Being honest with myself.

[Rachel]

This is the second time I've posted for some kind of advice or energy in the last few months. My life isn't usually this insane-- I promise-- it just seems like once one problem surfaces the rest pop out of nowhere. I apologize if I sound whiny, none the less. To spare everyone this is the super short and sweet version.

Recently, I realized that I was a lesbian (or somewhere along that continuum)... and that I've been attracted/in love/wanting a relationship with my best friend of 3 years for a long time now. Yes, "realize" is a funny word to use, but it's accurate. It's amazing how capable we are of lying to ourselves and misplacing emotions. Amazing is a strange word to use there, too.

So after I picked myself up off the floor I had a talk with a very good and loved mentor of mine. Basically, the place we arrived at together was that I need to tell my friend why I've been acting so upset and taking out my anger on her these last few months. Yes, I've been having troubles at home, yes I'm stressed about senior year-- but we've been talking through a cement wall to each other about the actual problem. I've been feeling insecure in the relationship, unloved, undervalued, and not appreciated. She's been feeling like I get mad over nothing, and to make me happy she'll have to turn into a completely different person.

Really, I'm asking why she won't love me like a girlfriend. And she's telling me that she can't, because she can't love me like that. If this were a television movie, the realization would take place dramatically before the commercial break. Go get some popcorn, folks.

So the place I'm at now is A) getting rid of the guilt for having these feelings in the first place, B) deciding whether to tell her or not, and C) how I'm going to handle things after I tell her. I don't want to put her into the position of having to tell me that she doesn't see me like that, because I already know, and it would hurt too much hearing her say it directly. I don't want to appear confronting, or demanding. I don't want her to be disgusted by me, or feel deceived. I don't want to ruin or change the friendship we have, but that seems inevitable.

I just want to feel better about myself. I want to recognize and own these emotions I've been trying to explain away for the past year or so. I want to feel like I'm being honest with myself and the world. I need to feel like there's nothing wrong with me for having these feelings, and to do that I can't harbor them anymore.

[Snapdragon]

There are threads here devoted to LGBT themes, including at least one that is specifically a support/come-on-inside type; why don't you be less lazy than I am, do a Search and find one of those threads...my guess is that you'll find congenial company and maybe some useful ideas.

Good luck and Blessed Be.

[Brightshores]

I don't have any similar experiences or knowledge of how to deal with this sort of thing... but I did want to send you some :hugz: and support... I do hope that you find a way through that allows you to feel comfortable with who you are, and work things out with your best friend.

:hugz: :hugz:

[Sun Sprite]

Something similiar, yet dramatically different: when I was in high school, 15 or more years ago, I was sur I was in love with two of my male best friends, and later came to find out they were a couple themselves, and I was the only girl they could stand to be around. That was one confusing moment when I realized that.

Other than a funny story, I have nothing to help you. Whatever you decide to do, may it be for th best.

Best wishes!

[Annorah]

Sorry, I cannot offer any advice to help you with this but I am sending positive and comforting energies your way along with a big :hugz:

May you find the answers you seek!

[Shatril]

Regardless of how you feel, at least you know you feel something. Telling her that she is the object of your affection may in fact drive her away. On the other hand, it may bring you to a place where you aren't beating yourself up for how you feel. There isn't much that is rational in how one feels. You just have to examine all the aspects, and then decide how to handle it. I'm always one to feel that it is important to be honest, not just with others, but with yourself. Whatever you decide, the only thing you can control here is yourself, and your reaction to what happens. We can speculate 'til hell freezes over, but until you actually act there is not way to know for certain.

Be honest with her, and if you are satisfied with just a friendship with her, and you can act like a friend rather than a lover (which is how you are acting now), then tell her so. If you can't then you need to walk away if she reacts badly. Real love is accepting a person for who they are. Romantic love is wanting to possess a person and make them into the object of your desire.

I hope things work out for you (((((((Sending Energy for the best possible outcome))))

:hugz: and Love
Shatril

[Terra Mater]

<snipped>

I just want to feel better about myself. I want to recognize and own these emotions I've been trying to explain away for the past year or so. I want to feel like I'm being honest with myself and the world. I need to feel like there's nothing wrong with me for having these feelings, and to do that I can't harbor them anymore.
Pardon me for sounding like a mother for this response, but I cannot be anything else. I had this talk with one of my own children not too long ago (she is about two years younger than you are). Maybe the discussion we had will help you.

First let's try and recognize these emotions. If you are sure that this is a LGBT, then moving your question there would be a good idea, but the mother in me sees in the wording that this is more a growth issue than a LGBT issue. This is why mothers tell daughters to leave love for later in life. Its complicated and confusing even when you think its simple.

What exactly do you love about this person? You don't have to tell me, just think about it. Are they confident in themselves, more assured in their actions? Maybe the love you feel for this person is admiration. Do you desire to be much of what they are and love them for being it and for being around you? Have you known this person for awhile? Maybe the love you feel for this person is familiarity, being known and accepted and cherished. Do you lack acceptance in other areas of your life?

This is not a judgement, its just an explanation of the kind of questions you should be asking yourself to help sort through your confusion. No two loves we have are ever the same and each is borne of a single trait that triggers a specific response in us.

As for the guilt you feel, why do you feel guilty for loving someone? You love who you love. What is wrong with the person you love? As you are in your senior year, you are nearing the end of your "protected" life. You are going out into the adult world and it is your opinion of what you are doing that should be affecting your judgement. So why do you feel guilty? (Hint, the answer to this question has nothing to do with your parents, your friend, or any outside source).

Guilt is an emotion built out of shame. Shame and love cannot co-exist. Until you can reconcile this, you should not talk to your friend. Are you ashamed because you and she are the same gender? Why? Personally, if my offspring is still in high school, I would rather hear that they were dating within their gender than hear that they were pregnant, addicted to drugs, or getting jumped into a gang.

As for telling your friend, tell her only the simple explanation and see where it leads. Tell her you are going through a rough time and having some confusion. Tell her that part of the confusion is that you feel that discussion with her at this point would do more harm than good to the relationship, and you value the relationship too much. See where it goes from there.

If its going to end, better sooner than later, but if you take a little more time and work on sorting out your own thoughts a bit more, I have confidence that you will find a way to minimize the damage a lot both to yourself and to the friendship.

Hope it helps!_pounce_

[Kahlil the Heretic]

I need to feel like there's nothing wrong with me for having these feelings

There isn't.

[Pagan Warrior]

I believe Terra has provided some wonderful insight, and let me add by proposing a question that perhaps you should consider and dig deep to answer. Are you truely in love with her? Or are you in love with the idea of being in love and she is the most familiar (and perhaps safe) person you have in you life that you can project those feelings towards?

That aside, what you need to do is try and find closure on this issue. If that means you sit you friend down and discuss your feelings then do so. If she becomes uncomfortable and distant then dare I say she really isn't that good of a friend after all.