Harmony in the home..

[LadyWillow]

So, I'm having a bit of a situation right now and it's rather frustrating. To understand it all, I'll have to give you some background info. I apologize if this gets a bit long winded.

So, I'm living in a college dorm. It's more like a university apartment and I live with three other girls. My gf and I share a room, while a friend we met at our old school before we transfered lives in the other room with a freshman we just met. The new girl and the rest of us get along great. We love her. She isn't always around, so I'm sure that's part of the reason why there is no room for conflict. Plus, her personality just meshes well with all of ours. She's extremely easy to get along with, and nothing ever arises with her around.

However, as the year as gone by, stress has hit us all and my partner sometimes has a habit of really getting frustrated or angry and she starts to complain. The other roomie (the one that transfered with us) hates this and gets extremely pissy if this begins and starts to start on her (or I if I have something to complain about) and it just makes the entire thing worse. Her complaining about 'the bitching' just gets everyone riled up and we all want to punch her (not literally because we wouldn't do that, but you get the point).

However, this roommate is allowed to complain as much as she wants. We just have to take it. She has a bad day, she can rant for hours on certain topics if you allow her and she'll just bring it up the next day or a few days later and get all huffy and sigh rather loudly as she always does and then retreat to her room whenever complaining begins. That, or whenever my gf and I begin to get in little tiffs, she'll go on about how she doesn't want to hear it, and then awhile later we have to listen to her. It's also other little things that frustrate us, like her need to constantly feel entitled to things, that the average college student has to work for (and trust me, she's just the same person that I am). She thinks that working while in college is beneath her, and that because she worked so hard in highschool that she should be handed her college tuition. She often complains about how the school won't cater to her needs, simply because she deserves it. She is often the topic of many late night rants in our room. It seems that her energy is frustrating my gf more to the point where instead of getting angry period, she snaps at me, instead of at her. If you haven't already guessed, my gf sometimes has problems with channeling her anger like most people do. So this often can be frustrating, but I've learned ignoring it and letting her get it out is better, and by not mouthing off, the whole situation disapates quickly.

She also has gotten to the point where she has assumed this 'motherly role' that she's brought upon herself. She talks about separating my gf and I if we're 'fighting', and talks about not taking us places (as she's the only one with a car here, I was not paying $300 for a parking space), little things like this. It's all gotten rather frustrating.When she's not complaining about her entitledness, or about her 'horrible life', we usually get along great. It's her uppity attitude that we cannot stand.

So my question is, what can be done magickally or mundanely to really help this situation? I don't have access to a lot of things here, or cash, considering I'm a broke college kid. But I'd really like to bring more harmony to the apartment because this bickering is getting old.

Candles and long spells are pretty out. We're not supposed to have them, but I probably could manage without setting off a fire alarm.

[Brightshores]

For what it's worth, I work with college students as part of my job. While 90-95% of the students we work with are absolutely wonderful and a delight, we see a lot of students who have the same sort of attitude of "entitlement" and that they deserve to be "catered to." So - your roommate actually is part of a wider and unfortunately increasing trend (and one we have lots of seminars and instruction about). A lot of students are coming through with this idea of entitlement these days, and you're unfortunately stuck with living with one of them. I don't know if this helps at all, but sometimes knowing things like that helps me deal with things.

To deal with your particular situation - it sounds to me like your roommate is feeling a bit left out and unimportant. Not that the other three of you are intentionally leaving her out - but there's a strong connection between you and your GF, and you both get along so well with the freshman girl, so it sounds like your roommate is feeling like the fourth wheel. Perhaps her whining and complaining is an immature attempt to try and assert herself in the household.

I'd suggest lots of communication and try to make her feel welcome in the apartment. I'm not saying that you're doing anything wrong to begin with, but perhaps a little going out of your way to be kind (even if you're right to begin with) can solve a whole lot of problems. Also - helping your GF to relax when she's stressed out might help the two of you cope with the situation.

I don't do a whole lot of magic - but perhaps some crystals placed in the apartment (rose quartz, amethyst, clear quartz) to clear the air, so to speak, and create positive energy migth be helpful. Hopefully others can be more useful in the magical sense!

[skilly-nilly]

Once someone starts to irritate you everything they do is irritating.

So partly it's your problem for letting it in. (Although it's more their problem for putting it out.)

You could gather everyone together and say that you are troubled by the negativity (in a general way) and institute a 'positive speech' day where everyone has to say only positive things. And can't say negative things.

Then you can point out how much of your room-mate's speech is negative in an example-by-example way because just telling someone that they're 'always complaining' never works.

Good Luck.

[LadyWillow]

To deal with your particular situation - it sounds to me like your roommate is feeling a bit left out and unimportant. Not that the other three of you are intentionally leaving her out - but there's a strong connection between you and your GF, and you both get along so well with the freshman girl, so it sounds like your roommate is feeling like the fourth wheel. Perhaps her whining and complaining is an immature attempt to try and assert herself in the household.


I'd definitely believe this if her complaining and immature attitude hadn't been apparent before. Which probably makes us silly for moving in with her because the last two years she drove us crazy to begin with, so I guess we are partly at fault for allowing her around us so closely to make the situation worse. However, we do get along when she's not in one of her moods.

