Child Abuse?

[Kaylara]

I have a huge moral dillema here. First let me give you a little bit of background here.

I am 19 (Jessi), my sister is 18 (Missy), one brother is 12 (Miles), and the other is six (Nicky). Miiles & Nicky are my half brothers, we share a mother. My parents got divorced when I was 3 and my sister 1. I have been bounced around from Grandparents, to father, to mother during my childhood and teen years.

When I was small, and my parents were still together, my father worked two jobs, and my mother stayed at home with us. It came to the attention of my father that my mother was locking us in our bedroom all day, until about 15min. before he got home. (This only came after I climbed out of my two-story high bedroom window, and almost broke my leg.)

After moving around a lot, I finally moved in with my mother when I was 8. My brother Miles was under a year old. My mother would not take care of him; I would change his diaper and feed him before I went to school each day, and when I came home, he would have the same diaper on, and his food would still be on the table. She would sleep all day, and then rampage around the house all night.
Nicky was born when I was 13. By then, his father and my mother were on the outs. They got divorced by the Nicky was a year old. My mother got two jobs. ( I think that she has worked a total of 5-6years in the whole time I have been alive.) In any case, I was made perminant babysitter because it was the summer. I was incharge of keeping the house clean, and watching my three younger siblings.
I moved to Florida to live with my father at the end of the summer, and after 10 months, moved back to NJ to live with my grandparents. After three years of living with them, I moved back in with my mother and her new boyfriends. (and my brothers.) I slept on the couch, paid all of my own bills, worked after school, and finally graduated. After two years, I couldn't stand it anymore. I was in love, and my fiancee's parents invited me to come live with them.

This is where I need help.

My mother was getting better for a while. Then she got worse again. She never pays attention to my brothers. She freaks out for no reason, and belittles them every chance she gets. Her responses to things that happen are completely disproportionate.
Yesterday, Nicky ran into her room where she was taking a nap. (It was about 6:30pm) She screamed at him to get the F**k out of her room. When he didn't leave fast enough, she ran after him screaming for me to get her paddle for her.
Nicky ran into the bathroom and locked the door. My mother proceeded to scream at the top of her lungs and tried kicking in the door. I got in between her and the door and told her that she needed to calm down. (I was okay at this point.) Nicky unlocked the door, and my mother reached in and picked him up by his ear. I tried to stop her, but she ripped him away. She dragged him through the living room, where Miles tried to pull him away from her, and told her to stop. She smacked Miles for getting involved. She forcefully threw Nicky on to the couch, and started screaming at him with her face less than six inches away from his. She was threatening him with the paddle in one hand, and sitting on him so that he couldn't get away. When he didn't answer her fast enough, she slapped him across the face, hard. (Of course by now, I was ranting like a maniac, and cursing at her at the top of my lungs. I honestly could have knocked her through a wall.) She kicked me out after I told her that I was calling the cops. She stormed outside.
My brothers asked me not to call the cops. My mother and her boyfriend told them that they had friends in DYFS, and that they wouldn't be believed... My brothers also said that they didn't want to be separated from the family.
Scenes like this are happening more and more often. Some of the adults on my mothers side of the family are saying that I am a bad influence on my brothers, and that I am trying to take the place of my mother.
Others vehemently disagree with that.

My question....
What should I do? This is breaking my heart... and I can't take care of them right now, even though I would rather put myself in the poor house, just to make sure that they can have a good life. Am I wrong to disagree with my mother? Am I right telling my brothers that they deserve respect, even though my mother disagrees? Please help.

Thank you,
Kaylara

[Ozymandias]

This is a touchy subject Kaylara but one that needs attention. You are right. Never think otherwise. Do what you have to to get them away from her. I know that sounds harsh but this could get dangerous for them. They will thank you for it later. And at all possible get your mother some help.

[Earth Walker]

Your brothers are indeed worthy of respect, and you
are to be commended for standing up for them. :)
I hope your mother gets counseling, she has a lot of
bitterness and anger she needs to let go of.
All of you are in my prayers.




Blessed be the Great Goddess who is there to help us
in our travails. :sunny:

[Amora]

I could never in my wildest dreams think of treating any child especially my own like that. Your story brought tears to my eyes. Something needs to be done. Your brothers in my opinion are too young to know what is best for them. They are in danger of growing up thinking this is normal to treat a child like this. Personally I would run not walk for help. But in this sick justice system we have I don't know how quickly it would be helped if at all. That is a terrible situation and your brothers are in my prayers.

No one should have to go through that and don't ever doubt yourself for feeling that way too!!!!!!

