Toki Wartooth
June 21st, 2007, 05:16 AM
Warning: This is probably going to turn novel-length. I'll try to be as to-the-point as I possibly can.
For much of my life, I've spent time searching and researching. I've probably done that more often than I have actually practicing or believing.
It started when I was born. My mother tried to raise me in her faith, Christianity (specifically Catholicism), but I found I could not agree with several basic beliefs, and much of it did not feel right to me. I also never felt any presence of God, and so little had actual meaning to me. So I left, and I suppose I was a very apathetic agnostic at that point.
After talking more with my father, I adopted his beliefs, but it wasn't much. All I really had was belief in reincarnation and karma. A little while later, as I read some, I felt the pantheist view also made sense. But, as more time passed, I somehow fell out of that. I went into another agnostic journey.
Feeling compelled to search for something, I stumbled upon existentialism. I did a lot of reading in that, and I became much more solidified in my beliefs after discovering and researching Sartre. I was quite the existentialist for a while, until I again slipped; but, instead of agnosticism, I was an atheist.
I've off and on had a fascination with paganism, and I oddly (being an atheist, still) started to read about paganism, mostly on the Internet. I'm not sure how one goes from being an atheist to a [first soft, later hard] polytheist, but that eventually happened. (Remnants of my pantheism?) I was naturally attracted to aspects of Roman Reconstruction (though I did not consider myself a follower of that specific path--I claimed to be eclectic, which I'm sure was the proper term) as I've had several years' interest in Latin and Roman everything. I was actually pretty happy during this period. Everything was my own. I had no beliefs I disagreed with because my path was built and maintained by me. I had no one to tell me to do this or not do that. My gods were different from the God I was taught to fear, worship, do things for, respect, and love.
So, why did I not stay that way?
Well, I suppose in the passage of time, I somehow got stung with my agnosticism again. I never seem to leave agnosticism for very long before returning to it. At this point, it's become stronger than it ever has, and that may or may not be part of my problem. See, I'm searching again for something, but I honestly don't know what. I sometimes miss my pagan path, but I don't know what the root of it is. Do I miss the "control"? Do I miss the personalization? Do I miss the comfort of those gods?
Unfortunately, I often don't think returning is an option. I've been the sort of agnostic that does not believe a deity's existence can be either proven or disproven; and, I'd wait for evidence--if I ever got any. On top of that, I'm not so sure humans can even "comprehend" or "know" a deity anyway. In addition to that sort of belief (or lack thereof), I don't believe in either reincarnation or karma. I don't believe in afterlife. I don't believe in divination. I'm not sure I'd believe in magic either. With all this, what am I left with? Not much, I wager.
My greatest problem may be my own rationality. A lot of the things I just mentioned simply do not make sense to me. I don't want to believe in something that doesn't have a strong rationale behind it. Even if a spiritual path is supposed to make one happy and fulfilled and whatnot, and even if I could be happy in it for a while, as soon as I would think about illogical it is, I would immediately become unhappy. I would not want to be living what my mind figured to be a lie, or at least highly improbable.
As I said, I'm not entirely sure what I'm actually seeking. I just wish I'd find it. I get tired of being so restless all the time.
For much of my life, I've spent time searching and researching. I've probably done that more often than I have actually practicing or believing.
It started when I was born. My mother tried to raise me in her faith, Christianity (specifically Catholicism), but I found I could not agree with several basic beliefs, and much of it did not feel right to me. I also never felt any presence of God, and so little had actual meaning to me. So I left, and I suppose I was a very apathetic agnostic at that point.
After talking more with my father, I adopted his beliefs, but it wasn't much. All I really had was belief in reincarnation and karma. A little while later, as I read some, I felt the pantheist view also made sense. But, as more time passed, I somehow fell out of that. I went into another agnostic journey.
Feeling compelled to search for something, I stumbled upon existentialism. I did a lot of reading in that, and I became much more solidified in my beliefs after discovering and researching Sartre. I was quite the existentialist for a while, until I again slipped; but, instead of agnosticism, I was an atheist.
I've off and on had a fascination with paganism, and I oddly (being an atheist, still) started to read about paganism, mostly on the Internet. I'm not sure how one goes from being an atheist to a [first soft, later hard] polytheist, but that eventually happened. (Remnants of my pantheism?) I was naturally attracted to aspects of Roman Reconstruction (though I did not consider myself a follower of that specific path--I claimed to be eclectic, which I'm sure was the proper term) as I've had several years' interest in Latin and Roman everything. I was actually pretty happy during this period. Everything was my own. I had no beliefs I disagreed with because my path was built and maintained by me. I had no one to tell me to do this or not do that. My gods were different from the God I was taught to fear, worship, do things for, respect, and love.
So, why did I not stay that way?
Well, I suppose in the passage of time, I somehow got stung with my agnosticism again. I never seem to leave agnosticism for very long before returning to it. At this point, it's become stronger than it ever has, and that may or may not be part of my problem. See, I'm searching again for something, but I honestly don't know what. I sometimes miss my pagan path, but I don't know what the root of it is. Do I miss the "control"? Do I miss the personalization? Do I miss the comfort of those gods?
Unfortunately, I often don't think returning is an option. I've been the sort of agnostic that does not believe a deity's existence can be either proven or disproven; and, I'd wait for evidence--if I ever got any. On top of that, I'm not so sure humans can even "comprehend" or "know" a deity anyway. In addition to that sort of belief (or lack thereof), I don't believe in either reincarnation or karma. I don't believe in afterlife. I don't believe in divination. I'm not sure I'd believe in magic either. With all this, what am I left with? Not much, I wager.
My greatest problem may be my own rationality. A lot of the things I just mentioned simply do not make sense to me. I don't want to believe in something that doesn't have a strong rationale behind it. Even if a spiritual path is supposed to make one happy and fulfilled and whatnot, and even if I could be happy in it for a while, as soon as I would think about illogical it is, I would immediately become unhappy. I would not want to be living what my mind figured to be a lie, or at least highly improbable.
As I said, I'm not entirely sure what I'm actually seeking. I just wish I'd find it. I get tired of being so restless all the time.