Christmas

[Cat]

Okay, it's October 15.

Can anyone tell me why we have to start negotiations for the winter holidays in the middle of October? Does anyone else go through this?

These last few years I've begun to hate the winter holidays. The ex has been starting fights about them earlier and earlier. Then we had a two year respite when she had a regular boyfriend and she didn't have time for my stepdaughter. But now she and the fiancee ended things, and she's flipping out. If it isn't about the college application process it's college visits, dh's wording of emails, and now Christmas.

[Brigid Rowan]

Welcome to the weirdness. ~hugs~

My ex and I did come to an amicable agreement about holidays. My spouse and his ex have not. Realllllly not. So Im living both sides of it.

In my case with my ex, we felt that consistancy for the kids was really important..so every year we do the following:

thanksgiving day..me
day after..him

chirsitmas eve and christmas morning..me
Christmas day and day after..him

Easter..him for day, I get them at dinner
Halloween and New Years we just do whoever has them normally for that day (I have them M-F, he has s/sunday)

Birthdays...they spend our birthdays with that parent, for kid birthdays, we split it 50/50 (He takes em to dinner on weekdays, I get them for dinner if the bday is on the weekends)

For my spouse, and his ex, its constantly badgering and bargining for every dang holiday. Drives me NUTS...

[GEBS]

With me Ex it's been pretty easy.

Thanksgiving with him. The next day with me.
Christmas he always wakes up at home with me. Christmas Eve say is usually spend with his dad.

For Winter and Spring breaks we alternate each year. I get him one break and he get the other. Birthdays are split so we both get to see him.


With my step kids it's different because there is so much distance between us and their mom. Trey is with us and the girls are with her. To be honest I'm not sure what is going to happen this year. Last year we flew out there and spent a few days just after Thanksgiving and the week following Christmas through New Years. I don't know that we will be able to afford that again right now. I imagine my husband has more of an idea about what is going on for the holidays than I do. I just do what he says. My situation with my ex and his wife is a lot easier and flexible. But of course, we've been working t it a lot longer.


I don't think it's too early to start discussing it. I understand why you dread it but maybe if you can come to a decision sooner the holiday season that is already stressful can be a little less so. Having plans in place as far as the kids go will help you make your other plans. Or maybe I"m just trying to be an optimist. ;)


Is there any formal custody agreement to give you a guideline regarding the Holidays? It is no fun working that out but once it's in place it makes it a lot easier to say "this is how we decided. Check you court docs."

[Cat]

Thanks.

This is actually nothing new, I've been doing this for 8 years. The divorce is vague about holidays, it just says they have to come to an agreement. So the ex tries to badger us till she gets what she wants.

We used to bend over backwards to be accomodating, but that meant missing almost every holiday. So we stopped.

Coming to an agreement ahead of time would be fine with me if it ever worked that way. But thus far, unless she gets every single thing she wants, starting early just means that much more time to fight. Because if she doesn't get precisely what she wants, she just brings it up, with increasing drama, over and over and over...

[GEBS]

Wow, that's not good. I'd say a revision of the terms is in order.

Tell her you will alternate years. Whatever she demanded from you last year you get this year. :D

[LightDancer]

usually it ends up we get her for no holidays. The ex tells dh that we get her this year for xmas....every year. but it usually end up that she gets her for xmas morning and we have to make the 4hr drive to BC to pick her up. but she usually spends a couple days with us so that's good.

We get her for most of the summer, which would be fine if ex wasn't consantly calling and threatening me for some reason or another.

And hopefully the next time she comes out her mother does a full lice inpection on her.....that kid has had lice too many times, it's just getting ridiculous.

Alright...vent over.

[Cat]

Wow.

Thankfully bm and sd are both extremely clean and hygiene-minded. Lice, ick!!

[LightDancer]

Wow.

Thankfully bm and sd are both extremely clean and hygiene-minded. Lice, ick!!

not really about hygiene, she is a clean kid. Her mom just doesn't bother to think about these things.

[Ziana]

both of mine are supposed to go to thier respective NCP's for Thanksgiving. I doubt very much that either will go. My DD's sperm donor is a hit or miss type. Always with the excuse of "Dad didn't fix my car, I can't get a ride" blah blah blah. Honestly the man is 32 years old. Dad shouldn't have to fix his car for him. He's not working, so can't really afford squat, I don't even get child support. And due to the fact that I have narcolepsy and am pregnant, I can't take my medication, so can't drive the 3 hours to take her to him.
My SS's incubator....well...she can't seem to remember that the boy needs to bathe or brush his teeth. The last time he went to her place he didn't even have a change of clothes. Plus she went and buzzed his head, after we finally convinced the boy he really could have the haircut he wanted. He was so upset when he came home. He tried to tell her no but she wouldn't listen. So now we are afraid that every time we send him down there she will do the same thing. Plus the judge ordered that for the next year we are to transport him back and forth, 3 hours each way, and again, pregnant narcolept! Can't drive! So sorry.

At least the kids will be happy. DD could care less about her donor, he's proven to many times that she's isn't that important to him, she finally gave up. Calls my hubby Daddy and says that he is the only one she really needs. She's said this for 2 years now. She'll be turning 10 Saturday.
My son is terrified of his incubator, not only for the lack of basic needs, but also that she will take him and run. Her SO is abusive to him but she has told the court she is no longer with him, a lie my son found out when he last went to her place. So he doesn't want to go either. He's 11.

[lizea]

I don't go see my dad anymore. period. But before I stopped going it switched back and forth every other year... one year my mom would have us for Christmas eve and my dad would have us for Christmas, then the next it would be the opposite... They worked that out in court... but then again, they also worked out that my dad had to pay for my college because he tried to hide assets from the court, and he isn't following through with that either... what can ya do sometimes?

