Depression

[Æon Flux]

The depression is back. I feel like I'm spiraling into a deep black hole.
I've had to take time off my new part time job (at my boss' suggestion) and I can barely get out of bed at all. After a few trips to the ER because of anxiety attacks I'm feeling really, really bad because not only is my depression affecting me now but also my parents and my hubby-to-be.

My dad seems to think it's a mix between my living situation (I've been living in a so-called apartment which is about the size of a walk-in closet with a toilet and shower and no real kitchen) and the fact that I'm fairly isolated most of the time.

I don't know why or what it is, but it's no walk in the park. I feel like I'm really really down right now.

My dearest does his best to cheer me up and it does help, but it's really something that is beyond my control. I can't get out of bed, but I can't sleep. Some days I don't eat at all and some days all I do is eat. I'm not really functioning and most of the time I don't want to leave my apartment at all. *shrugs* I just don't really know what to do.

*sighs* Thanks for "listening" to the rant.

[Eternal Night]

Oh hon all i can say is hang in there.......it'll come right in the end.
_pounce_ _pounce_

[Earthy]

Oh Hon..I won't pretend i know how it feels because i dont, but i want to offer you as many :hugz: as you need.

[Brigid Rowan]

Oh my. I can feel your sorrow and overwhelmed-ness so clearly when I read your post. Im no empath, but wow, I really -feel- such a hollow sense of being held under, with no way of reaching the surface..if that makes sense.

Ive never struggled with depression, so I cant really put it into words very well, but your writing really affected me, and deeply.

My only idea of what to say is to take it in smaller doses, take life in smaller doses, dont worry about tomorrow, or next week. One step at a time, one minute at a time. If you can make it through a minute, count it as a small success, and a victory.

Please call someone to help you..a nurse, a doctor, a therapist...someone to help you heal. I'll be thinking of you, and will look back to this thread to see how you are doing.

May you blessed be, tired and weary one. Goddess bless.

~Brigid Rowan

[Annorah]

Sending you positive and healing energies along with a big :hugz:

[imapepper]

Ugh, I've been there, I know how you feel and what you're going through. It's like when Atreyu was stuck in the mud with his horse, that's my visual for depression, and it really is a 'nothingness' within.

I'm sorry you feel so down, and I think your living situation is really a great contributor to your emotions. Small spaces and isolation are not a good recipe for feeling joy, so if you can, and even if you don't 'feel' like it, go out for a walk, visit a park, take a journal with you, sit under a tree, and write what you feel. Heck, draw if you want, even if all you express through image is a dark circle over and over again, it's cathartic giving your feelings an outlet.

Are you in therapy? That pretty much saved my life, but it took a lot of years, a lot of mistakes, a lot of re-opening of old wounds and consequent periods of desperation. If not, you may want to consider it, so that you can start leading a healthy, happy life. You already know depression leads to a lot of nasty things, so do your best now to try and avoid those consequences by getting out there and getting active.

You're a beautiful, smart girl with great qualities, a great guy, and your whole life in front of you. We have a lot of reasons to be sad in life, but since our time here is so limited, we might as well indulge in all the reasons to be happy.

:hugz:

[Cassie]

I think that maybe being with Peacock in Australia and all that came about through that was such a high that being back to the humdrum normality of everyday life is bound to kick off a depressive response...
Try to fight it. Hold on to the fact that you have already taken actions and made decisions which make your future look brighter than ever before.
Take care. Sending you some positive energy. :hugz:

[Brightshores]

:hugz: :hugz: You can get through this...

Is there anyone you can call for help - do you have a therapist or a psychologist? If you do, it might really help you if you made an appointment with him or her.

Other than that - I would suggest that you get out as much as possible - spend some time outside, and spend time with good friends and caring family members. Even if you don't feel like it - being outside and with others will draw you out of yourself and help distract you from your feelings.

I would also suggest that you look in the mirror each morning and say at least one positive thing about yourself. Even "My fiance loves me" or "I have nice eyes" will work. It sounds silly, but it starts the day off on a good note - and that's always a good thing.

If you're into aromatherapy, you might also want to try rose oil, jasmine oil, and neroli oil - and the citrus oils might help too.

I know these things aren't going to be the be-all and end-all cure for depression, but every little bit helps, right? Some of these things helped a friend of mine when he went through depression.

:hugz: to you.. I hope you feel better soon.

[Glowy]

:hugz: i am very sorry you are dealing with this.

[airmist]

The depression is back. I feel like I'm spiraling into a deep black hole... I can't get out of bed, but I can't sleep...I'm not really functioning and most of the time I don't want to leave my apartment at all....Thanks for "listening" to the rant.

Njorun Alma, like others have done already, I will ask my spiritual source to send you strength and help. I presume to speak for the others who have responded, but I am certain none of us think you were "ranting." You honor us by trusting us with such personal pain and a request for help.

I understand the spiraling downwards, knowing it is happening and watching/feeling the uselessness deepen and feed on itself. I know the inability to get out of bed because there was no energy to do so, even if there had seemed to be a reason, which there didn't. I remember the lack of concern for normal events and the inability to feel strong emotions as there was no reason or use. This was while I could intellectually understand what was happening, but could do nothing about it emotionally. And I remember feeling it getting worse as a result of the despair at the depression. Spiraling downwards is so accurate, but doesn't come close to conveying the hopelessness.

