Mother in law passed away, but divorced - what do I do?

[Against The Tide]

Hi all. Got a message from my wife this morning, my mother in law has passed away to long term illness. Not sure what kind of support it is appropriate to offer her and her family seeing as we are going through a divorce.

I sent her a message saying "I'm sorry Caz. If you need to talk or for me to do anything then please let me know. I will burn a candle for her and in her memory. With our divorce proceedings I don't feel it appropriate for me to attend her funeral, but if you think she would appreciate it or if it would help you, I can come to that too.

With your permission, I'll be sending energy to you and your family to help get through this.

Adam "

And now playing the wait and see option. In my large Irish family divorces don't have to sever ties to the spouses family, but her family are quite small and don't share the same values as mine and I don't want current love interest to think I am offering support because of any lingering feelings for my wife. How should one proceed here?

I did like my mother in law and she liked me back. She is still my mother in law even though I went through marital breakdown. I want to do good by me, her, my current and my ex - but not over step the line.

[Sun Sprite]

The message ou gave her sounds great. You are leaving it up to her if she wants you to come. It is ovften made more complicated than it needs to be. Even if you don't go to the funeral directly, it would be understandable to spick a place and spend a few minutes thinking positive memories of her. Perhaps even visit the gravesite after the funeral.

Best wishes!

[GEBS]

If it were my former mother in law I would go. My divorce was over a long time ago though. I might feel differently if I were in the middle of it.

Maybe you could attend the funeral but not the burial or any family gathering afterwards. That way you are showing your respect for your mother in law without putting yourself in a situation that might make your lady uncomfortable.

Or maybe, don't go at all. Hold a private ceremony of your own to say goodbye.

I like what SunSprite said about visiting the grave after the ceremony has ended. I think that's a good idea.

[Willow Rosette]

I think you should think about the relationship you had with your Mother In Law. I can look back at my X mother in law and say for a fact she would not appreciate me being there, and to be honest I would not want to go. I think if you had a good relationship with her then showing some form of respect for her would be good and give you the sence of saying good bye. Because of possible differences in beliefs I dont know that you would need to be there to say good bye but I think you should do something, to give yourself the closure.

[alwaysfallingup]

Will there be a visitation the night before the funeral? That's how it's done in my area, but I'm not sure how much of a regional thing it is here. Around here, there is an open visitation period usually lasting a full evening at the funeral home that people can wander in and out of and say their last goodbyes. Many times, if someone passes away that I knew but was not especially close to, I attend visitation in lieu of going to the funeral and graveside services. It lets me show the family that I support them and pay respects, without overstepping relational bounds or barging into the close family and friends' grief.

[LadyKaty]

Well, with my ex-MIL, I'd go to her funeral just to stake her in the heart to make sure she was dead...but my ex-MIL is evil, through and through.

You sent the appropriate message, and no, it probably would NOT be appropriate to attend her funeral or internment. Too many emotions that would be stirred up by you doing so.

I'm sorry for your ex's loss.

[Autumn]

Around here they have calling hours. A few hours in the afternoon or evening, or sometimes right before the funeral where people can go and personally express their condolences. Make a brief appearance dressed appropriately for your area and profession (IE if you wear a suit to work you'd wear it here too) You can also make a donation to a charity that was special to your MIL and send a card(Or leave it at calling hours) saying you've done this. This would be what I would call the classy way to handle this.

[Tanya]

Flowers and a condolence note to the funeral home.

just cause you are getting divorced doesn't mean you didn't know this person and have a relationship with them.. aknowledge it...

.you don't have to comment beyond that on 'the complexities of the situation'