Unloved and unwanted

[AineDanu]

I have always felt I was on the outside of my family, like I was a guest. My mother always spoke to me of her problems and even as young as five I can remember holding her and trying to tell her things would be better. Trying to solve her problems and make her stop crying.

I know I am ill. I know I was born with a rare disease that was "given" to me by both parents. I know that was hard for them to bear but it is not my fault I seem to attract the rarest and oddest diseases. I have spent my whole life fighting just to keep breathing and have had no one who ever understood. I met a girl on here who does and that helps but she has to many of her own problems and is to far away to lean on to much. Besides right now my problem isnt that.

My father is dead, an alcoholic who told me when I was 18 and he'd just sobered up that he didnt recall me or my life at all. He'd been drunk the whole time. I moved away, he got cancer, I had a few months when I moved back to get to know him and he died. My fathers side of the family has little to nothing to do with me.

My mother is to wrapped up in how everything affects her to care about me. She is distraught because her mother at 75 sold her house, divorced her husband and moved to Vegas to live with family that can help her relax and have fun and enjoy the last years of her life. My mother at 49 feels abandoned and so she has been put on valium and is retreating from life acting as if Grandma's going means Mom cannot survive. My mother is also constantly complaining about how hard my illness is on her, how she cant bear the guilt of it and how I am never to have kids because i might die and she'd rather have me than a grandkid, she told my sister who had two difficult pregnancies to stop having kids because she needs Jenny not grandkids and of course my youngest sister having downs is my moms fault because she was to old when she had her, or because her and her bf were druggies or because of this or that. Everything is about her.

This week i had an allergic reaction to a new medicine I started. I was so violently ill I passed out while vomiting and hit my head, a couple different times. I was weak and couldn't hardly make it back to my bed. My mother said she was busy but wanted my aunt to take me to ER. I told her I needed to rest for at least a half hour to stop my head spinning and try to build up strength to go. She said ok. She left and I havent seen her since. Nor have I spoke to her. WHen I woke up many hours had passed and no one was here. My Grandmother paid for an apt for my mom, a one bedroom so there was no room for me to go too. It was so my sister can stay in her special school for Downs and could continue with people she is comfortable especially with such huge changes all at once. My mom took some of her stuff and some ofmy sisters, had her sister pack up a bunch more stuff and went to stay two days early at her new apt. No calls to see if I was ok, no one to take me to ER like I was told. nothing. Then I also found out that while it's tiny and no room for me - mom was moving her sister in with her.

The sister who wiped out my entire savings because she wouldnt get help when her husband kicked her out and my mom forced me to let her live in my home. I had to pay for there gas, food, rent, cigs, everything they wanted. WIth no help around house, with being ill and needing to go to drs and hospital all the time they wiped me out. Now they have abandoned me completely. Didnt even show up to take me to dr today.

They took all the furn except one broken chair. They are apparently coming back for the rest soon, everything they can find a way to claim. Only Mom wont come over. She sends her sister and strangers over. KNOWING I cannot stand having people I dont know in my home. SOmehow in all this even my sister has quit talking to me. I dont know why. I know her baby is ill and she's had a tough time with her but she has time to go places for fun and she calls her friends and mom but I didnt even know my niece was facing surgeries and in the ER several times til a week later. I call but no return calls.

I dont understand any of this. I swear i've not done or said anything to these people but they have all turned their backs on me. I've done everything I could to help them even loaning them large sums of money and telling them not to pay me back as I knew how badly they needed it - when I got my social security settlement. Ive been selling everything I can to raise money to cover rent or food or utilities for my place because of that and because no body who lived here would help me. Not my mom nor my aunt.

Now they are gone and i'm alone. No phone calls no visits no explanations. Just bills they still expect me to pay for them like the cell phone I got Mom as part of my family plan that she made the bill 300 this month. Her car insurance etc.

I have no money, I have no friends, I have no family. I am completely unwanted and unloved and I dont know why. What is so very bad about me? What makes me so useless to everyone?

All I want is to help people, to have a family who loves me and a home. I would love to have friends, a partner, children but I guess that is not for me I am not worth that kind of happiness. Thats the only thing I can figure out. What can I do?