And, we do talk to her a lot. Last year I can see the whole third wheel issue. I spent a lot of time in my room as I didn't have a roommate during the second semester and I watched tv and what not. My gf kind of moved in because the other roomie wasn't too keen on me being in her room all the time which I understand, everyone wants personal space. This year, since we have separate rooms. We always are in the living room or what not doing things. She can come out and watch tv with us or whatever, but she spends a lot of time in her room plugged into her ipod listening to music. She can be more antisocial than I am.

And, she just loves her freshie roommate. She is so much more relaxed when she's here and doesn't automatically shift into complain or evil mode when she's around. Those two spend a lot of time together when she's here too. So, I don't even know what the issue is anymore. However, it could be a third of fourth wheel issue again. I'll have to work on that and see what arises.



You could gather everyone together and say that you are troubled by the negativity (in a general way) and institute a 'positive speech' day where everyone has to say only positive things. And can't say negative things.

Then you can point out how much of your room-mate's speech is negative in an example-by-example way because just telling someone that they're 'always complaining' never works.


That is a good point. I think we've tried this before, but she just ended up getting into a defensive mode when we were trying to point out that it wasn't just one person, it was everyone making everything worse equally and she tried to say she only starts when my gf starts to make her understand what we have to listen too, when in reality that isn't the case. It definitely is worth a try though.

[Rick]

Check here: http://mysticwicks.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=15593

[LadyWillow]

Check here: http://mysticwicks.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=15593

Thanks. I've been trying to search but everytime I do I just get a blank page.

[Teresa]

In order to eliminate unwanted emotional energy, add 1/2 cup ammonia and 1 teaspoon sea salt to your regular mopping water.

Reducing argument tension can be accomplished during the course of the argument by putting a bowl of water in the room where it is taking place. Another means of reducing the "heat" of an argument is to put ice cubes on the floor, either while the argument is going on or as soon as it's finished. It helps release the emotional energy resulting from the dissension.

Once the major argument has passed the whole house should be mopped with a mixture of 1/2 cup of ammonia and 1 teaspoon of sea salt or table salt in a bucket of mop water. This mixture will assist in the dissipation of the remaining negative thought forms.

[LadyWillow]

Thanks!

[Simply Puzzled]

It sounds to me like the problem is this: your roommate that complains a lot (henceforth called "Ann") is in a frustrating situation for her. She wants validation for her feelings, but you and your partner aren't giving it. Your partner and you probably support each other (I hope), and Ann most likely lacks that support. She sees the way you respond to your partner when she has a bad day, and she wants that. She doesn't know how to get it though, except by complaining. When it doesn't work, she just gets more frustrated and keeps complaining.

The first thing I would do is sweep all the extra energy from the apartment so that you can get a clean start so to speak. Then, when she starts to complain, I would try really hard to show some empathy. You don't have to agree with her, just understand that this is hard for her. Let her vent, really listen to her. Then, once she has had a chance to vent, I'd do something to change the energy. Go out for a drink with her. Watch a movie together. Play cards. Do *something* to keep it from getting stuck in a pattern. Make it very clear that you're willing to listen to her, but she's had the chance to express her feelings and now you are doing something else. It might take a while to change patterns of behavior, but if she is getting her needs met, it should happen. Otherwise, you'll have to either a) find another way to meet her needs b) change the living arrangements.

As for your partner getting angry with you, that's understandable. We get ugly with the people that we know are still going to love us at the end of the day, and your partner isn't comfortable enough with Ann to get ugly with her so she takes it out on you. It's also my guess that this is a pattern Ann recognizes from her homelife so she is seeking to control it by imitating what she learned at home, specifically her mother. As you change in her mind from being a withdrawn family member to that of a friend, she should change her role to match.

Or I could just be totally wrong.

[BlackLili]

A friend of mine was taught this method by her mother, and she taught it to me. As far as I know, it comes from rural Louisiana.

Work your way around the living space clockwise, putting a small handful of salt in each corner as you go. Once you've made a full circuit, take a broom, sprinkle the business-end with bay rum (or Florida water if that's easier to find), and sweep the corners from ceiling to floor, all the way down to the salt (don't scatter it though!) Once you've finished that, you can use Chinese or VanVan floorwash if you want, but that's mostly a trick I've seen used in houses where the inhabitants work from their homes. As far as I know that's a business-drawing aspect to this technique that can be left out if you lack the tools or need for it. Once you've run thru the corners twice or more, sweep up the salt from each corner, getting every piece. (I use very coarse sea salt, it's easier to pick up.) Take this outside and let it scatter, or alternately you can bury it, dump it in a river, or throw it out. However you want, just disperse it, and the energy that it's picked up with it.

Good luck! Dorms just about killed me, I never lived in another one after my freshman year.

[LadyWillow]

It sounds to me like the problem is this: your roommate that complains a lot (henceforth called "Ann") is in a frustrating situation for her. She wants validation for her feelings, but you and your partner aren't giving it. Your partner and you probably support each other (I hope), and Ann most likely lacks that support. She sees the way you respond to your partner when she has a bad day, and she wants that. She doesn't know how to get it though, except by complaining. When it doesn't work, she just gets more frustrated and keeps complaining.