I have experienced serious depression such as you describe although it has not been incapacitating in 10 years. But when I do feel it coming on, I still do the same things which saved my life 10 years ago.

I talk to my spiritual source (pray) actually I scream for help. I am not joking; the feelings I recognize still frighten me. I do that first thing in the morning before I get out of bed, if I feel it. Then I make myself get out of bed and proceed at whatever slow pace my energy level will allow. The only thing I use force of will if necessary on is the desire to do nothing. I allow myself to do as little and as slowly as I need, but I don't allow myself to do nothing. I have found that to be the first antidote to the spiraling down. I may take an hour to wash and dress; I may need to sit for 5 minutes to get up the strength to start again. I will allow myself to be as slow, simple, doddering if necessary. I will not allow myself to do nothing. Eating breakfast may take an hour. But I do it. I may not go to work, but I'll do the dishes, if it takes an hour. I hope I am explaining that I do not push myself; I allow myself all of the lack of energy and mental awareness I am suffering. But I won't indulge it. I have found staying in bed is a choice, even if getting up is almost all I can do for half a morning.

I have found it very helpful to talk to close friends and describe to them how I feel. I have good friends who will listen, even if they have no answer. All I need to do is get it out of my head and to connect with another person. I continue to talk to my spiritual source all day as often as I want. And, as I said before, I go through the day trying to do what I can, but being very clear I can do as little as my energy level demands. If I can go to work or the store, I do so. If I can't seem to find the strength, then I go outside for a walk. If it is only 100 yards instead of a mile, I walk the 100 yards. If I need to sit for 10 minutes in exhaustion, I do so. But I walk.

These steps are not cure alls. But they helped me to function at some level and they separate my head from the despair. It becomes more like an outside virus that I know I have, and simply have to outlast. It is not pleasant, but I have found it possible to outwait it. And over some years, it has lessened by 95%. Keep talking about it; we won't get tired of hearing how it is going.

[Doodlebug]

Awww, I'm sorry to hear that your depression is back. I know what it's like to suffer from depression as I have been in the hospital several times for suicidal ideation. It sucks. I hope you get feeling better soon. Prayers being sent up for you.

[willa]

((((Hugs dear))))
I have been there at various times in my life & have had to learn to deal with it without drugs due to allergies. A couple of things that I've learned - look at your diet, if you consuming diet sodas, artificial sweetners & foods laden with preservatives, eliminate them along with wheat, red meat & sugar. Some people are sensitive to them & they can trigger depression. Add more water, fresh fruits & veggies & nuts. You can also add some supplements & vitamins - the B's are important when dealing with depression as well as zinc, calcium, magnesium, vitamin c & selenium.
Sleep is very important when dealing with depression. Try some chamomile tea or any of the sleepy time teas, just be cautious with chamomile if you have ragweed allergies since they are in the same family. A nice, relaxing bath before bed will also help.
Exercise is equally important. Besides taking walks,etc. you might also consider taking up yoga or taichi. I still have my ups & downs but, since starting taichi, I don't have the those depressive states that make it difficult to get out of bed. Friends that I know that do yoga tell me the same thing about it.
And, as others have said, if you're not in counseling, please go. If you decide to try any of the herbal remedies, be sure to tell your counselor what you're taking if s/he gives you any presription medications since there can be interactions. Also, if you're currently taking any medications, you might discuss it with your doctor since depression can be a side effect of some medications.
Make sure you have a good support structure - people that you can go to to talk .
Take care of yourself. There are a lot of people that care for you.

[SweetIsTheTruth]

Everyone here has given you such good advice. I, too, have been where you have been now, although it has been years. I still haven't forgotten how it feels.

In the case of my own depressions, it was inevitably caused by low levels of serotonin in the brain. Lower serotonin levels can be brought on by life changes as well, like divorce or whatever. In other words, it is highly possible that the psychological symptoms you describe can be completely biologically based in what is happening with your brain chemisty. It might be worth it for you to get to a doctor. The medications these days are phenomenal. In my cases, no more than 3 months on an SSRI completely changed my life, as well as my mood.

Also, as someone stated earlier, the B vitamins are extremely important in the regulation of brain chemistry. You can take megadoses of B complex and not over dose, since they are water soluble, so whatever isn't used by the body will be flushed out of your system.

Hang in there. Daylight will come, one way or another.

[blueangel]

I really feel for you because i k now how you feel. Try to spend time with people because it's often worse if you are alone. Best wishes....

[Iris]

I have found that one of the major contributors to depression is a lack of organisation in your day. By this I mean that if you sit around all day doing nothing, you will feel ten times worse than if you got up and did something, no matter how small. When I was a bit younger and going through this, my therapist told me to 'do at least one thing every day you can be proud of...even if it is just tidying the house or talking a walk'. It sounds like such a small thing, but it really made a difference to me. No matter how bad I felt I could say 'Well at least I did X today, and that's something'.