I wish I could phrase this better, I come out sounding so whiny and stupid but im to upset to think properly. I am sorry for pestering ya'll. I should just delete this entry and accept that i am now and always will be alone.

[Catiana]

:hugz:

[SilverClaw]

:hugz: wish I lived closer to ya and ya know what this comment here

I am not worth that kind of happiness is not true I know it may hard to see beyond that but you are worth it :hugz:

[Willow Rosette]

Honey you and I have talked about this before but you deserve total happiness. I wish there was something more I could do to help but you know I am here to listen and offer love and :hugz: whenever you need them.

[Lauren Michele]

You are not alone :hugz:

[Annest]

_pounce_

[Kahlil the Heretic]

If you lived close by I'd be treating you to dinner. _pounce_

[AineDanu]

You guys are very sweet. Thank you. It just seems that each day brings a new hurt, a new way for them to show how little they care. I want to move away from here. Maybe if I am gone from their lives they will be happy and maybe I can find some peace and maybe even a friend or two without them clouding my life.

I only hesitate because I hate leaving my youngest sister she is so sweet. So loving and has had so many people walk out of her life. She is only 8 and has downs and was dumped by her dad for it. Now shes lost her Grams, aunt and Gradnpa, her home (both Grams and mine) and is losing me all in a weeks time. I dont want to hurt her even more emotionally by perm leaving at a very bad time.

I really dont know what to do. It doesnt matter. Thank you for being such caring considerate people.

[Myzterio]

_pounce_ You know, I'm actually impressed... You seem like such a kind, loving person! I... Wow. I'm not a bad guy or anything, but you're just good.
You call the others in here 'caring considerate people', but you yourself are likely more caring and more considerate.

In fact, from the sound of things, too caring and considerate, perhaps. Maybe you should start putting yourself first from now on - you deserve it! - and try to say 'no' to your family. They can take care of themselves, and shouldn't lean on you so much.
Make a plan, save up some money, and move away - this will give your little sister some respite, at least. And perhaps, if you save a bit longer, you could pay her a cellphone and just ring her up once in a while, or just go over to see her. It might not be so often, but sometimes siblings just have to miss one another after one of them moves out of the house. All you can do about that is just going over to see her, calling, and things like that.

Just try living for yourself for once, really, you deserve it! :hugz:

[Brightshores]

:hugz: You are definitely not alone. For what it's worth - I kind of know how you feel, although I don't have siblings or serious illness from my family, alcoholism has destroyed whatever family I have. My mother sounds a lot like yours - completely self-obsessed and self-absorbed. I don't have any relationship with my mother's or dad's side of the family any more - just my half-brother, who doesn't speak to any of them either.

Stay strong - know that YOU are the sane ones and THEY are the crazy ones. Try to distance yourself and build a life for yourself - don't get caught up in their melodramatic insanity. If you want to move - move. (Don't move for them, though - I think that they will likely continue to be miserable whether you stay or go - but you may well be able to find peace in a new place.) Surround yourself with people who respect you and care for you. Often times, we can find our own families when the ones which we were given at birth fail us. As you say - none of this is your fault. You can get through this, and you can find a life that fulfills you. :hugz:

:hugz: If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me.

[Annorah]

You sound such a kind and loving person - I really hope that you soon find someone worthy of that love.

Please try being a little bit more selfish - these people have made the choice to treat you the way they have and they are not entitled to your support. You have a RIGHT to be happy, loved and treated decently.

Sending positive and loving energies your way - remember you are not alone (you have friends here) and my PM box is always open.

:hugz:

[Lady_Saslic83]

Hey Hun, when I read that I was just like she is such a loving kind and decent person, liek most people have said you need to start putting yourself first. And if you ever need to talk we are all here for you.

:hugz:

[Kahlil the Heretic]

Yes, most people would be incredibly bitter after enduring what you've gone through, and despite all of it you are stubbornly kind...I admire you, your quiet Truth endures the fiercest tempest. Just don't let people walk all over you, kindness and weakness are two different things.

Never forget that you can be both kind and strong.