The first thing I would do is sweep all the extra energy from the apartment so that you can get a clean start so to speak. Then, when she starts to complain, I would try really hard to show some empathy. You don't have to agree with her, just understand that this is hard for her. Let her vent, really listen to her. Then, once she has had a chance to vent, I'd do something to change the energy. Go out for a drink with her. Watch a movie together. Play cards. Do *something* to keep it from getting stuck in a pattern. Make it very clear that you're willing to listen to her, but she's had the chance to express her feelings and now you are doing something else. It might take a while to change patterns of behavior, but if she is getting her needs met, it should happen. Otherwise, you'll have to either a) find another way to meet her needs b) change the living arrangements.



The first part of this is believable. I know she's really looking for someone to date, and because she's not finding anyone that really meets her standards or needs, she kind of holds this belief that men are just really evil people. Her attitude and how she handles things makes her ugly. Instead of trying to handle things in a mature manner, like she believes she is, she resorts to slamming doors and what not. For example, last night, her roommate left the door open a crack. Both of which fell asleep. My partner and I were in the living room watching tv, not very loud mind you. We talk at a low volume, watch tv at a low volume. It's not like we're having rowdy parties at 1AM or anything. Instead of getting up and commenting on our noise levels, if they were in fact bothersome, or instead of just closing their door, she had to start sighing in an irritated manner and slam her door. She carried that attitude from last night over until this morning where she had to get snippy, without even mentioning why, but by commenting that she couldn't get any sleep because people are rude and inconsiderate. We're always up late at night, we're always watching tv. It just seems like something to complain about.

We try very hard to listen to her and understand her. It just gets difficult when she directs this at us, and brings out our faults or what we supposedly do constantly to frustrate her. My gf or I cannot have a bad day in which we talk about it, because this is irritating and she doesn't want to hear it. The second something goes wrong with her day, we hear about it for weeks. Even if we understand how terrible it is and let her know that it's terrible, etc. I'd like to think we're a pretty understanding group of people, but maybe we aren't. I guess there are things I could be missing. Sometimes we don't like to acknowledge our own faults.

[LadyWillow]

A friend of mine was taught this method by her mother, and she taught it to me. As far as I know, it comes from rural Louisiana.

Work your way around the living space clockwise, putting a small handful of salt in each corner as you go. Once you've made a full circuit, take a broom, sprinkle the business-end with bay rum (or Florida water if that's easier to find), and sweep the corners from ceiling to floor, all the way down to the salt (don't scatter it though!) Once you've finished that, you can use Chinese or VanVan floorwash if you want, but that's mostly a trick I've seen used in houses where the inhabitants work from their homes. As far as I know that's a business-drawing aspect to this technique that can be left out if you lack the tools or need for it. Once you've run thru the corners twice or more, sweep up the salt from each corner, getting every piece. (I use very coarse sea salt, it's easier to pick up.) Take this outside and let it scatter, or alternately you can bury it, dump it in a river, or throw it out. However you want, just disperse it, and the energy that it's picked up with it.

Good luck! Dorms just about killed me, I never lived in another one after my freshman year.

Thanks for the info.

Dorm living is rather difficult. I lived in a single room dorm for my first two years, and the energy from my old roommate was terrible. It just seemed to really bring about a lot of heaviness and what not. I purchased a sage bundle and decided to really sage the heck out of that place and bless the room. Things felt so much better, things got better. However, we allowed a friend to sleep in a few nights because of her crazy roommate, and her energy came in and along with her energy came that heaviness again, simply because of a lot of problems she has going on. This year, we have a smoke detector in our room so it makes it difficult to sage anything, or burn anything period, simply because we're not supposed to, which really sucks. This year, we have a lot of immature people (mostly men) which are also making things rather difficult and heavy. It's kind of annoying really, that I can't do much about it.

[BlackLili]

Thanks for the info.

Dorm living is rather difficult. I lived in a single room dorm for my first two years, and the energy from my old roommate was terrible. It just seemed to really bring about a lot of heaviness and what not. I purchased a sage bundle and decided to really sage the heck out of that place and bless the room. Things felt so much better, things got better. However, we allowed a friend to sleep in a few nights because of her crazy roommate, and her energy came in and along with her energy came that heaviness again, simply because of a lot of problems she has going on. This year, we have a smoke detector in our room so it makes it difficult to sage anything, or burn anything period, simply because we're not supposed to, which really sucks. This year, we have a lot of immature people (mostly men) which are also making things rather difficult and heavy. It's kind of annoying really, that I can't do much about it.
I have developed the opinion, after years of living with other people close to my age, both older and younger by a few years sometimes, that humans don't live well in packs anymore. Or maybe I just don't, I dunno.

Dorms, with the stress of being away from home, roommates, and people you don't know (or necessarily like) being on all 4 sides of you, can be particularly suffocating. I lived in a single dorm room in the quietest hall of the freshman dorm, and still couldn't handle it. It sounds like you've adapted much better than I did though, but luck all the same!