:hugz:

[moonbride]

Oh sweetie... you've gotten some really really good advice here so there's not really much more I can add to that but I did want to offer you a :hugz: and let you know if you ever need to talk, I'm here.

Hang in there hon.

[mystic_zoe]

*hugs* im really sorry to hear that the depression is back!!
just hang in there!!
*hugs*

[wolfjan1]

:hugz: :hugz: :hugz: :hugz:
I am so sorry that this is happening to you again. I know how depressing it can be to feel so very isolated.
I suggest you see a Dr, as soon as possible. Or, if you really feel that self destructive, go to the nearest psych ER. Perhaps your Chemical imbalance needs a more thorough look-see to find the right medications for you.
In the meantime, I would try some time outdoors. I KNOW it is a hard thing to do. It's a good time to do some grounding and centering and shielding yourself from those depressive thoughts. Elise is very good at this, and in fact, holds a class in psychic self protection that might be helpful to you. But that doesn't mean you should forgo medical help. I believe that combining the two is best.
PM anytime. I will get back as soon as possible. But also check in to Elise's classes. she is a kind person and the best at that field.
Bless you and keep you,
wj

[yarrow_elfglow]

:hugz: :hugz: :hugz: :hugz:

[Æon Flux]

Huge thank you's to all of you for the support. I did go to see a shrink thingy and yeah, they think they have a diagnonsense which, if their instincts are correct, will require me to go to individual therapy twice a week and group therapy once a week. Not something I'm looking forward to, but yeah... what the heck can one do?
I barely got half way through my so-called psychological evaluation before the lady with the pen and the papers confessed she thought she new what my "problems" was to be diagnosed as. *sighs* Borderline... apparantly.
The good news is that I won't need any medication if that is the case, which has always been my greatest fear. *sighs*

[Nitefalle]

That really is good news, though. No medication to throw you completely out of whack, so you don't have to play the medication game (this one doesn't work, so let's play musical pills!). You don't have to be hospitalized or put under observation. I've watched two friends go through those extremes and they're not pretty. I am glad that you got some help and you know you can always come on MW to express however you're feeling, without judgement.

[airmist]

Ditto to Nitefalle's comments

[wolfjan1]

:hugz: :hugz: :hugz: So, It IS time for you to spend some time outdoors. Use every bit of strength you have and FORCE yourself to do it. AND you have to get every self preservation cell in your body busy. Are you taking meds for your anxiety and depression? Are you getting counseling? Are you just waiting for the meds to kick in properly?
Light and the sun are VERY good for you when taken in doses. Gravitate to life. Get your garden ready for winter. Paint your little apartment or move. Get a plant and take care of it. Take a walk EVERY day by yourself or with your SO. Get outside of yourself for awhile so you can get back in to yourself. It is imperative that you work on this before you get married. Grounding and centering are important. Give your negative energy to the earth and leave some birdseed or nuts for the squirrels or a shiny decoration for the crook of the tree. Then find your gravitational and emotional center. Ask Elise about this. she is a VERY good source for protection, grounding and centering.
Bless you, and may you find the strength and the support that you need from yourself, your family, your SO and your friends here.

[wolfjan1]

((((Hugs dear))))
I have been there at various times in my life & have had to learn to deal with it without drugs due to allergies. A couple of things that I've learned - look at your diet, if you consuming diet sodas, artificial sweetners & foods laden with preservatives, eliminate them along with wheat, red meat & sugar. Some people are sensitive to them & they can trigger depression. Add more water, fresh fruits & veggies & nuts. You can also add some supplements & vitamins - the B's are important when dealing with depression as well as zinc, calcium, magnesium, vitamin c & selenium.
Sleep is very important when dealing with depression. Try some chamomile tea or any of the sleepy time teas, just be cautious with chamomile if you have ragweed allergies since they are in the same family. A nice, relaxing bath before bed will also help.
Exercise is equally important. Besides taking walks,etc. you might also consider taking up yoga or taichi. I still have my ups & downs but, since starting taichi, I don't have the those depressive states that make it difficult to get out of bed. Friends that I know that do yoga tell me the same thing about it.
And, as others have said, if you're not in counseling, please go. If you decide to try any of the herbal remedies, be sure to tell your counselor what you're taking if s/he gives you any presription medications since there can be interactions. Also, if you're currently taking any medications, you might discuss it with your doctor since depression can be a side effect of some medications.
Make sure you have a good support structure - people that you can go to to talk .
Take care of yourself. There are a lot of people that care for you.
VERY much worth repeating.

[Lady_Door]

:abanana:<- Banana wants you to feel better and so do I. *hugs*

[Lauren Michele]

If you need someone to talk to, please pm me....:hugz::hugz::hugz:

[KiNoRonin]

I have always thought that Depression is Mainly Caused by our being Declared a Godlike Image as put down under Genesis 1, ver 26 to 31 and when it does not turn out to be so, One Feels Depression what One Can Not Reconcile why we are Not Created in a Godlike Image.

In order to have Peace in your Heart, you have to have Peace with being Subordinate with the Earth and Mother Nature.

Let It Be Written, Let It Be Done!

KNR