[BlackLili]

So deeply sympathetic for you...I'm sorry that your family has turned away. Many hugs and blessings, and know that you are noticed and loved here.

[wolfjan1]

OK, there is a large amount of things that you can do, it just takes time. First, Since you are disabled, you need to talk to Social security and the adult protective services citing these persons for taking advantage of you.
Also, If you feel that your sister is being abused, and she also receives state or federal services, call child protective services to determine if her funding is being used by family members and she has the proper food and shelter, with no signs of fear or abuse from the family members. They have to account for every penny of her funding and care.
You have to really be dedicated to this cause, and you have to do something to take care of yourself AND your sister. Go through the system, and sue them for the monies they did not return. Once they have been investigated and served with papers for a lawsuit. They might take notice. In the meantime, you are going to have to build your own family and circle of friends, not ONLY here, but out in the world. And NEVER loan ANYBODY any money again, you don't have it to lend it.
Bless you and many hugs with much strength for your ordeal.

[aluokaloo]

:hugz: :hugz: :hugz: never alone.

[willa]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. While the circumstances are different for me, the outcome is very much the same. My family will have nothing to do with me because of beliefs, they are very fundie xtian & of course, since I don't believe, they're convinced I'm the spawn of satan. It takes time but you can make friends & there is nothing wrong with being discriminating. Find friends that provide positive & healthy relationships. I know it sounds cliche' but be true to who you are, find love & happiness within yourself & it will come to you. You have to take care of yourself & your needs first, both emotional & physical so don't feel at all guilty about being selfish. By continuing to pay their bills & loaning them money you continue to enable them & allow them to continue to hurt yourself in the process. You can't buy their love or acceptance, (I know, been there, done that).
If you have access to it, you might consider counseling to help you through this process & as someone else said, if you suspect that your sister is being abused or neglected, report them.
You deserve to be happy but no one else can do it for you - you have to do it yourself. All we can do is share our experiences & thoughts with you - but, that's what friends are for & you have plenty here.
Blessings & you will be in my thoughts.

[Lorrie]

I have been wondering how it was going for you, haven't run into you here in a really long time, I was worried about how you were! I see you are still hanging in there and doing the best you can as always. There is alot of great advice here, and we are always here for you. Take it one thing at a time, and do the best you can, these posts should help you feel that you still can have some control of the situation, I know how much even that little bit helps.

[AineDanu]

I am in counseling. Due to my physical pain my pain specialist requires that I get counseling. I found a wonderful understanding guy who I feel really cares about me but right now he is having alot of probs and is out of office alot. Im supposed to see him at least every other week but lately its been once a month to once every six weeks. His mother died and his wife got transfered to Spain for two years. He has had the funeral and of course getting his wife moved and visiting her. He told me that if needed I can call one of his associates during his absence if I need to talk to someone.

I know that I have to start putting myself first I was just always taught to do everything you can to help family and always put them first and its so hard to stop. It feels like if I can't or don't help them then I am betraying them and then when they act as they do towards me I feel as if I deserve it for not being good enough to them or for them.

I thank all of you for your thoughts and kindness. Some of you say that I am so kind and giving but that cannot be true. I get so very angry and hurt at them sometimes and I should be able to accept them for who they are and not let it hurt me.

Everytime I start feeling good about myself, happy with myself, they do something like this and I start wondering whats wrong with me that no one wants me around or loves me and then I stop doing the things that matter to me. I have been working on getting ordained through witchschool for over two years because of all the times i've been "blocked" and unable to conentrate. That is something that means everything to me. It's very very important to me just as is activism actions for the animals and people rights and environment which i also just seem to stop doing. I thought about looking into emergency or foster care providing for kids since nobody would ever want a kid with me at least I could help kids in this way and love them. I dunno.

THank you all for your kindness and caring - having friends here really helps. Knowing that someone somewhere is willing to waste their time reading my whining and to respond with a hug or caring response is just truly amazing. You are the most wonderful amazing people and i'm grateful to all of you for sharing your light with me.

