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aluokaloo
July 10th, 2007, 02:32 AM
Someone told me that my writing style is cool and analytical....is that so?
Hear is an excerpt from one of the books I am working on. Opinions desperately needed!


Tetsuís eyes swept wildly from side to side as the man took the tattoo stick and plunged it into a fire, the man waited until the metal tip grew white. He turned towards Tetsu as Lord Tokushima declared the crimes of cowardice, and lack of utter respect for his superiors, and that there would be no samuraiís death to redeem his shame. Tetsu screamed as the incredibly hot tip seared his forehead, every time Tetsu tried to pass out, he was forcibly awakened until the man was done, there on his forehead was branded Coward. Tetsu Kadokawa added further to his shame by vomiting repeatedly after the vicious branding, and he was dragged to the front gate, bound by slender chains.

Fiamma
July 10th, 2007, 04:07 PM
Hmm...I'm not sure I'd call this particular passage "cool and analytical", a description which, to me, sounds much more like one to use for a piece of informative or editorial writing. I would say that this is very descriptive and involved.


Someone told me that my writing style is cool and analytical....is that so?
Hear is an excerpt from one of the books I am working on. Opinions desperately needed!


Tetsuís eyes swept wildly from side to side as the man took the tattoo stick and plunged it into a fire, the man waited until the metal tip grew white. He turned towards Tetsu as Lord Tokushima declared the crimes of cowardice, and lack of utter respect for his superiors, and that there would be no samuraiís death to redeem his shame. Tetsu screamed as the incredibly hot tip seared his forehead, every time Tetsu tried to pass out, he was forcibly awakened until the man was done, there on his forehead was branded Coward. Tetsu Kadokawa added further to his shame by vomiting repeatedly after the vicious branding, and he was dragged to the front gate, bound by slender chains.

aluokaloo
July 10th, 2007, 05:30 PM
so it invokes emotions of some sort then right? IYHO

Tanya
July 10th, 2007, 09:34 PM
just a thought on sentance stucture and.... Earnest Hemingway...

I think pain is best expressed in short uncomplicated sentences. Clauses lose the focus of pain... expecially when we are talking about short hot stabs of pain.