LadyLuthien
August 20th, 2007, 06:32 PM
I am currently in to process of moving from WA state to Minneapolis, MN. There's some schools here I have my eye on as well as moving in with my boy friend here. We have plans for marriage later down the road, but really want to test the waters with living together.
Well, that's the short summery. I am going to explain more how this all happened and what the problem is.
I am from Seattle, WA. I love it there with all my heart. Seattle will always be my home. Two years ago my mother moved over to the east side of the state. Which I cannot stand. We live in a small town where there is hardly any hope for me. I am unhappy, I have no chance at my future there. It's pathetic. Last fall I started to date one of my really good friends. I was really afraid to do so because of the fact that I didn't want to be hurt again. But more so, we live a few states away. I knew that the distance thing couldn't last for too long. So, I made the choice of moving there. I weighted out his life against mine, he mad more to loose than I did. I hate where I live. I want a chance to get a hold on my life. I want to go to school. I don't have any friends in WA. Most of Abe's friends are now mine. They've all made me feel very wecome here in MN.
The thing is, we were suppose to do this smarter than this. But I got myself into a bind. Back in January we made this choice. We were going to save up and move in together in the fall. Sounds simple enough. I wish that it was. My job ended up messing me up and starting a whole of crap load of problems. (my old boss gave me sexual harassment for 3 months. I quit. Then he goes and sleeps with my best friend. Get's her pregnant. Yeah. I think I am going insane with all this...) I didn't make enough money really for what I needed to do. I was going to spend a month with him in July so I could look at schools, jobs, places. Abe and I were suppose to figure everything out. My mother offered to help me. But, after I bought my side of the ticket, it turned out I had no way of going back home. My mother cannot help me. She won't even admit to it. I am not mad at her. In fact, I miss her a lot. I am just upset because this all turned out this way. So, I told his family what was going on.
Abe's parents are very Christian. I wasn't raised under any religion. And I am (obviously) Pagan. I don't dare tell them about this because I don't even want to know what will become of me. We didn't really tell his parents that we were moving in together. We're 21. I am not sure why we'd have to. They opened their home up to me. But I have to act like I am something I am not while I am here. My mother raised me to be a good person with good morals. She respects me beliefs, me as a person, and my relationship. (Though, the only reason she doesn't want me to move is because she doesn't want me to be away from her. Which I understand.) This is all completely foreign to me. It's not that I don't want to respect his parents beliefs. They are nice people and they (for the most part) treat me with much kindness. They've opened their home up to me. But at the same time, I cannot even sleep in the same room with him. I have to stay in his sister's room. They tell his relatives that I am his "friend". They constantly remind us that we can't be very close. They are kind when they ask me to do things, but Abe and I are 21. They are trying to ask everyone else if they know if we are moving in together. They don't want us to because of the whole sex before marriage thing and,"What if Daina becomes pregnant". That's not the point. I know it's their son and their beliefs. But it's our lives. I am not ready to be a mother, but if it happened before I was ready, I'd keep the baby and we'd raise it. We've already had this conversation.
So here I am in Minneapolis. Trying to get a job. Feeling alone. Not feeling like myself. I sit in his house all day with no space of my own to just relax. I feel out of place. Living out of a suitcase and not having hardly any clothing or anything to make you feel at home is not easy. I keep wondering when I will have a home of my own. To make matters worse, Abe works a lot. About 13 hours a day, 7 days a week. So pretty much everything I bare, I bare alone. I know I need to go home and get my things. Find some way to move my kitties with me. (They are like my kids.) I miss my family. I want to see them. But I need money. We need to get a place. I would just go back home for a while and sort it out if I could. But our relationship couldn't take the distance right now. I can't leave him. We really need each other right now.
I really don't know what to do. I know it will all work out. But it's the stuff that's in between. I feel ashamed because I can't be strong for him or for me. I keep wanting to just break down. I am waiting for happiness. To feel whole and happy with him. I do when we're together having fun. Or when I think about all the happiness our future will bring. So why can't I just have faith? What the hell is wrong with me?
