Quiet Contemplations

[Pan]

Demeter, Lady of the Harvest and Lady of the Earth..

You came to me in a dream not so very long ago.. shrouded in mystery and technology. You told me your name and I thought myself Persephone. You held me in your arms and I felt afraid.

Am I your battery? Are you needing me in such a way as to hear the voices of your children as you told me?

Lady Demeter.. Lord Hermes was with you, I took his place. Lord Hermes, God of Communication told me to take his place in the golden chains. I took his place and became your battery.

What is to become of me, Lady Demeter? Am I to be your communication? Am I to be your Voice? Demeter's Voice?

Your appearance does puzzle me, Lady, and I have spoken to many of those that would listen. They all, and my heart, point me to you.. to be your battery.. to be your Communication.

Lord Zeus guided me to you, yet I felt fear at his appearance. He was so old.. in a wheelchair. He frightened me. Lady Demeter, Lord Ares was with me.. protecting me from things that would harm me. Lord Dionysus ran with me, too, though his purpose I do not know.

Lady Demeter, there was a woman with me. Who was she? I never sought her name. You gave me such a powerful vision of you clad in a black leather gown, your shoulders bare to those that would see it, your height immense and your bald head pale. Wires escaped from your scalp and rose into oblivion above.. do those lead to voices?

So many questions for me to find the answers to.

Lady Demeter of the Harvest. Lady Demeter of the Earth.

Am I to be your Lord Hermes?

[Pan]

*Pan tilts back her crimson hat, blue-black plume ruffling in the breeze. She walks to her sacred place, carrying nothing but a lap harp.

*She arrives.. a willow tree with its boughs trailing in the water, the water pure and clear, fish swimming in its depths. Bluegill and trout.. bass and the largest fish in the lake that only came when she did not have it on her mind.

*Sitting between two upraised roots, the woman leans back against the trunk, her crimson hat now tilted at a rakish angle, the point covering one eye, the harp snug in her lap.

*Another day has begun and it is time to greet the day with a smile, no matter how bad she feels*

Good morning willow tree, my old friend. The Lord and Lady are with me today, as they are everyday.

Lord Pan, my light in the darkness, my skipping feet and wily trickster.. I ask that you dance with me this day, the light shimmering against your naked chest, your merry eyes glittering with the new morn. Lift up your heels with me, this I ask you, Lord Pan.. May this day be full of your love for life.. and may I not waste a moment in frivolous activity.

Lady Airmed, my shadow in the morning, my watchful eye and the damper on the dangerous fun.. I ask that you care for me as you do your herbs. Let me learn patience from you and let me grow under your guidance. Let me be able to see what lies ahead that could help.. that could harm. Walk with me, this I ask you, Lady Airmed... May this day be full of your watchful eye and caring hands.. and may I not waste a moment in frivolity.

*Pan sits for a while, staring out at the lake as the sun rises, kissing the grass first, igniting the water second.. and finally embracing her whole body, kissing her face.*

Good morning.

[Pan]

*Pan kneels before the altar she had erected in the bedroom she and her husband share, lighting the cream-coloured Star of David candle.

*Staring at the flame, she lets her thoughts wander to the situation at hand..*

Lord and Lady.. I present to you my Fertility Altar. I will pray each day, meditate each day, on the idea of bearing a child with my husband. May he and I grow to love one another more with each day's passing..

*she stares at the blue and pink candles, spent, inside the cherub candle holders*

I lit those candles earlier today, hoping to be pregnant. I lit two because I have no preference as to the gender of the child I wish to bear.. and I wish to have twins.

As you know, Lord and Lady, I have wanted twins almost my entire life. My grandmother had twins and I wish it so to be with me. Happy, healthy children. I don't know if my request is selfish, but what else can I do? Destinies do not wait for those who would not grasp it.

So I am grasping.

Lord of the Hunt, grant me the magick of fertility.. your cloven hooves kicked up in the jovial dance of love and of lust. Sing for me and my husband as we try to conceive children. Dance 'round the bed, strewing flower petals and seeds.. sea shells and pollen. My Lord Pan.. I ask for your help.

Lady of the Herbs, some of your herbs are harmful during pregnancy and while trying to conceive. I ask you to give me the sharp mind and keen eye to be able to avoid such pitfalls. Grant to me your vast knowledges of the herbs you so care for. My Lady Airmed.. I ask for your help.

I end this small letter, my Diving Couple, in hopes that it has reached you. Thank you for the life and love you have given me.. Thank you for the help you have offered so far. Please, if it what I am ready for, allow me to be pregnant now... I wish for it with all of my heart, my soul, my self.

Your loving daughter...

[Pan]

*Pan lays back on the rolling green grass, the sky slate-grey above her, icy rain sprinkling down*

The sky looks like me, my Divine Couple. I've been sleeping more and more.. doing less and less.. I am sinking into the depression that I once knew so well.

In the last 3 days, I have slept 48 hours. I no longer read books on Wicca and Witchcraft. I no longer peruse the posts on Mystic Wicks. I no longer work on the Coven Community page on MSN.

I have lost all motivation.

My husband sleeps now. He knows something is wrong. He feels it about as much as I do. I feel lost in a fog thick as my blood. I can't see the candleflame before me anymore.

I have lost all motivation.

Lord and Lady, this depression threatens to turn me into a husk like no other. An automaton going about daily tasks of sleeping and relieving myself. I no longer eat.. I have no motivation to eat. I ate only 2 bits of cake, a glass of milk, 5 bites of noodles, and a piece of fish all day yesterday.

Today? 2 Poptarts.

Pan.. where is your joviality? Airmed.. where are your pretty flowers? I feel the perpetual rain pound me.. breaking my bones and crushing my spirit. The fog chokes me and the bottle beckons to be filled.

I need help. But I have lost all motivation.

Help me, then, Mother and Father aspects of the Lord and Lady.. Pan, lend me your kind words.. Airmed.. lend me your comforting arms. I cry silent, dry tears each day now.. wishing for motivation to live.

Help me, then, Pan and Airmed.. to find my motivation. My gumption in life to continue. Help me find my light again.

*Pan lays there, letting the downpour wash over her, plastering her clothes to herself, the rain cleansing her.

*Steam rises from her, and a bottle appears in that small fog.. a bottle with a small creature sitting on it, legs dangling in..*