[Willow Rosette]

Ugghhhh my heart breaks for all of you that have to fight over this every year. It makes me so gratefull (for once) that Toria's father is a flake and doesnt even ask. Not only can I not imagine not having her for everything but I cant imagine fighting over it. I think if there is any disagreement then going back to court and having it written in stone is the way to go.

[Sun Sprite]

My husbands family doesn't have divorced parents to worry about, just siblings split by several hundred miles. They try to meet once a year in the summer, whenhis sister's kids can squeeze a day out of thier frantic sports schedules. For Thanksgiving, on year they try to go to his parents (during which we do the Christmas gifts the next day), and Christmas is at his siter's house, but we go to his aunt's and grannies instead. The next year, his parents reverse it. One year, for some reason they ended going uo to her house both tmes, so we didn't see them for over a year.

The thing is, his oldest nephew is ready to graduate high school, so that will add another household, so what will the family do then?

That is something for step familes to think about, when the kids move out on their own, will they want to visit one or both parents? Wouldn't it be easier if they had a sense of who they regularly visited already for that special season? How did you do it when you first got married, or were dating and had two sets of parents to visit? How will you handle it if there are four sets of parents when they marry or date?

I know if your child is 4 or 5 it seems to young to be thinking about those things, but it's not. A holiday can be celebrated anytime the celebrants can get together. Why do you think Christams in July became so popular? People couldn't travel from all over the country in unpredictable weather. Generally though, the weekend before, or weekend after may become your tradition, especially if it's always a fight. Who knows, your tradition may b come the better one, as it's always a day some people are off from work!

[lizea]

My husbands family doesn't have divorced parents to worry about, just siblings split by several hundred miles. They try to meet once a year in the summer, whenhis sister's kids can squeeze a day out of thier frantic sports schedules. For Thanksgiving, on year they try to go to his parents (during which we do the Christmas gifts the next day), and Christmas is at his siter's house, but we go to his aunt's and grannies instead. The next year, his parents reverse it. One year, for some reason they ended going uo to her house both tmes, so we didn't see them for over a year.

The thing is, his oldest nephew is ready to graduate high school, so that will add another household, so what will the family do then?

That is something for step familes to think about, when the kids move out on their own, will they want to visit one or both parents? Wouldn't it be easier if they had a sense of who they regularly visited already for that special season? How did you do it when you first got married, or were dating and had two sets of parents to visit? How will you handle it if there are four sets of parents when they marry or date?

I know if your child is 4 or 5 it seems to young to be thinking about those things, but it's not. A holiday can be celebrated anytime the celebrants can get together. Why do you think Christams in July became so popular? People couldn't travel from all over the country in unpredictable weather. Generally though, the weekend before, or weekend after may become your tradition, especially if it's always a fight. Who knows, your tradition may b come the better one, as it's always a day some people are off from work!
Haha speaking of lots of parents to see over Christmas, today my dad called me (for the first time in a long time) and wanted to know if I would come for Christmas this year. I hung up on him and my step mom called me a little while later. She and my dad are fighting, and evidentally he is going to his parents house for Christmas (I haven't been invited to that Christmas for ages...) and my step mom wants me to go have Christmas with her and the step sisters...

Then there is my mom and everything...

And my boyfriend... oh dear. He has: His mom/step dad, his dad/step mom, and his exstep mom who he is still on really good terms with... and since this is our first Christmas officially dating (we have been dating like going on group dates since I was 13, and when I turned 14 I could go on real dates, but we haven't been official for a holiday yet... that was homecoming) he wants me to spend Christmas with his family...

My mom always makes breakfast, and then we open presents and such early... his mom makes brunch type stuff and they have presents at like noon... then his exstep makes dinner on Christmas... so I think I have three Christmas meals... then his dad and my step mom are both having dinner on Christmas eve, and I am going to see if my step mom will move it up to lunch or something because I really do want to spend the holiday with her... my Christmas is going to be CRAZY! I've already met his parents, but Andrew wants me to be there for Christmas with his family, since we basically are family (My dad used to work with his dad and we met at a Christmas party... hehe funny... but we are like family friends) and this might be his last Christmas here (he is 17 and graduates this year, and he might be going away for college, he doesn't know yet... it depends on where he gets in and where he gets scholarships for... but he might not be able to get home for Christmas since wether here is nuts...)

And that isn't even including grand parents (I have ten of those... five sets...) but those are like week before/week after...

[Cat]

Yeah, I think it'd be a lot worse if one parent blew a kid off. At least the fighting can be kept from my sd and she has two involved parents.

[lizea]

Actually, I like that my dad blows me off because that leaves for a lot less conflict... because I don't have to repeatedly tell him I won't come to dinner with him... and then have him calling my mom and screaming about how she brainwashed me against him... no, that was his own doing... haha now he just resents me because he has to pay for childsupport and he knows I like his wife and "new children" better than him, because they are decent human beings...

But only having one parent care about you makes things easier because then you don't have to fight over who gets the kid when... in my opinion anyways... but then, I have a pretty warped opinion on things like this...

[Cat]

I'm glad it works out for you, Lizea. I was speaking generally, though. IMO in most-not all-cases it's best for both bios to be involved with their child. Even if it means me putting up with a certain amount of bs.

[lizea]

Yea I agree with that, but I also think it depends on the age of the kid... I realized quickly that my dad is a jerk and I want nothing to do with him... but it would be good for a younger kid to be around both of their bios, I expect... I don't really know, I don't have the perspective of a younger kid in this situation, only of me...

[Cat]

I think at that point you start inviting everyone to your house for one huge party.
:ringaroun