[aluokaloo]

I am in counseling. Due to my physical pain my pain specialist requires that I get counseling. I found a wonderful understanding guy who I feel really cares about me but right now he is having alot of probs and is out of office alot. Im supposed to see him at least every other week but lately its been once a month to once every six weeks. His mother died and his wife got transfered to Spain for two years. He has had the funeral and of course getting his wife moved and visiting her. He told me that if needed I can call one of his associates during his absence if I need to talk to someone.

I know that I have to start putting myself first I was just always taught to do everything you can to help family and always put them first and its so hard to stop. It feels like if I can't or don't help them then I am betraying them and then when they act as they do towards me I feel as if I deserve it for not being good enough to them or for them.

I thank all of you for your thoughts and kindness. Some of you say that I am so kind and giving but that cannot be true. I get so very angry and hurt at them sometimes and I should be able to accept them for who they are and not let it hurt me.

Everytime I start feeling good about myself, happy with myself, they do something like this and I start wondering whats wrong with me that no one wants me around or loves me and then I stop doing the things that matter to me. I have been working on getting ordained through witchschool for over two years because of all the times i've been "blocked" and unable to conentrate. That is something that means everything to me. It's very very important to me just as is activism actions for the animals and people rights and environment which i also just seem to stop doing. I thought about looking into emergency or foster care providing for kids since nobody would ever want a kid with me at least I could help kids in this way and love them. I dunno.

THank you all for your kindness and caring - having friends here really helps. Knowing that someone somewhere is willing to waste their time reading my whining and to respond with a hug or caring response is just truly amazing. You are the most wonderful amazing people and i'm grateful to all of you for sharing your light with me.

ainedanu, i know i speak for everyone when i say that we are not wasting our time, lending our ears, hearts, arms, and sleeves to listen to you and support you.

[Myzterio]

You are kind, compassionate and caring. Your actions tell me that much. These feelings you have, they're normal - I get pissed off at and hurt even by my SO (although admittedly usually not for a good reason, which it is in your case), even though I love her more than anything in the world.

That's nothing to beat yourself up over, it happens to everyone. And you have a very good reason to get upset, because they're the ones betraying you. After everything you've done, this is the way they treat you.

If they make you feel like you're the one betraying them, or if they spark a guilt trip on you, you need to cut off contact with them enough so that they can't. Just don't give them the chance.

And, ainedanu, I don't really know you personally, but I don't see why no one would want to have children with you. There are plenty of people who can see past your physical problems (which I'm guessing are the reason you think this?) and look at your wonderful personality. Heck, you don't even have to settle for 'just anyone'... I mean, just look at who I was able to land (Laoghaire) ;) Just remain on the look-out, without seeming desperate. Don't go looking for potential boyfriends, go looking for potential friends. And keep your chin up!

You deserve so much more than this! _pounce_

[mayu]

I should just delete this entry and accept that i am now and always will be alone.

you are not alone, you have everyone that has replied in this thread.

i cannot even begin to tell you how much i felt the way you did 6 months ago, my life has had no where near as much heartache as yours but, i know the feeling of being unloved and its devestating.

you are loveable, you are wanted. if you ever need to talk pm me or bell me on yahoo, please._pounce_

[SilverClaw]

I know that I have to start putting myself first I was just always taught to do everything you can to help family and always put them first and its so hard to stop I sooo know how that is like but ya know what if I can do it so can you hehe yes I am being a pain in the butt, but it is true it will happen and you will feel better for it when you do accomplish doing it. :hugz:



Knowing that someone somewhere is willing to waste their time reading my whining and to respond with a hug or caring response is just truly amazing. You are the most wonderful amazing people and i'm grateful to all of you for sharing your light with me.
If it is helping you release some of your stress and being their for you is a waste of time well then it is gladly done .... :lol: gee I hope that came out right :) Anyways here is another :hugz: just cause :)

[AineDanu]

You are all wonderful people and if only you were my family I would feel blessed. I do know I have to start seperating myself from all of them. It is time to move on with my life. It is just ultra scary to do so when you have all of my health concerns added to it. On the other hand, if I got away from the stress and strain of them then maybe my health would improve and I could stop all the antidepressants, narcotics, sleepagents and etc. Maybe I could find a way to live the simple peaceful life i've always wanted, filled with animals and children and books.


