How long does grief last?

[keltickat]

I haven’t been around in a long time don’t know if anyone will remember me.

It’s been over a year now, since he said he wanted to leave and almost year since he left. He turned into someone I don’t even know, sometimes I think, I never knew him at all.

Everyone tells me I’m better off, but they don’t have to live my life. I’m just so tired sometimes, I wish I could just fade way.

[Incendia]

Although it's subjective, the grieving period lasts about twice as long as the relationship. At least that's what my psychology professor said back in college. From experience, I'd say she was right. Hang in there. If all your friends are saying that you're better off, then you probably are. You just can't see it...yet. :hugz:

[Toby Stimpson]

It depends where you are in your life...and how well you take endings and/or possibly rejection. I mean if he was soemone you had known for a long time obviously you'll 'grieve' longer... if he was soemone who your feelings werent that strong you'll grieve shorter.

A year is quite along time... but I cannot say or suggest anything until I know more. How long were you with this individual?

[SilverClaw]

yes your remembered and :hugz: And I do not have any more to say then what has already been said but sending you more :hugz: anyways :)


Although it's subjective, the grieving period lasts about twice as long as the relationship. Wow that is something I never knew before.

[Incendia]

Wow that is something I never knew before.

*Regretting silly statement* It really is an individual thing, based on the depth of the relationship. Naturally, the more involved the relationship, the longer it takes for you to get over it. She had cited some study and was referring (should have clarified) to more involved relationships. Anyway, that's how it turned out for me. I just threw it out there as an estimate. Take it with a grain of salt.

[Pagan Warrior]

Although it's subjective, the grieving period lasts about twice as long as the relationship. At least that's what my psychology professor said back in college. From experience, I'd say she was right. Hang in there. If all your friends are saying that you're better off, then you probably are. You just can't see it...yet. :hugz:

I've heard that too and I think it's a bunch of horse crap. Personally, I believe grief will last as long as you want it. Lots of people (I've gone through this myself, so don't think I'm picking on you) choose to continue mourning or pining over someone because it puts them in the victim role, which is a nice comfortable chair ... or so it seems. The truth is, when you finally say "I'm fed up with this" you will move on ... nobody on this earth is worth wasting a year in tears over. You deserve better, and as soon as you realize that you'll wonder why you ever wanted him to begin with.

My best suggestion for you would be to start meeting with a therapist. It did WONDERS for me, and he finally got me to admit to myself that I deserved to be loved.

Best wishes!

[Silvertongue]

I remember you well and have missed your postings.

I know how you're feeling (or at least know something very, very similar to that) and I'm sorry you're going through this. It took me three years after a two year relationship. Five years of my life thrown away over someone who wasn't worth it. It's probably the hardest thing I've been through in my life.

You just need to do what's best for you, and if that's grieving then so be it.

Many :hugz: to you through all of this. I hope you will be around more.

[Lunacie]

I was married for 25 years and separated for 4 years before we finally divorced. Actually getting the divorce is what allowed me to let go of the grief and move on. What I was really grieving was the loss of the dream - of growing old together and doing things together in our retirement that we hadn't had time to do before (he worked evening or night shift nearly the whole time we were married).

A year after the divorce was final he dropped dead of a heart attack and I went through another round of grieving, but it was less intense and didn't last as long.

Having been through that twice with the same relationship and having lost my mother and my sister both to cancer now, I think grief isn't about a broken heart, it's about whether we're ready to accept the change with our minds. And that takes as long as it takes. Meanwhile, when you find yourself being overwhelmed by the grief, take half an hour to remember and to cry, and then get up and go do something. Go shopping, call a friend, visit friends online, play a game or watch a silly movie, something to break the hold that grief may have on you. It's okay to grieve, but it's not something we should do 24/7, eh.

:hugz:

[~Owl~]

Yes dear, I remember you as well...

Everybody here has given valueable advice, and it really depends on you.

Even while I was married to a man I fell " out" of love with, I would mourn occasionally for my lost love from...well, many years ago.

