is sacrificing your own happiness to keep someone else from messing up worth it?

[mistymoon]

I'm between a rock and a hard place right now and i figured that maybe someone could help me. (I know that all decisions are mine to make but I would just like to hear others opinions on the matter)

Last year me and my little cousin decided that we was going to joing the VA Army National Guard together under the buddy program when she turned 17 (she was 16 at the time) We even got permission to go to a couple drills with a friend of mine. Everything was going great until my cousin and her boyfriend broke up.. After that she's been on a path of self-distuction. Samantha has always been more of a little sister to me, and she has been through some pretty rough things in her life.. So when she wanted to do something to better herself I was willing to do whatever I could to help her (no I wasn't just going to join the army for that reason)

She's been obsessed with having a baby (she is 17) Before she had said that she wanted to wait until she was in the military and finished with school before even thinking about having a baby. Now she's running around with these guys that aren't the greatest people to hang out with..

Well now to my problem.. Samantha called me last night and told me that she wanted to join the military again that she was tired of everything that she'd been doing. BUT the thing is she wants me to keep my promise and join under the buddy program with her.. (I am in a new relationship working on getting my associates in forensic science and planning to move to another state in a couple months) I hate breaking my promises and I try my hardest not to. My thing is that I can keep her from messing up her life if I sacrifice myself, I've talked to my boyfriend about it and he said that he would really rather I didn't join because we already don't get to see each other and he wants us to "settle down".. But he also said that he knows that I want to keep my promise to her and that he doesn't want to keep me from doing something I want. (I also have a 13 month old daughter) But she was born when I had decided last year to join the military.

Any advice is welcome

[Astara Seague]

worry about your own life and what works for you, if you dont want to go ..dont
and on a personal note your little baby needs you

if she is on the downward trail nothing you can do will change it until she is ready to change it.. its hard to do that I know when you care alot about someone but its just not worth the frusteration and pain,
just be ready and available for support if she needs to talk and when she is ready to calm it down some

and my own opinon it sounds as if she doesnt really know what she really wants anyway and Miltary is a HUGE commitment not a place to run away when you are "sick of everything"

[Shawn Blackwolf]

Your child is your PRIMARY responsibility...Not your friend...
She has to make her own decisions...period...you know that...

All you can do...Is offer her support to change her behavior...

[mistymoon]

Ok I guess I didn't make somethings clear.. I still want to join the miltiary just the PA National Guard not the VA National Guard. The thing is if I keep my promise to her I stay in VA longer.. She is my little cousin not just a friend of mine.. She wants to change her ways she just wants me to keep my promise to her about if she joins we go under the buddy program together

[Lunacie]

So, you live in Pennsylvania and she lives in Virginia? Was that where you lived when you made the agreement together? How were you going to work it out before?

[mistymoon]

So, you live in Pennsylvania and she lives in Virginia? Was that where you lived when you made the agreement together? How were you going to work it out before?


I live in Va right now.. So does she.. When we made the agreement last year I hadn't planned on moving to Pa. Sorry if that was unclear

[Lunacie]

I guess I don't know how the buddy program works. Are you saying that you can't be in the buddy program together if you live in different states?

[mistymoon]

I guess I don't know how the buddy program works. Are you saying that you can't be in the buddy program together if you live in different states?

The buddy program is for 2 people to enlist at the same time and go through basic training and AIT at the same time and then be sent to the same battle stations.. I was thinking that I could stay down here and go under with her and then as soon as I was done with AIT get my transfer to the Pa National Guard started..

[Lunacie]

That seems fair enough. She's just in a vulnerable place right now and is being a little co-dependent, but you can't be her 'buddy' for life. Eventually she will have to stand on her own feet, eh.

[SSanf]

Is sacrificing your own happiness to keep someone else from messing up worth it?

Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. This is your cousin, who I am certain that you love deeply. Sometimes, we will do a whole lot more for family. I think it could be smart to prefer a cousin, who is in your life on an unconditional basis, over a boyfriend. They do tend to come and go, you know.

If you have no immediate career, plans a stint in the VA Army National Guard might be a good choice. Perhaps, the military will help pay tuition for you to finish your degree. They have all kinds of educational programs and benefits. I think you should check into that.

Chances are good you will lose your boyfriend if you do this. Chances are almost as good that you will, eventually, lose him anyway.

