Emotionly distant

[KylalaKitty]

I am a very emotional person, not as in that I get hurt alot but I allow people to get close to me and vice versa. I accept pleasure and pain. Sh*t happens. Because I am this way, people who are emotionly distant from others confuse me. How can someone say that they really "care" for someone without getting close to them? (talking about relationship wise and friendship wise) How can they say they love someone and be so far away? Whats the point of them even having relationships then?

[wolfjan1]

So many people have shielded themselves from psychic attacks, that it is hard for them to trust anyone. Most likely because they have been attacked so many times that they cannot stand another one.
There are those out there that will hurt just for the sake of hurting. Just to get past your shield and try to blow you away one last time. So, while they are compassionate and caring, they keep themselves protected. I am one of those people. Ans while I can share, it is only to some extent and to a very few people here. I am known, I believe, as a hyperbolic older lady who gives too much advice.
I am not that at all, But that is what a few people here seem to want me to believe.
So, good luck, and give yourself a little shielding before you trust too much.

[aranarose]

I can't help you understand it because I don't really understand it myself. I'm a very open person, leaving myself completely vulnerable in emotional relationships, so when a person is cold and distant it confuses me beyond belief. My husband got that way the last years of our marriage. He said he loved me, said he cared, but he was so distant that I simply didn't FEEL it.

[wolfjan1]

I can't help you understand it because I don't really understand it myself. I'm a very open person, leaving myself completely vulnerable in emotional relationships, so when a person is cold and distant it confuses me beyond belief. My husband got that way the last years of our marriage. He said he loved me, said he cared, but he was so distant that I simply didn't FEEL it.
Being a bit distant is self protection. A person can overcome that while learning to trust. However, If you have already had what you thought was a loving and trusting relationship and that person betrays you, you have to ground and center and shield from that person for a bit and do what you need to do. Then allow yourself to open up to your proven friends. There are a very few people here who know me better than some of my own family. There is a reason for that.

[SweetIsTheTruth]

people who are emotionly distant from others confuse me.

I don't claim to have any ability to help you or anyone else understand this, but I will do the best I can to explain it from the vantage point of one who grew up distant.

In my case, the circumstances of my upbringing REQUIRED I grow up distant. I built a wall inside of me to keep others out. It's nothing but a self protective mechanism to prevent further hurt or rejection. I am not saying it is the best route to go. What I am saying is when you are two years old, you do what you have to do. You don't have the mentality at these ages to question if it will work over the long term. It is possible to stay completely distant the entire time you grow up. To such a person, it is entirely normal. It's all you have ever known so you might even tend to think everyone is this way.

If you carry this modus operandi into adulthood, which I did, you begin to learn it doesn't really work to well, provided you have enough awareness of yourself to connect your actions and reactions to the resulting consequences of being so distant.

I knew something wasn't working at too well by the age of 21, although I had not a clue at that time how my own distancing from others played into that. After peeling back layers and layers of the self, you eventually do come to understand it though. You also have to change some of your thoughts to overcome it, since there is a direct tie between our feelings and thoughts. As an example, consider someone who always finds abusive partners. The thought behind that is the person deserves abuse. That thought must change in order for the associated feelings and desires to change, in order to seek something different.

However, in one sense, distance can always be the 'safety' net for such people. Certain events will tend to lead to withdrawal and distance, in order to feel safe again.

To understand it, consider the feelings of such a person to be a tap like a sink faucet. When they feel safe, the tap will be on full blast and the feelings will be shared. When they feel unsafe, the tap will be barely on or closed completely, and all you see from your standpoint will be the distance.


How can someone say that they really "care" for someone without getting close to them?

Because people can say anything. It doesn't necessarily make it true. In order to determine if they mean it, compare what they say to what they do. (Compare words to actions to see if they agree.) Their distance is about them and how far the tap of their feelings is open or shut. In extreme cases, you may be dealing with someone who grew up totally distant, who hasn't yet undone what their upbringing required of them. If that is the case, it means they don't yet have the ability to open up to anyone, themselves included.

How can they say they love someone and be so far away?

That depends on how good they are with their own tap of feelings. Is their tap on sometimes? Or have you never seen that tap of feelings open at all? If it is the latter case, they are probably incapable of truly sharing themselves with you.


Whats the point of them even having relationships then?

Well all of society screams at us that this is what we are supposed to do. Why if you are not in a relationship, there must be something wrong with you, which, in some cases, can be very true. The problem is, if someone has grown up distant by necessity, and hasn't undone what they learned in their childhood, they think it utterly normal and don't even know it's not working for them. If every relationship you experienced growing up invovled distance, that's the only kind of relationship you think possible or know how to operate in. You won't know it's pointless to enter a relationship, since to you, the distance is completely normal.

[Brigid Rowan]

Hmmm, good replies so far.

I think some of it depends on your need for emotional closeness, some people are wired to really need to bond and feel emotionally at one with others to be happy...some folks seem to only have a few intimate friends, and some people need very little outside emotional attatchment and feel very happy and at peace.

Just like we all have different physical make-ups...we have different inner workings, too.

[greenmoon]

All things being relative your capacity for extending emotional connection may be a lot more than some others, but this doesn't mean that others aren't putting effort into it. For some, just looking another person in the eye takes a lot of energy.