Well, that's the short summery. I am going to explain more how this all happened and what the problem is.
I am from Seattle, WA. I love it there with all my heart. Seattle will always be my home. Two years ago my mother moved over to the east side of the state. Which I cannot stand. We live in a small town where there is hardly any hope for me. I am unhappy, I have no chance at my future there. It's pathetic. Last fall I started to date one of my really good friends. I was really afraid to do so because of the fact that I didn't want to be hurt again. But more so, we live a few states away. I knew that the distance thing couldn't last for too long. So, I made the choice of moving there. I weighted out his life against mine, he mad more to loose than I did. I hate where I live. I want a chance to get a hold on my life. I want to go to school. I don't have any friends in WA. Most of Abe's friends are now mine. They've all made me feel very wecome here in MN.
The thing is, we were suppose to do this smarter than this. But I got myself into a bind. Back in January we made this choice. We were going to save up and move in together in the fall. Sounds simple enough. I wish that it was. My job ended up messing me up and starting a whole of crap load of problems. (my old boss gave me sexual harassment for 3 months. I quit. Then he goes and sleeps with my best friend. Get's her pregnant. Yeah. I think I am going insane with all this...) I didn't make enough money really for what I needed to do. I was going to spend a month with him in July so I could look at schools, jobs, places. Abe and I were suppose to figure everything out. My mother offered to help me. But, after I bought my side of the ticket, it turned out I had no way of going back home. My mother cannot help me. She won't even admit to it. I am not mad at her. In fact, I miss her a lot. I am just upset because this all turned out this way. So, I told his family what was going on.
Abe's parents are very Christian. I wasn't raised under any religion. And I am (obviously) Pagan. I don't dare tell them about this because I don't even want to know what will become of me. We didn't really tell his parents that we were moving in together. We're 21. I am not sure why we'd have to. They opened their home up to me. But I have to act like I am something I am not while I am here. My mother raised me to be a good person with good morals. She respects me beliefs, me as a person, and my relationship. (Though, the only reason she doesn't want me to move is because she doesn't want me to be away from her. Which I understand.) This is all completely foreign to me. It's not that I don't want to respect his parents beliefs. They are nice people and they (for the most part) treat me with much kindness. They've opened their home up to me. But at the same time, I cannot even sleep in the same room with him. I have to stay in his sister's room. They tell his relatives that I am his "friend". They constantly remind us that we can't be very close. They are kind when they ask me to do things, but Abe and I are 21. They are trying to ask everyone else if they know if we are moving in together. They don't want us to because of the whole sex before marriage thing and,"What if Daina becomes pregnant". That's not the point. I know it's their son and their beliefs. But it's our lives. I am not ready to be a mother, but if it happened before I was ready, I'd keep the baby and we'd raise it. We've already had this conversation.
So here I am in Minneapolis. Trying to get a job. Feeling alone. Not feeling like myself. I sit in his house all day with no space of my own to just relax. I feel out of place. Living out of a suitcase and not having hardly any clothing or anything to make you feel at home is not easy. I keep wondering when I will have a home of my own. To make matters worse, Abe works a lot. About 13 hours a day, 7 days a week. So pretty much everything I bare, I bare alone. I know I need to go home and get my things. Find some way to move my kitties with me. (They are like my kids.) I miss my family. I want to see them. But I need money. We need to get a place. I would just go back home for a while and sort it out if I could. But our relationship couldn't take the distance right now. I can't leave him. We really need each other right now.
I really don't know what to do. I know it will all work out. But it's the stuff that's in between. I feel ashamed because I can't be strong for him or for me. I keep wanting to just break down. I am waiting for happiness. To feel whole and happy with him. I do when we're together having fun. Or when I think about all the happiness our future will bring. So why can't I just have faith? What the hell is wrong with me?