I would tend to say, stick by your promise to your cousin. It was a promise. Surely your word means something, doesn't it?

However, if you blame her or make her feel indebted to you in any way because of this man who is probably temporary, shame on you. If you cannot give her this gift unconditionally, ungrudgingly and wholeheartedly, don't do it.

[aranarose]

Also consider the strength that she will likely gain from going through basic training. She needs you right now, but likely won't need you after you are done with basic training. You'll both have learned skills that will help you for the rest of your life. And you'll be able to transfer if that's what you choose to do.

[SSanf]

Maybe, you wrote this hoping that we would give you permission to break your word.

Here is the thing. If you don't this and her life turns out badly, you will always wonder if you let her down over some man, probably long gone, when you could have changed her life for the better. You will always carry a burden of guilt for breaking your promise.

If you keep your promise and her life turns out badly, you have a free conscience all your life knowing you did what you could and that you are a person whose word can be counted on.

If you do this and her life turns around and she does well, you are a heroine.

I am not minimizing what she is asking you to do. It is a whole heck of a lot to ask of anyone. But, you gave your word of your own volition. Keeping our promises is often hard. Having character isn't for sissies.

[imapepper]

I'll be the lone voice that says I don't ever believe in sacrificing your own happiness to 'keep someone else from messing up'. I don't think you have that power over another person, your cousin is going to mess up in life with or without you, and to be honest, the military may help her focus on being an honorable, responsible person but what she really needs is therapy. I'm wondering where her parents are amidst all this mess, obviously not supporting and raising their daughter. You have your own responsibilities, your own child, your own family, and they should be your top priority. I think the best thing you could do for your cousin is get her professional help, be her friend, support the healthy choices she does want to make, like getting into the military, but I think you do her a disservice holding her hand along the way and allowing her to be so dependent. If she's not leaning on these boys, she's leaning on you, she needs some guidance, and I think you're a positive influence, but I also think this would be better in the hands of a therapist. A teenager wanting a baby is not, in my personal experience and opinion, a good sign. What she needs is to feel loved and cared for, and you, nor the boys or the military, is going to change that. This is a bigger problem than just dating the wrong guys, this is about a young girls self-esteem.

Even if you stuck around, she's still going to have the same issues, so I'll reiterate that I think it's much, much, much more important and valuable for her, that you encourage her to get counseling, please. In this way you wouldn't be breaking your promise, you'd actually be doing something ten times better, in my opinion.

[Willow Rosette]

I think she is a grown woman and you should let her take care of her self while you are taking care of your baby. If you are planning on going in anyway then I see nothing wrong with going in with her. But you are a new mother and would be leaving your baby behind and I cant imagine that one. Good luck with your decision.

[SSanf]

Everyone needs to have their hand held sometimes, even grown ups. Even me.

Sometimes, I think telling someone, "Oh get therapy," is just a cop out on being responsible to and for each other.

Sometimes, just being treated with love and respect; sometimes just being able to trust those around you is a heck of a lot more effective than any counseling in the world.

[mistymoon]

Thanks for all the input (so far) I went over and talked to my cousin today I am waiting for my recruiter to call back to set up a day to take her and my grandmother to talk to him..

To the person that asked where are her parents.. Her father is in jail and her mother is about to go back to jail later this month. So no they haven't been a good influence in her life since she was little..

I'm not looking for permission to break my promise to her.. I am very big on keeping my word to anyone that I make a promise to..

I guess I'm just going to have to do some very serious praying and thinking to see what I should do.

(oh and about the couseling thing.. She's been in counseling for awhile BUT she missed an appt and was told her insurance wouldn't pay anymore)

[Fairy_Princess]

is sacrificing your own happiness to keep someone else from messing up worth it?

HELL NO

[EJ1096]

First.....NEVER.

Second. Where you going into the Gard regardless of her?
Also they say "2 weeks a year" and yes they have a very attractive collage payment offer. However Are you ready for that 2 weeks a year to really be 6 months to a year playing in a very deadly game in a desert thousands of miles away?

If you have seriously thought about what you might end up doing. Then by all means go. I have the utmost respect for every one in our military. I know alot of people in the MN. gaurd. Medics, pilots, "grunts" its a great place to get some life skills and self esteam.