Thank you all with all of my heart for being who you are.
Thank you all for caring about me and for not letting me fall through the cracks of life and disappear until I withered away.
Thank you for the laughter you brought to me. That helped as much as the acceptance and love.

Karina aka AineDau

[Willow Rosette]

:hugz: We ARE family. We are chosen family!

[Earthy]

The family i chose is much better than the one i was born into :hugz:

[SilverClaw]

It is time to move on with my life. It is just ultra scary to do so when you have all of my health concerns added to it. On the other hand, if I got away from the stress and strain of them then maybe my health would improve and I could stop all the antidepressants, narcotics, sleepagents and etc.

As for the antidepressants I know for myself that getting away from the people that caused the negativity and stress did help me and I do hope that it will help you. It may not erase all the pain and problems but it would help immensely :)


Thank you for the laughter you brought to me. :D Well you do know what they say laughter is the best medicine :D :hugz:

[willa]

The family i chose is much better than the one i was born into :hugz:

Perfectly put!!

[Laurestine]

I thought someone wanted you around, and loved you.

I thought distance is only what we make it. That it meant nothing.

I thought you had someone to talk to. But you never did.

I thought we do choose our family.

I thought there was more.

You say everyone turned their backs, when you did the same. To the one person you meant everything to.

A little second hand faith. Time to move on.

I thought you had family.

Yet I lost mine. Turns out we were both wrong.

[Xander67]

:hugz:

[ravenmyst]

never would talking with you be a waste of time, people could learn so much from you, :hugz:

[AineDanu]

I dont know how things are going to turn out. I dont know what choices are open to me but I know there are some and I will find them. I have to:) I have to many people telling me im a good person and if thats true then I have to find a way to keep doing good and i can only do that with choices, a future, and as always your wonderful support.

Thank you for caring, for helping. Thanks for letting me know that people pay attention, care, and want to help even when everyone that SHOULD care turns their backs on you.

[Myzterio]

I dont know how things are going to turn out. I dont know what choices are open to me but I know there are some and I will find them. I have to:) I have to many people telling me im a good person and if thats true then I have to find a way to keep doing good and i can only do that with choices, a future, and as always your wonderful support.

Thank you for caring, for helping. Thanks for letting me know that people pay attention, care, and want to help even when everyone that SHOULD care turns their backs on you.

Yay, go you! :spinnysmi

[SilverClaw]

WE tell you that your a good person because that is what you are :)
:hugz: to you and energy sent to help aid you in the decisions that need to be made, for your happiness and peace :D :hugz:

[Lady_Door]

If you need someone to talk to, give me a PM. You shouldn't be paying your mother's bills. She's a grown woman. You need to take care of you first and foremost.
Don't be afraid to turn to the people here. I'm sure everyone is willing to help in any way that we can. :hugz:

[Lorelei of the Mists]

.

[Tifa Lockhart]

I have always felt I was on the outside of my family, like I was a guest. My mother always spoke to me of her problems and even as young as five I can remember holding her and trying to tell her things would be better. Trying to solve her problems and make her stop crying.

I know I am ill. I know I was born with a rare disease that was "given" to me by both parents. I know that was hard for them to bear but it is not my fault I seem to attract the rarest and oddest diseases. I have spent my whole life fighting just to keep breathing and have had no one who ever understood. I met a girl on here who does and that helps but she has to many of her own problems and is to far away to lean on to much. Besides right now my problem isnt that.

My father is dead, an alcoholic who told me when I was 18 and he'd just sobered up that he didnt recall me or my life at all. He'd been drunk the whole time. I moved away, he got cancer, I had a few months when I moved back to get to know him and he died. My fathers side of the family has little to nothing to do with me.