Obviously, you felt very deeply for him, and harbor a lot of unnecessary guilt, and need closure.

I agree...therapy, over time, can do wonders. But you don't have to settle for the first one, and you DO have a choice. A Man/Woman, young/older, etc. You'll need to build a "friendship" with your therapist first. Therefore it has to be one you will come to like...and trust.

And seriously...an R/x of Zoloft might help as well.

[SSanf]

The Emotions of Grief During A Breakup (http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2007/06/29/the-emotions-of-grief-during-a-breakup/)

[Merrilyn]

It took me a few years to get over my first relationship, which lasted over three years. All I can say is, Time. Seek within yourself as much as you can and know that you are not the same person you were back then. Grieve as much and as long as you need to, but never let it get the best of you. You are worthy, loveable and wonderful, even while in so much pain. Please do take care.

[keltickat]

:) Thank-you everyone

We were together for almost 17 years and we have a 15 year old son.

We work at the same place and I don't feel like I can go forward with legalities because I'm only part-time and I'll lose my health coverage when the paper work goes through.

I think Lunacie and Owl are right I’m missing the future I always envisioned and life I had. I don’t like everything being so complicated.

Thanks for the hugs and words of encouragement. Thanks for remembering me Hymnia, Owl and Silvertongue.

I’m looking into therapy and I was already taking meds for anxiety.

[Semele]

I think grief sticks around for as long as we need it.

[RunningBear]

When my sister lost her husband. It took about a year to get over it. Perhaps it's living through all the anniversaries of memorable events. I wish for you to see a brighter future very soon.

[Annorah]

17 years is a long time for a relationship and, as others have said, there are all the hopes and dreams for the future which have now gone so it is going to take time to come to terms with all of this. By posting here, it seems to me that you are now ready to start to move on to the next phase in your life - this doesn't mean that you will instantly stop grieving, just that other things will become more important.

I wish you a happy and blessed future.

:hugz:

[Pagan Warrior]

We were together for almost 17 years and we have a 15 year old son.

That is a long time and I wish you the best. I was about 10 almost 11 when my parents split up, it's hard on the kid no matter what the age, so perhaps you two should spend time together to support each other.


We work at the same place and I don't feel like I can go forward with legalities because I'm only part-time and I'll lose my health coverage when the paper work goes through.

I hate to suggest this, being a man myself, but you might as well request spousel maintenance, at least for the insurance.


I think Lunacie and Owl are right I’m missing the future I always envisioned and life I had. I don’t like everything being so complicated.

I remember one of the very last gifts I gave the last woman I cared for ... it was towards the end and I knew the end was coming (just wasn't willing to admit it to myself). I bought it in a gas station of all places, how tacky huh? But it was a framed quote, very pretty, that read "Sometimes on the way to a dream we get lost and find something better". The future is an illusion my dear, and while I think it's important to try and plan for the future, don't get lost in it. It'll never be what you envision, becase as you creep closer your future creeps further away. Live for now, enjoy now, and remember that all things happen for a reason.

About two years ago I was devostated because I got laid off a very good paying job. What I failed to see at the time was the momentum that one layoff initiated that lead me to the job I have now with Honeywell. It was a long two years, and I struggled, but I made it and I'm making more now than I ever did at that job ... plus I spent over three years there and never once got a promotion no matter how hard I worked.

You will be fine :)


I’m looking into therapy and I was already taking meds for anxiety.

Good, therapy will do wonders for you ... so will a new hobby. I know it sounds silly, but honestly we build habits throughout our lives and relationships. I believe some of the hardest parts of a breakup are those broken habits. Habits don't just go away, and they are best replaced by new habits. So ... like I said, find a new hobby, something you've always wanted to do but never had time for.


I think grief sticks around for as long as we need it.

I am going to have to disagree, in a perfect world I believe that is true. Sometimes people hold on to their grief because it's the last remaining tie to that once familiar and comfortable life. Grief has its place, and it is healty up to a point. Eventually you need to take control and throw it out the door.