But by no means IMO. Should you go just because of some body else.
What happends if you join together get sent away and she comes home and you dont? You have a kid. and your cousin might be even more screwed up if that happened.

I think you have a good idea. If you planned on joining for you then join with her get her through basic (after basic its much better) . then transfer

besides alot can happen during basic. you might end up staying in VA.

But what ever you decide do it for you. and be strong.

Good luck

[SSanf]

I guess I'm just going to have to do some very serious praying and thinking to see what I should do. That is best. Well, we have certainly given you about as good a run down of the situation as we can.

[CheshireEyes]

Hmm, I believe in self-sacrafice under certain circumstances, but I don't think this is one of them. Eventually she'll have to learn to fend for herself, she may have a few falls but she must make it on her own. If she always needs you to "prop her up", she'll never learn to do things on our own.

And, aside from all that, is it even POSSIBLE for you to switch from one state to another? You might want to check into that.

[Philosophia]

is sacrificing your own happiness to keep someone else from messing up worth it?

I can definitely understand your dilemma. However, how do you know that she won't keep messing up? Going through this won't help her if she is going to fall back to her own tricks. She has to stand on her own two feet. You did make a promise but, unfortunately, situations have changed enough that doing this means separating yourself from your young child. Weigh the pros/cons of this decision because it will effect a lot of people.

[dragoncrone]

This is not a great time to be joining ANY branch of military because, no matter what promises the recruiting agent makes, you stand a really good chance of coming home in a body bag.
You owe it to your daughter to make sure she has a mother. Period.
What your cousin does with her life is up to her, she needs to grow up and stand on her own two feet and it is not your responsibility to see to that. Promises made by a couple of teenage girls are one thing, and unfortunately real life is another.

[aluokaloo]

nope not ever besides you've got a baby who needs you, however this is just my opinion, what you choose to do in the end, be it for someone else or yourself is entirely up to you.

[mistymoon]

And, aside from all that, is it even POSSIBLE for you to switch from one state to another? You might want to check into that.


Yes it is possible to transfer from one state to another.. My daughter dad did it when i was pregnant with her. it's called an interstate transfer.. You just have to get permission from your current unit to transfer and have talked to a recruiter in another state and have thought about possible units... and have talked to them..

[mistymoon]

I know that joining the military is a big decision.. And it's not one that I had made before in a short amount of time. I have friends in every branch of the military. I know that it's difficult but then again I've been though several of those in my lifetime already. (I mean I lived on my own in Mexico when I was 15) I just really want to have her know that I'm going to stand behind her (or next to her) if the need be.. I know I can't do it forever but right now I think she really needs someone to be there.

Again thanks for the input, I greatly appreciate it

[Willow Rosette]

I think wanting to help your cousin shows an amazing amount of love inside of you, you now have to think of your precious baby. I believe if you join you have to sign over custody to someone else. Maybe it is just me but if you are sent to Iraq or somewhere else you could end up missing 15 months of her life, as a mother I could not imagine missing that. When you made the promise to her you didnt have a higher priority and now you do. You have to consider your daughters best interest before your cousins.

[mistymoon]

I think wanting to help your cousin shows an amazing amount of love inside of you, you now have to think of your precious baby. I believe if you join you have to sign over custody to someone else. Maybe it is just me but if you are sent to Iraq or somewhere else you could end up missing 15 months of her life, as a mother I could not imagine missing that. When you made the promise to her you didnt have a higher priority and now you do. You have to consider your daughters best interest before your cousins.

Actually yes I did have my daughter when I made the promise to my cousin. I know that I would be missing a good deal of things in her life if I was to be deployed, and honestly the fact is quite sadening. But then again I have an almost 6 year old daughter that I haven't been able to see in over 4 years. (she lives in Mexico with her paternal grandparents) I know what it's like to miss out on things in a childs life and I would much rather miss out on things for a good reason (with Gwyn) then because i have vendictive ex-inlaws (like with my oldest)

I know there is no actual guarentee in the military but I am hoping to get put on orders here in the state.

[Vampiel]

If your going to join the military regardless, then go ahead and do it. The only drawback it seems is that you might end up staying in your current state a little longer.

State transfers are not really a big deal in the guard/reserve, people do them all the time, i'm about to do my 2nd one. You just tell them you are moving to this state b/c of "so and so" and they file the paperwork. You can transfer within the month.