[Wiccan Maeve]

Kaylara, what an awful situation for your mother to be putting your brothers, and you in. I say do all that you can to change what's going on. I know your brothers say not to help, but I don't think they know how much this will affect the rest of their lives. You and your brothers are in my thoughts that you have the strength to get through this. And they are with your mother so that she may get the help and healing she needs too.

Sweetest of dreams & bright blessings,
Maeve

[Xois]

please contact your local social service people. You can even file the abuse report anonomously...

If you don't think you can, give me all the info and i"ll do it

I am sending you good vibes...please do something immediatly before things get even more out of hand

email me if you need too

pbn@email.ipagan.net

[belladonna23]

Hi, Kaylara,
It is terrible what your mother is doing to your little brothers. I am glad that you are brave enough to want to help. I agree that you need to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get those poor boys out of that situation.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your brothers and sister, and yes, even for your mom.
Please let me know if I can help.

[gunner]

kaylara, at 19 you are trying to carry a load that most "adults" could not carry alone. what you are describing is child abuse pure and simple and neither you nor your brothers and sister should be living this way. you need to do what ever is necessary to end this and never mind "breaking up the family" this is not a "family" and as for your mother and/or her boyfriend "knowing people at social services" i suggest that the cops won't be much impressed with who they claim to know. i do not know what your mother's problem is, alcohol or drugs or mental illness but your instincts are right, you, your sister and brothers need to be away from her until she can get treatment for whatever is her problem. if anyone here is worthy of respect it is you for understanding that something is badly wrong and wanting to do something to make it right. do what you know you must to help your sister and brothers kaylara. you are not alone, you have friends here that will do their best to stand with you.
mithras guard and protect you who needs it most.
"gunner"

[Maggie]

Originally posted by Kaylara
Scenes like this are happening more and more often. Some of the adults on my mothers side of the family are saying that I am a bad influence on my brothers, and that I am trying to take the place of my mother.
Others vehemently disagree with that.

My question....
What should I do? This is breaking my heart... and I can't take care of them right now, even though I would rather put myself in the poor house, just to make sure that they can have a good life. Am I wrong to disagree with my mother? Am I right telling my brothers that they deserve respect, even though my mother disagrees? Please help.

Thank you,
Kaylara


A bad influence how? It sounds like the you're the only normal person around them!!!!!!

You are absolutely right in that your brothers are being abused, both physically and emotionally. First, ignore those who say you're a bad influence--you're not--and get help, this is a big burden for someone your age but although you shouldn't have to, you're the one there. I believe you can call Child Services anonymously, to get someone there outside the family to see the situation. If you want, you could probably make an appointment to actually talk the situation over before taking action.

Your brothers are going to be difficult. Even though the parent(s) are abusing the children, the children often defend them out of love, loyalty, or due to a need they feel to protect a weak parent. I've seen this in my own family, one of my nieces was abused by her father. They are going to need counselling, even if only briefly, to help them understand the situation.

I think you know yourself that they need to be protected, but taking action under the circumstances is hard. You know that we're all here for you--go for it!

Maggie

[cydira]

That is clear cut child abuse. Anyone who says otherwise is a moron. If you need someone to report it, I'll happily volunteer myself to do it also. Who ever it is saying that you're a bad influence are probably abusers also. Trust them as far as you can throw them and run like hell when they come your way.

I personally support you in all of your efforts to help your brothers. If there is anything I can do, tell me.

[Moonwillow]

Kaylara,

A young lady with such a world of burden - my heart sends you strength and love...

You ALL deserve to be respected.

Are your grandparents or fiancees parents (or relative of?) able to help intervine with you, to maybe give the boys somewhere to live temporarily?

You must get them away from her ASAP, like everyone else has already stated. They are too young to realize that this way of life is not the 'norm', they need to be removed from that atmosphere and placed in a healthy environment so they can begin to understand what a healthy relationship is.

Special prayers are sent your way, to help ease the hurt and to hold your hand tight, to give you strength and courage, to fight the fight. Brighid is with you....

[Tigerwallah]

Originally posted by Moonwillow
Kaylara,


You ALL deserve to be respected.

Are your grandparents or fiancees parents (or relative of?) able to help intervine with you, to maybe give the boys somewhere to live temporarily?



I was going to say the same thing as Moonwillow. You are very wise beyond your years. This situation calls for someone with a little authority, however. I don't suggest you confront your mother without an older adult figure present. It will censor her behavior to have someone she views as a peer present.

Definately act on this. It might damage your relationship with your brothers now, but they will be safer for it. Do what is best for them. They will eventually see that. I wish you the best. The Goddess is with you.