My mother is to wrapped up in how everything affects her to care about me. She is distraught because her mother at 75 sold her house, divorced her husband and moved to Vegas to live with family that can help her relax and have fun and enjoy the last years of her life. My mother at 49 feels abandoned and so she has been put on valium and is retreating from life acting as if Grandma's going means Mom cannot survive. My mother is also constantly complaining about how hard my illness is on her, how she cant bear the guilt of it and how I am never to have kids because i might die and she'd rather have me than a grandkid, she told my sister who had two difficult pregnancies to stop having kids because she needs Jenny not grandkids and of course my youngest sister having downs is my moms fault because she was to old when she had her, or because her and her bf were druggies or because of this or that. Everything is about her.

This week i had an allergic reaction to a new medicine I started. I was so violently ill I passed out while vomiting and hit my head, a couple different times. I was weak and couldn't hardly make it back to my bed. My mother said she was busy but wanted my aunt to take me to ER. I told her I needed to rest for at least a half hour to stop my head spinning and try to build up strength to go. She said ok. She left and I havent seen her since. Nor have I spoke to her. WHen I woke up many hours had passed and no one was here. My Grandmother paid for an apt for my mom, a one bedroom so there was no room for me to go too. It was so my sister can stay in her special school for Downs and could continue with people she is comfortable especially with such huge changes all at once. My mom took some of her stuff and some ofmy sisters, had her sister pack up a bunch more stuff and went to stay two days early at her new apt. No calls to see if I was ok, no one to take me to ER like I was told. nothing. Then I also found out that while it's tiny and no room for me - mom was moving her sister in with her.

The sister who wiped out my entire savings because she wouldnt get help when her husband kicked her out and my mom forced me to let her live in my home. I had to pay for there gas, food, rent, cigs, everything they wanted. WIth no help around house, with being ill and needing to go to drs and hospital all the time they wiped me out. Now they have abandoned me completely. Didnt even show up to take me to dr today.

They took all the furn except one broken chair. They are apparently coming back for the rest soon, everything they can find a way to claim. Only Mom wont come over. She sends her sister and strangers over. KNOWING I cannot stand having people I dont know in my home. SOmehow in all this even my sister has quit talking to me. I dont know why. I know her baby is ill and she's had a tough time with her but she has time to go places for fun and she calls her friends and mom but I didnt even know my niece was facing surgeries and in the ER several times til a week later. I call but no return calls.

I dont understand any of this. I swear i've not done or said anything to these people but they have all turned their backs on me. I've done everything I could to help them even loaning them large sums of money and telling them not to pay me back as I knew how badly they needed it - when I got my social security settlement. Ive been selling everything I can to raise money to cover rent or food or utilities for my place because of that and because no body who lived here would help me. Not my mom nor my aunt.

Now they are gone and i'm alone. No phone calls no visits no explanations. Just bills they still expect me to pay for them like the cell phone I got Mom as part of my family plan that she made the bill 300 this month. Her car insurance etc.

I have no money, I have no friends, I have no family. I am completely unwanted and unloved and I dont know why. What is so very bad about me? What makes me so useless to everyone?

All I want is to help people, to have a family who loves me and a home. I would love to have friends, a partner, children but I guess that is not for me I am not worth that kind of happiness. Thats the only thing I can figure out. What can I do?

I wish I could phrase this better, I come out sounding so whiny and stupid but im to upset to think properly. I am sorry for pestering ya'll. I should just delete this entry and accept that i am now and always will be alone.

*many hugs and supportive thoughts for you*

I totally understand and relate to your feelings here. I know that it is tough to deal with such things. One thing I learned from someone was that It always rains the hardest on those who deserve the sun.

if ever you are in need or just want to talk p.m. me. you're not alone... I am right there with you. _pounce_

[Glowy]

:hugz:

[Willow Rosette]

AineDanu, How are you doing???? :hugz:

[SilverClaw]

Ya any updates? :hugz: and many more when needed.

[Seraph BloodStone]

You, as well as all of Gaia'Brahman's creation, deserve to love and be loved regardless of anything....

[BlueMoon13]

Everytime I start feeling good about myself, happy with myself, they do something like this and I start wondering whats wrong with me that no one wants me around or loves me and then I stop doing the things that matter to me.