If you have a child and a husband you are less likely to get deployed, unless the entire unit is called up those that are married and with children usually don't get picked out of the unit to go with another unit unless they volunteer or are critically needed.

Even though you can transfer just remember even with the "less likely" they can always call you up no matter how much you might oppose it... given you are medically fit.

They will offer you "bonuses" to take a certain MOS but those are the one's that have a higher likelyhood of being shipped overseas.

If you can find a RAID unit... they hardly ever get deployed overseas (but thats strictly aviation).

[DreamSpell333]

I really cant give you any advice as you have to decide on your own.
You show that you care for your cousin and thats great.
I personally could not leave my children and husband behind. My children are my LIFE and I would be nothing without them.

I wish you the best hun in whatever you decide to do. :hugz: :hugz:

[blackroseivy]

I agree with those who are putting your baby 1st. I also feel that to pronounce a man (stranger) "temporary" to be rather presumptuous.

[banondraig]

what are you going to do with your daughter if you are deployed?

what happens if you do not get your interstate transfer? it's not always easy. my best friend signed up for the va guard, and she got married and moved to seattle with a guy she met in tech school. she wound up having to fly back to va for her annual training.

also, the "1 weekend a month, 2 weeks a year" is a minimum. you should be prepared for 3 day weekends usually, and up to 29 days for annual training. will your current job be acommodating of this? yes, i know it's against federal law for them to fire you b/c you are in the military, but there wouldn't be a law if it never happened, and they can always look for other excuses to fire you.

if you cousin really wants to use the military to make a change in her life, she ought to go active duty. that said, it's not a good idea to run away from your problems by joining the service, whether in peace or war. how much research has she done? does she know what job she wants to do?

[mistymoon]

what are you going to do with your daughter if you are deployed?

what happens if you do not get your interstate transfer? it's not always easy. my best friend signed up for the va guard, and she got married and moved to seattle with a guy she met in tech school. she wound up having to fly back to va for her annual training.

also, the "1 weekend a month, 2 weeks a year" is a minimum. you should be prepared for 3 day weekends usually, and up to 29 days for annual training. will your current job be acommodating of this? yes, i know it's against federal law for them to fire you b/c you are in the military, but there wouldn't be a law if it never happened, and they can always look for other excuses to fire you.

if you cousin really wants to use the military to make a change in her life, she ought to go active duty. that said, it's not a good idea to run away from your problems by joining the service, whether in peace or war. how much research has she done? does she know what job she wants to do?


Hmm if she had to go for AT what did she do for drill??? I really don't see them letting her SUTA all of her drills.. And if you move they HAVE to let you transfer.. I mean you can lose rank and stuff like that but they have to let you transfer..

If I join my mother and my daugthers dad would be taking care of her. It's something that's been planned and talked about with my recruiter.. I have to make a family care plan for while I'm gone.

Of all the people I know in the national guard(upward or 30 people) I have never heard of a 29 day AT.. I have heard of a 17 day long AT and that's if you opt to go on advanced party.. And yes I know there are 3 day drill weekends. It's where you go in for a couple hours on friday evening and then sat and sun. (please remember my ex is a Sgt in the Va National Guard) None of this in new to me..

I am a student right now, and the worse they can do is fail me. And if they do that and I can prove that I was on active duty durning that sememster I can get the grade dropped and recieve a W.. (again happened to a couple friends that got deployed to Afghanistan)

About my cousin.. I would not just let her make the decision to join without know about it.. Like I said in a previous post, we attended drill with a local MP co. She has every informational DVD there is. She has talked to a LT and asked him questions.. (notice I said LT not recruiter)

She knows what she wants to do.. She wants to be Military Police.. (hence the reason we went to drill with the MP's)

She isn't joining to get away from lifes troubles, she is joining because she is tired of the life she's been living for the past year. And the biggest reason she is joinin is "I would rather die for a good reason like defending my country, then to be shot for some stupid reason on the street." (her exact words)

She doesn't want to join active duty.. (even though she knows there is a GREAT chance that she'll get deployed) She wants to go to school AND be in the military. (which again I said in another post)

Like I have said before.. The decision to even think about joining the military was not made without knowing what we would be getting into..