[Fawn]

Kaylara-it sounds as if your mother has a bipolar disorder this does not excuse her behavior and everyone is entitled to respect regardless of the age--report her report her dang you have little brothers and thier health and emotional well being is at STAKE
Request to the child safety people that your mother be doctor evualated for a bipolar/depression disorder then if all is well there-she should see a pyshstriast and then take parenting classes. Your mom is sick if she had cancer and was dying you would care for your brothers--this is no different.

[rantnraven]

Fawn could be right with the thought of a Bipolar disorder.

Howerver, let me throw my two cents in. As a recovering alcoholic - sober for nearly a year - I had gone through an outpaient rehab program. In this program, we had a group and I watch many enter it before I graduated. What you are describing, to me, could be as simple as substance abuse - alcohol, coke, meth. This situation can only get worse if it continues.

Sure they don't want you to call the police because they love their "mommy" in all her glory. But if nothing is done, someone - those children - will be hurt far worse then they are now.

They will see past that in the end.

Blessings Sister,
Rant

[Lilu]

I agree with what everyone has been saying.
I've sat here and listened asa 14 year old reported beatings by her mother, and when I told her that was abuse her question was "really?" I told her she should go to social services but she "didn't want to get taken away from her parents".

Children that age are not old enough to see what's best for them. They remain out of loyalty, or fear, and sometimes out of what I think is a "better the devil you know" feeling. But I grew up in a house with an abusive father, I know that his behaviour was often excused by me, my siblings and my mother, and it went on and on. He needed help, and after a while, so did we because we began to "accept" the behaviour.

Get your brothers and sister out of there. It's the best thing you can do for them. They aren't old enough to make this decision on their own. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Stay safe.

BB
Lilu

[Kaylara]

Thank you all for your support, I really appreciate it.
My brothers already know that this is not normal, and the say that they hate her. (I can understand this, I felt the same way when I was younger, and at this point, love her only because she is my mother.)
I have told my Grandmother (mom's mom) and my favorite aunt (mom's sister) and they are two of the people in my family who I respect more than just about anyone else. They both talked to me for a long time, and my grandmother even talked to Miles.
The thing is not that they will defend my mother, its that they are shy about talking about this stuff.

I am taking the boys out tonight, and I will talk to them about it, and I will keep you all updated.

Thank you again for being a family that I can talk to this about, and who cares!

*wiping tears away from my eyes*

Kaylara

[Mariposa De La Luna]

Oh Kaylara my heart goes out to you! I'm going to light a candle for your family.

Your mother does sound like she is bipolar or an addict or something. she needs help very badly.

You need to find all the family who you trust and will support you. The easiest way would be if your brothers could be taken from school so there is no need for confrontation but you need to have someone for them to go to. I can tell how much you love them. You will have to be there everyday to hug them and remind them of it. They are going to need some councilling and alot of support. Children are easily talked into things that are not healthy for them so contact with their mother should be supervised. They will also feel tremendose ammounts of guilt but you have to remind them it wasn't thier fault and if their mother hadn't treated them that way they wouldn't have to be dealing with this. This needs to be stopped now so in the future you won't have to worry about your nieces and nefews.

[Fawn]

Please let us know how it goes ok?
Also here's a big cyber hug to you Kaylara -you are hurting too and want you to know that we all are here and care greatly for you .

[gunner]

and another hug from the old granpa

[gunner]

i didn't, thank mithras, have to go through what you are trying to deal with but my mother was a "fundy" type christian (perhaps overreacting to her escapades as a young girl back in the "roaring twenties") while not like your mother mine was not easy to get along with, i finally realised that while i "loved" her i did not really "like" her and i was happiest at a little distance from her. so i "loved" her and respected her as my mother i did so at that little distance. when she passed i honored her at her funeral but shed no tears.

[Swanspirit]

and tell them essentially what you have told us. At least get someone investigating the case.
Removal from the home is difficult and you very well may get your mother some help she desperately needs, not to mention your brothers , who appear to be at the mercy of a woman who is not well , and appears to be out of control.
Another thing I would recommend is getting your brothers some counseling at school, and putting some support systems in place for them, is very important. They need some support because they fear breaking up the family and that is a very real fear. After working with abused kids for many years, I can tell you that SOME family structure, even chaotic and barely discernable , is better than none.
But to stop the physical abuse sometimes all that is needed is to put the adult on notice that someone is investigating , so that is a very real option. My heart goes out to you and am sending healing and comfort and support .
Love and Light
Swannie