Feel good about yourself. I know it's something that is easier said than done. I used to associate with people for whom I did a lot because I cared for them-ALL of them- and got very little in return but abuse. No support, no loyalty, nothing but abuse of mulitple kinds-physical, emotional, and spiritual. Although I have not associated with some of these people for years, they continue to attempt to use me as their whipping boy and ready made excuse and reason for their continued bad behaviours. Just like the people you are dealing with.

I will give you the advice I got from a dear friend:"You've spent your whole life fixing people, break a few. You'll cry a little at first, but you'll get over it." Now, I don't know if any of these people actually deserve "breaking", but they will act like YOU are the one that has done something to THEM. Do not listen to them! If they say horrible things about you, try and make yourself an outside observer of the situation: why would these people treat that kind, considerate woman in such a horrible way? What has she done to deserve it? You will see, that she (you) haven't done anything to deserve the abuse, and that they are in fact the miserable, selfish sacks of excrement for treating you that way.

Always keep in mind, many people who act like that are broken, and cannot be fixed, no matter how hard you try, and you will only drain your own resources trying to do so. Do the things that matter to you, even if you have to force yourself. It's the only way to preserve your own identity, rather than letting others define you by their twisted vision of who you are.

[AineDanu]

It's funny the pain dr I see has made me feel like crap so many times in the past but the one thing she has always done is listened to me. I never really noticed that until today when I started crying in her office as she asked how my month was. As I told her all that had gone on, as I explained how my family has stopped all contact with me, she told me that I needed to stop blaming myself for them hurting me. That they had no right to keep abusing me in the ways they do. SHe said that I have done so very much for them that it was time I let them go and found people who were good for me. She has said all along she feels my mother has serious mental problems and I couldn't help but agree. She also kept pointing out that I had a major lung disease and my mother wouldnt stop smoking in front of me. She pointed out that all along my mother has used my youngest sister as a way to force me to heel. If I didnt do as she wanted, if I disagreed, she kept me from seeing to her or speaking to her for weeks to months at a time.

I still dont know why i've been disowned or what not. I didnt even know if I would have transport to this appointment. I left messages on my mothers and sisters phones asking if someone was taking me and the aunt called me to tell me she would be taking me. I made sure to put gas in the van and pay for her dinner so they couldnt say I was taking advantage of their good nature or whatever in taking me to the dr and the store afterwards.

The doctor has decided to ask another to see me. Someone who specializes in pain as well as migraines and who is wellknown for his surgical remedies. She feels I should have surgery for my pain/migraines. She has so far suggested I have three surgeries done during my last two appointments. She also said that if this doctor is willing then she will turn me over to him completely but so far every doc she has tried to send me to, even just consults, has refused to see me for being to complicated. I think she feels this guy may take me out of curiosity. Ya know, to see if he can succeed where everyone else has failed.

I dont know if I having things implanted into my head to send differing currents to my brain is something I am comfortable with.

My aunt wanted to know what the risks were, if they were more than just the normal ones for being put under, I told her it didnt matter for at least then you'd go without pain, asleep. She wanted me to tell her I didnt mean it, but I wouldnt. I'm not going to start lying now just to please her. I do think about it, I just dont want to face all this crap again in the next go round so I guess that keeps me here.

anyway, some days are better than others but I am trying to remember all the positive thoughts and people here when i get overwhelmingly sad.

[Willow Rosette]

:hugz:

Arent there programs to help people who dont drive get to appointments? Maybe your Dr would know that way you dont have to ask your family for help?? Either way honey you know where to find me if you need someone to listen.

[E. Shadowblade]

All I can do is mimic all the wonderful people who have posted before me.

You do not deserve the treatment you are recieving at the hands of your "family". We have all dealt with some form of depression/anger/resentment/etc. at one time in our lives...that is what allows us to empathise with you, and offer you all the hugs and kind words that we do. None of us feel as though we are wasting our time or anything else by listening to you. You are here in this community amongst some of the truest friends I have never met. There is always someone around waiting in the shadows to jump out and hug you when you need it the most...and think that no one is there.

As with everyone else...my PM box is open if you need it, and I am on at all sorts of random times.

_pounce_ :hugz: :smoochypo :huddle:

[SilverClaw]

I see you so I thought I would send you some more :hugz: _pounce_