. So, after the initial cleaning, I'd have a rule where she had to keep her room up to a certain standard.

The thing that was always most offensive to me was that my sister had messes and clutter all over the house, and the house is *my* responsibility. It always bothered me that she didn't have any sense of commitment to the family or household. So her overall attitude was a big problem, not just the mess.

[flar7]

hmmm, you could bring her friends over to visit her in her room.
If she has friends over they have to stay pretty much in the room,
she cant go out to visit friends. Make her stay in room as much
as possible.....maybe take meals in there?(not sure about that one)

show room off? embarass her about it. especially with her peer
group.

and, she probably will outgrow the worst part of it.:(

[Danustouch]

Sorry guys..the above post from mastermoon, was actually from me. He forgot to log out..and I posted without checking. Sorry :)

[Mithrea]

I was like that when I was little. I have to admit, I'm not that much better right now. The difference is that now I know the difference between cluttered and filthy disgusting!

I have to say that it is tied to my problems with depression. I hate how sloppy my house is right now but I've been on a down turn (been trying to go without meds) and I just plain don't feel like cleaning. No amount of awards or threats can change how I feel.

I strongly recommend taking her to talk to someone. The fact that she is raiding the fridge at night might also be a sign of a problem.

[Danustouch]

That's a very good point Mithrea. I too, would hazard a guess that your daughter is doing this for a larger reason than just being lazy. I really do think she might need an evaluation by a school counselor, or a child psychologist. If they can't tell you why she is doing this, they might be able to at least give you better suggestions on how to deal with it.

[Flaire]

I was thinking along the same lines as Dancin Girl... I used to be a really messy kid myself (still am, though I do make an effort to keep my room clean.:)). When my room got too messy for my mom to handle, she threatened to go in while I was at school and clean it *for* me... In the mean time taking away all my favorite things, and basically stating that it was her house..and while I lived under her roof, I had to obey her rules - which meant keeping my room clean.

.... Her suggestion is maybe to go so far as to strip the room completely bare, leave her only the bed to sleep on, take out the dresser, and if she has a closet, lock it or take the door off.... explain to her that since she seems to be having trouble with the responsibility of caring for her personal space and her belongings, you will have to do it for her for a while..... this includes you taking care of all of her clothes, basically issuing her clean ones in the morning and picking out her clothing for her.

I really think this idea might help...You might want to try it.

And you say she has cats in there? Uhm...You might want to get them out of there too..No need for animals to suffer in the mess as well. :(

[Yvonne Belisle]

Well we have the no tv thing in effect already. The school nurse has been great about this we talked about it but she didn't have any ideas we hadn't tried. Danu I told her about mites even brought up a picture on the net. She cleaned her room! If it will stay that way I don't know. My mother in law has been wracking her brain for ideas too. So far she has told my daughter if she keeps her room cleaner then she will buy her some nancy drew books. I have hope. The really weird thing about my daughter is that she will clean anything else but her room voluntarilly. She will even scrub the trash can and the bathroom so it isn't that she doesn't like things clean. I have asked her if she likes it she doesn't so I really don't understand. She has admitted it is easy to do after I have cleaned it but has no reason for why she won't then. What my mother in law and I think is that it may be an issue of wanting my exclusive attention. When she is in there she is away from the rest of us. I had a lot of problems with the boys then about christmas time they started to do thier room when told so they have a tv in thier room. She has been told if she keeps hers clean she will too. Right now she cries that it isn't fair they get to watch tv and she doesn't and she knows we have a second kid tv for her as soon as she earns it. I feel like I am battling a brick wall.

[Mithrea]

I don't mean to seem pushy but I want to help :) I've sort of been on the other side. If you think she is wanting your full attention and is doing this to get it, a real child psychologist may still be in order. I mean someone not connected with the school. It sounds to me from your posts that the school nurse talked to you more than her. I think she needs someone to talk to and work with, without your involvement. Someone who is trained in child psychology, which I seriously doubt the school nurse is. A real psychologist could help her deal with the issues that are making her crave your exclusive attention. They would treat the underlying cause, not the symptom of a nasty bedroom.

[Flar's Freyja]

Do you think that redecorating her room as a mom/daughter project may help? A friend of mine recently did this with her daughter, who is ten. They transformed her room from her "little-girl" room to her "teenager's" room. At the age of 11, your daughter is going through lots of changes physically and emotionally. Sorry to break this to ya, Yvonne, but puberty dawns! You're going to be going through a lot more of this! For my friend and her daughter, the project was fun and they enjoyed some quality one on one time planning it. They spent very little money and just changed the look of the room to fit her current developmental stage by changing the furniture arrangement, getting rid of her "babyish" possessions, etc. Please don't bang your head too hard, we need ya around here.

[Yvonne Belisle]

If we can't find resolution for this I may have to take her to a councilor. We are supposed to move into a house that will be ours and I have told her we will do her room the way she wants it and in the colors she wants it so maybe that will help. I sure hope it does. I think she is close to here period too she has had some signs that it isn't in the distant future but closer than we want it. Thankfully we have had a major talk on it and she knows what it is and what to expect. I do think part of this is harmonal but I still think she just wants mommy time without the brothers she was the baby for a long time and that may factor in too.

[Danustouch]

Yvonne,

I'm glad she cleaned her room. As for whether it will stay that way.....too bad you didn't have a microscope. Then you could take a sample of dust from her room, analyze it, and show her everything that dust contains.

You could tell her too, that mites, and cockroaches are major stimulants to Athsma. That they both are seriously connected to causing athsma and allergy problems..and that if she doesn't keep her room clean, she could make herself, and others in the house sick.

[Flar's Freyja]

If she's agreeable to using it, I've heard wonderful things about natural progesterone cream to help with the transition.

[Yvonne Belisle]

Freya what does it do?

[Witchy Cowgirl]

Yvonne, I have been reading all these post with much interest....hoping that I could offer something to help with the situtation....everything I was going to suggest has already been posted.
But when it came to the midnight kitchen raids and then reading that she has no problems with cleaning the trash can or the bathroom....well that threw up red flags for me!
The first thing I thought of was eating disorders. Do you think that she might have a problem in that area. Obviously if she were binging and then throwing up she wouldn't want anyone to know so of course she would volunteer to clean those areas.
Please do consider the counseling if you feel there may be a problem in this area.
((((((HUGS TO YOU))))))

[Yvonne Belisle]

She hates to get sick so I don't think so she actually loves to eat. Her main midnight raids are junk food that she isn't alloud to get into. Unfortunitly that means lots of sugar around her room:(

[Flaire]

Maybe it would be helpful to get rid of junk food in the house for awhile as well.